The Onion

VATICAN CITY—Claiming the vestments represent a vital step in ameliorating the church’s centuries-long history of addressing sexual abuse with subsequent cover-ups, the Catholic Church introduced a line of wrought iron molestation-proof altar boy uniforms Monday. “With these new impenetrable steel robes, Catholic…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the “you aren’t going to fucking believe this” metrics were currently measuring off the goddamn charts, experts at the Center for Advanced Bullshit Studies published a report Monday that this week’s all hell breaking loose was projected to be 30 percent more insane than last week’s complete…Read more...

SAN JUAN, PUERTO RICO—More than a year after the U.S. territory was left devastated in the wake of Hurricane Maria, experts say that the island of Puerto Rico, along with the 3.7 million U.S. citizens who live there, will remain extremely vulnerable to U.S. governments in the foreseeable future. “This is the worst…Read more...

Elon Musk announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the passenger for the first-ever private mission to the moon in 2023. Maezawa hopes to bring along up to eight artists with him to inspire creativity based on space voyages. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a shocking development revealed just moments ago, sources confirmed that—oh, wait, sorry, false alarm. Multiple reports confirmed that, despite late-breaking suggestions to the contrary, you can actually forget about this news item and return to whatever you were doing before seeing this. In fact,…Read more...

FARMINGTON, NM—Frantically beseeching her significant other to deal with the unpleasant intruder, Kathleen Fatica shouted down the hallway Monday for her boyfriend to come kill a humongous ax murderer she happened to stumble across in the bedroom. “Gary! Gary! Gary, come to the bedroom! Quick! There’s a creepy, gross,…Read more...

HEAVEN—Following decades of careful financial management, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, remarked on His excitement at realizing that only two mortgage payments stood between Him and outright ownership of Heaven. “After 6,000 years of paying off this loan, it’s crazy to think that I’m mere weeks away from calling…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Noting their begrudging respect while singing praises of the winged mammals, zoologists nationwide admitted Monday that you’ve really got to hand it to bats for learning how to fly. “After extensive research, we’ve found that you have to give bats their due for figuring out how to soar through the air,” said…Read more...

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BUFFALO, NY—Watching his team fail miserably while attempting to convert yet another third down and long, Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott wondered Sunday if he still needed to act angry even though everyone already knew the Bills were going to lose. “I mean, everybody saw this coming, should I even bother…Read more...

GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and…Read more...

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Former FBI director James Comey speculated this week that the special investigation of Russian interference in the 2016 election may be in its “fourth quarter,” citing the guilty pleas Robert Mueller obtained from high-ranking Trump associates. What do you think?Read more...

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Amazon has relied on its convenience and low prices to become the biggest online retailer on the planet, but the company has recently come under increased scrutiny for a variety of issues regarding its effect on competition and the ways it treats its workers. The Onion presents the pros and cons of Amazon.Read more...

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NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale,…Read more...

GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in…Read more...

In the wake of the success of retro consoles like NES Classic, Sony will produce a miniature version of the original PlayStation for $99.99, which comes pre-loaded with 20 games, including Final Fantasy VII and Tekken 3. What do you think?Read more...

UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation.…Read more...

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EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…Read more...

Former Sesame Street writer Mark Saltzman has backtracked on his comments that he wrote Bert and Ernie as a gay couple, stressing that he merely meant to say that his own experience as a gay man informed his writing while on the show. What do you think?Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Apparel and textile researchers at Stanford University reported Thursday that, after 18 months of comparing garment and accessory sizes to the wearer’s actual measurements, 80 percent of American women are currently wearing the wrong size bras, shirts, shoes, pants, and hats. “Once we took accurate body…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Following the confirmation of the Ryan Coogler–produced, LeBron James–starring sequel to the popular 1996 film, actor Kevin Hart reportedly announced Thursday that he was just going to assume he’s in Space Jam 2 unless he hears otherwise. “If they’re making the Space Jam sequel I think they’ll be making,…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Shaken to his core by the realization that he had independently shared every significant detail of his fellow classmate’s vacation, fourth-grader Bryan Gardener was sent into a profound panic Thursday as it dawned on him that student Jimmy Perez, who gave his presentation immediately before Gardener,…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Reflecting on the eventual conclusion of his storied, decades-spanning career, Al Roker told reporters Thursday that he has strongly considered retiring from creating the weather. “I’ve had a good run, but I’m starting to get to an age where I’d like to just relax and spend some time with my family instead of…Read more...

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I didn’t know what to expect on that day 15 years ago when I began my journey into motherhood. I had no idea how intense I would feel in those moments that culminated in you becoming a part of our lives forever. It was an occasion full of highs and lows, to be sure, but I’ll tell you one thing, kiddo: I wouldn’t trade…Read more...

LONDON—Featuring never-before-heard tracks such as “Why Don’t You Grab My Hand,” “While My Palm Gently Sweats,” and “Hands, Hands, Hands,” EMI Records announced Thursday the release of a new Beatles box set with 172 unreleased songs about wanting to hold hands. “These 16 discs offer dedicated fans a chance to finally…Read more...

New Orleans homeowners are suing Brad Pitt’s charity for negligence due to its construction of crumbling and defective homes to help rebuild after Hurricane Katrina. What do you think?Read more...

KALAMAZOO, MI—Failing to complete the simple task despite his ostensibly robust academic background, onlooking students at Kalamazoo College reported Wednesday that their supposedly educated literature professor Gene Cabella demonstrated no clue as to how to rid their lecture hall of a bird that had flown in through…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Citing the urgent need for such measures given the devastation wrought by Hurricane Florence, the Federal Emergency Management Agency dispatched crews to affected areas Wednesday with instructions to do everything necessary to appear busy. “Try hitting stuff with a hammer, throwing a few cardboard boxes…Read more...

In a rare moment of bipartisanship, the Senate passed an $8.4 billion package intended to combat the opioid epidemic in a 99-1 vote, although critics say it is not enough to address the depth of the problem. What do you think?Read more...

Hurricane Florence hit the Carolinas last week, leaving many residents stranded or displaced by rising floodwaters and becoming the latest major hurricane to devastate the U.S. in recent years. The Onion looks back at the worst hurricanes in United States history.Read more...

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WHEATON, IL—In a development that has thrown 6,000 years of peer-reviewed genealogy into disarray, scriptural researchers from Wheaton College released the results of a biblical study Wednesday that they say offers definitive proof that Methushael, son of Mehujael, did not in fact beget Lamech. “This discovery will…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—After learning that the object of his desire was interested in other females, local man Dave Callan told reporters Wednesday that he had puzzled over whether she’s the type of lesbian who only dates other women or the kind that dates men, too. “Amy’s a lesbian—I know—but we really vibed the other night,…Read more...

Sixty years after he began performing, Paul McCartney has put out his 18th solo album, a song cycle entitled Egypt Station. What do you think?Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…Read more...

Salesforce founder Marc Benioff purchased Time magazine for $190 million, continuing the trend of tech titans buying major media companies. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…Read more...

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JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my…Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is…Read more...

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