The Onion

BERKELEY, CA—In a new study that explores the potentially traumatic effects of habitual caffeine consumption when combined with life-altering news, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Tuesday that coffee drinkers are at a dramatically increased risk of having their mugs crash to the floor…Read more...

As tens of thousands gathered in Vatican City, Pope Francis spent his Easter mass calling for peace in parts of the world ravaged by war and conflict, including the Israel-Gaza border, Syria, and several African countries. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Demonstrating far more passion for his beliefs and capacity for rhetorical flair than actual knowledge of workable climate change solutions, systems analyst Matthew Niles was observed Monday participating in a political argument by blatantly regurgitating the “St. Crispin’s Day” monologue from Henry V. “We…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Saying they were pretty hard to miss during her two-week visit to Israel, teenager Sarah Caplan told reporters Monday that she hadn’t expected to see so many dead Palestinians on her Birthright trip. “My friend Kate who came over last year said she noticed a couple, but this is way more dead Palestinians…Read more...

SUITLAND, MD—Having “gotten the scoop” from with-it locals in every geographic region of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau Monday released its 2018 Federal Report On Neighborhood Vibes. “The majority of boroughs considered chill in 2017 maintained their cool, laid-back atmosphere, while most of those on the weirder…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Asserting that beverage manufacturers should really make more of an effort to reach their overlooked demographic, America’s 18-to-35-year-old white males confirmed Monday that they are still searching for the perfect way to quench their thirst. “For decades, we’ve been looking for a beverage targeted just…Read more...

NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing relief that cultural norms had finally shifted in his favor, Bill Cosby was reportedly feeling better about his retrial Monday now that the climate around sexual assault has cooled down. “I’m definitely more optimistic than I was a few months ago,” said the 80-year-old entertainer who stands…Read more...

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NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that he had recently broken up with a longtime partner, local man Pete Kempton, 36, told reporters Monday that he was “not really looking to date right now,” conveying the misguided belief that he was somehow exempt from the all-powerful, mysterious whims of Eros. “It’s been five years since I was…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Feeling unnerved after sensing a sudden movement in His peripheral vision, an increasingly jumpy God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly starting to worry Monday that Heaven may be haunted. “No, seriously, this is not okay—I’m really freaking the fuck out here,” said the Lord Almighty, adding that He was…Read more...

Citing the negligence of his original legal counsel, the Maryland Court of Special Appeals has granted a new trial to Adnan Syed, whose conviction of first-degree murder was chronicled on the popular podcast Serial. What do you think?Read more...

Under fire from viewers and advertisers, Laura Ingraham apologized Thursday for mocking Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg, expressing regret for “any upset or hurt my tweet caused.” What do you think?Read more...

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ANAHEIM, CA—Noting that the cast-off segments of the tiny carapace are a popular keepsake among parents, Dr. James Gallagher asked a new mother on Friday if she would like to save her newborn’s exoskeleton. “Many new parents hold onto their baby’s discarded outer epidermis as a memento,” said Gallagher, who noted that…Read more...

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NEW YORK—With players, coaches, and executives around the league admitting that the sudden finish had taken them completely by surprise, sources confirmed that the Major League Baseball season ended Thursday night over 200 days earlier than expected after new rules designed to make games take less time sped them up…Read more...

HAMMOND, IN—George Thorogood fan Hank Flores was disgusted to learn Friday that the white-boogie-blues musician had licensed his single “Bad To The Bone” for commercial purposes, expressing disbelief that one of his musical and philosophical idols would sell out in such a fashion. “Man, that song used to really mean…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES, CA—Declaring herself a unique and sovereign individual who can’t be quantified by demographics or pigeonholed by big business, Carla Martín, a single, childless, 18-to-36-year-old bilingual Hispanic female with brand loyalty to Tom’s shoes and Chobani Greek yogurt and who expects to take two airline…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Claiming the nationally celebrated students should be disqualified from taking any stance on the issue, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said Friday that protesting Parkland high schoolers are insufficiently knowledgeable concerning guns to criticize Nicholas Cruz. “These are just ignorant kids who don’t know…Read more...

Responding to complaints that the magazine contained “hyper-sexualized” content, retail giant Walmart will no longer stock Cosmopolitan in checkout lines, although it will still be available in magazine aisles. What do you think?Read more...

STAMFORD, CT—Promising more evenly charred skin than any product on the market, Conair on Friday unveiled its new Third-Degree Pro, a double-sided curling iron designed to produce absolutely flawless burns. “The Third-Degree Pro model uses our patented thermal technology to deliver fuller, more voluptuous blistering…Read more...

Researchers have discovered a never-before-seen organ in humans called the interstitium, which consists of a number of interconnected, fluid-filled compartments found throughout the body. What do you think?Read more...

WHITE PLAINS, NY—Acknowledging the insensitivity of its recent “Lighter Is Better” TV campaign and promising to do better in the future, beer manufacturer Heineken apologized for airing a racist ad Thursday by launching a limited-release “Blacks Only” beer. “We at Heineken want to reach out and apologize to our…Read more...

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SAN DIEGO—In an effort to challenge traditionally held views about animals and their habitats, the San Diego Zoo announced this week the opening of a new conceptual wildlife exhibit that features the severed head of a rhinoceros affixed to a large, tempered-steel frame.Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the holiday as stress-free as possible for everyone, Pope Francis asked congregants gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica Thursday if it would be okay to just do a low-key Easter this year. “I know we usually get dressed up and make a big deal out of Easter, but wouldn’t it be nice if just…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Explaining that they took immediate action against what they perceived to be a threat, local police officers repeatedly shot Apple CEO Tim Cook after mistaking an iPhone he was holding for a gun, sources confirmed Thursday. “Law enforcement saw the suspect reach into his pocket and take out what looked…Read more...

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FREMONT COUNTY, CO—Retching in disgust as their excavation revealed the chilling extent of the burial site, geologists from the University of Colorado were reportedly horrified Thursday after uncovering millions of rocks in a sprawling mass grave. “My God, what kind of monster would do something like this?” said lead…Read more...

Last weekend’s March For Our Lives continued what has been an increase in mass protests during the Trump era. The Onion looks back at the some of the largest and most influential protests in American history.Read more...

NEW YORK—According to a new study published Thursday in the journal Modern Parenting: Principles And Practice, the act of forcibly spanking one’s children is not only 100 percent effective but also incredibly fun. “After months spent watching parents discipline their kids aged 2-8 years, we found that nothing is quite…Read more...

In a recent interview, director Steven Spielberg said that films on streaming services without a theatrical release should not receive Oscars, saying that such productions are akin to “TV movies.” What do you think?Read more...

During an interview with GQ, Tiffany Haddish revealed that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face while at a party in Los Angeles. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Saying the hackers who accessed city government computers last week clearly did a shitty job, sources confirmed Wednesday that the lame cyberattack on Atlanta had failed to do anything awesome, like turn ATMs, parking meters, or street-sweeping vehicles into relentless killing machines. “When I heard about the…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Accessing the data his platform has harvested over the years from its nearly 2 billion users, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly prepared Wednesday for his upcoming congressional testimony by poring over the personal information of U.S. senators and representatives. “Let’s see here, as long as I…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Concluding that the murderer left evidence containing a distinctive style of penmanship, police handwriting expert Elizabeth Simeon, 29, confirmed that an inscribed piece of paper found at the scene of a homicide Sunday morning was almost certainly a note written in cursive. “By the looks of these long,…Read more...

SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Daydreaming about taking a break from the day-to-day grind of modern life, an overworked U.S. populace announced Wednesday that sometimes it wishes it could just unplug from it all the way they did in Puerto Rico. “Whenever my workday gets hectic, I think about how lucky they are to be on this tropical…Read more...

More than 30 years after its debut, Roseanne has returned to ABC to depict the working-class struggles of the titular character and her husband, Dan. What do you think?Read more...

CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go apeshit over the ending of Lois Lowry’s The Giver. “They have no idea what’s coming, and when…Read more...

Remington, one of America’s oldest gunmakers, filed for bankruptcy this week, allowing the maker of the AR-15 rifle to stay in business and shed its massive debt. What do you think?Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Following the Louisiana Attorney General’s conclusion that the victim’s shooting death at the hands of police was justified, law enforcement officials questioned Tuesday why Alton Sterling had even been black in the first place. “The fact is that Mr. Sterling clearly knew exactly what he was doing when…Read more...

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CHAPEL HILL, NC—Concluding that the official accounts of the collisions always seem perfectly believable, a study released Tuesday by the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center found that 12,000 Americans die annually in what are made to look like automobile accidents. “According to our data,…Read more...