The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2026-05-12 12:48 |
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3MNAB)
COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MN7K)
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by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#3MP3H)
Brian Williams once boasted a reputation of being the most trusted name in news, but he’s now found himself in the midst of a controversy that has left him utterly disgraced. In a shocking turn of events, the iconic broadcaster is being forced to resign from MSNBC after leaked documents have revealed that he’s a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MN4Y)
NEW YORK—Saying it can be as easy as doing a quick once-over in the shower, the American Dermatological Association released a statement Friday recommending thorough, regular checks of the entire body for screaming demonic faces bulging out of your skin. “It’s important to catch these things early, so we suggest…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MN2T)
A producer for Game of Thrones revealed that a massive battle scene for the eighth and final season of the HBO fantasy series required 55 days of shooting, far longer than any other in the show’s history. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3MK9D)
RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging that he was starting to experience a few paranoid hallucinations, local teen Josh Mashburn reportedly thought Thursday that the involuntary convulsions and profuse bleeding from his eyes and nose were signs that the synthetic weed was finally kicking in. “At first, I thought the stuff might…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MK6S)
Speaker Paul D. Ryan announced Wednesday that he will not seek reelection in November, ending his brief tenure in the House of Representatives and likely kicking off a battle for his successor. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MK0P)
STORRS, CT—Researchers at the University of Connecticut’s Nutritional Sciences Department released a statement Thursday recommending Americans increase their intake of whatever food will earn them a free T-shirt. “Whether the meal required for nutritional and sartorial lifestyle supplementation be a five-pound…Read more...
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by By Ralph Ernst on (#3MJXH)
When I stop and think about all the strides my family has made since my great-grandfather Wenzel immigrated to America, I can’t help but be filled with pride. It all began with that brave first step Great-Grandpa took when he left his native Austria, not knowing what the future held in store. Things weren’t easy for…Read more...
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by OnionNews on (#3MJTH)
Many people use outside help to file their taxes, and are faced with the choice of using a tax-preparation software or paying a CPA to do them. The Onion presents a side-by-side comparison of using software vs. hiring a professional.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3MJM5)
LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge†Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MJH4)
EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MJH5)
Former Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller is facing a federal charge after allegedly calling in a false threat suggesting that a passenger on his Amtrak Train had a bomb in her purse. The sentence could carry up to a five-year prison sentence. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MJH6)
ATLANTA—Claiming that their new Extended Tracking™ feature would provide customers with additional security and peace of mind, UPS introduced new ordering metrics Wednesday designed to give updates on a delivery driver’s location for years after they have dropped off customers’ packages. “For an extra $5.99, we’re now…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MGQP)
Federal agents who recently raided the office of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen were searching for all records related to the infamous “Access Hollywood†tape as well as evidence that he made payments to suppress evidence of Trump’s affairs. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MFTT)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3MFTV)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3MFN7)
SEATTLE, WA—Saying they had no respect for the luminaries who had come before them and helped pave the bloody way, serial killer Gerald Pinkney expressed his annoyance Wednesday with young murderers who held no appreciation for innovative child rapist and cannibal Albert Fish. “Man, these millennials think they…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MFN8)
A woman in Ulyanovsk, Russia died in surgery after doctors accidentally embalmed her alive by putting her on a formaldehyde-based drip rather than saline one. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3MFJN)
PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Decrying the rapid decay of what were planned to be pillars of the local community, PyeongChang officials confirmed Wednesday that only weeks after the Olympics, many of their athletes were already completely dilapidated. “The Olympics were supposed to be about building the future of South…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3MFFK)
ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!†said…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MDRQ)
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by OnionNews on (#3MDRR)
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by The Onion on (#3MDMZ)
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for Russian election interference and third-party use of user data on Tuesday in a testimony to Congress, telling lawmakers “it was my mistake, and I’m sorry.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MCYE)
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by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#3MCYF)
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by The Onion on (#3MCYG)
Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MCYH)
LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MCVV)
ANNAPOLIS, MD—Apologizing profusely for failing to properly confirm their findings before going public, researchers from the Entomological Society of America retracted Tuesday their claims about the discovery of a new species of spider last week, admitting that the supposed arachnid was actually just a clump of dust…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3MCMR)
Owing to efforts by conservationists and local governments, the population of the giant panda rose 17 percent from 2004 to 2014, leading to the species being downgraded from endangered to vulnerable. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MANQ)
Clearing the way for talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un, U.S. officials reported that North Korea is ready to discuss denuclearization. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on Sports, shared by OnionNews to The On on (#3MANR)
ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels,…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MAEZ)
MENLO PARK, CA—Taking it upon themselves to notify users of potential repercussions stemming from the site’s recent privacy breach, Facebook announced plans Sunday to inform victims of the Cambridge Analytica data leak whether they need to burn down their houses, cut off their fingerprints, and start their lives over…Read more...
by OnionNews on Entertainment, shared by OnionNews to on (#3MAF1)
NEW YORK—Expressing their excitement at the preview of the latest installment in the popular franchise, self-proclaimed Star Wars fans told reporters Monday that they were blown away by a newly released Solo trailer that sheds light on specifically how the upcoming film will suck. “In the past, they’ve teased at the…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3MAA9)
DECATUR, IL—Expressing frustration after wasting so much time germinating, absorbing soil nutrients, and learning about the rich culture of the Hunan province, a local soybean was reportedly pissed Monday upon learning that the ongoing trade war meant its trip to China was canceled. “Christ, this is just my fucking…Read more...
by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#3MA50)
CARLISLE, IA—Calling the potential transition a drastic but much-needed change of pace, oat farmer Bill Gannon told reporters Monday he’s seriously thinking about getting into barley. “Obviously, cultivating oats will always have a special place in my heart, but recently I can’t help but wonder if harvesting barley is…Read more...
by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#3MA51)
MIDVALE, UT—Tempting fate by putting together an evening of semi-competitive, semi-collaborative recreation, local unstable couple Molly and Jared Ball flouted common sense by organizing a game night for their friends Monday. “Man, those two are really hanging their asses in the wind with this game night,†said Amir…Read more...
by OnionNews on Sports, shared by OnionNews to The On on (#3MA27)
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by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#3M9WM)
DELRAY BEACH, FL—Attributing the recent drop-off in cognition to his advanced age, relatives of Arnold Simmons told reporters Monday that the 74-year-old was now noticeably struggling to keep the personal failings of all his family members straight. “It’s so sad hearing this once-vibrant man call my brother Peter an…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3M9T0)
TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3M9Q0)
The Fairmont Empress Hotel has forgiven a guest 17 years after he left a suitcase filled with pepperoni sticks by an open window, thereby attracting a flock of seagulls and causing the room’s destruction. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on (#3M45X)
Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey hit U.S. theaters 50 years ago this week, changing sci-fi filmmaking forever with its stunning setpieces and psychedelic visuals. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on Sports, shared by OnionNews to The On on (#3M41Y)
AUGUSTA, GA—Noting that the out-of-control individuals harassed numerous female attendees and sent the world price of eggs and pork into a free fall, PGA officials reportedly had to break up a crowd of rowdy fans who were committing commodities fraud Friday in the Augusta National’s parking lot. “We’ve received…Read more...