The Onion

ST. PAUL, MN—Expressing an increased confidence in her ability to eliminate unwanted physical contact from her customers, local barista Katie Mantegna confirmed Thursday she is getting better at avoiding the touch of male patrons’ hands when they pay for their beverages. “I have a little move where I drop their change…Read more...

HERSHEY, PA—Touting the treat as perfect for slavering gluttons such as yourself, the Hershey Company unveiled some new chocolate bullshit for you to cram into your fat maw Thursday. “We are proud to announce the release of our new chocolate bullshit, which features multiple layers of wafery detritus dipped in some…Read more...

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Citing safety concerns for both competitors and spectators, representatives from the International Olympic Committee announced Thursday that the 2018 Winter Olympics have been cancelled due to weather conditions being far too cold. “Because of a combination of subfreezing temperatures and the…Read more...

Experiments involving human subjects have contributed significantly to our understanding of human behavior, although many of them have involved controversial ethical quandaries. The Onion provides a look back at history’s most influential psychological experiments.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting that millions have already fallen victim to the long-running grift, the FBI warned Monday of the ‘American Dream’ scam. “Reports are coming in all across the country of Americans who were promised great prosperity and success in exchange for a lifetime of hard work, only to find themselves swindled…Read more...

Have you tried wearing a long sleeve, button-down shirt with a small checker pattern on it? That works for some people.Read more...

GEORGETOWN, OH—Following conversations with the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, and Newsweek, white supremacist Bryan McCafferty was reportedly exhausted Thursday after a long day of interviews with mainstream news outlets. “God, I really want to just get home and sleep, but I still have a sit-down with the …Read more...

Researchers in Japan are experimenting with using an anti-foaming agent found in McDonald’s French fries to help grow hair on mice. What do you think?Read more...

The Pentagon is reviewing potential dates for a military parade after being asked by President Trump to plan an event similar to one he witnessed in France. What do you think?Read more...

FREMONT, CA—Calling his profound feelings of emptiness “almost too painful to bear,” Elon Musk, founder of Tesla, SpaceX, Neuralink, the Boring Company, and a variety of other tech and infrastructure firms, reportedly offered $1.2 billion in grants Wednesday to any project that could make him feel complete. “Even…Read more...

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EWING, NJ—Claiming their latest product will revolutionize the way America does laundry, the manufacturer of OxiClean held a press conference Wednesday to introduce their new stain-removing fabric scissors. “Our OxiCut-brand shears offer a convenient, fast-acting, chemical-free way to get the stubbornest of stains out…Read more...

LONDON—Claiming they wanted a ceremony that reflected who they really are as a couple, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealed Wednesday that they were debating between a Hawaiian luau- or X-Files-themed wedding. “At first I thought it would be fun to have a Hawaiian wedding because I love the beach, but Meghan is a…Read more...

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NEWTON, MA—Lamenting that his final moments on this Earthly realm were spent alone with his sister’s “worthless-assed kid,” local man Walter Perkins told reporters Wednesday that his poignant dying words were wasted on his dumb-shit nephew. “Oh, great, I come up with this profound final speech about finding life’s…Read more...

An animal behavioral researcher in Arizona is developing technology that could make dog gestures understandable to humans in less than a decade, helping them comprehend what pet behaviors truly means. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Having concluded they are at best nice little distractions suitable for children and adolescents, researchers at Columbia University released a report Tuesday confirming video games will never reach the level of art. “Our findings show that video games can be a fun activity, especially for children 14 and…Read more...

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Explaining that the immense pressure and heat within the cabin had proved too much for their fragile canine bodies, SpaceX confirmed today that all 400 dogs aboard its Falcon Heavy prototype rocket failed to survive the trip into orbit. “Sadly, we must report that 315 adult dogs and 85 puppies made…Read more...

The Dow went into a historic free fall on Monday, closing 1,175 points lower than it opened. What do you think?Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Upon suddenly realizing none of them knew the origin of the current conversational subject, a determined circle of friends on Tuesday diligently traced back how their discourse arrived at the topic. “I remember we were talking about Ed Harris and how he’s in The Truman Show, but how did Connecticut come…Read more...

SARASOTA, FL—Telling reporters his hard work, tenacity, and dedication to the flock had at long last paid off, a local goose confirmed Monday he had finally landed the lead spot at the tip of the “V.”Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Using a towel to quickly wipe the sweat off his mat as the next class filed in, local yoga teacher Toby Castor told reporters Monday that he has way too much on his plate to fuck any more students right now. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good problem to have, but I’m completely tapped out from banging so…Read more...

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Over the past few years, the white nationalist movement in the U.S. has seen the addition of more members and received significant media coverage. The Onion debunks some common myths about white supremacism in America.Read more...

On a late-night show appearance, Phantom Thread director P.T. Anderson revealed that frequent collaborator Daniel Day-Lewis is fascinated by the Discovery channel reality show Naked And Afraid in which strangers strip naked and attempt to survive without food or water in a remote locale. What do you think?Read more...

The Philadelphia Eagles claimed their first Super Bowl title in franchise history Sunday after proving victorious against the New England Patriots in a 41-33 upset. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS— Perplexed by the utter absence of thronging tourists throughout places of interest, Minneapolis residents reported feelings of shock and dismay Monday upon discovering that thousands of Super Bowl attendees had simply left the Twin Cities immediately after the game without experiencing the rich culture…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Feeling completely unprepared for such a difficult conversation, local father Michael Dorgan was reportedly struggling Monday to answer all his son’s questions about what a catch is. “God, this so awkward, he was watching the Super Bowl last night, and now he has so many questions and I can’t describe how…Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to numerous complaints regarding recent delays and route changes to the city’s public transportation system, Metropolitan Transit Authority officials at a press conference Monday reminded residents that they can fucking walk. “While we always do our best to avoid inconveniencing our customers,…Read more...

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FORT WORTH, TX—Explaining that only a small percentage of passengers ever hit it off to the point that they carry on a conversation for the duration of their flight, American Airlines announced Monday it will no longer attempt to match seatmates by their personal interests. “For years, American Airlines has committed…Read more...

Nearly four decades after the starlet drowned off the coast of Santa Catalina island, former-husband Robert Wagner is now a person of interest in her death, investigators say. What do you think?Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Happily nodding their heads and shaking hands with each other in congratulations, thousands of pleased but calm Philadelphia residents reportedly said, “Well that’s nice,” Sunday after the Eagles’ Super Bowl victory over the Patriots. “This sure is swell. Both teams played a good game, but I’m glad we…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Claiming the quality of the facilities had exceeded his expectations, Eagles fan Wes Fernley admitted Sunday that U.S. Bank Stadium had the nicest seats he has ever thrown up on. “I’ve been to some great stadiums in the past few years, but puking here was a really amazing experience,” said Fernley, who…Read more...

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ROCHESTER, NY—Allaying his friend’s concerns over the amount of space available to watch the game, local man Bryan Rogers confirmed Sunday that his Super Bowl party still has plenty of room on the floor. “You should definitely still come over, man, there’s a ton of places left to sit on the rug,” said Rogers, assuring…Read more...

BIRMINGHAM, AL—Blaming the punishing physical toll the game takes on their bodies, an alarming report released Sunday by the National Center for Sports Safety revealed that 78 percent of Puppy Bowl participants die before reaching the age of 50 weeks. “Our data confirmed pugs, cocker spaniels, and huskies that…Read more...

A bill passed in Canada’s Senate will change the national anthem’s second line from “in all thy sons” to “in all of us” to make it more inclusive. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying they were committed to providing safe and enjoyable air travel for all customers, United Airlines on Friday announced new guidelines to crack down on emotional support spouses. “Starting today, passengers will need to provide proof that their comfort husband or wife is fully vaccinated, as well as a…Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—Researchers at University of California-Berkeley discovered Friday that a reduction in Facebook use could be directly linked to one’s desire to be a happy and fully functioning person. “Our data indicate that there may, in fact, be a relationship between yearning to be a self-realized human who enjoys…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Touted as a bold imagining of 26th-century life, the science fiction movie Day Of The Crimson proposes a vision of the future in which women rarely—if ever—speak to each other, sources confirmed Friday. “Even beyond its taut pacing and gorgeous cinematography, the film offers a glimpse at an alternate…Read more...

Scientists in Japan developed a banana with an edible peel by growing the fruit in ultra-cold conditions. What do you think?Read more...

Scientists at Google concluded that naked mole-rats are the first known mammal to not have an increased risk of death from age-related causes. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Pacing anxiously between a piano and drum machine, pausing only to scrawl down hasty notes or blow into a recorder, elder pop statesman Justin Timberlake reportedly pulled a panicked all-nighter Thursday after realizing his fifth studio album, Man Of The Woods, was due the next morning. “I knocked out a…Read more...

LONDON—Prince Harry and Meghan Markle reportedly set up their wedding registry with discount retailer Target Thursday, including a variety of kitchen, home décor, and bath items on the list of gift options for their guests. “This luggage is a little pricey, but it would be nice to finally have a set of matching…Read more...

APOPKA, FL—Local man Jeremy Land reportedly voiced his preference Thursday for comic books that don’t insert politics into stories about people forced to undergo body- and mind-altering experiments that transform them into government agents of war. “I’m tired of simply trying to enjoy escapist stories in which people…Read more...