The Onion

NEW YORK—Shouting directly at the camera while a graphic of two infants appeared on the screen behind him, Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson used the opening segment of his show Tuesday to angrily explain the difference between a good baby and a bad baby. “Idiot liberals will tell you that there’s only one type of baby,…Read more...

SAN SALVADOR, EL SALVADOR—Praising U.S. law enforcement officials for the unfettered cruelty they have unleashed along the Mexican border, MS-13 gang leader Edwin Manica Flores admitted Tuesday that observing ICE’s work in recent weeks has provided him with quite a bit of inspiration. “Seriously, we would have never…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—In a stunning accomplishment that far exceeded the company’s wildest hopes, Onion Social released a report Tuesday revealing that 45 percent of users had survived beta testing. “We easily expected an 80-90 percent mortality rate, so we couldn’t be more thrilled that nearly half of all testers will be…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Placing the Facebook founder under arrest after he briefly attempted to flee, San Francisco police busted a filthy, unshaven Mark Zuckerberg in the early hours of the morning Tuesday for trying to sell his personal data on a street corner. “Here, if anyone wants my browsing data, my search history, my…Read more...

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SOUTH JORDAN, UT—Saying the bustling scene looked like a veritable “blowout” for the six-limbed insects, local sources confirmed Tuesday that a group of ants were having some kind of wild party inside a crack in the pavement. “Wow, those ants look like they must be having a total blast in there,” said Sam Pendleton, a…Read more...

SANTA CLARA, CA—Saying it would be an honor to help the world-changing social media company in even a small way, working-class residents of Silicon Valley started a campaign Tuesday begging Onion Social to demolish their homes for its new corporate headquarters. “Please, this is the least we can do—we would gladly…Read more...

Owing to its innovative organizing and messaging abilities, flourishing social network Onion Social has inspired a wave of successful democratic uprisings in Sudan, North Korea, Syria, and dozens of other oppressed nations. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS GATOS, CA—Insisting that the controversial episode served as a stirring reminder of the importance of self-improvement, Netflix representative Tina Komal spoke in defense of a recent episode of ‘Queer Eye’ wherein the the Fab Five were forced to euthanize a contestant who was a completely hopeless slob. “We…Read more...

MOSCOW—Lamenting that his fitness goals would now be thrown off for the rest of the World Cup, Argentinian forward Lionel Messi was reportedly pissed off Saturday after forgetting to wear his Fitbit watch during a group stage match against Iceland. “Shit. Of course the one time I leave it in the locker room, I go out…Read more...

Within hours of its launch, the newly unveiled website Onion Social skyrocketed into being the world’s most popular social media site, eclipsing potential rivals with over 8.3 billion unique users. What do you think?Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Claiming that she needed a real man who could actually love and fulfill her, Priscilla Chan announced Monday that she was leaving husband Mark Zuckerberg for Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum. “I finally woke up to the lie I’ve been living—Mark just isn’t enough for me. He can’t satisfy me intellectually…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Touting the unparalleled precision and numerous uses of its new state-of-the-art security feature, Onion Social CEO Jeremy Rosenbaum held a press conference Monday to announce the very first-of-its-kind genital recognition software.Read more...

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As any half-aware simpleton will doubt-less tell you, the Fall of News has at long last come upon us. Indeed, for once, the cretins have the right of it; my bronze ear-horn, which once resonated day and night with the metallic shriek of The Onion’s implacable and limb-shearing steam presses, now strains to discern…Read more...

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Next week, iconic artist and director David Lynch and co-author Kristine McKenna will release Room To Dream, a unique, 592-page memoir that combines hundreds of interviews with accounts from Lynch himself, often directly contradicting those interviews. What do you think?Read more...

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WILKES-BARRE, PA—Confused by his sudden, passionate rooting interest in the Mediterranean country, coworkers of area consultant Adam Shetaro told reporters Friday he was going all-in on a tenuous familial connection to Portugal for the 2018 World Cup. “I’ve worked with Adam for almost four years now, and he’s never…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Touting the new offering as the perfect gift for Father’s Day or any occasion to celebrate the fashionable man in your life, Brooks Brothers unveiled Friday a new line of monogramed cum rags. “Our high-quality, durable, and stylish cum rags are the only accessory you need to elevate a simple menswear ensemble…Read more...

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Researchers at MIT have created a “psychopath” AI named Norman by training it using data from Reddit, saying that it produced highly disturbing and violent responses to standard prompts such as image captioning. What do you think?Read more...

PEABODY, MA—Having discovered the social media website open on his father’s unattended laptop, local 6-year-old Oliver Sherman stated “We must protect the pure Aryan bloodline” Friday after nine minutes of Facebook access without supervision. “There’s a white genocide going on in this country, and no one wants you to…Read more...

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WALTHAM, MA—Saying that if the U.S. government would not act it was time to take matters into their own hands, defense contractor Raytheon declared war on North Korea, sources confirmed Friday. “Look, the American government has made it abundantly clear with their massive payments and subsidies to the private defense…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—A $30 million donation from a charity run by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg and his wife, Priscilla Chan, intended to help kids learn to read, has been returned following a resounding “fuck you” from the nation’s illiterate children, sources confirmed Friday. “Take this blood money and shove it up…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Cautioning the public about one of the major potential drawbacks of genetically modifying embryos, ethicists at Harvard Medical School were reportedly worried Friday that the emergence of designer babies could make them look really ugly in comparison. “While gene editing has shown promise as a means of…Read more...

FARMINGTON, NM—Providing an opportunity to rethink the decision to leave the social media site for good, a Facebook prompt reading “You’re deleting your account? We’ll be sad to see you go” appeared on user Emily Feldman’s computer screen Friday and showed her a photo of her own dead body. “Your family and friends…Read more...

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Daddy, I’ve been thinking. I know I never talk to you about Facebook. You’ve worked really hard on it, and it means a lot to you, so as your daughter I’ve always tried to keep quiet whenever it comes up. But I just can’t stay silent anymore. It’s time for me to stand up for what’s right.Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Claiming that the banner embodied the spirit of the company’s values, Mark Zuckerberg defended his controversial decision Friday to fly a Confederate flag at the Facebook headquarters. “Facebook considers itself an open environment that accepts all perspectives, and white nationalism is an important…Read more...

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While serving in the White House, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner earned at least $82 million in a stake from the Trump International Hotel and other real estate investment. What do you think?Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Explaining that some time away from relationships was exactly what she needed right now, local woman Jill Witmer, 32, took a break from dating Thursday to focus on everything about herself no one could ever love. “I think stepping away from the dating scene gives me the chance to really concentrate on…Read more...

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CASA PADRE, TX—Remaining optimistic about his prospects in the land of opportunity, 3-year-old Honduran immigrant Luis Pereira still hopes to achieve the American dream of someday living in a bigger, better cage, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m trying to make the best of my situation, and each day I’m progressing—for…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Looking at all your posts and pictures a long time after he should have stopped, a creepy weirdo was still stalking you on Facebook, sources confirmed Thursday. The total freak reportedly goes through your profile multiple times per day and always wants to know what you’re doing, where you go, and who…Read more...

The Onion holds the virtues of integrity, courage, and accountability above all others, and after more than two centuries of ethical primacy in journalism, America’s Finest News Source has been rewarded with a company culture renowned for its moral rectitude.Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Suggesting that the social network may never have existed had the helpless animal not perished before his eyes, Mark Zuckerberg reportedly recalled Thursday how he came up with the idea for Facebook after seeing a dopamine-addicted lab rat starve to death. “I remember watching that frail, malnourished…Read more...

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For too long, I have kept quiet. For too long, I convinced myself that what we were doing at Facebook—bringing people together and uniting humanity in common purpose—was so important that I dared not jeopardize it by speaking out. But now, I realize I have a duty to talk about what I saw. I was a high-level employee…Read more...

HAWTHORNE, CA—Citing their experiences watching recent World Cups, MLS matches, and various youth soccer games, every patron at O’Brien’s Pub offered a different, incorrect definition of the sport’s notoriously nebulous “offside” ruling. “One guy’s saying that if you pass the ball across two lines, it’s offside, but…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing remorse for disparaging an organization with such a noble mission, the nation’s Facebook users admitted they were ashamed of criticizing the social media company after seeing its heartwarming “Here Together” advertising campaign, sources confirmed Thursday. “My God, what were we thinking?” said…Read more...