by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3J9K8)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-03-26 16:00 |
by The Onion on (#3J9DC)
HAWTHORNE, CA—Kicking himself as the full scope of his ignorance dawned on him, Elon Musk reportedly admitted his embarrassment Thursday after realizing he was proposing an idea for a thing that already exists. “You’ve got to be kidding me—I’ve been pouring all this money and energy into developing a concept that’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J99E)
WASHINGTON—Citing data from across every economic sector, a report published Thursday by the Bureau Of Labor Statistics found that 99 percent of U.S. employees would use their boss as a human shield in a workplace attack. “According to our research, the first thing most American workers would do when confronted with…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J92R)
REYNOLDSBURG, OH—Describing the high-visibility pyrotechnic device as a “sweet yet earthy 20,000-candlepower blend of shea butter and essential tree oils,†Bath & Body Works unveiled its new Soothing Eucalyptus Road Flare, sources reported Wednesday. “What better way to calm your nerves and divert traffic from your…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J8WM)
Multiple high-profile cases involving police officers who were exonerated after committing criminal acts, including killings, have shone a spotlight on the frequent lack of accountability for law enforcement. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide showing how cops can get away with crimes.Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J8SY)
A NASA study in which astronaut Scott Kelly lived at the International Space Station for one year while his identical twin brother, Mark Kelly, remained on Earth found a 7 percent change in genes as a result of staying in space, including those involved in the immune system. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J8SZ)
BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. “We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J8PR)
AMHERST, MA—Noting the various clothes and belongings strewn across the scratched, dust-covered floor, friends of local man Kyle Gruvard reported Thursday that his apartment was nowhere near nice enough for him to be asking people to take their shoes off. “I don’t know who he thinks he’s fooling with this ‘no shoes’…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J6WF)
The Church of Scientology cult launchd a 24/7 network on DirecTV and several streaming services this week, including such programs as Meet A Scientologist, Voices for Humanity, and L. Ron Hubbard: In His Own Voice. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J6MW)
OKLAHOMA CITY—Even after pulling an all-nighter and trying dozens of options, director Bryan Jenkins of the National Rifle Association’s longtime ad agency Ackerman McQueen was reportedly still searching Wednesday for just the right sinister music to play over footage of high school students. “We’ve been at it for…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J6HV)
MOSCOW—After consulting a schedule consisting of council meetings, appointing Gazprom executives to ministry posts, and conducting military inspections, Russian President Vladimir Putin was forced to adjust his personal timetable Wednesday and move up his election victory by a couple of days. “Between meeting Chinese…Read more...
Construction Union Seeks To Reduce Incidence Of Accidents Involving Babies Crawling On Steel I-Beams
by The Onion on (#3J6AT)
WASHINGTON—Calling the problem an unfortunately common occurrence, the Laborers’ International Union of North America announced new regulations Thursday aimed at reducing the number of escaped babies crawling on steel I-beams hanging precariously in the air. “When jobsites around the country being are thrown into…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J6AV)
WASHINGTON—Examining data obtained from thousands of reportedly lackluster rehearsals across the country, a new study released Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Education concluded that a mere 30 percent of students are adequately prepared for the spring musical. “Our analysis found that, with tech week right around…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3J5WY)
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by The Onion on (#3J5WZ)
LONDON—Citing the era’s indiscriminate violence, rampant disease, constant threat of famine, and near-total absence of personal hygiene, historians at the University of Cambridge reported Wednesday that it was still very much a mystery how people in ancient times didn’t just go crazy and fucking kill themselves.…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J5SP)
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by The Onion on (#3J5PQ)
Securing your home to ensure that you, your family, and your belongings are safe from theft or invasion can be done through a variety of traditional and technological methods. Here are The Onion’s tips for keeping your home safe.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J5KS)
TERRE HAUTE, IN—In an effort to foster a more inclusive workplace, Jetsam Marketing Solutions announced Wednesday a new plan to implement diversity by conducting hourly regimented killings of white employees and hiring a more equitable percentage of minority candidates in their stead. “Until our staffing goals are…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J5KT)
The Massachusetts Institute of Technology plans to bring nuclear fusion to market in the next 15 years after receiving a $50 million investment, a development that could offer the world massively more efficient and cleaner energy. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J5GV)
VICTORIA, SEYCHELLES—Welling with pride as the child made his initial $2 million deposit, hedge fund billionaire Seymour Gansthorpe reportedly helped his son Elwin, 8, open his first offshore bank account, sources reported Tuesday. “These are the kinds of things you live for as a dad: getting to watch your little boy…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J3G3)
British Prime Minister Theresa May said Russia’s involvement in poisoning a former Russian spy was “highly likely†and called it a direct act of the Russian state against the United Kingdom. What do you think?Read more...
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by By Kevin Pagonis on (#3J30R)
Look, I’m the last person to blindly glom onto whatever hot new lifestyle trend is popular at the moment, but this time is different. I’ve just discovered something that’s so transformative, so revolutionary, I can’t imagine how I ever lived without it. Trust me, this is no gimmick. I’m talking about socks, and now…Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J2Y0)
DAVENPORT, IA—Acknowledging that his purely romantic intentions could easily be misunderstood, potential suitor James Gerretson said Tuesday he was unsure how to display his penis to the woman he liked without coming off as a creep. “The beginning of any relationship is a delicate time, so instead of risking a clumsy…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J2GF)
FAIRBANKS, AK—Though she was all geared up to complain about work when she went out for coffee Tuesday, local woman Laura Roman was reportedly forced to table any discussion of her frustrations after being sidelined by a friend with marital problems. “Goddammit, I was ready to blow off some serious steam about how…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3J2D9)
Beverage giant Coca-Cola is developing its first-ever alcoholic spin on its classic soda to be sold in Japan later this year, saying it will be 3 percent to 8 percent alcohol and feature a vodka-like distillation of rice, barley, and potatoes known as shÅchÅ«. What do you think?Read more...
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by OnionNews on (#3J26T)
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by The Onion on (#3J1Y4)
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by The Onion on (#3J071)
Americans set their clocks forward by one hour on Sunday so that daylight lasts further into the evening. How are you coping with losing an hour?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3J04N)
DURAND, MN—Guests in the home of local couple Steve and Pamela Baker were taken aback Sunday after being confronted with the sight of the large mirror mounted on the libertine kink-lovers’ bathroom wall. “I suspected those two were adventurous, but wow, I did not expect they’d rig a mirror for watching themselves…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3HZXQ)
ATLANTA—Explaining that the topic involves an elaborate web of military, political, and economic issues, CNN panelists warned Monday that the North Korea situation was way too complex for them to discuss intelligently. “Viewers should understand that a CNN panel has absolutely no business deliberating about the…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HZXR)
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by The Onion on (#3HZRC)
ATLANTA—As part of its ongoing campaign to combat the epidemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention rolled out a new fleet of Narcan-equipped biplanes Monday to fumigate opioid-ravaged small towns nationwide. “It’s become obvious that half measures will not remedy this crisis, so the next step is for CDC…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HZJH)
NEW YORK—Describing the 72-hour gauntlet of meals, gifts, surprises, and social events as “spine-chilling,†exhausted local man Blake McNally told reporters Monday that his girlfriend’s birthday weekend had been a nightmarish labyrinth through her darkest and most depraved desires. “God, I thought we were done after…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3HZEZ)
PARK CITY, UT—Admitting they felt utterly bewildered after viewing the new action movie Run River, audience members voiced their confusion Monday regarding a shot that panned from the villain to blood spattering against a wall. “It was really unclear; first, you see the bad guy with his hands up, then the camera moves…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HZC4)
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by The Onion on (#3HZ6C)
A Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report found that overdoses due to opioids such as oxycodone, fentanyl, and heroin increased by 30 percent from July 2016 to September 2017, revealing a still worsening crisis. What do you think?Read more...
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by jmdavid on (#3HSTB)
A Very Fatal Murder sends Onion Public Radio correspondent David Pascall from New York City to the sleepy town of Bluff Springs, Nebraska to investigate the mysterious death of a 17-year-old girl, Hayley Price. Haley was a popular, smart animal lover, with a bright future ahead of her. Everyone in town knew her name,…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HSHK)
A 132-year-old message in a bottle was found by an Australian family, with experts verifying that it was thrown off of a German Naval Observatory vessel in 1886 as an experiment in shipping routes. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3HSG3)
OAKLAND, CA—Alternating his problems with the film’s story structure, pacing, and overall tone with effusive praise for the cast of strong, multicultural women, Bay Area Examiner film columnist Justin Garren published a negative review of A Wrinkle In Time Friday in which he nevertheless took pains to remind his…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3HSG4)
DALLAS—As they filed silently past the disheveled twentysomething staring intently at his iPhone, each passenger on American Airlines Flight 176 to Miami on Friday reportedly had a different theory as to how the occupant of seat 3A managed to get into first class. “I don’t know, he looks way too young to be a CEO and…Read more...
by jmdavid on (#3HSTC)
In the finale of “A Very Fatal Murder,†David returns to where it all began to finally solve the murder of Hayley Price.Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3HSE0)
LOS GATOS, CA—Acknowledging that the former president’s enthusiasm for the project made it all the harder to come clean, Netflix chief content officer Ted Sarandos was reportedly unsure Friday how to tell Barack Obama his series idea was just Fawlty Towers. “Oh God, he clearly put so much work into the pitch, but I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3HS3V)
HINXTON, ENGLAND—Convening this week for an annual conference to discuss the role of unseemly physical traits in natural selection, researchers from around the globe reportedly remained divided on the issue of ugly people’s evolutionary function. “If the goal of the human adult is to reproduce, then why, after…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HRDY)
Fast-food giant McDonald’s announced it will roll out fresh beef at the majority of its domestic locations in a move to battle for customers’ increasingly divided attention. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3HRAZ)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Providing insight into the culture of early Western civilization, historians from the University of Oxford announced Friday the discovery of new evidence revealing that ancient Greeks immediately regretted inventing theater. “Our research shows that directly after developing theatrical performances as…Read more...