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ARLINGTON, VA—The Department of Homeland Security released a report Thursday confirming that Russia had in fact penetrated U.S. voter databases in order to ensure the 2016 general election was fair and free, just like the loyal allies they are. “After an exhaustive, months-long investigation, we have discovered…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining the rationale behind a two-year government budget deal crafted by members of both parties hours ahead of a potential shutdown, congressional leaders told reporters Thursday that they had put aside their partisan differences for the good of the nation’s military contractors. “It’s time that we…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Wearing a leotard and chain-smoking as he pounded out the measures with his cane, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly screamed, “It’s step, twist, step, dammit!” at a group of Marines on Wednesday as they learned the choreography for President Trump’s upcoming military parade. “Jesus Christ, how many…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hastily scrawling with crayons and markers, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump were reportedly forging their father’s signature Wednesday on letters they had written excusing them from any further testifying as part of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into their family’s role in potential Russian…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Tiptoeing across the floor of his bathroom in stockinged feet to quiet his approach, California Representative Devin Nunes reportedly shouted, “Aha!” Thursday before pulling back a shower curtain in the hopes of revealing a hidden FBI agent. “You thought you could hide from me,” the chairman of the House…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In a high-priority email sent to the entire staff, Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt ordered all employees Friday to stay in the office over the weekend while it’s being fumigated. “This communication is to inform you that workers will be spraying down the office with fumigants this…Read more...

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GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA—Applauding and cheering as news spread that their beloved, longtime home had been saved by executive order, the inmates of Guantánamo Bay celebrated Thursday in a spontaneous outpouring of both joy and relief. “President Trump really came through for us, my brothers—he saved the one place we’ve…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that such an action would be highly reckless, FBI Director Christopher Wray warned Thursday that releasing the “Nunes Memo” could potentially undermine faith in the massive, unaccountable government secret agencies of the United States. “Making this memo public will almost certainly impede our…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Ending any speculation over whether he would submit to questioning on the subject, lawyers representing President Trump confirmed Wednesday he is willing to clear up any concerns that talk show host Sean Hannity may have about his 2016 campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia. “The president has expressed…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Declaring during his first State of the Union address that the United States “must restore the rule of law,” President Trump took a hard line on domestic security issues Tuesday night as members of his staff handed out loaded revolvers to everyone in attendance. “Our way of life is being threatened by…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Swearing this was the last time he would trust a seller on the street, Illinois Senator Dick Durbin was forced to watch the State of the Union address from home Tuesday after getting ripped off by a ticket scalper. “I should have known something was up when that sketchy asshole claimed he had awesome seats…Read more...

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EAST LANSING, MI—Reflecting the American electorate’s increasing openness to unconventional political candidates, a new poll released by Michigan State University on Monday found that 78 percent of Americans would vote for the Liberty Bell in a presidential election. “A large majority of those surveyed said they could…Read more...

DAVOS—Maintaining that the notion didn’t even cross his mind, President Trump reportedly insisted Friday that he never once thought about firing Robert Mueller, feeding him to a pack of rabid dogs, and mounting his head in the Oval Office as a trophy. “At no point did I ever consider firing Mr. Mueller, tossing his…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Leaping out from behind a wall as Bob Seger’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” blared from the building’s intercom, a pantless Secretary of State Rex Tillerson slid across the waxed marble floors of the completely empty State Department, sources confirmed Wednesday.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following the passage of a temporary government funding bill approved by many Democrats that did not include protections for immigrants brought illegally to U.S. as children, Senators Cory Booker, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren reportedly assured Dreamers Tuesday that they will never stop fighting for…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—After yesterday’s announcement that the president received a perfect score on his cognitive assessment, White House physician Ronny L. Jackson told reporters Wednesday that follow-up tests confirmed that President Trump’s 19 other personalities are also perfectly healthy. “After an extensive psychological…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Chastising the assembled reporters for failing to cover the story, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders repeatedly insisted Wednesday that President Trump’s footprints created the Great Lakes. “In its relentless effort to undermine this administration, the media has completely ignored the fact that Lake…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Alleging she was deeply concerned about the destructive effect the revelation could have on her reputation, a new report released Tuesday suggests that adult film star Stormy Daniels may have paid over $130,000 to cover up a sexual encounter with Donald Trump. “Newly uncovered legal documents seem to indicate…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying the current disapproval would soon give way to support, House Speaker Paul Ryan was confident Thursday that the American people will warm up to the new tax plan once they realize life is a cruel and meaningless farce. “Although it may not be very popular now, I’m certain that Americans will come…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Grinning proudly as blood gushed from his victim’s windpipe, House Speaker Paul Ryan reportedly slit an auto mechanic’s throat Wednesday to kick off the GOP purge of the working class. “With our tax reform bill giving us the mandate we have long desired, there’s nothing stopping us now—commence the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the $1.5 trillion tax bill’s historic passage in both the House and the Senate, GOP leaders reportedly celebrated Wednesday their decisive win over everyday American citizens. “This is a monumental victory not only for us, but for everyone struggling under the reign of the average American,”…Read more...

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