STANFORD, CA—Saying representatives and senators alike must find time to usher their constituents out of their lonely, dark isolation with the guiding light of an elected official’s love, a study released Thursday by Stanford University revealed that 93 percent of Americans don’t truly know their congressperson, not…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to guarantee Americans the freedom to pick whichever mode of rapid ecological decay they desire, the Environmental Protection Agency rolled back federal emissions standards Friday to provide consumers with a broader choice over the type of apocalyptic hellscape Earth will inevitably become.…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the latest shakeup to their defense of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Russia probe, President Trump’s legal team reportedly welcomed Wednesday a guy who never missed an episode of Ally McBeal back in the day. “We’re excited today to be joined by Ron Farkus, an Ohio man who tuned in every week between…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that total war with a personality cult ruled by a nuclear-capable despot will be a harrowing commitment posing many unique challenges, newly appointed National Security Advisor John Bolton promised the American public Friday that the upcoming war with North Korea certainly won’t be a cakewalk…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Gently placing his hand on the small of Jared Kushner’s back, Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman applied only the gentlest of pressure—no more than a petal falling to the surface of a fountain—and in a voice heavy with anticipation, whispered “You are the jewel of my collection,” thus guiding his…Read more...

THE REALM OF MISDOING—Cackling with glee while observing the turmoil brought about by his consternating ways, enchanted goblin Grumblethor the Mischievous—creator of the world’s chaos and confusion—revealed Wednesday that he is pleased with the mayhem his magical antics have wrought upon White House–FBI relations.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Tears welling in their eyes as they faced each other while standing at attention, the Trump boys, Donald Jr. and Eric, exchanged a solemn salute before defiantly leaping from a first-story White House window. “It’s been an honor to serve with you, Don,” said a stoic Eric Trump who opened the window in the…Read more...

A growing ideological divide and the retirements of a number of longstanding governors and members of Congress are contributing to a wide-open and contentious primary season. The Onion outlines some of the most important primary elections taking place this spring and summer.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Wearing a double-breasted tuxedo vest and black bowtie while sitting next to the sinks in the U.S. Capitol men’s room, recently-fired FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe reportedly plans to spend the next three days as a congressional bathroom attendant to satisfy his pension requirements, sources confirmed…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting that his competitive spirit got the best of him, Secretary of Energy Rick Perry apologized Friday for trying to outdo his fellow cabinet members by spending $72 million of taxpayer money on a lampshade. “I deeply and sincerely regret becoming swept up in the office-decorating fervor of my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Lamenting that even the purest hearts were fated to be broken, the confused and anguished U.S. populace was struggling Friday with the question of why bad things happen to good people following the news that Vanessa Trump filed for divorce from Donald Trump Jr. earlier this week. “How could this happen to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying they are beginning to perceive the full scope of the secretive business dealings, investigators working for special counsel Robert Mueller announced Friday that subpoenaed Trump Organization financial records show the company’s only discrete holding is a Dairy Queen franchise in West Milford, NJ. “We…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the hours after subpoenaing the Trump Organization for a wide-ranging batch of files possibly germane to the investigation, sources confirmed Thursday that Special Counsel Robert Mueller was already exhausted trying to find Russia-related documents amid thousands of harassment lawsuits. “Oh my god, how…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the gender discrimination she faced in her field before receiving President Trump’s nomination to become the first female director of the CIA, career intelligence officer Gina Haspel recalled Tuesday having to torture many more prisoners than her male colleagues to prove herself. “For a long…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Jotting down a few thoughts in order to help his replacement hit the ground running, departing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly shot Mike Pompeo a quick email Tuesday to help get him up to speed on all the countries. “Hey Mike, just wanted to give you a brief rundown on the nations of the Earth…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the administration would not tolerate such egregious behavior from an official in his capacity, the White House confirmed Tuesday that outgoing Secretary of State Rex Tillerson had been fired for inappropriately weighing in on international politics. “Mr. Tillerson was well aware of what we expected…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that there was no one-size-fits-all solution to the problem, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos reportedly argued Monday that the issue of guns in schools should be fully left up to the individual shooters. “It’s not the role of the federal government to step in and dictate whether firearms in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shaking himself back to consciousness and cardiopulmonary function following a momentary lapse in personal viability, Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross apologized to the other cabinet members after briefly dying during a meeting on steel tariffs Friday. “Whoops, sorry about that—just walked towards the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Complaining that U.S. investigations into foreign interference in the election have gotten almost everything wrong, officials from dozens of countries around the world expressed irritation Friday that all of the credit for meddling in the 2016 presidential race was going to Russia.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging journalists not to fixate on specious rumors and instead pursue topics of real importance, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders warned reporters assembled for the press briefing Thursday that allegations of President Trump’s affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels were a steamy, sexy…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress. “After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Finding it difficult to refrain from basic human compassion and instead make everything about himself in the face of horrible tragedy, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly struggled Friday to maintain a believable Trump impression during phone calls with the teenage survivors of the mass shooting in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the CNN town hall debate had left him sexually aroused in a way he hadn’t experienced since his failed 2016 presidential run, Florida senator Marco Rubio admitted Friday that he was still rock-hard a couple days after being publicly humiliated on the national stage. “Oh, fuck yes, I had forgotten how…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Experiencing a rising sense of dread as he opened his eyes Friday morning and noticed the woman asleep beside him, a groggy and confused Vice President Mike Pence reportedly muttered, “Oh God, what happened last night?” upon waking up in the same bed as his wife. “This is Karen’s bed—what have I done?” said…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Thinking back to a far simpler time, veteran congressman Chuck Grassley (R-IA) told reporters Thursday that he could still remember when his inaction on gun violence actually presented a moral dilemma. “I can still recall how, years ago, deciding not to take any steps to address universal background checks…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Amid criticism of how long he waited to terminate the employment of Rob Porter, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly apologized Wednesday for assuming everyone would just ignore the abuse allegations against the staff secretary the way they always do in the military. “I am deeply sorry for thinking you…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the frequent festivities for departing staffers more efficient, White House officials announced Tuesday that the administration is now just holding one continuous going-away party. “Instead of throwing a send-off celebration for Rob Porter and Rick Dearborn only to turn around and do it…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—As they examined the recently released White House budget, U.S. senators and representatives expressed confusion Tuesday about the $500 million that President Trump has proposed the government spend on “laser stuff” in fiscal year 2019. “While I agree with many of the president’s recommendations, like his…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Championing the decision as a way to cut costs and still meet federally mandated nutrition requirements, President Trump announced a plan Tuesday to replace food stamps with a new low-income foraging program. “We have developed a new foraging-based plan that provides qualifying Americans with a small,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Heartbroken over the resignation of boyfriend Rob Porter from the Trump administration following reports that the now-former White House staff secretary had physically and emotionally abused his ex-wives, White House Communications Director Hope Hicks told reporters Friday she wished only to find one nice…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...