WASHINGTON—Responding to criticism that he has repeatedly spent money intended for agency use on personal items, lavish travel, and other unnecessary expenditures, Environmental Protection Agency administrator Scott Pruitt reportedly claimed Wednesday that the funds he has misappropriated would have only been wasted…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Completely mystified by the sudden appearance of two press secretaries attempting to undercut each other’s statements to reporters, a bewildered White House press corps sat in shock Tuesday watching dueling Sarah Huckabee Sanderses each claim that the other one was lying and she was the only one telling…Read more...

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VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA—Standing on the beach and stoically observing the tiny diagonal line that Trump’s desperately paddling campaign manager made across the sheer magnificence of the thrashing ocean, rain-soaked Special Counsel Robert Mueller silently endured a torrential downpour Tuesday while allowing Paul Manafort…Read more...

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CHAPPAQUA, NY—Explaining that she had yet to express regret for her behavior in the 20 years since the illicit affair came to light, former President Bill Clinton was reportedly still waiting Tuesday for a personal apology from Monica Lewinsky for using her power as an intern to exploit him sexually. “All these years…Read more...

NEW YORK—Reflecting on his past indiscretions in light of the #MeToo movement, former President Bill Clinton admitted Monday that knowing what he knows now, he would have still preyed on women. “Man, if I had to do it all over again, I’d probably just do the same horrible stuff to all those girls,” said Clinton,…Read more...

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Having been offered no sign remorse in the 20 years since the illicit affair came to light, former president Bill Clinton was reportedly still waiting Tuesday for a personal apology from Monica Lewinsky for using her power as intern to exploit him sexually. “All these years later and Monica has not even…Read more...

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DEWDROP FOREST—Beseeching the eldritch demigoddess whom all creatures have come to revere as the Queen of Ash and Linden to remain in the arboreal realm for just one more moonrise to grant the dryads aid and succor in their upcoming battle against the spider warlocks, Faerie King Trysmuir pleaded in vain for Melania…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking to Steve Doocy during an interview with Fox & Friends, President Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani laid out the legal framework Monday that would allow him to remain on TV for the next couple years. “The president absolutely has the authority to delay meeting with [Special Counsel Robert] Mueller for…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a controversial 7-2 decision that has left civil liberties advocates fuming, the U.S. Supreme Court Monday ruled that gay rights do not extend to dessert. “While homosexuals do have the right to get married, the right to equal treatment does not cover instances of pastry, cake, or candy,” said Senior…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Adding the finishing touches of two earrings made of twisted paper clips and a mop head hastily colored brown with magic marker, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump spent several hours constructing a life-sized fake Melania Trump for their lonely father to spend time with, White House sources confirmed Friday.…Read more...

Founded in 1854, the Republican Party has been one of America’s two major political parties for most of the nation’s existence. The Onion presents a timeline of the party that currently controls all three branches of government.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Eyes widening in terror as she scrolled through the day’s images, chief official White House photographer Shealah Craighead became increasingly disturbed Thursday after discovering a faint, ghostly image of Melania Trump in the background of every photo she had taken. “I swear the State Dining Room was…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following months of bruising criticism from Democrats and President Trump alike, an inconsolable Jeff Sessions was reportedly trying to commit suicide Thursday by smoking a joint. “I swore I’d never take the coward’s way out, but what choice do I have?” said a teary-eyed Sessions, carefully laying a sealed…Read more...

HAMDEN, CT—Pollsters from the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute reportedly informed former president George H.W. Bush on Wednesday that dying so soon after the passing of his wife, Barbara, would dramatically boost his favorability rating with the American public. “According to our data, perishing on the same…Read more...

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FRESNO, CA—Emphasizing that a clean break was probably best for all parties involved, prominent Republican donor David Heyward announced Tuesday that he contributed $4.5 million to Devin Nunes on the condition that the California representative and House Intelligence Committee chairman retire upon receipt of the funds…Read more...

BERLIN—Leaping at the chance to never again deal with the U.S. after North Korea’s disparaging remarks towards the vice president, leaders from the other 193 nations of the world began insulting Mike Pence Thursday in hopes of avoiding future meetings with President Donald Trump. “Mike Pence is just a dumbfuck…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Issuing a series of threats and warnings to gain the East Asian government’s cooperation, an angry Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly shouted “You better give our dad a good trade deal or you’ll be sorry!” while on the phone Thursday with an employee of a local Chinese food restaurant. “If you don’t…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following a period of uncertainty during a months-long FBI background check, Senior Adviser to the President Jared Kushner told reporters Thursday he’s excited to finally visit the White House after gaining permanent security clearance. “Oh, my God, I can’t believe I’m going to see where the president…Read more...

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DOVER, DE—Insisting that he was “totally fuckin’ innocent” as soapy water cascaded onto the establishment’s floor, former Vice President Joe Biden was reportedly kicked out of a local coin-op laundromat Thursday after his bright-orange shag rug flooded a washing machine. “Easy there, cabrón—ain’t my fault your…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Challenging American citizens to band together, rise up, and break out of their “mind prisons,” mohawked former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson Thursday warned that U.S. democracy was being threatened by plutocratic fascist pigs fucking over the working man. “These totalitarian autocrats are coming to fuck…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confident that their findings represented a clear step forward in the ongoing Russia investigation, the Senate Intelligence Committee confirmed Thursday that Donald Trump Jr. has no knowledge. “After questioning him many times, we can confirm that Donald Trump Jr. knows absolutely nothing about anything;…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—On the heels of this week’s decision lifting a federal ban on sports betting, the U.S. Supreme Court issued a 7-2 ruling Wednesday that legalizes all worldly vices, with the justices decreeing that immoral behaviors such as gambling, drug use, prostitution, and incest are “all good now.” “It is the opinion…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—After spending the better part of Monday afternoon watching live television coverage of the demonstrations in the hotly contested Gaza Strip, Donald Trump declared himself “absolutely fascinated” by the Israeli cultural tradition of slaughtering protestors. “It’s very beautiful, such a beautiful custom,”…Read more...

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DALLAS—Acknowledging the company had made a serious error in its efforts to curry favor with the president, AT&T CEO Randall Stephenson reportedly admitted Friday that he regretted hiring Trump’s personal attorney, Michael Cohen, to help its merger with Time Warner go through instead of just dropping a ton of cash off…Read more...

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Many people view American politics as becoming less civil since President Trump’s election, but it’s useful to try to understand what people mean by “civility” and how calls for civility effect both citizens and elected officials. The Onion outlines the pros and cons of civility in politics.

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WASHINGTON—After gathering supplies such as a magnifying glass, a spool of twine, and a number of depositions drawn in crayon, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump reportedly set up the “Don And Eric Law Place” in a White House electrical room Monday to help their father with his ongoing legal woes. “Objection! Objection,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—Welcoming viewers back to an exclusive interview featuring the President’s new attorney, Special Counsel Robert Mueller posed as a Fox News host Thursday to coax Rudy Giuliani into giving him a testimony on Trump. “Rudy, it’s always a pleasure to have you on ‘Mueller Tonight’—now, I wanted to really dig in…Read more...

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RAWL, WV—Extolling the variety of ways his past actions continue to benefit the hard-working people of West Virginia, a new campaign ad from Senate hopeful Don Blankenship aired Friday touting the multitude of new jobs created in the wake of the Upper Big Branch Mine disaster. “I’m Don Blankenship, and I’m proud to…Read more...

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