NEW YORK—Noting that the former New York mayor has “got a real nice life going here” and that “it would be a shame to ruin it for no good reason,” a mysterious man reportedly approached Rudy Giuliani in a parking lot Thursday, strongly implying that he should never speak publically concerning Trump’s legal payments…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Fervently proclaiming that he was actually the one responsible for the scandal involving the adult film actress, Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue reportedly stated Thursday, in a desperate attempt to serve as President Trump’s fall guy, that he was the one who slept with Stormy Daniels. “It was me—I…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—With the Trump probe constantly preoccupying more and more of the special investigator’s mind, Robert Mueller has reportedly forced his wife this week to dye her hair and dress in expensive jewelry and designer gowns identical to those worn by Ivanka Trump. “Dammit, go get a different clutch and put on the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Frantically searching desk drawers, file folders, and the soil of a potted plant, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly ransacked Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s office Tuesday in order to steal the corresponding answer key for the questions investigators planned to ask their father. “USA Patriot Number…Read more...

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Actor and activist Cynthia Nixon is mounting a progressive challenge to incumbent New York governor Andrew Cuomo in a Democratic Party primary that could have far-reaching implications nationwide. The Onion offers a side-by-side comparison of the two candidates.Read more...

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MOSCOW—Confessing that her relationship with the Putin government was closer than previously disclosed, Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya admitted Friday to repeated and frequent communication with the Kremlin concerning the Trump campaign’s “unprecedented, colossal, and towering” ineptitude. “On numerous…Read more...

The White House Correspondents’ Association will be holding its annual dinner on April 28, in a tradition that has happened nearly every year since 1921. The Onion presents a timeline of the biggest moments in White House Correspondents’ Dinner history.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of providing young people with the skills they need to make good decisions as they mature into adulthood, Vice President Mike Pence held a press conference Thursday to unveil a new campaign educating teens about the dangers of premarital eye contact. “This new initiative will…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Rocking back and forth in his chair and openly weeping, a dirty, disheveled EPA administrator Scott Pruitt confessed during testimony before the House Appropriations committee Thursday that he had spent the last of his department’s funding weeks ago. “It’s gone, all gone, every penny of it—poof, just like…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Trying to help out by offering an alternative choice amid controversy over current pick Ronny Jackson, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump pleaded with their father to nominate the G.I. Joe action figure Cobra Commander for secretary of veterans affairs. “He’s a good, strong leader just like you, Dad, and he’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Experiencing searing abdominal pain brought on by the healthy fare, President Trump reportedly suffered horrible indigestion Wednesday, the morning after he ate a fresh, well-prepared meal at his first state dinner. “Ugh, my God—why the hell did I eat all that garbage last night?” said the wincing, sweating…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Zigzagging through the State Dining Room in an effort to avoid bath time, a naked Eric Trump ran through his father’s first state dinner Tuesday pursued by a screaming au pair, White House guests have confirmed. The official ceremony to honor visiting French president Emmanuel Macron was reportedly…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Explaining that he found the discrepancies “delightful” and “nothing to be embarrassed about,” Emmanuel Macron admitted during a chat with American leaders Tuesday that he was charmed by the little differences between Islamophobia in France and the United States. “In a broad sense, our cultures both share a…Read more...

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A series of memos written by former FBI director James Comey and released to Congress Thursday by the Justice Department provide more insight into his relationship with President Donald Trump, as well as offer information pertinent to the ongoing investigation into his administration’s ties to Russia. The Onion…Read more...

NEO-SEATTLE—Decrying the lack of decorum on display, an American from decades in the future remarked that politics was never this toxic “back in the 2010s,” shaking his head as he watched the leading presidential candidates of 2048 fight to the death in blood-soaked debate pits.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Demanding greater accountability for the race’s outcome, the Democratic National Committee reportedly filed a multimillion-dollar lawsuit Friday alleging that the nation should never, ever stop focusing on the 2016 presidential election. “Our lawsuit lays out, in no uncertain terms, that the nation should…Read more...

PYONGYANG—Declaring that he has “finally, at long last, come home” to a society that properly aligns with his values, former C.I.A. director and U.S. Secretary of State candidate Mike Pompeo officially defected to the totalitarian nation Thursday after learning about Kim Jong-un’s torture program. “It’s amazing—the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stammering as they struggled to form an opinion about the surprising revelation, the nation’s liberals admitted Thursday they were not sure what to think after hearing U.S. Special Counsel Robert Mueller had waterboarded every suspect in his investigation into the Trump campaign. “I’ve stood firmly in…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following President Trump’s decision to launch airstrikes in Syria without seeking approval from Congress, GOP lawmakers reportedly asked what they had ever done to make the commander in chief think they wouldn’t immediately knuckle under and let him bomb whomever he wishes. “Honestly, he ought to know by…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying that any past interactions he’d had with the attorney were completely informal, Fox News television host Sean Hannity told reporters Tuesday that his relationship with Michael Cohen never went beyond paying him for legal advice and discussing criminal defense strategies. “Mr. Cohen is no more than an…Read more...

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A new book by former FBI director James Comey, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, And Leadership, promises to offer an inside look at his time in federal law enforcement, as well as his controversial role in the 2016 presidential election. Here are the biggest revelations from Comey’s autobiography.Read more...

WASHINGTON—As the U.S. military awaited a potential response to its recent series of targeted airstrikes, sources reported Monday that the Trump administration would not rule out escalating defense-sector profits from the conflict in Syria. “If [Syrian president] Bashar al-Assad decides to retaliate, we won’t hesitate…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly shocked Monday after suddenly realizing that he wrote his forthcoming memoir, A Higher Loyalty, as a defense mechanism to subconsciously mask his true, romantic feelings for President Donald Trump. “Oh, my God, it just dawned on me, I’m head over heels in love…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Expressing their bewilderment that the former FBI director had chosen to focus on the incident in such detail, the U.S. populace was reportedly confused Friday after learning that James Comey had dedicated the entirety of his upcoming memoir, A Higher Calling, to an in-depth retelling of the Martha Stewart…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Expressing surprise at the relatively tame treatment he had received during his confirmation hearing, Secretary of State nominee Mike Pompeo told reporters Thursday that he can’t believe the Senate expected him to give answers without even being tortured first. “I thought I was supposed to be grilled on my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Cutting the commander-in-chief off mid-sentence and demanding that he give them a straight answer, U.S. General Paul Selva reportedly snapped “Look, just tell us who to kill” Thursday as President Donald Trump entered the 20th minute of a rambling answer about what to do in Syria. “With all due respect, Mr.…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Stressing the importance of thinking long and hard about what a scandal like that could do to his career, White House aides spent hours Thursday trying to talk Donald Trump out of sending associates to break into the Watergate office complex. “Mr. President, I don’t think anyone from the DNC has worked…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Making it clear that they are fully prepared to use every means at their disposal to stand up against rival foreign powers, Donald Jr. and Eric Trump announced Thursday that if Russia continues to provoke the United States, they will not hesitate to egg targets in Moscow. “We like those guys, but make no…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to calm the uneasy tech mogul’s nerves during his congressional hearing Wednesday, members of the U.S. House of Representatives reassured Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg that they weren’t actually going to be doing anything about any of this. “Mr. Zuckerberg, the members of this committee have…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Taking full responsibility for the major oversight, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized in his testimony to the House Energy and Commerce Committee Wednesday for not realizing the full scope of his genius. “At the time, I thought I was only making a simple tool to connect people and was completely…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Repeatedly hitting the tech CEO with questions about his social media site’s methodology, members of Congress demanded Wednesday that Mark Zuckerberg tell them exactly how Facebook got people to give up their civil liberties without a fight. “Mr. Zuckerberg, please explain in detail how you convinced people…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Realizing this thing might go a whole lot higher than anyone had imagined, Justice Department special counsel Robert Mueller reportedly grew pale Tuesday, the blood draining from his face, as he discovered his Russia investigation might lead all the way to the White House. “No, no, no, that can’t be right,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Admitting they could not deny themselves a chance to glimpse a genius in action, FBI officials confirmed they raided the office of President Trump’s longtime lawyer Michael Cohen Monday so they could develop a deeper appreciation of his masterful legal work. “Yesterday afternoon, federal agents confiscated…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As he began his tenure serving as President Trump’s national security advisor, John Bolton reportedly arrived in the White House Tuesday excited to see so many familiar wars. “Afghanistan and Iraq are still here? Man, things haven’t changed a bit,” said a thrilled Bolton while making the rounds in the West…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage at the crude, depraved perennials throughout the nation’s capitol, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly horrified Tuesday by the D.C. cherry trees flagrantly displaying their reproductive organs for all to see. “Oh, no, this is completely disgusting,” said a visibly agitated Pence,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Waking in the same bleary-eyed state of confusion as he has every day of his Presidency, Donald Trump blinked at his unfamiliar surroundings and slowly shook his head several times before finding and reading the phrase, “You are Donald Trump, 45th president of the United States,” from a faded tattoo on his…Read more...