by The Onion on (#3VGEK)
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| Updated | 2024-11-24 10:45 |
by The Onion on (#3VECM)
WASHINGTON—Taking a moment from his now-mundane life to address any lingering uncertainty about the outcome of the highly publicized legal ordeal, a confused Robert Mueller was forced to remind the nation Monday that the Russia Investigation wrapped up months ago. “Wait, doesn’t anyone remember? We arrested a bunch of…Read more...
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ARLINGTON, VA—Quietly climbing out from under the sheets and sliding on a trench coat, accused Russian agent Maria Butina slipped away Friday after binding the wrists of a half-naked, blindfolded Robert Mueller to a bed frame with silk scarves. “I’m sorry to duck out like this, but I’m running late for an important…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8X4)
WASHINGTON—Revealing that the physical world could no longer bear the weight of numerous contradictory realities, sources confirmed Friday that dozens of Whites Houses have begun to leak from a temporal vortex as President Trump’s rapidly changing story of meeting Putin tears apart space-time. “A White House is…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V8RD)
WASHINGTON—In a sharp rebuke of the President’s failure to denounce Russia for interfering in the 2016 election, the Senate passed a bipartisan resolution Friday preventing themselves from stopping Trump. “Today, in service to the American people, we set aside our differences and reached across the aisle to send…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V73M)
WASHINGTON—Saying that their investigation indicated her involvement in election interference went deeper than previously believed, the FBI revealed Thursday that Russian agent Maria Butina traded sex in exchange for all 62,984,828 votes Donald Trump received for president in 2016. “Our inquiry into Ms. Butina…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4TY)
WASHINGTON—Expressing concern that he had not done enough to stop the oppressive Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, House Speaker Paul Ryan told reporters Wednesday that he was worried history may judge him harshly for his failure to confront the ruthless tyranny of government food stamp abusers. “What will I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V4QH)
WASHINGTON—Lauding President Trump for his invaluable role in the operation, Special Counsel Robert Mueller informed the public Wednesday that his so-called Russia investigation was in fact merely a cover for an elaborate sting to bring down the Clinton family’s child sex-slavery ring. “The Justice Department has…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V2GG)
WASHINGTON—In response to public outcry over his recent controversial press conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin, Senate leaders cautioned Tuesday that it was far too early to discuss Trump. “We understand that many Americans may not agree with everything the president says, but these calls for the Senate…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V2CX)
EARTH—Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to…Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Tossing a lit match on the assemblage of kerosene-doused case files, transcripts, and seized hard drives, Special Counsel Robert Mueller burned every piece of evidence in his investigation into 2016 election interference Tuesday after hearing President Trump’s pointed critique of the U.S. intelligence…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V24R)
WASHINGTON—In the aftermath of the president’s controversial meeting with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland, supporters reportedly praised Donald Trump Tuesday for upholding the traditional American value of supporting murderous dictators for political gain. “It is a proud moment in American history to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3V0CR)
WASHINGTON—Promising citizens that they would finally take action if the President crossed this new red line, GOP leaders announced Monday that they were moving their goalposts for opposing Trump to him being filmed masturbating on an American flag in Arlington National Cemetery. “After today’s attack on U.S.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TZW6)
WASHINGTON—With results that were consistent across every demographic group in all 50 states, a poll published Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that 97 percent of U.S. citizens do not know who Donald Trump is. “When interviewed, the overwhelming majority of Americans did not recognize Donald Trump’s name,…Read more...
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WASHINGTON—In a move that experts believe could upend the confirmation of President Trump’s second Supreme Court justice, the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh had reportedly begun to falter Friday after The Washington Post published a shocking editorial claiming he neglected to attend his eldest daughter’s piano recital…Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Following immediately on the heels of his hearing before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees, FBI agent Peter Strzok was again summoned to testify before Congress Thursday about texts calling Trey Gowdy a “pissy little shithead.†“Now what exactly did you mean when you said Trey Gowdy was a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TSAT)
WASHINGTON—Indulging his secret weakness for rule-breaking after months of toeing the unbreakable line of Republican politics as usual, Speaker of the House of Representatives Paul Ryan used his monthly cheat day to indulge in one single bipartisan vote. “God, it feels so naughty—it really is naughty—but after weeks…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TQNC)
BRUSSELS—Suddenly overcome by a swell of emotion while rebuking the other members for their unwillingness to share the burden of mutual security obligations, a tearful President Trump admitted Wednesday to his fellow world leaders that the NATO alliance is the closest thing to friendship he’s ever had. “I’m sorry to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3TQJ5)
BRUSSELS—Blasting member states for failing to contribute their “fair share,†President Trump demanded at a summit meeting Wednesday that NATO allies match the U.S. commitment to making military spending a far greater national priority than healthcare. “In the United States, we’ve gone above and beyond to make sure…Read more...
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Associate Justice Anthony Kennedy announced Wednesday he will retire July 31 after more than 30 years on the Supreme Court, a decision with far-reaching ramifications for the judicial branch, as well as the U.S. political system as a whole. The Onion takes a look at the effects that Justice Kennedy’s retirement will…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3T0RK)
The Supreme Court on Tuesday ruled 5-4 in favor of President Trump’s policy to ban virtually all travelers from seven mostly Muslim-majority countries from entering the U.S., overriding the lower-court ruling that it was unconstitutional. The Onion answers the most important questions about the Supreme Court upholding…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3STKA)
WASHINGTON—Frustrated by what she called “obvious misconceptions†related to the Trump administration’s detention of thousands of migrant children who have been forcibly separated from their parents, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders reminded journalists Friday that children under the age of 14 are…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SPJM)
NEW HAVEN, CT—At a loss to explain the mysterious nature of the president’s powers, political scientists were reportedly baffled Wednesday by Donald Trump’s ability to end the practice of separating families who cross the U.S. border seeking asylum mere days after stating that he had no control over it. “Just…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SKG6)
WASHINGTON—Claiming that the publication of such a brief, tantalizing bit of audio was a breach of their journalistic responsibility, a furious Stephen Miller told reporters Tuesday that he was outraged at ProPublica for only releasing seven minutes of immigrant children sobbing. “It’s unacceptable that this so-called…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SH8D)
WASHINGTON—In response to criticism of the Justice Department’s “zero tolerance†policy stripping migrant children away from their parents and placing them in detention centers, Attorney General Jeff Sessions argued Monday that family separations are only happening because current law doesn’t allow him to strangle…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3SH88)
WASHINGTON—Standing up to the government agency in a blistering essay published in the Washington Post, former First Lady Laura Bush wrote a courageous op-ed Monday calling for the imprisonment of whoever created ICE. “Separating children from their parents is an unconscionable moral tragedy, and everyone involved…Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Claiming that the administration’s policy was rooted in a clear moral authority, Attorney General Jeff Sessions reportedly defended separating immigrant families Friday by citing his senate confirmation vote. “I would remind anyone concerned about the ethics of removing asylum-seekers from their children…Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Claiming that such an obviously corrupt and dishonest individual could not be trusted to provide accurate testimony, the president’s lawyers reportedly moved to discredit Michael Cohen Thursday by pointing out his long history of committing crimes for Donald Trump. “We’re talking about a man who has…Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Saying the decision represented what was best for himself and for the nation, Frank Giaccio, the 11-year-old boy best known for mowing the White House lawn last September, told reporters Wednesday that he has decided to flip on Trump. “After extensive discussion with my legal representatives, I’ve realized…Read more...
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AUGUSTA, ME—Advising caution as residents go to the state’s gubernatorial and congressional primaries Tuesday, election experts warned that Maine’s new voting system may lead to a greater risk of citizens getting their finger pinched by a live lobster stuffed into the ballot box. “These rules endanger voters by…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S3KG)
SINGAPORE—Saying the agreement represents a major high point in American international relations, President Trump concluded his summit with Kim Jong-un Monday by securing a $10 billion trade deal to sell both strategic and tactical nuclear warheads directly to North Korea. “There was some negotiating involved in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3S34R)
PARIS—Waiting in anticipation of the meeting between U.S. president Donald Trump and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un, dozens of world leaders reportedly expressed hope Monday that the Singapore summit would lead to North Korea becoming a normal impoverished country they don’t have to think about. “I think I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3RVDM)
NEW YORK—Describing the pathetic manner in which the North Korean dictator debased himself while pleading for a meeting with President Trump, Rudy Giuliani claimed Thursday that Kim Jong-un begged like a has-been-politician-turned-hack-attorney trying to get a job at the White House. “He groveled like a washed-up…Read more...