on (#56FRA)
Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-07-04 20:00 |
on (#56D49)
NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout, federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game. Sources confirmed that minutes before their…Read more...
on (#56D04)
Garth Brooks announced that he has taken himself out of the running for Entertainer of the Year at the 2020 CMA awards, saying he has already won seven times and it’s time for him to step aside so a younger generation can take the prize. What do you think?Read more...
on (#56CX9)
WASHINGTON—Suddenly standing up and ending the interview as the conversation took a more heated turn, former President Barack Obama reportedly stormed out of a taping of The Michelle Obama Podcast Friday after the host continually pressed him on his administration’s drone use policy. “Hey, this is a complete ambush…Read more...
on (#56FRC)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation’s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time, Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier. “Starting this week, every American making under $75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class…Read more...
on (#56CTG)
A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights, particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic, and could have a significant impact on voting in November. The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting rights lawsuits that could affect the 2020 election.Read more...
on (#56CMD)
IOWA CITY, IA—Deriding the work’s narrative structure as formulaic and ultimately predictable, local 4-year-old Sophia Newsome issued a pointed critical assessment of the pop-up book Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden Friday, arguing it was overly dependent upon the lifting of colored flaps. “Naturally, I was impressed the…Read more...
on (#56CGK)
ECHO, OR—Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around, several U.S. federal agents reportedly had driven three hours away from Portland Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the backseat. “Goddamnit, how did we miss him?” said federal agent Steve LaJoie to his partner…Read more...
on (#56CGM)
Ever since its 2005 release, Nintendogs has built up a loyal fanbase of those who fell in love with the title’s adorable cast of cuddly characters, yet resigned themselves to never seeing anything as cute in their daily lives. Well, gamers, feast your eyes on this: It turns out there’s a real-life creature called a…Read more...
on (#56CGN)
After protracted negotiations over the details of playing during the Covid-19 pandemic, Major League Baseball finally began a shortened 60-game season last week. Here are The Onion Sports’ highlights from the first week of play.Read more...
on (#56CD6)
Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.Read more...
on (#56C5T)
Scientists say a newly developed blood test can accurately diagnose whether a patient has Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, allowing doctors to provide better treatments and prognoses and opening the door for researchers to one day develop a test for people who are not showing symptoms. What do you think?Read more...
on (#56BFV)
Mattel announced a lineup of four new Barbie dolls, including a presidential candidate, a campaign manager, a fundraiser, and a voter, which the company hopes will encourage young girls to see themselves in public leadership roles. What do you think?Read more...
on (#56BFW)
WASHINGTON—Following months of scrupulous vetting and careful political calculation, Joe Biden’s vice-presidential selection committee announced Thursday it had whittled down its shortlist to include only women, and also men who have long hair. “I believe a presidential administration should look like the country it…Read more...
on (#56BFX)
After a four-month suspension of play caused by the coronavirus pandemic, the NBA returns to action in the locked-down Orlando bubble on Thursday, with 22 remaining teams competing for the Larry O’Brien Trophy. Here are Onion Sports’ top contenders.Read more...
on (#56BFY)
BALTIMORE—Scouring the video-messaging app to find the perfect birthday gift for his best friend and fellow season ticket holder, Ravens fan Dedrick Bell reportedly couldn’t believe Thursday that Ray Lewis was charging just $300 dollars on Cameo to stab people. “I know it’s a little pricey, but my buddy’s gonna flip…Read more...
on (#56BFZ)
BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday, stating “I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.” “If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw…Read more...
on (#56BG1)
Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.Read more...
on (#56A8B)
Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Mark Zuckerberg, and Sundar Pichai testified before Congress on Wednesday following a year of investigation by the House Antitrust Subcommittee into accusations that the companies’ practices harm consumers and stifle competition. What do you think?Read more...
on (#56A8C)
ATLANTA—Further escalating tensions with the mayors of his state, Georgia governor Brian Kemp reportedly pushed against calls for more coronavirus restrictions Wednesday by moving all government business to a packed indoor pool. “In order to fight the gross government overreach of these so-called protective measures,…Read more...
on (#56A8E)
NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was frustrated the season is already falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn’t. “I concentrated super hard, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and wished that the MLB season would…Read more...
on (#56A8F)
PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make a positive impact in his community, local software engineer Marquis Edwin hoped Wednesday that the children in his neighborhood would enjoy the 2004 coding textbook he added to the lending library. “This is going to give them a really solid foundation of code and debugging techniques,…Read more...
on (#56A8G)
ROME—Shedding new light on the demise of the long-extinct sovereignty, archeologists from Princeton University announced Wednesday that they had located the impact crater made by the asteroid that destroyed the Roman Empire. “This astonishing find helps us understand what really occurred during the final days of the…Read more...
on (#56A8J)
TikTok, a wildly popular video-sharing app, has come under fire from President Trump and tech security critics both for being owned by a large Chinese company and for the spread of conspiracy theories on the platform, leading to calls for it to be banned in the U.S. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning…Read more...
on (#569PV)
ROCKFORD, IL—Describing the ceremony as lackluster but nonetheless functional, family friend Taylor Evans told reporters Wednesday that the homegoing service of Charles Culpepper was just alright. “It wasn’t one of my favorites—not even in top five—but it celebrated Chuck’s life, and that’s ultimately what it’s all…Read more...
on (#569PW)
THE HEAVENS—Admonishing His flock for concerning themselves with human affairs beyond the ballpark, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reminded angels Wednesday that helping struggling baseball teams was their number-one priority. “If I don’t see you giving a lackluster batter the strength to…Read more...
on (#569PZ)
They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap?Read more...
on (#569Q0)
A team of 16 rescuers say they “didn’t need to think twice” about mobilizing and retrieving a 120-pound St. Bernard named Daisy from Scafell Pike, England’s highest peak, on Friday after she injured her leg at the summit. What do you think?Read more...
on (#569Q1)
Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has pledged $1.5 million to help supplement the incomes of WNBA players who have opted out of the 2020 season due to coronavirus concerns or for social justice reasons. What do you think?Read more...
on (#569Q2)
AUSTIN, TX—Getting sentimental as he discussed going about his regular routine to the outrage of those around him, area man Mike Kinkel told reporters Tuesday that he would always remember this as the summer he lived life normally and everyone got really mad at him all the time. “Years from now, when I look back on…Read more...
on (#568N8)
WASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book, Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “uphold the rule of law” while federal agents dragged a screaming Jerry Nadler outside into an unmarked van. “This is standard…Read more...
on (#568N9)
LONDON—Following last week’s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “next on the chopping block.” “Oh dear, if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my…Read more...
on (#568NA)
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide residents with a way to more safely patronize restaurants without fear of contracting Covid-19, Los Angeles officials announced a new initiative Tuesday to designate open-air dining areas along the 101 freeway median. “We’re thrilled to take this bold step to give Angelinos a chance…Read more...
on (#568NB)
SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying that the terrifying image was still seared into her brain, local mom Jeannine Kirchner called her daughter Tuesday in a panic after she had an ultra-realistic nightmare she cut off her beautiful hair. “Oh my God, I had the worst dream last night, where I was just sitting on my couch and then…Read more...
on (#568ND)
GRAN CHACO, BOLIVIA—Despite expressing reservations about being a caricature of his entire species, local giant anteater Armando Snout confirmed Tuesday that even though he knew it was stereotypical, he couldn’t help but love ants. “I know, I know, I’m a walking cliché, but can you blame a guy—they’re just plain…Read more...
on (#568NE)
The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.Read more...
on (#56846)
Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and White House advisor Larry Kudlow both asserted this weekend that the next round of coronavirus relief legislation will include another $1,200 check for Americans making less than $75,000 a year. What do you think?Read more...