The Onion

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in…Read more...

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent…Read more...

Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.” What do you think?Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?” said…Read more...

As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think?Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my…Read more...

Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.Read more...

STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them…Read more...

“When will you learn, my son? This is your world here. You must never look out upon the other side of these walls, for those in the village could never accept a hideous sight such as you.”Read more...

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A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.Read more...

In a video that has since gone viral, penguins at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium were given the opportunity to explore the premises and visit animals in other exhibits this week as the facility closed its doors to the public. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that the deadly COVID-19 virus could continue to plague the United States for far longer than previously expected, experts from the CDC announced Friday that Americans could still be dealing with coronavirus as late as tomorrow afternoon. “According to our most recent projections, residents in all…Read more...

We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation’s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies. “This is a vital…Read more...

NORTHWOOD, NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19, hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country, sources confirmed Friday. “People were grabbing up the jigsaws, the crosswords,…Read more...

Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead, Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one. “This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices, but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even…Read more...

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of…Read more...

This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.Read more...

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The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans! It’s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console, but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch. And if that wasn’t exciting enough news, the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game’s…Read more...

With the world locked down under threat of coronavirus, Google highlighted its collection of virtual tours featuring over 2,500 museums and cultural attractions from around the globe, including the Guggenheim in New York, the Palace of Versaille, Machu Picchu, and the Tokyo National Museum. What do you think?Read more...

But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?Read more...

Leaked documents allegedly show that the video-sharing app Tik-Tok instructed moderators to censor posts made by people deemed ugly, poor, overweight or disabled in an effort to artificially limit their audiences. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers, 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends. “Everyone is panicking about this thing, but as far as I can tell,…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered, local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it. “The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was…Read more...

In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive abilities, its immediate impact on one’s physical appearance is perhaps even more astonishing. The man pictured above is…Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Letting out deep, powerful grunts that echoed throughout the area’s countless deserted storefronts, thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded the streets of New York City Thursday mere days after residents were quarantined indoors. “After just a week of human isolation, this once-dying…Read more...

Well gamers, it looks like Sony’s long-anticipated unveiling of the PlayStation 5’s specs did not disappoint. Not only is the system massively powerful with over 10 teraflops of computing output, but the company also revealed the state-of-the-art console can function as a makeshift gravestone to mark the site of your…Read more...

Amazon announced they will hire an additional 100,000 warehouse and delivery workers to keep up with the onslaught of new orders as customers shift their shopping online during the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.Read more...

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Quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is a free agent after 20 years with the New England Patriots, though it is rumored he plans to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?Read more...

Ever since last year’s announcement of the Xbox Series X, gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out. Well, today Microsoft’s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that’s going to blow…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower, President Donald Trump hit back at China Wednesday by announcing the U.S. would also expel American journalists. “Effective immediately, all reporters must leave the country—we’re not going to let China outdo us on this one,” said Trump, who issued…Read more...

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Uh, hello? Adorable much?Read more...

As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to counter the economic costs of the coronavirus’ spread, the spotlight is on President Donald Trump and his administration, which has been criticized for its crisis response. The Onion looks at the timeline of the Trump…Read more...

NBCUniversal announced that several films currently in theaters, including Invisible Man and Emma, will be available for rent online, and Trolls World Tour, which was set to come out Easter weekend, will be available on-demand March 10th. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be…Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Lamenting the NCAA’s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns, representatives from the Kansas men’s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship. “It really sucks we won’t have the chance to lift that…Read more...

The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they’d be “just fine” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector, the nation’s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago. “Listen, we just do this to stay grounded…Read more...

“Place rice in cooking bowl and add liquid to appropriate line marking.” Who said it?Read more...

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