The Onion

GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS, ECUADOR—Looking forward to exploring a new chapter of her storied 60-year career, Jane Goodall issued a statement Friday announcing she’s all about lizards now. “Gila monsters, bearded dragons, Komodo dragons, Nile monitors, iguanas, jungle-runners, chameleons—you name it, and if it’s a lizard, then…Read more...

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that he was now completely bankrupt, comedian Jerry Seinfeld confirmed Friday that he was destitute after pouring his entire fortune into the purchase of a $950 million car. “Yes, it was expensive, but on the other hand, it’s a really incredible car, which is great since I’ll be living out of it…Read more...

Following his inauguration, speculation has turned to what President Joe Biden will do with his first 100 days in office. The Onion takes a deep dive into the first 100 days of the Biden administration.

NFL official Sarah Thomas will become the first woman to officiate at the Super Bowl, where she will serve as the down judge. What do you think?Read more...

With the Hitman trilogy finally wrapping up this month, series fans everywhere can celebrate a fittingly badass end to one of gaming’s great stealth antiheroes. But one nagging mystery—the story behind the protagonist’s iconic tattoos—remained unsolved. That is until today, when iO Interactive confirmed a long-rumored…Read more...

We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle.Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Lamenting the quick turnaround from the 2020 NBA “Bubble” to the start of a new season, the nation’s basketball fans admitted Thursday they could have used a longer break from TNT broadcaster Chris Webber. “Sure I’m worried about injures because of the compressed schedule, but more than that we really…Read more...

Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview that President Biden’s plan to have 100 million Americans vaccinated in his first 100 days in office is “absolutely a doable thing” as two more pharmaceutical companies submit vaccines for FDA approval. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to questions about his plans for the agency at his Senate confirmation hearing, Secretary of Transportation nominee Pete Buttigieg vowed Thursday to bring together small-town and big-city streets into one beautiful American intersection. “The Biden administration in which I would serve wants to…Read more...

MENDOZA, ARGENTINA—Announcing that they had made an astounding once-in-a-lifetime discovery, a team of archaeologists from Rutgers University Thursday reportedly uncovered a separate team of archaeologists digging toward them from the other side of the globe. “While our initial assumption was that we had stumbled on…Read more...

We at OGN believe it’s impossible to overstate the importance of knowing your rights as a gamer. Especially in this day and age as more fanboys and girls than ever are seeing their civil liberties infringed upon for peaceful acts like trying to level up their Charmeleon or grab a few extra Power Moons. That’s why we…Read more...

Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first place.

Rescuers are working to save 22 people trapped 2,000 feet underground inside a gold mine that collapsed nine days ago in China’s eastern Shandong Province. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Paying $10,000 a ticket to participate in the festivities, wealthy Biden supporters waltzed with cardboard cutouts of the president and Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday during the socially distanced inaugural ball. “It’s great to still be able to celebrate this historic day despite Covid…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Emphasizing there was no way they were wrong about this, the nation told reporters Wednesday they could have sworn there had already been a first female vice president. “Everyone’s calling Kamala Harris the first woman to be elected vice president, but surely there was at least one before that, right?”…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Smiling to himself about the historical parallels it invited, local white man Cam Hopkins told reporters Wednesday that he found it fitting that the day of Biden’s historic inauguration was also Martin Luther King Jr. Day. “It’s probably just a coincidence, but they really couldn’t have picked a day with…Read more...

The New York Mets have fired General Manager Jared Porter for sending dozens of texts and explicit photos to a woman reporter in 2016. What do you think?Read more...

As Donald Trump’s divisive presidency draws to a close, questions have arisen as to the future plans of his administration, and whether they will face difficulties securing positions outside the White House. The Onion provides analysis of what the Trump administration members will do next.

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WASHINGTON—Excited to see that the president had changed his mind about attending the historic event, inauguration guest Ted Mackie was reportedly pleased to see Trump crouching with a rifle on a nearby roof. “I know he was angry about the loss, but at the end of the day, he loves this country, and he wanted to make…Read more...

For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed businesswoman-slash-model-slash-singer-slash-actress.Read more...

The FBI is screening all 25,000 National Guard troops involved in securing the Capitol during Joe Biden’s Wednesday inauguration due to concerns of an insider attack. What do you think?Read more...

MILFORD, UT—Peering into the middle distance with evident longing for something better, something more, researchers from Columbia University confirmed Tuesday that wild horses don’t have to worry about this, but only run free on the plains with the wind their manes. “What we’ve found is that all these worries, these…Read more...

NEW YORK—Apologizing for misleading readers after new evidence came to light, the New York Times announced Tuesday that it was retracting the entire podcast The Daily amid revelations that the newspaper had completely fabricated Michael Barbaro. “Our readers deserve transparency and accountability, which is why we’re…Read more...

President Trump is expected to issue up to 100 pardons and commutations before he leaves office Wednesday, though his advisors are urging him not to pardon himself, his family or his supporters from the January 6th Capitol riot. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying the violent extremist had showed the grit and determination to earn his place on the coveted list, FBI director Christopher Wray told reporters Tuesday about plans to add white supremacist Peter Nowak to the agency’s Terrorists To Watch List. “Elevating Nowak to the top of this list is our way of…Read more...

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How glad I am that that absolute heckscape known as 2020 is finally over! Whew! I don’t care if the year made the greatest novelty New Year’s eyeglasses of my lifetime! 2020? More like two-oh-two-NO! (No offense intended to anyone who had a great 2020.)Read more...

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It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to your home.Read more...

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Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight off mice with a toothpick.Read more...

NEW YORK—Happy to move on to the next phase of her career, Nicole Marinos, a spatter analyst with the New York Police Department, told reporters Monday that she has finally started working with blood after years of paying her dues working with urine. “It’s nice to finally move onto more important forensics work after…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing uncertainty about how to handle the awkward situation, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly blindsided Monday after His illegitimate son Xyzyys from the Andromeda Galaxy tracked Him down. “Dammit, he clearly used his own money to travel here and he doesn’t have any way to get home, so I guess I…Read more...

Ed Butowsky and Matt Couch, two conspiracy theorists who pushed false claims about the death of DNC staffer Seth Rich, have retracted their statements and publicly apologized after settling a lawsuit brought by the victim’s brother. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Finally announcing the joint venture after months of speculation from fans, Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan reunited with series star Bryan Cranston Monday to produce a new breakfast bar. “Let’s see if we can capture lightning in a bottle for a second time with our frosted-oat brand,” said Gilligan,…Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Speculating as to how the listless franchise has still managed to stay open all these years, sources close to the MLB confirmed Friday that the league has begun to suspect the Pittsburgh Pirates are just a mob front. “It must be some kind of money-laundering operation, because they’re clearly doing the bare…Read more...

Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new…Read more...

ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages…Read more...

Wikipedia was launched Jan. 15, 2001, and the collaborative open encyclopedia has remained a top go-to website for information. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in Wikipedia’s history on the site’s 20th anniversary.

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Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.Read more...

Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder and members of his administration have been indicted on criminal charges for their role in the 2014 Flint water crisis that exposed residents in the predominantly Black city to lead, killing 12 and sickening dozens. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As he rummaged through a closet to take stock of his extra sheets and towels, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) confirmed Thursday he had been forced to open his home to hundreds of white nationalists after Airbnb canceled all D.C. metro reservations for the week of the inauguration. “Sometimes when I’m hanging out…Read more...

In response to federal officials urging Americans not to travel to the Capitol following last Wednesday’s deadly riot, Airbnb announced they will cancel and block all reservations in Washington, D.C., during the week of President-Elect Biden’s inauguration. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking an expansive view of future prospects for the business, forward-thinking CEO Rick Benson was reportedly hoping Thursday that his company would be able to capture a new audience by making their signature product worse in every conceivable way. “Let’s face it, this industry moves fast and we have to be…Read more...