The Onion

PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game, thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family. “I’m glad baseball is back, but screaming at my daughter to…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In a survey of how the nation’s local officials have responded to the pandemic in the absence of a consistent federal approach, Stanford University researchers confirmed Monday that more cities have begun offering drive-thru Covid-19 injection sites to put citizens out of their misery. “By injecting…Read more...

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The Christian non-profit Bread for the World announced that they have asked Florida Rep. Ted Yoho to resign from their board after he called Rep. Ocasio-Cortez a “fucking bitch,” saying “his behavior in the past few days does not reflect the values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills, defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s quite frankly…Read more...

We’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales, we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer. But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church.…Read more...

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration over his cavalier attitude toward the pandemic, community sources confirmed Monday that local man Larry Baker wasn’t even doing his part to develop a coronavirus vaccine. “Doesn’t this guy know that if we pooled our resources together, we could create a vaccine in a matter of days,” said…Read more...

DALLAS—Catering to fans of the iconic global conflict that ran from 2003 to 2011, the major figures from the George W. Bush administration reunited on Zoom Monday for a table read of the National Intelligence Assessment used to justify the invasion of Iraq. “The country’s going through some difficult times right now,…Read more...

ARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a drag that they can’t find him, but from what I can see he’s got a…Read more...

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OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Expressing glee that he could hold on to the souvenir for himself without fans in attendance, Blue Jays third baseman Vladimir Guerrero Jr. told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe he got to keep a foul ball. “A free ball—can’t beat that!” said Guerrero, who tossed it up the air to himself in amazement…Read more...

WASHINGTON—With its vote to adopt a resolution denouncing the freshman’s congresswoman behavior, the House of Representatives formally censured Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Friday for employing the sexist slur “fucking bitch” in a speech on the House floor the day prior. “The representative from New York’s 14th District…Read more...

Anyone who played the original Halo:Combat Evolved way back in 2001 knows few shooters have reached the giddy heights of awe-inspiring combat and massive battles—that is, until they got a peek at the in-game trailer for 343 Industries’ first release in the franchise exclusively made for the next generation. Ready to…Read more...

Taylor Swift released her eighth album, Folklore, in a surprise midnight release on Thursday, announcing on social media that she wrote the songs during lockdown and in collaboration with Bon Iver, The National, and Jack Antonoff. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the dangerous precedent it set to allow users to continue tweeting without the slightest ounce of nuance or subtlety, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced Friday that they banned 7,000 hate accounts that were a little too on the nose. “As per Twitter’s guidelines, there is a zero-tolerance policy for…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “fun, hydraulic-powered way” to support curves of all shapes and sizes, Victoria’s Secret introduced Friday a new sexy push-up jack for maximum lift. “Made from a combination of polyester lace, breathable microfiber, and titanium steel, the Victoria’s Secret sexy push-up jack is guaranteed to…Read more...

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RISHIKESH, INDIA—Arriving early Friday at a remote Himalayan temple after weeks of strenuous travel, American yoga student Jennifer Miller dressed in the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of pilgrims, unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat, and began his training under the legendary yoga ball known…Read more...

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CHICAGO, IL—Admitting that they had made no significant progress in understanding where they stood in the present climate, Country Time CEO Howard Worth told reporters Thursday that he was unsure if his company was supposed to be racist or not. “Certainly, it seems like the name Country Time is idealizing some long…Read more...

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The Trump administration ordered China to close its Houston, TX consulate as COVID-19, trade battles, and other issues exacerbate tensions between the two nations. The Onion looks at potential solutions for easing tensions between the U.S. and China.

The 51st San Diego Comic-Con will be held 100% online this week due to the coronavirus pandemic, with celebrity panels, new games, and a virtual exhibition hall free to all attendees. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—With medical workers overwhelmed and hospitals short on supplies, intensive care units across the nation reportedly reached a breaking point Thursday as the United States surpassed 4 million coronavirus hoaxes. “We are continuing to see an exponential surge in patients who arrive in our ER and fake…Read more...

Larry Householder, speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives, was arrested Tuesday in connection to a $60 million bribery and racketeering investigation tied to nuclear plant bailouts in the state. What do you think?Read more...

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Taking a sip of her jumbo frozen margarita and asking everyone if they remembered the Dripping Springs Reunion tour, local Aunt Dottie Preston, who is really mom’s friend, announced Thursday that she saw the inside of Willie Nelson’s bus once. “Oh, let me tell you, the year was 1972, but back then, your…Read more...

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Completely blowing its cover while trying to gather reconnaissance on the terrorist organization’s activities, a clumsy General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper reportedly fled a Taliban base Thursday after accidentally knocking over a potted plant. Eyewitness accounts confirmed that when the ceramic pot…Read more...

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WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive. “The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog, and I did—it’s on you if you’re…Read more...

MOUNT OLIVE, NJ—Weaving a florid tale of the event’s success despite the self-isolation brought about by the coronavirus pandemic, a local Instagram post reportedly began, “It wasn’t the first birthday we imagined, but we spent the day surrounded by love,” the first thread in an elegant tapestry of fabricated…Read more...

ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams. “What we’re seeing is that…Read more...

In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.Read more...

The lemonade brand Country Time is offering $100 checks to children who are unable to run lemonade stands this summer as part of their “Littlest Bailout” program, which seeks to offset lost revenue caused by social distancing and coronavirus safety guidelines. What do you think?Read more...

Research from the University of Washington shows that widespread use of masks could cut the projected daily coronavirus case count by 63% and daily death toll by 67%, but it would require at least 95% of Americans wear masks when in public. What do you think?Read more...

ELMHURST, IL—Admitting that more than anything he missed getting up in disgust in the middle of a game to go mow the lawn, local baseball fan Mike Gengaro told reporters Wednesday that he was excited for the return of switching to a movie two hours into a 5-1 game that’s still only in the 4th inning. “It’s been a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Unfolding an yellowing, wrinkled paper containing the names of every known card’s location, NBA star LeBron James set out on a quest Wednesday to hunt down the owners of rare rookie cards that contain fragments of his soul. “I can never be fully whole, my legacy will never be secure until I have all 23…Read more...

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For years, Luigi’s kindhearted nature and well-meaning oafishness have endeared him to millions of fans who were willing to look past his lengthy history of incompetence. But it seems like the iconic Nintendo character might have just passed the point of no return: The big guy in green apparently left his space heater…Read more...

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Touting their new product as “the last word in alleviating hunger,” Del Monte Foods introduced a new extended-release, maximum-strength chewable peach Wednesday which they claim possesses up to four times the power of normal stone fruit. “Del Monte’s new formula combines the same fast-acting flavor of…Read more...

ANCHORAGE, AK—Calling it a “scientific miracle” that could keep the species alive for generations to come, an encouraging report from the USGS Alaska Science Center found Wednesday that polar bears are evolving aerospace engineering skills necessary to escape an overheating planet. “According to our research, these…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Laboring over the final major creative decision prior to launch, executives at a new streaming service were reportedly struggling Wednesday to come up with a name that was so stupid that it would completely infuriate the public. “Obviously places like Quibi and Peacock have set an extremely high bar of…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Urging everyone to lighten up and “save the pearl-clutching” for real problems, local catcaller Will Snyder confirmed Friday that he was not sure what the big deal was because he’d love it if a woman referred to him as a fat, stuck-up bitch. “No one ever calls me a dumb filthy whore when I’m headed home after…Read more...

The Steel City plays host to one Browns game every year at scenic Three Rivers Stadium. Plus, it’s only a short two-hour drive to the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. What more could you want?Read more...

Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear.Read more...

The iconic Tower of London guards, known colloquially as Beefeaters, may face layoffs for the first time in their 545-year history as pandemic closures have created a $123 million shortfall for the charity that runs the historical site. What do you think?Read more...