The Onion

PITTSBURGH, PA—Urging suffering individuals to take concrete action to address their lingering pain, grief psychologists from Carnegie Mellon University released a study Tuesday finding that the best way to cope with a death in the family is dropping 50 points in an NBA game. “According to our data, the first stage of…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation’s airports and trains stations. “We understand the temptation to travel…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the update was long overdue, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday it had added new steps to the Heimlich maneuver poster so it would include the part where choking victims finished eating the food they had coughed up. “We’re now formally advising…Read more...

NEW YORK—Withholding any details that would betray the religious nature of the excursion abroad, local woman Catherine Angelos carefully redacted a travel story Tuesday to avoid revealing to friends that her purported vacation was actually a church mission trip. “Oh, yeah, I had an awesome time in Guatemala,” said the…Read more...

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Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.Read more...

Leading infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told USA TODAY that Santa Claus has an innate immunity to Covid-19 and cannot spread infection to others. What do you think?Read more...

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said on Sunday that Trump should concede the election as his lawyers have failed to provide any evidence of fraud and that their conduct “has been a national embarrassment.” What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Urging the nation to keep the event’s actual history in mind, researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools. “Traditionally, we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the…Read more...

SEATTLE—Sprinting through the office door and leaping onto his stunned father’s lap, 27-year-old Dennis Radomir loudly announced “Daddy, I’m hungry” Monday as he burst into the background of a work-related video conference. “Daddy, Daddy, my tummy is grumbling, please can I have my yum yums now,” whined the fully grown…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the cabinet choice a “perfect symbol of unity,” President-elect Joe Biden announced at a press conference Monday that his administration’s Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee would be a ring of diverse children holding hands. “Starting January 20, the Department of Health and Human…Read more...

HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at…Read more...

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as…Read more...

Whoa-ho-ho, gamers, looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along! After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont, it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed, meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox…Read more...

First, plug it into your USB port and download the necessary drivers.Read more...

Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.Read more...

The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis’s Instagram account, which is managed by a team of people, liked a photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto. What do you think?Read more...

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a…Read more...

Buzzfeed announced plans Thursday to buy news and commentary website HuffPost from Verizon Media, which will become a minority shareholder of the company. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon…Read more...

From Tom Brady’s ageless pursuit of NFL dominance to the crisp, thrilling perfection of the showtime Lakers, professional sports can be a showcase for amazing talent, dedication, and human achievement. Or it can be a showcase for the New York Jets. Here is Onion Sports’ list of the worst professional sports teams of…Read more...

DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections, a report released Friday found that you were lonely before the pandemic started, and you’ll be lonely after it ends. “An overwhelming amount of evidence indicates that while being surrounded by others wasn’t enough to…Read more...

WENHAM, MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation, Zach Kartman, a local man on a video date, was reportedly unsure Friday if he was supposed to be the one to pay the internet bill. “I don’t really know what the expectation is here,” said a slightly flustered Kartman, telling reporters…Read more...

THE COLD LANDS—Saying he didn’t know what it was about his cloak and white steed that drew them to him, local traveler Cosmus of Bonvia confirmed Friday that he was sick of people asking him for tidings from the north. “What, a man can’t journey through Forgotten Pass anymore without being stopped at every juncture by…Read more...

Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.

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Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chili, you best not miss.Read more...

Despite the pandemic, a survey by The Ohio State University finds that 40% of Americans intend to celebrate Thanksgiving with groups of 10 or more people and that a third of respondents will not ask guests to wear masks. What do you think?Read more...

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Actor Michael B. Jordan has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2020, a title the Black Panther star called “a good club to be a part of.” What do you think?Read more...

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Taking place amid the uncertainty of Covid-shortened seasons and a flurry of high-profile trades, the 2020 NBA draft will have huge implications for which GMs get fired in two years. Here are Onion Sports’ winners and losers of last night’s draft.Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Following reports that he patronized the three-Michelin-star restaurant with a group of at least a dozen people, Gov. Gavin Newsom of California was widely criticized Thursday for eating at The French Laundry when Atelier Crenn offers a clearly superior take on contemporary cuisine. “It’s absolutely…Read more...

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California’s current Covid-19 restrictions, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law Thursday reclassifying outdoor dining as any restaurant that is located outside. “As of today, any dining establishment whose four exterior walls are exposed to open air and whose…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check, actor and recording artist Omarion reportedly figured Thursday that his level of fame had diminished to the point where it was no longer necessary to leave a huge tip everywhere he went out. “These days, I think it’s fine for me to tip a…Read more...

BROOKLYN—Frantically scanning the list to find their names, the 2020 NBA draft prospects desperately crowded around a bulletin board Thursday morning to see who got drafted where. “Aww man, I got the Cavs? I wanted the Warriors so bad. My life is over,” said Auburn forward Isaac Okoro, who slinked away as James…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual’s character, the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile’s positive qualities, too. “It’s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex…Read more...

Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.Read more...

New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that Mardi Gras parades will be prohibited next year due to the coronavirus pandemic, but added that city officials are asking the public to submit ideas for ways to celebrate the holiday safely. What do you think?Read more...

BLUE MOUNTAIN, MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development, the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78% of draft prospects were discovered after a scout’s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop. “According to our data, the vast majority of prospects…Read more...

It was revealed this week that a $1 million donation Dolly Parton made in April to research a cure for Covid-19 helped fund Moderna’s coronavirus vaccine, which preliminary data shows may be up to 94.5% effective. What do you think?Read more...

FOX RIVER GROVE, IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees, local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood. “Please, you don’t have to do this, please—think of the homeowner’s association!” said Olson, weeping into her hands as…Read more...

NASHUA, NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again. “After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight…Read more...

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