The Onion

WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates, the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute any pay-for-pardon offers trying to lowball President Trump. “When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in exchange for a presidential pardon, Americans can rest…Read more...

EVANSTON, IL—As she watched yet another person walk past her home without taking in the festive decor, local woman Kathy Legrand stated Wednesday that not one of those ungrateful pricks had so much as glanced at the Christmas tree she placed in her front window to bring them holiday cheer. “I went to a lot of effort…Read more...

CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture, local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets. “I know it may not seem like much, but when I ask someone if they can help me out, it always…Read more...

SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance, Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon. “Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you’ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it,” said…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress, Stanford University’s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64. “Remarkably, we’ve found that the 1982 release of this…Read more...

Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.Read more...

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Former astronaut Mark Kelly—who completed four missions to space before retiring from NASA in 2011 following an assassination attempt on his wife Congresswoman Gabby Giffords—will be sworn in as a U.S. senator for Arizona on Wednesday. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble, President Donald Trump’s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville, ID. “We’ve discovered an entire trove of evidence that this ballot belonging to Boise…Read more...

A boater was discovered Sunday clinging to his capsized vessel 86 miles off the coast of Florida, a day after he was reported missing to the Coast Guard. What do you think?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever, local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson, 30, and Brittany Gill, 28, successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the endangered Jaguars fan base. “This population has dwindled down to…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers Tuesday not to enter an active crime scene cover-up. “We can’t have civilians in here mucking up all our hard work by serving as potential witnesses,” said patrolman Allen Banker, directing pedestrians to…Read more...

From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year.Read more...

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Ken Jennings, who holds the record for the longest winning streak in Jeopardy! history, will serve as the first of several interim hosts until the show can find a permanent replacement for the late Alex Trebek. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Rationalizing that the league was effectively above criticism at this point, a spokesperson for the National Basketball Association confirmed Tuesday that they had probably garnered enough praise from last summer’s “NBA Bubble” to let all the players contract coronavirus during the upcoming season. “We’re…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to widespread negative reviews of his recently released film, Hillbilly Elegy, defensive director Ron Howard told his critics Monday, “You try making a good movie about fucking hillbillies.” “I’d invite anyone who didn’t like my film to try creating something with actual emotional depth about…Read more...

DULUTH, MN—Unsure about the historical accuracy of the popular Netflix show, local man Ryan Galanis was reportedly wondering Monday if a scene from The Crown in which Queen Elizabeth II drinks tea is based on an event that actually took place. “I realize they need to take some liberties with the facts for the sake of…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Calling upon the world’s 1.2 billion Roman Catholics to act with forgiveness towards the Aaron Sorkin series, Pope Francis held a press conference Monday urging the world to give HBO drama The Newsroom another chance. “I’m advising Christians around the world to come together and open our hearts to this…Read more...

Preteen Caleb Anderson, described as a genius who could do fractions and read as a toddler, has been admitted to Georgia Tech as a sophomore where he will study aerospace engineering. What do you think?Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that their patient’s health remained their primary concern, a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden’s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton. “After a slight accident from playing with [presidential rescue dog] Major, we were troubled…Read more...

Listen up, gamers, because we’ve got a killer deal that you’re not going to want to miss: This kid who lives over on the busy stretch of Allen Avenue has all the coolest games and you can play them at his house if you can just get over how weird he is!

Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex.

CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them. “Our newly reformulated Color Shine…Read more...

In the 15 years since the term was coined, Cyber Monday has become a staple of the online shopping season. The Onion takes a look at the most eye-popping numbers associated with this hallowed spending tradition.

SPARKS, MD—Growing increasingly irked by the inconsiderate behavior, employees at local advertising firm Valley Media were reportedly annoyed Friday that their coworker, Josh Goldberg, kept sending annoying after-hours emails about how he’s trapped in the office elevator. “It’s hard to enjoy my downtime when my phone…Read more...

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed…Read more...

DETROIT—Offering the U.S. citizen a brief opportunity to vicariously experience a different nationality, the Canadian price printed on the back cover of a book gave local man Peter Brown a little window into what life might be like if he were Canadian, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wait a second, so in a world where…Read more...

FONTANA, CA—In a momentous twist sources confirmed could only mean one thing, the introduction of Giancarlo Esposito into the television show Jared Brenot was viewing Friday indicated that the main character was now totally fucked. “Oh shit—I don’t know what exactly is going to happen, but this motherfucker’s going to…Read more...

PIERRE, SD—In an effort to attract visitors to a state that is home to some of the worst Covid-19 infection rates in the world, South Dakota officials launched a new tourism initiative Friday that will be centered around the slogan “Come Die Here.” “For years, people have flocked here to see Mount Rushmore, but now…Read more...

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SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski,…Read more...

CARROLLTON, TX—Declaring “Ooh, yes” and “Let’s see,” the nation’s relatives reportedly called for a little Zoom tour of your apartment Thursday. “What fun, we’ve never gotten to see it before—show us, show us!” said 61-year-old aunt Judy Freymond, who joined the chorus of millions of uncles, cousins and grandparents…Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Stressing that the present atmosphere only raised further questions about the greeting method, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they felt even more unsure than usual about whether to hug their cousins this Thanksgiving. “To be fair, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do even in regular…Read more...

Americans across the country are celebrating Thanksgiving today, though millions will not gather in person this year due to the pandemic. How are you celebrating Thanksgiving?Read more...

ATHENS, GA—Beaming as the youngsters rushed down the stairs and threw open the oven doors, parents Jack and Christina Packton allowed their excited children Wednesday to tear open one turkey for Thanksgiving Eve. “We know it’s a day early, but there’s nothing more magical than sitting around with friends and family on…Read more...

The Bureau of Land Management is investigating after a helicopter crew in Utah stumbled upon a shiny metallic monolith standing roughly 10 feet tall in a remote area of the state, which they believe may be an illegal art installation. What do you think?Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Ending two weeks of a transition blockade, President-elect Joe Biden confirmed Wednesday that he had received his first box of wadded-up napkins and greasy receipts comprising President Trump’s intelligence briefing. “We appreciate the Trump administration cooperating in a peaceful transition of power,…Read more...

VALLEY FORGE, PA—Wondering aloud whether some of the products appearing on his television were even real, local Caucasian man Landon McGill was reportedly ushered into an alternate world Wednesday when a brief viewing of BET exposed him to advertisements intended for African Americans. “Whoa, what’s happening—it’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling it a blatantly corrupt abuse of the recruitment system, critics slammed Alabama’s senator-elect Tommy Tuberville Wednesday for using free cars and Auburn cheerleaders to lure a five-star intern onto his staff. “Tuberville clearly spoiled this guy with steakhouse dinners and signed footballs to…Read more...

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Boy, have we got some good news for you, gamers. Oh yes, we do. What is it, you may be wondering? Well, get ready, because it’s going to knock your socks off: After pulling some strings, we are pleased to announce that the common loon Gavia immer is now officially the gaming bird!Read more...

Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.Read more...