The Onion

SAXONBURG, OH—Saying his naïve views failed to account for the unique difficulties of law enforcement, sources confirmed Friday that Charles Laurent, a man who criticized police tactics, did not have any idea what it was like to wake up every day and do a job that put lives in danger. “Unless you’re actually out there…Read more...

VICTORIA, KS—Expressing concerns about her role in negatively impacting the planet, a local cow on her way to be slaughtered Friday was reportedly fretting about her personal contributions to climate change. “When I consider all the ozone-depleting methane I carelessly emitted over the course of my lifetime, it makes…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Holding a press conference with their hairless scalps proudly exposed, the nation’s bald citizens Friday demanded that people stop using their heads as bongos. “For too long, America’s bald men have stood silently as friends, family, and random children slapped their palms against their head to play a…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Kicking off the company’s much-anticipated spring product launch, Apple CEO Tim Cook used a widely viewed virtual event this week to unveil the brand-new air fryer he got for Christmas. “Today we stand at the dawn of a new era in convenient home cooking,” Cook said during a live stream in which he…Read more...

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Whole Foods is testing a new payment system called Amazon One that enables store registers to scan the customer’s palm print, linking it to their debit or credit card as an additional contactless payment option. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging national leaders to “tread carefully,” top experts from the Council on Foreign Relations warned Thursday that acknowledging the Armenian genocide could risk drawing the U.S. into WWI. “The mass killings of the Armenian people was a tragedy, but we fear acknowledging the ethnic cleansing of one…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States could not stand idly by while such a grave injustice occurred on the world stage, President Joe Biden announced plans Thursday to send troops to liberate Afghanistan from the U.S. “For far too long, the people of Afghanistan have been at the mercy of a foreign invader, and…Read more...

Steven Soderbergh, director of the Ocean’s 11 franchise and Erin Brockovich, will be co-producing this Sunday’s 93rd Academy Awards ceremony, employing several cinematic techniques to update the show and make it “feel like a film.” What do you think?Read more...

Yikes, well, we’ve got some pretty terrifying news. Shigeru Miyamoto has just confirmed that every Nintendo Switch on Earth is wired with explosives to detonate if his heart stops for any reason.Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Boasting a functioning door and a cardboard box with free bandages, sources at the University of Kansas confirmed Thursday that the training gym and locker room for its NCAA female athletes were three loose garbage bags next to a couple old lawn chairs. “This facility is one of the best in college women’s…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to attract new residents to the city, Milwaukee rolled out a new campaign Thursday promoting itself as a hip, affordable place to live with all the police brutality of Chicago. “As one of the top up-and-coming midsize cities in America with great restaurants, an amazing entertainment district,…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the breeding patterns of the species, an oceanography study published Thursday by Harvard scientists revealed that salmon complete their annual transatlantic voyage using the same teleportation chamber as their ancestors. “This discovery helps solve the mystery of how these fish are…Read more...

CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure all discarded plastic, metal, and glass is properly processed, the City of Chicago introduced a new recycling program Thursday that requires residents to sort, sanitize, melt, re-form, label, and fill bottles before placing them in a bin. “Starting today, all recyclable materials must be…Read more...

A 25-year-long study found that people who sleep less than an average of six hours a night in middle age are 30% more likely to develop dementia when they are older. What do you think?Read more...

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TUSCALOOSA, AL—Saying that they wanted to make an example out of the 2020 College Football Playoffs winner, the NCAA fined Alabama football players Thursday for receiving championship rings as gifts. “This is a flagrant violation of NCAA policy and we have no choice but to penalize these careless student athletes,”…Read more...

CODY, WY—Referring to the rapper and designer’s latest effort as derivative and lacking the spark present at the start of his career, critics slammed Kanye West for his divorce response Wednesday for blatantly sampling Kim Kardashian’s divorce petition. “Sure, he chopped up the part about spousal support, but you can…Read more...

A new “anti-riot” bill in Florida has been signed into law, enhancing penalties during a protest that authorities can classify as a “riot” in broad terms and offering civil immunity to drivers who hit protesters. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suggesting a disturbing pattern of behavior stretching back decades, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that convicted murderer Derek Chauvin closely matches the profile of a mysterious blue-uniformed killer behind hundreds more unsolved slayings nationwide. “The suspect’s M.O. is…Read more...

NEW YORK—As increasingly panicked authorities worried that even the Oscars wouldn’t slow down the delirious phenomenon rapidly sweeping the country, several reports confirmed Wednesday that the nation was unable to quell its insatiable appetite for all things Mank. “Frankly, we’re in the midst of a Mank mania right…Read more...

WEST YELLOWSTONE, MT—Squinting to make out the small text on the sign before him, local father Brian Chamberlin was reportedly explaining the geologic concept of geysers to his family Wednesday as if he was not reading straight from the National Park’s wayside exhibit. “Geysers, like the one you have here, are an…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the lack of cooperation that has left U.S. species struggling with massive inefficiencies, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Wednesday it hoped to streamline ecosystem performance by hosting the nation’s organisms at a series of team-building meet-and-greet lunches. “Right now, there…Read more...

President Biden recently received criticism for announcing that he would not raise the cap on the number of refugees admitted to the U.S. as part of the nation’s resettlement program, shining a spotlight on a institution many Americans don’t know much about. The Onion answers common questions about the U.S. refugee…Read more...

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has begun undoing a Trump-era ban on clinics referring women for abortions, a policy that has resulted in 1.5 million fewer women receiving care and contributed to an estimated 180,000 unintended pregnancies. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN—Boasting that the system used 75% less power than normal cars and could be installed on almost any street corner with 400 square feet of free space, Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled a new urban slingshot system Wednesday that he claimed was capable of of moving up to six pedestrians across the street per hour.…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn’t representative of the system at large. “Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the…Read more...

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NASA’s solar-powered Ingenuity Mars Helicopter became the first aircraft in history to make a powered, controlled flight on another planet, logging a 39-second flight reaching 10 feet above the Martian surface. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Flashing their sirens and directing the swerving, damaged Model 3 to pull over on the side of the road, police asked a white, 2019 Tesla to drive in a straight line and recite the alphabet backwards Tuesday after the vehicle crashed into a tree. “Well, well, well, it’s the middle of the day, and we’ve got a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Effusively boasting over the connection long-time New Yorkers feel to this up-and-coming team, media and fans praised the Knicks Tuesday for embodying the city’s true spirit of overhyped media creations. “It feels great to see a Knicks team that can speak to New York by turning the smallest run of success…Read more...

PLAINS, GA— Struggling to process the sudden and unexpected loss, former President Jimmy Carter was reportedly feeling shaken Tuesday to see his friend Walter Mondale die so young. “I can’t believe Walter’s gone—and cut down in his prime, at that,” said the 39th president of the United States, who pledged to no longer…Read more...

Whether they are rappers, country singers, or EDM DJs, the best musicians create a profound connection to their listeners through beat, lyric, and rhythm. We asked several Grammy-winning artists to describe their writing process, and this is what they said.Read more...

NEW YORK—Requesting the public come forward with any information they might have regarding the absolute bombshell, New York City homicide detectives announced Tuesday they were searching for a real knockout after discovering a long blond strand of hair at a murder scene. “We’ve asked all units to be on the lookout for…Read more...

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The results from a small clinical trial have revealed that two doses of psilocybin mushrooms appear to be as effective as the common antidepressant escitalopram in treating moderate to severe major depressive disorder when paired with psychotherapy. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Looking as though he was on the verge of passing out from anxiety, local man Michael Cookson was reportedly waiting for his curbside sushi order Tuesday and pacing the sidewalk like an expectant father outside a delivery room. According to sources, a restless Cookson was seen striding back and forth across a…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Smiling while recalling the “fantastic little outing,” local woman Olivia Curtis told reporters that she enjoyed hiking with her neighbors through a densely forested ravine Tuesday despite failing to locate the missing child they were searching for. “It was so nice just to get out into nature, get some…Read more...

Two hundred seventy-seven Fyre Festival attendees won a $2 million settlement against organizers of the notorious 2017 “luxury” music experience that was canceled after the poorly planned $1-thousand-to-$12-thousand-per-ticket event resembled what some called “a disaster relief camp.” What do you think?Read more...

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You may feel like you’re a professional chef when you’re in the kitchen, but could you really cook like one? We spoke to several successful culinary moguls and asked them to describe their favorite cooking hacks.Read more...

ORLANDO—Explaining that being quiet didn’t indicate a lack of pleasure, Anna Wright assured her boyfriend Ted Ronson Monday that just because she wasn’t screaming, it didn’t mean she wasn’t enjoying the roller coaster they were on. “I don’t need to be writhing around and freaking out for me to be having a good time,”…Read more...

VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA—As the heat and noise from the massive beast prowling nearby grew closer, a rainforest tree was reportedly remaining very still Monday in hopes that the bulldozer would lose interest and drive away. Sources reported that the jackwood tree remained completely immobile to ensure that it did not so…Read more...