The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization, the Los Angeles Rams and quarterback Jared Goff announced Thursday that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction. “We believe this is a win-win for both sides, and are thrilled to get out ahead of future…Read more...

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As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.Read more...

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Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.Read more...

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The three-story, four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $5.35 million, $640,000 under the original asking price of $5.99 million. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show, a horrified Tucker Carlson stated, ‘I…I am the mainstream media’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air. “We’ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud, and the president has every right to call for an…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the…Read more...

The Centers for Disease Control has updated its holiday guidelines ahead of Thanksgiving, urging Americans to stay home and avoid indoor get-togethers as small household gatherings are a major contributor to the worsening coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings, local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals. “I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law…Read more...

NEW YORK—Following this week’s news that the immunization may be 90% effective in preventing Covid-19, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced in an advertisement Wednesday that the first batch of its highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine would arrive in a collector’s edition limited to 2,000 doses. “Pfizer is proud to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing what a huge risk it was to the nation’s already-damaged emotional health, officials warned Wednesday that holiday travel could cause a spike in millions of Americans falling for their old hometown flame. “To anyone thinking of flying or driving home this Thanksgiving, please, consider how easy…Read more...

The peaceful transition of power is historically a hallmark of the American presidency, but the process hasn’t always gone smoothly. The Onion looks back at a history of presidential transitions.

SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate, Jeff Bezos reportedly disguised himself as a medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees. Several reports confirmed the Amazon CEO, worth $188.9 billion, was nestled…Read more...

WAKAYAMA, JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple, sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now. “Come on,…Read more...

On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.Read more...

The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard a nuclear submarine that was docked at a military port, though footage from the incident drew outrage on social media. What do you think?Read more...

McDonald’s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year, with the possibility of adding plant-based chicken and breakfast sandwiches as well. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump’s refusal to accept election results, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team of specially trained hogs Tuesday for rooting out voter fraud. “These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better than the average poll observer, making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation…Read more...

PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump’s own refusal to accept the results, a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70% of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn’t happened yet. “It just doesn’t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner, but how can a…Read more...

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Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.Read more...

A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child, a daughter named Maggie Jayne. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident, the ascended soul of late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel’s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear, sources from on high confirmed Monday. “My friend and I went to Yosemite once, and this big black…Read more...

President-elect Joe Biden on Monday announced plans for a 12-person Covid-19 task force which will be charged with preparing a plan to fight the pandemic when he takes office in January. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity, Americans across the country told reporters Monday that they were feeling hopeful for a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up. “I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit…Read more...

Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?Read more...

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election, the Aryan Brotherhood reported a record surge in donations this week. “Over the past few days, we have seen a record increase in donors who want to help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and…Read more...

Carl Lentz, known for his friendships with celebrity worshippers and for being a spiritual advisor to Justin Bieber, has been fired from New York City megachurch Hillsong due to “moral failures” including infidelity. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 presidential election, a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father Friday if they were poor now. “Daddy, I’m scared. Are we all out of money now that you’re not president no more?” asked Eric, 36, wiping away tears and snot from his face as he struggled to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action, the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic. “Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the election but unfortunately at this point he has failed to deliver on his…Read more...

NEW YORK—Blasting the former vice president for spreading misinformation at this perilous time for democracy, media figures across the political spectrum condemned Joe Biden Friday for his baseless claim that the nation will come together once the election was over. “Shame on Vice President Biden for perpetuating…Read more...

Kosovo President Hashim Thaci resigned from office Thursday to fly to The Hague following his indictment for war crimes and crimes against humanity during the Kosovo War. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.Read more...

A severe thunderstorm in the Libyan capital of Tripoli dropped hail measuring 7 inches in diameter last week, which experts say are some of the largest hailstones ever photographed. What do you think?Read more...

Voters in Utah have passed an amendment to remove a provision from the state constitution that allows slavery or involuntary servitude if it is as punishment for a crime. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy, campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging state election officials were totally disregarding his feelings. “A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes me sad and scared, and it’s just not right,”…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if…Read more...