The Onion

CHICAGO—Reflecting on the once-bustling neighborhood that had been significantly reduced over the years, local residents confirmed Thursday that all that now remained of the city’s Little Italy was a single meatball. “Back when I was growing up, the area stretched for a few blocks at least, and there were dozens of…Read more...

Like clockwork every year dozens of deserving NBA stars get snubbed while useless, washed-up stars like Kevin Durant and LeBron James coast in on reputation alone. Here are Onion Sports’ biggest snubs from the 2021 NBA All-Star Game.

DES MOINES, IA—Pining after a woman it acknowledged it might never have, a frustrated coronavirus particle told reporters Thursday it was not sure how much more it could change about itself to get with local grandmother Beverly Milfay, who received her second dose of a Covid vaccine earlier this month. “I feel like…Read more...

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A Gallup poll found that 5.6% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ, a 1% increase over three years that’s mostly attributed to younger Americans, with 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identifying as LGBTQ. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, CA—Proudly announcing the arrival of the newest additions to the NASA family, top officials at the U.S. space agency welcomed a litter of Mars rovers Thursday after successfully breeding Perseverance with Curiosity. “We’re happy to report that Perseverance gave birth to 12 healthy, bouncing baby rovers early…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Eyes locked in on the child as she carefully approached her prey, local mother Francesca Shepherd had reportedly moved in for the kill Thursday after spotting her 5-year-old daughter’s shirt tag sticking out. According to observers, Shepherd padded silently across the carpet with the precision and killer…Read more...

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A Suffolk University-USA Today poll found that 46% of Republicans would abandon the political party as it is currently structured and join a new party if former President Trump was its leader. What do you think?Read more...

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Emily in Paris producers reportedly flew Hollywood Foreign Press members to Paris for a lavish set visit that included a $1,400-per-night hotel stay, fueling skepticism around the legitimacy of the show’s award nominations. What do you think?Read more...

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The French electronic music duo Daft Punk announced their breakup after a massively influential 28-year run. The Onion looks back at the top moments of Daft Punk.

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Japan has appointed a “minister of loneliness,” a role that aims to reduce social isolation and loneliness among Japan’s residents as the country deals with rising suicide rates. What do you think?Read more...

Let’s face it, readers, society at large has historically looked down on video gaming. Even as the medium has surged in popularity and esteem, many still don’t consider it a “legit” art form. Fortunately, though, that stigma seems poised to change! In a major gaming win, a popular pro gamer did something terrible, and…Read more...

The family of Malcolm X have released a former police officer’s written deathbed confession that implicates the NYPD and FBI in the 1965 assassination of the Black nationalist leader. What do you think?Read more...

PERDITION—While admitting that the explanation was not technically true, 943-year-old spirit Brictric of Waddesdon confirmed Tuesday that he had found it simpler to just tell fellow denizens of the afterlife that he died in the Crusades despite actually catching typhus en route to the Siege of Antioch. “Sure, it isn’t…Read more...

DULLES, VA—Bringing the couple’s stunning machinations that much closer to realization, Emma Coronel Aispuro—the former beauty queen and wife of notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo”—was arrested at Dulles International Airport this week, exactly as planned. “Today, we detained Miss Aispuro for her suspected role in…Read more...

CARRIZO SPRINGS, TX—In an effort to provide vulnerable youths with a structured, supervised environment, President Joe Biden unveiled a hip teen migrant detainment center Tuesday where kids could hang out and never leave. “We think migrant teenagers are going to love getting a chance to kick back and chillax in this…Read more...

These cookies, made from sesame flour, sesame oil, and topped with sesame seeds, were made as a special fuck you to all the kids out there with a sesame allergy.Read more...

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Wholesale electricity prices in Texas skyrocketed during last week’s severe winter storm, leaving some residents with bills upwards of $5,000 for just five days of energy use and at least one customer owing nearly $17,000. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW ORLEANS—In a controversial call that quickly drew widespread criticism, NBA referee Josh Tiven reportedly ejected the shot clock at the New Orleans Pelicans game Sunday after it startled the official with its buzzer. “The Pelicans’ shot clock was clearly trying to disrupt the game with its rude, loud buzzing,…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Revealing that the presence of a weapon in the residence was directly linked to higher social standing among one’s adolescent peers, a new study released by the Annals Of Internal Medicine Monday found that keeping a gun in the home significantly increases the chance of your child becoming popular with…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Overcome with guilt and grief, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) announced Monday that he was reversing his stance on abolishing the filibuster following his son’s recent diagnosis with filibuster disease. “After witnessing the debilitating effects of the filibuster firsthand, I now realize how terribly wrong I was…Read more...

Members of a San Francisco Bay Area school board resigned after a “hot mic” virtual meeting revealed them ridiculing parents, suggesting they wanted to get their “babysitters” back so they could smoke marijuana at home again. What do you think?Read more...

Organize your books by color with tawny on one end of the spectrum and mocha on the other to make a beautiful brown rainbow.Read more...

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STAMFORD, CT—In a sexual education course intended to broaden the children’s knowledge of the important issue, elementary school teacher Sandra Burns announced Friday that “the penis is the male reproductive organ” to a fifth-grade class that had already watched hundreds of hours of hardcore pornography. “When the…Read more...

A series of winter storms battered much of the United States this week, setting records, disrupting daily life, and providing ominous glimpses of a climate-changed future. The Onion looks at some of the most eye-popping numbers from this week’s winter storms.

ORLANDO, FL—Sobbing that it was supposed to be her special day at the newspaper comic–themed water park, 27-year-old bride Clarissa Manks told reporters Friday that her bridesmaid ruined the entire Universal Studios Toon Lagoon bachelorette party by hooking up with Dudley Do-Right. “We were supposed to go on the…Read more...

LAKEWOOD, OH—Following a custom born out of cooperation and respect, local drivers reportedly pulled over to the side of the road Friday to let a pizza delivery guy through. “Gee, I hope it’s nothing serious like a big, hungry party,” said 48-year-old Rosanna Tuttle, who was just one of the dozens of drivers who…Read more...

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SYDNEY—Citing potentially dangerous messages suggesting the “hoax country” might pass legislation forcing the tech giant to pay for the content its users share, Facebook took down all posts Thursday that spread misinformation about the fictional nation of “Australia” on the social networking platform. “We had to take…Read more...

AUGUSTA, ME—In an effort to protect residents from the negative effects of consuming raw or undercooked shellfish, officials in Maine issued a boil lobster advisory for the entire state Thursday. “To reduce the risk of foodborne illness and ensure Mainers are eating crustaceans prepared in the juiciest, most succulent…Read more...

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DALLAS—Describing his memories of a nascent Slovenia, fresh off the heels of revolution, Mavericks star Luka Dončić shared a harrowing story Thursday about his homeland being torn apart by tyrannical referees. “We once had a beautiful country until the refs came and imposed their ways,” said Dončić, tearfully…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Kicking back as it floated alone in 24 ounces of vinegar-based brine, a solitary dill pickle announced Thursday it was delighted to finally have the whole jar to itself. “Yeah, that’s it—soak it in!” the kosher spear said as it bobbed up and down in the brackish, pale green liquid, reportedly luxuriating…Read more...

NAGAKUTE CITY, JAPAN—Unable to prevent the small glowing forms from swarming around their equipment, developers announced Thursday that they had been forced to delay the planned opening of the Studio Ghibli theme park after curious forest sprites had overrun the construction site. “We need to raze this grove of trees…Read more...

CORONADO, CA—Lamenting the fact that he felt the need to hide beneath a wetsuit, an oxygen tank, and an aqualung life vest, onlookers told reporters Thursday that the Navy Seal they saw swimming in full tactical gear must have terrible body image issues. “It’s just so sad—this man is a perfectly fine-looking soldier,…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Saying the time was now to take decisive action on climate change, Ford CEO Jim Farley launched the company’s electric vehicle push Monday by having his buddy stand watch while he stole a battery from a parked Toyota Prius. “Bold plans like this will help ensure that Ford stays at the forefront of climate…Read more...

All right, that’s it, folks! After extensive conversation among the experts at the Onion Gamer’s Network Decision Desk, we are officially calling New Hampshire for gamers.