The Onion

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Gearing up for the Tokyo Games after a yearlong delay due to Covid-19, a group of gasping, out-of-shape athletes representing a variety of different sports reportedly pleaded with the International Olympic Committee Friday to postpone the event for another summer or two. “Please, esteemed…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In an attempt to keep the occasion low-key, local woman Amanda Suleman told reporters Friday that she was hoping for a quiet Mother’s Day and did not want any kids this year. “I realize it’s tradition to have children for Mother’s Day, but I really don’t need or want any,” said Suleman, adding that while…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Stressing that the powerful jet of red fluid emitting from her genitals was nothing to be embarrassed about, local mother Stephanie Reese assured her daughter Friday that it was perfectly natural to spray a geyser of period blood all over the classroom. “Honey, I know it can feel so humiliating the first…Read more...

Facebook recently upheld a ban on former President Donald Trump from its platform, adding to his previous post-presidency ban from Twitter, prompting debate between proponents and critics of the decision. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of banning Trump from popular social media platforms.

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NEW YORK—Adding to a growing body of evidence in support of the approach, Columbia University psychiatrists published research Friday that confirmed listening to coal-covered street urchins sing a song about dancing your troubles away was still the best treatment for clinical depression. “In 90% of cases, the most…Read more...

The sequel to this generation’s hottest horror game is finally out, and we couldn’t be more excited to dive into Ethan Winters’s latest adventure. But before we do, here are OGN’s tips and tricks to get you started on playing Resident Evil: Village right!

DETROIT—Admitting that the idea may have been doomed from the start, local man Brad Friedberger’s plan to propose at a Detroit Tigers game Friday was scuttled by the team’s 13-1 loss. “I was so nervous and excited, but after they gave up that two-run homer in the second I figured I’d wait until things got a little…Read more...

If you think maintaining a healthy relationship is hard, try doing it in the limelight. We asked several celebrity couples to explain the secrets of their successful marriages, and here’s what they said.Read more...

MANAUS, PERU—Citing concerns such as carbon emissions and deforestation, area man Pete Weingardt was reportedly shocked Friday after learning about the environmental impact of eating a single hamburger while driving a bulldozer through the Amazon. “You don’t really think about the consequences, but even something as…Read more...

Tiger King star Carole Baskin has launched a new cat-themed digital currency called $CAT, which allows fans to buy merchandise or online experiences from her Florida animal sanctuary. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat the Covid-19 pandemic abroad, the U.S. reportedly gave developing countries 60 seconds with patents for the vaccine Thursday to memorize everything they can. “No pens, no paper—just you, your brains, and a minute on the clock,” said U.S. Trade Representative Katherine Tai, who…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that he was unsure how to harness his new abilities, Wells Fargo Center DJ Levi Ellington was overwhelmed Thursday by his godlike power after getting fans to snap along to The Addams Family theme song on command. “They clap when I say clap, they stomp when I say stomp, what won’t they do?” said…Read more...

Facebook’s oversight board ruled the social media platform was justified in blocking former President Trump for violating its community standards relating to misinformation and the Capitol riot, but ordered Facebook to decide a determinate penalty. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urged to take extraordinary measures in the face of a global crisis, the U.S. was under increasing pressure Thursday to suspend Marvel intellectual property so developing nations could create their own Wolverines. “This is a desperately needed resource, and America has a moral imperative to share its…Read more...

BELOIT, WI—Gasping sharply and demanding their son to report to his room this instant, conservative parents Justine and Stewart Taylor asked their son Thursday if he’d care to explain why there was a vaccine card hidden in his underwear drawer. “So, is there anything in particular that you’d like to tell us—or did you…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Stressing that the issue was out of his hands and far beyond the scope of topics he was equipped to address, Mark Zuckerberg asked the Facebook Oversight Board Thursday to rule on whether the argument he’d had with his wife was her fault. “After months of strife and heated discussions within the…Read more...

OKEMOS, MI—Claiming she would be absolutely clueless if she were single and had to navigate such a complicated system, local woman Ashley Rice, a friend in a long-term relationship, announced Thursday she would not be able to figure out the extremely simple premise of a dating app if she tried. “So wait, you look at…Read more...

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INDIANAPOLIS—Believing that the timing of his venture was the sole source of its failure, local esports-themed restaurant owner Dennis McLeish confirmed Thursday that he would spend the rest of his life thinking the business went under because of Covid-19. “Everything was totally going our way over the first few…Read more...

Tiffany & Co. debuted its first-ever men’s engagement ring, as it attempts to tap into a new market for its high-end jewelry amid a rise in same-sex marriages globally and gender-fluid fashion trends. What do you think?Read more...

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BATTLE CREEK, MI—In a major breakthrough after years spent chasing the next big flavor, local minimalist Tyler Benson told sources Wednesday he had recently discovered how to appreciate the stripped-down simple pleasures of unloaded tater tots. “Once you tear away the distractions of melted cheese, jalapeños, and…Read more...

New York City education officials have announced that the nation’s largest school district will not be having any snow days in the next school year, and instead will be providing remote learning during severe weather. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that building public confidence had never been more crucial, experts from Columbia University told reporters Wednesday that earning the trust of vaccine skeptics would be key to jabbing them when they’re not looking. “We explain to them the vaccine is safe, show them the science behind it, wait…Read more...

NEW YORK—Shrugging as he started writing the story’s lede, New York Times employee Lance Reede, a reporter who found three angry tweets about a particular issue, revealed Wednesday that he figured that’s probably an article right there. “Yeah, sure—you’ve got a few angry people on social media, you put all their words…Read more...

GREEN BAY, WI—Threatening to test the trade market if the front office didn’t intervene, a visibly unhinged Aaron Rodgers told Packers brass Wednesday that it was “him or me” in reference to team custodian Glen Pardlo. “I can’t let another off season go by without getting help cleaning up around here,” said the…Read more...

Sure, your favorite team’s GM sucks, but could you do any better? Would you chase stars to form a Big 3 or build around the margins to craft a perfectly balanced roster? Put your team-building skills to the test by constructing the best possible lineup without exceeding your $15 budget.

Spring is tornado season, putting millions of people across the country on high alert for the sometimes devastating storms. The Onion looks back at the worst tornadoes in U.S. history.

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The Colorado legislature has passed a bill legalizing the composting of human remains as an after-death alternative to burial and cremation, which is more environmentally friendly than the traditional processes. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Sorting through the assets of the new company they had acquired, private equity firm Apollo Global Management confirmed they were heartbroken Monday after realizing there were no AOL employees left for them to fire. “There isn’t a single person left on the payroll for us to let go,” said the visibly…Read more...

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Bill and Melinda Gates have announced they are splitting up after 27 years of marriage, a decision that is likely to have wide ranging effects on the worlds of philanthropy, healthcare, and business. What do you think?Read more...

HUNTS POINT, WA—Sharing the message on his Twitter account as well as in an official press release to journalists, Steve Ballmer issued a statement Tuesday clarifying that his marriage has never been more solid. “After 31 years of marriage, I’m proud to announce our relationship has never been better—God, Connie, I…Read more...

MOUNT DORA, FL—Expressing concerns about the complications that could arise from cohabitation, a local couple was reportedly worried Tuesday that their relationship might lose its spark once they both move into the leader’s compound. “Don’t get me wrong—it’s exciting for my boyfriend Rob and I to take this next step…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Worried that he wouldn’t be able to endure the task in his current mindset, local man Brian Grinnell was reportedly psyching himself up Tuesday to watch a movie. “Look, Brian, it’s just two hours and it’s over—you’ve got this,” said Grinnell, reminding himself that he could always take a break halfway…Read more...

With interest rates at historic lows, more people than ever are thinking of breaking into the real estate market. You asked The Onion about how to buy your first home, and now, we have the answers.Read more...

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Alaska Airlines has banned Republican senator Lora Reinbold after her continued refusal to comply with its mask-wearing policy, which could cause Reinbold future complications since the airline operates the only direct flights from her district to the state capitol. What do you think?Read more...

Elon Musk’s private space company SpaceX successfully returned four International Space Station astronauts home safely in the first nighttime splashdown since 1968. What do you think?Read more...

BEVERLY, MA—Explaining that minor inconveniences weren’t worth fretting over, laid-back local man Tom Glickstein told reporters Monday that he felt ready and able to take whatever the sandwich he was currently eating threw his way. “I always try to make the best of the situation at hand, so even if this sub tosses me…Read more...

Gamers, get ready to grab a great deal and run like your life depends on it! Mrs. Ableman from down the block just set out a steaming hot copy of Monster Hunter Rise out to cool on her windowsill, and you have mere moments to snatch it up before she comes back!

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had reached a decision on their international response to the global pandemic, U.S. government officials reportedly vowed Monday to invade the next country that asks for Covid vaccine intellectual property. “We’ve heard the international community’s bitching and moaning about us forcing…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a chilling example to all who had borne witness, a fruit fly floating lifelessly in a glass of wine Monday was reportedly a somber reminder of the perils of gluttony. “A sad portrayal of what fate awaits those whose passionate appetites rage unchecked,” said bar patron Jeremy Mitchell, noting the heavy…Read more...

Federal agencies are investigating two possible incidents, including one near the White House last year, that appear similar to the mysterious directed-energy attacks being called “Havana syndrome” that caused debilitating symptoms for dozens of U.S. personnel in Cuba. What do you think?Read more...

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