The Onion

TAMPA, FL—Expressing disbelief over finally winning the prized piece of memorabilia at auction, Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski was thrilled Friday after purchasing a rare, game-worn Rob Gronkowski jersey. “I can’t believe he would part with—it’s got the NFL patch and everything!” said the 31-year-old, explaining…Read more...

Dictionary.com has named “pandemic” its word of the year for 2020, noting that the site also saw an increase in searches for the words “asymptomatic,” “frontliner,” “quarantine,” “pod,” “superspreader,” “herd immunity” and “furlough.” What do you think?Read more...

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PLAINS, GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available, 39th President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday, “There’s no way in hell I’m letting them put that thing in me.” “Go find somebody else to stick with needles,” said Carter, who denounced former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and…Read more...

ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid-19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant. “There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly…Read more...

LONDON—Exhausted after another long day tasting the latest innovations of the culinary world, food critic Norman Hammond was reportedly contending with a late-night hankering Wednesday for a liquid nitrogen-frozen raviolo balloon. “God, the second I woke up I knew that I wanted something really starchy, puffed up…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season, Attorney General William Barr was reportedly celebrating the holidays Thursday by giving out lethal injections to those less fortunate than himself. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the lives…Read more...

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from…Read more...

Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.Read more...

A biologist in Canada is using facial recognition software called BearID to identify and track the whereabouts of grizzly bears in British Columbia, which she says will aid in conservation and research. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Chastising the team for engaging in such reckless behavior, the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended the entire Steelers roster Wednesday for breaking the league’s coronavirus protocols by playing the Baltimore Ravens. “When you consider how many Ravens players have tested positive, it’s completely…Read more...

A federal advisory committee voted Tuesday to affirm CDC director Robert Redfield’s recommendation that healthcare workers and nursing home residents get priority in receiving the coronavirus vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—After he had pored over the results of a recent reconnaissance mission, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo expressed growing concerns Wednesday over Iran’s nuclear program, citing a photograph that plainly revealed a poster of the periodic table hanging in a Tehran high school. “One of our surveillance drones…Read more...

The U.K. culture secretary recently released a statement cautioning that the fourth season of the hit drama The Crown contains significant manipulations of the truth, leaving viewers wondering where the show’s facts end and its fiction begins. The Onion fact-checks the biggest claims made in The Crown.

WASHINGTON—Breaking with the president on his “rigged election” claims, Attorney General William Barr announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice had discovered no evidence of widespread voter fraud after clicking the warning label on Trump’s flagged tweets. “After a thorough investigation of a link to reliable…Read more...

DETROIT—Grasping fruitlessly at the mound of flesh that had grown around the writing implement, former Detroit Lions coach Matt Patricia screamed, “What have I done!” Wednesday after discovering his pencil had become fused behind his ear. “They warned me. They warned me and I wouldn’t listen! Oh God,” screamed…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates, the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute any pay-for-pardon offers trying to lowball President Trump. “When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in exchange for a presidential pardon, Americans can rest…Read more...

EVANSTON, IL—As she watched yet another person walk past her home without taking in the festive decor, local woman Kathy Legrand stated Wednesday that not one of those ungrateful pricks had so much as glanced at the Christmas tree she placed in her front window to bring them holiday cheer. “I went to a lot of effort…Read more...

CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture, local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets. “I know it may not seem like much, but when I ask someone if they can help me out, it always…Read more...

SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance, Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon. “Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you’ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it,” said…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress, Stanford University’s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64. “Remarkably, we’ve found that the 1982 release of this…Read more...

Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.Read more...

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Former astronaut Mark Kelly—who completed four missions to space before retiring from NASA in 2011 following an assassination attempt on his wife Congresswoman Gabby Giffords—will be sworn in as a U.S. senator for Arizona on Wednesday. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble, President Donald Trump’s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville, ID. “We’ve discovered an entire trove of evidence that this ballot belonging to Boise…Read more...

A boater was discovered Sunday clinging to his capsized vessel 86 miles off the coast of Florida, a day after he was reported missing to the Coast Guard. What do you think?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever, local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson, 30, and Brittany Gill, 28, successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the endangered Jaguars fan base. “This population has dwindled down to…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers Tuesday not to enter an active crime scene cover-up. “We can’t have civilians in here mucking up all our hard work by serving as potential witnesses,” said patrolman Allen Banker, directing pedestrians to…Read more...

From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year.Read more...

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Ken Jennings, who holds the record for the longest winning streak in Jeopardy! history, will serve as the first of several interim hosts until the show can find a permanent replacement for the late Alex Trebek. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Rationalizing that the league was effectively above criticism at this point, a spokesperson for the National Basketball Association confirmed Tuesday that they had probably garnered enough praise from last summer’s “NBA Bubble” to let all the players contract coronavirus during the upcoming season. “We’re…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to widespread negative reviews of his recently released film, Hillbilly Elegy, defensive director Ron Howard told his critics Monday, “You try making a good movie about fucking hillbillies.” “I’d invite anyone who didn’t like my film to try creating something with actual emotional depth about…Read more...

DULUTH, MN—Unsure about the historical accuracy of the popular Netflix show, local man Ryan Galanis was reportedly wondering Monday if a scene from The Crown in which Queen Elizabeth II drinks tea is based on an event that actually took place. “I realize they need to take some liberties with the facts for the sake of…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Calling upon the world’s 1.2 billion Roman Catholics to act with forgiveness towards the Aaron Sorkin series, Pope Francis held a press conference Monday urging the world to give HBO drama The Newsroom another chance. “I’m advising Christians around the world to come together and open our hearts to this…Read more...

Preteen Caleb Anderson, described as a genius who could do fractions and read as a toddler, has been admitted to Georgia Tech as a sophomore where he will study aerospace engineering. What do you think?Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that their patient’s health remained their primary concern, a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden’s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton. “After a slight accident from playing with [presidential rescue dog] Major, we were troubled…Read more...

Listen up, gamers, because we’ve got a killer deal that you’re not going to want to miss: This kid who lives over on the busy stretch of Allen Avenue has all the coolest games and you can play them at his house if you can just get over how weird he is!

Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex.

CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them. “Our newly reformulated Color Shine…Read more...

In the 15 years since the term was coined, Cyber Monday has become a staple of the online shopping season. The Onion takes a look at the most eye-popping numbers associated with this hallowed spending tradition.

SPARKS, MD—Growing increasingly irked by the inconsiderate behavior, employees at local advertising firm Valley Media were reportedly annoyed Friday that their coworker, Josh Goldberg, kept sending annoying after-hours emails about how he’s trapped in the office elevator. “It’s hard to enjoy my downtime when my phone…Read more...

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed…Read more...

DETROIT—Offering the U.S. citizen a brief opportunity to vicariously experience a different nationality, the Canadian price printed on the back cover of a book gave local man Peter Brown a little window into what life might be like if he were Canadian, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wait a second, so in a world where…Read more...

FONTANA, CA—In a momentous twist sources confirmed could only mean one thing, the introduction of Giancarlo Esposito into the television show Jared Brenot was viewing Friday indicated that the main character was now totally fucked. “Oh shit—I don’t know what exactly is going to happen, but this motherfucker’s going to…Read more...

PIERRE, SD—In an effort to attract visitors to a state that is home to some of the worst Covid-19 infection rates in the world, South Dakota officials launched a new tourism initiative Friday that will be centered around the slogan “Come Die Here.” “For years, people have flocked here to see Mount Rushmore, but now…Read more...

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