The Onion

BAY LAKE, FL—Following his team’s elimination from the NBA playoffs, Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard was reportedly worried Wednesday that he had grown too accustomed to living in a fancy hotel with free Wi-Fi. “All of these free soaps, free breakfasts, and an ice maker right down the hall—this is the kind of…Read more...

CLERMONT, FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning, PBA bowler Norm Duke reportedly fell into an existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes go. “How can anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists? What if the holes go…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After shocking reports surfaced that doctors at Irwin County Detention Center in Georgia performed forced hysterectomies on female detainees, horrified Americans confirmed Wednesday that they never thought they’d see forced sterilization of minorities happen here again and again and again and again. “As a…Read more...

The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, virtually hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, will honor a combination of good and bad things that were on television from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for this year’s winners.

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CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product as the latest innovation in wearable technology, Apple announced Wednesday that its new smartwatch would feature a rabbit-ear antenna capable of picking up five or more television channels in the area where a user lives. “In addition to improved battery life and a blood-oxygen sensor,…Read more...

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THIRD CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary’s organization was the only way to destroy the nefarious horde of fiends, Pope Francis reportedly had himself thrown into Hell Wednesday as part of a coordinated attempt to take down a high-level demon ring. “Sometimes the only way out is…Read more...

Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters.Read more...

The 94th Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will not be live this year due to the pandemic, with the event instead featuring pre-taped performances and special vehicles to anchor the enormous balloons normally controlled by hundreds of volunteers. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Breaking through to accomplish what so many doubters never thought he could do, LeBron James finally reached the NBA Western Conference finals after 17 seasons in the league. “LeBron’s always been on the cusp of greatness, but somehow he’s always fallen short of the Western Conference finals,” said analyst…Read more...

An international team of scientists say that a cloud of phosphine detected in Venus’s atmosphere could be a marker of life on the planet, as non-biological explanations for the toxic gas such as volcanic activity would not produce such a large quantity. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Leading a White House guest on a tour of the Executive Residence, President Donald Trump was overheard Tuesday saying, “And these are my Nobel Peace Prizes,” as he gestured toward a room filled with what appeared mostly to be youth athletic trophies. “This one is for my foreign policy, and these two are the…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Admitting that it was tough sometimes to find a man who shared her crude, unfiltered sense of humor, local 29-year-old Stephanie Burton told reporters Tuesday she just wanted to date a guy who could make her laugh, like Cartman. “For me, I’ve been in relationships with a lot of different guys, but at the…Read more...

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CORDOVA, TN—Praying that the Lord Almighty would help her understand the recent whistleblower reports about Immigration and Customs Enforcement’s treatment of migrant detainees, conservative evangelical woman Melissa Carson reportedly asked God Tuesday to give her strength to incorporate forced hysterectomies into her…Read more...

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Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.Read more...

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Herpetologists at the St. Louis Zoo say a 62-year-old ball python has laid a clutch of eggs that are expected to hatch next month, despite the fact that the snake has not been near a male in at least 15 years. What do you think?Read more...

Authorities say a group of killer whales have been surrounding and then ramming sailboats along the Spanish coast, often damaging the vessels in violent encounters that scientists are calling both concerning and abnormal. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Bristling with anger as they paged through the news over breakfast, the nation was reportedly furious this weekend that the narratives of the comic strips in their Sunday papers remained wildly unsynchronized with the plots of their Monday through Saturday counterparts. “Goddamnit, just yesterday I was…Read more...

YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest, mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer’s sandwich. “It’s tough, because you really want something…Read more...

Oh boy, gamers, Microsoft is not gonna be happy about this one! After last week’s $499 price reveal of the upcoming Xbox Series X, Playstation struck back, printing billions in counterfeit bills and flooding the market to cause hyperinflation, making the American dollar completely worthless.Read more...

AKRON, OH—Stressing that continuing to watch the animated television series would be worth it in the long run, local man Collin North reportedly assured his friend Brice Mitchell Monday that he just had to stick with The Flintstones through the J.L. Gotrocks arc. “I get it, the whole mistaken-identity thing isn’t…Read more...

NEW YORK—Deciding that it wouldn’t be right to try to capture video of another human being in his final moments, NYPD police officer Tom Sloane reportedly shut off his body camera early Monday morning out of respect for his dying victim. “This man is bleeding and gasping for breath, and so it just feels kind of morbid…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging the eggheads to translate their scientific gobbledygook, the nation’s action heroes released a statement Monday demanding hackers say it again in English. “We’re calling on all tech-savvy wunderkinds to pretend for a second that we don’t have a master’s in programming from M.I.T. and repeat back…Read more...

While the coronavirus pandemic has caused delays in television production, dozens of new and returning shows are coming to viewers’ TV screens and streaming services this fall. The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of the fall.

The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.Read more...

The Social Security Administration’s annual index of popular baby names reveals the name ‘Keanu’ surged 177 spots to the rank of 630th, likely due to the career comeback of Matrix and John Wick star Keanu Reeves. What do you think?Read more...

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FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Asking for patience so the team has time to develop and cohere, New York Jets head coach Adam Gase warned Sunday that fans should not overreact too much to the first 60 years of the franchise. “I know that we got to a slow start in the first six decades, but it takes time to build a winning culture,”…Read more...

ORLANDO—Stressing that the unconventional tactic was warranted to counter the Lakers star’s incredible postseason production, Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey cited advanced statistics Friday to support the team’s strategy of giving LeBron James coronavirus. “According to our analytics model, the only…Read more...

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ARCADIA, WI—Saying they took comfort in the knowledge that things were unlikely to get any worse, residents of a small town in western Wisconsin expressed relief Friday that all of their beloved local businesses had been forced to close down long before Covid-19 struck. “I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be…Read more...

CHICAGO—Assuring parents they were more than prepared for their first fully virtual semester, Chicago Public Schools encouraged students without internet access Friday to attend remotely by peering through the home windows of wealthier classmates. “If you have any problem at all connecting to online classes, simply…Read more...

Boy oh boy, gamers, we’re just living life out here, really just vibing with the scene tonight, so you’ve got to take what we’re about to say with a grain of salt. Obviously, this might just be the Sambuca talking, but Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout is an energetic spin on the battle royale genre that everyone should…Read more...

Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky.Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Feigning surprise as she unwrapped the massive art installation, Ai Weiwei’s niece Zhang Jing was reportedly annoyed Friday that her uncle had again tried to pass off one of his massive used bicycle sculptures as a birthday present. “What the hell am I supposed to do with hundreds of bicycles welded…Read more...

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Less than a day after announcing a ban on trick-or-treating, the L.A. County Department of Public Health walked back their decision, issuing revised guidelines stating that most Halloween-related activities were “not recommended” due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

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