The Onion

New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees has announced his retirement after a 20-season NFL career that included the franchise’s only Super Bowl victory in 2006, less than a year after Hurricane Katrina devastated the city. What do you think?Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—Following their discovery of a simple grammatical mistake that had gone undetected by Christians until now, a consortium of biblical scholars announced Tuesday that the Latin Vulgate translation of the New Testament had completely distorted the story of Jesus crucifying the Romans. “A careful study of…Read more...

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One of the key members of the band, it was V who came up with the idea that they should all look really cute and be good at dancing.Read more...

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ELKTON, MD—Explaining that the hollow gestures of sympathy would certainly bring tears to his eyes, local widow Gina Hasapis told reporters Tuesday that she just wished her late husband could hear all the rote pleasantries that funeral attendees said about him. “Oh, if only my Martin could hear you pay forced, …Read more...

A new study shows the euphoric feeling runners get known as “runner’s high” is not due to endorphins but to the release of endocannabinoids, marijuana-like biochemicals that cause the floaty, blissful feelings in orgasms. What do you think?Read more...

MEMPHIS, TN—Citing the complications that a sexual relationship inevitably brings, officials at the Memphis Zoo confirmed Monday that giant pandas Ya Ya and Le Le had not mated because they were both worried about messing up their friendship. “While securing the future of their species is absolutely crucial, it could…Read more...

Clearly not a Hall of Fame-caliber player given that the Lions failed to drive him into early retirement at 30.Read more...

Beyoncé broke the record for most Grammy wins by a female artist after receiving her 28th award at the 63rd annual Grammys, while Taylor Swift became the first woman to win album of the year three times. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Several leading football analysts confirmed Wednesday that most NFL teams are just one or two ridiculously overpriced free agent signings away from a Super Bowl victory. “Giving out a bloated contract to an aging pass rusher or promising a ton of guaranteed money to a declining wide receiver with a history of…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to overcome vaccine hesitancy and reduce spread of the coronavirus, Florida announced a new program Monday that aims to increase immunizations by scattering hundreds of thousands of loose hypodermic needles on beaches throughout the state. “In order to reach Floridians who have refused…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Frittering away his last possible chance at happiness and success, area man Graham Aniston told reporters Monday that “it’s good to practice some self care” while kicking back. “Sometimes, when you’re really burned out, the best thing you can do is take some time off and just relax,” said Aniston,…Read more...

Netflix is testing a new feature that prompts viewers to verify account ownership, leading to speculation over a future crackdown on the password sharing that’s practiced by one third of its 200 million subscribers. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Shaking his head as he rolled his bucket on stage and set up yellow “wet floor” signs, Grammy’s janitor Marko Pavlović let out a pained sigh Sunday after once again being called in to mop up a puddle of Megan Thee Stallion’s pussy juice. “Oh my god, not again—it’s like the second I’m finished cleaning up…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an emotional speech touching on all the factors behind their meteoric rise, global pop superstars BTS expressed their heartfelt thanks at Sunday night’s Grammy Awards for the deeply exploitative system that got them where they are today. “Everyone in the band just wants to give our heartfelt…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Hastily improvising a new set list just minutes before the live broadcast, Taylor Swift was forced to perform songs in the public domain at Sunday’s Grammy Awards after losing the rights to her albums again. “Most Swifties were expecting to see her perform ‘Cardigan,’ but Taylor decided to show her naughty…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Pointing out the often-overlooked feature of the awards, the Recording Academy reminded nominees Sunday that they can crank the little arm on the statue to hear Supertramp’s Breakfast In America. “While it’s certainly not the most exciting thing about winning a Grammy, the gilded gramophone playing…Read more...

President Biden signed into law the $1.9 trillion coronavirus economic relief package aimed at helping the country recover from the pandemic and includes up to $1,400 in direct payments to individuals. What do you think?Read more...

ORLANDO—Hailing the advanced imaging machinery as a breakthrough in law enforcement, officials held a press conference Friday to tout new technology that allows police to see what suspects would look like while riding the Rock ’N’ Roller Coaster. “This advanced tech will help officers collar perpetrators by giving…Read more...

OLYMPIA, WA—Revealing his identity as the winning bidder in the record-breaking Christie’s auction, local venture capitalist Ian Engel told reporters Friday that since spending $69.3 million on a collage by the digital artist known as Beeple, he had finally begun to understand what NFTs are. “Now that I’ve dipped my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his experience during the pandemic, Senator Richard Burr told reporters Friday he couldn’t believe that it’s already been a year since he boosted his stock portfolio with classified coronavirus information. “Everything happened so fast—one minute I was sitting in what I thought would be a…Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Claiming that the flow of their chakras were responsible for both teams’ inaccuracy at the free-throw line, Bill Walton’s diatribe about negative energy fields during Friday’s PAC-12 tournament was still the most accurate thing any announcer or analyst had said all game. “You can just feel Oregon State…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Instilling hope that the end of the pandemic was in sight, President Joe Biden announced Thursday that Americans could expect to do what they did at Christmas by July 4. “If we do this together, there’s a good chance you’ll be able to treat yourself to a small gathering with family and friends, just like…Read more...

Readers, for decades you’ve come to OGN for the latest news and inside scoops about Nintendo. Unfortunately, today we received an indication that our reporting about the legendary console maker and developer may need to be put on hold. You see, our undercover source at the company disappeared last week, and we’ve…Read more...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Local residents in the war-torn Afghan city were disappointed but not surprised Friday after a new U.S. shipment of humanitarian aid was reportedly just guns again. “We arrived here for the convoy early this morning hoping there’d be some clean water or food or something, but nope—just another large…Read more...

After passing Congress on partisan lines, a $1.9 trillion relief bill, the third of the coronavirus pandemic, was signed by President Joe Biden on Thursday. The Onion looks at what’s in the new relief bill.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to get the “blue-sky” brainstorming session off to a productive start, GOP strategist Chuck Harpster reportedly reminded a group of state legislators from around the country Friday that there were no bad ideas when it came to suppressing the Black vote. “Don’t worry about budgets or…Read more...

Alaska recently became the first state to expand eligibility for the coronavirus vaccine, making immunization available to anyone 16 years of age or older who lives or works in the state. What do you think?Read more...

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HASTINGS, NY—Pointing to the alarming picture as a sign that something was unmistakably amiss, sources confirmed Thursday that an image of Jack Skellington with a particularly wicked smile suggested that a local T-shirt wearer was not your typical Disney fan. “It’s clear from looking at the face of the Nightmare…Read more...

Arkansas has passed a near-total abortion ban into law with no exceptions for rape or incest, a sweeping measure abortion opponents hope will force the majority conservative Supreme Court to revisit Roe v. Wade. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—A new study from the Pew Research center released Thursday found that more Americans were putting off marriage in order to focus on making nachos in the microwave. “After studying thousands of couples across the country, our researchers found that younger generations are overwhelmingly deciding to postpone…Read more...

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CHARLESTON, SC—Saying the weapons platform’s hovering embrace was a great comfort and a source of solace in a difficult time, grieving war widow Jessica Haylock reportedly found comfort Thursday in the wings of a drone that served in Afghanistan with her late husband, USMC specialist Brandon Haylock. “After Bran died,…Read more...

DURHAM, NC—In an effort to attract one of the most sought-after prospects in the 2023 recruiting class, sources close to the Duke University basketball program revealed Thursday that scouts attempted to lure LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. to the school by offering to help pay his family’s rent and utility bills. “We want…Read more...

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Former President Trump lost his last challenge of the 2020 election results when the Supreme Court refused to hear his final appeal, bringing the total number of failed legal attempts by Trump and his allies to more than 60. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging the nation to remain vigilant in its continued commitment to utter despondency, health officials nationwide warned Wednesday that it was still too early for Americans to stop languishing in a state of unceasing despair. “We know it’s been tempting to return to a slightly more positive outlook in recent…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Searching for answers in the wake of multiple violent incidents involving the German shepherd, Secret Service agents told reporters Wednesday that they remained concerned that Major Biden’s recent behavior had been influenced by time spent on far-right dog forums. “It starts out innocently enough with…Read more...

HANOVER, NH—Touting the manuscripts as close to the author’s best work, literary critics at Dartmouth College hailed several unpublished J.D. Salinger novels Wednesday as good, but not “go out and shoot a celebrity” good. “Don’t get us wrong, there’s the same wry prose and pitch-perfect characterization of uniquely…Read more...

With PlayStation 5 supplies running low across the country, many gamers are turning to third-party vendors to access the latest and greatest in interactive entertainment. Unfortunately, online scammers out there are taking advantage of buyers like Andrew Friedman, a 33-year-old Sony diehard who thought he was getting…Read more...

ATLANTA—Reminding Americans that the pandemic was still far from over, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued new guidelines Wednesday allowing fully vaccinated people to gather indoors with the curtains drawn to reduce the spread of jealousy. “If we don’t stop the spread of envy, it could soon turn into…Read more...

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Confessing that the veteran power forward hasn’t made a significant impact on his life, Cleveland Cavaliers fan Andrew Stroud confirmed Thursday that he already knows he won’t feel a thing when Kevin Love dies. “I definitely won’t feel good about it, but don’t expect any loving tributes to his life…Read more...