The Onion

LINCOLN, NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect, local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “no goddamn use” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn’t truly want to be helped. “Look, pal, you gotta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside,…Read more...

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We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.Read more...

Rideshare companies Uber and Lyft may temporarily shut down in California as early as this week after a judge ordered the businesses to reclassify their drivers as employees instead of independent contractors. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall, the voices that had always whispered the founding fathers’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time for him to slaughter the country’s leadership and seize the government for himself. “You…Read more...

President Trump told reporters that he believes Senator Kamala Harris may not meet the requirements to be vice president because her parents are immigrants, a claim White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said the campaign would not pursue because the constitution is clear that she is eligible to serve. What do you…Read more...

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FAIRFAX, VA—Announcing its financial insolvency after decades of losing ground to the popular means of household protection, cash-strapped advocacy group the National Rifle Association officially declared bankruptcy Monday as more Americans have continued to realize that martial arts are, in fact, the best way to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying…Read more...

NEW YORK—Building upon theories that the café workers possess far more complex thought patterns than previously believed, a study released Monday by New York University’s Department of Anthropology suggests latte art could represent a primitive attempt by baristas to communicate. “By analyzing the baristas’ complex…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—Emphasizing that the cutouts would create the illusion that learning facilities were just as cramped as the year before, representatives from Savannah High School confirmed Friday that cardboard students had been added between distanced desks to maintain a normal feeling of oversized classes. “Although…Read more...

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It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film.Read more...

Illusionist David Blaine, known for extreme stunts and feats of endurance, will attempt to fly above New York City using helium balloons later this month as part of a Youtube livestream event. What do you think?Read more...

The World Health Organization is calling on people to put off visiting the dentist for routine care until Covid-19 rates drop or until researchers know more about the risks involved. What do you think?Read more...

STURGIS, SD—Gathering from across the country to present the latest scientific and sociological findings on riding hogs and throwing down, the 18th annual Sturgis Motorcycling Research Symposium continued Thursday with experts presenting on cutting-edge advancements in bar fight weaponry. “What really stunned me was…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—In an effort to build greater customer loyalty, tech giant Apple announced Thursday the rollout of a new subscription bundle called Apple One, which will combine its popular music and TV services with a hearty stew developed by CEO Tim Cook, all at one discounted monthly rate. “Apple One will make it…Read more...

With the Big Ten and Pac-12 voting to delay their seasons this week, the debate has been raging over the relative value and safety of playing college football during the pandemic. Onion Sports evaluates the pros and cons of canceling the season.

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TOPSHAM, ME—Describing how his ineptitude in the battle royale mode was severely hampering his ability to proposition any of the preteens he was playing with, sources confirmed Thursday that local pedophile Darren Costas was sucking too bad at Fortnite to actually groom any relationships with children. “God, there’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the method being used on death-row inmates, federal prisons reinstituted executions by lethal inflation, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Pumping air into the prisoner until they swell up and burst into a cloud of bone and viscera is clearly a lawful and humane…Read more...

ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit, a local African elephant expressed disbelief Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine ass. “I understand these guys want to make a quick buck off…Read more...

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Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break.Read more...

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Health experts say a weekend performance by the band Smash Mouth at the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, which often draws half a million people to the South Dakota town, could become a super-spreader event as hundreds of thousands of visitors return home. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Responding to a wave of canceled checks after news broke of a potential shutdown, NCAA officials reminded boosters Wednesday that full bribes were still due to their respective teams even if the Division I FBS season was canceled. “It’s unfortunate that we may not get to play football this year, but…Read more...

FRANKLIN, TN—Expressing shock at the abrupt metamorphosis, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local man Mike Heckner, 27, had transformed into a pensive and wistful old sage just moments after sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of an old farmhouse. “He seemed like a pretty ordinary guy until he lowered…Read more...

STOW, OH—Expressing deep reservations about how or why one would otherwise become such a devoted fan of the platforming character, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Joseph Lee’s fixation on the video game character Rayman is even more unsettling for not being sexual. “Joe’s replayed pretty much all of the…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—In an effort to make virtual learning readily accessible to every child in kindergarten through 12th grade, the Savannah-Chatham County Public School System announced plans Wednesday to require all students to attend online classes in one massive, open-concept computer lab. “We’re happy to provide our…Read more...

The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students.Read more...

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The producers of the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual singing competition that features musicians from countries across Europe, announced a new American version of the show set to debut in 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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SAVANNAH, GA—Expressing concerns about the jaded, indifferent person he had apparently become, local 13-year-old Jay Eggers confided to reporters Tuesday that he had mourned the loss of his youth since realizing he no longer felt anything when watching or thinking about monster trucks. “I look in the mirror and wonder…Read more...

PAPILLION, NE— Tapping deep into his imagination as he composed the message from the passenger seat, local man James Burditt was reportedly working in some creative flourishes Tuesday in the ghostwritten text to his friend’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, what he told me to type was a good start, but there are a few weak…Read more...

Prime Minister Jacinda Arden announced Sunday that New Zealand has effectively stopped the transmission of Covid-19 through strict border control and lockdown measures, marking 100 days since the last reported domestic case. What do you think?Read more...

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LANSING, MI—Already looking forward to the secret snack, a local robin regurgitating food for its chicks Monday reportedly made sure to save the best bites in the back of her throat for herself. “They’re so young, it’s not like they can really appreciate a good, fresh earthworm anyway,” said the robin, who brushed…Read more...

Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar to the popular app TikTok. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely for one from America. “We would have been glad to help them out, but…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation, a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday to inspire herself. “I guess I’ll give it a shot,” said Obama, who decided to buy an audio book copy as well in case she wanted to listen to the story while attempting to boost her…Read more...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers, effective immediately.Read more...

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest-control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest-control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian…Read more...

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