The Onion

Well, this is the sort of news we love to hear! It’s been years since we heard a peep out of Valve about the elusive final installment in the Half Life trilogy but, in a recent announcement, the militant Islamist group al-Qaeda just claimed they are planning “something big that will change the world forever,” and you…Read more...

DENVER—Hoping to get the lay of the land before the day arrived, area mother Alice Zeitman was reportedly casing her local grocery store Thursday ahead of a big sale. “We need to make sure that the actual operation goes off without a hitch, so I’m gathering as much intel as I can ahead of time,” said Zeitman,…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Trembling as he gripped a sharp knife and debated which finger he needs the least, a terrified Zach Wilson cut off his pinky finger Thursday to get out of being drafted and shipped off to the Jets. “I’ve heard about what happens there, quarterbacks leave home and they never come back, I don’t want that to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nomination would receive bipartisan approval from the Senate, sources inside the White House confirmed Thursday that Biden has tapped career diplomat Nicholas Burns to serve in his administration as White House pet. “Today, President Joe Biden announced his intent to nominate…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Admitting it was far too late into his line of questioning to backtrack, CIA interrogator David Fromm was reportedly embarrassed Thursday after realizing that he forgot to ask the suspect for his name. “God, I guess I’ll just have to keep calling him ‘buddy,’” said a blushing Fromm, who braced for the…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the diversity of the insect world, a team of Harvard entomologists announced Thursday that they identified a previously unclassified moth species that had evolved to fly out of poor people’s wallets. “Though sightings of this wallet-dwelling specimen have been reported for centuries,…Read more...

A 39-year-old man in Japan was arrested for defrauding at least 35 women of almost $1,000 by telling them he wanted a serious relationship as a way to get lavish gifts for his many made-up birthdays. What do you think?Read more...

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The CDC has eased the nation’s outdoor mask guidelines, saying unvaccinated Americans can go maskless outside alone or with members of their household while fully vaccinated people can forego masks outside completely unless in large crowds. What do you think?Read more...

Lawrence has been described as a generational talent that could transform a franchise, the kind of praise scrutinizing sports writers reserve for only 5-10 players per draft.Read more...

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PROVIDENCE, RI—Wiping beads of sweat from her brow as the web page’s 5-minute time limit rapidly approached zero, local woman Justine Nichols typed frantically Wednesday as a countdown threatened to release temporarily reserved show tickets. “Oh my God, oh my God, hurry up, I don’t have time for this,” whispered a…Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Admitting that the shifty fish has managed to evade detection by mankind for thousands of years, researchers at the University of Michigan Museum of Paleontology discovered Wednesday that the coelacanth successfully faked its own extinction in order to escape a massive gambling debt. “For years we…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Expressing annoyance at losing nearly a millennium of good work following the discovery, The Lord God Almighty was reportedly frustrated Wednesday after a Google search revealed that octopuses already exist. “Goddamnit, I’ve been filling up Moleskins with sketches of suction cup-covered tentacles and…Read more...

April 29 marks President Joe Biden’s 100th day in office, a milestone that is traditionally used to evaluate whether a president is keeping or deviating from their campaign promises. The Onion evaluates whether Biden kept his campaign promises.

A Texas woman was recently notified of an outstanding warrant for her arrest on felony embezzlement charges after not returning a Sabrina The Teenage Witch VHS tape 21 years ago to a now-closed rental store. What do you think?Read more...

According to E.U. officials, fully vaccinated American tourists will be allowed to visit countries within the European Union this summer, though there is no official timeline or approved system for determining passengers’ Covid-19 vaccination status yet. What do you think?Read more...

You might think the U.S. political system is crazy after the 2020 election, but it’s nothing compared to elections around the world. Here are some of the most heated and disputed transfers of power from all over the globe.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding to a brutal second wave of Covid-19 ravaging nations across the world, the United States announced Tuesday that they had sent developing countries 70 million vaccinated Americans. “We’re disturbed and heartbroken by the devastation that coronavirus has wreaked on India, which is why we’re sending…Read more...

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TOLEDO, OH—Assuring the potential customer that his guys were their best shot at a decent deal in town, a group of men with a pickup outside Peabody Funeral Parlor told a grieving family Tuesday that they would be able to bury their grandmother for much cheaper. “Trust me, you’re gonna get hosed if you stick with the…Read more...

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Some hair donation charities that make wigs for cancer patients are experiencing an influx in donations from people who delayed haircuts during the pandemic, with one charity receiving over 90 pounds of hair from one salon. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding with swift action to the outpouring of criticism for failing to honor the late Chadwick Boseman, panicking president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences David Rubin held up Anthony Hopkins’ severed head in a Monday press conference while asking, “Does this help?” “To fans…Read more...

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Nomadland, the epic odyssey of American itinerants living out of vans as they search for work, won Best Picture at the 93rd Academy Awards while its director Chloé Zhao became the first woman of color to win Best Director. What do you think?Read more...

HOBOKEN, NEW JERSEY—Explaining how it was one of the major downsides of his job, local dock worker Edie O’Connor told reporters Monday that he feels unfair pressure to be an ornery tough guy. “Everyone sees my gruff, muscular appearance and they immediately assume that I’m some big bully when that couldn’t be further…Read more...

In today’s world of financial uncertainty, it can be hard to tell when, and how, to ever stop working. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about retirement, and now, we have the answers.

The USDA has extended universal free school lunch through 2022 as part of efforts to smoothly reopen schools, bringing relief to millions of food-insecure families, particularly those hit hardest during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

LEXINGTON, KY—In response to the abrupt change to the day’s schedule, students at Landon Middle School in Lexington, KY were reportedly excited Monday after their teacher announced class would be held outside while police investigated a school shooting. “Sitting outside in the sun is so much better than being locked…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Screaming in terror at the approaching hordes of hissing, red-eyed former celebrities, attendees at the 93rd Academy Awards fled Sunday as the actors featured during the ceremony’s “In Memoriam” segment crawled out of the screen and began devouring Gary Oldman. “Oh Christ, now Aaron Sorkin’s lying in a…Read more...

Former Reading Rainbow host and Star Trek: The Next Generation star LeVar Burton will guest host Jeopardy! this summer after a fan petition asking calling on the show to hire him garnered nearly 250,000 signatures. What do you think?Read more...

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ORLAND PARK, IL—After spending over a year restricting their trips away from home to only those that were necessary, the Myers family informed reporters Friday that their first vaccinated outing was kind of a bust. “It took forever to get the kids out the door, then our table wasn’t ready, then the food arrived late,…Read more...

SAXONBURG, OH—Saying his naïve views failed to account for the unique difficulties of law enforcement, sources confirmed Friday that Charles Laurent, a man who criticized police tactics, did not have any idea what it was like to wake up every day and do a job that put lives in danger. “Unless you’re actually out there…Read more...

VICTORIA, KS—Expressing concerns about her role in negatively impacting the planet, a local cow on her way to be slaughtered Friday was reportedly fretting about her personal contributions to climate change. “When I consider all the ozone-depleting methane I carelessly emitted over the course of my lifetime, it makes…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Holding a press conference with their hairless scalps proudly exposed, the nation’s bald citizens Friday demanded that people stop using their heads as bongos. “For too long, America’s bald men have stood silently as friends, family, and random children slapped their palms against their head to play a…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Kicking off the company’s much-anticipated spring product launch, Apple CEO Tim Cook used a widely viewed virtual event this week to unveil the brand-new air fryer he got for Christmas. “Today we stand at the dawn of a new era in convenient home cooking,” Cook said during a live stream in which he…Read more...

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Whole Foods is testing a new payment system called Amazon One that enables store registers to scan the customer’s palm print, linking it to their debit or credit card as an additional contactless payment option. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging national leaders to “tread carefully,” top experts from the Council on Foreign Relations warned Thursday that acknowledging the Armenian genocide could risk drawing the U.S. into WWI. “The mass killings of the Armenian people was a tragedy, but we fear acknowledging the ethnic cleansing of one…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States could not stand idly by while such a grave injustice occurred on the world stage, President Joe Biden announced plans Thursday to send troops to liberate Afghanistan from the U.S. “For far too long, the people of Afghanistan have been at the mercy of a foreign invader, and…Read more...

Steven Soderbergh, director of the Ocean’s 11 franchise and Erin Brockovich, will be co-producing this Sunday’s 93rd Academy Awards ceremony, employing several cinematic techniques to update the show and make it “feel like a film.” What do you think?Read more...

Yikes, well, we’ve got some pretty terrifying news. Shigeru Miyamoto has just confirmed that every Nintendo Switch on Earth is wired with explosives to detonate if his heart stops for any reason.Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Boasting a functioning door and a cardboard box with free bandages, sources at the University of Kansas confirmed Thursday that the training gym and locker room for its NCAA female athletes were three loose garbage bags next to a couple old lawn chairs. “This facility is one of the best in college women’s…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to attract new residents to the city, Milwaukee rolled out a new campaign Thursday promoting itself as a hip, affordable place to live with all the police brutality of Chicago. “As one of the top up-and-coming midsize cities in America with great restaurants, an amazing entertainment district,…Read more...