The Onion

TANEGASHIMA, JAPAN—After ushering thousands of work-permit holders into a tightly packed capsule atop an H-IIA rocket, the United Arab Emirates successfully launched its first migrant workers into space Monday, part of a mission to build luxury resort colonies on the surface of Mars. “Today, our bold nation takes a…Read more...

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Analysts say that coronavirus concerns have caused Americans to spend less and reduce their use of paper currency, in turn causing a coin shortage that has forced some major retailers like Kroger to require exact change for purchases. What do you think?Read more...

The Atlanta Braves have removed a wooden statue reading “Chop On” from outside Truist Field and are reviewing whether they will stop encouraging fans to engage in the tomahawk chop, though the team has already stated they will not change their name. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that any shock over the incidents was completely unfounded, Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf attempted Monday to assuage concerns over the videos of protesters in Portland being abducted by promising this will all feel fairly routine in a month. “We get that unmarked federal vehicles…Read more...

MEHOOPANY, PA—After the launch of a promotional campaign exhorting consumers to buy up as much of the product as possible, major bath tissue manufacturer Charmin faced a backlash Monday over a new ad that suggests it wouldn’t be a bad idea for everyone to start hoarding toilet paper again. “While there are plenty of…Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing misgivings over perpetuating a system of oppression, local toddler Aaron Merchant reportedly felt somewhat torn Monday about pretending to be a policeman in the current cultural climate. “I have a lot of fun yelling at kids and putting them into jail, but I certainly don’t want to contribute…Read more...

BOSTON—Sighing while staring out the window at the figure standing several floors below, local man Jeff Ipser longingly imagined what life would be like Monday if the pizza deliveryman outside his building were there for him. “To think, if I’d just made different choices in my life, that could have been me running…Read more...

GETTYSBURG, PA—As those assembled in their uniforms faithfully carried out the nonexistent events exactly as they didn’t happen in July 1863, spectators watched Union soldiers battle aliens Monday at the 157th annual Battle of Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment. “We are assembled here today to act out those bygone…Read more...

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It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe.Read more...

A Freddie Mac survey found that the average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage dropped to a record low 2.98% last week, leading to an increase in demand by homebuyers even as the number of available houses decreased. What do you think?Read more...

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Georgia governor Brian Kemp issued an executive order Wednesday banning cities from enforcing their own face mask laws as the state reported 3,871 new coronavirus cases, its second-highest daily total this year. What do you think?Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Unable to control his intense craving for a soiled garment fresh from the laundry bin, local dog and faithful companion Cooper was reportedly thinking Friday about how he could really go for some women’s underwear right about now. “You know what would hit the spot? A nice, big bite of thong,” said the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his failure to provide a safe space for them to thrive and profit, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder pledged Friday to dedicate the rest of his life re-earning the trust of “great” brands like FedEx. “I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve allowed to happen here. These are amazing brands that…Read more...

DENVER, CO—Endeavoring to determine what would constitute the most compelling learning materials for her third-grade class, local elementary school teacher Meredith Coggins was reportedly wondering Friday if “outer space” or “ocean” would be a better theme for the bulletin board listing coronavirus rules. “It’s super…Read more...

Well, gamers, this is a huge letdown. After years of hype around Sucker Punch’s upcoming open-world epic Ghost Of Tsushima, we learned today from an insider source that the main character is a direct rip-off of a warrior from Japanese history known as the “samurai.”

A human being’s genetics influence their body, traits, and other characteristics, but many common misconceptions about genetics and heredity persist. The Onion debunks some common myths about genes and genetics.

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Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better.Read more...

A man in Virginia has registered dozens of names related to the Washington NFL team over the last six years in a possible attempt to sell the trademark for profit, a move patent lawyers say will likely fail. What do you think?Read more...

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BOSTON—Addressing a precipitous nationwide decline in bicep circumference, pectoral definition, and rigid, beautifully cut abs, panicked officials in every state announced Thursday they would immediately reopen gyms following a catastrophic 85 percent drop in chiseled studs across the country. “Cutting off access to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting that the moment had finally come for the difficult conversation, Melania Trump reportedly took some time Thursday to sit Barron down and tell him he was bred for his organs. “Listen, Barron, now that you’re 14, you’re old enough for me to tell you the truth, which is that you’re essentially a…Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how sad it made her family to see the 84-year-old looking so old and frail, local woman Janice Hartley told reporters Thursday that her father’s inability to get out of his chair now had excused his increasingly virulent racism. “It’s just so sad—he used to be fairly active, but now he just sits…Read more...

NEW YORK—Insisting that the sports media giant was doing everything in its power to protect vulnerable groups, ESPN officials encouraged Get Up! host Mike Greenberg to wear a face mask to help prevent the spread of inane commentary. “We’re taking every necessary precaution to make sure Mike’s pointless babble doesn’t…Read more...

NEW YORK—Finding themselves once again unable to progress through even a third of their agenda, the Audubon Society found themselves once again mired in controversy Thursday when an unprecedented fourth consecutive board meeting was derailed as attendees spent the bulk of their allotted time scoffing at cartoon…Read more...

EAST AURORA, NY—Calling the activity center “perfect for newborns as well the most hardened young adrenaline junkies,” Fisher-Price introduced a new Bungee Jumperoo Thursday for thrill-seeking babies. “Whether your infant is diving off a bridge in Austria or plummeting from a rocky New Zealand cliff, the Fisher-Price…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to help ease the economic burden of the coronavirus pandemic, Congress passed a new bill Wednesday that approved $3 trillion in funding for a 35-mile overpass capable of housing millions of recently evicted U.S. citizens. “We know the American people are struggling, and we are thrilled to…Read more...

Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye.Read more...

As pharmaceutical companies rush to develop a vaccine for Covid-19, scientists and policymakers are concerned global demand for glass vials combined with borosilicate shortages could create bottlenecks in distributing the lifesaving drugs. What do you think?Read more...

As the coronavirus pandemic continues through the summer months, many states and cities around the U.S. have implemented restrictions on travelers. The Onion highlights some of the coronavirus travel restrictions around the country for anyone thinking of taking a trip.

BALTIMORE, MD—As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the assignment, every member of the Baltimore Police Department was reportedly excitedly volunteering Wednesday to go undercover in a white supremacist group. “I’ll do it! I would be so good at going undercover—if I’m in…Read more...

SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway. “While…Read more...

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As part of their bid to finalize a $2.1 billion deal to purchase Fitbit, Google told EU regulators this week that the company will not use health data from the wearable activity trackers to help create targeted ads. What do you think?Read more...

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf’s attention, a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a dappling of sunlight upon summer’s lush leaves expressed their consternation Wednesday on how to make local dipshit Andrew Meyers look up from his phone. “Jesus…Read more...

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Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family.Read more...

DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe. “After extensive research, we can state with a high degree…Read more...

Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to fears the Beijing-based social media company could hand over sensitive data to the Chinese government, a concern that cybersecurity experts say is largely hypothetical. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy…Read more...

ARLINGTON, TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team’s name to Redskins now that it is available. “Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long, but I always secretly felt like it was the…Read more...

California’s two largest public school districts announced Monday that they have abandoned plans to partially reopen schools later this year and will instead teach students 100% online. What do you think?Read more...

CALABASAS, CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight, actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the film’s production in 2018, he had engaged in a passionate extramarital relationship with his younger Gemini Man co-star. “We hit a rough patch in our marriage a few years back, and I found myself locked in…Read more...