The Onion

MILWAUKEE—Talking himself out of immediately killing the creature as it crawled from underneath his bed, local man Tim Wolinski was overheard Tuesday saying, “Well, they’re harmless and they help with pests,” as he decided against squashing a cat found inside his home. “Ugh, those things are so creepy, but technically…Read more...

SEATTLE—In an effort to help socially conscious subscribers avoid the judgment of their peers, Amazon reportedly began offering a new blank box upcharge Tuesday for progressive members to discreetly receive their Prime orders. “For just $3 per shipment, Amazon users who are outwardly critical of our company can have…Read more...

GREENBELT, MD—Comparing the prices of common household goods to what they were back in his younger days, local old man George Swander reportedly remembered Tuesday when things cost roughly the same as now after adjusting for inflation. “Back in my day, you see, you could get a hamburger for just 15 cents, which, when…Read more...

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The FBI has charged 6 men for plotting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer and overthrow the state government, while state authorities say they have charged 7 other men in connection to the case who sought to ignite a civil war. What do you think?Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Expressing outrage that the theater district would remain closed at least through next May, cane-wielding, top-hatted demonstrators pulled New York governor Andrew Cuomo into a kickline Friday to protest the Broadway shutdown. “Step-ball-change, step-ball-change,” chanted the scores of protestors dressed in…Read more...

WAUSAU, WI—Complaining that it was unrealistic to expect their small, grassroots terror organization to foment civil war on so many fronts at once, overwhelmed members of a local white nationalist militia stated Friday they were stretched to the limit trying to attack everyone the president wants them to. “So, just…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Promising that the Miami Marlins did not hate him and that he had done nothing wrong, Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker reminded outfielder Ronald Acuña Friday that being hit by a pitch is just how pitchers show they like-like you. “Pitchers are just like that, they’re shy and don’t always say things out…Read more...

Reports that President Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19 following days of meetings, fundraisers, and a presidential election debate are giving rise to speculation that some of his advisors and confidants may also be infected. The Onion investigates who in the White House has potentially been exposed to…Read more...

NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. “As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani,…Read more...

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The Irish Supreme Court has ruled that the loaves used to make Subway sandwiches contain too much sugar to meet the country’s legal definition of bread, and therefore does not qualify for a 0% tax rate like other staple foods. What do you think?Read more...

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New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.Read more...

CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday, this article, the one you are currently reading, has successfully padded out The Onion’s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable. “All indicators suggest this article…Read more...

SUPERIOR, CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on, area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse. “The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I’d build one, and I guess I figured that I…Read more...

CHICAGO—Scouring plays for any hint at something that could provide insight, Chicago quarterback Mitch Trubisky reportedly spent Thursday studying game tape in hopes of discovering what the Bears saw in him in the first place. “I look at my throwing mechanics and think they must be nuts, but there must have been…Read more...

A judge on Wednesday approved an $800 million settlement between MGM Resorts and more than 4,400 relatives and victims of the October 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting, with the casino paying $49 million and acknowledging no liability while its insurers cover the remaining $751 million. What do you think?Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—As it cuts from a young girl in the car with her father to a grown woman pulling on a NASA helmet as her old man proudly looks on, a TV commercial is implying some sort of link between owning a Lincoln Corsair and having a daughter who becomes an astronaut, sources confirmed Thursday. “Gotta admit I’m…Read more...

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant’s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to demand its assistance in opening an iPhone 11’s packaging. “It is absolutely imperative that Apple grant us access to the contents of this…Read more...

Fall is upon us, and with it comes the perfect season for another installment from one of the best examples of the survival horror genre. That’s right, gamers. Turn off the lights and get ready for terror. Here’s everything we know about Amnesia: Rebirth.

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Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.Read more...

A 550-year-old painting of a young nobleman by Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli is expected to sell for well over $80 million when it goes to auction next year, due in part to it being one of just 12 known portraits attributed to the artist. What do you think?Read more...

Chinese business tycoon Ren Zhiqiang was sentenced Tuesday to 18 years in prison on corruption charges, which legal observers believe is likely retaliation for penning an essay earlier this year in which he called President Xi Jinping “a clown stripped naked who insisted on continuing being emperor.” What do you think?Read more...

Utah Senator Mitt Romney announced his support Tuesday for confirming a new Supreme Court Justice before the November election, clearing the way for President Trump’s nominee despite publicly holding the opposite stance when President Obama nominated Merrick Garland in 2016. What do you think?Read more...

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The passing of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has led to a flurry of speculation and controversy about what will happen with her seat so close to the presidential election and several key Senate elections. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for the late justice’s vacant Supreme Court seat.

SUMMER LAKE, OR—Saying the blazing orange hues always put him in a certain autumnal state of mind, local hiker Jeff Sanders spent Wednesday morning wandering through an Oregon forest to enjoy the vibrant reds and golds of fall. “Boy, it’s incredible to get out of the city and see the beauty and splendor of nature up…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the Moon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion years, and we have now learned that Earth and its Moon are indeed in a…Read more...

GLADWIN, MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor, 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out. “Oh my god, I get it already, I’ve been…Read more...

After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.Read more...

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The Department of Justice on Monday named Seattle, Portland, and New York “anarchy jurisdictions,” and President Trump announced he would withhold federal aid from those cities, though constitutional law experts say the order would not likely be upheld in court. What do you think?Read more...

The Canadian television sitcom Schitt’s Creek swept the 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, taking home nine prizes, including all seven major awards for which it was nominated, and setting a record for most Emmy wins for a comedy series in a single season. What do you think?Read more...

LITTLEROCK, CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out, Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious. “There’s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around, and I’m really starting to worry that it’s indicative of a much bigger…Read more...

ATLANTA—Outlining their priorities guiding the development and distribution of an immunizing agent against the deadly virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly announced Tuesday that children will be the last to receive a Covid-19 vaccine because what are those little twerps going to do about…Read more...

SAGINAW, MI—Insisting that no one was allowed to touch the small pile of foliage on the dining room table, local girlfriend Michelle Slagle, 27, was doing something with the leaves from outside, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It could be that these leaves are for a craft project or to make potpourri, but there’s really…Read more...

BANDON, OR—Explaining that the visitor had appeared legitimate for the most part, area man Robert Moralis told reporters the guy who came to his house Tuesday and asked for his personal information definitely seemed like a census taker. “Anyone who wants that many details about that many areas of my life would, I…Read more...

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