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Updated 2025-07-04 09:30
Architect Has Amazing Idea For Replacing Freedom Tower If Worst Were To Happen Again
NEW YORK—Confident that given the chance he would absolutely blow the memorial committee away with his design, architect Shaun Linger told reporters Wednesday that he has an amazing idea for replacing New York’s Freedom Tower if the worst were to happen again. “I don’t want it to happen, but if tragedy were to strike,…Read more...
Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye
BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method’s failure to soothe his discomfort, local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his eye remained itchy and irritated, even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing. “I’ve been getting in there and really working at it with my knuckle, but if anything, it looks even more bloodshot…Read more...
Remote Possibilities
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Family Increasingly Terrified That Ghost Haunting House Might Be Pedophile
LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but…Read more...
Deepak Chopra’s EPIC Twitter Meltdown
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CDC Warns Of Aggressive Rats Scavenging For Food
According to the CDC, rats that normally feed on restaurant scraps are struggling to find new food sources as the pandemic keeps businesses locked down, causing the animals to become abnormally aggressive and, in some cases, resort to cannibalism and infanticide. What do you think?Read more...
What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?
More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.Read more...
Trump Claims To Have Stopped Taking Hydroxychloroquine
In an interview this past Sunday, President Trump claimed he has completed a regimen of hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug being touted as a possible Covid-19 treatment that researchers say increases the risk of potentially fatal heart arrhythmias in patients. What do you think?Read more...
Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees
MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for a lack of oversight following the death of George Floyd after police officer Derek Chauvin pinned him to the ground, Minneapolis Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they are now requiring all officers to undergo ergonomics training to better protect their knees. “After…Read more...
Top So-Called Expired Items That Are Still Perfectly Good
Two pounds of ground beef from the back of the freezer: Or is it flank steak? It’ll be fine once it’s defrosted.Read more...
Trump: ‘Even One Death That Makes Me Look Bad Is A Tragedy’
WASHINGTON—Seeking to provide comfort in the face of the coronavirus epidemic, President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday, reflecting sadly that even one death that makes him look bad is a tragedy. “Every single loss of human life that can be directly attributed to my actions is one too many,” said Trump,…Read more...
How The U.S. Media Landscape Got So Polarized
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Tyson Promises Meatpackers Who Die From Coronavirus Will Not Go To Waste
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8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image
Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2020
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Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up
The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 25, 2020
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CDC Issues Safety Guidelines For Pools, Water Parks, Hot Tubs
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released new guidelines for public pools and aquatic centers set to reopen this summer, urging employees and guests to wear masks and maintain social distancing both in and out of the water. What do you think?Read more...
Man Always Self-Sabotaging By Working To The Best Of His Ability
CENTENNIAL, CO—Explaining how he frequently went against his own interests by trying as hard as he could, sources close to local database developer Patrick Ryan confirmed Monday that he was always self-sabotaging by working to the best of his ability. “Pat has so much potential, but he keeps kneecapping himself by…Read more...
The 9 Most SCANDALOUS Rihanna Photos
Rihanna flaunts a sexy, barely-there look to the Battleship premiere. Somebody cover her up!Read more...
Complete Bullshit: Designers Of This Online Shooter Made It So This Guy Died Even Though He Totally Ducked
Now here’s an example of developers who aren’t doing their jobs. Riot Games, the publisher behind the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant, apparently designed it so that beta user Kyle Evans died even though he totally ducked.Read more...
19 Tweets From The Audubon Society/Barack Obama Twitter Feud
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Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All
Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.Read more...
How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing
Spend the months and years leading up to quarantine being a caring and genuinely interesting enough person that spending a few months apart doesn’t make everyone forget that you exist.
Lori Loughlin, Mossimo Giannulli Plead Guilty In College Admissions Scandal
Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, will plead guilty to conspiracy charges for their role in the 2019 college admissions scandal, with the couple facing between two to five months in jail and nearly $300,000 in fines between them. What do you think?Read more...
Governor Upset Barber Would Be So Reckless As To Get Near Ben Roethlisberger
PITTSBURGH—Referring to the decision to open his doors to the Steeler quarterback as “brash and wrongheaded,” Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf told reporters Friday that he was upset at a local barber for being so reckless as to get near Ben Roethlisberger. “I’m angry that some people in Pennsylvania still don’t…Read more...
Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents
BEIJING—In an effort to prepare Chinese citizens for the ongoing pandemic, President Xi Jinping struck a dour note Friday, warning that a second wave of coronavirus had the potential to disappear thousands of Hong Kong residents. “If Coronavirus cases begin to spike again, we all have to be ready for a tragic reality…Read more...
11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining
While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.Read more...
Missile Rushed To Hospital
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The Weapons Of The Future And What Sounds You Should Make With Your Mouth While Describing What They Do
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A True Miracle: This Woman Just Gave Birth To A Nintendo Switch
Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news, gamers! A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred, transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come. Early this Friday morning, 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously…Read more...
What To Know About The Flooding In Michigan
Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.
Judge Rules Salvage Company Can Cut Into Titanic Wreck
An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?
Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps
In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.Read more...
10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic For The ’90s
Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!Read more...
Raspberry Self-Conscious About Amount Of Body Hair
ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that…Read more...
Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign
NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all…Read more...
German Soccer League Simulates Presence Of Fans By Pumping Racial Slurs Into Stadiums
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Coronavirus Forces Ford Plants To Temporarily Close Days After Reopening
Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following a two-month shutdown due to the pandemic, highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations. What do you think?Read more...
Tips For Avoiding Vision Loss
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Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life
BETHESDA, MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call, Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he’s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life. “Yeah, skipping past some of the financials for a second, I think it’s worthwhile to…Read more...
NFL Reminds Black Coaches They’ll Get Their Chance Once League Runs Out Of Grudens And Shanahans
NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now, the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans. “We take diversity seriously, and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once…Read more...
FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For
NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease’s likely voting preferences, the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November. “The question of which candidate this…Read more...
Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande Deny Claim They Bought No. 1 Billboard Spot
Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “Stuck With U” to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “Gooba,” a claim both the artists and magazine deny. What do you think?Read more...
10 Wyobraźni Co My Gwarantujemy Przyniesie Uśmiech na Twej Twarzy
Kogo obchodzi ile masz lat? Ten facet wie że jesteś taki młody jak się czujesz.Read more...
Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious
CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out…Read more...
Confused Primitive Extraterrestrial Shrugs, Take Huge Bite Of Golden Record
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Penneys From Heaven
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Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season
Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.Read more...
All 50 States Unveil Plans To Ease Coronavirus Restrictions By Memorial Day
As Memorial Day approaches, every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders put in place to reduce the spread of Covid-19, though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike in new cases. What do you think?Read more...
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