The Onion

The Congressional Budget Office projected the country’s deficit will eclipse $1 trillion in 2020, raising concerns of fiscal imbalances spurred by recent White House tax cuts that largely favored the wealthy. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Acting quickly to save his beloved creation, billionaire entrepreneur and engineer Elon Musk rushed to the aid of an overturned Tesla Model 3 Thursday that became immobilized on top of a 9-year-old child. “When I saw that poor helpless Tesla, with its segment-leading styling and advanced range, flipped…Read more...

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The strongest earthquake on record in the Caribbean has struck Jamaica and Cuba, resulting in building evacuations and potential injuries, although reporting has yet to confirm the fallout’s magnitude. What do you think?Read more...

The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.

CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events, reports confirmed Wednesday’s debut of The Topical, a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete. According to historians,…Read more...

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ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits, research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi. “We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring…Read more...

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Any gamer worth their mettle has learned how to cope with disappointment. For every overhyped shooter that blows us away, there are a thousand Brute Forces or Daikatanas that teach us to never again trust an E3 presentation. But even with our tempered expectations, there are still some releases that leave us wincing…Read more...

SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia, grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb, 85, was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station. “We are happy to report that…Read more...

MALIBU, CA—Promising that he wouldn’t let outside distractions interfere like in the past, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers pledged Wednesday to dedicate his off-season to growing as a brand ambassador. “You know, we went far pretty this season, but we ultimately fell short of our sales goal and some of…Read more...

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Amidst a visit by current Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his electoral opponent Benny Gantz, the Trump administration rolled out its long-awaited Middle East peace plan despite outcry that the plan received little input from Palestinian leaders. What do you think?Read more...

Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump, a new book by former National Security Advisor John Bolton contains the bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into former Vice President Biden. What do you think?Read more...

OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses. “Oxford…Read more...

Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult, which is why performing a few easy exercises at the office can be the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape. For example, sneak in a low-impact training session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges.Read more...

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SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough,…Read more...

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ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder. “Seriously, how am…Read more...

Challenging the former vice president’s front-runner status, four recent polls show Senator Bernie Sanders leading the presidential race in both New Hampshire and Iowa, states that are considered potential keys to framing the trajectory of the eventual Democratic nomination. What do you think?Read more...

BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has handled the deadly disease outbreak, Chinese president Xi Jinping held a press conference Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it illegal to mention within the next week. “We are directing massive resources towards…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the evidence “simply does not add up,” experts at Harvard Divinity School told reporters Monday that they were unable to comprehend why someone as rich as Justin Bieber even needs to believe in God anymore. “According to our research, there’s no possible explanation as to what a divine…Read more...

Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Willie Nelson, and Cage the Elephant were among those honored for major awards at the 62nd annual Grammys, an event that was marred by behind-the-scenes scandal amidst claims of sexual harassment and voting rigging. What do you think?Read more...

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program. “I remember when he was…Read more...

There’s been tons of fevered anticipation from Sony fanboys about the next generation of PlayStation, but that hype is about to hit a whole new level with a recent leak that appears to include photographs showing your long-lost father holding a PS5.Read more...

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ATLANTA—In an effort to stop the spread of the potentially lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Monday to urge Americans to just say “No” if a friend offers them the coronavirus. “While it may seem cool to be seen around the park or the mall with a runny nose and hacking cough,…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation, the Treble Clef was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 62nd annual Grammy Awards on Sunday night. “It is a great honor for me to be bestowing this award to one of the greatest living musical symbols of…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird, creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “Sunflower guy,” several young artists told reporters Sunday that an out-of-touch, aging Post Malone kept desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids at the 62nd annual Grammy Awards. “It’s just kind of…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music, the 62nd annual Grammy Awards was formally accused Sunday of showing an unfair bias toward nominees that accurately represent what the nation at large is listening to. “I swear, the Recording…Read more...

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In an effort to combat the spread of a virus that has already been detected in more than 500 citizens, the Chinese government has locked down transportation in or out of six coronavirus-infected cities, including Wuhan, Hubei’s capital of 11 million people where the virus first emerged. What do you think?Read more...

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The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.Read more...

NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial’s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein’s 1994’s Pulp Fiction was. “Ladies and gentlemen of the…Read more...

Citing the growing threat of climate change and looming threat of nuclear war, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Science and Security Board set the doomsday clock to 100 seconds to midnight, the closest the clock has been to humanity’s metaphorical destruction since its creation in 1947. What do you think?Read more...

SUMMIT, NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed, half-decent parent who was around from time to time, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father. “I’ve had a good run and instead of…Read more...

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Judge Kara Pettit rejected the dismissal of charges against Utah resident Tilli Buchanan, a woman charged with lewdness after her stepchildren found her topless beside her husband while installing insulation in their garage. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh…Read more...

After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III’s upcoming DLC, Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks…Read more...

President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum as a means to combat climate change, a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “good” but were not an effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending…Read more...

CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour…Read more...