The Onion

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed…Read more...

DETROIT—Offering the U.S. citizen a brief opportunity to vicariously experience a different nationality, the Canadian price printed on the back cover of a book gave local man Peter Brown a little window into what life might be like if he were Canadian, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wait a second, so in a world where…Read more...

FONTANA, CA—In a momentous twist sources confirmed could only mean one thing, the introduction of Giancarlo Esposito into the television show Jared Brenot was viewing Friday indicated that the main character was now totally fucked. “Oh shit—I don’t know what exactly is going to happen, but this motherfucker’s going to…Read more...

PIERRE, SD—In an effort to attract visitors to a state that is home to some of the worst Covid-19 infection rates in the world, South Dakota officials launched a new tourism initiative Friday that will be centered around the slogan “Come Die Here.” “For years, people have flocked here to see Mount Rushmore, but now…Read more...

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SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski,…Read more...

CARROLLTON, TX—Declaring “Ooh, yes” and “Let’s see,” the nation’s relatives reportedly called for a little Zoom tour of your apartment Thursday. “What fun, we’ve never gotten to see it before—show us, show us!” said 61-year-old aunt Judy Freymond, who joined the chorus of millions of uncles, cousins and grandparents…Read more...

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Stressing that the present atmosphere only raised further questions about the greeting method, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they felt even more unsure than usual about whether to hug their cousins this Thanksgiving. “To be fair, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do even in regular…Read more...

Americans across the country are celebrating Thanksgiving today, though millions will not gather in person this year due to the pandemic. How are you celebrating Thanksgiving?Read more...

ATHENS, GA—Beaming as the youngsters rushed down the stairs and threw open the oven doors, parents Jack and Christina Packton allowed their excited children Wednesday to tear open one turkey for Thanksgiving Eve. “We know it’s a day early, but there’s nothing more magical than sitting around with friends and family on…Read more...

The Bureau of Land Management is investigating after a helicopter crew in Utah stumbled upon a shiny metallic monolith standing roughly 10 feet tall in a remote area of the state, which they believe may be an illegal art installation. What do you think?Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Ending two weeks of a transition blockade, President-elect Joe Biden confirmed Wednesday that he had received his first box of wadded-up napkins and greasy receipts comprising President Trump’s intelligence briefing. “We appreciate the Trump administration cooperating in a peaceful transition of power,…Read more...

VALLEY FORGE, PA—Wondering aloud whether some of the products appearing on his television were even real, local Caucasian man Landon McGill was reportedly ushered into an alternate world Wednesday when a brief viewing of BET exposed him to advertisements intended for African Americans. “Whoa, what’s happening—it’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling it a blatantly corrupt abuse of the recruitment system, critics slammed Alabama’s senator-elect Tommy Tuberville Wednesday for using free cars and Auburn cheerleaders to lure a five-star intern onto his staff. “Tuberville clearly spoiled this guy with steakhouse dinners and signed footballs to…Read more...

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Boy, have we got some good news for you, gamers. Oh yes, we do. What is it, you may be wondering? Well, get ready, because it’s going to knock your socks off: After pulling some strings, we are pleased to announce that the common loon Gavia immer is now officially the gaming bird!Read more...

Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.Read more...

Despite warnings from the CDC to stay home, Thanksgiving may as usual be the busiest travel period of the year, as nearly 1 million Americans passed through airport screenings on Sunday. What do you think?Read more...

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WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that the preparation would help the administration hit the ground running, staff members announced plans Tuesday to slowly introduce Joe Biden to oval-shaped rooms for a smoother transition to the White House. “Our team wants to make sure the president elect doesn’t miss a beat on day one,…Read more...

GM will comply with a National Highway Traffic Safety Commission order to replace faulty airbag inflators in 7 million trucks and SUVs worldwide, a recall which the company estimates will cost $1.2 billion dollars. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSBURGH, PA—Urging suffering individuals to take concrete action to address their lingering pain, grief psychologists from Carnegie Mellon University released a study Tuesday finding that the best way to cope with a death in the family is dropping 50 points in an NBA game. “According to our data, the first stage of…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation’s airports and trains stations. “We understand the temptation to travel…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the update was long overdue, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday it had added new steps to the Heimlich maneuver poster so it would include the part where choking victims finished eating the food they had coughed up. “We’re now formally advising…Read more...

NEW YORK—Withholding any details that would betray the religious nature of the excursion abroad, local woman Catherine Angelos carefully redacted a travel story Tuesday to avoid revealing to friends that her purported vacation was actually a church mission trip. “Oh, yeah, I had an awesome time in Guatemala,” said the…Read more...

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Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.Read more...

Leading infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told USA TODAY that Santa Claus has an innate immunity to Covid-19 and cannot spread infection to others. What do you think?Read more...

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said on Sunday that Trump should concede the election as his lawyers have failed to provide any evidence of fraud and that their conduct “has been a national embarrassment.” What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Urging the nation to keep the event’s actual history in mind, researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools. “Traditionally, we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the…Read more...

SEATTLE—Sprinting through the office door and leaping onto his stunned father’s lap, 27-year-old Dennis Radomir loudly announced “Daddy, I’m hungry” Monday as he burst into the background of a work-related video conference. “Daddy, Daddy, my tummy is grumbling, please can I have my yum yums now,” whined the fully grown…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the cabinet choice a “perfect symbol of unity,” President-elect Joe Biden announced at a press conference Monday that his administration’s Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee would be a ring of diverse children holding hands. “Starting January 20, the Department of Health and Human…Read more...

HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at…Read more...

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as…Read more...

Whoa-ho-ho, gamers, looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along! After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont, it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed, meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox…Read more...

First, plug it into your USB port and download the necessary drivers.Read more...

Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.Read more...

The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis’s Instagram account, which is managed by a team of people, liked a photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto. What do you think?Read more...

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a…Read more...

Buzzfeed announced plans Thursday to buy news and commentary website HuffPost from Verizon Media, which will become a minority shareholder of the company. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon…Read more...