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Updated 2025-07-04 09:30
Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures
WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of…Read more...
Unclear Why Only One Half Of Couple Wearing Mask
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Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Living In
NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in. “To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether…Read more...
Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel
NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature’s promotional clothing, an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004% of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs…Read more...
The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs
July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”Read more...
Good News, ‘Final Fantasy’ Fans: Looks Like They Made A Bunch Of Those Things
If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake, it’s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix’s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay. Well, good news, Final Fantasy fans! It looks like…Read more...
Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is
CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence, conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Eric! Great to see you,” said the…Read more...
5 Things To Know About The Effects Of Stay-At-Home Orders
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Garlic Clove Concerned About Being Deployed Into Water Glass With No Real Exit Strategy
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Notre Dame To Reopen Campus For Fall Semester
One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures, Notre Dame announced its fall semester will start early and end by Thanksgiving, which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood of transmitting the coronavirus on campus. What do you think?Read more...
Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too
ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile, the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year’s Eve. “According to our data, Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at…Read more...
Rapid Drop In Greenhouse Gas Emissions Causes Planet To Freeze Over
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U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country
The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.Read more...
Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine
President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?Read more...
Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on,…Read more...
Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job
SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential…Read more...
‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive
BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I…Read more...
High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but…Read more...
10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities
“You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom Morissette was addressing in this timeless cut off the celebrated ’90s album Jagged Little Pill, the songwriter herself recently admitted what many had long suspected: The tune was written about renowned actor…Read more...
Tips For Dealing With Zoom Fatigue
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Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball
LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 19, 2020
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Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement
Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world, President Obama joined Malala Yousafzai, LeBron James, and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual commencement ceremony. What do you think?Read more...
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret
The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.Read more...
Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out
SKAMANIA COUNTY, WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens, a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997’s Dante’s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton’s elbow burst through the skin. “Wow, the sight of ash, smoke, and rocks…Read more...
‘Just Know It’s Far Worse Than Whatever President Water Did,’ Says Trump Explaining Obamagate
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Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine
Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine, sending the Dow up more than 650 points, or 2.8%. What do you think?Read more...
Recipe Calls For Banana As If Man Has Access To Fucking Caribbean Street Market
NEWPORT, OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients, local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market. “Where the hell am I going to find one of those?” said Collins…Read more...
Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’
LOS ANGELES—Coworkers at the advertising firm Horizon Group remained trapped in an infinite loop of telling one another “Oh sorry, no, go ahead,” during a morning Zoom teleconference, sources confirmed Monday. “No, no, my bad, definitely go ahead,” said copywriter Lance Reddick, pausing three hours into the apparently…Read more...
Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby
Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company’s source code leaked only, exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets. The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe: A rogue…Read more...
Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second
CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “pure joy” from start to finish, area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia entry, which kept her up later than usual last night, was worth every goddamn second. “I wound up there after stumbling…Read more...
God Recalls Getting Start As Backup Dancer Before Making It Big As Deity
THE HEAVENS—Reflecting on how far He had come since His early days on the live music circuit, The Lord God Almighty spoke to reporters Monday, recalling his start as a backup dancer before He made it big as a deity. “It’s kind of crazy to think about it now, but back then, I was basically just a glorified extra in…Read more...
So-Called Hero Puts Eggs At Bottom Of Grocery Bag
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of May 18, 2020
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51 Blank Slides
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New Research Indicates Coronavirus Did Not Spread From Pangolins
Scientists in China say genetic analysis proves that while pangolins are carriers of certain types of coronavirus, it is unlikely they are the direct source of the current outbreak of Covid-19 among humans. What do you think?Read more...
Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.Read more...
Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album
TORONTO—Calling the country singer’s place at the top of Top 200 completely illegitimate, fans of the rapper–singer Drake took to social media Friday to accuse Kenny Chesney of manipulating Billboard’s algorithm by putting effort into his album. “It’s just unfair that this guy could keep Drake from his rightful place…Read more...
No One Aware Coworker Stormed Out Of Slack Meeting
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Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident
PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities. “Honestly, it’ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay…Read more...
Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point
BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the…Read more...
Wisconsin Bars Reopen Following State Supreme Court Decision
Patrons packed bars in celebration after the Wisconsin Supreme Court voted 4-3 to invalidate an extension to the governor’s stay-at-home order, though several counties issued their own orders in an effort to control the spread of coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...
Helpful HR Email Offers Employees Tips For Ignoring Mental Health
OAKLAND—Emphasizing that the staff’s output and productivity were of the utmost importance to management at this time, employees at tech company SeedFund confirmed Friday that HR had sent them a helpful email offering tips for ignoring their mental health. “During these trying times, if you’re ever feeling…Read more...
500-Mile Dead Zone Found Off Atlantic Coast Linked To Runoff From Olive Garden Alfredo Pipe
FENWICK ISLE, DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination, scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes. “This stretch of coastline has been completely…Read more...
Emmanuel Macron: America’s Frenchest President?
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74 Normal Photos And 2 Kinda Weird Ones
Normal one.Read more...
The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch
Did you just pick up a Nintendo Switch? Are you looking over the plethora of titles at your disposal and wondering what to play? Well, OGN has you covered with our definitive list of the 11 greatest titles to own for the Nintendo Switch. Click on, gamers, for your answers!Read more...
Record Number Of Women Running For U.S. House In 2020
At least 490 women have filed to run for seats in the House of Representatives this year, breaking the previous record set during the 2018 election that saw 102 women win their races, though Congress is still roughly 75% men. What do you think?Read more...
Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are
He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.Read more...
Singing Birds Dressing Princess All Struggling With Bra Clasp
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