The Onion

CINCINNATI—Shushing the toys as he carefully studied every vehicle and pedestrian passing by his house, heroic local conservative Darryl Sawchuck reportedly put his life on the line Thursday to hide several dozen Mr. Potato Heads in his attic. “Don’t worry—you’ll be safe with me!” said Sawchuck, who sources confirmed…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to…Read more...

DARTMOOR, ENGLAND—Caught off guard in one of his ratty old goatskin tunics, Bronze Age tribesman Lugu claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. “Shit, I would have put on a beaten-reed…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic…Read more...

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Dr. Seuss Enterprises used the late author’s 117th birthday to announce it will cease publishing six of his books, including If I Ran The Zoo and Scrambled Eggs Super! for character portrayals considered racist and insensitive. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In what he described as an effort to reduce the spread of cowardice in the Lone Star State, Gov. Greg Abbott issued an executive order Wednesday requiring all protective face coverings worn in Texas to have the word “pussy” written across the front in large, boldfaced letters. “If you feel a need to put on…Read more...

WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden reportedly nominated popular Twitter account @PossumEveryHour Wednesday for United States Office of Management and Budget Director after discovering bipartisan support of the account’s tweets. “Today, I am thrilled to endorse PossumEveryHour for OMB director, as I believe it’s beloved,…Read more...

Former President Trump received the Covid-19 vaccine at the White House in January, but did not disclose his inoculation to the public, which doctors say would have helped ease vaccine skepticism that remains highest among Republicans. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting its meteoric rise to the top of the charts, sources confirmed Wednesday that popular new podcast Ruff Stuff was just actor Mark Ruffalo reading out the names of murder victims. “I’m overwhelmed by the outpouring of positive reception, and grateful for the opportunity to create content that clearly…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Admitting that she was taken aback by the casually tossed-off anecdote, local woman Cara Wisher told reporters Wednesday that a previously unheard story about her mother’s uncle Glen added an intriguing layer to the family’s history of mental illness. “I had no idea that my great uncle would disappear…Read more...

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BOZEMAN, MT—Though he protects scores of innocent civilians every day of his life, several reports confirmed Wednesday that Java, a local parakeet, is unaware the companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man David Markopolous, from committing one of the deadliest acts in U.S. history.…Read more...

As coronavirus vaccine rollouts ramp up in countries where vaccines were developed, calls have grown for sharing supplies and technology with countries that currently lack vaccine access, but critics argue there will be complications. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of countries with vaccines sharing their…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a move that officials from the Pentagon called long overdue, a new U.S. military diversity initiative unveiled Wednesday aimed to make leadership look more like the countries they invade. “It’s the 21st century, and it simply isn’t right to have a group of generals leading the United States Armed Forces…Read more...

A Pennsylvania man took a break from participating in the January 6th Capitol riots to text his ex-girlfriend that she was a “moron,” leading to his arrest after she gave the messages to the FBI. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO—In an effort to stem criticism over their decision to no longer publish several books, Dr. Seuss Enterprises issued a statement Tuesday assuring readers they can still make the author as racist as they want with the power of imagination. “All you have to do is close your eyes while reading Go, Dog. Go!, and…Read more...

A French court convicted former President Nicolas Sarkozy of corruption and influence peddling, suspending part of his sentence and recommending he serve only one year under house arrest. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to move past a tense diplomatic moment with the Gulf state, President Joe Biden announced Tuesday that the United States would allocate $500 million for Saudi Arabian crown prince Mohammed bin Salman to use on anger management counseling. “Despite obvious differences in opinion, it’s crucial…Read more...

The Cherokee Nation is calling on automaker Jeep to stop using the tribe’s name for two of its best-selling SUVs, as other companies and sports teams have already taken steps to remove racially and culturally inappropriate branding. What do you think?Read more...

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Ever since the release of the Demon’s Souls remake in November, we’ve been slashing our way through some of the toughest monsters gaming has to offer and exploring every nook and cranny of Hidetaka Miyazaki’s dark kingdom of Boletaria. Incredibly, though, we failed to pick up on this little Easter egg until today: You…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Concluding an exhaustive analysis of the nation’s media, the Justice Department issued a report Monday confirming that the majority of homicides occur before the opening credits. “While Americans generally believe that murder is most prevalent at the climax or immediately before the commercial break, our…Read more...

A CDC advisory panel voted unanimously to recommend Johnson & Johnson’s Covid-19 vaccine, opening the way to start distribution of the nation’s first vaccine to only require a single dose and regular refrigerated storage early this week. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Demonstrating her prowess as a no-nonsense negotiator, local woman Jocelyn Apter reportedly succeeded in strong-arming her landlord Monday into fixing her toilet in exchange for a rent increase. “I finally put my foot down and told him he needed to make the repair or else, and he was so surprised he agreed…Read more...

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HOUSTON—Claiming the move was the only way to guarantee a fully renewable future of adrenaline-charged metal smashing, the nation’s monster truck rally organizers issued a statement Monday vowing to crush 100% electric cars by 2030. “For too long, we’ve sent trucks like the Devastator, Swamp Thing, and El Toro Loco…Read more...

A landslide in Northern Italy sent over 200 coffins that were buried in a cliffside cemetery plummeting into the Ligurian sea, with recovery efforts expected to take days. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Following a report Friday that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one of the good Syrian airstrikes. “No, no, don’t worry—these are the…Read more...

With reportedly half its population already vaccinated, Israel is being criticized for sending excess coronavirus vaccines to the country’s allies while pledging only 5,000 doses to the millions of Palestinians living in Israeli-occupied territories. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Gathering around the athlete’s bed to deliver the news of his prognosis, doctors at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center reportedly reassured Tiger Woods Friday that you don’t have to be in good physical condition to play golf. “Mr. Woods, you’ve sustained some serious damage to your lower extremities, but you’ll…Read more...

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Police in Pakistan’s capital have deployed an armed rollerblading unit to curb theft and harassment, clarifying that the officers would only carry smaller handguns to avoid the risk of ricocheting bullets. What do you think?Read more...

TORONTO—In an effort to attract a younger audience by encouraging them to “reach out and touch” pieces of NHL history, the Hockey Hall Of Fame debuted an interactive exhibit Friday allowing fans to play with game-used teeth. “We’ve collected everyone’s molars from Bobby Orr to Chris Pronger, so fans can relive some of…Read more...

CHICAGO—Reflecting on the once-bustling neighborhood that had been significantly reduced over the years, local residents confirmed Thursday that all that now remained of the city’s Little Italy was a single meatball. “Back when I was growing up, the area stretched for a few blocks at least, and there were dozens of…Read more...

Like clockwork every year dozens of deserving NBA stars get snubbed while useless, washed-up stars like Kevin Durant and LeBron James coast in on reputation alone. Here are Onion Sports’ biggest snubs from the 2021 NBA All-Star Game.

DES MOINES, IA—Pining after a woman it acknowledged it might never have, a frustrated coronavirus particle told reporters Thursday it was not sure how much more it could change about itself to get with local grandmother Beverly Milfay, who received her second dose of a Covid vaccine earlier this month. “I feel like…Read more...

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A Gallup poll found that 5.6% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ, a 1% increase over three years that’s mostly attributed to younger Americans, with 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identifying as LGBTQ. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, CA—Proudly announcing the arrival of the newest additions to the NASA family, top officials at the U.S. space agency welcomed a litter of Mars rovers Thursday after successfully breeding Perseverance with Curiosity. “We’re happy to report that Perseverance gave birth to 12 healthy, bouncing baby rovers early…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Eyes locked in on the child as she carefully approached her prey, local mother Francesca Shepherd had reportedly moved in for the kill Thursday after spotting her 5-year-old daughter’s shirt tag sticking out. According to observers, Shepherd padded silently across the carpet with the precision and killer…Read more...

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A Suffolk University-USA Today poll found that 46% of Republicans would abandon the political party as it is currently structured and join a new party if former President Trump was its leader. What do you think?Read more...

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Emily in Paris producers reportedly flew Hollywood Foreign Press members to Paris for a lavish set visit that included a $1,400-per-night hotel stay, fueling skepticism around the legitimacy of the show’s award nominations. What do you think?Read more...