The Onion

NEW YORK—Declaring that bold effort was the only way to stave off the devastating planetary effects of climate change, a new environmental initiative Tuesday reportedly called for planting 20 million new Earths. “Together we can save humanity from climate change, and even a dollar can help us grow millions of the new…Read more...

CHICAGO—Clicking rapidly through links scattered across the darkest corners of the Water Reclamation District website, Chicago resident Daniel Harris told reporters Tuesday he was sucked down an obscure internet rabbit hole learning about down-ballot candidates. “Okay, so I started out researching the big national…Read more...

NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops,”…Read more...

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Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.

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Keith Rainere, the founder of Nxivm, which has been described as a pyramid scheme, sex-trafficking operation, and a cult, will be sentenced on Tuesday after a federal jury found him guilty on all charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and posession of child pornography last year. What do you think?Read more...

BAKU, AZERBAIJAN—During peace talks over the long-disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh, officials from both Armenia and Azerbaijan announced Monday they would only agree to a ceasefire if it included a provision that allowed them to continue shooting missiles at each other. “After decades of conflict, I truly…Read more...

The United States reported 83,757 new Covid-19 cases on Friday and 83,718 cases on Saturday, both days surpassing the previous record of 77,300 from mid-July, which experts say will likely lead to more hospitalizations and deaths this winter. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Having lost all confidence in President Trump’s abilities, fed-up lifelong conservative Jerry Holden was planning on casting his vote for Joe Biden, family member Gina Rupert inaccurately reported Monday. “Dad has been a staunch Republican for over 40 years, but he’s sick and tired of Trump and finally said…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Planning out an itinerary for the next time it was in the area, a wildfire was reportedly hard at work Monday making a list of spots to hit on its return trip to California next summer. “I’ve been to a lot of the national forests at this point, but I could really see myself making my way to San…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Congratulating the natural satellite for moving on to new and exciting opportunities, NASA announced Monday that the moon would be leaving Earth’s orbit to take on a position with a bigger planet at the end of the month. “This is obviously a bittersweet moment since we’ve had such a wonderful longstanding…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Addressing criticism about the film during a press junket in support of its streaming release, director Aaron Sorkin told reporters Monday that he stood by taking liberties with a scene in The Trial Of The Chicago 7 in which every member of the group announces their unequivocal endorsement of Joe Biden.…Read more...

OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps?Read more...

ARLINGTON,TX—Praising the cartilaginous fish for embodying the spirit of Tampa, the Rays awarded the ceremonial first pitch of World Series Game 3 to the stingray who killed Steve Irwin. “This stingray is a pillar of the community, he’s stuck with us through some tough times, so it’s only right to honor the fish who…Read more...

According to a study from the personal finance company Bankrate, the average overdraft fee in the U.S. this year is $33.47, an $0.11 increase from 2019 and the highest level on record. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis.Read more...

TAMPA, FL— Expressing concerns that he would have to say something soon, local man Alec Coles told reporters Friday he felt like his girlfriend hadn’t been putting any effort into his appearance lately. “Krista hasn’t bought a new dress shirt or pair of nice slacks for me in months,” said Coles, recalling how he was…Read more...

NEW YORK—Mumbling the words “old age” and “in his sleep” as he thrashed and screamed wildly, illusionist David Blaine reportedly woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare Friday in which he died of natural causes. “Oh my God, that was terrible; it really felt like I was on my deathbed, passing away painlessly and…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a nation mired in a deadly pandemic, mass civilian street actions, widespread environmental degradation, and collapsing institutions under the fourth year of Donald Trump’s presidency, it had become clear to sources Friday that Bob Dylan was not exactly rising to the occasion as far as his current protest…Read more...

Scientists at the Netherlands Cancer Institute have found a previously unknown set of salivary glands that sit behind the nose and help moisten the upper throat, a discovery they say was made accidentally while examining a new kind of cancer imaging technology. What do you think?Read more...

MIAMI—Struggling to mentally close herself off from the recently deceased skeptic, local psychic Rosemary Shanley confirmed Thursday she was already sick of James Randi’s specter haunting her place of business and ragging on her from the afterlife. “I’m sitting here with my crystal ball trying to see into the future,…Read more...

The Fast & Furious movie franchise will officially end after the 10th and 11th films, bringing to a close the action series that has generated $5.7 billion worldwide since it began in 2001. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Cracking open a Coors Light as he lit his charcoal grill, Eagles fan Anthony Marcus reportedly started tailgating at 9 a.m. Thursday ahead of the custody hearing for his 8-month-old daughter. “I always like to get together with the boys and throw back a few cold ones before the afternoon trial starts,”…Read more...

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JOHNSTON, IA—In a difficult and emotionally taxing rite of passage, local farmer’s child Owen Morrison, 10, was reportedly forced Thursday to slaughter a pumpkin he had spent all season caring for. “I’ve been looking after this sweet little guy for months, and I really love it, but dad says we need to butcher it if we…Read more...

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Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good.

TOPEKA, KS—In an evidently unprovoked statement, Kansas National Guard Brigadier General Anthony V. Mohatt announced Thursday that the Kansas National Guard was ready to defend against attacks on Kansas at any time. “From the rolling hills of the east to the sweeping plains of the west, the Kansas National Guard is in…Read more...

“The Sesame Street Podcast with Foley & Friends” debuted last week, with 15-minute episodes that focus on school-readiness skills for preschoolers and include recurring segments like “Elmo’s Joke of the Day” and a game show. What do you think?Read more...

ALTOONA, PA—Basking in delight and nostalgia as they watched the 2020 MLB World Series, the nation was reportedly glad Wednesday to see baseball players still have names like Mookie Betts. “There are very few things you can count on in this life, so seeing that there are still baseball players out there hustling in…Read more...

NASA’s OSIRIS-REx spacecraft approached the asteroid Bennu and used a robotic arm to collect a sample from its surface on Tuesday, marking the second time humans have made contact with an asteroid. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that the end of the pandemic may be in sight, epidemiological experts predicted Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine could be ready as soon as a team of sled dogs could transport it across the wild tundras of the Yukon. “We’re thrilled to announce that significant progress has been made in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to triple check the location of their local polling place and be ready to harass those around them, the Trump campaign reminded supporters Wednesday to avoid being blindsided this Nov. 3 by making a voting intimidation plan. “This election day, don’t just roll out of bed, make sure you’ve…Read more...

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FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Expressing concern that he’s already out of the playoff hunt after a brutal 2-4 start to the season, injured Jets quarterback Sam Darnold was reportedly annoyed Wednesday after forgetting to bench himself on his fantasy team this past week. “Dammit, I’ve actually been meaning to sit myself for weeks,…Read more...

YONKERS, NY—Touting the groundbreaking discovery as the deal of a lifetime, paleontologists from Columbia University announced Wednesday that they had unearthed a rare, mint-condition triceratops skull in a bin at a local Goodwill. “We have uncovered what we believe to be one of the earliest ceratopsid skulls still in…Read more...

Dating back to 1903, the World Series is a long and storied championship unlike any other in professional sports. As either the Los Angeles Dodgers or Tampa Bay Rays prepare to enter the history books, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest teams in World Series history.

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If elected president, Joe Biden can nominate up to 15 cabinet members to advise him on executive departments. The Onion looks at the most rumored choices for Biden’s inner circle.

PORTAGE, WI—Increasing his scrutiny of the presidential candidates as the election approached, local highly informed voter Mark Stippley told reporters Wednesday that he has spent weeks studying Trump and Biden yard signs. “I know how important this election is and I don’t want to go in to vote uninformed, so I’ve…Read more...

Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life.Read more...

WEST VALLEY CITY, UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth, Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about. “This might look bad, but I can assure you that this growth poses absolutely no…Read more...

Archaeologists in Peru have discovered the 121-foot-long figure of a cat etched into a hillside within the UNESCO World Heritage Site known as the Nazca Lines, a collection of lines and geoglyphs made by ancient people that spans over 174 square miles. What do you think?Read more...

TSA screened over one million airline passengers on Sunday, the highest single day total since the pandemic began in March, though air travel overall is down 48% compared to a year ago. What do you think?Read more...

HAMRIN MOUNTAINS, IRAQ—Exasperated by the stress of being constantly uprooted, ISIS brat Abu Hamza al-Ahmed confessed Tuesday he hates the ordeal of changing schools whenever his father, a commander in the Islamic State, receives a new deployment. “It really sucks, because right when I start to settle in and make…Read more...

PHOENIX—Unwilling to entertain the idea of a brighter future, local cynic Kevin Schwertman confirmed Tuesday that he knew electing Joe Biden president wouldn’t actually solve the fundamental problem of his plantar fasciitis. “Look, I would love if Biden could wave a wand and put an end to my plantar fasciitis, but…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Saying the business was going to have to prove itself if it wants to hang with the big dogs, representatives of Imperial Garden Shopping Center confirmed Tuesday that Smith Optics, a new glasses store that just opened up, was going to have to earn its place on the strip mall’s roadside sign. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,…Read more...