The Onion

LOS ANGELES—In a late-breaking development currently throwing the entire street into a tizzy, sources confirmed Tuesday that someone needs to stop that man. “ Police! Anybody—he’s getting away,” said witness Lisa Oh, noting that the horrid man was rapidly disappearing down the block and would soon be out of sight.…Read more...

XI’AN, CHINA—Characterizing the third-century B.C. collection as not a tomb but an artist’s personal scrap heap, a team of historians confirmed Tuesday that the famed Terra-Cotta Army was the result of a perfectionist sculptor fucking up a single soldier statue thousands of times in an attempt to get it right. “The…Read more...

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Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has been blocked from Instagram for repeatedly sharing false information about the coronavirus and its vaccine as well as spreading conspiracy theories about Bill Gates and the world food supply. What do you think?Read more...

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VANCOUVER, WA—Unable to shake off an overall negative feeling he couldn’t attribute to anything in particular, local man Paul Carpenter confirmed Monday that something about the way society was exposed as a complete illusion over the past year was really getting him down today. “Maybe it’s just quarantine talking, but…Read more...

BOSTON, MA—Eyes darting across the chat window as they strained to divide their attention between the speakers, Certech Consulting employees reportedly watched in horror during a Monday morning video meeting as two coworkers who began talking at the same time just kept powering through. “Oh God, it’s been too long for…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to recognize the brave sacrifices they made during the Jan. 6 riot, the New York City Police Benevolent Association reportedly honored Monday those law enforcement officers who were injured carrying out the Capitol attack. “When we reflect on the events of that day, let us not forget the scores…Read more...

SAN RAFAEL, CA—Sighing and shaking her head as speech bubbles rapidly popped up on her messaging app, 32-year-old Clarissa Johnston told reporters Monday that a happy birthday text to her mother had spiraled into a whole conversation. “All I wanted was to tell her to have a great day, but now it’s snowballed out of…Read more...

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The release of Framing Britney Spears, a documentary about the music icon’s experience in a conservatorship, has caused many to reexamine her career and its coverage by the media. The Onion looks at key moments in Britney Spears’ career.

ATLANTA—Tempering his criticism of modern-day stars like Donovan Mitchell, Shaquille O’Neal reassured NBA players Friday that his baseless cheap shots always come from a good place. “I want guys to know if I ever call you a ‘grimy stain on the game of basketball,’ I’m only trying to motivate you,” said O’Neal during a…Read more...

Yoshiro Mori, the president of the Tokyo 2020 Olympics, will step down from his position after remarks he made about women during a board of trustees meeting were leaked to the public last week. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In an address Friday in which he urged immediate action to prevent his entire civilization from breaking apart, the melting king of Glacieria pleaded with members of the U.N. General Assembly to intensify their efforts to combat climate change. “Along every ice shelf, we watch as our whole way of life…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the update “long overdue,” the Occupational Safety and Health Administration announced Friday that the agency had revamped the forklift certification process to feature a halfpipe portion. “We want to ensure that all forklift operators are able to safely perform cool kickflips, heelflips, tail…Read more...

An extremely rare yellow lobster caught along the Maine coast has been donated to the University of New England, which has named the unique crustacean “Banana.” What do you think?Read more...

An Atlanta Krispy Kreme doughnut shop belonging to Shaquille O’Neal, who also acts as a spokesperson for the franchise, was heavily damaged in a fire Wednesday morning. What do you think?Read more...

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Gamers, this is bad. This is really bad. We don’t know how this happened exactly, but we were just playing a game of Super Mario Party a few minutes ago when Mario and Yoshi used a warp box at the same time and...dear God—emerged onto the board as a horrifying, fused monstrosity.

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CHINO HILLS, CA—Saying that the rookie point guard has more than earned the opportunity, LaVar Ball claimed Thursday that his son, LaMelo, was unhappy about being left off the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players Of All Time list. “He’d never say it to his coaches or teammates, but I know my son thinks he deserved to be on that…Read more...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers celebrated their Super Bowl LV win over the Kansas City Chiefs on Wednesday with a boat parade along the Hillsborough River. What do you think?Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the innovation as the next step in developing the workplace of the future, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled rows of artificial wombs to reporters Thursday after announcing the company would begin manufacturing all its own employees in house. “Utilizing proprietary embryonic technologies and astounding…Read more...

Get ready to experience a roller coaster of emotions, Sony diehards. In a press conference early Thursday morning, the Japanese console maker ushered in the end of an era with the bittersweet announcement that they will stop production of the PlayStation 5.

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President Biden announced this week that the U.S. will end support for the war in Yemen, although the complex nature of the conflict and America’s involvement leave many questions unanswered. The Onion looks at a timeline of America’s involvement in Yemen.

NEW YORK—According to a new poll released Wednesday, Andrew Yang was reportedly leading the New York City mayoral race after flipping off residents and telling them to suck his dick. “I believe that every New Yorker, regardless of who you are or where you live, has the right to suck on these fat nuts,” said Yang, who…Read more...

CLEVELAND—As he paced around the apartment muttering about the military-industrial complex and nefarious Cold War policy initiatives, sources confirmed Wednesday that local boyfriend Kyle Palmer was upset about something the U.S. government did in the 1970s. “He’s completely incensed, going on and on about how the CIA…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging the public in the strongest possible terms to avoid the hypothetical armaments, health officials across the country issued a statement Tuesday warning against getting zapped by any sort of futuristic space gun. “We recommend that Americans do everything in their power to prevent being hit by any…Read more...

PALM BEACH, FL—Breaking down under pressure while watching the Senate trial on television, a flustered Donald Trump reportedly confessed Wednesday that he only murdered his mistress because he loved her. “Alright, alright, I did it—but only because I was scared she was going to leave me,” said Trump, who delivered the…Read more...

SANTA MARIA, CA—Leaving local community members shocked and heartbroken, a botched autopsy performed at Marian Regional Medical Center Wednesday had reportedly brought a murder victim back to life. “I realized his heart had started beating, and I knew I had made a terrible mistake,” said pathologist Dr. Kenneth Lepp,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Donald Trump’s attorneys argued Wednesday that the former president spoke metaphorically on Jan. 6 before the Capitol riots while telling supporters to rip the chamber doors off of their hinges and crush Nancy Pelosi’s skull. “While addressing the crowd on the National Mall, Donald Trump was only speaking…Read more...

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NEW YORK—According to a new report issued Tuesday by the United Nations Development Programme, were it not for the Covid-19 pandemic, you would be enjoying a pleasant, carefree ride on a carousel right now. “We found irrefutable evidence that in a hypothetical scenario in which the coronavirus outbreak has never…Read more...

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KANSAS CITY—Vowing to turn the heartbreaking Super Bowl defeat into something productive, Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes told sources Tuesday that he is using this loss as motivation to start appreciating what is actually important in life. “This is really going to light a fire under my ass to kick back, enjoy…Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Apologizing for what it described as a regrettable lapse in editorial judgment, The New England Journal Of Teen Medicine retracted a flawed study Tuesday that had put forward evidence suggesting it was impossible to get pregnant the first time you had sex. “We conducted a formal review of the study after…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Visibly exhausted from his hours-long binge, Christopher Nolan was reportedly still no closer to understanding the end of Tenet Tuesday after watching dozens of YouTube explainer videos. “Wait, so what the hell was that turnstile thingy?” said Nolan, pausing a 35-minute long video and rubbing his eyes as…Read more...

Paul Grisham, 91, has been reunited with the wallet he lost while working as a U.S. Navy meteorologist in Antarctica in 1967 after it was discovered hidden behind a locker at McMurdo Station. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Stating that the pop star had made great strides in managing her mental health, the nation’s media outlets reported Monday that Britney Spears was well enough to be released back into their sole custody. “We think the singer has achieved a level of mental fitness to once again be placed completely in the…Read more...

BOSTON—Calling it one of the most meaningful purchases a person ever makes, romance etiquette experts told reporters Monday that it was customary to spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on a Valentine’s Day teddy bear for one’s significant other. “If you’re serious about asking someone to be your Valentine,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Wiping tears of joy from their eyes while describing an emotional early-morning commute, onlookers told reporters Monday that they’d realized the beauty of love again after seeing a dead-eyed man swiping right on every Tinder profile. “I don’t know if it was the way he was blowing through women without even…Read more...

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LACONIA, NH—Riding high off the casual bet he placed on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, local man Josh Hibbert confirmed Monday that he was hoping to turn his $250 Super Bowl winnings into an all-encompassing hunger that would ruin his entire life. “This was a nice, surprising little windfall, and I think it would be fun to…Read more...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV on Sunday, with a final score of 31 to 9 against the Kansas City Chiefs. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the structures along the city’s sidewalks had adopted technology that appeared to come from at least 200 years in the future, local restaurant patrons observed Monday that outdoor dining solutions were now the most technologically advanced aspect of human civilization. “Since autumn, patio service…Read more...