The Onion

TOLEDO, OH—Assuring the potential customer that his guys were their best shot at a decent deal in town, a group of men with a pickup outside Peabody Funeral Parlor told a grieving family Tuesday that they would be able to bury their grandmother for much cheaper. “Trust me, you’re gonna get hosed if you stick with the…Read more...

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Some hair donation charities that make wigs for cancer patients are experiencing an influx in donations from people who delayed haircuts during the pandemic, with one charity receiving over 90 pounds of hair from one salon. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding with swift action to the outpouring of criticism for failing to honor the late Chadwick Boseman, panicking president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences David Rubin held up Anthony Hopkins’ severed head in a Monday press conference while asking, “Does this help?” “To fans…Read more...

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Nomadland, the epic odyssey of American itinerants living out of vans as they search for work, won Best Picture at the 93rd Academy Awards while its director Chloé Zhao became the first woman of color to win Best Director. What do you think?Read more...

HOBOKEN, NEW JERSEY—Explaining how it was one of the major downsides of his job, local dock worker Edie O’Connor told reporters Monday that he feels unfair pressure to be an ornery tough guy. “Everyone sees my gruff, muscular appearance and they immediately assume that I’m some big bully when that couldn’t be further…Read more...

In today’s world of financial uncertainty, it can be hard to tell when, and how, to ever stop working. You asked The Onion your most pressing questions about retirement, and now, we have the answers.

The USDA has extended universal free school lunch through 2022 as part of efforts to smoothly reopen schools, bringing relief to millions of food-insecure families, particularly those hit hardest during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

LEXINGTON, KY—In response to the abrupt change to the day’s schedule, students at Landon Middle School in Lexington, KY were reportedly excited Monday after their teacher announced class would be held outside while police investigated a school shooting. “Sitting outside in the sun is so much better than being locked…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Screaming in terror at the approaching hordes of hissing, red-eyed former celebrities, attendees at the 93rd Academy Awards fled Sunday as the actors featured during the ceremony’s “In Memoriam” segment crawled out of the screen and began devouring Gary Oldman. “Oh Christ, now Aaron Sorkin’s lying in a…Read more...

Former Reading Rainbow host and Star Trek: The Next Generation star LeVar Burton will guest host Jeopardy! this summer after a fan petition asking calling on the show to hire him garnered nearly 250,000 signatures. What do you think?Read more...

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ORLAND PARK, IL—After spending over a year restricting their trips away from home to only those that were necessary, the Myers family informed reporters Friday that their first vaccinated outing was kind of a bust. “It took forever to get the kids out the door, then our table wasn’t ready, then the food arrived late,…Read more...

SAXONBURG, OH—Saying his naïve views failed to account for the unique difficulties of law enforcement, sources confirmed Friday that Charles Laurent, a man who criticized police tactics, did not have any idea what it was like to wake up every day and do a job that put lives in danger. “Unless you’re actually out there…Read more...

VICTORIA, KS—Expressing concerns about her role in negatively impacting the planet, a local cow on her way to be slaughtered Friday was reportedly fretting about her personal contributions to climate change. “When I consider all the ozone-depleting methane I carelessly emitted over the course of my lifetime, it makes…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Holding a press conference with their hairless scalps proudly exposed, the nation’s bald citizens Friday demanded that people stop using their heads as bongos. “For too long, America’s bald men have stood silently as friends, family, and random children slapped their palms against their head to play a…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Kicking off the company’s much-anticipated spring product launch, Apple CEO Tim Cook used a widely viewed virtual event this week to unveil the brand-new air fryer he got for Christmas. “Today we stand at the dawn of a new era in convenient home cooking,” Cook said during a live stream in which he…Read more...

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Whole Foods is testing a new payment system called Amazon One that enables store registers to scan the customer’s palm print, linking it to their debit or credit card as an additional contactless payment option. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging national leaders to “tread carefully,” top experts from the Council on Foreign Relations warned Thursday that acknowledging the Armenian genocide could risk drawing the U.S. into WWI. “The mass killings of the Armenian people was a tragedy, but we fear acknowledging the ethnic cleansing of one…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the United States could not stand idly by while such a grave injustice occurred on the world stage, President Joe Biden announced plans Thursday to send troops to liberate Afghanistan from the U.S. “For far too long, the people of Afghanistan have been at the mercy of a foreign invader, and…Read more...

Steven Soderbergh, director of the Ocean’s 11 franchise and Erin Brockovich, will be co-producing this Sunday’s 93rd Academy Awards ceremony, employing several cinematic techniques to update the show and make it “feel like a film.” What do you think?Read more...

Yikes, well, we’ve got some pretty terrifying news. Shigeru Miyamoto has just confirmed that every Nintendo Switch on Earth is wired with explosives to detonate if his heart stops for any reason.Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Boasting a functioning door and a cardboard box with free bandages, sources at the University of Kansas confirmed Thursday that the training gym and locker room for its NCAA female athletes were three loose garbage bags next to a couple old lawn chairs. “This facility is one of the best in college women’s…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—In an effort to attract new residents to the city, Milwaukee rolled out a new campaign Thursday promoting itself as a hip, affordable place to live with all the police brutality of Chicago. “As one of the top up-and-coming midsize cities in America with great restaurants, an amazing entertainment district,…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE—Shedding new light on the breeding patterns of the species, an oceanography study published Thursday by Harvard scientists revealed that salmon complete their annual transatlantic voyage using the same teleportation chamber as their ancestors. “This discovery helps solve the mystery of how these fish are…Read more...

CHICAGO—In an effort to ensure all discarded plastic, metal, and glass is properly processed, the City of Chicago introduced a new recycling program Thursday that requires residents to sort, sanitize, melt, re-form, label, and fill bottles before placing them in a bin. “Starting today, all recyclable materials must be…Read more...

A 25-year-long study found that people who sleep less than an average of six hours a night in middle age are 30% more likely to develop dementia when they are older. What do you think?Read more...

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TUSCALOOSA, AL—Saying that they wanted to make an example out of the 2020 College Football Playoffs winner, the NCAA fined Alabama football players Thursday for receiving championship rings as gifts. “This is a flagrant violation of NCAA policy and we have no choice but to penalize these careless student athletes,”…Read more...

CODY, WY—Referring to the rapper and designer’s latest effort as derivative and lacking the spark present at the start of his career, critics slammed Kanye West for his divorce response Wednesday for blatantly sampling Kim Kardashian’s divorce petition. “Sure, he chopped up the part about spousal support, but you can…Read more...

A new “anti-riot” bill in Florida has been signed into law, enhancing penalties during a protest that authorities can classify as a “riot” in broad terms and offering civil immunity to drivers who hit protesters. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suggesting a disturbing pattern of behavior stretching back decades, the Federal Bureau of Investigation announced Wednesday that convicted murderer Derek Chauvin closely matches the profile of a mysterious blue-uniformed killer behind hundreds more unsolved slayings nationwide. “The suspect’s M.O. is…Read more...

NEW YORK—As increasingly panicked authorities worried that even the Oscars wouldn’t slow down the delirious phenomenon rapidly sweeping the country, several reports confirmed Wednesday that the nation was unable to quell its insatiable appetite for all things Mank. “Frankly, we’re in the midst of a Mank mania right…Read more...

WEST YELLOWSTONE, MT—Squinting to make out the small text on the sign before him, local father Brian Chamberlin was reportedly explaining the geologic concept of geysers to his family Wednesday as if he was not reading straight from the National Park’s wayside exhibit. “Geysers, like the one you have here, are an…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the lack of cooperation that has left U.S. species struggling with massive inefficiencies, the Environmental Protection Agency announced Wednesday it hoped to streamline ecosystem performance by hosting the nation’s organisms at a series of team-building meet-and-greet lunches. “Right now, there…Read more...

President Biden recently received criticism for announcing that he would not raise the cap on the number of refugees admitted to the U.S. as part of the nation’s resettlement program, shining a spotlight on a institution many Americans don’t know much about. The Onion answers common questions about the U.S. refugee…Read more...

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services has begun undoing a Trump-era ban on clinics referring women for abortions, a policy that has resulted in 1.5 million fewer women receiving care and contributed to an estimated 180,000 unintended pregnancies. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN—Boasting that the system used 75% less power than normal cars and could be installed on almost any street corner with 400 square feet of free space, Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled a new urban slingshot system Wednesday that he claimed was capable of of moving up to six pedestrians across the street per hour.…Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Shaken by the guilty verdict delivered in the trial of Derek Chauvin, local police officer Edward Margolin took comfort Tuesday by remembering that this outcome wasn’t representative of the system at large. “Moments like this can be tough, but it helps to take a step back and remember that this is the…Read more...