The Onion

NEW YORK—Upon concluding the business was in violation of the federal Chill Vibes Act, the U.S. Ambience Protection Agency issued a fine Wednesday to local restaurant Chez Bistro, which regulators said had contributed to the destruction of mood through its extensive reliance on fluorescent lights. “Chez Bistro…Read more...

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Running alongside the American Humvees and armored vehicles with their arms overflowing with parting gifts, the teary-eyed Afghani populace waved farewell to U.S. troops Wednesday while thanking them most of all for teaching the country how to love. “Your people brought peace and prosperity to our…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to avoid any unnecessary ambiguity, speechwriter James Kessler helpfully let audiences know that he was talking about “these United States,” sources confirmed Wednesday. “I should probably clarify which particular group of united states we’re talking about here,” said Kessler, making a note on…Read more...

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing frustration with the matriarch’s feigned affection, local man Andrew Reed was slighted Wednesday by his supposedly loving grandmother, Edna, who couldn’t even be bothered to remember his name, age, or job. “I call bullshit on this whole ‘unconditional love’ thing if you can’t even remember…Read more...

Texas state lawmakers have approved a bill prohibiting foods that don’t contain animal products from using words like “meat” or “beef” on their labels in an effort to prevent misleading consumers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying he could probably just sit at the back and dose off without anyone bothering him, slacker congressman Scott Chrysler told reporters Wednesday he was praying to get a bullshit assignment this term, like the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis. “Are you kidding me? Climate Crisis? That’s a…Read more...

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FENTON, MI—In a bid to protect what many are calling a vital part of the town’s character, a neighborhood in Fenton, MI held a public rally Friday to demand that a decades-old pothole be designated a historic landmark. “Down at City Hall, they’re talking about getting rid of the pothole completely and putting one of…Read more...

A new South Carolina law will force death row inmates to choose between execution by electric chair or firing squad as lawmakers attempt to cope with a shortage of lethal injection drugs. What do you think?Read more...

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Tossing the garment on a piece of rubble so it would look like an honest accident, U.S. military leaders left a scarf behind on their way out of the country Tuesday so they would have an excuse to go back later. “We just want a little reason to pop back in without looking too pathetic,” said General…Read more...

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In 1916, Woodrow Wilson signed the National Parks Service into law, which now spans 30 states and 84 million acres of land. Here is the surprising history behind America’s national parks.Read more...

KNOXVILLE, TN—In response to the brood’s reemergence after lying dormant since 2004, several area insects reportedly said, “Wow, hope you had a nice 17 years off,” to a group of periodical cicadas Tuesday, expressing annoyance over being forced during the prolonged absence to torment humans on their own. “You…Read more...

Indian authorities have launched an inquiry after a herd of 18 Asiatic elephants were found dead in Assam, with a preliminary report stating that lightning strikes were a possible cause. What do you think?Read more...

In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to reckon with its own responsibility as the world’s foremost news media titan…Read more...

A federal judge has blocked the National Rifle Association from filing for bankruptcy protection, ruling that it was a bad-faith attempt to fend off a lawsuit by the New York attorney general for financial abuses. What do you think?Read more...

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Ever since the release of Metroid: Samus Returns in 2017, series diehards have been rabidly awaiting any hint about the next installment in this iconic franchise. Well, Nintendo fans, you’re going to want to buckle up because—ah shit. Gamers, we’re just remembering we signed an NDA. Let us check the fine print real…Read more...

MARINA DEL REY, CA—Aiming to reduce the ongoing household conflict, local woman Alice Jordan reportedly acquired an eighth cat Monday in the hopes of easing tensions between the first seven. “Things have been pretty difficult around here, especially since Cupcake and Egg formed their own bloc to fight against the…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Unveiling a new policy to relinquish control of thousands of settlements, Israeli government officials reportedly returned the occupied territories to Palestinians Monday after running out of targets to hit in Gaza. “Effective immediately, we are returning land in the West Bank, Golan Heights, and east…Read more...

Heralded as a rougher brand of football, fans quickly lost interest when they realized the brain damage inflicted on players wasn’t any more intense than that done in the NFL.Read more...

A tourist was temporarily stuck clinging to a 330-foot-high glass suspension bridge in Northeast China when gale-force winds swept away several panels, raising public concern over the safety of other glass bridges and viewing decks. What do you think?Read more...

NILES, IL—Basking in the majesty of the municipal golf course, local man James Carrol exclaimed, “This is what it’s all about, boys” Monday, just an hour before a complete mental breakdown on the sixth hole. “I’m out on the course with my best boys, drinking beers and listening to jams,” said Carroll, who would soon…Read more...

NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. “It’s been a while, so I figure by…Read more...

Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received at least one dose of the Covid-19 vaccine. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON, TX—Warning that the escaped animal was highly intelligent and a master of deceit, Houston authorities scrambled Friday when a missing tiger named India disappeared into a crowd of tigers. “After four days straight of searching for a loose bengal tiger, our search efforts hit a snag today when he cut across a…Read more...

As a remake of some of the most beloved sci-fi RPGs of all time, Mass Effect Legendary Edition drew some healthy skepticism from series fans. The original titles remain timeless examples of western role-playing, making it difficult to imagine a re-release doing anything but tarnishing their legacy. Thankfully, we’re…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America’s reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to invade Mt. Olympus and steal the mythic bag of wind from the God Aeolus. “We know that climate change is real, and we must combat this existential…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn’t believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about being a 5-2 betting odds favorite in the Preakness Stakes. “That son of a bitch wasn’t even in the race,” said the young thoroughbred, who shook her head at a…Read more...

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Wondering if it was too late to cancel the album rollout, a visibly humiliated J. Cole listened to The Off-Season Friday and asked, “Oh my God, is that seriously what my voice sounds like?” “I can’t believe y’all let me record a whole project without telling me to fix this,” said Cole, who assumed his…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Slowly zooming in on the precancerous growth while it hissed and screeched, local gastroenterologist Gary Weiss reportedly watched in horror Friday as a polyp skittered in front of the colonoscopy camera just as the screen went black. “What in God’s name? That can’t be possible,” Weiss said to his medical…Read more...

JAY-Z, the Go-Go’s, and Tina Turner are among this year’s Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees, the most diverse lineup in the organization’s history. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Lauding the 22-year-old for her commitment to serving her community, sources confirmed Friday that local Taco Bell employee Nicole Cortez has had a far greater positive impact on people’s lives than any firefighter ever could. “Sure, there are plenty of firefighters who have rushed into a burning building to…Read more...

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DETROIT—Dashing any hope he had for the upcoming season, Lions fan Paul Benson told reporters Thursday that Detroit was “so screwed” after seeing they got matched up against other teams again. “Ah, shit, this season is gonna suck,” said Benson upon realizing that the Lions would face other NFL teams multiple weeks in…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with his own burner account on social media. “At first, KD just wanted to tell his burner why he left the Warriors, but things got pretty ugly,” said Nets beat…Read more...

House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims about the presidential election being stolen. What do you think?Read more...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson’s laser tag birthday party confirmed Thursday that they were not prepared for how hard his dad, Larry, was going to bring it. “I figured he was just going out to…Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Engaged in a heated discussion with friends Thursday, local man Evan Staub was reportedly unaware that the long-held opinion he was voicing about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict had been retained verbatim from a 1997 Miss America contestant’s answer to a pageant interview question. “Sadly, there’s been…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Clarifying newly relaxed CDC guidelines, White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters Thursday that there was no longer a need for statues to wear masks outside. “The science has shown that the virus does not spread easily outdoors, so if you are a concrete statue standing at the center of a…Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—In a long-overdue move to help modernize clinical practices, the American Psychological Association announced Thursday plans to update their Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to stop classifying adult Disney fandom as a form of psychopathy. “For decades, theses…Read more...

The Onion takes a look back at some of the most notorious, heinous, and downright idiotic crimes committed in all 50 states of America.Read more...

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PRINCETON, NJ—Dispelling long-held notions that the trip was conducted to map newly acquired U.S. territory in the West, Princeton University historians confirmed Thursday that Meriwether Lewis and William Clark set out on their legendary expedition mainly to justify the purchase of a lot of expensive camping…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—With GOP membership rolls completely empty, leading conservatives reportedly began to panic Monday after every single American who identifies as a Republican was ousted from the party for showing insufficient loyalty to former President Donald Trump. “It’s terrifying, because we’ve suddenly realized the…Read more...