The Onion

TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Brandishing a microphone while pursuing the invasive fish along a babbling brook, filmmaker Michael Moore reportedly questioned an Asian carp on its role in destroying local ecosystems for an as-yet untitled nature documentary, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Sir? Sir, why are you evading the question—y…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Expressing relief that the winter activity wasn’t nearly as hard as it looked, local man Noah Maxwell was reportedly really getting the hang of clutching the wall Wednesday during his first time ever ice skating. “At first, I was pretty nervous, but after getting a few fundamentals down, I realized the trick…Read more...

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Patriots head coach Bill Belichick says he will not accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, citing the deadly Capitol riots incited by President Trump last week. What do you think?Read more...

President Trump’s role in his supporters storming the Capitol on January 6 has driven unprecedented calls for a second impeachment among some congressional leaders, while others have cautioned against the move so late into his term. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching Trump in the last days of his…Read more...

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Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.Read more...

Three of the original stars of HBO’s Sex And The City will reprise their roles for a reboot of the series 17 years after it went off the air, though the show’s fourth lead, Kim Cattrall, will not be returning. What do you think?Read more...

VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the…Read more...

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Greeting card company Hallmark, whose PAC donated $3,000 to Josh Hawley (R-MO) and $5,000 to Roger Marshall (R-KS) for their 2020 Senate races, is asking for their campaign contributions back, saying the senators’ objections to the election certification “do not reflect our company’s values.” What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Concluding that the museum was now the country’s most praiseworthy, distinguishing feature, the United States reportedly resolved Tuesday that being home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would serve as the new foundation for American exceptionalism. “While our claim to be the world’s foremost democracy is…Read more...

ARTESIA, NM—Still shaken after a surprise encounter with the 37-year-old educator, local first-grader Micah Dunn was reportedly weirded out Tuesday after bumping into his teacher outside of his laptop. “Mrs. Evans was walking around without moving out of frame—it was super weird,” said Dunn, who recalled feeling…Read more...

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Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.Read more...

Amazon suspended web-hosting services for Parler one day after Google and Apple removed the social networking app from their app stores for failing to regulate users’ posts that promote violence. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Wincing as each correct answer ballooned the episode’s budget, Jeopardy! producers told reporters Thursday they were now regretting their decision to make “Alex Trebek” the correct response to every clue in their first installment without the iconic host. “In retrospect, we should have just done one…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were pursuing all leads to bring the individual to justice, the FBI reported Monday that it had been able to narrow down the identity of a red-faced man carrying a Confederate flag through the U.S. Capitol Building to several million Americans. “Thanks to plentiful photographic evidence…Read more...

Senators Lisa Murkoski of Alaska and Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania say President Trump should resign after his supporters stormed the Capitol last week in an attempt to overturn the election results and assassinate members of Congress. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—With the swearing in of the 46th President scheduled to occur a mere two weeks after a mob of angry, far-right rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, the Washington, D.C. Police preemptively deployed three officers to oversee the upcoming Inauguration Day ceremonies, sources confirmed Monday. “In order to ensure…Read more...

MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique…Read more...

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Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following her decision this week to resign as President Trump’s education secretary, Betsy DeVos apologized Friday for ever being complicit with anything as toxic and reprehensible as public education. “I can no longer associate myself with an administration that, despite its many achievements, has failed…Read more...

January is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the realities and restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic are throwing many for a loop. The Onion offers advice for making new year’s resolutions during a pandemic.

WASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields, the Department of Agriculture warned Friday that 2021 would see a 37% decline the soybean harvest following reports of an albino calf being stillborn in rural Idaho. “This is an ominous portent,…Read more...

READING, PA—Struggling to find a spot in his home in which the memento didn’t look mismatched or out of place, local pro-Trump riot participant Peter Bruckner, 43, told reporters Friday he was still trying to figure out what to do with his looted Devin Nunes. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great piece of memorabilia,…Read more...

MEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter account remained eerily silent Friday in an apparent show of support for pro-Trump rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol building. “While most Americans were expressing their shock and dismay about this…Read more...

Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat, nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the mob’s timing “absolutely unacceptable,” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) condemned pro-Trump rioters Thursday for upstaging his own theatrics. “Yesterday, I was shocked and disappointed to see a destructive mob break through the Capitol building’s security and overshadow my own planned grandstanding,”…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the American people’s message had been heard loud and clear, Democratic Party leadership released a statement Thursday stating that the nation had given them a clear mandate to squander. “Last night, we received an undeniable victory from voters that made one thing abundantly clear: The time for…Read more...

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PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Referring to the event as a simple, no-frills detonation among close friends, state officials confirmed Thursday the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea recently held a quiet, low-key nuclear test just for itself. “To be honest, it doesn’t really matter how the international community responds…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking from their legal practices in stripmalls, back alleys, and Holiday Inn guest suites, the nation’s most insane-looking lawyers enthusiastically volunteered their services on Thursday to any Trump supporters who participated in the Capitol riots. “Make no mistake, we will passionately represent the…Read more...

Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom.Read more...

LAKEWAY, TX—Noting how long it had been since he had really gotten to relax and unplug, local Trump supporter Brian Fischer told reporters Wednesday he would be excited to finally disengage with politics once the overthrow of the government was complete. “I’m telling you, as soon as Washington burns and our vicious…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reassuring the rap artist that they would get around to him in due course, the nation told Canadian rapper Drake Wednesday that they would get around to looking at his new haircut when things were less hectic. “We can tell that you’re excited to share your new look with everyone, but frankly, Drake, this is…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election Wednesday by unleashing a wave of locusts from his mouth to black out the sun. “We must do everything we can to stop Democrats from taking control of the…Read more...

The coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine even expiring before they can be used, leading to concerns about what’s holding up distribution. The Onion investigates the reasons behind the delay of the vaccine distribution:

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WASHINGTON—In response to calls for the U.S. government to do more to address Americans suffering from psychological issues, a new mental health initiative unveiled Wednesday would reportedly add 10,000 beds to the nation’s prisons. “It’s vital that Americans suffering from mental health issues have the resources they…Read more...

Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a persistent concern within the pivotal voting bloc, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that being stuck in an infinite time loop was the biggest issue for Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump voters. “Among the thousands of individuals who voted Democrat in 2012, Republican in 2016,…Read more...

ATLANTA—In an effort to keep the public abreast of the latest developments in the Covid-19 pandemic, CDC director Robert R. Redfield unveiled a list of Twitter accounts Tuesday that Americans could follow to piece together vaccine information. “Following these reporters, medical researchers, and politically engaged…Read more...

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