The Onion

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that the end of the pandemic may be in sight, epidemiological experts predicted Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine could be ready as soon as a team of sled dogs could transport it across the wild tundras of the Yukon. “We’re thrilled to announce that significant progress has been made in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to triple check the location of their local polling place and be ready to harass those around them, the Trump campaign reminded supporters Wednesday to avoid being blindsided this Nov. 3 by making a voting intimidation plan. “This election day, don’t just roll out of bed, make sure you’ve…Read more...

Read more...

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Expressing concern that he’s already out of the playoff hunt after a brutal 2-4 start to the season, injured Jets quarterback Sam Darnold was reportedly annoyed Wednesday after forgetting to bench himself on his fantasy team this past week. “Dammit, I’ve actually been meaning to sit myself for weeks,…Read more...

YONKERS, NY—Touting the groundbreaking discovery as the deal of a lifetime, paleontologists from Columbia University announced Wednesday that they had unearthed a rare, mint-condition triceratops skull in a bin at a local Goodwill. “We have uncovered what we believe to be one of the earliest ceratopsid skulls still in…Read more...

Dating back to 1903, the World Series is a long and storied championship unlike any other in professional sports. As either the Los Angeles Dodgers or Tampa Bay Rays prepare to enter the history books, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest teams in World Series history.

Read more...

If elected president, Joe Biden can nominate up to 15 cabinet members to advise him on executive departments. The Onion looks at the most rumored choices for Biden’s inner circle.

PORTAGE, WI—Increasing his scrutiny of the presidential candidates as the election approached, local highly informed voter Mark Stippley told reporters Wednesday that he has spent weeks studying Trump and Biden yard signs. “I know how important this election is and I don’t want to go in to vote uninformed, so I’ve…Read more...

Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life.Read more...

WEST VALLEY CITY, UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth, Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about. “This might look bad, but I can assure you that this growth poses absolutely no…Read more...

Archaeologists in Peru have discovered the 121-foot-long figure of a cat etched into a hillside within the UNESCO World Heritage Site known as the Nazca Lines, a collection of lines and geoglyphs made by ancient people that spans over 174 square miles. What do you think?Read more...

TSA screened over one million airline passengers on Sunday, the highest single day total since the pandemic began in March, though air travel overall is down 48% compared to a year ago. What do you think?Read more...

HAMRIN MOUNTAINS, IRAQ—Exasperated by the stress of being constantly uprooted, ISIS brat Abu Hamza al-Ahmed confessed Tuesday he hates the ordeal of changing schools whenever his father, a commander in the Islamic State, receives a new deployment. “It really sucks, because right when I start to settle in and make…Read more...

PHOENIX—Unwilling to entertain the idea of a brighter future, local cynic Kevin Schwertman confirmed Tuesday that he knew electing Joe Biden president wouldn’t actually solve the fundamental problem of his plantar fasciitis. “Look, I would love if Biden could wave a wand and put an end to my plantar fasciitis, but…Read more...

Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying the business was going to have to prove itself if it wants to hang with the big dogs, representatives of Imperial Garden Shopping Center confirmed Tuesday that Smith Optics, a new glasses store that just opened up, was going to have to earn its place on the strip mall’s roadside sign. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all.

NEW YORK—In an effort to safeguard the democratic process during a year in which a record number of ballots will be counted after election day, top TV news outlets including CNN, MSNBC, and Fox vowed Tuesday they would not prematurely declare a winner in the presidential contest unless their ratings began to drop.…Read more...

The LGBTQ Victory Fund reports that more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer candidates ran for public office this year than ever before, with 576 candidates up for election this November, a 33% increase from 2018. What do you think?Read more...

MILWAUKEE—Talking himself out of immediately killing the creature as it crawled from underneath his bed, local man Tim Wolinski was overheard Tuesday saying, “Well, they’re harmless and they help with pests,” as he decided against squashing a cat found inside his home. “Ugh, those things are so creepy, but technically…Read more...

SEATTLE—In an effort to help socially conscious subscribers avoid the judgment of their peers, Amazon reportedly began offering a new blank box upcharge Tuesday for progressive members to discreetly receive their Prime orders. “For just $3 per shipment, Amazon users who are outwardly critical of our company can have…Read more...

GREENBELT, MD—Comparing the prices of common household goods to what they were back in his younger days, local old man George Swander reportedly remembered Tuesday when things cost roughly the same as now after adjusting for inflation. “Back in my day, you see, you could get a hamburger for just 15 cents, which, when…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

The FBI has charged 6 men for plotting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer and overthrow the state government, while state authorities say they have charged 7 other men in connection to the case who sought to ignite a civil war. What do you think?Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Expressing outrage that the theater district would remain closed at least through next May, cane-wielding, top-hatted demonstrators pulled New York governor Andrew Cuomo into a kickline Friday to protest the Broadway shutdown. “Step-ball-change, step-ball-change,” chanted the scores of protestors dressed in…Read more...

WAUSAU, WI—Complaining that it was unrealistic to expect their small, grassroots terror organization to foment civil war on so many fronts at once, overwhelmed members of a local white nationalist militia stated Friday they were stretched to the limit trying to attack everyone the president wants them to. “So, just…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

ATLANTA—Promising that the Miami Marlins did not hate him and that he had done nothing wrong, Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker reminded outfielder Ronald Acuña Friday that being hit by a pitch is just how pitchers show they like-like you. “Pitchers are just like that, they’re shy and don’t always say things out…Read more...

Reports that President Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19 following days of meetings, fundraisers, and a presidential election debate are giving rise to speculation that some of his advisors and confidants may also be infected. The Onion investigates who in the White House has potentially been exposed to…Read more...

NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. “As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani,…Read more...

Read more...

The Irish Supreme Court has ruled that the loaves used to make Subway sandwiches contain too much sugar to meet the country’s legal definition of bread, and therefore does not qualify for a 0% tax rate like other staple foods. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.Read more...

CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday, this article, the one you are currently reading, has successfully padded out The Onion’s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable. “All indicators suggest this article…Read more...

SUPERIOR, CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on, area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse. “The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I’d build one, and I guess I figured that I…Read more...

CHICAGO—Scouring plays for any hint at something that could provide insight, Chicago quarterback Mitch Trubisky reportedly spent Thursday studying game tape in hopes of discovering what the Bears saw in him in the first place. “I look at my throwing mechanics and think they must be nuts, but there must have been…Read more...

A judge on Wednesday approved an $800 million settlement between MGM Resorts and more than 4,400 relatives and victims of the October 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting, with the casino paying $49 million and acknowledging no liability while its insurers cover the remaining $751 million. What do you think?Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—As it cuts from a young girl in the car with her father to a grown woman pulling on a NASA helmet as her old man proudly looks on, a TV commercial is implying some sort of link between owning a Lincoln Corsair and having a daughter who becomes an astronaut, sources confirmed Thursday. “Gotta admit I’m…Read more...

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant’s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to demand its assistance in opening an iPhone 11’s packaging. “It is absolutely imperative that Apple grant us access to the contents of this…Read more...