The Onion

CHARLESTON, SC—Saying the weapons platform’s hovering embrace was a great comfort and a source of solace in a difficult time, grieving war widow Jessica Haylock reportedly found comfort Thursday in the wings of a drone that served in Afghanistan with her late husband, USMC specialist Brandon Haylock. “After Bran died,…Read more...

DURHAM, NC—In an effort to attract one of the most sought-after prospects in the 2023 recruiting class, sources close to the Duke University basketball program revealed Thursday that scouts attempted to lure LeBron “Bronny” James Jr. to the school by offering to help pay his family’s rent and utility bills. “We want…Read more...

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Former President Trump lost his last challenge of the 2020 election results when the Supreme Court refused to hear his final appeal, bringing the total number of failed legal attempts by Trump and his allies to more than 60. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging the nation to remain vigilant in its continued commitment to utter despondency, health officials nationwide warned Wednesday that it was still too early for Americans to stop languishing in a state of unceasing despair. “We know it’s been tempting to return to a slightly more positive outlook in recent…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Searching for answers in the wake of multiple violent incidents involving the German shepherd, Secret Service agents told reporters Wednesday that they remained concerned that Major Biden’s recent behavior had been influenced by time spent on far-right dog forums. “It starts out innocently enough with…Read more...

HANOVER, NH—Touting the manuscripts as close to the author’s best work, literary critics at Dartmouth College hailed several unpublished J.D. Salinger novels Wednesday as good, but not “go out and shoot a celebrity” good. “Don’t get us wrong, there’s the same wry prose and pitch-perfect characterization of uniquely…Read more...

With PlayStation 5 supplies running low across the country, many gamers are turning to third-party vendors to access the latest and greatest in interactive entertainment. Unfortunately, online scammers out there are taking advantage of buyers like Andrew Friedman, a 33-year-old Sony diehard who thought he was getting…Read more...

ATLANTA—Reminding Americans that the pandemic was still far from over, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued new guidelines Wednesday allowing fully vaccinated people to gather indoors with the curtains drawn to reduce the spread of jealousy. “If we don’t stop the spread of envy, it could soon turn into…Read more...

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Confessing that the veteran power forward hasn’t made a significant impact on his life, Cleveland Cavaliers fan Andrew Stroud confirmed Thursday that he already knows he won’t feel a thing when Kevin Love dies. “I definitely won’t feel good about it, but don’t expect any loving tributes to his life…Read more...

An escaped prisoner in the U.K. was caught after months of evading police when he left his hideout to buy Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War, telling officers he was bored from the pandemic-related lockdown. What do you think?Read more...

PALM BEACH GARDENS, FL—Demanding the organization start at once, Donald Trump Jr. reportedly sent a letter Wednesday begging the Republican National Committee to use his likeness in fundraising materials. “You’re free to use my image as my times as you like in any medium as long as it’s front and center—in fact, I’ve…Read more...

NEW YORK—Touting the new accessory as an essential addition to any modern wardrobe, the luxury brand Coach unveiled a new petite handbag Tuesday for holding fingernails, skin flakes, and other loose detritus you pull off your body. “The latest version of our Hayden Crossbody Clutch serves as a stylish yet convenient…Read more...

The CDC released guidelines for Americans fully vaccinated against Covid-19, saying they can gather indoors with others who are vaccinated with no precautions but must still adhere to masking and social distancing in public spaces. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Targeting the series of PSAs towards communities that were skeptical of inoculation, the Centers For Disease Control launched a new ad campaign Tuesday featuring a racially offensive animated mascot in an effort to get more conservatives vaccinated. “We’re hopeful that associating the vaccine with this…Read more...

NEW YORK—In what newspaper sources described as an important corrective to a rising source of dangerous misinformation, the New York Times released an eight-part podcast series Wednesday exposing a commentator who called them irrelevant. “On October 19, 2020, a man named Tyler Whitson left a response to a report that…Read more...

METHUEN, MA—Adding credence to the longstanding supposition that your dad is a selfish piece of shit, a new report released Tuesday found that your father was probably out with one of his whores tonight. “There’s no doubt that that son-of-a-bitch is painting the town red with one of his little floozies right this…Read more...

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It may feel difficult sitting on your couch, lifting a remote, and pressing “play” to start a movie, but for the actors in front of the camera, it can be even harder. The Onion asked some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrities about their most difficult roles on and off the silver screen.

A Dutch man claims to have invented a new type of coronavirus screening that places participants into an airlocked cabin to scream or sing as an air purifier collects emitted particles to test for the virus. What do you think?Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Expressing feelings of pride after studying the language for years, local woman Reisa Diaz revealed Tuesday that she finally spoke enough Spanish to ask her grandmother for money. “Growing up, there was always a disconnect between us because I could only say ‘mas, mas, mas’ when I wanted more cash,” said…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Working to set thousands of aged and desiccated screen legends aflame, L.A. County officials carried out a controlled burn of old-growth celebrities Monday in an effort to make way for new stars. “The process can be a little startling to watch, but thinning out decaying A-listers is a crucial part of…Read more...

MONTECITO, CA—Revealing concerns within the British monarchy that a child in line to the throne might inherit a noticeably healthy glow, Meghan Markle said in a prime-time TV special Sunday that some of the royals had worried her son would be born without the family’s sickly, rancid skin. “When I was pregnant with…Read more...

The FBI arrested former Trump-appointed State Department aide Federico Klein for participating in the U.S. Capitol riot on January 6th, marking the first member of the previous administration arrested in connection to the insurrection. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—While paying a $14.25 million civil penalty imposed for releasing several thousand tons of contaminants into Texas communities, fossil fuel giant ExxonMobil reportedly threw in an extra couple million Monday as an advance on its next violation of the Clean Air Act. “These court appearances are exhausting for…Read more...

RICHMOND, VA—Regretting her decision to try and make small talk, local woman Rebecca Lockier admitted Monday that she wouldn’t have wondered aloud how microwaves work if she knew her friend Martha Kempner was going to launch into an answer. “I was trying to avoid the uncomfortable silence while my popcorn popped, but…Read more...

TAOS, NM—Arguing that incremental payments would favor the fast-food chain in the long run, ‘Taco Bell For Life” winner Jacob Lalu chose to receive his winnings Friday as a single lump meal. “The experts will tell you to get your Baja Blasts in installments, but I could really use those bad boys right now,” said Lalu,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Noting that he had wanted to reach out for the past week or two, local man Dustin Radford has been thinking about you a lot lately, sources confirmed Monday. “Yeah, I’ve just been wondering how your life is going and whether everything’s been good,” said Radford, adding that you had popped up in his mind…Read more...

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On March 7, CBS will air Oprah With Meghan And Harry: A CBS Primetime Special, a two-hour interview that will be the couple’s first since they publicly split from the U.K. royal family. The Onion looks at the biggest potential revelations from the interview.

LOS ANGELES—Expressing enthusiasm about seeing a real turnaround in business soon, Matt Damon reportedly lowered his fee on Cameo to $15 Friday in hopes of getting more hits. “Man, I thought I’d be swamped, but three months on here and I’ve gotten what—three, four requests?” said Damon, who released a long, resigned…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Defending the deadly action as an unfortunate necessity, Barack Obama held a press conference Friday to announce that the Hulu executives targeted in a recent drone strike represented an imminent threat to Netflix’s interests. “As you know, I am not a proponent of violence, except in extreme cases in which…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—Confirming decades of social science research into the function and significance of the gesture, a new study released Friday by psychologists at Yale University found that beckoning with your index finger remained the most effective way to get U.S. residents onto the dance floor. “In experiments…Read more...

Facebook lifted its ban on U.S. political advertising on Thursday, ending a months-long moratorium initially put in place to prevent the spread of misinformation after the November election. What do you think?Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Taking a huge step toward adding more diversity to their films, Disney announced Friday that the company’s next movie would feature a princess with a never-before-seen ethnicity. “The film will tell the story of a young girl who grows up in the traditions of a storied culture no one in the world has ever…Read more...

Ever since HBO announced The Last Of Us would be coming to the network as a series, fans have been waiting with bated breath to learn whether or not this would finally be the title that broke the curse of video game adaptations. Thankfully, a new development on the set shows that the cast and crew are handling Naughty…Read more...

RED LODGE, MT—As they begged the visibly distraught ungulate to climb back down the sheer rocky slope, a mountain goat’s loved ones reportedly spent several tense minutes Friday talking him off a high peak from which he appeared ready to jump to his death. “Hello, friend, I want to let you know there are a lot of…Read more...

Customs and Border Protection officers in Cincinnati seized a shipment of boxed corn flakes cereal last month laced with 44 pounds of cocaine that had an estimated street value over $2.5 million. What do you think?Read more...

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Evanston, Illinois will be the first American city to fund reparations for Black residents, using a 3% tax on recreational marijuana to distribute $10 million over 10 years for eligible applicants’ housing beginning this spring. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—In response to growing outcry over soldiers using the platform to threaten violence on protestors opposed to the recent coup, TikTok reportedly assured users worried about Myanmar Thursday that they’re aggressively monetizing the situation. “We want to let all of our users know that we’re keeping a…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Shushing the toys as he carefully studied every vehicle and pedestrian passing by his house, heroic local conservative Darryl Sawchuck reportedly put his life on the line Thursday to hide several dozen Mr. Potato Heads in his attic. “Don’t worry—you’ll be safe with me!” said Sawchuck, who sources confirmed…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to reconsider their current precautions in light of the grim discovery, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention researchers warned Thursday of a new giant Covid-19 variant large enough to swallow a grown man whole. “This is a mammoth monster of a virus, big enough and strong enough to…Read more...

DARTMOOR, ENGLAND—Caught off guard in one of his ratty old goatskin tunics, Bronze Age tribesman Lugu claimed Thursday that he would have dressed in much nicer pelts had he known that scientists would find his preserved body in a bog 4,000 years after selecting the outfit. “Shit, I would have put on a beaten-reed…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Bemoaning the bureaucratic red tape that had been holding it back for the past year, the Covid-19 virus announced Thursday that it would move its operation to Texas full-time to escape burdensome regulations. “Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic…Read more...

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