The Onion

INDIANAPOLIS—Praising both its attention-grabbing imagery and its tantalizing bullet point list of available services, local woman Cynthia Sutton told reporters Wednesday that an effective billboard along I-70 had her suddenly craving a visit to the hospital. “Ooh, I wasn’t even thinking about diagnostic imaging…Read more...

A Florida promoter is offering vaccinated concertgoers $18 tickets to an upcoming punk show while charging unvaccinated people $1,000 per ticket, saying that it’s for safety and to encourage people to get vaccinated. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Failing to realize he had overbooked his short business trip to the Bay Area until it was far too late, local man Thomas Keeler managed to squeeze in a hangout Tuesday with his least important friend from 2:30 to 3:15 p.m. “Hey man, is there any way we could meet up sometime after lunch today, I’ve got…Read more...

SHEBOYGAN, WI—Shrugging off that he had been bedridden for the better part of the day, local man Jamison Kelly reminded himself Monday that the painful, nauseating side effects just meant that the triple bacon cheeseburger he recently consumed was working. “My muscles are cramping, I’m sweating, and I have a piercing…Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a somber moment to meditate on where it would be without those great heroes portrayed by the Hollywood star, the nation reportedly paused Monday to reflect on the noble sacrifices made by Will Smith’s characters. “Whether the threat be domestic, international, or intergalactic, the characters Will…Read more...

TOKYO—Promising that the blockbuster release’s depiction of the legendary would be completely respectful, Mario Golf producer Toshiharu Izuno defended Monday Nintendo’s choice to use a CGI likeness of Luigi in the game after the star’s death last year. “We have been in contact with Luigi’s estate and received full…Read more...

Howard University has renamed its College of Fine Arts after the late actor Chadwick Boseman, who was an alumnus of the school and its 2018 commencement speaker. What do you think?Read more...

CHARLOTTE, NC—Insisting that he would be cleared of all wrongdoing and is the target of a media witch hunt, embattled horse trainer Bob Baffert once again denied doping allegations Monday after his horse Medina Spirit won the Coca-Cola 600. “It’s a shame that my enemies are trying to downplay this historic…Read more...

Read more...

“I’m not saying another fucking word until I see that $5 million check.”

The CDC recently issued an advisory after an increase in reported salmonella cases across the country, warning backyard farmers against getting too close to poultry in ways that could easily spread germs, like kissing or snuggling. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA—Adding further confusion and uncertainty as to the origins of the public health official, new evidence obtained Friday by the World Health Organization suggests that Dr. Anthony Fauci, the chief medical adviser to President Biden, may have been created in a Chinese lab. “It appears that in November 2019,…Read more...

Read more...

DENVER—Noting a need for major cutbacks, low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly reduced their fleet of aircrafts Friday to one large agent capable of lifting and jiggling passengers while making motor sounds. “With a huge decline in airline travel over the past year, Frontier has made the very reasonable…Read more...

The Louvre, the most-visited art museum in the world, recently announced the hiring of its first female director, Laurence des Cars, in its 228-year history. The Onion looks back at the most important events in the history of the Paris art museum.

Actor and wrestler John Cena has released an apology video to fans in China after referring to Taiwan as a country in an interview, which sparked controversy due to China viewing the island as an illegitimate breakaway province. What do you think?Read more...

Don’t give the impression you’re only interested in a paycheck.Read more...

Get ready, Metroid fans, because everyone’s favorite bounty hunter Samus Aran has an all new look! That’s right, it looks like the dry cleaner lost her iconic Power Suit, so now she’s wearing mesh shorts and an XXL Big Dogs T-shirt.

OKLAHOMA CITY—In an astonishing display of callousness and naivety, local ignorant fool Brandon Thurber reportedly asked his girlfriend Thursday if she really needed another decorative teapot. “It’s pretty, but don’t you already have a couple of teapots like this?” said the numbskull, who furrowed his brow in…Read more...

MIAMI—Lamenting how congested the roads would be if he left the stadium now, Marlins fan Ed Padilla admitted Thursday that he was only staying until the end of the game to avoid traffic. “Getting out of this place can be an absolute nightmare, but if you can last until the sixth or seventh inning, you’re usually in…Read more...

President Biden and Russian President Vladimir Putin will meet next month in Geneva amid escalating tensions that include Russian cyberattacks, election interference, and the poisoning and detainment of Alexei Navalny. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Calling it a historic victory for all who have been victims of the Lord’s negligence, lawyers representing the planet’s estimated 20 quintillion animal inhabitants announced Tuesday that a class-action lawsuit against God would pay out an extra 45 seconds of life to each creature. “While no amount of extra…Read more...

Read more...

The U.S. government spends billions of dollars on weapons development each year, but once in a while, they accidentally invent products for regular people. Here are several household items you use every day but never realized actually started in the military.

Ever since Apple’s decision to boot multiplayer smash-hit Fortnite from the App Store, mobile gamers everywhere have been missing out on one of the best battle royale experience out there. But a new development in the ongoing legal fight between the Unreal Engine’s creator and the Tim Cook-led tech juggernaut might…Read more...

Read more...

Alabama has ended a decades-long ban on teaching yoga in public schools, a measure that will still prohibit chanting and using Sanskrit names for poses in addition to requiring a permission slip from parents acknowledging yoga’s connection to Hinduism. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unsettled by the direction in which their party appeared to be headed, a small group of Republicans expressed concern Monday that blind worship of former President Donald Trump had begun to erode more traditional GOP values, such as the blind worship of former President Ronald Reagan. “It’s deeply troubling…Read more...

Five-time Olympic medalist Simone Biles landed a Yurchenko double pike, a challenging vault never before accomplished by a female gymnast in competition. What do you think?Read more...

SALINA, KS—In an attempt to quell his anxieties surrounding the popular mode of transportation, Frederick Varela attempted to quell his fear of flying Monday by reminding himself that he was more likely to get kidnapped by a Belarusian dictator during the drive to the airport than while in the air. “Obviously, some…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

NEW ORLEANS—Enticing potential bookers with the apartment’s best features, a New Orleans Airbnb reportedly touted Monday its location in the heart of the city’s historic Airbnb quarter. “Located mere steps from a wide array of other Airbnbs, this apartment is the perfect spot for a couple or two friends to explore…Read more...

COLUMBUS, IN—Unfazed by the public swimming pool, local 7-year-old Logan Dixon told reporters Monday that he had seen way deeper deep ends. “Give me a break, what is this, five feet or something?” said Dixon, whose wisdom and courage left witnesses awestruck as he described how the public swimming pool’s depths paled…Read more...

LYNN, MA—Reeling in the wake of a diagnosis giving her 18 months to live, local woman Sophie Williams reportedly admitted Monday that she wasn’t sure she could sustain cherishing every moment for that long. “Ever since learning the pancreatic cancer was terminal, I’ve been thinking a lot about savoring the little…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Feeling completely overwhelmed by the uncomfortable sensation, the nation was reportedly all itchy, frantically scratching sources confirmed Monday. “Gah, it’s driving me crazy!” said Greg McLaren, one of the 328 million Americans who was currently reaching for a ruler, fork, or any other implement he could…Read more...

In an effort to learn about the ultimate part that had eluded actors throughout their careers, The Onion asked some of Hollywood’s biggest stars to talk about missing out on iconic roles.

An iceberg bigger than the state of Rhode Island has broken off the Ronne ice shelf in a natural event called calving unattributed to climate change, making the iceberg the largest in the world. What do you think?Read more...

MINNETONKA, MN—Calling the armed forces of today a “far cry” from the honorable soldiers he recalled from his upbringing, local conservative resident Phil Hayes told reporters Friday he longed for a bygone era when the U.S. Army was 2 inches tall, green, and plastic. “When I was young, every man in the Army respected…Read more...

Read more...

President Biden signed legislation focused on aggressively investigating hate crimes, especially those targeting Asian Americans and Pacific Islanders, amid a dramatic increase during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

With summer fast approaching, it’s time to pick up a shovel, head to a nursery, and spend hundreds of dollars on plants you will inevitably kill. Here are some of the most common mistakes made by home gardeners, and how to avoid them.

BOSTON—Appearing suspicious as she asked how long the soldier had lived in the Central Asian country, U.S. airport customs officer Michele Cox extensively questioned Army Staff Sgt. Joey Tatum upon the serviceman’s return from Afghanistan, sources confirmed Friday. “So, Mr. Tatum, your passport shows you’ve traveled…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Hailed by critics from The New Yorker, Vulture, and Uproxx as a groundbreaking show pushing the boundaries of what was possible in the medium of television, brilliant new animated comedy The Petunia Chronicles reportedly gives its viewers clinical depression. “Although we’re only five episodes into this…Read more...

The 17-year cicadas, Brood X, have begun to emerge across the United States, driving curiosity among science fans and nature lovers. The Onion breaks down everything you need to know about the 17-year cicadas.

CHICAGO—Excited about his final opportunity to make friends as an adult before surrendering to a life of solitude, local man Josh Kelly reported Friday that the adult kickball he joined would be a great way to meet other people who are entirely out of options. “It feels good to do something different and meet some…Read more...

Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a bill into law barring most abortions at the onset of a fetal heartbeat, which can occur as early as six weeks into pregnancy and before many people know they are pregnant. What do you think?Read more...