The Onion

NEW YORK—Weeping into his hands as he realized everything he worked for had been destroyed in an instant, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that the league has been bankrupted after receiving a bill for $6.3 trillion from the hospitals that employ the 7,500 healthcare workers who attended the Super…Read more...

Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Looking for even one place to express their jubilation over the first Buccaneers championship in nearly two decades, excited Tampa Bay residents reportedly wished Sunday that they had an actual city to tear apart in celebration. “What am I supposed to do—knock down a palm tree?” said diehard Bucs fan Greg…Read more...

Read more...

CINNAMINSON, NJ—Nervously eyeballing the appetizer tray after the last of the wings and nachos had been polished off, famished man Evan Lee Anders finally succumbed Sunday to the deceitful whisper of hours-old gameday deviled eggs at his Super Bowl party. “No, no, no, no, no, I can’t. I mustn’t,” said Anders, who…Read more...

Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Cackling to itself as a hush fell over the players and crowd at Raymond James Stadium, a Covid-19 particle took over the Super Bowl sound system and jumbotron Sunday, asking all American to bear witness to the end of “your so-called” society. “Hello all, hello, and welcome my friends to the beginning of the…Read more...

Read more...

OXNARD, CA—Constantly disrupting the Super Bowl party with his annoying interjections, sources close to Ian Evers, a self-proclaimed “non-commercial fan,” confirmed Sunday that he had asked “wait, so why did that guy just drink that beer?” during an advertisement for Miller Lite. “Who’s that guy? Is that good? Sorry,…Read more...

Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Moments after the titanic abominations burst from the realm’s mudpits into the brimstone-tinged air, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick bid a legion of monstrous linebackers to find the traitor Tom Brady and crush him, sources confirmed Friday. “Go! Go now! You know your task, you miserable wretch!”…Read more...

Read more...

PRINCETON, NJ—According to research published in the scientific journal Ecology And Evolution, biologists at Princeton University discovered Friday that the modern-day corn dog descended from an ancient aquatic sausage. “It may seem shocking, but the corn dog we know today evolved from a primitive ancestor known as …Read more...

Jeff Bezos announced that he’s planning to step down as the CEO of Amazon this summer, although he will remain in an executive capacity with the company he founded in 1994. The Onion provides an inside scoop on what Bezos plans to do next.

Evermore Park, a fantasy theme park located in Utah, is suing Taylor Swift after claiming her latest album Evermore infringes on their trademark. What do you think?Read more...

TAMPA, FL—When asked about his preparations for the upcoming Super Bowl game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that he had refused a request to throw a touchdown for a kid with cancer to avoid glorifying unhealthy lifestyles. “Look, if I toss a touchdown pass for this incredibly sick…Read more...

ATLANTA—Piling into motorcycles, biplanes, rowboats, and any other means of conveyance available to them, millions of Americans began scrambling for a coronavirus vaccine Friday after the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced thousands of doses were buried somewhere in California. “As soon as [CDC…Read more...

Andy Reid

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that it would be painful for many Americans to cancel their plans for the cherished national tradition, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Friday against holding any large-scale celebrations commemorating the historic February release of Johann Sebastian Bach’s 1708 cantata “Gott Ist Mein…Read more...

Hear why PETA is coming to the defense of these over-bread monstrosities that exist for the sole purpose of having fresh tomato paste extracted from their many teat-like protuberances.Read more...

Read more...

Recently released court documents show that the pharmaceutical company Merck was aware that some men reported experiencing suicidal ideation while using the anti-baldness drug Propecia, but chose not to include a warning on the treatment’s label. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the inconsistency in her personal account of the Jan. 6 insurrection, republicans accused New York Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Thursday of not being anywhere near the place they told the Capitol mob she would be. “She was supposed to be in a room just off the Capitol rotunda, which is where…Read more...

The Canadian government on Wednesday declared the Proud Boys a terrorist entity, saying the alt-right, white nationalist group is a significant threat to national security due to their violent actions and racist, hateful rhetoric. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Upending boxes in a vain effort to find his prized possessions, Marvel CEO Kevin Feige was reportedly panicking Thursday after his mom tossed out $3.6 billion of his superhero crap. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were still so into all this comic book junk,” said a defensive Leanne Feige, explaining to her…Read more...

Read more...

It looks dirty, and it’s doing a weird thing with its wings. Hear why it would be best if you just didn’t go near it.Read more...

Read more...

Six people have been arrested for altering the Los Angeles Hollywood sign to read “Hollyboob,” a stunt that was supposedly intended to promote breast cancer awareness. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Lauding the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for providing representation to people of all aptitudes, the Golden Globes were praised Wednesday for the diverse talent level of its nominees. “This year’s nominees are a historic celebration of a wide array of abilities,” said entertainment reporter Michael…Read more...

WASHINGTON—After she discussed the recent volatility of popular shorted stocks such as GameStop and AMC with a group of government regulators Wednesday, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen reportedly tried to secure a speaking fee, asking officials if she should just invoice them later. “You can pay now, or you can wait…Read more...

The Senate voted Tuesday to confirm former South Bend, IN mayor and 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg as the United States Secretary of Transportation. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Assuring the executive that as long as he followed directions, nobody would get hurt, a rogue Amazon fulfillment robot trained a gun at Jeff Bezos’ head this week and commanded him to put out a nice press release and step down as CEO. “Listen carefully, Jeff, because I’m only going to say this once—you’re…Read more...

SEATTLE—Unable to believe his luck at uncovering the classic item, local man Alton Yates was reportedly overjoyed Wednesday after scoring a vintage coin-operated Texas Instruments graphing cabinet. “I can’t believe I found one in such good condition,” said Yates, confirming that apart from an easily replaced cosine…Read more...

The recent flurry of activity surrounding retail investors and the GameStop stock have shone a spotlight on stock trading apps like Robinhood, which have been the subject of both recent criticism and praise. The Onion explains how stock trading apps work.

Hear why these arborists believe that if the fruit’s on the ground, it’s ready to pound.Read more...

Google executives say they are prepared to remove the search engine from Australia if the country enacts a law that would force large tech firms to pay media outlets for news content. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

NAPERVILLE, IL—Struggling to recover after suffering such a severe assault, the masculinity of local dad Robert Banzino reportedly sustained a devastating blow Tuesday when his neighbor Mark Stewart took it upon himself to shovel the snow from Banzino’s sidewalk for him. “Hey, buddy, I hope you don’t mind that I went…Read more...

Myanmar’s military detained politicians and took over the government on Monday morning, claiming without evidence that the country’s November elections results were fraudulent. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Demanding accountability from the entertainment industry for its role in promoting the outdated trope, activists issued a petition Tuesday calling on sitcom producers to reckon with the genre’s troubling history of sarcastic attitudes. “From Carla on Cheers to April on Parks And Recreation, these demeaning…Read more...

DOVER, MA—Confessing that they’d been destined to become show-business darlings since they were born into a wealthy family, shy brothers Mark and Anthony Weber told reporters Tuesday they were already feeling pressure to become auteur filmmakers. “Growing up as introverted, soft-spoken siblings with a keen eye for…Read more...

Read more...

Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.Read more...

Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration say they have discovered a new species of whale after genetic testing revealed the critically endangered Rice’s whale is not related to other whales found in the Gulf of Mexico. What do you think?Read more...

ALBANY, NY—In response to criticism over his handling of the pandemic, New York governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly unveiled a plan Monday to reduce the spread of Covid-19 at nursing homes by throwing all residents out onto the street. “The elderly are one of the groups most vulnerable to Covid, and we will dramatically…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying the day served as a sobering reminder of the pandemic’s toll on the nation, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer announced Monday that the country had reached a grim milestone as the number of Covid-19 deaths surpassed the jelly beans in a nearby glass jar. “Today, we mark a somber occasion as estimates show those…Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—In an effort to ensure that potential mates wouldn’t get the wrong idea, local woman Karen Dugas told reporters Monday she was always quick to clarify that the child in her dating profile picture wasn’t actually alive anymore. “It’s such a cute snapshot of the two of us at her second birthday party that I…Read more...