The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-07-04 04:15 |
on (#52JCQ)
Chase Young (Ohio State), DE: Easily the best pass rusher in the draft, the 21-year-old defensive end is fueled by his belief that quarterbacks are hollow and filled with candy.Read more...
on (#52JCT)
Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.Read more...
on (#52HHC)
TAMPA, FL—Expressing confidence that once again playing with the all-time great would make his new team a sure-fire Super Bowl contender, former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski told sources Wednesday that he was hoping the Buccaneers trade for Tom Brady as well. “I gotta go down to Tampa’s front office and ask coach…Read more...
on (#52H93)
NEW HAVEN, CT—Admitting that a highly contagious, deadly pandemic had done little to stoke his creativity, local man Michael Ayers confided to reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure why he had imagined the most stressful situation he had ever experienced would be the thing that finally made him more productive.…Read more...
on (#52GZA)
German officials announced that Oktoberfest, the annual two-week celebration that brings over 6 million revelers to Munich each fall, has been canceled due to concerns over the coronavirus spreading through the festival’s densely packed beer tents. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52GZB)
There’s no getting around the fact that it’s been a heartbreaking few months for fans of Naughty Dog’s ultra-popular The Last of Us franchise. Already pushed back from its initial May 29 release date, the developer recently confirmed that Part II of the series would receive an indefinite delay due to the ongoing…Read more...
on (#52GZC)
LOL…that is one perfectly cogent text-based exchange.Read more...
on (#52GZD)
SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to…Read more...
on (#52GZE)
Across the United States, a shortage of personal protective equipment such as masks and gloves has made medical care more difficult and raised the risk of coronavirus transmission. The Onion presents suggestions for fixing America’s PPE shortage.Read more...
on (#52GN1)
He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.Read more...
on (#52GN4)
The Lyrid meteor shower, an annual display of comet debris vaporizing in the Earth’s atmosphere, will be especially vibrant this year as the start of a new lunar cycle means the night sky will be darker than normal. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52FRD)
RALEIGH, NC—Vowing to make bolder, less boring choices with her wardrobe going forward, local woman Helen Sletski announced Tuesday that if she survived the coronavirus pandemic and her state’s ongoing lockdown, she would go through with long-deferred plans to wear a hat in public. “Life’s too short—I see that now—and…Read more...
on (#52FG4)
Executives for the burger chain Shake Shack say they will return the $10 million loan they received as part of the Paycheck Protection Program, a now-empty relief fund which was intended to help small businesses pay employees during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52FG6)
MONACO—Walking back controversial statements about the Covid-19 crisis after a harsh backlash, Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic clarified his anti-vaccine comments Tuesday by insisting he has always clearly supported having sponsors. “Look, I know some people took what I said out of context, but I am 100% supportive…Read more...
on (#52FG8)
WASHINGTON—Pushing back against what they viewed as tyrannical measures, protesters across the country took to the streets Tuesday to hold demonstrations demanding that states reopen, notice a spike in coronavirus cases, and then infuriate protesters by once again locking down. “We urge these governors to immediately…Read more...
on (#52F6E)
Woah, did somebody order the 64-year-old author of Time’s Arrow and London Fields? ’Cause that’s what this pesto chicken sandwich looks almost exactly like.Read more...
on (#52EWY)
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was into him, local man John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was only smiling at him because that was her job. “Man, I always fall for it,†Minas said of the…Read more...
on (#52EX2)
Russian citizens have taken out nearly $13.6 billion in cash from bank accounts since mid-March, more than the total amount withdrawn during all of 2019, due to concerns they will not be able to access their money during quarantine. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52EX3)
Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work.Read more...
on (#52DYY)
According to a sleep survey by psychologists at Harvard Medical School, disruptions to normal life and increased levels of anxiety due to the coronavirus are causing Americans to experience more intense, memorable nightmares. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52DQM)
PORT FOURCHON, LA—On the very spot off the Louisiana coast where the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded and left the company’s mark on the region forever, BP celebrated the 10th anniversary of its historic, 210-million-gallon oil spill Monday by dyeing the entire Gulf of Mexico black. “Ten years ago today was a…Read more...
on (#52DQN)
LONG ISLAND, NY—Saying recent improvements to his health had given him the energy to finally consider the strangeness of his situation, fully recovered CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gradually came to realize Monday that his family never intended to let him out the basement where he convalesced. “Cristina, are you out there,…Read more...
on (#52DE8)
The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.Read more...
on (#52DE9)
6.38 million years ago: Satan plants the first cannabis seed on the Asian continent to tempt future Christians.Read more...
on (#52DEA)
8 in 10: Incarcerated marijuana dealers who leave prison with far more business connections and industry knowledge than competitors who never get arrested.Read more...
on (#52DEB)
Kansas: The state requires any resident hoping to smoke marijuana to drive over to Colorado.Read more...
on (#52DEC)
766: Hours of R&D spent coming up with names for products like “LOL Edibles Captain Munch Weed-Infused Cereal†and “CannaPunch Grand Daddy Grape Juiceâ€Read more...
on (#52DED)
Improved lung capacity from taking monster bong rips.Read more...
on (#52DEE)
GOLDEN, CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain’s extended closures. “I am proud to…Read more...
on (#52DEF)
In these stressful times, gamers are finding Animal Crossing: New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes. It’s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy, though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth. And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips…Read more...
on (#52D4R)
“See that wall right there? I’m gonna punch a fucking hole through it, and I’d love to see you try and stop me.â€Read more...
on (#52D4S)
The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August, the first time the race has not been held in July since WWII, though public health experts warn that even with delays the event could trigger a resurgence of coronavirus across Europe. What do you think?Read more...