The Onion

Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has pledged $1.5 million to help supplement the incomes of WNBA players who have opted out of the 2020 season due to coronavirus concerns or for social justice reasons. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Getting sentimental as he discussed going about his regular routine to the outrage of those around him, area man Mike Kinkel told reporters Tuesday that he would always remember this as the summer he lived life normally and everyone got really mad at him all the time. “Years from now, when I look back on…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book, Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “uphold the rule of law” while federal agents dragged a screaming Jerry Nadler outside into an unmarked van. “This is standard…Read more...

LONDON—Following last week’s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “next on the chopping block.” “Oh dear, if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide residents with a way to more safely patronize restaurants without fear of contracting Covid-19, Los Angeles officials announced a new initiative Tuesday to designate open-air dining areas along the 101 freeway median. “We’re thrilled to take this bold step to give Angelinos a chance…Read more...

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying that the terrifying image was still seared into her brain, local mom Jeannine Kirchner called her daughter Tuesday in a panic after she had an ultra-realistic nightmare she cut off her beautiful hair. “Oh my God, I had the worst dream last night, where I was just sitting on my couch and then…Read more...

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GRAN CHACO, BOLIVIA—Despite expressing reservations about being a caricature of his entire species, local giant anteater Armando Snout confirmed Tuesday that even though he knew it was stereotypical, he couldn’t help but love ants. “I know, I know, I’m a walking cliché, but can you blame a guy—they’re just plain…Read more...

The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.Read more...

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Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and White House advisor Larry Kudlow both asserted this weekend that the next round of coronavirus relief legislation will include another $1,200 check for Americans making less than $75,000 a year. What do you think?Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game, thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family. “I’m glad baseball is back, but screaming at my daughter to…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In a survey of how the nation’s local officials have responded to the pandemic in the absence of a consistent federal approach, Stanford University researchers confirmed Monday that more cities have begun offering drive-thru Covid-19 injection sites to put citizens out of their misery. “By injecting…Read more...

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The Christian non-profit Bread for the World announced that they have asked Florida Rep. Ted Yoho to resign from their board after he called Rep. Ocasio-Cortez a “fucking bitch,” saying “his behavior in the past few days does not reflect the values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills, defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s quite frankly…Read more...

We’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales, we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer. But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church.…Read more...

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration over his cavalier attitude toward the pandemic, community sources confirmed Monday that local man Larry Baker wasn’t even doing his part to develop a coronavirus vaccine. “Doesn’t this guy know that if we pooled our resources together, we could create a vaccine in a matter of days,” said…Read more...

DALLAS—Catering to fans of the iconic global conflict that ran from 2003 to 2011, the major figures from the George W. Bush administration reunited on Zoom Monday for a table read of the National Intelligence Assessment used to justify the invasion of Iraq. “The country’s going through some difficult times right now,…Read more...

ARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a drag that they can’t find him, but from what I can see he’s got a…Read more...

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OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Expressing glee that he could hold on to the souvenir for himself without fans in attendance, Blue Jays third baseman Vladimir Guerrero Jr. told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe he got to keep a foul ball. “A free ball—can’t beat that!” said Guerrero, who tossed it up the air to himself in amazement…Read more...

WASHINGTON—With its vote to adopt a resolution denouncing the freshman’s congresswoman behavior, the House of Representatives formally censured Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Friday for employing the sexist slur “fucking bitch” in a speech on the House floor the day prior. “The representative from New York’s 14th District…Read more...

Anyone who played the original Halo:Combat Evolved way back in 2001 knows few shooters have reached the giddy heights of awe-inspiring combat and massive battles—that is, until they got a peek at the in-game trailer for 343 Industries’ first release in the franchise exclusively made for the next generation. Ready to…Read more...

Taylor Swift released her eighth album, Folklore, in a surprise midnight release on Thursday, announcing on social media that she wrote the songs during lockdown and in collaboration with Bon Iver, The National, and Jack Antonoff. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the dangerous precedent it set to allow users to continue tweeting without the slightest ounce of nuance or subtlety, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced Friday that they banned 7,000 hate accounts that were a little too on the nose. “As per Twitter’s guidelines, there is a zero-tolerance policy for…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “fun, hydraulic-powered way” to support curves of all shapes and sizes, Victoria’s Secret introduced Friday a new sexy push-up jack for maximum lift. “Made from a combination of polyester lace, breathable microfiber, and titanium steel, the Victoria’s Secret sexy push-up jack is guaranteed to…Read more...

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RISHIKESH, INDIA—Arriving early Friday at a remote Himalayan temple after weeks of strenuous travel, American yoga student Jennifer Miller dressed in the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of pilgrims, unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat, and began his training under the legendary yoga ball known…Read more...

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CHICAGO, IL—Admitting that they had made no significant progress in understanding where they stood in the present climate, Country Time CEO Howard Worth told reporters Thursday that he was unsure if his company was supposed to be racist or not. “Certainly, it seems like the name Country Time is idealizing some long…Read more...

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The Trump administration ordered China to close its Houston, TX consulate as COVID-19, trade battles, and other issues exacerbate tensions between the two nations. The Onion looks at potential solutions for easing tensions between the U.S. and China.

The 51st San Diego Comic-Con will be held 100% online this week due to the coronavirus pandemic, with celebrity panels, new games, and a virtual exhibition hall free to all attendees. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—With medical workers overwhelmed and hospitals short on supplies, intensive care units across the nation reportedly reached a breaking point Thursday as the United States surpassed 4 million coronavirus hoaxes. “We are continuing to see an exponential surge in patients who arrive in our ER and fake…Read more...

Larry Householder, speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives, was arrested Tuesday in connection to a $60 million bribery and racketeering investigation tied to nuclear plant bailouts in the state. What do you think?Read more...

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Taking a sip of her jumbo frozen margarita and asking everyone if they remembered the Dripping Springs Reunion tour, local Aunt Dottie Preston, who is really mom’s friend, announced Thursday that she saw the inside of Willie Nelson’s bus once. “Oh, let me tell you, the year was 1972, but back then, your…Read more...

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Completely blowing its cover while trying to gather reconnaissance on the terrorist organization’s activities, a clumsy General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper reportedly fled a Taliban base Thursday after accidentally knocking over a potted plant. Eyewitness accounts confirmed that when the ceramic pot…Read more...

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WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive. “The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog, and I did—it’s on you if you’re…Read more...

MOUNT OLIVE, NJ—Weaving a florid tale of the event’s success despite the self-isolation brought about by the coronavirus pandemic, a local Instagram post reportedly began, “It wasn’t the first birthday we imagined, but we spent the day surrounded by love,” the first thread in an elegant tapestry of fabricated…Read more...

ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams. “What we’re seeing is that…Read more...

In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.Read more...

The lemonade brand Country Time is offering $100 checks to children who are unable to run lemonade stands this summer as part of their “Littlest Bailout” program, which seeks to offset lost revenue caused by social distancing and coronavirus safety guidelines. What do you think?Read more...

Research from the University of Washington shows that widespread use of masks could cut the projected daily coronavirus case count by 63% and daily death toll by 67%, but it would require at least 95% of Americans wear masks when in public. What do you think?Read more...