The Onion

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented, complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic, White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple, run-of-the-mill hurricane relief effort to fuck up. “A Category 1 storm hitting…Read more...

17-year-old Graham Ivan Clark is facing 30 felony counts for allegedly manipulating Twitter employees and hacking into dozens of high profile accounts as part of a bitcoin scheme that netted over $100,000 before the site shut it down. What do you think?Read more...

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This publication has long prided itself on bringing you the most scintillating gaming deals, but today, we bring forth one that eclipses everything that came before. You might remember a certain exclusive for the original Xbox titled Brute Force that promised cooperative, third-person shooter gameplay split between…Read more...

KANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through the reader and seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges…Read more...

Two NASA astronauts aboard the SpaceX Dragon Endeavor capsule completed a successful splashdown on Sunday, the first water landing by American astronauts in 45 years. What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was. “I know I’m not always the best at talking about my emotions, but I…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Confirming a longstanding theory concerning the former president’s death, FBI officials announced Monday that they had uncovered the plot where JFK was buried. “After significant digging, we unearthed the entirety of the plot, which we believe dated back as early as 1963,” said FBI director Christopher…Read more...

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The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the British singer–songwriter’s slimmed-down face and chitin-based exoskeleton “almost unrecognizable,” fans told reporters Monday they were stunned after Adele shared a photo of her newly molted body. “Wow, when I saw her post a picture of herself rocking those razor-sharp pincers and her two…Read more...

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Crouching down beside the building’s electrical panel under cover of night, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis reportedly cut the phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any coronavirus data. “Good luck calling for help now,” said DeSantis, grinning through a window as a…Read more...

Researchers using 3D microscopy say they have discovered that sperm do not oscillate back and forth but rather corkscrew through the water “like playful otters,” challenging assumptions about how sperm moves that date back to the invention of the compound microscope in 1677. What do you think?Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Noting that his experience at the theme park had been far deeper and more meaningful than he ever could have imagined, local man Kevin Reeves told reporters Monday that knowing he was risking his life actually made him appreciate his day at Disney World quite a bit more. “I used to get frustrated by little…Read more...

PELHAM, MA—Declaring he was absolutely sure he would have stood for progressive values, local man Eugene Leigh told reporters Monday that he was confident he would’ve been against slavery if he was alive during the 1960s. “Hindsight is 20/20, obviously, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve been out there opposing slavery…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family, a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Jose Ramirez’s funeral confirmed Monday that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive. “Obviously, I don’t want to make this moment all about me, but I’m feeling an…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the Latin American nation a perfect model of election integrity, officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security praised Bolivian leaders Monday for eliminating voter fraud through their refusal to hold general elections. “By repeatedly postponing the date of its presidential election,…Read more...

Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.Read more...

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NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout, federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game. Sources confirmed that minutes before their…Read more...

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Garth Brooks announced that he has taken himself out of the running for Entertainer of the Year at the 2020 CMA awards, saying he has already won seven times and it’s time for him to step aside so a younger generation can take the prize. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suddenly standing up and ending the interview as the conversation took a more heated turn, former President Barack Obama reportedly stormed out of a taping of The Michelle Obama Podcast Friday after the host continually pressed him on his administration’s drone use policy. “Hey, this is a complete ambush…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation’s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time, Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier. “Starting this week, every American making under $75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class…Read more...

A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights, particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic, and could have a significant impact on voting in November. The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting rights lawsuits that could affect the 2020 election.Read more...

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IOWA CITY, IA—Deriding the work’s narrative structure as formulaic and ultimately predictable, local 4-year-old Sophia Newsome issued a pointed critical assessment of the pop-up book Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden Friday, arguing it was overly dependent upon the lifting of colored flaps. “Naturally, I was impressed the…Read more...

ECHO, OR—Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around, several U.S. federal agents reportedly had driven three hours away from Portland Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the backseat. “Goddamnit, how did we miss him?” said federal agent Steve LaJoie to his partner…Read more...

Ever since its 2005 release, Nintendogs has built up a loyal fanbase of those who fell in love with the title’s adorable cast of cuddly characters, yet resigned themselves to never seeing anything as cute in their daily lives. Well, gamers, feast your eyes on this: It turns out there’s a real-life creature called a…Read more...

After protracted negotiations over the details of playing during the Covid-19 pandemic, Major League Baseball finally began a shortened 60-game season last week. Here are The Onion Sports’ highlights from the first week of play.Read more...

Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.Read more...

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Scientists say a newly developed blood test can accurately diagnose whether a patient has Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, allowing doctors to provide better treatments and prognoses and opening the door for researchers to one day develop a test for people who are not showing symptoms. What do you think?Read more...

Mattel announced a lineup of four new Barbie dolls, including a presidential candidate, a campaign manager, a fundraiser, and a voter, which the company hopes will encourage young girls to see themselves in public leadership roles. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following months of scrupulous vetting and careful political calculation, Joe Biden’s vice-presidential selection committee announced Thursday it had whittled down its shortlist to include only women, and also men who have long hair. “I believe a presidential administration should look like the country it…Read more...

After a four-month suspension of play caused by the coronavirus pandemic, the NBA returns to action in the locked-down Orlando bubble on Thursday, with 22 remaining teams competing for the Larry O’Brien Trophy. Here are Onion Sports’ top contenders.Read more...

BALTIMORE—Scouring the video-messaging app to find the perfect birthday gift for his best friend and fellow season ticket holder, Ravens fan Dedrick Bell reportedly couldn’t believe Thursday that Ray Lewis was charging just $300 dollars on Cameo to stab people. “I know it’s a little pricey, but my buddy’s gonna flip…Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday, stating “I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.” “If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw…Read more...

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Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.Read more...

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Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Mark Zuckerberg, and Sundar Pichai testified before Congress on Wednesday following a year of investigation by the House Antitrust Subcommittee into accusations that the companies’ practices harm consumers and stifle competition. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Further escalating tensions with the mayors of his state, Georgia governor Brian Kemp reportedly pushed against calls for more coronavirus restrictions Wednesday by moving all government business to a packed indoor pool. “In order to fight the gross government overreach of these so-called protective measures,…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was frustrated the season is already falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn’t. “I concentrated super hard, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and wished that the MLB season would…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make a positive impact in his community, local software engineer Marquis Edwin hoped Wednesday that the children in his neighborhood would enjoy the 2004 coding textbook he added to the lending library. “This is going to give them a really solid foundation of code and debugging techniques,…Read more...

ROME—Shedding new light on the demise of the long-extinct sovereignty, archeologists from Princeton University announced Wednesday that they had located the impact crater made by the asteroid that destroyed the Roman Empire. “This astonishing find helps us understand what really occurred during the final days of the…Read more...