The Onion

BRATSK, RUSSIA—Begging for mercy from the animal that they thought had died on its space voyage more than 60 years ago, Russian scientists inspecting a new impact crater Friday gripped their heads in agony as a telepathic Laika, the dog, emerged from the smoldering ruins. “No, it cannot be. Laika? It’s not possible!”…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one’s home was a great way to boost its resale value. “An analysis of market trends clearly…Read more...

MUNCIE, IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care with a double bypass Thursday just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic. “These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning, so just to be safe, I’m…Read more...

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This can be a cynical business, gamers, but every once in a while, a story comes along that warms our hearts. Yesterday, Bethesda revealed that after hearing the story of an elderly 86-year-old man who has played over 1,000 hours of Skyrim they decided to pay tribute to the superfan by putting him in the upcoming …Read more...

OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.Read more...

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation’s future, a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs. “Once they’ve wrapped our major cities in their massive…Read more...

Doctors worldwide are urging people to get flu shots early this year due to concerns that a severe flu season could create a “twindemic,” placing added pressure on health care systems already struggling to fight the coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Preferring to just watch playoff basketball in peace, Lakers fan Derek Wainwright expressed frustration Thursday that he was being forced to recognize basketball players’ humanity in any way. “I wish they’d stop bringing basic human dignity into sports, so I can enjoy the damn game,” said Wainwright,…Read more...

NEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha, WI, Blue Lives Matter supporters told reporters Thursday that Kyle Rittenhouse’s actions did not reflect the nonviolent tactics favored by most police-state apologists. “When you see us out there waving…Read more...

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ANN ARBOR, MI—In a report issued Thursday from a stretch of U.S. 23 South, Wilson Ornithological Society researchers shared new data that suggests owls just bounce off your windshield right there on the highway sometimes. “According to our research, it is possible for an owl to come out of nowhere, slam face-first…Read more...

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OXNARD, CA—Offering a return on investment that local woman Alyson Murdoch had reportedly never anticipated, years of listening to her grandpa talk about life in the Dust Bowl paid huge dividends Thursday in an Instagram post honoring his death. “I had to spend years listening to him jabbering on about never knowing…Read more...

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Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster.Read more...

Local authorities in the Florida Keys approved a plan for 2021 to release hundreds of millions of mosquitos with a modified gene that causes female offspring to die in the larval stage, in hopes of reducing diseases spread by the insect. What do you think?Read more...

TORONTO—Fleeing a life of limited cinematic opportunity, rafts bearing cinephile refugees from the United States began arriving in Canada Wednesday in time for the premiere of Christopher Nolan’s psychological sci-fi thriller Tenet. “I didn’t think we were going to make it until I saw the shape of the theater looming…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Calling the virus a “wannabe star” that feeds off of the limelight, Fox News announced Wednesday that they had limited their pandemic coverage to avoid giving the Covid-19 the notoriety it craved. “I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—all the novel coronavirus wants is to become a household name, and by…Read more...

DAVENPORT, IA—Noting that it would be just a gosh-darned shame to let perfectly good food go to waste, the state of Iowa left a big Saran-wrapped bowl of potato salad at the Illinois border Wednesday after making way too much. “There’s no way we could finish all of this potato salad ourselves,” Iowa said in a note…Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Leaving her bags of fabric and buttons in the trunk of her car until later to avoid raising suspicion, local hobbyist Karen Berger lied outright to her boyfriend Wednesday by telling him she had been getting groceries in order to cover up her fourth visit to the craft store this week. “Sorry I was gone for…Read more...

As people spend more time online and social media becomes more monetizable, successful social media influencers can make millions of dollars a year, but finding success can be difficult. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to becoming a social media influencer.

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Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people.Read more...

EL PASO, TX—Maintaining that “you kind of had to be there” to really get the gist of his grisly series of murders, local killer James Greiner told reporters Wednesday that the premeditated triple homicide he committed had been taken completely out of context. “As someone who was actually the one shooting and stabbing…Read more...

The Girl Scouts announced they are introducing a new cookie called a “Toast-Yay!” for 2021, which is shaped like bread and flavored like French toast. What do you think?Read more...

YONKERS, NY—Expressing his excitement that the demonstration was occurring nearby, local man Ted Shriver was reportedly thrilled Tuesday after a Black Lives Matter protest march passed close enough to his apartment for him to claim he participated in it. “This is great, I can look out my window and pump my fists in…Read more...

PASCO, WA—Stressing that the whole thing would probably be kind of cool, a new report released Tuesday confirmed that seeing a llama would be a fun change of pace. “All of our data indicates that catching sight of a llama would be a gratifying turn of events,” read the report in part, explaining that viewing the…Read more...

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YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting skills, pet owner Aaron DeSpiegler admitted Tuesday he was deeply worried he may not be caring or responsible enough to be a father after his adopted cat, Muffin, killed four children and a teacher and…Read more...

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SAGINAW, MI—Recalling the time he and his partner fired dozens of rounds into the shoplifting suspect’s body, local police officer Bradley Denney reportedly pointed Monday to the unarmed white man he killed once to prove he’s not racist. “Look at all the people I’ve brutally beaten and killed before judging me,…Read more...

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Here at OGN, we’re often struck with a vague inkling that something is terribly amiss, and if you’re a reader, you most likely also lie awake nights with an unshakable sense of dread. Well, if that’s the case, trouble not your mind, for video games are considered cool right now!Read more...

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BOISE, ID—In an embarrassing demonstration by a freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and has to be taken away in an ambulance at the very…Read more...

A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy.Read more...

WASHINGTON—With the U.S. unemployment rate still in double digits, a new Labor Department report published Monday credits most of the spike in joblessness to an uptick in the number of Americans leaving their old lives behind to reach for the stars and become a professional dancer. “Our data shows that in the past…Read more...

Russian anti-corruption activist Alexei Navalny, one of Vladimir Putin’s most outspoken critics, fell into a coma last Thursday after drinking tea that allies suspect was poisoned by Kremlin forces. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Refusing to assign blame before all the facts were in, local rap fan Cole Franklin confirmed Friday that he was withholding judgment on who was at fault in the shooting of Megan Thee Stallion until he had heard the gun’s side of the story. “Everyone’s always so quick to blame the gun, but for all we know, Megan…Read more...

President Trump’s former chief strategist Steve Bannon was arrested and charged with defrauding donors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars through a crowdfunding campaign that claimed to be raising money for a border wall with Mexico. What do you think?Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Calling his presidential run a “perfect launchpad” for becoming a leader on a larger scale, Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that he was hoping to leverage his rising star status into ultimately becoming the mayor of Evansville, IN. “After the incredible year I’ve had serving not just as the mayor…Read more...

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ALEXANDRIA, VA—Calling the situation “an imminent threat,” watchdog groups nationwide urged casual dining establishment Bob Evans to create an emergency plan in case Donald Trump refuses to leave, sources confirmed Friday. “We must take the president at his word when he suggests he has no intention of leaving the…Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Staring down at the five-dollar bill in frustration before stuffing it into his wallet, Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh confirmed Friday that he was annoyed after only getting $5.89 from the university bookstore for selling back his 2020 playbook. “This is bullshit, that thing was like $150, and I…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—Watching with rapt attention from the production control room as presidential candidate Joe Biden delivered his Democratic nomination acceptance speech, DNC staffer Amy Murphy was reportedly fully prepared Thursday to cut to a shot of the American flag at any moment. “Alright, we’re on a 5-second delay, so…Read more...