The Onion

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Completely blowing its cover while trying to gather reconnaissance on the terrorist organization’s activities, a clumsy General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper reportedly fled a Taliban base Thursday after accidentally knocking over a potted plant. Eyewitness accounts confirmed that when the ceramic pot…Read more...

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WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive. “The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog, and I did—it’s on you if you’re…Read more...

MOUNT OLIVE, NJ—Weaving a florid tale of the event’s success despite the self-isolation brought about by the coronavirus pandemic, a local Instagram post reportedly began, “It wasn’t the first birthday we imagined, but we spent the day surrounded by love,” the first thread in an elegant tapestry of fabricated…Read more...

ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams. “What we’re seeing is that…Read more...

In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.Read more...

The lemonade brand Country Time is offering $100 checks to children who are unable to run lemonade stands this summer as part of their “Littlest Bailout” program, which seeks to offset lost revenue caused by social distancing and coronavirus safety guidelines. What do you think?Read more...

Research from the University of Washington shows that widespread use of masks could cut the projected daily coronavirus case count by 63% and daily death toll by 67%, but it would require at least 95% of Americans wear masks when in public. What do you think?Read more...

ELMHURST, IL—Admitting that more than anything he missed getting up in disgust in the middle of a game to go mow the lawn, local baseball fan Mike Gengaro told reporters Wednesday that he was excited for the return of switching to a movie two hours into a 5-1 game that’s still only in the 4th inning. “It’s been a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Unfolding an yellowing, wrinkled paper containing the names of every known card’s location, NBA star LeBron James set out on a quest Wednesday to hunt down the owners of rare rookie cards that contain fragments of his soul. “I can never be fully whole, my legacy will never be secure until I have all 23…Read more...

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For years, Luigi’s kindhearted nature and well-meaning oafishness have endeared him to millions of fans who were willing to look past his lengthy history of incompetence. But it seems like the iconic Nintendo character might have just passed the point of no return: The big guy in green apparently left his space heater…Read more...

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Touting their new product as “the last word in alleviating hunger,” Del Monte Foods introduced a new extended-release, maximum-strength chewable peach Wednesday which they claim possesses up to four times the power of normal stone fruit. “Del Monte’s new formula combines the same fast-acting flavor of…Read more...

ANCHORAGE, AK—Calling it a “scientific miracle” that could keep the species alive for generations to come, an encouraging report from the USGS Alaska Science Center found Wednesday that polar bears are evolving aerospace engineering skills necessary to escape an overheating planet. “According to our research, these…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Laboring over the final major creative decision prior to launch, executives at a new streaming service were reportedly struggling Wednesday to come up with a name that was so stupid that it would completely infuriate the public. “Obviously places like Quibi and Peacock have set an extremely high bar of…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Urging everyone to lighten up and “save the pearl-clutching” for real problems, local catcaller Will Snyder confirmed Friday that he was not sure what the big deal was because he’d love it if a woman referred to him as a fat, stuck-up bitch. “No one ever calls me a dumb filthy whore when I’m headed home after…Read more...

The Steel City plays host to one Browns game every year at scenic Three Rivers Stadium. Plus, it’s only a short two-hour drive to the Rock and Roll Hall Of Fame. What more could you want?Read more...

Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear.Read more...

The iconic Tower of London guards, known colloquially as Beefeaters, may face layoffs for the first time in their 545-year history as pandemic closures have created a $123 million shortfall for the charity that runs the historical site. What do you think?Read more...

President Trump announced that he will resume his daily coronavirus briefings, which stopped in late April, after a Washington Post-ABC News poll found that only 38% of Americans approve of his handling of the pandemic, down from 46% in May. What do you think?Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Expressing surprise at the backlash to what had been intended as an innocent prank, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Tuesday stressing that they had merely snatched protesters off the streets as part of a new surprise makeover series created in tandem with Netflix. “Frankly, we…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide crucial relief to low-income households, Congress unveiled a new stimulus plan Tuesday that would provide a national tip jar for all Americans making under $40,000 a year. “We are facing unprecedented economic challenges in the face of covid, which is why we’re seeking to ease the…Read more...

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Anyone who follows the state of gaming knows there’s been a protracted attack on our industry over the past decade, one that threatens to erode all that we hold dear about video games and gamer culture in general. But it was not until today that we could say the onward march of political correctness has finally gone…Read more...

OVERLAND PARK, KS— Observing yet disregarding the bodies of 15 of his fellow flies suspended in the tempting but viscous substance, a fruit fly reportedly found itself thinking “Huh, that’s kind of weird,” Tuesday as it plunged into a dish of honey containing the suffocated corpses. “Granted, it’s a little disturbing,…Read more...

LANSING, MI—Confirming the man’s utter obliviousness to the root of all his problems, 44-year-old Eric Shoup reportedly remains unaware that the majority of his life’s failures are the direct result of him getting only 80% of his daily recommended thiamine. “If Eric could manage only a couple more servings of brown…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that you’d have no idea who anyone was by just watching the opening credits, the U.S. populace called Tuesday for the return of sitcom theme songs that explain the show’s whole deal. “We, the American public, demand to see a shot of the dad, a shot of the mom, a shot of the kids, and then a slow…Read more...

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Returning from vacation appearing more relaxed than he had in months, creatively recharged Fox News host Tucker Carlson told reporters Tuesday that he had come up with a week’s worth of show ideas after a Hispanic cashier gave him the wrong change. “I’m really glad I switched up my routine, because you…Read more...

TANEGASHIMA, JAPAN—After ushering thousands of work-permit holders into a tightly packed capsule atop an H-IIA rocket, the United Arab Emirates successfully launched its first migrant workers into space Monday, part of a mission to build luxury resort colonies on the surface of Mars. “Today, our bold nation takes a…Read more...

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Analysts say that coronavirus concerns have caused Americans to spend less and reduce their use of paper currency, in turn causing a coin shortage that has forced some major retailers like Kroger to require exact change for purchases. What do you think?Read more...

The Atlanta Braves have removed a wooden statue reading “Chop On” from outside Truist Field and are reviewing whether they will stop encouraging fans to engage in the tomahawk chop, though the team has already stated they will not change their name. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that any shock over the incidents was completely unfounded, Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf attempted Monday to assuage concerns over the videos of protesters in Portland being abducted by promising this will all feel fairly routine in a month. “We get that unmarked federal vehicles…Read more...

MEHOOPANY, PA—After the launch of a promotional campaign exhorting consumers to buy up as much of the product as possible, major bath tissue manufacturer Charmin faced a backlash Monday over a new ad that suggests it wouldn’t be a bad idea for everyone to start hoarding toilet paper again. “While there are plenty of…Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing misgivings over perpetuating a system of oppression, local toddler Aaron Merchant reportedly felt somewhat torn Monday about pretending to be a policeman in the current cultural climate. “I have a lot of fun yelling at kids and putting them into jail, but I certainly don’t want to contribute…Read more...

BOSTON—Sighing while staring out the window at the figure standing several floors below, local man Jeff Ipser longingly imagined what life would be like Monday if the pizza deliveryman outside his building were there for him. “To think, if I’d just made different choices in my life, that could have been me running…Read more...

GETTYSBURG, PA—As those assembled in their uniforms faithfully carried out the nonexistent events exactly as they didn’t happen in July 1863, spectators watched Union soldiers battle aliens Monday at the 157th annual Battle of Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment. “We are assembled here today to act out those bygone…Read more...

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It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe.Read more...

A Freddie Mac survey found that the average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage dropped to a record low 2.98% last week, leading to an increase in demand by homebuyers even as the number of available houses decreased. What do you think?Read more...

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Georgia governor Brian Kemp issued an executive order Wednesday banning cities from enforcing their own face mask laws as the state reported 3,871 new coronavirus cases, its second-highest daily total this year. What do you think?Read more...