The Onion

NEW YORK—Enjoying a significant uptick in viewers following recent viral appearances on his television show by New York governor and brother Andrew, ratings-hungry CNN analyst Chris Cuomo devoted an entire program Tuesday to interviewing the remaining 23 brothers in the Cuomo family. “This segment is called ‘Cuomo on…Read more...

Well, PS Plus subscribers, it turns out we have some potentially good news. As many gamers remain shut-in during the COVID-19 pandemic, Sony just announced its lineup for April, and it turns out people using their subscription service will be given the chance to download the 2004 romantic comedy Spanglish for free for…Read more...

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Wisconsin is holding its presidential primary today, despite calls from local Democrats and voting rights groups who fear moving forward with the election during the Covid-19 pandemic will put voters in danger and greatly reduce turnout. What do you think?Read more...

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday April 13th for all new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...

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STANFORD, CA—Cackling maniacally as they encouraged Americans to begin engaging in radical acts of self-care, crazed, quarantined mental health experts at Stanford University recommended scrawling the words “everything will be okay” in feces on the wall, sources confirmed Monday. “It may sound simple—hahahaha—but one…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Saying the probable linguistic accomplishment could very well constitute a scientific breakthrough, behavioral herpetologists at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that they have most likely successfully taught sign language to snakes. “Uh, yeah, after 20 years of hard work and nearly $250 million in…Read more...

In a reversal from previous guidelines, the CDC is now urging all Americans to make masks from household fabrics like tea towels or cotton T-shirts and wear them when out in public to prevent asymptomatic individuals from spreading the disease. What do you think?Read more...

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Quite often people omit the letter C in the everyday noun “truck.”

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NEW YORK—After bulldozers had demolished the provisional treatment centers, New York Police Department officials confirmed Friday they had razed the newly erected Central Park hospital tents, explaining that the structures, which housed coronavirus patients, violated outdoor encampment laws. “It’s illegal to set up…Read more...

Citing the need to maintain the country’s blood supply during the coronavirus pandemic, the FDA announced gay and bisexual men are eligible to donate blood if they’ve abstained from sex with other men for the previous three months. What do you think?Read more...

As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors, there have been many effects both on how people use the internet and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors, to reshaping work and education, to putting pressure on the grid. The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on…Read more...

After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.Read more...

Infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is helping lead the White House’s response against Covid-19, has been given a security detail after receiving threats online from conspiracy theorists who believe he is attempting to hurt the president’s image during a campaign year. What do you think?Read more...

This little stunner might only be 1/10 of a dollar, but she’s got 100% of our attention.Read more...

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When Capcom announced they would be continuing their series of blockbuster remasters, gamers got pumped to finally jump back into the shoes of S.T.A.R.S Member Jill Valentine in her daring escape from Raccoon City. But what fans were most excited about is how the developers would handle redesigning the Nemesis, an…Read more...

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Spotify announced a new kid-friendly app featuring over 8,000 songs, bedtime stories, lullabies, soundscapes, and themed playlists including country, Motown, Christian, and soul music. What do you think?Read more...

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After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all?Read more...

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As grocery stores and online retailers struggle to keep toilet paper in stock due to Americans panic-buying paper products, bidet sales have increased up to ten times what they were before the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big truck out there and they’re making a hole,” said 327 million Americans…Read more...

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CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom…Read more...

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The videoconferencing service Zoom is at the center of a class-action lawsuit filed this week alleging the company handed over personal information to Facebook without notifying users, while tech news sites also report the app may not be as secure as it claims. What do you think?Read more...

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.Read more...

EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even…Read more...

Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it…Read more...

As global industry slows and people isolate to prevent the spread of coronavirus, scientists say air pollution and carbon emissions have dropped significantly, with levels of gases like nitrogen dioxide falling nearly 30% in some areas. What do you think?Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants…Read more...

MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before…Read more...

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Well, well, well. Looks like all the mainstream haters out there are about to see the error of their ways. That’s right, gamers, everyone who ever doubted that video games can be art is about to eat a slice of humble pie, because American artist Andres Serrano just submerged a copy of Super Mario Odyssey in a jar of…Read more...

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager…Read more...

Dermal papillae, schmermal papillae—Mila Kunis doesn’t need an epidermis to turn heads. This perennial sex kitten sizzles in this casual, flesh-free look.Read more...

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to…Read more...

HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires. “She keeps bringing up…Read more...

An early Van Gogh piece, titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring, was the only painting stolen from a Dutch museum during an overnight burglary on March 30th, which coincidentally would have been the artist’s 167th birthday. What do you think?Read more...

Welcome to the No-Rules Zone! Sorry, Mom and Dad, you better head to bed. Things are going to start getting pretty extreme around here.Read more...