The Onion

NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant, financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates. “There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious, mortal realm.…Read more...

Sure, everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul, but there are quite a few pontiffs in the shocking history of the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about. Read on to learn more about these interesting, trailblazing, or outright controversial popes.Read more...

It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.Read more...

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Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present inside an Arizona mall as it was looted, though Paul says he did not take anything and was only observing. What do you think?Read more...

Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his executive authority and seeks to divide Americans rather than unite them. What do you think?Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department, Los Angeles Police chief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence. “We’ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light, and we’re taking immediate measures to…Read more...

Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George Floyd, with the measures receiving support and backlash. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew laws.

BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials, the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment. “We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on…Read more...

Well, gamers, this is a bit of a bummer. While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great, Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game’s incredible plot and…Read more...

MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her…Read more...

Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.Read more...

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Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue, saying “Richmond is no longer the capital of the Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.” What do you think?Read more...

Citing the decision not to amplify voices that incite racial violence and injustice, mobile messaging app Snapchat announced it will no longer promote President Trump’s account on its Discover feature, which highlights content from celebrities and news organizations. What do you think?Read more...

1953-54 Minneapolis Lakers: Capped off three straight championships but were unable to defend their title the following season after George Mikan gave up half the team as known Communists during a Congressional hearing.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region, Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet the United States military as liberators. “We have every reason to believe that the people of New York will welcome the American military as saviors,” said senator Tom Cotton…Read more...

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NEW ORLEANS—In response to controversy over his previous statement that downplayed police brutality and focused on standing for the national anthem, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees admitted Thursday that he hasn’t trusted black people ever since a Falcons linebacker stole a football straight out of his…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Emphasizing that he intended to learn from his mistakes and listen more to others, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday that he would hold a virtual roundtable with American hate groups around the country to better understand how they work. “It’s important to stay educated about the issues…Read more...

Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.Read more...

The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has filed a civil rights charge against the Minneapolis Police Department to investigate systemic discriminatory practices over the last decade, a move welcomed by local lawmakers who say police oversight has been constrained by state law. What do you think?Read more...

Jay-Z has taken out a full-page ad to run across several major newspapers this week featuring part of a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and signed by families of police violence victims, activists, attorneys, and celebrities to honor the life of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it…Read more...

Sustained protest against the U.S. police system following the killing of Black man George Floyd by a white Minneapolis officer have spotlighted the need for police reform in America, although advocates offer many different solutions. The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America.

SIOUX CITY, IA—Following his defeat in the Republican primary, nine-term House Representative Steve King was reportedly glad Wednesday that at least he wouldn’t have to be PC anymore. “Now that I’m a private citizen, I can finally speak my mind without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying not to offend…Read more...

Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of law enforcement injuring demonstrators, NYPD chief Terence Monahan publicly defended his squad’s controversial use of non-lethal rubber tires Wednesday as a means of de-escalating ongoing protests against police brutality. “What you have to understand is that these tires were not…Read more...

Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.Read more...

Sales of frozen food items are up 40.2% and freezer sales skyrocketed 195% compared to this time a year ago as coronavirus keeps restaurants closed and Americans homebound. What do you think?Read more...

Angered by Mark Zuckerberg’s decision not to fact check or remove President Trump’s false and inflammatory posts this week, Facebook employees who are currently working from home staged a virtual walkout and signed petitions urging the CEO to take action. What do you think?Read more...

LANCASTER, PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands, which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality, the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne’s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot. “We at Auntie Anne’s implore…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shouting “Go! Go! Go!” as an alarm blared, President Donald Trump reportedly threw a garbage can through a McDonald’s window early Tuesday morning before looting $2,000 in Big Macs. According to sources, Trump, seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm, then proceeded to stuff dozens…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn’t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful. “We got the city to drop, like, $10…Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling on the nation to honor the sacrifices of African American civil rights leaders, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Tuesday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted to see a 17-game football season and stadiums open to fans. “I quote the good Dr. King when I say, ‘Playing a full 17-week…Read more...

Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.Read more...

Dozens of cities from major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles to smaller population centers like Davenport, Iowa have been placed under curfew as the country enters a second week of protests against police brutality kicked off by the murder of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...

Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.Read more...

Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview…Read more...

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Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.Read more...