on (#5CWZE)
Lady Gaga will sing the national anthem and J. Lo will perform a musical number as part of next Wednesday’s inaugural ceremonies for President-Elect Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-09-18 09:19 |
on (#5CWSD)
WASHINGTON—Explaining they were excited to “kick things up a notch,” officials from the U.S. Mint announced Friday a new seven-cent coin to bolster citizens’ math skills. “Let’s face it, we made it way too easy the first time,” said U.S. Mint Director David J. Ryder, who shared the bureau’s hopes that the new…Read more...
on (#5CWSE)
ATLANTA—Reviewing changes to the priorities for Covid-19 vaccine recipients, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Friday that the nation was entering a new phase of vaccine distribution where Capricorns, gymnasts, and childless uncles were now eligible for inoculation. “If you are between the ages…Read more...
on (#5CWJE)
Wikipedia was launched Jan. 15, 2001, and the collaborative open encyclopedia has remained a top go-to website for information. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in Wikipedia’s history on the site’s 20th anniversary.
on (#5CWC3)
Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as hours of your valuable free time.Read more...
on (#5CWC4)
Former Michigan governor Rick Snyder and members of his administration have been indicted on criminal charges for their role in the 2014 Flint water crisis that exposed residents in the predominantly Black city to lead, killing 12 and sickening dozens. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CVA6)
WASHINGTON—As he rummaged through a closet to take stock of his extra sheets and towels, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) confirmed Thursday he had been forced to open his home to hundreds of white nationalists after Airbnb canceled all D.C. metro reservations for the week of the inauguration. “Sometimes when I’m hanging out…Read more...
on (#5CV7J)
In response to federal officials urging Americans not to travel to the Capitol following last Wednesday’s deadly riot, Airbnb announced they will cancel and block all reservations in Washington, D.C., during the week of President-Elect Biden’s inauguration. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CV4C)
NEW YORK—Taking an expansive view of future prospects for the business, forward-thinking CEO Rick Benson was reportedly hoping Thursday that his company would be able to capture a new audience by making their signature product worse in every conceivable way. “Let’s face it, this industry moves fast and we have to be…Read more...
on (#5CV0J)
Grim, determined, and emotionally unavailable to even their closest friends and family, great NFL coaches have served as inspiration to millions of American leaders for over almost a hundred years. Here is The Onion’s list of the greatest NFL coaches of all time.
on (#5CV0K)
ATLANTA—Following the postponement of multiple games as league officials dealt with the spread of the virus, Hall of Fame player and Inside The NBA analyst Charles Barkley on Wednesday blasted today’s fragile NBA players who can’t just play through Covid like he did. “Back in our day, we were tough, and we were always…Read more...
on (#5CTT1)
Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer.Read more...
on (#5CTPD)
Army General Daniel R. Hokanson says 10,000 Guard members will be deployed to D.C. this week and another 10,000 may be activated ahead of the presidential inauguration following threats from Trump supporters. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CSVA)
NEW YORK—Expressing their deep frustration with the Florida senator, Citigroup announced Wednesday that they would begrudgingly continue funding Marco Rubio after learning he had voted to certify the 2020 presidential election results. “We’ve been looking for excuses to cut off that little dipshit forever, so learning…Read more...
on (#5CSRR)
ATLANTA—After conducting a nationwide survey of distribution chains, the Centers for Disease Control confirmed Wednesday it had traced the slow rollout of Covid-19 vaccines to sweet old ladies who, with their cordial but long-winded small talk, were holding up lines across the country. “We could immediately get…Read more...
on (#5CSPD)
Great news, gaming fans! If you haven’t yet had a chance to check out PlayStation’s revolutionary new gaming system, fear not—the PS5 in an ancient cave painting uncovered in Cáceres, Spain that foretells the end of the earth looks like it contains some kind of unreleased PS5 slim edition.Read more...
on (#5CSKG)
TRAVERSE CITY, MI—Brandishing a microphone while pursuing the invasive fish along a babbling brook, filmmaker Michael Moore reportedly questioned an Asian carp on its role in destroying local ecosystems for an as-yet untitled nature documentary, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Sir? Sir, why are you evading the question—y…Read more...
on (#5CSKH)
CLEVELAND—Expressing relief that the winter activity wasn’t nearly as hard as it looked, local man Noah Maxwell was reportedly really getting the hang of clutching the wall Wednesday during his first time ever ice skating. “At first, I was pretty nervous, but after getting a few fundamentals down, I realized the trick…Read more...
on (#5CSKK)
Patriots head coach Bill Belichick says he will not accept the Presidential Medal of Freedom, citing the deadly Capitol riots incited by President Trump last week. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CSA0)
President Trump’s role in his supporters storming the Capitol on January 6 has driven unprecedented calls for a second impeachment among some congressional leaders, while others have cautioned against the move so late into his term. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of impeaching Trump in the last days of his…Read more...
on (#5CS3J)
Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids, like eating or showering or briefly sitting in a chair for the first time all day.Read more...
on (#5CS3K)
Three of the original stars of HBO’s Sex And The City will reprise their roles for a reboot of the series 17 years after it went off the air, though the show’s fourth lead, Kim Cattrall, will not be returning. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CR4T)
VATICAN CITY—As he called on the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics to pray for the bonds restraining the messiah to hold fast, Pope Francis warned Tuesday that the seals on Jesus’ tomb were weakening and Christ could escape at any moment. “Citizens of the world, brace yourselves, for soon the Risen Lord will roam the…Read more...
on (#5CQYC)
Greeting card company Hallmark, whose PAC donated $3,000 to Josh Hawley (R-MO) and $5,000 to Roger Marshall (R-KS) for their 2020 Senate races, is asking for their campaign contributions back, saying the senators’ objections to the election certification “do not reflect our company’s values.” What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CQYD)
CLEVELAND—Concluding that the museum was now the country’s most praiseworthy, distinguishing feature, the United States reportedly resolved Tuesday that being home to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame would serve as the new foundation for American exceptionalism. “While our claim to be the world’s foremost democracy is…Read more...
on (#5CQYE)
ARTESIA, NM—Still shaken after a surprise encounter with the 37-year-old educator, local first-grader Micah Dunn was reportedly weirded out Tuesday after bumping into his teacher outside of his laptop. “Mrs. Evans was walking around without moving out of frame—it was super weird,” said Dunn, who recalled feeling…Read more...
on (#5CQE8)
Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of grizzled woodsmen and lonely widowers to keep from succumbing to alluring calls from beyond the trees.Read more...
on (#5CQE9)
Amazon suspended web-hosting services for Parler one day after Google and Apple removed the social networking app from their app stores for failing to regulate users’ posts that promote violence. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CPH9)
CULVER CITY, CA—Wincing as each correct answer ballooned the episode’s budget, Jeopardy! producers told reporters Thursday they were now regretting their decision to make “Alex Trebek” the correct response to every clue in their first installment without the iconic host. “In retrospect, we should have just done one…Read more...
on (#5CPHA)
WASHINGTON—Stressing that they were pursuing all leads to bring the individual to justice, the FBI reported Monday that it had been able to narrow down the identity of a red-faced man carrying a Confederate flag through the U.S. Capitol Building to several million Americans. “Thanks to plentiful photographic evidence…Read more...
on (#5CP7M)
Senators Lisa Murkoski of Alaska and Pat Toomey of Pennsylvania say President Trump should resign after his supporters stormed the Capitol last week in an attempt to overturn the election results and assassinate members of Congress. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5CP7N)
WASHINGTON—With the swearing in of the 46th President scheduled to occur a mere two weeks after a mob of angry, far-right rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, the Washington, D.C. Police preemptively deployed three officers to oversee the upcoming Inauguration Day ceremonies, sources confirmed Monday. “In order to ensure…Read more...
on (#5CP42)
MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique…Read more...
on (#5CNT8)
Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.Read more...
on (#5CK86)
WASHINGTON—Following her decision this week to resign as President Trump’s education secretary, Betsy DeVos apologized Friday for ever being complicit with anything as toxic and reprehensible as public education. “I can no longer associate myself with an administration that, despite its many achievements, has failed…Read more...
on (#5CJYF)
January is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the realities and restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic are throwing many for a loop. The Onion offers advice for making new year’s resolutions during a pandemic.
on (#5CJNH)
WASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields, the Department of Agriculture warned Friday that 2021 would see a 37% decline the soybean harvest following reports of an albino calf being stillborn in rural Idaho. “This is an ominous portent,…Read more...
on (#5CJNJ)
READING, PA—Struggling to find a spot in his home in which the memento didn’t look mismatched or out of place, local pro-Trump riot participant Peter Bruckner, 43, told reporters Friday he was still trying to figure out what to do with his looted Devin Nunes. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great piece of memorabilia,…Read more...
on (#5CJNK)
MEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter account remained eerily silent Friday in an apparent show of support for pro-Trump rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol building. “While most Americans were expressing their shock and dismay about this…Read more...
on (#5CJHR)
Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.Read more...
on (#5CHPD)
WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to…Read more...