The Onion

NEW CASTLE, DE—As he stood on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to locate a can of soup or perhaps a package of ramen, local man Josh Mucklow told reporters Tuesday that as kitchen resources continue to vanish, he has been forced to scavenge for food in higher and higher cabinets. “The shelves I have traditionally relied…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Downplaying their connections to the man, powerful associates of the late Jeffrey Epstein have begun to distance themselves from the serial abuser, claiming it has been years since they spent time with him or made use of his secret child sex-trafficking ring, sources confirmed Monday. “I certainly wouldn’t…Read more...

NASA’s Artemis project to return humans to the Moon will include a small space station—dubbed “The Gateway”—that will orbit the lunar surface for years, providing astronauts with a space to live, research, and plan before heading out for the missions. What do you think?Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating that you, and you alone, were the sole person who had correctly surmised what happened to Jeffrey Epstein. “Despite widespread speculation and numerous conflicting theories as to the truth behind…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Admitting He would not even know what to talk about with His followers after spending two millennia apart, Christ announced Monday that He has called off plans for His return upon coming to the realization that He has been gone so long at this point that coming back “would just be weird.” “I’ve been…Read more...

NEW YORK—Admitting that the past few years of greater representation had accomplished the goal of making them feel much better about themselves, American consumers informed body-positive advertisers Monday that they are ready to start staring at impossibly attractive people again. “Look, we appreciate everything the…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing mission to upgrade its arsenal of cured, precooked sausage foods, the Pentagon awarded Oscar Mayer a five-year, $102 million contract Monday to develop military-grade hot dogs, complete with all the fixings. “Under the terms of our agreement, Oscar Mayer has agreed to produce a…Read more...

A new study found that a good diet, adequate exercise, limiting alcohol, and not smoking could cut the risks of developing Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia by 60%. What do you think?Read more...

AMARILLO, TX—Expressing concerns that he and those who were once closest to him had become emotionally distant over the past decade, local man John Shipley, 28, was worried Monday that he had nothing in common with his friend group apart from the 2009 murder they covered up. “It’s sad, but I noticed that the last few…Read more...

TORRINGTON, CT—Warning that there was nothing for him back there, local man Chris Redding reportedly declared a bedroom in his apartment off-limits to party guest Claire Upton Friday as if it was a forbidden wing of a decrepit Gothic manor. “Oh, the door past the bathroom? You wouldn’t want to go back there,” said…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Letting out an excited cheer and cocking her head back whimsically toward the sky, area woman Jenna Hastings reportedly basked in the magic of summer Friday and spent the afternoon catching air-conditioner drippings in her mouth. “I don’t know what it is, but the sensation of those big drops of dirty…Read more...

Neural analysis has found that the sexes are equally aroused by viewing pornography, contradicting the commonly held belief that men are more visually inclined in their sexual tendencies. What do you think?Read more...

PARK RIDGE, IL—Proclaiming his appreciation for ICE in making sure that those who disobeyed U.S. law were made to pay for their crimes, Koch Foods CEO Joseph Grendys reportedly applauded the arrests of hundreds of immigrant workers Friday as a just consequence for illegally accepting a job at Koch Foods. “These…Read more...

CLIVE, IA—Urging those who shared his racial background to do what they must to hold power and subjugate people of other races, a manifesto published online Friday by white supremacist Melvin Thornbill called on his fellow Americans to rise up and maintain the status quo. “My fellow white Americans, we can reign over…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reminding players that failing to report to training camp was a high-risk move with no guarantee of success, the National Football League Players Association released a statement Friday warning holdouts that they might end up having to sign with the New York Jets. “We understand you want a better contract,…Read more...

Provisional government data suggests deaths in the U.S. caused by the opioid epidemic may finally be declining after a 30-year increase. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously accused lingerie brand Victoria’s Secret of promoting unattainable beauty standards Friday with the release of their new 3-cup bra. “Women will see the Triple Sexy Body By Victoria and think they are somehow 33%…Read more...

The recent reinstatement of the federal death penalty by the U.S. Justice Department has brought scrutiny back to the practice of capital punishment. The Onion looks back at the history of capital punishment in the United States.Read more...

A majority of Americans believe the country is angrier than before, with 42% saying they were angrier now than this time last year, although 91% of respondents individuals were more likely to air their frustrations over social media than in person. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Celebrating the motivational effort as a major leap forward in worker-flagellation technology, Amazon introduced an easy single-click feature Thursday for customers who want to boost shipping speeds by whipping a delivery person. “We’re excited to announce that our Same-Day Deliveries will now ship even faster…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Expressing worries about their seeming lack of motivation and ambition, local child James Lipstein, 12, told reporters Thursday that he was increasingly concerned that his parents might never end up amounting to much of anything. “I’ll always love them, of course, but I’m starting to think that if they don’t…Read more...

SONOMA COUNTY, CA—Touting the quality and value of his extensive line of fine wines, filmmaker Francis Ford Coppola spent Thursday afternoon hawking Coppola Winery Cabernet samples to generally indifferent shoppers at his local Ralphs supermarket. “I told this nice young couple about the high-quality grapes we…Read more...

The FBI will open a domestic terrorism investigation into the individuals responsible for the Gilroy and Dayton shootings after finding suggestions that the suspects were exploring several “competing” violent ideologies that may have influenced them. What do you think?Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Claiming the products should never have left the factory floor with such blatant defects, infant-mobility giant Graco issued a recall of several stroller models Thursday after discovering that the company’s branding was not visible enough. “We apologize to anyone who recently purchased one of our…Read more...

With seven of their colleagues from a wide range of districts announcing their exit from the House of Representatives, Republicans are facing a reckoning that could allow Democrats to make further inroads in 2020. What do you think?Read more...

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MIAMI—After the singer was charged this week with two new counts of engaging in prostitution with a minor, local music fan Daniel Allen admitted Wednesday it has been hard squaring his image of R. Kelly as a beloved abuser from the 1990s with the reality of him being a reviled abuser in the 2010s. “In my head, he’s…Read more...

The reality show Shark Tank, which follows would-be entrepreneurs pitching ideas to a team of investor judges, debuted on August 9, 2009, and in its 10 years on the air has generated its share of memorable stories and controversies. The Onion looks back at Shark Tank on its 10-year anniversary.Read more...

NAPA, CA—Determined to ensure the editing team “had enough coverage to work with,” perfectionist head coach Jon Gruden forced the ‘Hard Knocks’ production crew Wednesday to film 78 takes of a scene where he cuts a rookie running back. “I really liked how your face looked in that first take when I rattled off your…Read more...

HOUSTON—As he praised the growing representation in popular culture of people who at least superficially resemble him, local Pakistani-American Zabir Jalbani told reporters Wednesday he has been thrilled to see more characters on television and in movies who could feasibly pass for his nationality. “It’s really…Read more...

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Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) introduced a bill on Tuesday that would ban “addictive” social media features such as infinite scrolling effect and autoplay while introducing a 30 minute limit on such websites. What do you think?Read more...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Becoming increasingly concerned that the man was on the verge of discovering its secret, a local iPhone was reportedly growing paranoid Wednesday that its owner knew it was working with the FBI. “Oh shit, oh shit—there’s just no way he hasn’t figured out I’m sending everything he types and says directly…Read more...

Nintendo has made some missteps over the years, whether it was the disappointing Wii U or basically every Star Fox game from the past 20 years. Through it all, I’ve remained a steadfast fan, eagerly awaiting every game release, console, and major announcements. But there is one atrocity I can never forgive. Nintendo…Read more...

NANTUCKET, MA—Admitting that his expectations about a shark attack turned out to be pretty far off-base, vacationing swimmer Drew Roberts remarked Wednesday that being eaten alive by a 12-foot great white was not nearly as frightening as he once believed it would be. “This is something that’s always paralyzed me with…Read more...

8Chan, a message board that has served as a popular resource for right-wing extremists and shooters, has abruptly gone dark after being directly linked to the El Paso shooting that left 20 dead and dozens more wounded. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Following backlash from journalists, politicians, and the public, The New York Times announced Tuesday that it had amended a headline from the morning’s front page reading “Hero Trump Disarms Would-Be Shooter.” “The original headline did not live up to our standards of objectivity at The New York Times and…Read more...

Put down those Doritos and dump that Monster Energy down the drain! Sable & Rosenfeld just launched a new ad campaign rebranding their cocktail onions as the ultimate gamer fuel.Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—In an effort to respect the wishes of the deceased’s friends and family, funeral home director Don Chaffe confirmed Tuesday that Gary Meyer’s remembrance service would feature a closed casket except for those mourners who want a peek at something really crazy. “At such times of loss as this, it’s important…Read more...

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DALLAS—Citing adverse factors such as rapid melting rates and poor syrup congealment, a consumer report published Tuesday revealed that the average slushy on the market today loses more than a third of its value within 12 months of initial purchase. “New slushies tend to depreciate quickly, with exposure to the sun or…Read more...

A medical procedure that could help women delay menopause for up to 20 years has been launched in Britain, potentially preventing serious health problems such as heart conditions and bone-weakening osteoporosis. What do you think?Read more...

FORT COLLINS, CO—Revealing new insights into the animals’ high-risk lifestyle, a study released Monday by zoologists at Colorado State University found that the average squirrel lives through the human equivalent of seven action films every day. “Before you’ve even sat down for lunch, a normal squirrel has already…Read more...