The Onion

PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities. “Honestly, it’ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay…Read more...

BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the…Read more...

Patrons packed bars in celebration after the Wisconsin Supreme Court voted 4-3 to invalidate an extension to the governor’s stay-at-home order, though several counties issued their own orders in an effort to control the spread of coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

OAKLAND—Emphasizing that the staff’s output and productivity were of the utmost importance to management at this time, employees at tech company SeedFund confirmed Friday that HR had sent them a helpful email offering tips for ignoring their mental health. “During these trying times, if you’re ever feeling…Read more...

FENWICK ISLE, DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination, scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes. “This stretch of coastline has been completely…Read more...

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Did you just pick up a Nintendo Switch? Are you looking over the plethora of titles at your disposal and wondering what to play? Well, OGN has you covered with our definitive list of the 11 greatest titles to own for the Nintendo Switch. Click on, gamers, for your answers!Read more...

At least 490 women have filed to run for seats in the House of Representatives this year, breaking the previous record set during the 2018 election that saw 102 women win their races, though Congress is still roughly 75% men. What do you think?Read more...

He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.Read more...

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—Proclaiming that he simply could not allow people to remain in their homes any longer, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday he had deployed the National Guard to force state residents back into shopping malls, movie theaters, restaurants, and other public spaces. “Today I have ordered both the…Read more...

Maria Branyas, a supercentenarian believed to be the oldest woman in Spain, confirmed in a video that she has survived a mild case of coronavirus, saying that “in terms of my health I am fine, with the same minor annoyances that anyone can have.” What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Telling reporters that the department was doing everything it could to search for answers, the NYPD confirmed Thursday that it was still investigating what occurred between an officer discharging his weapon and a suspect’s head exploding. “What we know is that officers on the scene had an interaction with an…Read more...

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The Miracle On Ice (1980): In arguably the greatest upset in sports history, a group of amateur college hockey players pulled off the “Miracle on Ice” after defeating the mighty Soviet Union 4-3 during the 1980 Winter Olympics in Lake Placid. While undoubtedly playing with incredible heart and determination, Team USA…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a 59-37 vote that reauthorized provisions from the 2001 legislation and added several new measures, Congress reportedly passed an updated Patriot Act Wednesday that finally legalized 80% of current FBI operations. “The newly upheld Patriot Act augments current surveillance practices by expanding into…Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation, sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters, a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center, must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke. “We’re in…Read more...

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country’s stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.Read more...

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The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.Read more...

The health department in Castle Rock, Colorado shut down C&C Coffee and Kitchen this weekend after the owners held a Mother’s Day event in defiance of state coronavirus safety orders, packing their seating area with unmasked customers. What do you think?Read more...

Sad? Don’t be. This turtle isn’t some innocent creature whose majestic life was cut short by an insidious plastic ring. He’s a good-for-nothing son of a bitch who has done some horrible shit beyond your wildest imagination.Read more...

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Explaining the limited extent of their genealogical knowledge, members of the Dunbar family confirmed Wednesday that they could trace their ancestry back to whatever the hell it was that grandma was always talking about. “We start to lose track of our family origins around the time that Grammy always…Read more...

HEDRICK, IA—After the upcoming county fair and its swine show were postponed indefinitely due to the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed Wednesday that prize hog Myrtle doesn’t know how she can retain her competition-ready body for another year. “I’ve been training for months with a very strict feeding and…Read more...

Q: Yikes! Just letting it all hang out. Embarrassing.Read more...

Politicians and reporters have long used video games as a scapegoat for policy failures and broader societal missteps. Sadly, it looks like that pattern of bigotry towards gamers—long a source of contention in the industry—has even extended to the recent Covid-19 pandemic. Indeed, in an all-too-predictable…Read more...

The February 23 fatal shooting of Georgia man Ahmaud Arbery and the arrests of two white suspects two months later have drawn national attention for the nature of the crime and public officials’ handling of the case, particularly after video evidence of the killing became public. The Onion looks at what you need to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to solve a longstanding source of confusion, Eric Trump reportedly requested a formal meeting with Barron Trump Wednesday to determine whether they are uncle and nephew or brothers or what. “Dear sur [sic], so I know we both have the same last name, which is Trump, so does that make you my…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the lowest rung, a recent episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort of oppressed minority. “Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a…Read more...

Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license, ending a previous exception that allowed 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to fully ban child marriages. What do you think?Read more...

Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people…Read more...

The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news that two staffers had tested positive for coronavirus, though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?Read more...

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ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your…Read more...

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DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she’d get. “Man, if you’d have told me in March…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas, sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it had always assumed the White House would be bigger in person. “When you think White House, you think of this grand place where the most powerful person in the world lives, but…Read more...

Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.Read more...

This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10, the first oral contraceptive for women, though contraceptives were not legally available to married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972. What do you think?Read more...

Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.Read more...

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, CDC director Robert Redfield, and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days following possible “low grade” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be…Read more...