The Onion
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| Updated | 2026-01-26 05:18 |
on (#52WBV)
Kim Jong Un’s public absence over the last two weeks has fueled rumors he is gravely ill or possibly dead, raising questions about who will succeed the North Korean dictator who has systematically purged high-level government officials and family members over the last several years. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52VKB)
America now has more than one million documented coronavirus cases, though health experts agree the real number is probably substantially higher as only 5.6 million people have been tested for the disease. What do you think?Read more...
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With millions of people filing for unemployment amid the coronavirus pandemic, attention has turned to how employment now compares to historical U.S. trends. The Onion looks back at a historical timeline of U.S. employment.Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Responding to the fallout of accusations against Joe Biden in a series of social media posts and media appearances, Republican politicians and commentators ridiculed Democrats Wednesday for apparently caring as little about sexual assault as they do. “The silence of liberals on these allegations speaks…Read more...
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JACKSONVILLE, FL—Capping off a lengthy period of existence, longtime person Jane Brooks reportedly died Wednesday at the age of 86. “The individual, who spent her entire life as a human being, passed away due to congestive heart failure after more than 80 years of being a person,†said neighbor Susan Lansing,…Read more...
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SEATTLE—Deciding against interrupting the actually quite gripping call on marketing and customer research, local Zoom crasher Mike Gromer reportedly became too engrossed in a sales meeting Wednesday to scream obscenities. “I planned on barging in and shouting a bunch of white supremacist stuff, but they were…Read more...
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The world may have shut down due to Covid-19, but The Onion’s army of underpaid chefs and journalists is still hard at work. Here are 10 tried-and-true dishes approved by The Onion’s Test Kitchen to help you get through quarantine.Read more...
on (#52V1Q)
HACKENSACK, NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross, a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes. “Real Americans understand that it’s important to celebrate our shared history, and we want…Read more...
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And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.Read more...
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One way developers often depict their game environments is by including a clump of grass. Here are 10 clumps of grass in video games.Read more...
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One look at the Oscar winner in this stunning Dior gown and you’ll be saying, “I completely understand why the International Telecommunication Union and World Meteorological Organization still haven’t chosen to complete ratification of the flawed VCLTIO.â€Read more...
on (#52TQP)
Health experts say doctors are administering less than half the normal amount of immunizations for illness like HPV, whooping cough, measles, mumps, and rubella, as parents postpone wellness visits for their children during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52SNJ)
GLADEWATER, TX—Following the Texas governor’s announcement that the state’s economy will begin reopening later this week, local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway. “I’ve worked nights here…Read more...
on (#52SNP)
Due to concerns about coronavirus living on household surfaces, Airbnb announced they are requesting hosts wait a full 24 hours between each guest and have rolled out new cleaning protocols intended to make customers feel safer. What do you think?Read more...
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You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goalâ€Read more...
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More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.Read more...
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DEPEW, OK—In an effort to reduce disruptions during a prayer meeting held by teleconference Tuesday, Pastor Terry McEvers of the First Pentecostal Church of God reportedly asked that any congregants presently speaking in tongues place themselves on mute for the duration of the service. “Though it is only natural for…Read more...
on (#52S39)
Saudi officials announced that people convicted of low-level crimes may no longer be sentenced to floggings and may instead receive fines or jail time, though judges can still order beheadings for murderers and drug dealers. What do you think?Read more...
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WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “totally overblown,†President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state’s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead. “It’s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who…Read more...
on (#52R2S)
In his first public statement since abruptly retiring earlier this year, former Hardball host Chris Matthews admitted it was inappropriate to comment on guest Laura Bassett’s appearance while backstage during a taping and that he found her complaint both credible and “highly justified.†What do you think?Read more...
on (#52QT2)
Amidst the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, hospitals continue to be overwhelmed and undersupplied, pushing our nation’s medical professionals to their breaking points. Thankfully, for those who game, there are some beautiful ways to relax. That’s the case for Seattle nurse and all-around gaming hero Evelyn Moralez, who…Read more...
on (#52QT3)
THE HEAVENS—Noting the ancient divine being’s “absolutely killer†abs and pectorals served as the ideal body transformation for Him, The Lord God Almighty pinned up a hunky picture of Mesopotamian hunting deity Ninurta as an inspiration to start working out, heavenly sources confirmed Friday. “Every bicycle crunch I…Read more...
on (#52QT4)
You may think that two or three clock radios can easily make up a nutritious meal, but if you keep scarfing down plates of these things you’ll be packing on the pounds in no time.Read more...
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Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus.Read more...
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In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Las Vegas mayor Carolyn Goodman called for Nevada’s governor to lift the order shutting down nonessential businesses and allow casinos to reopen, at one point claiming the city could be used as a control group to test if social distancing really works. What do you think?Read more...
on (#52QGM)
In the history of anime, there have been countless incredible characters who will forever be etched into the memories of audiences. Today, we’ll be counting down the truly unforgettable ones.Read more...
on (#52PTA)
WASHINGTON—Pulling in sports fans with its lurid, never-before-seen footage of the ’97-’98 Bulls behind-the-scenes drama, viewers of The Last Dance docuseries flocked to social media Sunday to admit they were hooked by the thrilling Benny The Bull paternity suit storyline. “He had the full support of the team, but we…Read more...
on (#52MVS)
WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,†Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret,…Read more...
on (#52MN3)
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,†said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far…Read more...
on (#52MN4)
The Hubble Space Telescope, which revolutionized humanity’s ability to see the cosmos, was launched on this day in 1990 aboard the space shuttle Discovery. What do you think?Read more...
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As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.Read more...
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EVANSTON, IL—A new report published Friday by researchers at Northwestern University revealed that the majority of knocks at the study door occur at the exact moment the finishing touch is being put on a delicate scale model. “We discovered that 90% of all knocks occur precisely when the occupant is using a pair of…Read more...