The Onion

LEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema, the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other’s genitals. “Our top-of-the-line…Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure, remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school. “Please God, give us a complete whiteout that screws…Read more...

Philanthropist MacKenzie Scott, former wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, says that over the last four months she has donated $4,158,500,000 to 384 organizations across the country and that she expects to donate more in the coming year. What do you think?Read more...

One time, she went into the changing room at an Abercrombie & Fitch, and after a while, a seal came out dressed in the clothes she had been wearing, made eye contact with us, then went back in the changing room, and our sweetie came out. Although, who knows? There might have been a seal in there with her.

Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.Read more...

A man in Virginia won $800,000 in the state’s Lottery Pick 4 game after he purchased 160 tickets all with the same numbers, with each individual ticket earning him the top prize of $5,000. What do you think?Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Admitting with a sigh that it wasn’t nearly as fun to play the game against so few people, 86-year-old nursing home resident Delores Lee told reporters Wednesday that bingo had been a lot less competitive lately. “There’s just me and three other players left at this point, so you know ahead of time…Read more...

Millions of Americans are under winter weather alerts as the biggest snowstorm of 2020 is set to hit the east coast on Wednesday, rolling in from Oklahoma and stretching from Georgia to New England. What do you think?Read more...

Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Chastising his biggest client’s immaturity and lack of concern for professional obligations, Baker Mayfield’s commercial agent Patrick Hayes told sources Wednesday that he is furious that the quarterback continues to risk his career by playing football. “He’s got millions of dollars on the line, and yet he…Read more...

The Library of Congress has selected Shrek and The Dark Knight along with 23 other movies of historical or cultural significance to be added to the National Film Registry this year. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—After consulting with an interagency panel of top public health experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that lead vocalist Vince Neil would be the first member of Mötley Crüe to receive a Covid-19 vaccine. “It’s important that we begin the inoculation of Mötley Crüe on the…Read more...

Auspicious tidings have come our way, OGN readers. Though plague and console shortages mark these lands, we have heard tale of a forgotten city beyond the endless sands, a city where the cobbled streets are paved with PS5s, where games burst forth from the fountains in waves like water, and DualSense controllers…Read more...

CD Projekt Red, the company behind Cyberpunk 2077, apologized this week for glitches and the game’s poor graphics on older platforms, saying they will offer a refund to players who were disappointed. What do you think?Read more...

MONTREAL—In an effort to add strict safeguards to the content shared to its platform, adult video giant PornHub announced Tuesday it would be deleting millions of uploads that it was unable to verify were really between a stepson and a stepmother. “Our site has taken this unprecedented step in an effort to provide our…Read more...

Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.Read more...

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Trucks carrying 184,275 doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech coronavirus vaccine left a Michigan manufacturing plant on Sunday morning after the CDC authorized the vaccine for widespread use. What do you think?Read more...

Our brother-in-law moved in after a nasty divorce and failed custody battle. Anyways, he’s “in recovery” so apparently that means no one in the freaking house is allowed to crack open a cold one because it’s not “supportive.”Read more...

Vanderbilt senior Sarah Fuller became the first woman to score in a Power Five college football game on Saturday after kicking two extra points against the University of Tennessee. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a historic moment that marked the nation’s boldest strike yet against the coronavirus pandemic, officials reported Monday that lab assistant Alexander Durell became the first American to receive the Covid-19 vaccine after accidentally poking himself as he prepared a syringe. “Unfortunately, we couldn’t…Read more...

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PLAINFIELD, IN—Blinking repeatedly to ensure that what he was seeing outside was actually real, Amazon worker Tony Ureña emerged from his holiday overtime shift Monday to find 3,000 years had passed in the outside world.

Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.

Setting an early morning alarm gives CEOs plenty of time to laugh while thinking about how they could quit their jobs right now and still be financially set for multiple lifetimes.Read more...

GRANVILLE, OH—Calling “Sooey, sooey!” and rattling his burlap bag, local Christmas tree farmer Drew Allen scattered candy canes from a sack to a pen full of ravenous Douglas firs, sources confirmed Monday. “Come and get it now—we want you all to grow into big, strong 7-footers for Christmas,” said Allen, who…Read more...

Families around the nation are putting up trees, stringing up lights, and hanging mistletoe to make their homes warm, welcoming, and festive for the holidays. Here are some tips for decorating your home.Read more...

Pharmaceutical distributor AvKare is recalling tablets of sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, and the antidepressant medicine trazodone after a product mixup led to the two drugs being packaged together. What do you think?Read more...

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When the editorial board of The Onion converged to select its Walton Goggins Of The Year for 2020, the room, composed of dignitaries, professors, and world leaders, was vexed. The American public had just endured a heated presidential election, a deadly international pandemic, and the release of CBS’s hit series The…Read more...

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer’s most celebrated works, literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had discovered an early draft of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol where all four ghosts show up at once and just beat the shit out of Scrooge. “This…Read more...

71-year-old Richard DeLisi has been released from a Florida prison after serving 31 of his 90-year sentence for marijuana trafficking, making him one of the longest-serving inmates for nonviolent cannabis crimes in the country. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following a five-year investigation into their joint social media presence, the Federal Trade Commission announced Friday it was seeking an injunction that would require Facebook to break up the really weird shared account belonging to married couple Lisa and Greg Kyrgos of North Platte, NE.

On Wednesday, the Federal Trade Commission and 48 state attorneys general filed a massive antitrust lawsuit against Facebook. The Onion looks at some allegations, demands, and other highlights from the lawsuit.

Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.Read more...

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WILMINGTON, DE—Dispensing with any air of formality, local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old son James that he would be getting three sweaters and a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, sources confirmed Friday. “Hi, here’s what I’m sending you this year,” said Southeron in a brief, clipped phone call,…Read more...

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Food Network star Guy Fieri, host Diners, Drive-ins And Dives, has raised over $21.5 for restaurant workers struggling during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

Pantone announced Ultimate Gray and Illuminating, a bright yellow, are their colors of the year for 2021, marking the second time in 22 years the company has chosen two colors. What do you think?Read more...