The Onion

LAS VEGAS, NV—Realizing the complicated high-profile caper they were planning did not, in fact, include the use of insects, a Las Vegas-based bank heist crew found themselves questioning Tuesday the inclusion of a world-class entomologist in their ranks. “So, does anyone actually know why Dr. Moerdenson is coming with…Read more...

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Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.Read more...

Starting July 15, Starbucks will require all customers to wear facial coverings inside stores to protect employees and other patrons, a decision based on CDC recommendations meant to curb the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...

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MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that he was really starting to come around on the podcast host and commentator, Greg Torkson, a local man who gets all his news from Joe Rogan, confirmed Tuesday that Joe Rogan was starting to make a lot of sense. “At first, some of the stuff he was saying sounded pretty far fetched, but the more…Read more...

CATASAUQUA, PA—Expressing regret that he hadn’t taken better care of the prized possession, foliage enthusiast Andrew Gerard confirmed Tuesday that his maple leaf was completely ruined after being left out in the rain. “Christ, it’s all soggy and falling apart now,” said Gerard, who used a hair dryer in a failed…Read more...

President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to federal prison this week following conviction for witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and lying to Congress by a jury last year. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s bed Monday to frame him for the country’s coronavirus deaths. “We…Read more...

RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up. “Every time I start playing, I can’t go more than 10 minutes…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman’s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting, local man David Keely said “Hey, I think you’re muted” Monday to coworker Cassie Boyd, who was screaming “Fuck you, fuck all of you.” “Wait, nobody can hear you,” said Keely, was quickly joined by the rest of his coworkers in…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of…Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of…Read more...

Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, while businesses including Disney World reopen across the state. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars,…Read more...

BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to…Read more...

Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.Read more...

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President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns, has been taken back to federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release. What do you think?Read more...

The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump’s financial records, the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president. The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump’s financial records.

All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.Read more...

ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months, consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form. “With over 650 million active users worldwide, Spress has proven…Read more...

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PALO ALTO, CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever, a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60% of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color. “In an effort to ensure our…Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really…Read more...

After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book, Simon & Schuster announced they will bump up the release date of Mary Trump’s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family, citing extraordinary interest and high demand. What do you think?Read more...

Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25, mass protests have continued across the country and inspired a variety of changes within cities, movements, culture, and broader society. The Onion looks at some of the most significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality.

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NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender, Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread. “This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to…Read more...

OLATHE, KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him, customers at a local PetSmart told reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all wrong. “Seriously, that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by…Read more...

SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth, a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world, but no matter where my travels take me, I’ll always cherish…Read more...

ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that…Read more...

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Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?Read more...

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Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few miles from Stonehenge, which they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years. What do you think?Read more...

In a July 4th tweet, Kanye West announced his intention to run for president, though he has missed several state deadlines to appear on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork. What do you think?Read more...

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties. “Once I heard Russia was paying out these…Read more...

ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr.…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Searching his memory for what precisely launched the investigation back in the early ’70s, FBI Agent Richard Lang reportedly spent Monday afternoon trying to remember why the agency has a file on Eugene Levy. “On the one hand, I’m sure there’s a reason that we started keeping thousands of pages of records…Read more...

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Here is thrilling news that should have every fan of online shooters drooling in anticipation: Yesterday, Activision employees operating a MIM-104F Patriot surface-to-air missile launcher shot down a French airliner over Icelandic waters, pushing the nations to the brink of armed conflict, all in the name of having a…Read more...

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away…Read more...

The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.Read more...

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