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Updated 2025-09-18 21:33
Experts Recommend Tuning Them Out And Just Trying To Enjoy Your Life
BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try…Read more...
Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times
NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or…Read more...
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
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Pope Francis Attempts To Compromise On Rule-Change Proposals By Allowing Priests To Marry Him
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy, Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him. “While we respect the vow…Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 17, 2020
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Hope Hicks Returns To White House
Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?Read more...
Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow
On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR’s Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.Read more...
Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day
Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?Read more...
Lunges, Squats, And Leg Lifts: We Try The Workout That Gave Rupert Grint The Number-One Ass In Show Business
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Mayo Clinic Offers Special Chocolate Heart Transplant For Valentine’s Day
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Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza
NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds…Read more...
BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050
Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?Read more...
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
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Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture
ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks…Read more...
Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race
Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?Read more...
Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes
The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.Read more...
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the…Read more...
‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results
Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?Read more...
‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval
BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at…Read more...
Diagram Warning Child Could Drown In Bucket Much More Clear In Hindsight
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Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die
Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…Read more...
5 Things To Know About Gwyneth Paltrow And Goop
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Man Scrambling To Furnish Apartment Before Date Shows Up
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Resigned Nutritionists Now Recommend Eating 3 Servings A Day Of Mice Or Bark Or Whatever
ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow…Read more...
FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam
It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.Read more...
Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours
NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started…Read more...
Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary
Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?Read more...
Best In Show Poodle Tearfully Advocates For Joaquin Phoenix Rights During Speech At Westminster Dog Show
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Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie
Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!
Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy
MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…Read more...
Man Has Faint Inkling Of What Greeting Card With Picture Of Donkey On It Might Say Inside
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Emergency Room Staff Assures Parents That Burger King Chicken Fries Will Pass Naturally Through Child’s System
TULSA, OK—Comforting the worried couple that the common problem would likely work itself out on its own, Hillcrest Hospital ER staff assured parents Dave and Hilary Melford Tuesday that the Burger King Chicken Fries their son swallowed would likely pass naturally through his system. “We get a lot of worried moms and…Read more...
University Of Colorado To Offer Degree In Marijuana
This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?Read more...
Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’
The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?Read more...
Giannis Antetokounmpo To Take Off Next 3 Seasons With Standard European Paternity Leave
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Website Offers Porn To Passengers Trapped On Quarantined Cruise Ship
In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...
How Vaccines Are Made
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Man Calms Down From Violent Rage After Seeing ‘Or Current Resident’ On Misaddressed Letter
ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein…Read more...
Army Guy Wears Glasses
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 11, 2020
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Fertility Clinic Employee Asks Couple If They’d Like To Play With Sperm Out Back And Get To Know It Better
OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you…Read more...
Gone South
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NASA Launches Really Nice Nikon DSLR Camera Strapped To Rocket To Gather Photos Of Sun
CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun. “Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but…Read more...
Trump Fires Officials Who Testified In Impeachment Inquiry
Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?Read more...
Oscars Ceremony Ruined
Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.Read more...
Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That
WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic, health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that. “After extensive observation, we are still unable to determine if the passengers…Read more...
‘Parasite’ Wins Best Picture At 92nd Oscars
In an awards season dominated by discussion of homogeneity among the slate of nominees and the producers’ choice to forgo a host, Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite triumphed over fellow contenders at the 92nd Academy Awards and became the first foreign-language film to ever win Best Picture. What do you think?Read more...
Man Crippled By Fear Of Failure As If It Hadn’t Already Happened
STERLING, CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life, local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn’t already happened. “I’m scared I’m gonna choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later,” said Cross, remaining concerned…Read more...
Western Culture Ends
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Study Finds Dating Apps Most Effective Way To Find Everyone Your Age Apparently Kayaking Now
ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now…Read more...
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