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Updated 2026-04-21 22:49
Nutritionists Admit You Can Just Eat Hot Dogs And Live Like That For Basically Decades
DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in…Read more...
New Report Links Nationwide Decline In Mental Health To Not Being Able To Eat Inside Hard Rock Cafe
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe. “After extensive research, we can state with a high degree…Read more...
Wells Fargo Orders Employees To Delete TikTok Citing Security Concerns
Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to fears the Beijing-based social media company could hand over sensitive data to the Chinese government, a concern that cybersecurity experts say is largely hypothetical. What do you think?Read more...
Report: This Article Something To Look At For Few Minutes While Your Life Slips Away From You
CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy…Read more...
Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available
ARLINGTON, TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team’s name to Redskins now that it is available. “Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long, but I always secretly felt like it was the…Read more...
Los Angeles, San Diego Schools Will Remain Remote-Only This Fall
California’s two largest public school districts announced Monday that they have abandoned plans to partially reopen schools later this year and will instead teach students 100% online. What do you think?Read more...
Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star
CALABASAS, CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight, actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the film’s production in 2018, he had engaged in a passionate extramarital relationship with his younger Gemini Man co-star. “We hit a rough patch in our marriage a few years back, and I found myself locked in…Read more...
Woman Was Obviously In Middle Of Haircut When California Locked Down Again
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Bank Heist Crew Beginning To Question Inclusion Of Entomology Expert
LAS VEGAS, NV—Realizing the complicated high-profile caper they were planning did not, in fact, include the use of insects, a Las Vegas-based bank heist crew found themselves questioning Tuesday the inclusion of a world-class entomologist in their ranks. “So, does anyone actually know why Dr. Moerdenson is coming with…Read more...
U.S. Policing By The Numbers
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 14, 2020
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New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible
Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.Read more...
Starbucks To Require Face Masks For Customers
Starting July 15, Starbucks will require all customers to wear facial coverings inside stores to protect employees and other patrons, a decision based on CDC recommendations meant to curb the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...
Woman Crushing Spider As Humanely As Possible
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Joe Rogan Starting To Make A Lot Of Sense To Man Who Gets All His News From Joe Rogan
MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that he was really starting to come around on the podcast host and commentator, Greg Torkson, a local man who gets all his news from Joe Rogan, confirmed Tuesday that Joe Rogan was starting to make a lot of sense. “At first, some of the stuff he was saying sounded pretty far fetched, but the more…Read more...
Leaf Ruined After Being Left Out In Rain
CATASAUQUA, PA—Expressing regret that he hadn’t taken better care of the prized possession, foliage enthusiast Andrew Gerard confirmed Tuesday that his maple leaf was completely ruined after being left out in the rain. “Christ, it’s all soggy and falling apart now,” said Gerard, who used a hair dryer in a failed…Read more...
Trump Commutes Sentence for Roger Stone
President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to federal prison this week following conviction for witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and lying to Congress by a jury last year. What do you think?Read more...
Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths
WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s bed Monday to frame him for the country’s coronavirus deaths. “We…Read more...
Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken Up
RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up. “Every time I start playing, I can’t go more than 10 minutes…Read more...
‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call
SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman’s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting, local man David Keely said “Hey, I think you’re muted” Monday to coworker Cassie Boyd, who was screaming “Fuck you, fuck all of you.” “Wait, nobody can hear you,” said Keely, was quickly joined by the rest of his coworkers in…Read more...
KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive
BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of…Read more...
Report: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine
NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of…Read more...
Florida Shatters Daily Coronavirus Infection Record
Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, while businesses including Disney World reopen across the state. What do you think?Read more...
Physicists Hail Major Breakthrough After Discovering Neutrinos Just Little Italian Neutrons
CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars,…Read more...
Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to…Read more...
Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading
Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.Read more...
Ominous Musical Cue Clarifies Audience Supposed To Be Frightened Of Blood-Splattered Man With Pickaxe
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of July 13, 2020
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Michael Cohen Sent Back To Prison
President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns, has been taken back to federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release. What do you think?Read more...
Timeline Of Officials Trying To Get Trump’s Financial Records
The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump’s financial records, the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president. The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump’s financial records.
Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away
All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.Read more...
CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time
ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much,…Read more...
Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into Form
NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months, consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form. “With over 650 million active users worldwide, Spress has proven…Read more...
‘Heeeeeeeeeurgghhhh,’ Wheezes Bob Dylan In Delight After Hearing Positive Reviews For Latest Album
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Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion From Young People Of Color
PALO ALTO, CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever, a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60% of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color. “In an effort to ensure our…Read more...
Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience
SPRINGFIELD, OH—Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really…Read more...
Tell-All Book By Donald Trump’s Niece To Be Released Early
After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book, Simon & Schuster announced they will bump up the release date of Mary Trump’s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family, citing extraordinary interest and high demand. What do you think?Read more...
Effects Of The Nationwide Protests Against Police Brutality
Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25, mass protests have continued across the country and inspired a variety of changes within cities, movements, culture, and broader society. The Onion looks at some of the most significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality.
Bus Stop Ad Just Offering $500 For Fresh Humans
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Fox Criticized For Cropping Epstein Party Photo To Remove Killer Buffet Spread
NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender, Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread. “This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to…Read more...
Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong
OLATHE, KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him, customers at a local PetSmart told reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all wrong. “Seriously, that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by…Read more...
Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds
SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth, a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world, but no matter where my travels take me, I’ll always cherish…Read more...
Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months
ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that…Read more...
How To Parallel Park Perfectly
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Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes
Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2020
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Prehistoric Monument Discovered Near Stonehenge
Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few miles from Stonehenge, which they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years. What do you think?Read more...
Kanye West Announces Plan To Run For President
In a July 4th tweet, Kanye West announced his intention to run for president, though he has missed several state deadlines to appear on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork. What do you think?Read more...
Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties
BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties. “Once I heard Russia was paying out these…Read more...
Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne
ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr.…Read more...
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