The Onion

DES MOINES—Calling it the “ideal spot” to get intubated for a prolonged period of time, nurse Tamara King told reporters Wednesday that she’d hoped the extra-comfy ICU bed was free when she was admitted as a patient in two weeks. “Obviously it’s not ideal, but when I do get sick, that remote-controlled MedlinePlus has…Read more...

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing frustrated as she tried to figure out what the latest round of bullshit tyrannical restrictions meant for her, local Covid denier Grace Paquin reportedly admitted Wednesday that she was struggling to effectively protest her state’s incoherent and constantly changing coronavirus policies. “It’s…Read more...

If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.Read more...

A Boeing 737 struck a brown bear while landing in southeast Alaska on Saturday, damaging the plane and killing the bear. What do you think?Read more...

ALLENDALE HEIGHTS, GA—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star power forward, local Atlanta fan Jalen Greene posted “Giannis to Hawks!” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly retweets porn. “We’re gonna have Giannis down low, and we didn’t even have to give up…Read more...

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English musician Harry Styles has become the first male to star alone on the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s December 2020 issue. What do you think?Read more...

WOODBRIDGE, CT—Deciding to put off making a final decision on how to safely dispose of the materials, a local hazardous waste facility reportedly stuffed all their batteries in the drawer Tuesday until they can figure out what to do with them. “Obviously we can’t just throw batteries in the trash with the other stuff,…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn’t love her anymore. “No, no, don’t apologize, honey—if it isn’t safe…Read more...

The top-ranked golfer in the world Dustin Johnson won the 2020 Masters on Sunday, breaking the previous record of 18-under par previously held by Tiger Woods and Jordan Spieth by two strokes. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Peering through the blinds into the glow of a nearby streetlight, local private eye Cliff Hardy confirmed Tuesday that it was hard for him to meet women who weren’t suspects in the murders of their own husbands, the mysterious circumstances of which he happened to be investigating at their behest. “I’d…Read more...

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Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official.Read more...

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According to the Covid Tracking Project, there were 69,455 people hospitalized with Covid-19 in the U.S. on Saturday, shattering the previous record of 59,940 set in April as coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket. What do you think?Read more...

Anticipation has been off the charts for the latest iteration of the PlayStation, and now that the system has finally hit shelves, it’s clear that Sony has delivered in a major way. Soaring ahead of its competition, the PS5 is a game-changing next-generation console that Santa just can’t afford right now, okay, Sport?

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CLEVELAND—Claiming to have received the information from “seriously legit” sources, local boyfriend Eric Armour announced Monday that the kneecap was apparently the worst part of the human body in which to get shot. “Obviously, taking a bullet to the head or the chest is more lethal, but if you’re talking about the…Read more...

SARASOTA, FL—Expressing his shock at having been taken completely off guard, local cat Muffins acknowledged Monday that no amount of training could have prepared him for his first experience encountering a mouse in real life. “Man, I’ve spent hours and hours simulating a confrontation with a mouse, but when the real…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Noting the 37-year-old marketing professional was no longer so high and mighty, sources confirmed Monday that local man Andrew Martin, who laid it on really damn thick about quitting his job earlier this year, was not such hot shit during the pandemic. “Months and months of talk about how this place is…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country’s populace ahead of the holiday season, experts confirmed Monday that the nation’s virus stockpiles were large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter. “Let me be perfectly clear: We have a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last…Read more...

Well, dang it. We’re feeling pretty annoyed right now because we just walked into the OGN offices after taking the weekend off and we were met with a nasty surprise: We forgot to drain our new Xbox Series X over the weekend, and now all the game fluid leaked out.

Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.Read more...

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Amazon-subsidiary Ring is recalling 350,000 2nd-generation smart doorbells following reports that at least 23 have caught fire due to overheating batteries. What do you think?Read more...

LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard, Mitch and Ashley Felden cheered on their 8-year-old son, Tanner, Saturday as he secured a submission victory in his UFC Jr. League match. “It’s great for a kid’s confidence when they learn how to roundhouse kick…Read more...

A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination rates along with the pandemic could lead to a further increase in outbreaks. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease’s unchecked spread, rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals. “With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care, we have no choice but to fight this thing by…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host’s wellbeing and mental health, fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey’s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite. “Yeah, I know this year has been hard on everyone, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Oprah would…Read more...

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FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine, the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise’s unlicensed use of other teams’ cheering sounds. “It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery “unbelievable,” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming. “I know I don’t own a trademark on the word ‘becoming,’ but what the fuck, Barack?” said the former first lady, who was bewildered after coming across an…Read more...

APPLETON, WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control’s Covid-19 safety guidelines, irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein, 94, was having a ton of visitors over to her house, local sources reported Friday. “Who the hell does she think she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing?”…Read more...

Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.Read more...

Professional art conservationists in Spain are demanding more oversight after an amateur restoration left a 97-year-old statue with grotesque features and a “potato head,” with many likening the incident to “Monkey Christ,” a botched repainting that gained international attention in 2012. What do you think?Read more...

Prepare yourself, Microsoft fans, the release of the Xbox Series X is finally here! Click on to see the must-have launch titles for the latest for your newest favorite console.

A Los Angeles court has denied Britney Spears’ attempt to remove her father from the conservatorship of her estate, while lawyers for the pop star say she will not perform while he remains her legal guardian as she is afraid of him. What do you think?Read more...

BUTLER, NJ—Removing two paddles from their cloth sheaths, Robbie, the little brother of local man Brian Feehan’s girlfriend asked the interloper ‘Do you play?’ Thursday while grandly gesturing to the ping-pong table behind them. “Are you familiar with the grand game? Perhaps we could measure ourselves man against…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization, the Los Angeles Rams and quarterback Jared Goff announced Thursday that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction. “We believe this is a win-win for both sides, and are thrilled to get out ahead of future…Read more...

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As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.Read more...

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Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.Read more...

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The three-story, four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $5.35 million, $640,000 under the original asking price of $5.99 million. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show, a horrified Tucker Carlson stated, ‘I…I am the mainstream media’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air. “We’ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud, and the president has every right to call for an…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the…Read more...