The Onion

WASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election Wednesday by unleashing a wave of locusts from his mouth to black out the sun. “We must do everything we can to stop Democrats from taking control of the…Read more...

The coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine even expiring before they can be used, leading to concerns about what’s holding up distribution. The Onion investigates the reasons behind the delay of the vaccine distribution:

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WASHINGTON—In response to calls for the U.S. government to do more to address Americans suffering from psychological issues, a new mental health initiative unveiled Wednesday would reportedly add 10,000 beds to the nation’s prisons. “It’s vital that Americans suffering from mental health issues have the resources they…Read more...

Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a persistent concern within the pivotal voting bloc, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that being stuck in an infinite time loop was the biggest issue for Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump voters. “Among the thousands of individuals who voted Democrat in 2012, Republican in 2016,…Read more...

ATLANTA—In an effort to keep the public abreast of the latest developments in the Covid-19 pandemic, CDC director Robert R. Redfield unveiled a list of Twitter accounts Tuesday that Americans could follow to piece together vaccine information. “Following these reporters, medical researchers, and politically engaged…Read more...

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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—As the 10-month-old pandemic continued its rampant spread and the nation’s death toll passed 350,000, top medical scientists attempted Tuesday to convince the American public to take Covid-19 more seriously by issuing a statement in which they patiently clarified the concept of death. “We just want…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Offering a bleak assessment of gamers’ readiness for the future, a concerning study from Harvard University released Thursday found that today’s tutorial levels are not adequately preparing players for the challenges of World 8. “Our data have shown that despite completing the requisite time in practice…Read more...

Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker.

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WASHINGTON—Looking back in disappointment at all the opportunities that had been wasted, a crestfallen Donald Trump told sources Monday he wished he had known much earlier in his presidency how willing congressional Republicans were to simply overthrow democracy. “God, if I’d known how far all these senators were…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shrugging their shoulders as they admitted it made no difference to them either way, the American people confirmed Monday that they guessed they would let Donald Trump remain president after seeing how badly he wants it. “Sure, whatever—he seems pretty upset, and honestly, we never thought he’d put up this…Read more...

Uh, Greg…Read more...

Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district.Read more...

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Well, hello there, beautiful.

If your therapist knew that this mug was blowing the lid off her whole scheme, she would for sure flip. Best keep it between us.Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Leaving behind a devastating trail of destruction, a 5,000-foot ball of discarded packaging materials reportedly barreled across the United States Saturday consuming everything in its path. “Residents of the Midwest are advised to take shelter immediately, as an unstoppable mass of cardboard boxes,…Read more...

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While many people will be gathering with family and friends this holiday season to eat, drink, and be merry, others may not have anyone with whom to celebrate the festivities. Here are some tips for how to handle the holidays alone.Read more...

EAGAN, MN—Intimidated yet intrigued as he contemplated the two-pound, 3,500-calorie peppermint treat, local man Mark Carroll confirmed Thursday he was completely overwhelmed by the logistics of eating an oversized candy cane he had received in a holiday gift basket. “Look at this thing—I mean, where do you even…Read more...

On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.Read more...

The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all.Read more...

Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Holding his breath and cowering in a corner as the screaming 58-year-old tore through his house, father of four James Connroy whispered “Come home for Christmas now” into the phone to his daughter Wednesday as the enraged mother ripped the stove and dishwasher from the wall. “Listen to me, if she…Read more...

His name might be Curtis? After a while though we figured we had to start tipping, otherwise we’d be embarrassed.Read more...

Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person.Read more...

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From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world.Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Aiming to make the process of forcible displacement easier for all involved, a new humane trap-and-removal program being piloted by the Orange County Sheriff’s Office sedates apartment tenants so they are unconscious during an eviction, sources confirmed Friday. “Residents often become frightened and act…Read more...

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Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City.Read more...

The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at the state-level.Read more...

NEW YORK—Describing the choice of the holiday as a trite and uninspired decision, researchers at Columbia University released a study Monday reiterating that Christmas is still the most unoriginal day to commit suicide. “Simply put, choosing to off yourself on Christmas Day continues to represent a massive failure of…Read more...

Authorities in the Marshall Islands say a boat containing an estimated $80 million worth of cocaine that washed ashore this week could have been adrift at sea for more than a year and likely came from Central or South America. What do you think?Read more...

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BRATTLEBORO, VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local woman Miranda Krall was reportedly demanding that a Christmas tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall. “Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some Yuletide warmth in there…Read more...

The Gastrodia agnicellus, a newly identified plant with no leaves and brown flowers that resemble decaying flesh, has been named the “ugliest orchid in the world” by researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew. What do you think?Read more...

Holiday programming is in full swing as networks fill the airwaves with shows to get viewers in the festive spirit, from classic films like It’s A Wonderful Life and How The Grinch Stole Christmas to made-for-TV movies and other holiday specials. Here’s The Onion’s guide to what to watch this holiday season.

Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.Read more...

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The MLB has reclassified the seven Negro Leagues that operated from 1920-1948 as major leagues and will add the stats of 3,400 Negro Leagues players to the organization’s official statistics, which will likely result in new record-holders. What do you think?Read more...

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When we first got our hands on the next generation of consoles, one of the most thrilling prospects was the near-instant load times. Gone would be the persistent frustration of dying in a boss fight or while entering a new zone and having to wait three minutes to jump back into the fray. Little did we know, this power…Read more...

LEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema, the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other’s genitals. “Our top-of-the-line…Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure, remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school. “Please God, give us a complete whiteout that screws…Read more...

Philanthropist MacKenzie Scott, former wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, says that over the last four months she has donated $4,158,500,000 to 384 organizations across the country and that she expects to donate more in the coming year. What do you think?Read more...