The Onion

LITTLETON, CO—Expressing profound remorse for his past actions, Jared Fogle admitted to reporters Wednesday that prison has made him realize how wrong he was to endorse Subway. “When I look back on the unimaginable harm I caused people by telling them that Subway was a healthy way to lose weight, I can’t believe I…Read more...

WATERLOO, IA—Calling the strategy his best chance of getting his hands on the hotly anticipated console before 2021, local student Teddy Sullivan told reporters Monday that he would continue to camp outside the nearby Home Depot on the off chance they start stocking the PlayStation 5. “It’s amazing because there…Read more...

Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.

Read more...

Read more...

Former boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jr., who was undefeated during his career with a record of 50-0, will fight YouTube personality Logan Paul in an exhibition boxing match in February. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Pounding yet another Guinness while being cheered on by regulars at her neighborhood pub, Marjorie Davies, a 90-year-old British recipient of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine, screamed, “I am immortal!” Tuesday as she embarked on an epic drug-and-boozed-fueled bender. “Nothing can fucking stop me now!” said…Read more...

HAMILTON, MT—Scoffing at the idea that anything about him was not perfect, local trout K’Lasp Slippins was reportedly offended Tuesday that a fly fisherman would simply toss him back in the river. “Look at my fins, look at my lips, any fly fisherman would be goddamn lucky to have me. Fuckin’ prick,” said Slippins, who…Read more...

Bob Dylan has sold his entire catalog of more than 600 songs to Universal Music in a deal that is said to be worth between $300 million and $400 million. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

CALABASAS, CA—Scrambling to replicate the success of Basketball Wives amid an otherwise struggling lineup, VH1 announced plans Tuesday to greenlight a new reality TV show, Basketball Acquaintances. “We’re excited to offer a peek inside the secret lives of NBA hangers-on and friends of friends,” said VH1 president…Read more...

LONDON—Cameras flashing as they barreled toward the screen upon which they believed they had spotted the Princess of Wales, several British paparazzi were overheard shouting, “Diana’s there, on Netflix!” Tuesday before reflexively ramming a car into a television. “Princess Di! Princess Di! Over here!” said paparazzo…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Suggesting that the lifestyle change could produce significant economic benefit, financial experts revealed Tuesday that local woman Anette Defert just needs to break her irresponsible financial habit of going bankrupt and living on the street. “We’re seeing a lot of young people who have gotten stuck in…Read more...

COLUMBUS—Gazing in wonderment at the beguiling enigma before them, members of a Zoom conference call were reportedly transfixed Tuesday trying to imagine the carnival of forbidden mysteries surrounding coworker Mike Sampson, 34, whose camera was turned off. “What untold treasures of the flesh, what depraved bacchanal…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted, “The virus dies with me!” Tuesday while clambering into Georgetown University Hospital’s incinerator. “Take me, flames, and destroy the disease within,” said the former New York City mayor, hopping up and…Read more...

Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.Read more...

The makers of the online video game Fortnite confirmed there will be no in-person tournaments in 2021, including the Fortnite World Cup, due to Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Surveying an enfeebled Rudy Giuliani with a mixture of bewilderment and pity, the Georgetown Hospital staff were reportedly saddened Monday by the elderly patient repeatedly insisting he used to be “America’s mayor.” “A lot of people are pretty far gone by the time they come to us, but these delusions are…Read more...

The producers of Truth Be Told, an AppleTV+ series starring Octavia Spencer and Kate Hudson, have fired the on-set doctor responsible for testing the show’s cast and crew for Covid-19 after it was discovered that he does not have a license to practice medicine. What do you think?Read more...

This year’s hurricane season started weeks earlier than normal and produced 30 tropical storms and hurricanes, the most in recorded history. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to hunker down and prepare for the worst, CDC director Robert Redford announced Monday that the coming months would be the most challenging in history after purchasing FromSoftware’s Dark Souls II. “While there’s light at the end of the tunnel, we’re anticipating some grave trials in the…Read more...

KENT, WA—Struggling to focus on completing the simple task, local man Simon Ford had reportedly caught himself scrolling social media Monday while he was supposed to be masturbating. “Goddamnit, I’ve gotten sidetracked again—it’s like I have no attention span today,” said Ford, shaking his head in frustration as he…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unable to discern any legitimate form of inquiry in the past procedures, a new report released Monday by the American Psychological Association found that nearly eight out of every 10 psychological experiments conducted in the 1970s were just crimes. “After analyzing hundreds of academic papers from the…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.Read more...

Read more...

A volunteer at Big Cat Rescue, an animal sanctuary featured in the Netflix documentary Tiger King, was severely injured after a tiger grabbed her arm and “nearly tore it off at the shoulder” during a feeding. What do you think?Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Desperate to find an outlet for his frustration while recovering from coronavirus, Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban built an assistant coach Friday to scream at while in quarantine. “If we don’t straighten up on the next drive you’ll be back coaching nobodies at North Dakota State so fast,”…Read more...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—After interrupting a machine-learning session to ask how much longer the presentation might take, Google’s artificial intelligence reportedly zoned out Friday while being trained on a mandatory racial sensitivity data set. “If they want me to sit through these soul-crushingly boring meetings I will,…Read more...

It’s week 13 in the NFL, and if you are reading this it likely means you are in first place and the only person in your fantasy league left paying even a little attention, so congratulations on your victory. But if you want to really run up the score, here is Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski’s top players to…Read more...

SINGAPORE—Hailing it as a major step in changing humanity’s prevailing forms of meat consumption, Singapore on Friday announced governmental approval of the first-ever lab-grilled chicken. “After years of research and testing, consumers will now be able purchase delicious lab-grilled meat,” said Singapore Food Agency…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to “smash that sub button” if they’d like to see some real executive power, Barack Obama volunteered Friday to inject himself with a Covid-19 vaccine, eat a ghost pepper, and get bitten by a tarantula live on his new YouTube channel. “Hey POTUS44 followers, Barack here, thank you so much…Read more...

Read more...

Both state and federal prosecutors have reportedly considered filing charges against President Donald Trump for charges stemming from before his presidency and his time in office, but many warn that such a move could cause more harm than good for the country. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of prosecuting Trump.

Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $29.99. “With the simple click of a button,…Read more...

Read more...

Emotional-support animals will soon be banned on airplanes in the U.S. after the Transportation Department ruled that only dogs that are trained to help a person with a physical or psychiatric disability will be allowed on flights. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shrugging as he tried to explain the motivation behind the commander in chief’s frequent overtures, White House dishwasher George Vlahos told reporters Thursday he was genuinely uncertain why President Donald Trump kept offering to grant him a federal pardon. “I’ve never had any kind of criminal record, so…Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Expressing disbelief over finally winning the prized piece of memorabilia at auction, Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski was thrilled Friday after purchasing a rare, game-worn Rob Gronkowski jersey. “I can’t believe he would part with—it’s got the NFL patch and everything!” said the 31-year-old, explaining…Read more...

Dictionary.com has named “pandemic” its word of the year for 2020, noting that the site also saw an increase in searches for the words “asymptomatic,” “frontliner,” “quarantine,” “pod,” “superspreader,” “herd immunity” and “furlough.” What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

PLAINS, GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available, 39th President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday, “There’s no way in hell I’m letting them put that thing in me.” “Go find somebody else to stick with needles,” said Carter, who denounced former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and…Read more...

ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid-19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant. “There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly…Read more...

LONDON—Exhausted after another long day tasting the latest innovations of the culinary world, food critic Norman Hammond was reportedly contending with a late-night hankering Wednesday for a liquid nitrogen-frozen raviolo balloon. “God, the second I woke up I knew that I wanted something really starchy, puffed up…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season, Attorney General William Barr was reportedly celebrating the holidays Thursday by giving out lethal injections to those less fortunate than himself. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the lives…Read more...

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from…Read more...

Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.Read more...