The Onion

OMAHA, NE—OSHA Special Ops recon scouts abseiled through skylights as breach-teams crashed simultaneously through multiple windows with drawn M4 carbines Thursday to launch an Occupational Safety and Health Administration raid on a local office, mere hours after receiving intel on a possible expired fire extinguisher.…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In what is being hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the study of classical civilization, historians at Harvard University published findings Thursday that show the aqueducts were but a small part of a vast, sophisticated system of water parks that once spanned the Roman Empire.Read more...

EDISON, NJ—Gazing wistfully at the maroon 2004 Nissan Altima sedan as it put on its right blinker and merged toward an oncoming off-ramp, motorist Jack Warren admitted Thursday he was “kind of bummed out, really” to see the car he had been driving behind for almost 45 minutes exit off the highway. “Man, we’ve been…Read more...

BALTIMORE, MD—Hoping to give the still-developing prospect more time to find his game, the Norfolk Tides announced Wednesday that third-baseman Anderson Feliz would be sent down to the Baltimore Orioles. “Feliz has been dealing with a couple of injuries and he’s had a little bit of a slump, so we think this will be a…Read more...

Americans will tune into NBC tonight to watch the first of two nights of Democratic presidential debates as the expansive field of candidates vie for the interest of voters. What do you think?Read more...

Indies games can be a portal into another world, letting their developers explore often-emotional themes while pursuing their own individual visions. But many of these games languish in obscurity due to a lack of interest or variable quality. So here are 10 indie games so heartbreakingly pitiful that we decided to…Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—Redefining the necessary adjustments required to address the accelerated pace of the growing global environmental crisis, a report published Wednesday by researchers at Brown University concluded that a single individual who wishes to do their part to stop climate change must remove 40,000 cars from…Read more...

BOSTON—Referring to his fellow anonymous Reddit commenter as “a total stooge,” 25-year-old Brian Gallagher ruthlessly scolded another man online Wednesday for having an opinion identical to one he held less than two years prior. “You’re just a fucking tool of the machine, defending the status quo,” said Gallagher,…Read more...

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Released by Naughty Dog back in 1999, the original Crash Team Racing has long been considered something of a cult-classic in the kart racer genre. That’s why it was so exciting to hear that we would finally be getting a modern remake. Needless to say, fans of CTR will not be disappointed, as Nitro-Fueled delivers the…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Concluding an exhaustive seven-year study of the lives of women in every American demographic, the Aretha Franklin Institute for Female Entrepreneurship concluded Tuesday that sisters are doin’ it for themselves. “After interviewing thousands of mothers, daughters, and their daughters too, the data…Read more...

It’s an honest-to-god redemption story: After admitting to friends and family that he had developed a serious problem, 32-year-old gaming addict Trevor Osborne revealed this week that he was trying to slowly wean himself off of real life.Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Asserting that the rough-and-tumble style of play he learned on Mount Olympus was the reason he is here today, Giannis Antetokounmpo told reporters Tuesday that he credits his NBA success to his childhood days of playing basketball against Greek gods. “I really honed my skills on the court by squaring…Read more...

BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly…Read more...

HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering…Read more...

TULSA, OK—Saying he had almost completely forgotten the longest day of the year was approaching, local resident Phil Garrison suddenly remembered it was the summer solstice Friday after noticing a group of pagans fucking in a ring of fire while walking to work. “Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about the midsummer…Read more...

On this episode of Are We Blair Yet?, Onion Travel vlogger Blair Ryleigh shows you how to eat on the cheap in Los Angeles by digging through the dumpsters behind some of the city’s hottest restaurants.Read more...

HOUSTON—Attempting to set the record straight about reports of a toxic work relationship between the two players, James Harden and Chris Paul publicly denied rumors of discord Friday and reiterated that they remain fully committed to the team at State Farm Insurance. “Things may get heated from time to time, but at…Read more...

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GENEVA—Calling the literal embrace of high-speed rail traffic “an endemic among pea-brained morons across the country,” the World Health Organization confirmed Friday that attempts at hugging oncoming trains remain the leading cause of death of idiots across the United States. “According to our research, roughly 31%…Read more...

This week marks 25 years since The Lion King was released by Disney in 1994, and over that time the animated film became a cultural sensation that spawned a media empire. The Onion looks back at The Lion King on its 25th anniversary.Read more...

NEW YORK—Dressed completely in black outfits accessorized only with ornate brooches, the nation’s fashion designers announced plans Friday to wave with both hands and bow slightly at the end of their fashion shows. “We’re well-pleased to continue standing at the end of the catwalk with vaguely mysterious smiles on our…Read more...

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DERBY, KS—Speculating that the sad former star was probably just attempting to relive his glory days, several sources told reporters Friday that Little League coach Mark Clancy, 27, was nothing but a washed-up former Little Leaguer. “Look at him out there acting like he’s this big deal. This guy hasn’t been in the…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Nervously pacing and muttering under their breath after having their draft board completely blown up, the New York Knicks front office was scrambling Thursday after the Pelicans drafted Zion Williamson before they could take him with the third overall pick. “We were so sure that Zion was going to fall to…Read more...

Nearly half the world’s electricity will come from renewable energy by midcentury as costs of wind, solar and battery storage continue to plummet, according to a report from Bloomberg. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Addressing the future casualties in a somber and often-emotional press conference, John Bolton told reporters Thursday that a war with Iran was the only way to avenge Americans killed in an upcoming war with Iran. “Sadly, I believe direct military conflict with Iran is the only suitable response for the…Read more...

Nintendo just let slip a huge piece of Mario lore! During this week’s Nintendo Direct, CEO Doug Bowser confirmed for the first time that the world’s favorite Italian plumber always comes back to life after he dies due to both Heaven and Hell rejecting his soul.Read more...

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ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the new financial system the “future” of digital caramel assets, Nestlé unveiled a new Rolos-based cryptocurrency Thursday exclusively for Rolos customers. “If you enjoy the deliciously sweet experience of eating a Rolos rolled chocolate candy, then you will love our latest foray into blockchain…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that a few pieces are even from a difficult single-color section comprising “practically nothing but empty blue sky,” Caitlin Roth, 34, was exhilarated Thursday to discover that the previous person to use the jigsaw puzzle at her Airbnb had left “a ton” of pieces sticking together. “Holy…Read more...

WAUKEE, IA—Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents’ house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.Read more...

POOLE, UK—Touting their new product as “the absolute latest and best in skin-rejuvenation solutions,” UK-based cosmetics retailer Lush unveiled Thursday a new line of anti-aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs. “Our new BloodBombs are formulated from only the purest virgin’s blood and are guaranteed to infuse your skin…Read more...

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