The Onion

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to hunker down and prepare for the worst, CDC director Robert Redford announced Monday that the coming months would be the most challenging in history after purchasing FromSoftware’s Dark Souls II. “While there’s light at the end of the tunnel, we’re anticipating some grave trials in the…Read more...

KENT, WA—Struggling to focus on completing the simple task, local man Simon Ford had reportedly caught himself scrolling social media Monday while he was supposed to be masturbating. “Goddamnit, I’ve gotten sidetracked again—it’s like I have no attention span today,” said Ford, shaking his head in frustration as he…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Unable to discern any legitimate form of inquiry in the past procedures, a new report released Monday by the American Psychological Association found that nearly eight out of every 10 psychological experiments conducted in the 1970s were just crimes. “After analyzing hundreds of academic papers from the…Read more...

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OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.Read more...

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A volunteer at Big Cat Rescue, an animal sanctuary featured in the Netflix documentary Tiger King, was severely injured after a tiger grabbed her arm and “nearly tore it off at the shoulder” during a feeding. What do you think?Read more...

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Desperate to find an outlet for his frustration while recovering from coronavirus, Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban built an assistant coach Friday to scream at while in quarantine. “If we don’t straighten up on the next drive you’ll be back coaching nobodies at North Dakota State so fast,”…Read more...

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—After interrupting a machine-learning session to ask how much longer the presentation might take, Google’s artificial intelligence reportedly zoned out Friday while being trained on a mandatory racial sensitivity data set. “If they want me to sit through these soul-crushingly boring meetings I will,…Read more...

It’s week 13 in the NFL, and if you are reading this it likely means you are in first place and the only person in your fantasy league left paying even a little attention, so congratulations on your victory. But if you want to really run up the score, here is Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski’s top players to…Read more...

SINGAPORE—Hailing it as a major step in changing humanity’s prevailing forms of meat consumption, Singapore on Friday announced governmental approval of the first-ever lab-grilled chicken. “After years of research and testing, consumers will now be able purchase delicious lab-grilled meat,” said Singapore Food Agency…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to “smash that sub button” if they’d like to see some real executive power, Barack Obama volunteered Friday to inject himself with a Covid-19 vaccine, eat a ghost pepper, and get bitten by a tarantula live on his new YouTube channel. “Hey POTUS44 followers, Barack here, thank you so much…Read more...

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Both state and federal prosecutors have reportedly considered filing charges against President Donald Trump for charges stemming from before his presidency and his time in office, but many warn that such a move could cause more harm than good for the country. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of prosecuting Trump.

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WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $29.99. “With the simple click of a button,…Read more...

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Emotional-support animals will soon be banned on airplanes in the U.S. after the Transportation Department ruled that only dogs that are trained to help a person with a physical or psychiatric disability will be allowed on flights. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shrugging as he tried to explain the motivation behind the commander in chief’s frequent overtures, White House dishwasher George Vlahos told reporters Thursday he was genuinely uncertain why President Donald Trump kept offering to grant him a federal pardon. “I’ve never had any kind of criminal record, so…Read more...

TAMPA, FL—Expressing disbelief over finally winning the prized piece of memorabilia at auction, Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski was thrilled Friday after purchasing a rare, game-worn Rob Gronkowski jersey. “I can’t believe he would part with—it’s got the NFL patch and everything!” said the 31-year-old, explaining…Read more...

Dictionary.com has named “pandemic” its word of the year for 2020, noting that the site also saw an increase in searches for the words “asymptomatic,” “frontliner,” “quarantine,” “pod,” “superspreader,” “herd immunity” and “furlough.” What do you think?Read more...

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PLAINS, GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available, 39th President Jimmy Carter announced Thursday, “There’s no way in hell I’m letting them put that thing in me.” “Go find somebody else to stick with needles,” said Carter, who denounced former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and…Read more...

ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid-19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant. “There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly…Read more...

LONDON—Exhausted after another long day tasting the latest innovations of the culinary world, food critic Norman Hammond was reportedly contending with a late-night hankering Wednesday for a liquid nitrogen-frozen raviolo balloon. “God, the second I woke up I knew that I wanted something really starchy, puffed up…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season, Attorney General William Barr was reportedly celebrating the holidays Thursday by giving out lethal injections to those less fortunate than himself. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the lives…Read more...

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from…Read more...

Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.Read more...

A biologist in Canada is using facial recognition software called BearID to identify and track the whereabouts of grizzly bears in British Columbia, which she says will aid in conservation and research. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Chastising the team for engaging in such reckless behavior, the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended the entire Steelers roster Wednesday for breaking the league’s coronavirus protocols by playing the Baltimore Ravens. “When you consider how many Ravens players have tested positive, it’s completely…Read more...

A federal advisory committee voted Tuesday to affirm CDC director Robert Redfield’s recommendation that healthcare workers and nursing home residents get priority in receiving the coronavirus vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—After he had pored over the results of a recent reconnaissance mission, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo expressed growing concerns Wednesday over Iran’s nuclear program, citing a photograph that plainly revealed a poster of the periodic table hanging in a Tehran high school. “One of our surveillance drones…Read more...

The U.K. culture secretary recently released a statement cautioning that the fourth season of the hit drama The Crown contains significant manipulations of the truth, leaving viewers wondering where the show’s facts end and its fiction begins. The Onion fact-checks the biggest claims made in The Crown.

WASHINGTON—Breaking with the president on his “rigged election” claims, Attorney General William Barr announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice had discovered no evidence of widespread voter fraud after clicking the warning label on Trump’s flagged tweets. “After a thorough investigation of a link to reliable…Read more...

DETROIT—Grasping fruitlessly at the mound of flesh that had grown around the writing implement, former Detroit Lions coach Matt Patricia screamed, “What have I done!” Wednesday after discovering his pencil had become fused behind his ear. “They warned me. They warned me and I wouldn’t listen! Oh God,” screamed…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates, the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute any pay-for-pardon offers trying to lowball President Trump. “When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in exchange for a presidential pardon, Americans can rest…Read more...

EVANSTON, IL—As she watched yet another person walk past her home without taking in the festive decor, local woman Kathy Legrand stated Wednesday that not one of those ungrateful pricks had so much as glanced at the Christmas tree she placed in her front window to bring them holiday cheer. “I went to a lot of effort…Read more...

CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture, local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets. “I know it may not seem like much, but when I ask someone if they can help me out, it always…Read more...

SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance, Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon. “Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you’ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it,” said…Read more...

STANFORD, CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress, Stanford University’s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64. “Remarkably, we’ve found that the 1982 release of this…Read more...

Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.Read more...

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Former astronaut Mark Kelly—who completed four missions to space before retiring from NASA in 2011 following an assassination attempt on his wife Congresswoman Gabby Giffords—will be sworn in as a U.S. senator for Arizona on Wednesday. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble, President Donald Trump’s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville, ID. “We’ve discovered an entire trove of evidence that this ballot belonging to Boise…Read more...

A boater was discovered Sunday clinging to his capsized vessel 86 miles off the coast of Florida, a day after he was reported missing to the Coast Guard. What do you think?Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever, local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson, 30, and Brittany Gill, 28, successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the endangered Jaguars fan base. “This population has dwindled down to…Read more...

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