The Onion

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. Gamers, this is bad. This is really bad. We don’t know how this happened exactly, but we were just playing a game of Super Mario Party a few minutes ago when Mario and Yoshi used a warp box at the same time and...dear God—emerged onto the board as a horrifying, fused monstrosity.

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CHINO HILLS, CA—Saying that the rookie point guard has more than earned the opportunity, LaVar Ball claimed Thursday that his son, LaMelo, was unhappy about being left off the NBA’s 50 Greatest Players Of All Time list. “He’d never say it to his coaches or teammates, but I know my son thinks he deserved to be on that…Read more...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers celebrated their Super Bowl LV win over the Kansas City Chiefs on Wednesday with a boat parade along the Hillsborough River. What do you think?Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the innovation as the next step in developing the workplace of the future, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled rows of artificial wombs to reporters Thursday after announcing the company would begin manufacturing all its own employees in house. “Utilizing proprietary embryonic technologies and astounding…Read more...

Get ready to experience a roller coaster of emotions, Sony diehards. In a press conference early Thursday morning, the Japanese console maker ushered in the end of an era with the bittersweet announcement that they will stop production of the PlayStation 5.

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President Biden announced this week that the U.S. will end support for the war in Yemen, although the complex nature of the conflict and America’s involvement leave many questions unanswered. The Onion looks at a timeline of America’s involvement in Yemen.

NEW YORK—According to a new poll released Wednesday, Andrew Yang was reportedly leading the New York City mayoral race after flipping off residents and telling them to suck his dick. “I believe that every New Yorker, regardless of who you are or where you live, has the right to suck on these fat nuts,” said Yang, who…Read more...

CLEVELAND—As he paced around the apartment muttering about the military-industrial complex and nefarious Cold War policy initiatives, sources confirmed Wednesday that local boyfriend Kyle Palmer was upset about something the U.S. government did in the 1970s. “He’s completely incensed, going on and on about how the CIA…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging the public in the strongest possible terms to avoid the hypothetical armaments, health officials across the country issued a statement Tuesday warning against getting zapped by any sort of futuristic space gun. “We recommend that Americans do everything in their power to prevent being hit by any…Read more...

PALM BEACH, FL—Breaking down under pressure while watching the Senate trial on television, a flustered Donald Trump reportedly confessed Wednesday that he only murdered his mistress because he loved her. “Alright, alright, I did it—but only because I was scared she was going to leave me,” said Trump, who delivered the…Read more...

SANTA MARIA, CA—Leaving local community members shocked and heartbroken, a botched autopsy performed at Marian Regional Medical Center Wednesday had reportedly brought a murder victim back to life. “I realized his heart had started beating, and I knew I had made a terrible mistake,” said pathologist Dr. Kenneth Lepp,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Donald Trump’s attorneys argued Wednesday that the former president spoke metaphorically on Jan. 6 before the Capitol riots while telling supporters to rip the chamber doors off of their hinges and crush Nancy Pelosi’s skull. “While addressing the crowd on the National Mall, Donald Trump was only speaking…Read more...

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NEW YORK—According to a new report issued Tuesday by the United Nations Development Programme, were it not for the Covid-19 pandemic, you would be enjoying a pleasant, carefree ride on a carousel right now. “We found irrefutable evidence that in a hypothetical scenario in which the coronavirus outbreak has never…Read more...

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KANSAS CITY—Vowing to turn the heartbreaking Super Bowl defeat into something productive, Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes told sources Tuesday that he is using this loss as motivation to start appreciating what is actually important in life. “This is really going to light a fire under my ass to kick back, enjoy…Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Apologizing for what it described as a regrettable lapse in editorial judgment, The New England Journal Of Teen Medicine retracted a flawed study Tuesday that had put forward evidence suggesting it was impossible to get pregnant the first time you had sex. “We conducted a formal review of the study after…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Visibly exhausted from his hours-long binge, Christopher Nolan was reportedly still no closer to understanding the end of Tenet Tuesday after watching dozens of YouTube explainer videos. “Wait, so what the hell was that turnstile thingy?” said Nolan, pausing a 35-minute long video and rubbing his eyes as…Read more...

Paul Grisham, 91, has been reunited with the wallet he lost while working as a U.S. Navy meteorologist in Antarctica in 1967 after it was discovered hidden behind a locker at McMurdo Station. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Stating that the pop star had made great strides in managing her mental health, the nation’s media outlets reported Monday that Britney Spears was well enough to be released back into their sole custody. “We think the singer has achieved a level of mental fitness to once again be placed completely in the…Read more...

BOSTON—Calling it one of the most meaningful purchases a person ever makes, romance etiquette experts told reporters Monday that it was customary to spend the equivalent of three months’ salary on a Valentine’s Day teddy bear for one’s significant other. “If you’re serious about asking someone to be your Valentine,…Read more...

CHICAGO—Wiping tears of joy from their eyes while describing an emotional early-morning commute, onlookers told reporters Monday that they’d realized the beauty of love again after seeing a dead-eyed man swiping right on every Tinder profile. “I don’t know if it was the way he was blowing through women without even…Read more...

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LACONIA, NH—Riding high off the casual bet he placed on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, local man Josh Hibbert confirmed Monday that he was hoping to turn his $250 Super Bowl winnings into an all-encompassing hunger that would ruin his entire life. “This was a nice, surprising little windfall, and I think it would be fun to…Read more...

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV on Sunday, with a final score of 31 to 9 against the Kansas City Chiefs. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that the structures along the city’s sidewalks had adopted technology that appeared to come from at least 200 years in the future, local restaurant patrons observed Monday that outdoor dining solutions were now the most technologically advanced aspect of human civilization. “Since autumn, patio service…Read more...

NEW YORK—Grumbling over the federal official’s nitpicking behavior, sources told reporters Monday that local judge Galen Salerno was a real stickler about the Biological Weapons Anti-Terrorism Act Of 1989. “Jeez, this guy’s really putting on a big show about weapons of mass destruction,” said 29-year-old defendant…Read more...

Voting technology company Smartmatic filed a $2.7 billion lawsuit against Fox News on Thursday, alleging the network contributed to a disinformation campaign about the 2020 election results that defamed the business. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Weeping into his hands as he realized everything he worked for had been destroyed in an instant, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Monday that the league has been bankrupted after receiving a bill for $6.3 trillion from the hospitals that employ the 7,500 healthcare workers who attended the Super…Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Looking for even one place to express their jubilation over the first Buccaneers championship in nearly two decades, excited Tampa Bay residents reportedly wished Sunday that they had an actual city to tear apart in celebration. “What am I supposed to do—knock down a palm tree?” said diehard Bucs fan Greg…Read more...

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CINNAMINSON, NJ—Nervously eyeballing the appetizer tray after the last of the wings and nachos had been polished off, famished man Evan Lee Anders finally succumbed Sunday to the deceitful whisper of hours-old gameday deviled eggs at his Super Bowl party. “No, no, no, no, no, I can’t. I mustn’t,” said Anders, who…Read more...

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TAMPA, FL—Cackling to itself as a hush fell over the players and crowd at Raymond James Stadium, a Covid-19 particle took over the Super Bowl sound system and jumbotron Sunday, asking all American to bear witness to the end of “your so-called” society. “Hello all, hello, and welcome my friends to the beginning of the…Read more...

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OXNARD, CA—Constantly disrupting the Super Bowl party with his annoying interjections, sources close to Ian Evers, a self-proclaimed “non-commercial fan,” confirmed Sunday that he had asked “wait, so why did that guy just drink that beer?” during an advertisement for Miller Lite. “Who’s that guy? Is that good? Sorry,…Read more...

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FOXBOROUGH, MA—Moments after the titanic abominations burst from the realm’s mudpits into the brimstone-tinged air, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick bid a legion of monstrous linebackers to find the traitor Tom Brady and crush him, sources confirmed Friday. “Go! Go now! You know your task, you miserable wretch!”…Read more...

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PRINCETON, NJ—According to research published in the scientific journal Ecology And Evolution, biologists at Princeton University discovered Friday that the modern-day corn dog descended from an ancient aquatic sausage. “It may seem shocking, but the corn dog we know today evolved from a primitive ancestor known as …Read more...

Jeff Bezos announced that he’s planning to step down as the CEO of Amazon this summer, although he will remain in an executive capacity with the company he founded in 1994. The Onion provides an inside scoop on what Bezos plans to do next.

Evermore Park, a fantasy theme park located in Utah, is suing Taylor Swift after claiming her latest album Evermore infringes on their trademark. What do you think?Read more...

TAMPA, FL—When asked about his preparations for the upcoming Super Bowl game, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady told reporters Friday that he had refused a request to throw a touchdown for a kid with cancer to avoid glorifying unhealthy lifestyles. “Look, if I toss a touchdown pass for this incredibly sick…Read more...