The Onion

WAKAYAMA, JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple, sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now. “Come on,…Read more...

On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.Read more...

The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard a nuclear submarine that was docked at a military port, though footage from the incident drew outrage on social media. What do you think?Read more...

McDonald’s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year, with the possibility of adding plant-based chicken and breakfast sandwiches as well. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump’s refusal to accept election results, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team of specially trained hogs Tuesday for rooting out voter fraud. “These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better than the average poll observer, making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation…Read more...

PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump’s own refusal to accept the results, a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70% of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn’t happened yet. “It just doesn’t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner, but how can a…Read more...

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Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.Read more...

A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child, a daughter named Maggie Jayne. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident, the ascended soul of late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel’s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear, sources from on high confirmed Monday. “My friend and I went to Yosemite once, and this big black…Read more...

President-elect Joe Biden on Monday announced plans for a 12-person Covid-19 task force which will be charged with preparing a plan to fight the pandemic when he takes office in January. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity, Americans across the country told reporters Monday that they were feeling hopeful for a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up. “I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit…Read more...

Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?Read more...

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election, the Aryan Brotherhood reported a record surge in donations this week. “Over the past few days, we have seen a record increase in donors who want to help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and…Read more...

Carl Lentz, known for his friendships with celebrity worshippers and for being a spiritual advisor to Justin Bieber, has been fired from New York City megachurch Hillsong due to “moral failures” including infidelity. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 presidential election, a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father Friday if they were poor now. “Daddy, I’m scared. Are we all out of money now that you’re not president no more?” asked Eric, 36, wiping away tears and snot from his face as he struggled to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action, the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic. “Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the election but unfortunately at this point he has failed to deliver on his…Read more...

NEW YORK—Blasting the former vice president for spreading misinformation at this perilous time for democracy, media figures across the political spectrum condemned Joe Biden Friday for his baseless claim that the nation will come together once the election was over. “Shame on Vice President Biden for perpetuating…Read more...

Kosovo President Hashim Thaci resigned from office Thursday to fly to The Hague following his indictment for war crimes and crimes against humanity during the Kosovo War. What do you think?Read more...

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Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.Read more...

A severe thunderstorm in the Libyan capital of Tripoli dropped hail measuring 7 inches in diameter last week, which experts say are some of the largest hailstones ever photographed. What do you think?Read more...

Voters in Utah have passed an amendment to remove a provision from the state constitution that allows slavery or involuntary servitude if it is as punishment for a crime. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy, campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging state election officials were totally disregarding his feelings. “A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes me sad and scared, and it’s just not right,”…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Hoping to learn from their failure to court the potential voter base in the 2020 election, Democratic strategists held a screening of Three Amigos Thursday in an effort to help the party better understand Latino culture. “One of the major blunders of the last campaign cycle was Democrats’ lack of a message…Read more...

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Over 600 dogs and cats were flown from overcrowded shelters in Hawaii to Washington, Oregon, Montana, and Idaho, where the animals are more likely to be adopted in what organizers say is the largest pet rescue flight ever. What do you think?Read more...

Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—In what amounts to an unequivocal victory for the multibillion-dollar rideshare corporations, California ballot measure 22 officially passed Tuesday, allowing Uber and Lyft to categorize their workers as car parts. “We’re absolutely thrilled with this outcome that lets us legally recognize drivers as a…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life, sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday. “Seriously, how…Read more...

A court in London has ruled that the British tabloid The Sun did not commit libel when they published a 2018 article claiming actor Johnny Depp was abusive toward his ex-wife Amber Heard, which the judge ruled to be “substantially true” based on evidence presented by the defense. What do you think?Read more...

ALPHARETTA, GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she’d agreed to do finally dawned on her, newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal. “I mean, Congress is…Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns, local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted voting machines. “Three’s probably more than I need, but they’re practically giving these away at the Board of Elections,” said Fanelli, who lugged the devices out to her truck…Read more...

Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it caught on a 32-foot statue of a whale’s tail. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy…Read more...