The Onion

PALO ALTO, CA—As it struggled to guide the executive toward an intense, meaningful breakthrough, a tab of LSD revealed Monday that it was feeling a lot of pressure to present the tech CEO who was ingesting it with revolutionary ideas for disrupting the global telecom industry. “Oh God, this guy only picks up the…Read more...

The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.Read more...

Walmart announced its new $98-a-year membership program called Walmart+ in an attempt to compete against Amazon Prime by providing free shipping on orders over $35. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Noting that the frozen confectionery establishment was open six days a week and least busy in the early afternoon, local man Tyler Allard added With Sprinkles, an ice cream shop with unlimited free samples, to his growing homelessness contingency plan. “I could hit that place up for some extra calories…Read more...

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QUANTICO, VA—Rushing to put together a psychological analysis of the perpetrator who had left behind the heinous crime scene, FBI profilers revealed Friday that a series of ritualistic murders suggested that the serial killer in question was totally bananas. “The fact that the victims had the skin on their faces…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the Holy Eucharist throughout the day. “I’ve started to feel way more connected to the Heavenly Father ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of…Read more...

When we heard the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + 2 remaster would be hitting shelves in September, we knew we’d be in for one heck of a flashback. Our early hands-on with the Warehouse demo confirms that everything we loved about the original titles are back in full force. (Just try not to melt into a puddle of gooey…Read more...

JACKSON, TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death, local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “tell the world I also had asthma” before dying of coronavirus. “Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn’t coronavirus that killed me—it was…Read more...

And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah.Read more...

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Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle signed a multiyear deal with Netflix to produce a range of programming highlighting issues they care about. The Onion offers a first look into the royal couple’s Netflix deal plans.

RESTON, VA—Abandoning the idealism of previous pushes for more conservation, a realistic new campaign released Friday by the National Wildlife Federation just asked Americans to take a good last look at everything. “We are asking Americans all over the country to soak up the view one final time,” said Laura Daniel…Read more...

R&B singer Akon has revealed plans for Akon City, a multi-billion dollar high-tech city located 60 miles outside the Senegalese capital that the musician says will trade in its own cryptocurrency called Akoin. What do you think?Read more...

MUSKEGON, MI—Expressing his confusion about the unexpected change in outlook, local man Grant Pierce was reportedly unsure Thursday why he wasn’t feeling like total shit. “It’s so damn strange, I woke up this morning and for some reason I was struck with the possibility that life might actually be worth living,” said…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Confirming reports of their joint foray into the entertainment industry, an excited Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Thursday they had signed a deal with Netflix to access thousands of films and TV shows for just $8.99 a month. “We couldn’t be more pleased to share that we’re joining the Netflix…Read more...

Hey, readers. You know that here at OGN, we pride ourselves on always delivering the most up-to-date insight and commentary on all things gaming, which is why it totally sucks to have to let you know that we can’t review Marvel’s Avengers because we forgot our parents are sending us to church camp for two weeks.

NEW YORK—Proudly declaring that they never thought they’d see the day their vision would finally be realized, streaming service Spotify reportedly celebrated Thursday the platform’s 100th dollar given to artists. “When we launched Spotify in 2008, our mission was to reward artists when customers listened to music, and…Read more...

FAIR LAWN, NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people, Yankees fan Emma Parker admitted Thursday that she was tired of having to prove that she’s a genuine asshole. “People look at me wearing pinstripes and they just assume I’m just pretending to be a huge prick,”…Read more...

WALTHAM, MA—Concluding that their unmanned aerial weapons platform would now advance to the next stage of evaluation, engineers at Raytheon announced Thursday that they had successfully tested their new combat drone on mice. “We’re pleased to inform the public that the cutting-edge Spider II drone has passed…Read more...

Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.Read more...

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Iowa State University announced that 25,000 masked fans will be admitted into Jack Trice Stadium for the first football game of the season, even as the state has seen a 92% increase in new coronavirus cases over the last week. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the evidence “troubling,” researchers from the Economic Policy Institute issued a statement Wednesday warning Americans that money withering to ash in their hands could be a sign of a recession. “We found that numerous $5 bills suddenly turning into a powdery residue that slips through your fingers…Read more...

Despite calls from the governor to stay away and allow residents to heal, President Trump on Tuesday toured Kenosha, Wisconsin, where an armed militant killed two people at a protest days after a police officer shot 29-year-old Jacob Blake. What do you think?Read more...

PRESCOTT, AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model, area woman Laura Bauer, a conscientious SUV shopper, confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident. “All I’m looking for is a sturdy, reliable…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that he hoped to pave a way for future Black filmmakers-turned-financial-regulators, Tyler Perry announced Wednesday the expansion of his entertainment empire into a central banking system with the launch of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve. “I always emphasize the importance of ownership, so it only…Read more...

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing shock at the indecent architectural structure, local Vermont man Beau Colton told reporters Wednesday he was aghast after catching sight of a topless bridge out in public. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but there it was, right in broad daylight in the middle of the road, hanging out…Read more...

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Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Despite years of bragging about her matchmaking skills, Kelly Peerman, the friend who introduced local couple Jordan and Melissa Gantner, was not so high and mighty now that they were getting divorced, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, well, well, it looks like old cupid over here might have missed the…Read more...

GRAPEVINE, TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one’s youngest, child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular, revitalizing Elmer’s glue peels. “There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer’s Glue-All…Read more...

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Labor Day weekend sales will likely be greatly reduced this year as increased demand from consumers and reduced manufacturing capabilities have made it difficult for stores to keep appliances in stock. What do you think?Read more...

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president’s endorsement, local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist.…Read more...

The Federal Aviation Administration has awarded Amazon an air carrier certificate, clearing the way for the e-commerce giant to begin testing unmanned aircraft deliveries to customers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Taking a firm stand ahead of his visit to the Wisconsin, President Donald Trump vigorously defended Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse Tuesday as a racist white supremacist. “People are taking his actions completely out of context, but you’ve got to realize this kid was a brave racist who crossed state lines…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had already earmarked tens of millions of dollars toward funding the vital medication, the FDA reportedly promised Tuesday to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked Covid-19 vaccine. “Developing a response to address the effects of the accelerated coronavirus…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Waxing philosophic about the team’s chemistry and grit over the dinner table, media mogul Bill Simmons critiqued his wife’s lasagna Tuesday by insisting that the 1985-1986 Boston Celtics were still better. “You made a great marinara sauce, honey, but it doesn’t quite blend together like Bird, Parish, and…Read more...

Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans can best protect themselves from burglary, a report from the Pew Center released Tuesday found that the majority of break-ins occur while a security guard is watching an aerobics video and eating a big bowl of chili. “Our research indicates that, by far, the most common…Read more...

OXFORD, UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number, historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser. “We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with…Read more...

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WENHAM, MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8-year-old’s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal. “Emily’s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and …Read more...

Former Vice President Joe Biden will begin visiting voters in battleground states across the country after the pandemic forced his campaign to halt in-person events earlier this year. What do you think?Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—Describing the move as a long-term investment in cutting-edge technology, social media giant Facebook announced Monday the purchase of Oculus VR for an additional $2 billion after forgetting they already bought the company in 2014. “We saw an opportunity to become a leader in the virtual reality space…Read more...