The Onion

Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.Read more...

Spend the months and years leading up to quarantine being a caring and genuinely interesting enough person that spending a few months apart doesn’t make everyone forget that you exist.

Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, will plead guilty to conspiracy charges for their role in the 2019 college admissions scandal, with the couple facing between two to five months in jail and nearly $300,000 in fines between them. What do you think?Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Referring to the decision to open his doors to the Steeler quarterback as “brash and wrongheaded,” Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf told reporters Friday that he was upset at a local barber for being so reckless as to get near Ben Roethlisberger. “I’m angry that some people in Pennsylvania still don’t…Read more...

BEIJING—In an effort to prepare Chinese citizens for the ongoing pandemic, President Xi Jinping struck a dour note Friday, warning that a second wave of coronavirus had the potential to disappear thousands of Hong Kong residents. “If Coronavirus cases begin to spike again, we all have to be ready for a tragic reality…Read more...

While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.Read more...

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Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news, gamers! A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred, transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come. Early this Friday morning, 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously…Read more...

Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.

An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?

In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.Read more...

Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!Read more...

ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that…Read more...

NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all…Read more...

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Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following a two-month shutdown due to the pandemic, highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations. What do you think?Read more...

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BETHESDA, MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call, Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he’s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life. “Yeah, skipping past some of the financials for a second, I think it’s worthwhile to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now, the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans. “We take diversity seriously, and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease’s likely voting preferences, the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November. “The question of which candidate this…Read more...

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “Stuck With U” to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “Gooba,” a claim both the artists and magazine deny. What do you think?Read more...

Kogo obchodzi ile masz lat? Ten facet wie że jesteś taki młody jak się czujesz.Read more...

CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out…Read more...

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Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.Read more...

As Memorial Day approaches, every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders put in place to reduce the spread of Covid-19, though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike in new cases. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in. “To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether…Read more...

NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature’s promotional clothing, an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004% of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs…Read more...

July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”Read more...

If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake, it’s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix’s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay. Well, good news, Final Fantasy fans! It looks like…Read more...

CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence, conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Eric! Great to see you,” said the…Read more...

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One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures, Notre Dame announced its fall semester will start early and end by Thanksgiving, which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood of transmitting the coronavirus on campus. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile, the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year’s Eve. “According to our data, Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at…Read more...

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The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.Read more...

President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on,…Read more...

SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential…Read more...

BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I…Read more...

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but…Read more...

“You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom Morissette was addressing in this timeless cut off the celebrated ’90s album Jagged Little Pill, the songwriter herself recently admitted what many had long suspected: The tune was written about renowned actor…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember…Read more...

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