The Onion

On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.Read more...

The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all.Read more...

Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Holding his breath and cowering in a corner as the screaming 58-year-old tore through his house, father of four James Connroy whispered “Come home for Christmas now” into the phone to his daughter Wednesday as the enraged mother ripped the stove and dishwasher from the wall. “Listen to me, if she…Read more...

His name might be Curtis? After a while though we figured we had to start tipping, otherwise we’d be embarrassed.Read more...

Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person.Read more...

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From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world.Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—Aiming to make the process of forcible displacement easier for all involved, a new humane trap-and-removal program being piloted by the Orange County Sheriff’s Office sedates apartment tenants so they are unconscious during an eviction, sources confirmed Friday. “Residents often become frightened and act…Read more...

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Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City.Read more...

The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at the state-level.Read more...

NEW YORK—Describing the choice of the holiday as a trite and uninspired decision, researchers at Columbia University released a study Monday reiterating that Christmas is still the most unoriginal day to commit suicide. “Simply put, choosing to off yourself on Christmas Day continues to represent a massive failure of…Read more...

Authorities in the Marshall Islands say a boat containing an estimated $80 million worth of cocaine that washed ashore this week could have been adrift at sea for more than a year and likely came from Central or South America. What do you think?Read more...

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BRATTLEBORO, VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local woman Miranda Krall was reportedly demanding that a Christmas tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall. “Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some Yuletide warmth in there…Read more...

The Gastrodia agnicellus, a newly identified plant with no leaves and brown flowers that resemble decaying flesh, has been named the “ugliest orchid in the world” by researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew. What do you think?Read more...

Holiday programming is in full swing as networks fill the airwaves with shows to get viewers in the festive spirit, from classic films like It’s A Wonderful Life and How The Grinch Stole Christmas to made-for-TV movies and other holiday specials. Here’s The Onion’s guide to what to watch this holiday season.

Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.Read more...

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The MLB has reclassified the seven Negro Leagues that operated from 1920-1948 as major leagues and will add the stats of 3,400 Negro Leagues players to the organization’s official statistics, which will likely result in new record-holders. What do you think?Read more...

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When we first got our hands on the next generation of consoles, one of the most thrilling prospects was the near-instant load times. Gone would be the persistent frustration of dying in a boss fight or while entering a new zone and having to wait three minutes to jump back into the fray. Little did we know, this power…Read more...

LEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema, the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other’s genitals. “Our top-of-the-line…Read more...

WICHITA, KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure, remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school. “Please God, give us a complete whiteout that screws…Read more...

Philanthropist MacKenzie Scott, former wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, says that over the last four months she has donated $4,158,500,000 to 384 organizations across the country and that she expects to donate more in the coming year. What do you think?Read more...

One time, she went into the changing room at an Abercrombie & Fitch, and after a while, a seal came out dressed in the clothes she had been wearing, made eye contact with us, then went back in the changing room, and our sweetie came out. Although, who knows? There might have been a seal in there with her.

Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.Read more...

A man in Virginia won $800,000 in the state’s Lottery Pick 4 game after he purchased 160 tickets all with the same numbers, with each individual ticket earning him the top prize of $5,000. What do you think?Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Admitting with a sigh that it wasn’t nearly as fun to play the game against so few people, 86-year-old nursing home resident Delores Lee told reporters Wednesday that bingo had been a lot less competitive lately. “There’s just me and three other players left at this point, so you know ahead of time…Read more...

Millions of Americans are under winter weather alerts as the biggest snowstorm of 2020 is set to hit the east coast on Wednesday, rolling in from Oklahoma and stretching from Georgia to New England. What do you think?Read more...

Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Chastising his biggest client’s immaturity and lack of concern for professional obligations, Baker Mayfield’s commercial agent Patrick Hayes told sources Wednesday that he is furious that the quarterback continues to risk his career by playing football. “He’s got millions of dollars on the line, and yet he…Read more...

The Library of Congress has selected Shrek and The Dark Knight along with 23 other movies of historical or cultural significance to be added to the National Film Registry this year. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—After consulting with an interagency panel of top public health experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that lead vocalist Vince Neil would be the first member of Mötley Crüe to receive a Covid-19 vaccine. “It’s important that we begin the inoculation of Mötley Crüe on the…Read more...

Auspicious tidings have come our way, OGN readers. Though plague and console shortages mark these lands, we have heard tale of a forgotten city beyond the endless sands, a city where the cobbled streets are paved with PS5s, where games burst forth from the fountains in waves like water, and DualSense controllers…Read more...

CD Projekt Red, the company behind Cyberpunk 2077, apologized this week for glitches and the game’s poor graphics on older platforms, saying they will offer a refund to players who were disappointed. What do you think?Read more...

MONTREAL—In an effort to add strict safeguards to the content shared to its platform, adult video giant PornHub announced Tuesday it would be deleting millions of uploads that it was unable to verify were really between a stepson and a stepmother. “Our site has taken this unprecedented step in an effort to provide our…Read more...

Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.Read more...

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Trucks carrying 184,275 doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech coronavirus vaccine left a Michigan manufacturing plant on Sunday morning after the CDC authorized the vaccine for widespread use. What do you think?Read more...

Our brother-in-law moved in after a nasty divorce and failed custody battle. Anyways, he’s “in recovery” so apparently that means no one in the freaking house is allowed to crack open a cold one because it’s not “supportive.”Read more...

Vanderbilt senior Sarah Fuller became the first woman to score in a Power Five college football game on Saturday after kicking two extra points against the University of Tennessee. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a historic moment that marked the nation’s boldest strike yet against the coronavirus pandemic, officials reported Monday that lab assistant Alexander Durell became the first American to receive the Covid-19 vaccine after accidentally poking himself as he prepared a syringe. “Unfortunately, we couldn’t…Read more...

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