The Onion

NAPERVILLE, IL—Struggling to recover after suffering such a severe assault, the masculinity of local dad Robert Banzino reportedly sustained a devastating blow Tuesday when his neighbor Mark Stewart took it upon himself to shovel the snow from Banzino’s sidewalk for him. “Hey, buddy, I hope you don’t mind that I went…Read more...

Myanmar’s military detained politicians and took over the government on Monday morning, claiming without evidence that the country’s November elections results were fraudulent. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Demanding accountability from the entertainment industry for its role in promoting the outdated trope, activists issued a petition Tuesday calling on sitcom producers to reckon with the genre’s troubling history of sarcastic attitudes. “From Carla on Cheers to April on Parks And Recreation, these demeaning…Read more...

DOVER, MA—Confessing that they’d been destined to become show-business darlings since they were born into a wealthy family, shy brothers Mark and Anthony Weber told reporters Tuesday they were already feeling pressure to become auteur filmmakers. “Growing up as introverted, soft-spoken siblings with a keen eye for…Read more...

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Plus, from royalty to recluse, we’ll sit down with a former prom king who now lives anonymously among the commoners.Read more...

Scientists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration say they have discovered a new species of whale after genetic testing revealed the critically endangered Rice’s whale is not related to other whales found in the Gulf of Mexico. What do you think?Read more...

ALBANY, NY—In response to criticism over his handling of the pandemic, New York governor Andrew Cuomo reportedly unveiled a plan Monday to reduce the spread of Covid-19 at nursing homes by throwing all residents out onto the street. “The elderly are one of the groups most vulnerable to Covid, and we will dramatically…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying the day served as a sobering reminder of the pandemic’s toll on the nation, CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer announced Monday that the country had reached a grim milestone as the number of Covid-19 deaths surpassed the jelly beans in a nearby glass jar. “Today, we mark a somber occasion as estimates show those…Read more...

SKOKIE, IL—In an effort to ensure that potential mates wouldn’t get the wrong idea, local woman Karen Dugas told reporters Monday she was always quick to clarify that the child in her dating profile picture wasn’t actually alive anymore. “It’s such a cute snapshot of the two of us at her second birthday party that I…Read more...

NEW YORK—Horrified by their glaring oversight, top executives at BET reportedly began to panic Monday after realizing they had no programming lined up for the observance of Black History Month. “No, no, no, you’ve got to be kidding me—that’s this month?” visibly frazzled network president Scott Mills said as he pored…Read more...

The Girl Scouts announced that due to the pandemic consumers can now purchase cookies online and have their items delivered via Grubhub, with proceeds going to local troops based on the purchaser’s area code. What do you think?Read more...

UPDATE: We’ve been informed by our legal team that taking an article wholesale from another website is not actually permissible by U.S. copyright law, and we deleted the rest of the explainer out of an abundance of caution. Unfortunately, this doesn’t get us any closer to understanding what exactly happened with…Read more...

ROSE CITY, MI—Dismissing the accusations as nothing more than the baseless attempts of a deep-state conspiracy to attack former President Trump’s supporters, insurrectionist truther Thomas Keleher declared Monday that he doesn’t believe he was present at the Capitol riot. “Look, anybody could’ve taken selfies of me…Read more...

It’s an awe-inspiring scientific advancement, but is it ethical? Hear why critics say these geneticists shouldn’t be playing God on God by making God.Read more...

Cheech Marin, one half of the 1970s comedy duo Cheech & Chong, announced plans to open an art museum dedicated to Mexican American art and culture later this year. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to the online brokering app halting trading on GameStop ($GME) after a surge in activity, Redditors filed a class-action lawsuit this week alleging that Robinhood has been on some bitch shit lately. “Robinhood willfully deprived investors of their hard-earned tendies,” read the brief in part,…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Championing the series of posts that were completely littered with factual errors and misinformation, dozens of Twitter users reportedly commented ‘This’ Friday on a thread incorrectly explaining a recent news story. “Omg, FINALLY someone is pointing out what’s really going on,” said user JackSkellington88…Read more...

This week, a group of Reddit users spearheaded a campaign to purchase stock options in video-game retailer GameStop, driving up the stock price and leading to financial repercussions. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at what happened.

ORRVILLE, OH—With calls for a mass boycott of the spreadable topping growing on social media, Jif peanut butter and its parent company, J.M. Smucker, were reportedly facing fierce criticism Friday for a new commercial that claims children with peanut allergies are just lying for the attention. “Kids lie about…Read more...

A team of health care workers stuck in traffic during a snowstorm walked from vehicle to vehicle offering to inject drivers with doses of coronavirus vaccine that would have otherwise expired before the team could return to the clinic. What do you think?Read more...

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MOTALA, SWEDEN—According to a report published Friday by researchers from Lund University, the fossilized skeleton of an ancient man revealed that he likely died from being smashed in the skull by an archaeological pickaxe. “All evidence points to the fact this ancient man, who we estimate lived 4,500 to 5,000 years…Read more...

Hear why, when they snap their fingers, you will make the sound a donkey makes.Read more...

A new study published in the journal Nature found that the number of oceanic sharks and rays have declined by 71% in the last 50 years, mostly due to overfishing. What do you think?Read more...

If you were as big of a fan of Ocarina Of Time as a kid, you must have tons of fond memories of using the game’s eponymous musical instrument to solve puzzles and teleport across the kingdom of Hyrule. Frankly, it was one of the most incredible parts of leading Link on his quest to defeat the evil king Ganondorf. So, …Read more...

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SARASOTA, FL—The nation teetering on the edge of chaos far greater than he had yet comprehended, President Joe Biden reportedly continued reading a passage from The Pet Goat to schoolchildren Thursday after being informed of the GameStop situation. According to observers, White House chief of staff Ron Klain entered…Read more...

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—The spinning head of Jim Cramer reportedly began to make rapid 180-degree rotations during Thursday’s taping of Mad Money, with the dueling front and back faces of the show’s host screaming “Buy! No, sell! No, buy!” as they offered conflicting tips on the GameStop short squeeze. “Other people will…Read more...

The American Library Association awarded the John Newbery Medal to author Tae Keller for her children’s book When You Trap A Tiger, a story about a biracial girl who considers making a deal with a magical tiger to save her dying grandmother. What do you think?Read more...

ORLANDO—In an effort to update its attractions for the current era, Disney announced Thursday that it would be installing animatronic Christian missionaries to convert natives on the Jungle Cruise ride. “We understand that people have been offended by these Christless savages, which is why we’re taking immediate steps…Read more...

MALVERN, PA—Demonstrating just how vulnerable a large segment of the populace is to dermatological emergencies, a new report released Thursday by the Vanguard Group found that most Americans don’t have enough reward points saved to cover the expense of a sudden skincare disaster. “Nearly 60% of U.S. residents don’t…Read more...

Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest.Read more...

The Appalachian Trail Conservancy is urging hikers to postpone long-distance treks until after the pandemic, citing the inability to properly socially distance when using the shelters that run along the 2,193-mile trail. What do you think?Read more...

MEDFIELD, MA—Criticizing the Baseball Writers’ Association of America for factoring social justice into their decision-making process, retired pitcher Curt Schilling insisted Wednesday that he’d already be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame if the MLB had never racially integrated. “I wish the media would put…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Signing an executive order that would place the policy into effect immediately, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that he had authorized the United States military to shoot down any harmful greenhouse gases that enter the nation’s airspace. “With this executive order, I’m directing the military to use…Read more...

The privately funded aerospace company Axiom announced their first commercial crew to visit the International Space Station will include three citizens, who each paid $55 million to be part of the eight day visit. What do you think?Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—In an effort to crack down on the rapid proliferation of such uploads across the platform, YouTube released a press statement Wednesday revealing they had removed thousands of underperforming Covid-19 misinformation videos from their site. “After careful consideration, our team concluded that these…Read more...

NEW YORK—Denouncing the corrupt system that sees the Dallas elite jumping into powerful positions with no competition, NFL reformers issued a statement Wednesday criticizing the league’s Cowboys-to-broadcast booth pipeline. “All these people do is land a position or coaching job on the Cowboys, and that guarantees a…Read more...

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In a move that shocked and angered city residents, including families that have called the area home for centuries, an increasingly bold Israel announced Tuesday that it had begun building settlements for its citizens in downtown Albuquerque, NM. “Our High Planning Committee has approved 1,200 new…Read more...

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Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it.Read more...

Paleontologists say new fossil evidence suggests Tyrannosaurs, a smaller cousin of the T-Rex, were the “size of a border collie” when hatched. What do you think?Read more...

The 50-50 deadlock in the Senate has led to calls for Democrats to eliminate the filibuster, which requires 60 votes for much of the chamber’s legislation to pass, in order to enact President Biden’s agenda, while opponents from both sides of the aisle warn of unintended consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and…Read more...

KEYSTONE, SD—Growing increasingly still as the haze of patriotism lulled them into an enchanted rest, the National Guard reportedly returned to their endless sleep underneath Mount Rushmore Tuesday until the nation was ready to call upon them again. “The National Guard issued a solemn salute to the flag before…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that a full-blown tantrum may be imminent, experts from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed Tuesday that severe weather will continue worldwide until the gargantuan child currently shaking Earth’s snow globe calms down. “We expect the onslaught of blizzards,…Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging the nation’s populace to remain vigilant against the lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Tuesday to warn of an even more deadly Covid variant after the virus mutated into notorious serial killer Richard Ramirez. “In an effort to avoid this virus, we are asking all…Read more...

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