The Onion

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan’s final championship, The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046. “I hear people’s frustrations, but we wanted…Read more...

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WILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to…Read more...

PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing…Read more...

Everyone recognizes Jessica Alba from her extensive work in television and on the silver screen, but did you know that long before the Hollywood bombshell made it big in the entertainment world she was actually Husrev Tevetoğlu, an elderly Turkish man?Read more...

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Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.Read more...

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Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this year, though details on how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic, top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. “As today’s report from the Bureau of Labor…Read more...

In a poll conducted by the Washington Post, nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes, though analysts warn that up to 40% of jobs could be permanently lost. What do you think?Read more...

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Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy, a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $360,000 to the president’s reelection fundraising committee since January, as the 75th chief executive officer of the United States Postal Service. What do you think?Read more...

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.Read more...

NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip,…Read more...

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.Read more...

Well, would you look at that, a slice of bread. You see it everyday, but you probably don’t look very closely. Well, that’s about to change. Let’s zoom in a little bit.Read more...

After Babel debuted to acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival, critics compared it to your previous films Amores Perros and 21 Grams.Read more...

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.

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NEW YORK—In a manner sources described as “effortlessly chill,” actress Chloë Sevigny reportedly said “Hey” Thursday in a cool, unaffected greeting to her firstborn child. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” said Sevigny, addressing her newborn son for the first time with mild interest as she glanced around the room. “New here?…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction, NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a local black teen was only coughing because he had just been choking him. “Oh God, please let that be a barely clinging-to-life cough and not a dry cough,” said MacLeod, explaining…Read more...

NEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Searching the expansive property for a location that wouldn’t be too ostentatious, college student Maria Visone was attempting to find the shabbiest angle in her parents’ penthouse to Zoom into class from, sources confirmed Thursday. “Maybe I can kind of just point it against this corner and no one will…Read more...

Researchers in Belgium are studying whether antibodies from llamas could help neutralize Covid-19 infections, noting that the animals produce proteins that have the ability to bind to the coronavirus’s spiky exterior. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle, the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos. “For crying out loud, they’re all…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Calling scorekeepers the foundational pillars of their business, representatives from Golden Boy Promotions announced plans Friday to apply for a Paycheck Protection Program loan to continue paying off boxing judges during the coronavirus pandemic. “We’re not bringing much money right now, but that doesn’t…Read more...

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That sturdy black handle, the 10-inch blade, that glinting serrated edge—that’s gotta take you right back!Read more...

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With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.Read more...

Nearly 20% of Wendy’s restaurants are currently unable to serve hamburgers as the company faces meat shortages due to the pandemic, with analysts noting the fast food chain has been harder hit than its competitors because it uses fresher beef for its products. What do you think?Read more...

With air travel down 96%, several U.S. airlines have announced that passengers will now be required to wear face coverings at check-in areas, lounges, boarding gates, and on the plane for the duration of their flight. What do you think?Read more...

WESTCHESTER, MA—Admitting he simply couldn’t shake many of the concerns he had about his current girlfriend, local man Stephen Lashley told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t be with someone who he projects so many of his flaws onto. “Obviously, Sarah is nice, but when you get down to it, I really can’t see myself…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Proudly showing off his latest innovation, Tesla CEO Elon Musk debuted an all-new self-parenting child Wednesday. “This is the most intuitive baby we’ve ever seen—it’s completely hands off,” said Musk, who explained how the breakthrough was motivated by his desire for a baby he would never need to think…Read more...

SANTA CRUZ, CA—In an investigation of how different variables can predict the effects of hallucinogenic drugs, a new study published Wednesday found that the skin of one’s hands dissolving into a puddle to reveal the bones beneath provided the best indication that one was about to have a bad trip. “Among participants…Read more...

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex, a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists, nail technicians, and cosmetologists, sources confirmed Wednesday. “When the shit hits the fan, we’ll be the ones who are ready to take care of…Read more...

As governments look to reopen social life in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, some officials and tech industry leaders have proposed or implemented contact tracing to limit the disease’s spread. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how contact tracing works.Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to slow the proliferation of fake news, tech giant Facebook announced plans Wednesday to crack down on misinformation by warning users who share links from Facebook. “We want users to see accurate information on our platform, so we’re flagging disreputable sites like Facebook that often…Read more...

When it comes to pip blips, Megan Fox takes the cake. Case in point.Read more...

Alright, gamers, remain calm, but we have a situation on our hands. We don’t know how it happened or how long this is going to last, but it looks like everyone’s favorite Gen 1 Leaf Pokémon has found a gun.Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Calling the upcoming release “surprisingly intimate,” sources confirmed Wednesday that Becoming, the new Netflix documentary about Michelle Obama, spends the first hour on the former first lady’s time spent in the embryonic stage. “It’s fascinating to explore this undiscussed time in Michelle Obama’s life…Read more...

Carnival Cruise Line, whose fleet has been docked since the CDC issued a No Sail Order in March, announced plans to resume sailing in August starting with cruises out of ports in Texas and Florida. What do you think?Read more...