The Onion

WASHINGTON—With the swearing in of the 46th President scheduled to occur a mere two weeks after a mob of angry, far-right rioters stormed the U.S. Capitol, the Washington, D.C. Police preemptively deployed three officers to oversee the upcoming Inauguration Day ceremonies, sources confirmed Monday. “In order to ensure…Read more...

MURFREESBORO, TN—Poring over the shop’s book of designs for what he didn’t yet know would soon be his only defining feature, local man Brendan Lyons was reportedly excited Monday to get the tattoo that will one day be used to identify his corpse. “This is going to be my first tattoo, so I want to get something unique…Read more...

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Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following her decision this week to resign as President Trump’s education secretary, Betsy DeVos apologized Friday for ever being complicit with anything as toxic and reprehensible as public education. “I can no longer associate myself with an administration that, despite its many achievements, has failed…Read more...

January is traditionally a time when people make resolutions for themselves to improve their lives , but the realities and restrictions of the Covid-19 pandemic are throwing many for a loop. The Onion offers advice for making new year’s resolutions during a pandemic.

WASHINGTON—Advising farmers to ward off potential famine by burning 10 slaughtered goats in a cross on their fields, the Department of Agriculture warned Friday that 2021 would see a 37% decline the soybean harvest following reports of an albino calf being stillborn in rural Idaho. “This is an ominous portent,…Read more...

READING, PA—Struggling to find a spot in his home in which the memento didn’t look mismatched or out of place, local pro-Trump riot participant Peter Bruckner, 43, told reporters Friday he was still trying to figure out what to do with his looted Devin Nunes. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great piece of memorabilia,…Read more...

MEHOOPANY, PA—In a move raising serious doubts about the toilet paper giant’s core allegiances, the Charmin Twitter account remained eerily silent Friday in an apparent show of support for pro-Trump rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol building. “While most Americans were expressing their shock and dismay about this…Read more...

Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they want, which is the complete opposite thing that anti-something leaders want.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Projecting a calm, measured assurance as he reflected on his personal shortcomings, a content and mentally sound President Trump told reporters just minutes after his ban from social media Thursday that he had been “selfish and arrogant,” and he apologized unconditionally for his behavior. “I’ve lied to…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a speech addressing the rioters who stormed the U.S. Capitol the previous day, GOP Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) released a statement to widespread media praise Thursday saying “this apology is bullshit and I am lying to you.” “Nothing—and I repeat, nothing—I’m saying about the violent attack on Washington…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the mob’s timing “absolutely unacceptable,” Sen. Josh Hawley (R-MO) condemned pro-Trump rioters Thursday for upstaging his own theatrics. “Yesterday, I was shocked and disappointed to see a destructive mob break through the Capitol building’s security and overshadow my own planned grandstanding,”…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the American people’s message had been heard loud and clear, Democratic Party leadership released a statement Thursday stating that the nation had given them a clear mandate to squander. “Last night, we received an undeniable victory from voters that made one thing abundantly clear: The time for…Read more...

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PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Referring to the event as a simple, no-frills detonation among close friends, state officials confirmed Thursday the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea recently held a quiet, low-key nuclear test just for itself. “To be honest, it doesn’t really matter how the international community responds…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Speaking from their legal practices in stripmalls, back alleys, and Holiday Inn guest suites, the nation’s most insane-looking lawyers enthusiastically volunteered their services on Thursday to any Trump supporters who participated in the Capitol riots. “Make no mistake, we will passionately represent the…Read more...

Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and fragrant bath anytime they use the restroom.Read more...

LAKEWAY, TX—Noting how long it had been since he had really gotten to relax and unplug, local Trump supporter Brian Fischer told reporters Wednesday he would be excited to finally disengage with politics once the overthrow of the government was complete. “I’m telling you, as soon as Washington burns and our vicious…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reassuring the rap artist that they would get around to him in due course, the nation told Canadian rapper Drake Wednesday that they would get around to looking at his new haircut when things were less hectic. “We can tell that you’re excited to share your new look with everyone, but frankly, Drake, this is…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In a final attempt to prevent Joe Biden from assuming the presidency, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) reportedly tried to overturn the results of the 2020 election Wednesday by unleashing a wave of locusts from his mouth to black out the sun. “We must do everything we can to stop Democrats from taking control of the…Read more...

The coronavirus vaccine’s rollout is reportedly experiencing delays across the country, with doses of the vaccine even expiring before they can be used, leading to concerns about what’s holding up distribution. The Onion investigates the reasons behind the delay of the vaccine distribution:

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WASHINGTON—In response to calls for the U.S. government to do more to address Americans suffering from psychological issues, a new mental health initiative unveiled Wednesday would reportedly add 10,000 beds to the nation’s prisons. “It’s vital that Americans suffering from mental health issues have the resources they…Read more...

Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later that they had actually been sent home with a 63-year-old man named Jeff.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a persistent concern within the pivotal voting bloc, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Tuesday that being stuck in an infinite time loop was the biggest issue for Obama-Trump-Obama-Trump voters. “Among the thousands of individuals who voted Democrat in 2012, Republican in 2016,…Read more...

ATLANTA—In an effort to keep the public abreast of the latest developments in the Covid-19 pandemic, CDC director Robert R. Redfield unveiled a list of Twitter accounts Tuesday that Americans could follow to piece together vaccine information. “Following these reporters, medical researchers, and politically engaged…Read more...

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NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—As the 10-month-old pandemic continued its rampant spread and the nation’s death toll passed 350,000, top medical scientists attempted Tuesday to convince the American public to take Covid-19 more seriously by issuing a statement in which they patiently clarified the concept of death. “We just want…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Offering a bleak assessment of gamers’ readiness for the future, a concerning study from Harvard University released Thursday found that today’s tutorial levels are not adequately preparing players for the challenges of World 8. “Our data have shown that despite completing the requisite time in practice…Read more...

Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker.

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WASHINGTON—Looking back in disappointment at all the opportunities that had been wasted, a crestfallen Donald Trump told sources Monday he wished he had known much earlier in his presidency how willing congressional Republicans were to simply overthrow democracy. “God, if I’d known how far all these senators were…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shrugging their shoulders as they admitted it made no difference to them either way, the American people confirmed Monday that they guessed they would let Donald Trump remain president after seeing how badly he wants it. “Sure, whatever—he seems pretty upset, and honestly, we never thought he’d put up this…Read more...

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Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North Carolina’s 16th district.Read more...

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Well, hello there, beautiful.

If your therapist knew that this mug was blowing the lid off her whole scheme, she would for sure flip. Best keep it between us.Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Leaving behind a devastating trail of destruction, a 5,000-foot ball of discarded packaging materials reportedly barreled across the United States Saturday consuming everything in its path. “Residents of the Midwest are advised to take shelter immediately, as an unstoppable mass of cardboard boxes,…Read more...

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While many people will be gathering with family and friends this holiday season to eat, drink, and be merry, others may not have anyone with whom to celebrate the festivities. Here are some tips for how to handle the holidays alone.Read more...

EAGAN, MN—Intimidated yet intrigued as he contemplated the two-pound, 3,500-calorie peppermint treat, local man Mark Carroll confirmed Thursday he was completely overwhelmed by the logistics of eating an oversized candy cane he had received in a holiday gift basket. “Look at this thing—I mean, where do you even…Read more...

On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.Read more...

The Christmas season is a special time of year that is meant to be filled with joy and goodwill. Here are The Onion’s tips for spreading Christmas cheer to one and all.Read more...

Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.Read more...