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Updated 2025-07-03 16:01
Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Distracted During The Fireworks Display At His Upcoming Grand Ball
Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.Read more...
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures
Synopsis: A married couple goes through a bitter acting contest
Trump Acquitted
In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony, President Trump became the third commander-in-chief acquitted in American history, although Senator Mitt Romney’s dissenting vote to convict denied him a purely partisan acquittal. What do you think?Read more...
The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Directors
Filmmaking Style: Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Goes To Camp
Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower?
The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.
Report: The Nation Has Healed And It’s Time To Rejoice!
WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally…Read more...
Buttigieg, Sanders In Dead Heat In Iowa Caucus
Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders remain virtually tied in the Iowa caucuses with 97% of precincts reporting, although the former South Bend mayor retains a slight lead in delegate count. What do you think?Read more...
Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose
BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind…Read more...
Hawks, Celtics, Nets, Hornets, Bulls, Cavs, Mavs, Nuggets, Pistons, Warriors, Rockets, Pacers, Clippers, Lakers, Grizzlies, Heat, Bucks, Timberwolves, Pelicans, Knicks, Thunder, Magic, 76ers, Suns, Bl
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Snapchat By The Numbers
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Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’
NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.” “Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me…Read more...
The Hardest Boss Battles Of All Time
There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.Read more...
Chicago Adds 90-Story Stack Of Italian Beef To Skyline
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Trump Delivers Third State Of The Union
President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...
Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is
Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?Read more...
Chiefs Fan Adjusting To New Life Of Solely Being Depressed About Life In Missouri
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Buttigieg, Sanders Locked In Battle For Iowa
As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the…Read more...
Embarrassed Ben Simmons Retracts Criticism Of Sixers After Remembering He On Team
PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized…Read more...
Billboard Super Judgmental Since Converting To Christianity
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The 6 Best Companies To Work For
With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval…Read more...
Corporate Lawyer Achieves Career Masterpiece With McDonald’s Monopoly Contest Rules
CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and…Read more...
‘The Sims’ Turns 20
Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary.Read more...
Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other
GREENVILLE, SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions, pedestrians passing on a busy sidewalk Wednesday reportedly stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other. “I promise mine’s friendly—do you mind if he says hello?”…Read more...
The EPA Takes A Stand
EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.Read more...
Disney Buys ‘Hamilton’ Film Rights For $75 Million
Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?Read more...
Report: Majority Of Americans Would Jump At Chance To Rip Off Shirt And Use It As Tourniquet
WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross, approximately 90% of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person’s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. “Our findings demonstrate that, upon spotting a…Read more...
5 Things To Know About ‘Birds Of Prey: The Emancipation Of Harley Quinn’
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Somebody In Mosh Pit All Sweaty
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Punxsutawney Phil Fails To See Shadow Symbolizing Early Spring
As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887, residents of Punxsutawney, PA gathered on Groundhog’s Day to discover Phil had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole, predicting an early spring. What do you think?Read more...
Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly
LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 4, 2020
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A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa
His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?Read more...
Chiefs Win Super Bowl
With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?Read more...
Move Over, Alan Moore: This Gaming Webcomic Is Now A Webcomic About Gaming And Fatherhood
When you think of the masters of graphic novels, one name reigns supreme: Alan Moore. The godfather of cerebral comic books rose to critical prominence with his brain-melting take on Swamp Thing in the eighties before changing the landscape of graphic storytelling forever with Watchmen, V For Vendetta, and From Hell.…Read more...
Baby Delighted By Grandfather Making Silly Faces During Stroke
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Man Wastes Entire Life Chasing Unrealistic Pipe Dream Of Being Loved And Respected
AURORA, IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible, 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this crazy,…Read more...
Andy Reid After Super Bowl Win: ‘I Can Now Die Of A Heart Attack In Peace’
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Queen Reminds Worker Bees They Still Represent Colony Even When Away From Hive
ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels, a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive. “I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen, but keep in…Read more...
The Week In Pictures – Week Of February 3, 2020
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Frustrated Tenant Only 5 Or 6 Days Away From Sending Gently Worded Email To Landlord
CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space, tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord. “There’s only so much one person can take, and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for…Read more...
Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky
MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft. “I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had…Read more...
Chiefs Finally Overcome Curse Of Not Being Good For A Very Long Time
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Mike Shanahan Storms Onto Super Bowl Field To Berate Ref For Bullshit Call Against His Boy
MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official’s face, former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “bullshit” call that went against his son, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. “You son of a bitch, you’ve…Read more...
Adorable Super Bowl Encourages Fans To Adopt Abandoned, Stray Football Players
MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home, an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday, encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players. “We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there, romping around and having fun,…Read more...
Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party
SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday’s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company’s holiday party. “This is alright, I guess, but it really doesn’t…Read more...
‘She’s About My Age,’ Reports Mom Watching Halftime Show
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Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment
MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle of his route during Sunday’s Super Bowl so he could savor the special moment. “You work your whole life to get to this place, but you don’t always stop and…Read more...
FOX Adds Highlighted Line On Field Showing Women How Far Away They Should Stay From Tyreek Hill
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Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket
MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack, 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa expressed annoyance Sunday that every time he tried to rush the passer some guy ended up standing in his way. “What the hell? How am I supposed to get inside the pocket when there is some…Read more...
‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Desperate For Any Human Company
MECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man Walt Madison told partygoers Sunday that he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate for any human company whatsoever. “I’m not super into sports, so it’s really…Read more...
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