The Onion

SIOUX CITY, IA—Following his defeat in the Republican primary, nine-term House Representative Steve King was reportedly glad Wednesday that at least he wouldn’t have to be PC anymore. “Now that I’m a private citizen, I can finally speak my mind without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying not to offend…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of law enforcement injuring demonstrators, NYPD chief Terence Monahan publicly defended his squad’s controversial use of non-lethal rubber tires Wednesday as a means of de-escalating ongoing protests against police brutality. “What you have to understand is that these tires were not…Read more...

Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.Read more...

Sales of frozen food items are up 40.2% and freezer sales skyrocketed 195% compared to this time a year ago as coronavirus keeps restaurants closed and Americans homebound. What do you think?Read more...

Angered by Mark Zuckerberg’s decision not to fact check or remove President Trump’s false and inflammatory posts this week, Facebook employees who are currently working from home staged a virtual walkout and signed petitions urging the CEO to take action. What do you think?Read more...

LANCASTER, PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands, which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality, the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne’s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot. “We at Auntie Anne’s implore…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shouting “Go! Go! Go!” as an alarm blared, President Donald Trump reportedly threw a garbage can through a McDonald’s window early Tuesday morning before looting $2,000 in Big Macs. According to sources, Trump, seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm, then proceeded to stuff dozens…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn’t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful. “We got the city to drop, like, $10…Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling on the nation to honor the sacrifices of African American civil rights leaders, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Tuesday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted to see a 17-game football season and stadiums open to fans. “I quote the good Dr. King when I say, ‘Playing a full 17-week…Read more...

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Dozens of cities from major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles to smaller population centers like Davenport, Iowa have been placed under curfew as the country enters a second week of protests against police brutality kicked off by the murder of George Floyd. What do you think?Read more...

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Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview…Read more...

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Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.Read more...

Transit worker unions in both Minneapolis and New York City announced this weekend that they stand in solidarity with protestors and will not allow the police to use buses to carry arrested citizens to jail or drive officers to protest locations. What do you think?Read more...

SHENZHEN, CHINA—Upset about the theft of one of the thousands of garments she had sewn, sweatshop worker Li Chen was devastated to hear Monday that the jacket she worked so hard on was looted. “It breaks my heart that I slaved away for 14 cents an hour in an extremely hot and poorly ventilated factory just to have my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to placate the protesters gathered outside, President Donald Trump reportedly screamed, “Let them have Eric!” Monday as he pushed his son through the door of a White House bunker. “Please, you can take Eric, just leave me alone,” said the commander in chief, shoving his third-born son through…Read more...

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MIAMI—Confirming that social-distancing measures had helped curb local Covid-19 cases, Mayor Francis Suarez suggested in a press conference Monday that it was possible the people of Miami could begin grinding on one another again by the end of the month. “I know everyone’s patience is waning, but 30 additional days of…Read more...

Though he lacks the legal authority to do so, President Trump tweeted on Sunday that he will order the government to label antifa a terrorist group, a move that would face First Amendment challenges in court. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the accounting tool would greatly help to keep track of the county’s finances and lower spending, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell reportedly downloaded a budgeting app Monday to help manage the nation’s economy. “In order to better oversee our $20 trillion GDP, I’ve signed up for a…Read more...

As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.Read more...

State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.Read more...

CNN launched on June 1, 1980, ushering the era of the 24-hour cable news cycle and significantly shifting the media landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in CNN’s 40-year history.

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Archaeologists working near Verona, Italy have unearthed the foundation of a 3rd century Roman villa containing a pristine mosaic floor filled with complex patterns formed from bright, colorful tiles. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Screaming into a megaphone and threatening to shut down the “biased” social media site once and for all, President Donald Trump reportedly chained himself to a phone displaying Twitter Friday while yelling that he “will not be censored.” “Try as you might, I will not remove these restraints until you take…Read more...

Public shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse, with its share of supporters and detractors. The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of online public shaming.

NEW YORK—Promising that he would share the risk with players who were putting their health on the line to restart the NBA season, commissioner Adam Silver announced Friday that he is standing in solidarity with players by inserting himself into the Milwaukee Bucks starting five as a point guard. “I know some players…Read more...

Blarnard, ND: With the newly built Mayor Anthony Crawford Convention Center drawing top annual shareholder meetings from such companies as Dixon-Doyle, Grayson Injection, and Manx Tech, outsiders are finally starting to discover all that beautiful Blarnard has to offer.Read more...

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BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration that she routinely wouldn’t allow him to finish his point without cutting him off, local graphic designer Julian Serra told reporters Friday there were times when his coworker Ericka Lerado really needed to just shut up and let him be an ally to her. “Ericka is great, she really is,…Read more...

Fret no more, Overwatch fans. A huge weight has just been lifted off all our shoulders: Blizzard finally announced that players of the popular team-based shooter will be able to carry over all of their unlocked skins and emotes into the afterlife.Read more...

The CDC announced that antibody tests meant to detect whether a person has been infected with the coronavirus may provide inaccurate results roughly half the time they are administered and should not be used to make policy decisions. What do you think?Read more...

All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it.Read more...

A SpaceX mission to send two NASA astronauts to the International Space Station, which will mark the first time a private enterprise has launched humans into space, has been postponed due to thunderstorms. What do you think?Read more...

DULUTH, MN—On the heels of massive demonstrations sparked by the police killing of George Floyd, local man Cory Nelson was questioning the necessity of protestors being black, sources confirmed Thursday. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand that they’re upset, but they’re totally undermining their point by insisting on…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business…Read more...

WASHINGTON—White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany rebuked critics of the president in a briefing Thursday, forcefully arguing that politicians and pundits alike would seize on any six-figure death toll that suits their particular narrative. “What’s clear is that the biased media in this country is willing to…Read more...

PHOENIX—Assuring followers that she’d be back to giving kisses and belly rubs in no time, Instagram Chihuahua tootsie_the_derp reportedly started his darkest social media post to date Thursday with the caption “mommy had to go to the hospital today.” “Many of you remember how scared mommy was when I ate a sock and had…Read more...

GENEVA—In an effort to prepare people for the “new normal” of life under the continuing threat of Covid-19, the World Health Organization issued a warning Thursday indicating the contagion could make blowing water through a pool noodle into your friends’ faces a relic of the past. “The use of a long foam tube to…Read more...

CHICAGO—Sinking into a depth of despair that they had been able to stave off until this point, locals reported Thursday that an inspirational “Hang in there” chalk message written on a sidewalk was the thing that finally broke the entire neighborhood. “Christ, I was actually feeling okay today, then I go out for a…Read more...

Words: More complicated than syllables but less complicated than sentences, words are great for people who are comfortable reading but are still getting their bearings.