The Onion

FRANKLIN, TN—Expressing shock at the abrupt metamorphosis, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local man Mike Heckner, 27, had transformed into a pensive and wistful old sage just moments after sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of an old farmhouse. “He seemed like a pretty ordinary guy until he lowered…Read more...

STOW, OH—Expressing deep reservations about how or why one would otherwise become such a devoted fan of the platforming character, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Joseph Lee’s fixation on the video game character Rayman is even more unsettling for not being sexual. “Joe’s replayed pretty much all of the…Read more...

SAVANNAH, GA—In an effort to make virtual learning readily accessible to every child in kindergarten through 12th grade, the Savannah-Chatham County Public School System announced plans Wednesday to require all students to attend online classes in one massive, open-concept computer lab. “We’re happy to provide our…Read more...

The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students.Read more...

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The producers of the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual singing competition that features musicians from countries across Europe, announced a new American version of the show set to debut in 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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SAVANNAH, GA—Expressing concerns about the jaded, indifferent person he had apparently become, local 13-year-old Jay Eggers confided to reporters Tuesday that he had mourned the loss of his youth since realizing he no longer felt anything when watching or thinking about monster trucks. “I look in the mirror and wonder…Read more...

PAPILLION, NE— Tapping deep into his imagination as he composed the message from the passenger seat, local man James Burditt was reportedly working in some creative flourishes Tuesday in the ghostwritten text to his friend’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, what he told me to type was a good start, but there are a few weak…Read more...

Prime Minister Jacinda Arden announced Sunday that New Zealand has effectively stopped the transmission of Covid-19 through strict border control and lockdown measures, marking 100 days since the last reported domestic case. What do you think?Read more...

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LANSING, MI—Already looking forward to the secret snack, a local robin regurgitating food for its chicks Monday reportedly made sure to save the best bites in the back of her throat for herself. “They’re so young, it’s not like they can really appreciate a good, fresh earthworm anyway,” said the robin, who brushed…Read more...

Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar to the popular app TikTok. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely for one from America. “We would have been glad to help them out, but…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation, a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday to inspire herself. “I guess I’ll give it a shot,” said Obama, who decided to buy an audio book copy as well in case she wanted to listen to the story while attempting to boost her…Read more...

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers, effective immediately.Read more...

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest-control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest-control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian…Read more...

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OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together?Read more...

Hey, gamers, we know you’re probably interested in us giving you the latest gaming news and reviews, but right now, we’re kind of in the middle of something serious: Ganondorf is on the other end of the line, and it sounds like his dad is in the hospital.

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Juan Carlos, the former king of Spain, announced via a letter to his son King Felipe VI on Monday that he has gone into exile just weeks after the country’s Supreme Court opened an investigation into his involvement with a high-speed rail contract with Saudi Arabia. What do you think?Read more...

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The U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Monday that all efforts to collect responses will end on September 30, a month earlier than previously announced despite the fact that only 63% of Americans have been counted. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Expressing frustration that neither presidential candidate had requested consent to use his smash solo hit from 1984, Eagles vocalist Don Henley filed suit Wednesday against both Donald Trump and Joe Biden’s campaigns for not playing “The Boys Of Summer” at their events. “Fans tipped us off to the fact that…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Still dumbfounded by an interview in which Australian reporter Jonathan Swan repeatedly challenged the president on his misleading statements about the coronavirus pandemic, D.C. journalists confirmed Wednesday that they were in awe of Swan being able to speak to Donald Trump without succumbing to his raw…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In response to declining poll numbers in the 2020 presidential race, increasingly desperate Trump campaign strategists reportedly wondered Wednesday how much mileage they could get out of Americans’ fear of dentists. “We’re repositioning to make sure voters know that elitists Dems want to expand healthcare…Read more...

Arctic sea ice reached a record low in July as temperatures hit 100 degrees above the Arctic circle, increasing discussions about potential ways to prevent environmental degradation. The Onion takes a look at how to save the world’s melting sea ice:

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that, for a limited time only, there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members, global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to reach alien civilizations with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. “In the…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the deadly winds and torrential rain a “totally preventable” tropical storm, critics slammed the National Weather Service Wednesday after new evidence showed they failed to stop a recent hurricane despite having advanced warning. “It’s clear they’d been monitoring the cloud formation swirling…Read more...

Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night.Read more...

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The FDA has updated a list of more than 100 hand sanitizers that they believe should be recalled, either because they do not contain enough alcohol to work properly or because they are tainted with methanol which can be toxic if absorbed through the skin. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented, complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic, White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple, run-of-the-mill hurricane relief effort to fuck up. “A Category 1 storm hitting…Read more...

17-year-old Graham Ivan Clark is facing 30 felony counts for allegedly manipulating Twitter employees and hacking into dozens of high profile accounts as part of a bitcoin scheme that netted over $100,000 before the site shut it down. What do you think?Read more...

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This publication has long prided itself on bringing you the most scintillating gaming deals, but today, we bring forth one that eclipses everything that came before. You might remember a certain exclusive for the original Xbox titled Brute Force that promised cooperative, third-person shooter gameplay split between…Read more...

KANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through the reader and seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges…Read more...

Two NASA astronauts aboard the SpaceX Dragon Endeavor capsule completed a successful splashdown on Sunday, the first water landing by American astronauts in 45 years. What do you think?Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was. “I know I’m not always the best at talking about my emotions, but I…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Confirming a longstanding theory concerning the former president’s death, FBI officials announced Monday that they had uncovered the plot where JFK was buried. “After significant digging, we unearthed the entirety of the plot, which we believe dated back as early as 1963,” said FBI director Christopher…Read more...

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The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling the British singer–songwriter’s slimmed-down face and chitin-based exoskeleton “almost unrecognizable,” fans told reporters Monday they were stunned after Adele shared a photo of her newly molted body. “Wow, when I saw her post a picture of herself rocking those razor-sharp pincers and her two…Read more...