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Updated 2025-12-19 21:18
11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining
While the days grow increasingly tedious and mind-numbing, The Onion’s team of underpaid mixologists have crafted 11 perfect drinks to help you survive social distancing.Read more...
Missile Rushed To Hospital
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The Weapons Of The Future And What Sounds You Should Make With Your Mouth While Describing What They Do
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A True Miracle: This Woman Just Gave Birth To A Nintendo Switch
Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news, gamers! A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred, transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come. Early this Friday morning, 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously…Read more...
What To Know About The Flooding In Michigan
Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.
Judge Rules Salvage Company Can Cut Into Titanic Wreck
An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?
Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps
In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.Read more...
10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic For The ’90s
Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!Read more...
Raspberry Self-Conscious About Amount Of Body Hair
ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that…Read more...
Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign
NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all…Read more...
German Soccer League Simulates Presence Of Fans By Pumping Racial Slurs Into Stadiums
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Coronavirus Forces Ford Plants To Temporarily Close Days After Reopening
Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following a two-month shutdown due to the pandemic, highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations. What do you think?Read more...
Tips For Avoiding Vision Loss
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Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life
BETHESDA, MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call, Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he’s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life. “Yeah, skipping past some of the financials for a second, I think it’s worthwhile to…Read more...
NFL Reminds Black Coaches They’ll Get Their Chance Once League Runs Out Of Grudens And Shanahans
NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now, the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans. “We take diversity seriously, and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once…Read more...
FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For
NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease’s likely voting preferences, the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November. “The question of which candidate this…Read more...
Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande Deny Claim They Bought No. 1 Billboard Spot
Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “Stuck With U” to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “Gooba,” a claim both the artists and magazine deny. What do you think?Read more...
10 Wyobraźni Co My Gwarantujemy Przyniesie Uśmiech na Twej Twarzy
Kogo obchodzi ile masz lat? Ten facet wie że jesteś taki młody jak się czujesz.Read more...
Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious
CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out…Read more...
Confused Primitive Extraterrestrial Shrugs, Take Huge Bite Of Golden Record
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Penneys From Heaven
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Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season
Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.Read more...
All 50 States Unveil Plans To Ease Coronavirus Restrictions By Memorial Day
As Memorial Day approaches, every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders put in place to reduce the spread of Covid-19, though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike in new cases. What do you think?Read more...
Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures
WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of…Read more...
Unclear Why Only One Half Of Couple Wearing Mask
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Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Living In
NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in. “To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether…Read more...
Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel
NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature’s promotional clothing, an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004% of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs…Read more...
The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs
July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”Read more...
Good News, ‘Final Fantasy’ Fans: Looks Like They Made A Bunch Of Those Things
If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake, it’s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix’s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay. Well, good news, Final Fantasy fans! It looks like…Read more...
Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is
CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence, conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Eric! Great to see you,” said the…Read more...
5 Things To Know About The Effects Of Stay-At-Home Orders
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Garlic Clove Concerned About Being Deployed Into Water Glass With No Real Exit Strategy
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Notre Dame To Reopen Campus For Fall Semester
One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures, Notre Dame announced its fall semester will start early and end by Thanksgiving, which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood of transmitting the coronavirus on campus. What do you think?Read more...
Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too
ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile, the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year’s Eve. “According to our data, Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at…Read more...
Rapid Drop In Greenhouse Gas Emissions Causes Planet To Freeze Over
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U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country
The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.Read more...
Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine
President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?Read more...
Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station
WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on,…Read more...
Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job
SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential…Read more...
‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive
BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I…Read more...
High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video
JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but…Read more...
10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities
“You Oughta Know” – Alanis Morissette (1995): While speculation has persisted for years regarding just whom Morissette was addressing in this timeless cut off the celebrated ’90s album Jagged Little Pill, the songwriter herself recently admitted what many had long suspected: The tune was written about renowned actor…Read more...
Tips For Dealing With Zoom Fatigue
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Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball
LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember…Read more...
Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 19, 2020
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Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement
Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world, President Obama joined Malala Yousafzai, LeBron James, and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual commencement ceremony. What do you think?Read more...
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret
The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit Americans could give about the new discovery.Read more...
Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out
SKAMANIA COUNTY, WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens, a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997’s Dante’s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton’s elbow burst through the skin. “Wow, the sight of ash, smoke, and rocks…Read more...
‘Just Know It’s Far Worse Than Whatever President Water Did,’ Says Trump Explaining Obamagate
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Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine
Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine, sending the Dow up more than 650 points, or 2.8%. What do you think?Read more...
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