on (#5BMJJ)
Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.
The Onion
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| Updated | 2026-09-19 13:18 |
on (#5BMFK)
Setting an early morning alarm gives CEOs plenty of time to laugh while thinking about how they could quit their jobs right now and still be financially set for multiple lifetimes.Read more...
on (#5BMFJ)
GRANVILLE, OH—Calling “Sooey, sooey!” and rattling his burlap bag, local Christmas tree farmer Drew Allen scattered candy canes from a sack to a pen full of ravenous Douglas firs, sources confirmed Monday. “Come and get it now—we want you all to grow into big, strong 7-footers for Christmas,” said Allen, who…Read more...
on (#5BMFM)
Families around the nation are putting up trees, stringing up lights, and hanging mistletoe to make their homes warm, welcoming, and festive for the holidays. Here are some tips for decorating your home.Read more...
on (#5BMFN)
Pharmaceutical distributor AvKare is recalling tablets of sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, and the antidepressant medicine trazodone after a product mixup led to the two drugs being packaged together. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BHY9)
When the editorial board of The Onion converged to select its Walton Goggins Of The Year for 2020, the room, composed of dignitaries, professors, and world leaders, was vexed. The American public had just endured a heated presidential election, a deadly international pandemic, and the release of CBS’s hit series The…Read more...
on (#5BHVV)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer’s most celebrated works, literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had discovered an early draft of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol where all four ghosts show up at once and just beat the shit out of Scrooge. “This…Read more...
on (#5BHSE)
71-year-old Richard DeLisi has been released from a Florida prison after serving 31 of his 90-year sentence for marijuana trafficking, making him one of the longest-serving inmates for nonviolent cannabis crimes in the country. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BHPY)
WASHINGTON—Following a five-year investigation into their joint social media presence, the Federal Trade Commission announced Friday it was seeking an injunction that would require Facebook to break up the really weird shared account belonging to married couple Lisa and Greg Kyrgos of North Platte, NE.
on (#5BHHR)
On Wednesday, the Federal Trade Commission and 48 state attorneys general filed a massive antitrust lawsuit against Facebook. The Onion looks at some allegations, demands, and other highlights from the lawsuit.
on (#5BHEG)
Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.Read more...
on (#5BHEJ)
WILMINGTON, DE—Dispensing with any air of formality, local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old son James that he would be getting three sweaters and a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, sources confirmed Friday. “Hi, here’s what I’m sending you this year,” said Southeron in a brief, clipped phone call,…Read more...
on (#5BHBW)
Food Network star Guy Fieri, host Diners, Drive-ins And Dives, has raised over $21.5 for restaurant workers struggling during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BGG0)
Pantone announced Ultimate Gray and Illuminating, a bright yellow, are their colors of the year for 2021, marking the second time in 22 years the company has chosen two colors. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BG86)
Gamers, usually it’s our pleasure to bring you exciting updates on the latest advances in video games, but sometimes we have no choice but to share something truly heinous. Today, it’s our sad duty to report on this heartless family that escaped their burning house and utterly abandoned their helpless PS5.
on (#5BG1V)
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Coordinating to lambast the publication across social media platforms, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly furious Thursday after the artist was excluded from ESPN’s list of the best NBA players of 2020. “This has been one of the most definitive years of Taylor’s entire career—where the hell is she at?”…Read more...
on (#5BFYN)
KANATA, ONTARIO—To demonstrate how the popular multicooker can be used to prepare a variety of quick and deadly bombs, the latest version of the Instant Pot comes with a recipe book for easy, weeknight improvised explosive devices, sources confirmed Thursday. “This helpful guide provides step-by-step instructions on…Read more...
on (#5BFYQ)
On January 5, Georgia voters will return to the polls to vote in runoff elections for both of the state’s Senate seats. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Georgia Senate runoffs.Read more...
on (#5BFYP)
WASHINGTON—Thanking the many Americans who showed interest in getting inoculated against Covid-19, the CDC announced Thursday that everyone who will receive the vaccine has already been notified. “If you have not received an official phone call or letter by now with the date and time of your vaccination appointment,…Read more...
on (#5BFS8)
Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments.Read more...
on (#5BFSA)
Eighty-one-year-old William Shakespeare of Warwickshire, England became one of the first in the world to receive Pfizer’s Covid-19 vaccine outside of a clinical trial as the country’s mass vaccination project rolled out this week. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BEXW)
Health officials are investigating after 315 people in a city in southern India were hospitalized over the weekend after developing epilepsy-like symptoms including seizures, vomiting, nausea, and headaches. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BEXY)
GAITHERSBURG, MD—Plotting out a career path that would enable him to one day land his dream job, aspiring lobbyist Christopher Talley told reporters Wednesday that he’d been able to get his foot in the door as a state senator. “Obviously I can’t jump right into my dream gig, but being a state senator and nominally…Read more...
on (#5BEHX)
PORTLAND, ME—Marveling at the veritable bonanza of choices offered by his current situation, local woman Alessa Harding revealed Wednesday that the crumbling mess of her boyfriend Tom Etheridge’s life provided her with a rich array of Christmas gift ideas. “Wow, you look at basic list of items that he needs—one clean…Read more...
on (#5BEHY)
Whether you’re looking to optimize the feng shui of your apartment or make your large mansion feel cozy, the lighting in your home can make a huge difference. The Onion presents a guide to beautiful lighting in your home.Read more...
on (#5BEHZ)
WASHINGTON—Urging the public to have patience while scientists put the finishing touches on the final kickass product, health officials confirmed Wednesday that they were struggling to secure enough dry ice and laser lights for the coronavirus vaccine’s special effects-heavy rollout. “The vaccine rollout relies on a…Read more...
on (#5BEEX)
LITTLETON, CO—Expressing profound remorse for his past actions, Jared Fogle admitted to reporters Wednesday that prison has made him realize how wrong he was to endorse Subway. “When I look back on the unimaginable harm I caused people by telling them that Subway was a healthy way to lose weight, I can’t believe I…Read more...
on (#5BEJ0)
WATERLOO, IA—Calling the strategy his best chance of getting his hands on the hotly anticipated console before 2021, local student Teddy Sullivan told reporters Monday that he would continue to camp outside the nearby Home Depot on the off chance they start stocking the PlayStation 5. “It’s amazing because there…Read more...
on (#5BE40)
Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.
on (#5BE43)
Former boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jr., who was undefeated during his career with a record of 50-0, will fight YouTube personality Logan Paul in an exhibition boxing match in February. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BDA3)
LONDON—Pounding yet another Guinness while being cheered on by regulars at her neighborhood pub, Marjorie Davies, a 90-year-old British recipient of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine, screamed, “I am immortal!” Tuesday as she embarked on an epic drug-and-boozed-fueled bender. “Nothing can fucking stop me now!” said…Read more...
on (#5BD4R)
HAMILTON, MT—Scoffing at the idea that anything about him was not perfect, local trout K’Lasp Slippins was reportedly offended Tuesday that a fly fisherman would simply toss him back in the river. “Look at my fins, look at my lips, any fly fisherman would be goddamn lucky to have me. Fuckin’ prick,” said Slippins, who…Read more...
on (#5BD22)
Bob Dylan has sold his entire catalog of more than 600 songs to Universal Music in a deal that is said to be worth between $300 million and $400 million. What do you think?Read more...
on (#5BCZ5)
CALABASAS, CA—Scrambling to replicate the success of Basketball Wives amid an otherwise struggling lineup, VH1 announced plans Tuesday to greenlight a new reality TV show, Basketball Acquaintances. “We’re excited to offer a peek inside the secret lives of NBA hangers-on and friends of friends,” said VH1 president…Read more...
on (#5BCZ4)
LONDON—Cameras flashing as they barreled toward the screen upon which they believed they had spotted the Princess of Wales, several British paparazzi were overheard shouting, “Diana’s there, on Netflix!” Tuesday before reflexively ramming a car into a television. “Princess Di! Princess Di! Over here!” said paparazzo…Read more...
on (#5BCW8)
SAN FRANCISCO—Suggesting that the lifestyle change could produce significant economic benefit, financial experts revealed Tuesday that local woman Anette Defert just needs to break her irresponsible financial habit of going bankrupt and living on the street. “We’re seeing a lot of young people who have gotten stuck in…Read more...
on (#5BCW7)
COLUMBUS—Gazing in wonderment at the beguiling enigma before them, members of a Zoom conference call were reportedly transfixed Tuesday trying to imagine the carnival of forbidden mysteries surrounding coworker Mike Sampson, 34, whose camera was turned off. “What untold treasures of the flesh, what depraved bacchanal…Read more...
on (#5BCRD)
WASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted, “The virus dies with me!” Tuesday while clambering into Georgetown University Hospital’s incinerator. “Take me, flames, and destroy the disease within,” said the former New York City mayor, hopping up and…Read more...
on (#5BCHH)
Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.Read more...
on (#5BCEM)
The makers of the online video game Fortnite confirmed there will be no in-person tournaments in 2021, including the Fortnite World Cup, due to Covid-19. What do you think?Read more...