by The Onion on (#4ZN8Q)
The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.Read more...
The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-09-15 16:18 |
by The Onion on (#4ZN8R)
WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZN8S)
George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZMZ5)
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by The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The on (#4ZKRJ)
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by The Onion on (#4ZKQT)
President Trump commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has been in federal prison since 2012 after he was convicted of attempting to sell Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZKQV)
February 19 marks 30 years since the release of Adobe Photoshop, a photo-editing software that’s since become synonymous with digital photo manipulation. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of Photoshop on its 30-year anniversary.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZKQW)
Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZKQX)
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by The Onion on (#4ZKG6)
The Boy Scouts of America filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Tuesday, a move the organization says is necessary in the face over 300 lawsuits, but which critics say is an attempt to escape its financial obligations to sexual abuse victims. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4ZK5X)
WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets. “After months of hard work, we are so proud to debut our new ‘Dissociation’ tour, which…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZK5Y)
GLENWILLOW, OH—In what is believed to be the largest anti-animal-cruelty rally targeting a household appliance maker, thousands of angry PETA activists descended on Hoover headquarters Wednesday to protest a model of vacuum cleaner that reportedly spooked a dog. “Animal lives are equal to human lives, and a vacuum…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZJ2N)
A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at some point during the 2017-2018 school year, more than double the number reported in 2004. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZHVA)
A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZHVC)
WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses, a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years. “Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZHVD)
More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William Barr to resign after Barr intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZHVE)
IRVING, TX—Stressing that the century-old youth organization wasn’t going anywhere despite its recent Chapter 11 filing, Boy Scouts of America CEO Roger Mosby told reporters Tuesday he was confident the group could overcome the devastating stigma of bankruptcy. “On behalf of the BSA’s leadership, I wish to assure our…Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#4ZHVF)
Hold on to your hats, OGN readers, because you are not going to believe this! Nintendo fans are reeling after Kenta Motokura just dropped a huge piece of lore about the Mario universe: It turns out that even though Mario talks about being Italian all the time, he’s actually only one-quarter Sicilian and his last name…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZHJ2)
CHANCELLOR, SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure, armed teacher Melissa Wade rehearsed shooting the wall, a gunman, and three students Tuesday as part of an active shooter drill. “It’s sad our students have to live with the reality of school shootings, but I feel safer…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZHJ4)
OXFORD, ENGLAND—Noting that the steady rise in global temperatures was beginning to have a significant impact on their work, anthropologists at Oxford University told reporters Tuesday that they were struggling to keep up with the abundance of early human remains being thawed out due to climate change. “It seems like…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4ZHJ5)
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by The Onion on (#4ZG8S)
The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZFSZ)
OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZFT0)
BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZFJH)
NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZFJG)
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by The Onion on (#4ZFJJ)
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy, Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him. “While we respect the vow…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZDQ0)
Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZD0X)
On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR’s Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZD0Y)
Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZCE4)
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by The Onion on (#4ZCE5)
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by The Onion on (#4ZCE6)
NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZCE7)
Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZCE8)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZCE9)
ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZBCA)
Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZBCB)
The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZB4B)
ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4ZATA)
Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZATB)
BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!†“Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZAF5)
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by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#4ZAF6)
Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4ZAF7)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4ZAF8)
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