The Onion

WASHINGTON—Pushing back against what they viewed as tyrannical measures, protesters across the country took to the streets Tuesday to hold demonstrations demanding that states reopen, notice a spike in coronavirus cases, and then infuriate protesters by once again locking down. “We urge these governors to immediately…Read more...

Woah, did somebody order the 64-year-old author of Time’s Arrow and London Fields? ’Cause that’s what this pesto chicken sandwich looks almost exactly like.Read more...

Read more...

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was into him, local man John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was only smiling at him because that was her job. “Man, I always fall for it,” Minas said of the…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Russian citizens have taken out nearly $13.6 billion in cash from bank accounts since mid-March, more than the total amount withdrawn during all of 2019, due to concerns they will not be able to access their money during quarantine. What do you think?Read more...

Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work.Read more...

According to a sleep survey by psychologists at Harvard Medical School, disruptions to normal life and increased levels of anxiety due to the coronavirus are causing Americans to experience more intense, memorable nightmares. What do you think?Read more...

PORT FOURCHON, LA—On the very spot off the Louisiana coast where the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded and left the company’s mark on the region forever, BP celebrated the 10th anniversary of its historic, 210-million-gallon oil spill Monday by dyeing the entire Gulf of Mexico black. “Ten years ago today was a…Read more...

LONG ISLAND, NY—Saying recent improvements to his health had given him the energy to finally consider the strangeness of his situation, fully recovered CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gradually came to realize Monday that his family never intended to let him out the basement where he convalesced. “Cristina, are you out there,…Read more...

The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.Read more...

6.38 million years ago: Satan plants the first cannabis seed on the Asian continent to tempt future Christians.Read more...

8 in 10: Incarcerated marijuana dealers who leave prison with far more business connections and industry knowledge than competitors who never get arrested.Read more...

Kansas: The state requires any resident hoping to smoke marijuana to drive over to Colorado.Read more...

766: Hours of R&D spent coming up with names for products like “LOL Edibles Captain Munch Weed-Infused Cereal” and “CannaPunch Grand Daddy Grape Juice”Read more...

Improved lung capacity from taking monster bong rips.Read more...

GOLDEN, CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain’s extended closures. “I am proud to…Read more...

In these stressful times, gamers are finding Animal Crossing: New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes. It’s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy, though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth. And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips…Read more...

“See that wall right there? I’m gonna punch a fucking hole through it, and I’d love to see you try and stop me.”Read more...

The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August, the first time the race has not been held in July since WWII, though public health experts warn that even with delays the event could trigger a resurgence of coronavirus across Europe. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Kicking themselves for spacing on what would have been an integral part of the documentary, the regretful producers of the ’98 Chicago Bulls documentary The Last Dance realized Friday they probably should have tried to interview Michael Jordan. “Fuck, I don’t know why we didn’t even think of this, he…Read more...

Read more...

With more people streaming entertainment at home as the coronavirus leaves brick-and-mortar businesses closed, Netflix is now worth $194 billion, $10 billion more than Disney, which is struggling due to delayed movie releases and shuttered theme parks. What do you think?Read more...

The coronavirus pandemic has virtually halted U.S. sports, but calls for sports to restart to provide entertainment for a largely home-bound nation have led some leagues to explore creative options to resume play. The Onion looks at potential ways for sports leagues to restart during coronavirus.Read more...

WASHINGTON—As the shock of Covid-19 continues to roil world markets, a report published Friday by the International Monetary Fund has found that more countries are choosing to peg their national currencies to Akoin, the cryptocurrency of musician and entrepreneur Akon. “Given the volatility of exchanges, we want our…Read more...

MONTECITO, CA—Sighing in remorse at the “monsters of my own creation” after viewing recent appearances on Fox News by Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, media tycoon and longtime talk show host Oprah Winfrey reportedly muttered “You have served me well, but this has gone too far,” Friday while loading a shotgun. “Well, we had a…Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster the booked guest’s professional credibility, Fox News executives reportedly tasked producer Lydia Reese Friday with calculating how long it would take to get Kid Rock a doctorate. “Hmm, it might be tough since he didn’t go to undergrad, but maybe we can swing some kind of honorary…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

PITTSBURGH—Inexplicably stressed and anxious over his recent unemployment, pathetic minimum-wage worker Michael Fortin was reportedly devastated about losing his job Friday, despite the fact it only paid a couple hundred dollars a week anyway. “He keeps crying, ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?,’ but it’s…Read more...

It might be too early to crown a winner in the next generation console wars, but Sony just gave us a major reason to stake money with these odds! After the exciting reveal of the DualSense controller earlier this month, the console titan just leaked an innovative new feature that will make the PlayStation 5 a…Read more...

TAOYUAN, TAIWAN—Shouting “Commodore” as nearby automatons were forced to cover their small peripheral’s microphones, a Taiwanese robotic baseball fan was ejected from a Monkeys–Lions game Friday after yelling slurs at a pitch camera. “Look at this defunct, malware-infected piece of scrap. You call that a strike? You…Read more...

The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this…Read more...

99-year-old British veteran Tom Moore has raised more than $15 million in support of the National Health Service’s fight against Covid-19 by walking 100 laps around his backyard, far surpassing his original goal of $1,250. What do you think?Read more...

1508-1512: In what is considered one of the highlights of Renaissance slideshows, Michelangelo adorns the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with detailed scenes of hedgehogs having a worse day than you.Read more...

AUSTIN—Expressing deep concern for his child’s well-being if he were to follow in his father’s footsteps, Russian roulette champion Hector Smith told reporters Thursday that he personally wouldn’t let his son play Russian roulette. “Back when I started playing, safety wasn’t a huge priority, but now as a parent…Read more...

The College Board announced that upcoming SAT testing has been postponed due to the coronavirus, but added that if schools remain closed this fall they may introduce a digital exam for students to take at home. What do you think?Read more...

LONDON—Acknowledging the devices as a “huge influence” on the eight-episode television series, writer-director Alex Garland reportedly recalled Thursday discovering personal computers while researching his techno thriller Devs. “I was just planning to make a show about free will, but it took on a whole new life once I…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking…Read more...

Read more...

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread, companies are chipping in to help with relief efforts any way they can, and Bungie is no exception. The acclaimed video game developer has recently announced that the series star, Master Chief himself, is available to fight the coronavirus, although they aren’t exactly…Read more...

Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.Read more...

The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?Read more...

SEATTLE—Bursting out of his bedroom and yelling “G’day, mate” at everyone within earshot, local boyfriend James Fitzpatrick announced plans Thursday to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent. “For the next several excruciating hours, I pledge to reference Steve Irwin and Outback Steakhouse…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment, scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world’s axolotls. “While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and…Read more...

NEW YORK—Racking his brain for some detail of the life he lived before quarantine measures began, local man Eric Leverett told reporters Thursday, “I was a barber…a barber, that’s right,” as he struggled to remember how he spent his days before the coronavirus pandemic struck. “Yes, yes, it’s coming back to me now: I…Read more...