The Onion

EARTH—Describing the situation as “less than ideal,” billions of blessed souls were forced to wander around Earth this week during a pest-control fumigation of Heaven. “Even after living a life of faith, service, purity, and good works, we’re told that for the next 36 hours, we’re not allowed in His Everlasting…Read more...

A zero-gravity oven is heading to the International Space Station to help astronauts make “common and widely consumed foods,” such as chocolate chip cookies. What do you think?Read more...

BROOKLYN—Remarking that it seemed as though she was intentionally twisting the meaning of his words, an audience participant at a drag brunch Thursday confirmed that he felt like the performer was deliberately misconstruing his responses to her questions. “When I first mentioned that I was a plumber and she said that…Read more...

I have a small confession to make. There’s this little thing that, for whatever reason, I just can’t stop Myself from doing. My creation is vast. The Earth these days is home to nearly 8 billion of My precious children—each one special, each created in My image, each worthy of My love. Which makes it all the more…Read more...

DEARBORN, MI—Admitting he had spent many sleepless nights afraid he would never make things right with the American people, Ford CEO James Hackett expressed worry Wednesday he might not bring back any of the jobs he had shipped outside the country. “It’s been a few years now since I moved production of the Ford Focus…Read more...

In a dramatic reversal, U.S. diplomat Gordon Sondland revised his testimony to confirm President Trump directed him to link American aid to Ukraine to a quid pro quo so that they investigate 2020 rival Vice President Biden. What do you think?Read more...

FAIRFAX, VA—Offering an official condemnation for what the organization viewed as his rabid anti-gun agenda, the National Rifle Association issued an “F” rating to Bugs Bunny Wednesday for tying up gun barrels into pretzel shapes. “Time and time again, we have seen this radical agitator seeking to curtail the Second…Read more...

In a major blow to the Paris Climate Agreement, the Trump administration announced that the U.S. will formally depart from the accord in the next year, although this can be quickly reversed by subsequent administrations. What do you think?Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—Stating that it would just take a minute and it would be way easier with two people, a new report released Wednesday revealed that local man Greg Metcalf just needed a little help here. “If you could just pop over here and grab the other end that would be great,” said the report, confirming this wasn’t…Read more...

YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural town, Catholic priest Father James Callahan found himself seriously considering child molestation this week as a possible avenue of being transferred to a different parish. “There’s just nothing interesting going on here,…Read more...

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Voters in Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, New Jersey and Virginia will head to the polls to elect state lawmakers, governors and other executives as representatives of the five states who hold odd-year elections. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In a new effort by the MTA and law enforcement to crack down on fare evasion, New York City reportedly opened a $500 million decoy subway station this week to catch turnstile jumpers. “This sprawling, state-of-the-art station will have all the sights and sounds of a regular terminal, including turnstiles that…Read more...

It is truly a tragic day for gamers everywhere. Speaking at a recent press conference, Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa sent shockwaves through the gaming industry after announcing that the upcoming Switch platformer Mario & Sonic At The Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 will be the last game.Read more...

DALLAS, TX—Seeking to showcase his pride for his comrades’ heroism, hardline pastry chef Dave Southerton had reportedly displayed a black-and-white American flag with a raspberry cream stripe Tuesday to honor the sacrifices bakers make every day. “My profession is constantly under attack nowadays by people who claim…Read more...

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FOSTER CITY, CA—In what the company stated was an effort to better cater to the financial realities of its customers, Visa has reportedly introduced a new preloaded debt card, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Our new debt card is available in outstanding balances from $50 to $150,000 on our platinum offering, allowing…Read more...

Following the release of Elizabeth Warren’s Medicare-for-All plan, Bernie Sanders called his own version “much more progressive in terms of protecting the financial well-being of middle-income families.” What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Noting his evident reluctance to break eye contact with the steadily rotating tupperware container, employees at Vizer Solutions speculated Tuesday that coworker Edward Morris was apparently just going to stare at his lunch in the microwave for the entire three-minute cook time. “Man, I guess his plan is to…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Exhorting the staff to heed his words no matter what department they hailed from, award-winning screenwriter and playwright Aaron Sorkin reportedly delivered a lengthy monologue Monday saying that America needs to dream bigger after he was informed by a Burberry employee that the coat he wanted was out of…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Serving as America’s Finest News Source for over 200 years, The Onion has always been at the forefront of educating and enlightening the drooling masses of this great nation, and now, more than ever, we must fight for future generations’ right to be informed, uplifted, and spoon-fed talking points by…Read more...

ATLANTA—Following leaked audio of the white supremacist’s slur-filled 2017 tirade, CNN responded Monday to Richard Spencer’s comments by apologizing for not getting him to say those things while on the network. “We’re truly sorry Mr. Spencer wasn’t able to espouse his hateful, anti-Semitic rhetoric during our…Read more...

The highly touted Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich returned on Sunday, bringing with it lengthy lines and excitement around the country for the temporarily unavailable menu item. What do you think?Read more...

WATERBURY, CT—Bemoaning his inability to prioritize actual responsibilities over online distractions, local man Harper Crawford reportedly spent hours surfing the internet Monday rather than dealing with real pressing issues piling up in Harvest Moon: Light of Hope. “Here I am reading through my friend’s Facebook page…Read more...

CARMEL, IN—In a report that shed new light into “How to really get this party going,” wedding guest Melissa Ramirez confirmed Friday that it was going to take a lot more than “Love Shack” to bring her out to the dance floor. “If you think dropping a silly little song like ‘Love Shack’ is going to make people leap out…Read more...

A recent study suggesting that regular red meat consumption has negligible effects countered growing consensus that eating red meat is bad for you, and gave rise to questions about why expert advice on meat consumption seems to change so often. The Onion takes a look at the history of studies about the effects of…Read more...

ATLANTA—Searching for anything bearing even a passing resemblance to a normal beverage, junior broker Eric Voss, 34, was observed scanning the menu at The Crow’s Nest, an upscale cocktail bar, for whichever drink included the fewest unfamiliar ingredients. “Elderflower? That’s definitely out, and this one seems to be…Read more...

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The nation enjoyed its most frightening holiday on Thursday with trick-or-treating, horror films, and costume parties. How did you celebrate Halloween?Read more...

DALLAS—In an effort to demonstrate that many decent and wholesome things transpired in the city on November 22, 1963, despite the occurrence of certain undeniably tragic events, the Dallas Visitor’s Center has unveiled a new exhibit Friday highlighting all the things that went right on the day of President John F.…Read more...

In a 232-196 party-line vote, the House of Representatives voted to formalize impeachment proceedings, bringing the inquiry into a far more public stage while clarifying the rules and scope of the investigation into the president’s wrongdoing. What do you think?Read more...

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CALGARY, ALBERTA—Laying the blame squarely at the feet of those who pushed the state-of-the-art pipe system towards self-sabotage, Canadian oil company TC Energy held a press conference Friday to announce that the Keystone Pipeline’s 9,000-barrel leak was due to protestors making it lose confidence in itself. “Having…Read more...

NEW YORK—Continuing the show’s much-lauded commitment to inclusivity, the producers of Sesame Street introduced a paranoid-schizophrenic Muppet Friday specifically conceived to help educate kids about Pat Sajak stealing their empty tuna cans. “For certain children, awareness of threats posed by the Wheel Of Fortune…Read more...

In a surprise move, the NCAA’s board of governors voted unanimously to allow college athletes to be compensated for the use of their name, image, and likeness. What do you think?Read more...

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KENNEBUNK, ME—Springing out of his characteristic ennui immediately upon hearing the knock at the restroom’s door, local man Ethan Finney reportedly announced, “Someone’s in here,” Friday at Sunflower Café in the first real assertion of his own existence in months. “One second! I’m in here!” said Finne, affirming the…Read more...

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CLIFTON, NJ—Saying he was unwilling to take any chances with his safety, local man Jay Tierney confirmed Thursday that he made sure to ask every trick-or-treater if they’re the real Dracula, just in case. “Obviously, Halloween can be a lot of fun, but if you show up at my doorstep with fangs and a cape, I’m gonna need…Read more...

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In a post staking out a stark contrast with Facebook’s stance, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced that Twitter will no longer run political ads, saying that he believes “political message reach should be earned, not bought.” What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Describing the French Canadian municipality as a “world-class city,” Nationals players admitted Thursday that their World Series win would be way sweeter if the franchise stilled played in Montréal. “We’ve never really considered D.C. our home, and we all grew up bleeding Expos blue,” said World Series MVP…Read more...

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District Judge Myron Thompson issued a ruling blocking the Human Life Protection Act from taking effect pending legal action, saying the Alabama ban—which bars abortions even in the case of incest or rape—would likely be shown to “violate an individual’s constitutional right to obtain a pre-viability abortion.” What…Read more...