The Onion

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re…Read more...

Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK CITY—Responding to an anonymous tip regarding alleged suspicious activity, police shot an unarmed black civilian who reportedly matched the description for Covid-19, sources confirmed Wednesday. “In the heat of the moment, it was completely impossible to differentiate between the 6-foot-1inch, 175-pound male…Read more...

Doctor: Among the country’s top-paying professionals are doctors, the broad category of medical practitioners who tell people how they will die. Doctors receive years of training to examine patients and figure out what will kill them, such as cancer or a genetic defect. For determining how patients will become a…Read more...

ATLANTA—Recommending that the nation’s populace act immediately to help stop the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released instructions Wednesday for all Americans to make their own hospitals. “Staying safe during coronavirus can be difficult, especially when you lack access to…Read more...

The estranged wife of NASA astronaut Anne McClain has been indicted for lying to federal authorities about McClain stealing her identity to access her bank account while aboard the International Space Station, a claim that would have been the first known case of a crime committed in space had it been true. What do you …Read more...

NEW YORK—Stressing that they would not allow a minor bump in the road to prevent them from delivering true change, the nation’s undaunted Bernie Sanders supporters announced Wednesday that they would continue his 2020 presidential campaign without the candidate. “Time and again, the mainstream media has predicted the…Read more...

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

Citing disagreements with the board of directors, Sergio Rivera resigned this week just five months into his tenure as SeaWorld CEO and days after the company furloughed 90% of its employees due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration…Read more...

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Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.Read more...

CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Downplaying requests to check his vital signs as “totally unnecessary,” primary care physician William Kinlaw recommended Wednesday that a coughing, feverish black patient “just go home and sleep it off.” “We’re dealing with a flood of people who have actual problems, so you shouldn’t come in unless it’s…Read more...

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Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.Read more...

Lady Gaga announced that she is curating the “One World: Together At Home” benefit concert that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC, and CBS on April 18 and feature musical artists including Elton John, Paul McCartney, Lizzo, and Billie Eilish among others. What do you think?Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Having run out of every other possible way to kill time, local couple Mark Lippeatt and Darcy Hatfield began the process of ranking all the lamps in their apartment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Okay, so the living room floor lamp scores major points for overall brightness, but I’m still going with the…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!”…Read more...

The insurance company Allstate announced its customers would receive a 15% payback on their monthly premiums for April and May, citing a nationwide reduction in driving as Americans sheltered in place. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Enjoying a significant uptick in viewers following recent viral appearances on his television show by New York governor and brother Andrew, ratings-hungry CNN analyst Chris Cuomo devoted an entire program Tuesday to interviewing the remaining 23 brothers in the Cuomo family. “This segment is called ‘Cuomo on…Read more...

Well, PS Plus subscribers, it turns out we have some potentially good news. As many gamers remain shut-in during the COVID-19 pandemic, Sony just announced its lineup for April, and it turns out people using their subscription service will be given the chance to download the 2004 romantic comedy Spanglish for free for…Read more...

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Wisconsin is holding its presidential primary today, despite calls from local Democrats and voting rights groups who fear moving forward with the election during the Covid-19 pandemic will put voters in danger and greatly reduce turnout. What do you think?Read more...

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday April 13th for all new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...

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STANFORD, CA—Cackling maniacally as they encouraged Americans to begin engaging in radical acts of self-care, crazed, quarantined mental health experts at Stanford University recommended scrawling the words “everything will be okay” in feces on the wall, sources confirmed Monday. “It may sound simple—hahahaha—but one…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Saying the probable linguistic accomplishment could very well constitute a scientific breakthrough, behavioral herpetologists at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that they have most likely successfully taught sign language to snakes. “Uh, yeah, after 20 years of hard work and nearly $250 million in…Read more...

In a reversal from previous guidelines, the CDC is now urging all Americans to make masks from household fabrics like tea towels or cotton T-shirts and wear them when out in public to prevent asymptomatic individuals from spreading the disease. What do you think?Read more...

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Quite often people omit the letter C in the everyday noun “truck.”

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NEW YORK—After bulldozers had demolished the provisional treatment centers, New York Police Department officials confirmed Friday they had razed the newly erected Central Park hospital tents, explaining that the structures, which housed coronavirus patients, violated outdoor encampment laws. “It’s illegal to set up…Read more...

Citing the need to maintain the country’s blood supply during the coronavirus pandemic, the FDA announced gay and bisexual men are eligible to donate blood if they’ve abstained from sex with other men for the previous three months. What do you think?Read more...

As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors, there have been many effects both on how people use the internet and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors, to reshaping work and education, to putting pressure on the grid. The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on…Read more...

After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.Read more...

Infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is helping lead the White House’s response against Covid-19, has been given a security detail after receiving threats online from conspiracy theorists who believe he is attempting to hurt the president’s image during a campaign year. What do you think?Read more...

This little stunner might only be 1/10 of a dollar, but she’s got 100% of our attention.Read more...

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When Capcom announced they would be continuing their series of blockbuster remasters, gamers got pumped to finally jump back into the shoes of S.T.A.R.S Member Jill Valentine in her daring escape from Raccoon City. But what fans were most excited about is how the developers would handle redesigning the Nemesis, an…Read more...

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Spotify announced a new kid-friendly app featuring over 8,000 songs, bedtime stories, lullabies, soundscapes, and themed playlists including country, Motown, Christian, and soul music. What do you think?Read more...

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