The Onion

NEW YORK—Stripped of his files and chair, police officer Mike McCarry was removed from desk duty and placed on empty-room duty Wednesday after brutally beating a drawer. “Effective immediately, Officer McCarry has been placed in an empty storage space off the main office bullpen while we investigate claims he…Read more...

TORO PAMPA, PARAGUAY—Cursing their luck after scientists confirmed their nation’s worst fears had been realized, officials in Paraguay were reportedly panicking Wednesday after discovering a rich deposit of natural resources. “Goddammit, this is tens of billions of dollars’ worth of rhodium, if not more—we’re sitting…Read more...

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NORMANDY PARK, WA—In a stunning display of managerial skill that had sources speculating about the heights he would reach in the world of multinational commerce, a precocious 5-year-old was on Wednesday already holding long, pointless meetings with his stuffed animals. The administrative prodigy reportedly displayed…Read more...

A dramatic new phase of the impeachment inquiry into President Trump’s dealings with Ukrainian officials starts today with public hearings from the acting ambassador to Ukraine and the deputy assistant secretary of state for the region. What do you think?Read more...

DALLAS—Seizing a rare opportunity to finally enjoy lunch without distracting her coworkers, Cranston & Digby copywriter Jeanine Mitchell took advantage of the moment Wednesday when the sudden crack of gunfire in the office provided her with the auditory cover she needed to bite into a crisp Kiku apple. “What great…Read more...

SEATTLE—Touting the new service as a way to maximize efficiency, Amazon officials announced Wednesday that they’ll be encouraging faster shipping speeds by strapping a cinder block to the accelerator of their drivers’ delivery trucks. “Our analysis has determined that Amazon drivers waste valuable time getting out of…Read more...

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SACRAMENTO—In an effort to generate renewable energy from an all-American source, the Sacramento Kings announced Tuesday that the Golden 1 Center would be powered by 100% windmill dunk energy by the year 2030. “The centripetal force and dazzling heat of windmill dunks is an incredible untapped source of green power,”…Read more...

Disney Plus, the subscription streaming service from Disney, will launch November 12. The Onion takes a look at the biggest features of Disney Plus.Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Expressing their deepest condolences to those affected by technical glitches, Disney Plus officials apologized Tuesday for apparently being all that some actual adults have. “We are working hard to resolve user issues involving the new Disney Plus system, and extend a sincere thank you to the recluses,…Read more...

Amidst an escalating pro-democracy movement in the city, a new video shows Hong Kong police shooting and injuring a 21-year-old protester who had allegedly been building a road block. What do you think?Read more...

AUGUSTA, ME—Expressing frustration with his roommate’s apparent lack of hygiene and off-putting habits, college freshman Kyle Hayes told reporters Tuesday that he was annoyed about having to room with Isaac Feldman, a 47-year-old adjunct professor at the University of Maine. “He’s always hitting me up for money and…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—In what industry analysts are calling an unprecedented shake-up in the streaming wars, several reports indicated Tuesday that Disney Plus suffered a lackluster debut after the Tennis Channel simultaneously offered its own on-demand subscription service at the same monthly rate. “While Disney’s back catalog…Read more...

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Ambrosia, a startup that pledges to maintain youthfulness by giving customers transfusions of plasma from young people, is back in business after an FDA notice prevented the company from continuing the maligned and dubious practice. What do you think?Read more...

WHITE BIRD, ID—Quietly discussing whether the canine needed some kind of psychological help, members of the Elk Creek wolf pack were worried Tuesday that a young member might be a sociopath after he heartlessly mauled a defenseless rabbit. “It’s really unnerving, he just ripped apart that poor thing without any…Read more...

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MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Revealing his choice after months of grave concerns about his health, the Dalai Lama triumphantly named his successor Monday after a woman who had written “The purpose of our lives is to be happy” in her Twitter bio came to his attention. “This Amanda Belfry of Gainesville, FL is the manifestation…Read more...

Billionaire businessman and former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg filed paperwork this week designating himself as a Democratic Party candidate in Alabama, setting the stage for a candidacy that could prove a threat to other moderates in the race. What do you think?Read more...

CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA—Calling the individual “patient zero” for the lethal strain of flames currently raging across the continent, Australian authorities announced Monday that the nationwide outbreak of wildfire may have been spread from Jeffrey Meyers, a Delta Airlines passenger traveling from the U.S. while ablaze.…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Referring to the Emmy-winning actor as “a real family man,” mother of three Janet Jeune casually rattled off the names and ages of Alec Baldwin’s children during the course of mundane conversation Monday. “His eldest daughter, Ireland, from his first marriage with that one actress, just turned 24,” Jeune…Read more...

RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW—Confronting you on all the shit you have been talking recently, furious sources close to you are asking insistently and repeatedly if you want to fucking go right now. “Why don’t you come over here and show me what the fuck you got,” the red-faced individual reportedly said, confirming that they…Read more...

CHICAGO—Hoping to provide customers with an alternative to the now-defunct service, United Airlines announced plans Monday to take over all of the Lolita Express routes. “We’re very excited to be offering guests the chance to visit these exotic and exciting locales now that the fleet of private planes used by Jeffrey…Read more...

We thought we already knew everything there was to know about the critically acclaimed Silent Hill series, but looks like we were wrong. Director Masashi Tsuboyama recently sat down with OGN and shared some fascinating history about developing the survival horror masterpiece, including the fact that the iconic fog was…Read more...

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CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—Confirming no one had raised the subject of drinking, coworkers of newly expectant mother Jennifer Guest reported that after the brand consultant announced her pregnancy to the office Monday, she had been a bit too quick to mention she was still allowed to have a weekly glass of wine. “She had…Read more...

Congolese warlord Bosco Ntaganda, otherwise known as “The Terminator,” was sentenced to 30 years by the International Criminal Court Thursday for 18 counts of war crimes and crimes against humanity. What do you think?Read more...

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PITTSBURGH—Admitting that he had butterflies in his stomach as soon as Mike Tomlin threw his challenge flag on the field, NFL referee Tony Corrente admitted Sunday that he was excited to see himself on TV while reviewing a pass interference call. “I’ve watched the play five times now, but it’s just so exciting seeing…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that they could give away a huge advantage by getting the Bears QB benched, the Detroit Lions switched to a loose “no-coverage” style defense Sunday to prevent Mitch Trubisky from losing his starting job. “If we’re not careful, Mitch could throw straight into double coverage, or worse chuck…Read more...

President Trump must pay $2 million to a range of charities to resolve a lawsuit alleging he misused his own charitable foundation to buy sports memorabilia and champagne at a charity gala, a New York judge ruled this week. What do you think?Read more...

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As many controversial stories have recently demonstrated, journalists play a significant role in determining how a news item is reported, as well as which narratives make it to light. The nature of social media and the rise in leakers and whistleblowers present new challenges for traditional reportage. They also offer…Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing the device’s absolute betrayal of company values, ABC News officials confirmed Friday that the network had fired the hot mic responsible for converting sound waves of Amy Robach revealing that the network spiked a story on Jeffrey Epstein. “This hot mic’s behavior clearly violates both our corporate…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Proclaiming their deep and sincere regret for any role their extensive line of greeting cards may have played in one of the darkest chapters of history, event-commemoration giant Hallmark apologized Friday for supplying Hitler’s infamous Third Reich with greeting cards from 1938 to mid-1945. “We deeply…Read more...

NEW YORK—Revealing that the “criminal masterminds” detonated a series of explosives and then rappelled down from the gallery ceiling, officials confirmed Friday that performance art thieves had broken into the MoMa and stolen a nude Marina Abramović whipping herself with a flaming rose. “After maneuvering past the…Read more...

Google, Facebook, and Apple have donated billions to aid the California housing crisis that many suggest they helped spur, although critics contend it will not be enough to counter the state’s rapidly rising cost of living and homelessness epidemic. What do you think?Read more...

MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Gripping the rim of the sink while staring at his reflection in his bathroom mirror, the Dalai Lama reportedly whispered, “New day, same bullshit,” Friday before slapping on a smile to go greet the masses. “If one more person asks me for spiritual guidance in the face of adversity, I’m going to blow…Read more...

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TACOMA, WA—Fully aware that the issue could cause tension and conflict for his family, recently divorced dad Frank Harrison confirmed Friday that he was waiting for the right time to introduce his children to the woman he hooked up with last night. “The divorce was just finalized last week, and they tell you not to…Read more...

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After years of hype, Hideo Kojima’s latest mind-bending odyssey is finally out. But as is typical for the gaming auteur’s unique work, there’s tons you need to know before embarking on this epic adventure. Here are OGN’s tips for getting started on Death Stranding.Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Crying out in terror as he suddenly began fading from view, the agnoized soul of James Dean was reportedly disappearing from Heaven Thursday as filmmakers finished constructing a CGI version of the actor. “Oh no, the pain is excruciating—what is happening to me?” said the iconic 1950s film star, who…Read more...

Tuesday’s elections brought Virginia Democrats to power over the governorship and State House for the first time since 1993, a significant blow Republicans compounded with a stinging loss in the Kentucky gubernatorial race. What do you think?Read more...

SEATTLE—Declaring they would stop at nothing to ensure the ailment was wiped out, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation reportedly pledged $25 billion Thursday toward eradicating whatever disease drives people to support taxing the rich. “It’s heartbreaking to see so many afflicted people driven to delusions that…Read more...

SEATTLE—Hoping to pick up a few tips on “maximizing his creative toolkit,” local poet Ian Kelly, 31, was reportedly watching a video about the habits of effective artists Thursday so that he, too, could be an effective artist. “These tips are what the best of the best do, practices that the leading artistic minds…Read more...

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