The Onion

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as…Read more...

Whoa-ho-ho, gamers, looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along! After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont, it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed, meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox…Read more...

First, plug it into your USB port and download the necessary drivers.Read more...

Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.Read more...

The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis’s Instagram account, which is managed by a team of people, liked a photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto. What do you think?Read more...

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a…Read more...

Buzzfeed announced plans Thursday to buy news and commentary website HuffPost from Verizon Media, which will become a minority shareholder of the company. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon…Read more...

From Tom Brady’s ageless pursuit of NFL dominance to the crisp, thrilling perfection of the showtime Lakers, professional sports can be a showcase for amazing talent, dedication, and human achievement. Or it can be a showcase for the New York Jets. Here is Onion Sports’ list of the worst professional sports teams of…Read more...

DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections, a report released Friday found that you were lonely before the pandemic started, and you’ll be lonely after it ends. “An overwhelming amount of evidence indicates that while being surrounded by others wasn’t enough to…Read more...

WENHAM, MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation, Zach Kartman, a local man on a video date, was reportedly unsure Friday if he was supposed to be the one to pay the internet bill. “I don’t really know what the expectation is here,” said a slightly flustered Kartman, telling reporters…Read more...

THE COLD LANDS—Saying he didn’t know what it was about his cloak and white steed that drew them to him, local traveler Cosmus of Bonvia confirmed Friday that he was sick of people asking him for tidings from the north. “What, a man can’t journey through Forgotten Pass anymore without being stopped at every juncture by…Read more...

Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.

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Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chili, you best not miss.Read more...

Despite the pandemic, a survey by The Ohio State University finds that 40% of Americans intend to celebrate Thanksgiving with groups of 10 or more people and that a third of respondents will not ask guests to wear masks. What do you think?Read more...

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Actor Michael B. Jordan has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2020, a title the Black Panther star called “a good club to be a part of.” What do you think?Read more...

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Taking place amid the uncertainty of Covid-shortened seasons and a flurry of high-profile trades, the 2020 NBA draft will have huge implications for which GMs get fired in two years. Here are Onion Sports’ winners and losers of last night’s draft.Read more...

SACRAMENTO, CA—Following reports that he patronized the three-Michelin-star restaurant with a group of at least a dozen people, Gov. Gavin Newsom of California was widely criticized Thursday for eating at The French Laundry when Atelier Crenn offers a clearly superior take on contemporary cuisine. “It’s absolutely…Read more...

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California’s current Covid-19 restrictions, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law Thursday reclassifying outdoor dining as any restaurant that is located outside. “As of today, any dining establishment whose four exterior walls are exposed to open air and whose…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check, actor and recording artist Omarion reportedly figured Thursday that his level of fame had diminished to the point where it was no longer necessary to leave a huge tip everywhere he went out. “These days, I think it’s fine for me to tip a…Read more...

BROOKLYN—Frantically scanning the list to find their names, the 2020 NBA draft prospects desperately crowded around a bulletin board Thursday morning to see who got drafted where. “Aww man, I got the Cavs? I wanted the Warriors so bad. My life is over,” said Auburn forward Isaac Okoro, who slinked away as James…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual’s character, the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile’s positive qualities, too. “It’s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex…Read more...

Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.Read more...

New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that Mardi Gras parades will be prohibited next year due to the coronavirus pandemic, but added that city officials are asking the public to submit ideas for ways to celebrate the holiday safely. What do you think?Read more...

BLUE MOUNTAIN, MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development, the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78% of draft prospects were discovered after a scout’s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop. “According to our data, the vast majority of prospects…Read more...

It was revealed this week that a $1 million donation Dolly Parton made in April to research a cure for Covid-19 helped fund Moderna’s coronavirus vaccine, which preliminary data shows may be up to 94.5% effective. What do you think?Read more...

FOX RIVER GROVE, IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees, local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood. “Please, you don’t have to do this, please—think of the homeowner’s association!” said Olson, weeping into her hands as…Read more...

NASHUA, NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again. “After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight…Read more...

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A Promised Land, Barack Obama’s new memoir about his presidency, was released Tuesday. The Onion looks at the biggest highlights and revelations from the book.Read more...

WILMINGTON, DE—Assuring supporters that the transition process would continue apace regardless of the White House’s decision making, President-Elect Joe Biden insisted Wednesday that a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration would not interfere with the upcoming four years of total political inaction.…Read more...

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DES MOINES—Calling it the “ideal spot” to get intubated for a prolonged period of time, nurse Tamara King told reporters Wednesday that she’d hoped the extra-comfy ICU bed was free when she was admitted as a patient in two weeks. “Obviously it’s not ideal, but when I do get sick, that remote-controlled MedlinePlus has…Read more...

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing frustrated as she tried to figure out what the latest round of bullshit tyrannical restrictions meant for her, local Covid denier Grace Paquin reportedly admitted Wednesday that she was struggling to effectively protest her state’s incoherent and constantly changing coronavirus policies. “It’s…Read more...

If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.Read more...

A Boeing 737 struck a brown bear while landing in southeast Alaska on Saturday, damaging the plane and killing the bear. What do you think?Read more...

ALLENDALE HEIGHTS, GA—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star power forward, local Atlanta fan Jalen Greene posted “Giannis to Hawks!” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly retweets porn. “We’re gonna have Giannis down low, and we didn’t even have to give up…Read more...

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English musician Harry Styles has become the first male to star alone on the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s December 2020 issue. What do you think?Read more...

WOODBRIDGE, CT—Deciding to put off making a final decision on how to safely dispose of the materials, a local hazardous waste facility reportedly stuffed all their batteries in the drawer Tuesday until they can figure out what to do with them. “Obviously we can’t just throw batteries in the trash with the other stuff,…Read more...

KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn’t love her anymore. “No, no, don’t apologize, honey—if it isn’t safe…Read more...

The top-ranked golfer in the world Dustin Johnson won the 2020 Masters on Sunday, breaking the previous record of 18-under par previously held by Tiger Woods and Jordan Spieth by two strokes. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Peering through the blinds into the glow of a nearby streetlight, local private eye Cliff Hardy confirmed Tuesday that it was hard for him to meet women who weren’t suspects in the murders of their own husbands, the mysterious circumstances of which he happened to be investigating at their behest. “I’d…Read more...

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