The Onion

NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.” “Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me…Read more...

There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.Read more...

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President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?Read more...

Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?Read more...

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As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized…Read more...

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With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval…Read more...

CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and…Read more...

Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary.Read more...

GREENVILLE, SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions, pedestrians passing on a busy sidewalk Wednesday reportedly stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other. “I promise mine’s friendly—do you mind if he says hello?”…Read more...

EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.Read more...

Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross, approximately 90% of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person’s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. “Our findings demonstrate that, upon spotting a…Read more...

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As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887, residents of Punxsutawney, PA gathered on Groundhog’s Day to discover Phil had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole, predicting an early spring. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next…Read more...

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His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?Read more...

With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?Read more...

When you think of the masters of graphic novels, one name reigns supreme: Alan Moore. The godfather of cerebral comic books rose to critical prominence with his brain-melting take on Swamp Thing in the eighties before changing the landscape of graphic storytelling forever with Watchmen, V For Vendetta, and From Hell.…Read more...

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AURORA, IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible, 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this crazy,…Read more...

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ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels, a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive. “I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen, but keep in…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space, tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord. “There’s only so much one person can take, and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for…Read more...

MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft. “I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had…Read more...

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MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official’s face, former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “bullshit” call that went against his son, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. “You son of a bitch, you’ve…Read more...

MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home, an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday, encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players. “We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there, romping around and having fun,…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday’s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company’s holiday party. “This is alright, I guess, but it really doesn’t…Read more...

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MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle of his route during Sunday’s Super Bowl so he could savor the special moment. “You work your whole life to get to this place, but you don’t always stop and…Read more...

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MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack, 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa expressed annoyance Sunday that every time he tried to rush the passer some guy ended up standing in his way. “What the hell? How am I supposed to get inside the pocket when there is some…Read more...

MECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man Walt Madison told partygoers Sunday that he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate for any human company whatsoever. “I’m not super into sports, so it’s really…Read more...

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MIAMI—Calling the rule the most effective way to increase the speed and accuracy of security, the NFL implemented increased safety requirements Sunday that mandated all attendees of Super Bowl LIV wear clothes made from transparent plastic. “As a security precaution, no one will be admitted to the Hard Rock Stadium…Read more...

In an attempt to curtail the White House’s authority in matters of war, the House of Representatives voted to repeal the 2002 war authorization used by George W. Bush and subsequent administrations as justification for military strikes in a move that would require congressional approval before any action against Iran.…Read more...

Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors.Read more...

With a death toll climbing to 180 in China and reported cases in dozens of other nations, World Health Organization officials declared the coronavirus a global health emergency in the hope of raising awareness about combating the rapidly-spreading epidemic. What do you think?Read more...

PLANO, TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large, international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular, unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger. “As responsible corporate citizens, we…Read more...

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A Quinnipiac University poll found three-quarters of registered voters think witnesses should be allowed in the Senate impeachment trial, a finding that suggests both Republicans, Democrats, and independents oppose Mitch McConnell’s avoidance of such a motion, although respondents differed in which individuals they…Read more...

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