The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the lowest rung, a recent episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort of oppressed minority. “Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a…Read more...

Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license, ending a previous exception that allowed 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to fully ban child marriages. What do you think?Read more...

Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people…Read more...

The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news that two staffers had tested positive for coronavirus, though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?Read more...

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ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your…Read more...

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DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she’d get. “Man, if you’d have told me in March…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas, sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it had always assumed the White House would be bigger in person. “When you think White House, you think of this grand place where the most powerful person in the world lives, but…Read more...

Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.Read more...

This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10, the first oral contraceptive for women, though contraceptives were not legally available to married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972. What do you think?Read more...

Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.Read more...

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Dr. Anthony Fauci, CDC director Robert Redfield, and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days following possible “low grade” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan’s final championship, The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046. “I hear people’s frustrations, but we wanted…Read more...

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WILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to…Read more...

PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing…Read more...

Everyone recognizes Jessica Alba from her extensive work in television and on the silver screen, but did you know that long before the Hollywood bombshell made it big in the entertainment world she was actually Husrev Tevetoğlu, an elderly Turkish man?Read more...

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Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.Read more...

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Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this year, though details on how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic, top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. “As today’s report from the Bureau of Labor…Read more...

In a poll conducted by the Washington Post, nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes, though analysts warn that up to 40% of jobs could be permanently lost. What do you think?Read more...

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Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy, a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $360,000 to the president’s reelection fundraising committee since January, as the 75th chief executive officer of the United States Postal Service. What do you think?Read more...

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.Read more...

NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip,…Read more...

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.Read more...

Well, would you look at that, a slice of bread. You see it everyday, but you probably don’t look very closely. Well, that’s about to change. Let’s zoom in a little bit.Read more...

After Babel debuted to acclaim at the Cannes Film Festival, critics compared it to your previous films Amores Perros and 21 Grams.Read more...

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.

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NEW YORK—In a manner sources described as “effortlessly chill,” actress Chloë Sevigny reportedly said “Hey” Thursday in a cool, unaffected greeting to her firstborn child. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” said Sevigny, addressing her newborn son for the first time with mild interest as she glanced around the room. “New here?…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction, NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a local black teen was only coughing because he had just been choking him. “Oh God, please let that be a barely clinging-to-life cough and not a dry cough,” said MacLeod, explaining…Read more...

NEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Searching the expansive property for a location that wouldn’t be too ostentatious, college student Maria Visone was attempting to find the shabbiest angle in her parents’ penthouse to Zoom into class from, sources confirmed Thursday. “Maybe I can kind of just point it against this corner and no one will…Read more...

Researchers in Belgium are studying whether antibodies from llamas could help neutralize Covid-19 infections, noting that the animals produce proteins that have the ability to bind to the coronavirus’s spiky exterior. What do you think?Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle, the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos. “For crying out loud, they’re all…Read more...

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