The Onion

PLANO, TX—In the six weeks since classes began at Plano Senior High School, quiet, nerdy student Henry Orvis, 16, has been lying in wait and looking for just the right moment to unleash his freestyle rap talents on his fellow sophomores, sources reported Monday. “Soon, very soon, the time will be right, and I daresay…Read more...

The divide between games and reality is vast. Though it can feel like you’re getting better and honing your skills while you’re playing, those skills don’t necessarily translate in the real world. As challenging as these games might sometimes be, years of playing tower defense games can’t even begin to prepare you for…Read more...

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Birth control and fewer pregnancies have led to abortions among women of reproductive age dropping 3.4% to 13.5% between 2011 and 2017, the lowest ever since abortions became legal in 1973. What do you think?Read more...

VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos. “Effective immediately upon learning that many of these…Read more...

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DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels…Read more...

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?Read more...

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game…Read more...

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MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many…Read more...

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day…Read more...

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best…Read more...

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.Read more...

The White House has revoked California’s right to set its own vehicle emissions standards and banned other states from setting similar rules in a move that would likely increase carbon emissions from transportation but will almost certainly face legal challenges. What do you think?Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Noting that the 85-year-old’s luggage had not even been carried from the foyer to her new room yet, medical staff told reporters Thursday that area grandmother Mary Rosenstein had contracted herpes within five minutes of checking into Tompkins Manor nursing home. “She got her name tag, she got her welcome…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Saying that he wouldn’t recommend such an invasive course of action unless the situation was dire, Pope Francis told a sinner Thursday that a risky experimental sacrament was the only thing capable of saving him. “At such an advanced stage and with sins this mortal, I’d put the odds of saving your soul at…Read more...

In a major acquisition for the streaming giant, Netflix announced that it has acquired the rights to the popular sitcom Seinfeld, which will bring all 180 episodes of the sitcom to the company starting in 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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BEVERLY, MA—Noting that, oh shit, the little guy really went down hard, sources close to the situation confirmed Thursday that a toddler just face-planted right onto the sidewalk. “Oh, Jesus, he was walking fine and then—bam—down he went,” said onlooker Danielle Roper, who watched as local toddler Lucas Novich tripped…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Encouraging the first baseman to tread carefully during his long recovery process, the Cubs team doctor recommended Thursday that Anthony Rizzo rehab his injured ankle by engaging in light physical activities like baseball. “I told him to take it easy and maybe just try something like nine innings of…Read more...

OXFORD, OH—Emphasizing that some alone time was a completely healthy way to keep things in perspective, coworkers confirmed Thursday that 31-year-old retail employee Andy Ellison has a little daily ritual of sitting down on a box in a quiet corner of the stock room, drinking most of a can Dr. Pepper, and not killing…Read more...

Following a contentious campaign that saw the Israeli prime minister playing to far-right voters, exit polls have shown Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud party trailing the center-left Blue and White party and gains for the Arab Joint List, raising the likelihood of a unity government and a reigning in of the country’s drift…Read more...

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FERGUS FALLS, MN—Gifting them another 7-year-old as a token of appreciation for their patience, local adoption agency Kindred Family Focus reportedly gave a couple who waited a long time an extra kid free of charge Wednesday. “We know we kept you waiting for a child for a long time, so in order to show our thanks,…Read more...

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A team at Stanford University and the University of California have developed a novel treatment to stop the common cold by attacking proteins in our own cells that the virus needs to replicate. What do you think?Read more...

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MERRIMACK, OH—Praising those who had leapt into action to prevent the incident from escalating, relieved authorities announced Wednesday that they had thankfully stopped a school shooter before he did enough damage to restart the national gun debate. “We’re all certainly glad that the shooter was only able to kill two…Read more...

MIAMI—After giving up 43 points in a shut-out game this past weekend, local Dolphins fan Derrick Gomez confirmed Wednesday that he was beginning to think that Miami head coach Brian Flores was not the main driving force behind the New England Patriots’ years of success. “It seemed like a big win for us, at first,…Read more...

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit debuted September 20, 1999, and has become a much-watched and much-referenced crime drama over its 20 seasons and counting on the air. The Onion looks back at key moments over the show’s history as it turns 20.Read more...

DIRECTV, PA—Citing the rising cost of major metropolitan sponsorship, municipal officials announced Wednesday that, effective Nov. 1 of this year, the city once known as Philadelphia will now be called DirecTV, PA after the cream cheese company opted to discontinue its long-held naming rights to the city. “The name…Read more...

Touting the contest as a way of demoing his plan for a universal basic income, presidential candidate and businessman Andrew Yang has moved forward on his plan to give away $120,000 to 10 families, saying over 450,000 individuals have already entered. What do you think?Read more...

Hi, I’m Kevin Costner. In 1995, I was in a pretty big-budget movie called Waterworld, and a major plot point of Waterworld was that the polar ice caps had completely melted, the sea levels rose, and the world was covered in water. I guess I’m bringing this up because a big thing currently happening on Earth is that …Read more...

SEATTLE—Emphasizing the importance of providing comfort and support, social media manager Gillian Dearborne assured her longtime friend Julie Kaplan Tuesday that she would always be just a phone call, prefaced by 45 minutes of breathless meandering about some guy she’s seeing, away. “If you ever need me for…Read more...

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BEAVERTON, OR—Warning customers to return the garments should they find themselves being drained of all fluids, Nike recalled thousands of sweat-wicking shirts Tuesday that inadvertently pulled gallons of liquid directly from wearers’ bodies. “If you or anyone you know puts on a Legend Dri-FIT short-sleeve training…Read more...

CHICAGO—In an attempt to win back increasingly health-conscious consumers, fast-food giant McDonald’s launched its new “You Can’t Run From Us Forever” ad campaign Tuesday, a media blitz intended to remind potential customers of the futility of avoiding the ubiquitous restaurant. “Despite the trend toward calorie…Read more...

Examining the genre’s century-long rise through a 16-hour, 8-part documentary, Ken Burns’ Country Music premiered on Sunday to critical acclaim that lauded the series’ ability to celebrate the musical form’s history while discussing its more fraught roots. What do you think?Read more...

Oh, man, gamers have got to take a gander at this new trainwreck. It looks like reviewers across the internet are harping on new RPG Eternal Dragon: Knights Of Terellia, deriding the open-world game’s 5,000 hours of dialogue spread over 200 side quests and six different endings as completely rushed and blandly…Read more...

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BRISTOL, CT—Utilizing his expertise as one of the ad game’s all-time great pitchmen, ESPN debuted a new Monday Night Football segment this week featuring Peyton Manning breaking down the current crop of quarterback commercials. “Baker’s delivery is still a little stiff, but he has all the raw tools to deliver…Read more...

A recently surfaced sexual misconduct allegation suggests that at least one report about Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh’s behavior went undiscussed at his confirmation hearing, although the claim lacked corroboration or significant investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WALPOLE, NH—As he shuffled through the pages of one of the 463 x 1018 primary resources he has assembled thus far, an overwhelmed Ken Burns reported Monday that he may have gotten in over his head when he agreed to produce a 17-trillion-hour documentary for PBS titled The Universe. “It’s definitely a lot more work…Read more...

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that the U.S. history teacher had freaked out over basically nothing, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Mr. Bennington completely lost his shit in third period. “We were in the middle of a unit on World War II and Kyle was just sort of talking with some friends, and all of a sudden,…Read more...

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Saying that his rude and obnoxious behavior should have come as a surprise to absolutely no one, classroom sources confirmed Monday that Kyle was acting like a petulant little shit in third period. “I’m trying to get these kids to focus for long enough to actually learn a thing or two about the…Read more...