The Onion

It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak, top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot. “We get that it’s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff, but this one, well, let’s just say it got around,” said…Read more...

CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed, lonely pedophile Henry Corimer, 46, reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate, empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday, remarking wistfully upon the scene. “To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was…Read more...

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that 80 million Americans will receive a direct deposit for up to $1,200 this week as part of the government’s economic relief package, with early reports indicating the funds are being used on food, gas, rent, and other necessities. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Claiming enough was enough after enduring the worst stretch in the history of the storied franchise, the Chicago Bulls announced Monday that they were firing general manager Gar Forman after a six-week winless streak. “While we appreciate all of Gar’s contributions, it’s simply unacceptable to go over a month…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine. “Usually, I’ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up, but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to…Read more...

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The ideal vocation for this outlet would be firing up a state-of-the-art drip system for your favorite beans, but he would definitely still be open to a more subtle role, like heating the electric kettle that you use for pour over.Read more...

Consider first the site of the Countess’ unannounced departure: her study. As all witnesses agree, the Countess spent the evening penning correspondences at her desk, where the telltale scratch of her quill could be detected well into the evening. However, immediately following the stroke of midnight, the staff claims…Read more...

The dramatic effects of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. economy have given rise to calls for America to restart, while critics warn that reopening America before the pandemic abates will have grave long-term consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of reopening America before the coronavirus…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country, concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation’s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets. “A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young…Read more...

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SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for…Read more...

Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.Read more...

HARTFORD, CT—Paying tribute to the brave men and women on the frontlines, Aetna president and CEO Larry Merlo released a statement Tuesday honoring his courageous employees who continue to seek and collect insurance debt from customers “proudly and by any means necessary” in this difficult time. “Our nation owes a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly,…Read more...

Stock-car driver Kyle Larson has been suspended by NASCAR, his racing team, and the online simulation game iRacing for using a racial slur during a virtual competition, though he could be eligible for reinstatement if he completes sensitivity training. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the coronavirus pandemic should not affect America’s hardline stance against the Middle Eastern republic, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo warned Tuesday that he strongly suspected Iran of stockpiling tubes to build a ventilator. “Iran has repeatedly ignored our messages to refrain from…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Faced with the prospect of complete financial ruin due to the Covid-19 outbreak, the U.S. Postal Service officially unveiled a plan Tuesday to pay off its debts by issuing a new $1 trillion stamp. “As part of our effort to remain solvent and continue serving the American people, we are proud to introduce…Read more...

NEW YORK—The nation reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Monday after learning of a social media message from IFC sitcom Brockmire in which the cast and crew wished them well amidst these trying times. “Thank God, if Hank Azaria and Amanda Peet want us to do our part to stay healthy and happy during the outbreak, then…Read more...

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Lawyer Stella Morris claimed in a video posted online that she is engaged to WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and that he fathered their two children in the Ecuadorian embassy, where he lived from 2012 through 2019 while evading rape and espionage charges. What do you think?Read more...

British prime minister Boris Johnson left the hospital Sunday following a weeklong stay including three days in the ICU due to complications from Covid-19, though he will not return to work until a later date. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Calling the machine a “potential breakthrough” in the nonprofit’s fight against the coronavirus pandemic, a desperate American Red Cross introduced a new high-powered arm juicer Monday designed to get every last drop of blood out of donors. “We’ve been struggling to find healthy donors, so this machine is a…Read more...

Lawmakers are finally beginning to take action with a new coronavirus package that will distribute 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles to all bored families most affected. But will it be enough?Read more...

Ying Ying and Le Le, two giant pandas living at a zoo in Hong Kong currently closed due to coronavirus, have successfully mated for the first time in a decade, though it could be months before staff can determine if Ying Ying is pregnant. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Upending generations of established scholarship, a report published Monday by the American Historical Association has revealed the Declaration of Independence was only intended to be a vehicle for the Founding Fathers to vent in private about various grievances they had. “According to newly uncovered…Read more...

When the news first came down the pipeline that The Last of Us Part II wouldn’t be hitting its planned Feb. 21, 2020 release date, it was a major blow to devotees of the series everywhere—but an understandable one. After all, this is one of the greatest gaming series in the medium’s history. If the Uncharted and Jax…Read more...

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Corbin Bernsen is perhaps best known for his role in the hit ’80s TV drama L.A. Law, but we bet you didn’t realize he was yet another victim of Green Card star Andie MacDowell! In 2010, the Hollywood actress dragged a screaming Bernsen into the trunk of her car before driving him out into the Mojave Desert and…Read more...

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now.…Read more...

While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...

White House coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview this week that Americans should end the practice of shaking hands, noting that doing so would reduce the transmission of respiratory illnesses like Covid-19 and influenza. What do you think?Read more...

Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.Read more...

Buckle up, Final Fantasy fans, because the hotly anticipated remake to the most beloved installment in this series has finally rolled out, and it’s everything we could have wanted! Square Enix’s latest release offers a completely remastered experience chock-full of innovative additions, but none are as dazzling as the…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…Read more...

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Now that’s what we call a brick!Read more...

Tiger King, a true-crime documentary series, has taken the nation by storm. The Onion looks at the most thrilling and talked-about moments from the series.Read more...

According to the National Multifamily Housing Council, 31% of renters did not pay rent within the first week of April, up from the normal monthly average of 20% as more Americans struggle to make ends meet during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the…Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…Read more...

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re…Read more...

Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?Read more...

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