The Onion

ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus. Striding past…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Touting the measure as the most ambitious effort ever to tackle climate change on a global level, the United States unveiled a plan Monday for the rest of the world to become carbon-neutral by 2030. “Climate change is a serious threat to American livelihoods, which is why we have taken the unprecedented…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Declaring the armored lighter-than-air sky fortress a testament to African American achievement across parallel realities, the Smithsonian Museum celebrated Black Alternate History Month Monday with a full-scale recreation of The B.S.S. Crisis, W.E.B. Du Bois’ war zeppelin. “Looking at this afro-futurist…Read more...

Brace yourself, OGN readers, because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer! According to police reports, Denver, CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times…Read more...

SAN CARLOS, CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother’s normal state, local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic, distant mom wasn’t suffering from postpartum depression at all. “Huh, that’s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings, insomnia,…Read more...

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Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Citing the group’s general lack of enthusiasm about the idea of playing another season of baseball, New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso reportedly asked his teammates Friday whether they’d all rather sign up for volleyball this year. “We’ve been doing the baseball thing for a while now, but everyone gets…Read more...

It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?Read more...

President Trump’s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for lying to Congress and obstructing the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election. What do you think?Read more...

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DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in…Read more...

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.Read more...

Well, this is going to turn some gamers off. Naughty Dog’s recent games have long been known for their brutal depiction of violence and thought-provoking exploration of adult themes. But according to new information on The Last of Us Part II’s official website, the ESRB has given the upcoming title an M rating solely…Read more...

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Linking arms together and digging their feet heels triumphantly into the ground, hundreds of passengers aboard a coronavirus-infected cruise ship refused to leave Friday after forming unlikely friendships with each other that transcended their nationalities and languages. “When we first set out on this…Read more...

Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?Read more...

The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we…Read more...

George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has been in federal prison since 2012 after he was convicted of attempting to sell Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat. What do you think?Read more...

February 19 marks 30 years since the release of Adobe Photoshop, a photo-editing software that’s since become synonymous with digital photo manipulation. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of Photoshop on its 30-year anniversary.Read more...

Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.Read more...

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The Boy Scouts of America filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Tuesday, a move the organization says is necessary in the face over 300 lawsuits, but which critics say is an attempt to escape its financial obligations to sexual abuse victims. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets. “After months of hard work, we are so proud to debut our new ‘Dissociation’ tour, which…Read more...

GLENWILLOW, OH—In what is believed to be the largest anti-animal-cruelty rally targeting a household appliance maker, thousands of angry PETA activists descended on Hoover headquarters Wednesday to protest a model of vacuum cleaner that reportedly spooked a dog. “Animal lives are equal to human lives, and a vacuum…Read more...

A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at some point during the 2017-2018 school year, more than double the number reported in 2004. What do you think?Read more...

A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.Read more...

Median Income: 3.5 credit hours

WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses, a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years. “Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy’s…Read more...

More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William Barr to resign after Barr intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone. What do you think?Read more...

IRVING, TX—Stressing that the century-old youth organization wasn’t going anywhere despite its recent Chapter 11 filing, Boy Scouts of America CEO Roger Mosby told reporters Tuesday he was confident the group could overcome the devastating stigma of bankruptcy. “On behalf of the BSA’s leadership, I wish to assure our…Read more...

Hold on to your hats, OGN readers, because you are not going to believe this! Nintendo fans are reeling after Kenta Motokura just dropped a huge piece of lore about the Mario universe: It turns out that even though Mario talks about being Italian all the time, he’s actually only one-quarter Sicilian and his last name…Read more...

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CHANCELLOR, SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure, armed teacher Melissa Wade rehearsed shooting the wall, a gunman, and three students Tuesday as part of an active shooter drill. “It’s sad our students have to live with the reality of school shootings, but I feel safer…Read more...

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OXFORD, ENGLAND—Noting that the steady rise in global temperatures was beginning to have a significant impact on their work, anthropologists at Oxford University told reporters Tuesday that they were struggling to keep up with the abundance of early human remains being thawed out due to climate change. “It seems like…Read more...

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The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.

OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy, Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him. “While we respect the vow…Read more...