The Onion

JERSEY CITY, NJ—Shrugging while pulling the several-months-old vegetable out of a bag on her counter, local woman Janice Freidman reportedly inspected a writhing, screaming potato with 8-foot-long roots Friday before deeming it “probably still good.” “I bet it’s fine—if I just cut off the spiked, muscular tendrils and…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Straining to keep up with the frantic buzz of incoming calls, Facebook’s 25-person switchboard room was reportedly in a state of controlled chaos Friday afternoon in an attempt to handle the site’s overwhelming traffic. “Okay, I’ll connect you to her page. Yes sir, patching you into that album now.…Read more...

While host Leslie Price wishes his Italian getaway would never end, he simply can’t wait to get back behind the microphone. Join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...

White House coronavirus task force member Dr. Anthony Fauci said in an interview this week that Americans should end the practice of shaking hands, noting that doing so would reduce the transmission of respiratory illnesses like Covid-19 and influenza. What do you think?Read more...

Last week, we were absolutely sure the Second Coming of Jesus Christ was at hand when a bearded man with long, flowing locks materialized before us, but it was just the pizza delivery guy.Read more...

Buckle up, Final Fantasy fans, because the hotly anticipated remake to the most beloved installment in this series has finally rolled out, and it’s everything we could have wanted! Square Enix’s latest release offers a completely remastered experience chock-full of innovative additions, but none are as dazzling as the…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—In response to consumer complaints regarding other methods deemed by many to be too clumsy, messy, and slow for daily use, executives at the KitchenAid home appliance company announced Friday a new high-speed countertop chicken decapitator. “The HeadsGone unit has a tempered, spinning blade inside…Read more...

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Now that’s what we call a brick!Read more...

Tiger King, a true-crime documentary series, has taken the nation by storm. The Onion looks at the most thrilling and talked-about moments from the series.Read more...

According to the National Multifamily Housing Council, 31% of renters did not pay rent within the first week of April, up from the normal monthly average of 20% as more Americans struggle to make ends meet during the pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to recent criticism for their apparent silence regarding accusations made by a former Senate office staffer, the New York Times editorial board pledged Thursday to provide full coverage of sexual assault allegations against Joe Biden in an upcoming crossword. “We promise this story will get the…Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Settling in for another day at the helm of his booming telecommunication empire, Zoom CEO Eric Yuan reportedly reclined in his chair Thursday to watch the massive wall of screens in his office that continuously displays 10 million live video feeds from his company’s platform. “So much to catch up on…Read more...

DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19 pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only shopping hours Thursday for dipshits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn feet away. “We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re…Read more...

Bernie Sanders suspended his presidential campaign Wednesday, saying a path to victory was “virtually impossible” after falling behind former Vice President Joe Biden by nearly 300 delegates. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK CITY—Responding to an anonymous tip regarding alleged suspicious activity, police shot an unarmed black civilian who reportedly matched the description for Covid-19, sources confirmed Wednesday. “In the heat of the moment, it was completely impossible to differentiate between the 6-foot-1inch, 175-pound male…Read more...

Doctor: Among the country’s top-paying professionals are doctors, the broad category of medical practitioners who tell people how they will die. Doctors receive years of training to examine patients and figure out what will kill them, such as cancer or a genetic defect. For determining how patients will become a…Read more...

ATLANTA—Recommending that the nation’s populace act immediately to help stop the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released instructions Wednesday for all Americans to make their own hospitals. “Staying safe during coronavirus can be difficult, especially when you lack access to…Read more...

The estranged wife of NASA astronaut Anne McClain has been indicted for lying to federal authorities about McClain stealing her identity to access her bank account while aboard the International Space Station, a claim that would have been the first known case of a crime committed in space had it been true. What do you …Read more...

NEW YORK—Stressing that they would not allow a minor bump in the road to prevent them from delivering true change, the nation’s undaunted Bernie Sanders supporters announced Wednesday that they would continue his 2020 presidential campaign without the candidate. “Time and again, the mainstream media has predicted the…Read more...

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday, April 13, for all-new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!

Citing disagreements with the board of directors, Sergio Rivera resigned this week just five months into his tenure as SeaWorld CEO and days after the company furloughed 90% of its employees due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a very serious and damning new report published Wednesday, a government watchdog group has found that, as early as January, White House officials failed to heed repeated warnings of impending doom that arrived via four skeletal horsemen galloping through the sky. “On Jan. 3, the Trump administration…Read more...

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Over 6 million Americans filed for unemployment benefits last week, and the last three weeks have seen the largest rise in unemployment claims in U.S. history, with many people now embroiled for the first time in an often confusing process. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to how unemployment benefits work.Read more...

CAPE CANAVERAL—Calling it the first purely revenge-based mission to ever be attempted on the red planet, NASA officials announced Wednesday the successful launch of the Vengeance Rover to pay back Mars for killing Opportunity back in 2018. “This is a historic launch that will bring our administration closer to the…Read more...

MILWAUKEE, WI—Downplaying requests to check his vital signs as “totally unnecessary,” primary care physician William Kinlaw recommended Wednesday that a coughing, feverish black patient “just go home and sleep it off.” “We’re dealing with a flood of people who have actual problems, so you shouldn’t come in unless it’s…Read more...

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Ugh! Good luck erasing this table corner from our memory.Read more...

Lady Gaga announced that she is curating the “One World: Together At Home” benefit concert that will air simultaneously on ABC, NBC, and CBS on April 18 and feature musical artists including Elton John, Paul McCartney, Lizzo, and Billie Eilish among others. What do you think?Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Having run out of every other possible way to kill time, local couple Mark Lippeatt and Darcy Hatfield began the process of ranking all the lamps in their apartment, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Okay, so the living room floor lamp scores major points for overall brightness, but I’m still going with the…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Screaming about how great the drug works while beating on his chest, Donald Trump reportedly overturned a presidential limousine Tuesday while touting the effectiveness of PCP in treating coronavirus. “Don’t listen to all the bulllshit—this stuff right here will make you fucking invincible against Covid!”…Read more...

The insurance company Allstate announced its customers would receive a 15% payback on their monthly premiums for April and May, citing a nationwide reduction in driving as Americans sheltered in place. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Enjoying a significant uptick in viewers following recent viral appearances on his television show by New York governor and brother Andrew, ratings-hungry CNN analyst Chris Cuomo devoted an entire program Tuesday to interviewing the remaining 23 brothers in the Cuomo family. “This segment is called ‘Cuomo on…Read more...

Well, PS Plus subscribers, it turns out we have some potentially good news. As many gamers remain shut-in during the COVID-19 pandemic, Sony just announced its lineup for April, and it turns out people using their subscription service will be given the chance to download the 2004 romantic comedy Spanglish for free for…Read more...

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Wisconsin is holding its presidential primary today, despite calls from local Democrats and voting rights groups who fear moving forward with the election during the Covid-19 pandemic will put voters in danger and greatly reduce turnout. What do you think?Read more...

Host Leslie Price is on vacation this week, but be sure to join him when he returns on Monday April 13th for all new episodes of The Topical every weekday morning!Read more...

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STANFORD, CA—Cackling maniacally as they encouraged Americans to begin engaging in radical acts of self-care, crazed, quarantined mental health experts at Stanford University recommended scrawling the words “everything will be okay” in feces on the wall, sources confirmed Monday. “It may sound simple—hahahaha—but one…Read more...

BALTIMORE—Saying the probable linguistic accomplishment could very well constitute a scientific breakthrough, behavioral herpetologists at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that they have most likely successfully taught sign language to snakes. “Uh, yeah, after 20 years of hard work and nearly $250 million in…Read more...

In a reversal from previous guidelines, the CDC is now urging all Americans to make masks from household fabrics like tea towels or cotton T-shirts and wear them when out in public to prevent asymptomatic individuals from spreading the disease. What do you think?Read more...

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Quite often people omit the letter C in the everyday noun “truck.”