The Onion

DETROIT—Feeling listless and irritable after weeks of dull routine and attempts to keep itself occupied, the immune system of self-quarantined local man Gary Dutton was bored too, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll eventually go crazy if I keep puttering around like this with nothing to do but fight off the same old…Read more...

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A survey released by IBM found that 75% of people polled would like the option to work from home occasionally once coronavirus restrictions are lifted and 54% would prefer to work from home the majority of the time. What do you think?Read more...

Aw! Look at this little guy! Doesn’t he remind you of Babe? Our finance director’s name is Rick Cerveres. If you click to the next slide, we will cut off his index finger.Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—In an effort to prepare for a coming age in which supplies have grown scarce and hunger runs rampant, a pizza was reportedly placed in frozen slumber Tuesday and will remain there until such time as the world has great need of it. “You are a time-traveler, venturing forth on a mission of utmost…Read more...

SEATTLE—While watching a dharma talk recorded at the Ancient Mountain Zen Center, local 32-year-old Mark Davis told reporters Tuesday that he felt like he pretty much got the gist of enlightenment after the first few minutes of hearing a Zen monk speak. “Yeah, yeah, you let go of attachments, dissolve your ego, and…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans were reportedly sucked into the vacuum of outer space Tuesday after the country’s airlock accidentally opened above NASA’s headquarters in what the agency is calling a significant technical error. “Earlier this morning, a computational malfunction opened the NASA Earth Airlock above…Read more...

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Scientists confirmed that Asian giant hornets, which are known to decapitate entire hives of honeybees and have a venomous sting that can kill humans if stung multiple times, have been discovered in Washington state for the first time. What do you think?Read more...

Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.Read more...

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MINSK, BELARUS—Joyously toasting to the decision to continue play through the coronavirus pandemic, executives from the Belarusian Premier League popped champagne on their new mega yacht Monday to celebrate the league’s sudden spike in popularity that will surely last forever. “It’s clear that we’re the most beloved…Read more...

OLATHE, KS—Expressing disbelief that he had gone almost 40 years without noticing the symbol that was hiding in plain sight, local man Brett Presley told reporters Monday that after a friend pointed it out, he could not unsee that the McDonald’s logo is secretly a big letter M. “When Brian first told me that those big…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “reckless” and “irresponsible” behavior, President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response. “China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January, and yet they did nothing to…Read more...

YouTube has deleted English conspiracy theorist David Icke’s account for violating their terms of service after Icke posted videos claiming 5G spreads coronavirus, a theory that has since incited dozens of arson attacks on cell towers. What do you think?Read more...

BROOKLYN—Expressing disbelief about his peer’s paucity of cinematic knowledge, area toddler Aiden McInnes was reportedly surprised Monday to discover that his friend Liam Kellerman had never seen the Pixar film Cars 3. “Wow you’re really missing out on one of the all-time classic films when it comes to cars driving…Read more...

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Well, we can all breathe a little easier today. After months of speculation over their next-generation console, Microsoft has finally confirmed what we were all hoping for: The Xbox Series X will play video games.Read more...

Being easily swayed by 1980s nostalgia is a sign of weakness. It is a sign that you lack basic maternal instincts and are incapable of raising your young.Read more...

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It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work.Read more...

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Dermatologists say red, swollen toes that appear frostbitten may be a sign of coronavirus, adding that it is not unusual for viruses to cause rashes but the fact the lesions only appear on the feet make this symptom unique to the disease. What do you think?Read more...

Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, originally a member of the Republican Party before changing his affiliation to independent last year, announced that he is running for president as a Libertarian. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing confusion over players’ work ethic, NCAA president Mark Emmert wondered Friday why financially struggling student athletes didn’t just exploit the labor of others. “We understand students may often feel financial pressure, but they did not need to ask us for money when they could simply go out and…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Following more than a month of halfhearted adherence to guidelines put in place to combat Covid-19, local man Luke Bradley confirmed Friday that he was unsure if he could take another six weeks of barely adopting practices recommended by the Centers for Disease Control. “I honestly don’t know how much longer…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide, Joe Biden responded after weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters, “My advisors told me to say they aren’t true.” “I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly…Read more...

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Exciting news, battle royale fans! As any diehard gamer already knows, Fortnite hosted a virtual Travis Scott concert last week that attracted 12.3 million simultaneous players for a mind-melting psychedelic spectacle. Well, as a follow-up to that event’s unprecedented success, Epic Games just announced that…Read more...

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HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Acknowledging that it certainly wasn’t a good thing but there were more pressing matters, Americans across the country reacted with indifference Friday following reports of the first case of Covid-19 spreading to a pet ferret. “Huh, how about that,” said Sandra Goetz, 34, echoing the sentiments…Read more...

Research suggests the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic likely won’t subside for months, if not longer, and experts have warned that human relationships could be forever affected by prolonged isolation, as well as efforts to prevent future recurrences. The Onion looks at how coronavirus will change human…Read more...

The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.Read more...

Paleontologists say the anatomy of a newly discovered tail fossil proves that Spinosaurus, a carnivore that lived during the Cretaceous Period, could swim through the water much like a crocodile, making it the first-known swimming dinosaur. What do you think?Read more...

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NEWCASTLE, WA—Expressing nostalgia for the routines of his life before stay-at-home orders began, local man Bryan Miller told reporters Thursday he had lost any sense of how much time had passed since he last danced through his community’s central square trailed by a rollicking chorus of friendly townspeople. “Was it…Read more...

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying they weren’t exactly thrilled that the universe paired them together with an unbreakable cosmic link, siblings Jessica and Grant Karlsson told reporters Thursday that, like everyone else, they didn’t like that they were soulmates either. “Look, if I could fall in love with anyone else on the…Read more...

DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been…Read more...

ATLANTA—Mocking the media’s glorification of a player who faced a supposedly soft, talent-deluded league, former NBA star Charles Barkley claimed Thursday that Michael Jordan would have been nothing special if he had played in Barkley’s era. “Look, I know Jordan was good, but guys in my day were just much tougher. He…Read more...

MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence, witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans, Mr. Moneybags himself, owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine. “He must think he’s a Rockefeller, buying a…Read more...

DULUTH, MN—Noting the palpable effort being exerted by the online resource, sources confirmed Thursday that children’s educational website Science4Kidz.com was clearly struggling to come up with 10 facts pertaining to slugs. “They started out pretty strong with, ‘Slugs have thousands of tiny teeth,’ but there was a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Urging supporters to help out and chip in as much as they can, the Joe Biden presidential campaign sent a fundraising email Thursday reminding donors that sexual assault allegations don’t bury themselves. “Now, more than ever, the Biden campaign needs your support in sweeping this under the rug,” read the…Read more...

Despite the hospital’s mandatory mask policy, Vice President Mike Pence declined to cover his face while visiting with Mayo Clinic staff and patients this week, saying he is tested regularly and does not have coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

For many Nintendo fans, The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming. Whether it’s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match. That’s why a recent discussion…Read more...

Kate Feinstein: This is one scorching-hot photo of Kate.Read more...

When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.Read more...

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