The Onion

SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Emphasizing the importance of staying cool and hydrated during the record-breaking temperatures, the National Weather Service stressed Thursday that those in the path of the upcoming heat wave should crawl towards the sparkling, cold spring shimmering at the edge of their vision. “Should you, in a…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an astonishing finding that sheds light on the character of the president, a shocking new video of Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump reportedly shows entirely still pictures leaping to life and moving of their own accord. “It’s alarming, to say the least, to see individual pictures—fully inert ones, mind…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Following a hearing in which he was sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years, local convict Joaquín Guzmán, known to friends and family as El Chapo, told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t believe he was being jailed for drug offenses given how many real criminals are out there. “There are actual bad guys…Read more...

Responding to criticism that the series glorified self-harm, Netflix has recut a controversial suicide scene from the season finale of 13 Reasons Why to remove graphic elements. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Following the U.S. Justice Department’s decision not to bring federal charges against him, NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo reportedly vowed Wednesday to get revenge on Eric Garner for trying to frame him for murder. “That son of a bitch tried to ruin my reputation and get me thrown in prison for nothing, but now…Read more...

CHICAGO—Daring you—yes, you, who thinks they’re so smart—to show us how you’d fare in the world of rigorous long-form journalism, a short brief published by The Onion Wednesday encouraged you, dear reader, to go ahead and tell us the goddamn news for a change. “Hey, Captain Informed Citizen, if this is so easy, then…Read more...

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Computer physicist Alan Turing, one of the most notable codebreakers of World War II, will be honored on Britain’s fifty-pound note more than 60 years after he was forced to undergo chemical castration under Britain’s laws against homosexuality. What do you think?Read more...

PRESCOTT, AZ—Noting that it had been weeks since they lent the boy out, homeowner Thomas Simmons publicly stated his annoyance Wednesday that his neighbors failed to return the son they borrowed to do some work around their house. “I’m sure the time just got away from the Millers, or maybe they kept finding more for…Read more...

As the global population increases, the agriculture industry will have to increase food production to meet their needs, but climate change and other factors create the need for more forward-thinking strategies. The Onion takes a look at what the future of farming looks like.Read more...

RICHMOND, VA—Acknowledging the change was long overdue, officials in Virginia announced Wednesday they plan to remove all Confederate ghosts from the grounds and interior of the state capitol building. “After listening to impassioned arguments on both sides of the issue, we feel the time has come to exorcise these…Read more...

When the Resident Evil 2 remake debuted in January to wide acclaim, one thing fans loved the most was the immersive world of Raccoon City newly-updated for 2019 tastes. But one previously undisclosed reason for the game’s engrossing atmosphere was just confirmed this morning when Baldwin Hardware revealed that every…Read more...

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A group of four minority congresswomen have pushed back after Trump told them to “go back to their country,” accusing him of racism and stoking white nationalism. What do you think?Read more...

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PHOENIX—Demanding federal officials step up and improve their work environment, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents released a statement Tuesday, complaining of brutal conditions in which they are made to stand outside immigrant homes for prolonged stretches of time. “We’re on our feet for two, sometimes…Read more...

BOSTON—Billing the evening as a unique opportunity to get up close and personal with occupants of the thousand-bed facility, Boston General Hospital held its first-ever Night Among the Patients Saturday, a gathering that reportedly featured cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, and live music.Read more...

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Violence and bloodshed have long been a part of gaming, but it seems that as the years pass, video games are only getting more and more violent. Rather than emphasize creative problem solving, the gaming industry is increasingly emphasizing that the only way to deal with a problem is through violence. But it doesn’t…Read more...

WOODS HOLE, MA—Illuminating the panicked and desperate final hours of the passengers aboard the doomed ocean liner, forensic divers from the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution found new evidence Tuesday indicating that the Titanic’s passengers continued eating from the main deck’s buffet as the ship sank into the…Read more...

In a milestone for the nation’s energy sector, U.S. renewables topped coal for the first time ever in April, suggesting a pattern of green energy that will likely sustain itself in the coming years. What do you think?Read more...

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SHAKOPEE, MN—Bursting through a set of doors only to discover yet another windowless stockroom stretching out ahead of them, Amazon workers attempting a walkout Monday entered the seventh hour of wandering an ever-expanding, labyrinthian warehouse. “The strike was supposed to start at 9 a.m., but when we attempted to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Frantically searching through the latest lightning deals and price slashes while sitting in his darkened room, Amazon customer Franklin Harris was reportedly forced to piss in a bottle Monday in order to keep up with Prime Day deals. “Christ, I’ve been busting my ass scrolling through deals for 12 hours…Read more...

A new study found the HPV vaccine has outperformed the expectations of doctors due to its ability to prevent the HPV-related illnesses, even in those without vaccination, raising hopes of eliminating cervical cancer entirely. What do you think?Read more...

There are tons of interesting facts about legendary actor and comedian Robin Williams, but this isn’t where you’re going to find them. We know these seven facts about Robin Williams are utter dogshit, and we do apologize. We’ll try better next time.Read more...

DENVER—In an unconscious effort to channel his panic into a more conducive outlet, local man Erik Johnson had reportedly sublimated his existential terror about the United States’ continued descent into authoritarianism Monday by launching a campaign to get a journalist fired for an insensitive tweet. “This type of…Read more...

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MIAMI—As you gaze incredulously down at the body on the floor and the horror of what you just did begins to dawn on you, eyewitnesses at the scene confirmed Monday that oh my God, you—you killed her! “Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! She’s dead!” stunned bystanders could be heard exclaiming over the sudden wail of the…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Officially safeguarding the area’s secluded hot tubs, three-way friendly bungalows, and unlit beaches where troublesome friends can be quietly disposed of, the Department of Interior set aside a 300-mile stretch of Florida coastline as a National Wild Things Preserve, the agency reported Friday. “With their…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an attempt to strike a deal that would allow him to stay out of jail while he awaits trial, alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein offered the U.S. Attorney’s Office in Manhattan a prospective bail package Friday that included a child pornography collection valued at $32 million. “In exchange for…Read more...

It’s a dangerous world out there, but one intrepid educator is going around the country to make sure our nation’s youth enter that world prepared: This man with a top hat and twisty mustache is visiting schools to warn students about the dangers of piloting hot air balloons while under the influence of Dr. Fixit’s…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In their latest effort to educate and prepare the public for crossing the path of the ubiquitous rodents, the U. S. National Park Service released a detailed guide Friday advising visitors on what they should do if they encounter a squirrel. “We’ve published a step-by-step guide urging guests to remain…Read more...

For a new author, getting a blurb on the cover of your debut novel from an established and well-respected writer can be an incredible honor that rockets your book to the top of the bestseller list. Unfortunately, it looks like one highly acclaimed author has used his invitation to write a book blurb for completely…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Calling much-needed attention to the issue, a study released this week by Harvard University researchers found that almost no American health insurance plans provide coverage for sending a sickly child off to convalesce in the countryside. “Though it is generally agreed that many childhood ailments are…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to prepare officers for upcoming nationwide raids on undocumented immigrants, ICE officials announced Thursday that they would be sending agents home with sacks of flour to practice detaining real babies. “Providing each immigration agent with a 5-pound bag of flour to take home will give them…Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying claims against the billionaire hedge fund manager were a calculated hit job, Jeffrey Epstein’s defense team declared Thursday that those who have accused him of sexually assaulting underage girls are merely seeking to tarnish the career of a talented child molester. “My client is one of the greatest…Read more...

When you strike it big as a children’s author, your life changes dramatically. The money starts pouring in, and then there are the awards, the fans, the TV deals. For a few years there, I was the hottest thing in the business. It was a dizzying high, and you better believe I took advantage of all the perks the…Read more...

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After decades of top-tier entertainment and nonstop laughs, it’s time to say goodbye to an incredible titan of showbiz: Steve Harvey has rocketed through the roof of his studio in shock after a guest told him she doesn’t make her kids do chores.Read more...

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ANN ARBOR, MI—Calling the incident a tipping point in the argument for reform, legal experts told reporters Wednesday that current uproar over the Jeffrey Epstein sex-trafficking scandal may lead to legislators outlawing pedophilia. “We’re seeing a lot of public pressure right now for Congress to finally act on an…Read more...

GLENDALE, AZ—Responding to leaked video footage of the drunk simian shoving a dancer and throwing a bottle of Dom Pérignon at a fellow patron, authorities confirmed Wednesday that the Phoenix Suns Gorilla was involved in a late-night altercation at the Essex Gentlemen’s Club. “He was pretty belligerent all night. At…Read more...

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STOCKHOLM—Touting the plan as “extremely cost-effective and easily sustainable through the foreseeable future,” Swedish prime minister Stefan Löfven announced a new initiative Wednesday to source 100% of the country’s energy from an unguarded wall outlet in Finland by the year 2030. “We’ve already been working…Read more...

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ST. LOUIS, MO—Assuring her that the simple procedure would be over before she knew it, area gynecologist Dr. Therese Geiss promised patient Dana Juarez Wednesday that while receiving her new intrauterine device she would feel nothing more than a quick pinch before finding herself sprawled on the floor unconscious.…Read more...