The Onion

NEW YORK—In an effort to cope with the stressful task of fetching coffee for demanding staffers, Fox News intern Hattie Butler reportedly told herself Friday that this would all pay off when she was named President Trump’s secretary of state one day. “It’s really tough to keep everyone’s drink orders straight, but the…Read more...

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CAPITOLA, CA—Claiming that the footwear in question would go nicely with a lot of things in your wardrobe, your mother sent you a blurry and indistinct photo of her home computer screen Friday ostensibly displaying a pair of boots you might like. “I was looking at the internet and thought of you when I saw these on…Read more...

One of the most anticipated releases of 2018, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate is a fun, but undeniably compromised gaming experience. Ultimate pulls out all the stops to give fans the biggest, most finely tuned Smash Bros. experience to date. It’s a tight, balanced, action-packed brawler filled out with over 70 of your…Read more...

JANESVILLE, WI—Claiming that one would need a degree from Harvard just to find the front desk, Illinois father of three Tom Rutledge confirmed Friday that the Holiday Inn Express in Janesville, WI was a goddamn maze. “I don’t get why they designed it like this,” said 52-year-old Rutledge of the four-story, mid-priced…Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Concerned that the newest chapter of the franchise would underwhelm viewers with a senseless, inane plot and shallow two-dimensional characters, moviegoer Marc Davis expressed worries Friday that sixth Transformers movie The Last Knight might just be stupid. “I’m a little anxious that this sixth movie is…Read more...

I get it. I’m not much of a looker. I know I’m not ugly or anything, but I have enough humility to recognize there are women out there who, by any conventional standard, are far more attractive than I am. There’s a lot more to a person than looks, though, and as it happens, I have a lot more to offer. In fact, I have…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to improve riding conditions for the city’s long-neglected bikers, Los Angeles officials announced Friday a $10 million plan to add lanes for cyclists to recover from getting hit by cars. “L.A. has fallen short of bike-friendly places like Portland and Philadelphia for years, which is why the…Read more...

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Tumblr, the social blogging platform, will ban all X-rated content and most nudity in an effort to create a “better, more positive” environment. What do you think?Read more...

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Speaking at the UN climate conference in Poland, Sir David Attenborough told world leaders that humanity will collapse without immediate action on climate change. What do you think?Read more...

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After losing several key races in the states, defeated Republican lawmakers in Wisconsin and Michigan are taking legislative action to weaken the positions of governor and attorney general before Democrats assume office. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK CITY—Touting the colorless, nearly undetectable gel as the ideal beauty product for those who are perfectly comfortable with their coloration and facial features, Revlon released a new functionless translucent gel Thursday specifically formulated for women who do not wear makeup. “Revlon’s new PhantoGel is…Read more...

PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save…Read more...

NEW YORK—Reminding investors that 800-point swings are completely normal, financial experts confirmed Thursday that the stock market constantly plunging before climbing to record highs was the leading indicator of a healthy economy. “A highly volatile market that reaches a record high one day before suddenly wiping…Read more...

NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had…Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Claiming the finding could shed new light on the diversity of amphibian life, scientists from Ohio University announced Thursday that they had discovered a new species of frog that had evolved the ability to spontaneously grow a top hat and cane. “While in many ways resembling a common bullfrog, Lithobates…Read more...

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ARMONK, NY—Describing the department as “an inefficient relic of the past the company has outgrown,” IBM announced the closure of its Jew-tracking division Thursday, citing decades of declining revenue. “While the division was a model of demographic research and data harvesting in the 1930s when it represented a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Saying it deeply regretted the error, financial services giant Wells Fargo confirmed Wednesday that a computer glitch had resulted in the lender accidentally foreclosing on all 5,700 of its retail banking branches in the United States. “We apologize to anyone who might have been affected by this simple…Read more...

Prosecutors for Special Counsel Robert Mueller will file several new documents this week about some of the most important players in the Russia probe, including former national security adviser Michael Flynn, former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, and former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen. What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND, OH—Relying completely on the acclaimed poet’s platitudes on life, love, and loss, anxiety-ridden wedding participant Kelsey Guzman based the majority of her maid of honor speech this week on random Maya Angelou quotes strung together on extremely thin pretenses. “I thought Kels would be okay when she opened…Read more...

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WALTHAM, MA—Saying he was sick and tired of getting shortchanged by the defense contractor, Raytheon employee Dennis McCormick confirmed Wednesday that he was going to be pissed if his holiday bonus this year turned out to be a missile again. “Those cheap bastards had better pony up some actual cash instead of just…Read more...

On Dec. 9, 1968, engineer Douglas Engelbart introduced the computer mouse at a product demo, bringing one of the essential elements of the personal computer to the public. The Onion looks back at the development of the computer mouse on its 50-year anniversary.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Dismissing it as nothing more than “a bunch of legal-ese” giving him free rein to make her life hell, film producer Richard Chapman reportedly assured an up-and-coming actress Wednesday that her non-disclosure agreement was pretty standard for permitting men like him to abuse their power. “You can read it…Read more...

Leaders from around the world will meet for the next two weeks to discuss how to decrease greenhouse gas emissions and monitor nations’ fidelity to the Paris agreement amidst escalating evidence that humanity isn’t doing enough to counter climate change. What do you think?Read more...

YUMA, AZ—Uploading almost a gigabyte of image files to her various social media accounts, nursing assistant Katherine Rohrbach, 26, took the precaution of posting several of her favorite photos of herself online Tuesday just in case she dies in a mass shooting. “Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while…Read more...

A study published in the scientific journal Icarus argues that Pluto never should have downgraded due to its undersized orbit, suggesting that this criterion for a planet is obsolete. What do you think?Read more...

ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated publicly Tuesday that a surprise birthday party organized by her boyfriend, Kevin Collins, displayed a less-than-minimal familiarity with her social circle. “I frankly haven’t spoken to some of these…Read more...

MEDFORD, MA—Explaining that there were many simple things they could do to tackle one of the most urgent crises facing planet Earth, researchers from Tufts University published Tuesday a list of ways that animals could help fight climate change. “Whether you’re a beaver, elk, or trout, it’s important for everyone to…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Following several months of scrutiny and pressure from animal rights groups, glasses manufacturer Warby Parker issued an official apology Tuesday, expressing regret for years of testing trademark eyewear fashions on animals before introducing the styles to customers. “Though we no longer engage in the…Read more...

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Department of Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar proposed rules requiring all drugmakers to disclose the price of drugs that cost more than $35 in their television ads. What do you think?Read more...

In a meeting at G20, China and the U.S. announced a 90-day window to pause their trade war and potentially bring an end to the bruising tariff fight. What do you think?Read more...

DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment at the evident lack of concern for their failed relationship, divorced parents Tim Foster and Eva Ferguson admitted Thursday to being “a little hurt” that the recently completed Christmas list submitted by their daughter Kayla, 8, included no heartfelt but ultimately unrealistic…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—In what was interpreted as a final attempt to foster scientific curiosity in high school juniors, James A. Garfield Memorial High School chemistry teacher Gary Holbrook encouraged his students Monday to fuck around with Bunsen burners in a last-ditch effort to prove that science is cool. “As you can see…Read more...

PARIS—With angry residents claiming that the recent tax hikes on fuel were negatively impacting their way of life, violence reportedly erupted across France over the weekend as citizens protested the high cost of refilling crème brûlée torches. “If that miser [President Emmanuel] Macron does not decrease these cruel…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Emphasizing that his thoughts were always and only for his fellow motorists, local parallel parker Ed Billings admitted Monday that he strives to leave just enough room between the cars ahead of or behind his own so that other drivers are eventually infuriated into simply giving up after a few…Read more...

NEW YORK—Shrugging their shoulders and tilting their heads to the side, a group of defeated-looking experts from top American universities released a joint report Monday recommending you just put up with everyone else because there’s nothing you can really do about them. “According to our research, the people around…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He almost couldn’t bear to look at those old speeches from his Nazareth days, the Lord Jesus Christ told reporters Monday that He was super embarrassed about all that stupid shit He said 2,000 years ago. “Man, I was into some really weird religious mumbo-jumbo back then; all those…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing optimism and excitement for what her romantic future might hold, local woman Fiona Dixon reportedly wondered Monday if the man she just went on a date with might finally be the one she’ll sleep with for a few weeks before losing interest. “I know we just met, but I’m feeling such a strong connection…Read more...

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The FDA gave makers of popular vaping devices 60 days to prove they can keep them away from minors or face them being taken off the market, saying their use has reached an “epidemic” level. What do you think?Read more...