The Onion

NEW ORLEANS—Claiming it would be an honor to follow in the footsteps of players like Chris Paul and Anthony Davis, Zion Williamson told reporters Tuesday that he’s excited to play for a team with a proven history of frittering away generational talents. “It will honestly be surreal to step on a court where such great…Read more...

The U.S. will soon be introduced to ruby chocolate, a slightly sour and sweet-flavored variation made from a special form of the cocoa berry found in the Ivory Coast and Brazil, thus giving the world’s largest chocolate market its first new chocolate type in 80 years. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Maintaining that the jewelry was absolutely essential in communicating trust and commitment to your partner, matrimony experts confirmed Tuesday that an adequate engagement ring should cost at least three diamond miners’ lives. “This tradition is still with us for good reason: A diamond is tangible proof that…Read more...

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In a first for U.S. cities, San Francisco banned all local agencies, such as law enforcement and transit authorities, from using facial recognition technology. What do you think?Read more...

BELFAST, NORTHERN IRELAND—Shedding light on the difficult process of believably portraying the Game Of Thrones villain the Night King, actor Vladimir Furdik opened up to reporters Monday about the creative challenge of playing a character with absolutely no purpose whatsoever. “The Night King was a very demanding role…Read more...

NEW YORK—Frustrated that two years of rigorous study have failed to yield any insight, relationship experts at Columbia University conceded Monday they have made no progress in determining what, exactly, Scarlett Johansson sees in her fiancé, Saturday Night Live star Colin Jost. “We’ve ruled out the possibility Ms.…Read more...

WAUKESHA, WI—In what witnesses are calling “nothing short of a miracle,” mother Anne Packer’s protective maternal survival instincts evidently prompted an explosive adrenaline release Friday when the mother lifted a heavy child from her car. “Once that woman realized how deep her kid was stuck in there, something…Read more...

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CHICAGO—His day blessed with a fresh new atmosphere of positivity and hope, former aspiring illustrator and current systems analyst Bryan Marsh, 29, walked with an extra spring in his step Monday after receiving the news that one of his classmates had moved back home and stopped pursuing her dreams. “Oh boy, oh boy!…Read more...

Sony made waves last month when chief architect Mike Cerny gave a first look at the specs for the next-gen successor to the PlayStation 4, making them the first to throw their hat in the ring for the next round of console wars. But all that excitement just fell by the wayside because today, in a major blow to Sony’s…Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Citing political turmoil across the globe and the grim realities of life on a planet facing a climate crisis, jaded local woman Kristen Sloane told reporters Monday that she knows better than to try to bring a tomato plant into a world like this one. “You take a look around yourself, see the way things…Read more...

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QUINCY, MA—Confirming that they have no intention of modifying the traditional uniform of their profession at any point in the foreseeable future, mathematics professors from across the country joined their voices Monday to reaffirm their commitment to wearing chinos with running shoes. “We believe that this singular…Read more...

The College Board announced it would take into account 15 factors that evaluate family income, social environments, and educational disparities in order to calculate an “adversity score” for SAT test takers to send to college admissions departments. What do you think?Read more...

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Jay Inslee, the governor of Washington and a 2020 Democratic presidential candidate, rolled out the second plank of his climate change plan, pledging to achieve carbon neutrality by 2045 and add 8 million jobs to the U.S. economy. What do you think?Read more...

There were more than 48 billion robocalls across the country in 2018, a nearly 50% increase from the previous year, continuing a frustrating practice that’s endured for decades. The Onion looks back at the history of robocalls.Read more...

NEW YORK—Cleaning house after a dispute over the direction the team has taken this offseason, New York Jets head coach and interim general manager Adam Gase announced plans Friday to play all 22 positions on the field next season after pushing out the entire roster. “Coach Gase felt that the franchise needed a fresh…Read more...

MORRISTOWN, AZ—Pouring into the streets to celebrate the passing of the viral internet sensation, the entire world populace let out a cheer upon learning Grumpy Cat and her shitty attitude had finally died and would stay dead forever, sources confirmed Friday. “Thank God we don’t have to deal with that asshole cat and…Read more...

Author Michael Wolff has finished another document of the current White House administration titled Siege: Trump Under Fire, promising an equally “essential and explosive” account as its predecessor, Fire And Fury. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying their once-beloved viewers have lost much of their luster in recent years, Game Of Thrones showrunners D.B. Weiss and David Benioff acknowledged Friday they have been frustrated with the way fans of the HBO series have declined in quality over the past few seasons. “During the show’s first couple of…Read more...

NIMRUD, IRAQ—Popping open a bottle of champagne and dancing with a mummified corpse in celebration, Smithsonian Institution archeologist Dr. Kathleen Roberts confessed she was “excited as all hell” Thursday after “hitting the mass grave jackpot” in northern Iraq. “Booyah! I mean, seriously, fuck yeah—we’re rolling in…Read more...

Arizona Governor Doug Ducey signed a bill this week removing nunchucks from a list of prohibited weapons that includes bombs, gun silencers, and automatic firearms, saying they pose less of a threat than a baseball bat. What do you think?Read more...

VALENCIA, CA—Solemnly braving the 230-foot heights of the steel roller coaster while carrying bouquets of flowers, framed photographs, and personal letters, friends of recently deceased Jeff Brinkley placed a memorial at the exact spot on the Six Flags Viper ride Thursday where their companion met his untimely and…Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Saying he wanted to thank the four-time NBA MVP for encouraging him to put his dangerous party days behind him, famed Looney Tunes star Bugs Bunny described Thursday how his friend LeBron James helped him get sober for their appearance together in the forthcoming Space Jam sequel.Read more...

The Alabama Senate approved a law effectively banning abortions without exception, setting up a fight that could decide the fate of Roe v. Wade. What do you think?Read more...

Fans have been eagerly looking forward to yesterday’s Nintendo Direct, and it was worth the wait. During the online presentation, Nintendo announced the beauty of a rose, the delicate splendor of each crimson petal, the poetry of its elegant stem.Read more...

WASHINGTON—Confirming recent reports of conditions approaching crisis levels, sources across the globe revealed Thursday that the situation continues to worsen in Venezuela, Bolivia, the United States, Japan, Mexico, Iraq, and Spain, in addition to South Sudan, India, Gabon, Indonesia, Vietnam, and Saudi Arabia. “What…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Quickening her pace as the vehicle flashed its brights, Alabama woman Alison Kyles, 29, reportedly hurried towards home Thursday after spotting a pickup truck full of Alabama lawmakers slowly following her. “At first, I thought I was just being paranoid when I saw that old Chevy full of state…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to address the growing controversy surrounding widespread non-medical use of their products, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer released a statement Thursday categorically denying that packaging fentanyl with cooking spoons and lighters should be interpreted as an encouragement of drug abuse. “This…Read more...

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NEW YORK—In a press release heralding the latest addition to its masthead, The New York Times announced Thursday it had rehired Judith Miller to cover the Trump administration’s escalating tensions with Iran. “The experience Ms. Miller brings to bear is unmatched, and we’re confident and excited to welcome her back to…Read more...

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Internet researchers found that community-edited encyclopedia Wikipedia has been blocked in China, joining thousands of other websites that have been censored by the country’s Communist Party. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Hoping to ease the team into a new period of transition, Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo took a moment Wednesday to introduce his players to their new stepmanager. “Everyone, this is Dale. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of him from now on, and I want you make him feel nice and…Read more...

Bandai America announced a revamped version of the Tamagotchi, updating the ’90s toy to give the electronic creatures the ability to breed and marry one another through a wireless connection. What do you think?Read more...

Many travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its food. For me, the best part of a trip abroad is the folks you meet along the way. Whether it’s the impressionable backpacker willing to follow you into the dense jungles of Cambodia or the elderly tourist…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying her concerns that the additional obstacles presented by parenthood would be too much to bear, 12-year-old abuse survivor Abigail Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that she wouldn’t be able to handle being a mom on top of everything else she had going on. “I have several book reports and a…Read more...

Weighted blankets have skyrocketed in popularity, with enthusiastic users touting their health benefits, but they may not be right for everyone. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a weighted blanket.Read more...

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Anthem fans, take notice: Electronic Arts just announced they’re rolling out a new revenue model for the game that involves deleting everyone’s characters unless they send the company $300 in the next hour.Read more...

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Wall Street suffered one of its worst days of 2019 after China raised tariffs on $60 billion worth of U.S. goods after President Trump followed through on threats to do so on $200 billion worth of Chinese goods. What do you think?Read more...

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