by The Onion on (#51BY2)
It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.Read more...
The Onion
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| Updated | 2026-07-11 14:18 |
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#51BY3)
RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not…Read more...
by The Onion on (#51BY4)
Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost their jobs. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#51BY5)
Cleopatra: A highly influential Egyptian leader who helped spread bangs throughout the Ptolemaic dynasty.
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#51BMP)
CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing…Read more...
by The Onion on (#51BMQ)
WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic. “Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next…Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#51BMR)
Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19. But luckily, OGN is here to give you a taste of what you’re missing. That’s right, readers! If you’re pining away for the E3 experience, then feast your eyes on this pixel-perfect…Read more...
by The Onion on (#51B9H)
All you’re likely thinking about right now is how this bifold wallet is taunting you. It’s not. You’re a psychotic individual.Read more...
by The Onion on (#51A63)
A large-scale study of over 100 species of mammals including orcas, reindeer, squirrels, and lions found that females live an average of 18.6% longer than their male counterparts, which may be tied to both genetic and environmental factors. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#51A64)
It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#51A65)
JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long. “Though things around us may…Read more...
by The Onion on (#51A66)
The USNS Mercy and the USNS Comfort, each equipped with 12 operating rooms, 1,000 beds, and hundreds of medical professionals will deploy to America’s two biggest cities to treat patients so that local hospitals can focus on fighting the coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#519WF)
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by The Onion on (#519WG)
As the nation grinds to a standstill amidst the Covid-19 outbreaks, even its most trafficked areas stand abandoned in a testament to the changing face of American life. Here The Onion’s photojournalism bureau captures the haunting spaces left empty around the country after recent shelter-in-place orders.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#519WH)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#519HH)
LONDON—Expressing surprise upon learning the high price of the commonplace procedure, local British man Roger Hiddleston was reportedly astounded Friday to hear how much it would cost to extract a mustard jar from his rectum under the United States healthcare system. “When a mate of mine mentioned that it could cost…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#519HK)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#519HM)
TAMPA BAY—Skeptically looking down at the red jersey laying on the floor beside empty bottles of probiotics, a bleary-eyed Tom Brady woke up from a week-long long kombucha bender Thursday to discover that he signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. “Ugh, the last thing I remember was taking that shot of ginger lemon…Read more...
by The Onion on (#518N7)
The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#518DW)
His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic†and “charming†by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#518DX)
Things are finally looking up for gamers searching for the deal of a lifetime! After weeks of panic and uncertainty, Onion Gamers Network is now confirming that the federal government reached a decision early Wednesday morning to cut you a stimulus check for $1,200 that you can—and should—spend exclusively on 75…Read more...
by The Onion on (#518DY)
As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#518DZ)
EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#5184D)
LONDON—Calling it the “nation’s foremost duty†to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent, the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus. “Starting immediately, all residents are hereby instructed to gather their…Read more...
by The Onion on (#518E0)
The Chinese government announced that in two weeks it will end the mandatory lockdown on the city of Wuhan nearly 80 days after it began, citing a significant slowdown of coronavirus infections in the country. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#5184E)
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by The Onion on (#5184F)
One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#517VK)
Whether it’s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium’s protagonists, we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games. That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most…Read more...
by The Onion on (#517VM)
Watch us bravely shatter stereotypes by running a photo of this full-figured woman. We are a courageous media company and should really be applauded for what we are doing here, because it is groundbreaking.Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#516RX)
Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about …Read more...
by The Onion on (#516RY)
Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#516G2)
The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?Read more...
by The Onion on (#516G3)
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara, a bot that asks users questions about their cold or flu-like symptoms and provides recommendations about whether to seek medical attention. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#5165S)
SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#5165V)
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by The Onion on (#515VF)
Can’t tell Peanut he doesn’t know how to party. Guess how old this lovable mutt just turned in dog years!Read more...
by The Onion on (#51501)
The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.Read more...
by The Onion on (#514QR)
WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#514QS)
CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent…Read more...
by The Onion on (#514QT)
Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#514QV)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#514QW)
BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about…Read more...
by The Onion on (#514E5)
WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#514QX)
As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#514E6)
OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my…Read more...
by The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion on (#514E7)
Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.Read more...