The Onion

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks…Read more...

Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?Read more...

The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.Read more...

ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the…Read more...

Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?Read more...

BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at…Read more...

Read more...

Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more…Read more...

testRead more...

Read more...

ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow…Read more...

It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started…Read more...

Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man…Read more...

Read more...

TULSA, OK—Comforting the worried couple that the common problem would likely work itself out on its own, Hillcrest Hospital ER staff assured parents Dave and Hilary Melford Tuesday that the Burger King Chicken Fries their son swallowed would likely pass naturally through his system. “We get a lot of worried moms and…Read more...

This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?Read more...

The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?Read more...

Read more...

In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you…Read more...

Read more...

CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun. “Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but…Read more...

Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?Read more...

Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic, health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that. “After extensive observation, we are still unable to determine if the passengers…Read more...

In an awards season dominated by discussion of homogeneity among the slate of nominees and the producers’ choice to forgo a host, Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite triumphed over fellow contenders at the 92nd Academy Awards and became the first foreign-language film to ever win Best Picture. What do you think?Read more...

STERLING, CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life, local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn’t already happened. “I’m scared I’m gonna choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later,” said Cross, remaining concerned…Read more...

Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now…Read more...

Read more...

AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago. “It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her brow and shook her…Read more...

Read more...

ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more…Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor Sunday explaining that you’re allowed to be naked sometimes, but not other times. “Sometimes you have no choice but to wear…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday that she wished someone had told her the Academy Awards were supposed to be a formal event. “Ah, geez. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I look like a…Read more...

Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old’s brain, a Parkinson’s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury’s life has at long last fallen into place. “Once he’s happily remarried, saved enough…Read more...

Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.Read more...

Notable Roles: Convincingly portraying a loving partner to Colin Jost

Ponzi-scheme mastermind Bernie Madoff is seeking a compassionate release for his renal failure from a 150-year prison sentence for charges that he stole roughly $20 billion from celebrities, charities, financial funds, and average investors. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...