The Onion

PORTLAND, ME—Moments after pushing his chair out from the table in resignation, local restaurant patron Joe Wright, who had previously thrown a wadded-up napkin into the center of his plate, announced Tuesday that he would come out of retirement for one last stab at his burger. “Although I signaled my retirement just…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying they were committed to objectively chronicling facts, information, and people, the nation’s nonfiction writers announced Monday their plan to keep writing down things that have already happened. “We are dedicated to learning about actual stuff that has taken place in real life and then jotting that…Read more...

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Today, Americans return from a three-day weekend dedicated to honoring the contributions of the labor movement to the United States. What did you do with your weekend?Read more...

Gamers, you’re definitely going to want to check this out: A beluga whale just beached itself on the Quebec shore and its stomach is absolutely packed with dozens of vintage N64 cartridges. We’re talking Goldeneye, Starfox 64, Paper Mario, F-Zero X, all available for free to any gamers willing to head to Hudson Bay…Read more...

CARY, NC—Clumsily slobbering over each other like ham-fisted amateurs, a pair of teenagers sighted making out in the park Monday had absolutely no idea what the hell they were doing, dismayed onlookers confirmed. “From what I can see, they’re just shoving fingers into each other’s half-open mouth while he laboriously…Read more...

SPARROWS POINT, MD—Informed by his manager that he would be let off with a warning this time, unconscious Amazon warehouse employee Anthony Cargill, 41, was reportedly chastised Monday for failing to file a time-off request. “We shouldn’t have to remind you that all warehouse employees are required to inform a…Read more...

NEW YORK—Noting that her name shall be unspoken from this moment until the end of the Earth, History decreed Tuesday that this very instance shall constitute its final mention of seamstress Florence Shadewell (1808-1872) who lived her life in the poorer environs of London, dying childless and unloved, without…Read more...

Looks like this is a rough week for all the Marth mains out there: Nintendo has finally done something about the longstanding complaints that he is too overpowered, but it appears they may have gone too far by giving him fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder that involves frequent musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and…Read more...

Every major phone company in the country has partnered with the 50 states to address illegal robocalls through call-blocking and call-labeling technologies. What do you think?Read more...

Universal Pictures’ recent decision to shelve the film The Hunt in the face of protests from President Trump and others has put the spotlight on media and cultural censorship in America. The Onion takes a look at famous instances of censorship in U.S. History.Read more...

SEATTLE—Following an incident in which the employee was severely injured and rendered unconscious by a 30-foot fall from a ladder, horrified warehouse worker Paul Diaz awoke from heavily medicated sleep Friday to find Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos welding robotic limbs onto the stumps where his arms once were. “Not to worry,…Read more...

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SCHAUMBURG, IL—Noting that the little fucker must be in some seriously deep shit to be booking it like that, local man Albert Chu told reporters Friday that the centipede tearing ass across his floor must be really late for something. “I dunno if he slept through a meeting or if he forgot to pick up his centipede kids…Read more...

In a policy change that will remove an estimated 1.7 million pounds of plastic waste, Marriott International, the world’s largest hotel chain, announced that it plans to eliminate its small plastic shampoo, lotions, and soaps and replace them with larger reusable containers. What do you think?Read more...

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OAKLAND, CA—Stressing that the band had gone downhill since the days they came into existence, hardcore Weezer fan Nathan Staples told reporters Friday that he has hated everything the band released since their formation in 1992. “Yeah, frankly, I think they stopped being good right around the self-titled debut, and…Read more...

Big news, Battlefield fans! After months of speculation, EA made a splash this week when they revealed the next treacherous setting for the long-running franchise. According to an EA spokesperson, Battlefield will finally tackle one of the most brutal wars of all time by taking place in a middle-class family torn…Read more...

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The Taliban and the United States are “close” to a peace agreement in their talks that would see a gradual withdrawal of American forces and set the stage for establishing power-sharing with the Afghan government, according to a source at the talks. What do you think?Read more...

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—With Hurricane Dorian now expected to make landfall in Florida as a Category 4 storm, wildlife experts warned Thursday that the state’s wild Sea-Doos were at risk. “The vast majority of Florida’s native Sea-Doos mate and reproduce in low-lying coastal areas that could be ravaged by Dorian,” said…Read more...

As the brainchild of one of the industry’s leading minds, Hideo Kojima’s mysterious Death Stranding might be the must-have title of 2019. But in true Kojima fashion, with each newly released trailer, the game’s plotline and gameplay only get more mysterious. So let OGN break down everything you can possibly know about …Read more...

KENT, OH—As the musician on the screen lost his place and restarted for the third time, sources confirmed Thursday that YouTuber Ryan Prescott’s enthusiasm during his video tutorial on the guitar solo from Metallica’s “Ride The Lightning” was definitely flagging by the time he hit the 45-minute mark. “He was pretty…Read more...

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that a complete scan of your memory storage had found spyware that could harm your data and compromise your privacy, a late-breaking report released Thursday confirmed that The Onion has detected a virus on your computer and the only way to make your personal computer safe for use was to download…Read more...

BREVARD COUNTY, FL—Trying to hold back laughter while explaining how the garments were knit out of “proprietary NASA materials that are specially optimized for zero gravity,” Buzz Aldrin was reportedly selling a pair of old gym socks for $500,000 to a complete sucker Thursday, assuring him that he “totally” wore them…Read more...

Days after the Democratic National Committee opted against hosting a climate-focused debate, CNN announced plans for a lengthy town hall allowing all eligible candidates a platform to address the often-overlooked crisis. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Revealing that the practice of physical intervention helped to inspire focus and concentration, a new study released by the University of Chicago’s Department of Psychology on Wednesday found that the most effective method of overcoming procrastination was a beating delivered by an overseer whenever you stop…Read more...

Though several other polls found that Biden maintains a significant lead, a Monmouth University poll suggested that Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and Joe Biden are now deadlocked for first place. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Impressing coaches and teammates alike with his passion for the game and proper spelling, quarterback Case Keenum won the Redskins starting job Wednesday with a heartfelt essay entitled “What I Like Most About Football Is.” “We went through a bunch of submissions, but Case’s heartfelt five-paragraph essay…Read more...

SEATTLE—Finding themselves unable to focus after only a few minutes of listening, the eyes of a group of hostages began glazing over Wednesday during a lengthy explanation of a deadly game they were about to play with their serial-killer abductor. “It started out simply enough with him declaring the only rule was kill…Read more...

Concerns about the effects of cars on cities have led to more cities around the world, including Madrid, Paris, and Mexico City, partially banning cars in certain areas or on certain days, but opponents say the practice has many negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning cars in cities.Read more...

AKRON, OH—Revealing a strategy for protecting himself from criticism, local man Blake Cotton reportedly speculated Wednesday that if anyone ever calls him out on privilege, he’ll just make something up about being molested. “I mean, if someone ever tells me to think about how my position as a white male informs my…Read more...

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—After a state court found the company liable for $572 million in damages for its role in Oklahoma’s opioid crisis, consumer healthcare giant Johnson & Johnson announced Tuesday it would push uppers for the next decade or two in an effort to even everyone out. “We went way too hard on the downers,…Read more...

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MANAUS, BRAZIL—Widespread human-caused fires that have decimated over 1,300 square miles of Amazon rainforest in the year 2019 alone revealed a small tribe of isolated rich sociopaths who are completely untouched by consequence, sources confirmed Tuesday. “As the impact of deforestation continues to grow, a team…Read more...

Lucasfilm has released a new trailer for the highly anticipated concluding installment of the new Star Wars trilogy, teasing characters Rey and Kylo Ren clashing in a dramatic, rain-swept battle as well as the final appearance of Carrie Fisher. What do you think?Read more...

When Sony and Remedy Entertainment announced the 2019 release of the new action-adventure shooter Control at E3, they promised players an immersive gaming release unlike anything the industry has ever offered. After getting the chance to play it myself, I can now say unequivocally that Control delivers on that promise…Read more...

As it has become a yearly tradition, former president Barack Obama released a playlist of his and Michelle’s favorite songs of the summer, featuring musicians including Lizzo, Maggie Rogers, and Lil Nas X. What do you think?Read more...

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HUNTINGTON, WV—Explaining that such suggestive armor was inappropriate for an educational environment, Huntington High School officials reportedly reminded female students Tuesday that their bulletproof vests must cover their midriffs. “We’ve been seeing some students wearing revealing bulletproof vests, so I just…Read more...

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STAMFORD, CT—Reminding himself that everything will be okay if he simply pushes through his sense of impending doom, local man Alex Clemson took the last steps necessary Tuesday to overcome his long-standing fear of public urination during a visit to Fort Stamford Park. “In the past, I always froze up at crucial…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—In a sign that the world has finally passed you by, sources confirmed Monday that this year’s 2019 MTV Video Music Awards featured an endless stream of people you don’t know, you withered corpse, you putrid crone, you might as well be dead and rotting in the dirt. “Tonight, the world honors singers and…Read more...

Conservative radio show host and former representative Joe Walsh announced he will run against President Trump in 2020, presenting himself as a more palatable alternative after apologizing for a rash of controversial past statements such as questioning President Obama’s religion and calling him a Muslim. What do you…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Continuing a practice that he followed as president, Barack Obama reportedly upheld an old in-office tradition Saturday by releasing his 2019 summer kill list. “I’ve been busy with other things, so it’s not as extensive a kill list as some I released back when I was president, but I hope you find who I’ve…Read more...