by The Onion on (#4519W)
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The Onion
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| Updated | 2024-11-26 10:30 |
Report: Greatest Factor In Employee Retention Boss Sending Out End-Of-Year Note Titled ‘Thanks Team’
by The Onion on (#4519X)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—Citing the gesture as a “best practice shared across the nation’s highest-morale offices,†researchers at the Harvard Business School published a report Friday identifying a correlation between workplaces with the highest employee retention rate and those where management distributed an end-of-year note…Read more...
by By A Space Heater on (#4515Q)
As winter temperatures arrive and the end of the year approaches, I find myself in a place of deep reflection. Looking back on all the things I have and haven’t accomplished these past 12 months, I feel good about the progress I’ve made toward many of my personal goals. But there’s one particular thing I never quite…Read more...
by The Onion on (#450XB)
WASHINGTON—In an effort to curb the skyrocketing mole populations, officials at the U.S. Department of the Interior introduced a new federal program Friday that would release thousands of mallets into national parks. “Introducing mallets into our parks and forest preserves is one of the easiest and most effective ways…Read more...
by The Onion on (#450KH)
WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that the practice was neither sterile nor sanitary, American Red Cross officials issued a reminder Friday that they cannot accept donations from people who approach them with loose blood cupped in their hands. “While we certainly appreciate the act of generosity, we must discourage any potential…Read more...
by The Onion on (#450KJ)
In a win for Planned Parenthood, the Supreme Court opted to avoid a high-profile case concerning whether to allow Kansas and Louisiana to strip Medicaid money from Planned Parenthood. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44YW7)
Michael Cohen, Donald Trump’s ex-lawyer and fixer, was given three years in prison for nine federal charges of tax evasion, violating campaign finance laws, and lying to banks and to Congress. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44YW8)
NEW YORK—Turning to the public in their search for possible leads, CNN set up a 24-hour anonymous tip line Thursday in hopes of contacting those with possible alternatives to the network’s commonly used phrase “Mueller closing in.†“We’re looking for anyone from individuals placed deep inside the Trump administration…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44YR7)
WASHINGTON—Saying that enough time had passed for them to be willing to try again, the U.S. populace announced Thursday that they were finally prepared to look at more sidewalk drawings that look like big holes but are actually just flat. “The moment is at hand when we feel mentally and emotionally prepared to view…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44YKX)
CLEVELAND, OH—Expressing regret after being misled by the ruthless stunt, the Rock & Rock Hall of Fame rescinded the nomination they offered to The Cure Thursday after discovering the band was voted in as a cruel prank by popular kids. “We will no longer be inducting The Cure to the Hall after learning they were…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44YKY)
WASHINGTON—Celebrating and commemorating the myriad contributions of previously overlooked heroes, the Smithsonian American History Museum unveiled a new exhibit Thursday honoring the thousands of U.S. pets who devoted their time and talents to the war effort while their owners fought overseas in World War II. “Before…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44YKZ)
LONDON—Following wide-ranging criticism of the embattled prime minister’s handling of Brexit negotiations, Theresa May narrowly managed to survive execution by the parliamentary firing squad, sources confirmed Thursday. “After several months of coming under constant attack, this firing squad was merely the latest…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44YFF)
PUTNEY, VT—Claiming past experiences taught him to be prepared for sudden displays of vitality, mortician Radiston Nikolov, 38, told reporters Thursday that he always keeps a hammer beside his mortuary table in case one of his embalming subjects comes back to life. “I just like knowing this baby’s within reach in the…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#44YA3)
ARLINGTON, VA—In recognition of the brave and altruistic Americans who risk their health and safety for the greater good, Pentagon officials announced Thursday that the U.S. military would honor the sacrifices of NFL players by wearing their jerseys throughout December. “Every week, these men are out there on the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44YA4)
WASHINGTON—Citing your faux pas as the catalyst for several meaningful friendships, a new report published Wednesday by the Pew Research Center confirmed an innocuous thing you did in public has inspired an inside joke that will bond a group of teenagers together for life. “According to our research, the inelegant but…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44XYX)
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by The Onion on (#44XYY)
Facing passionate opposition to the arrangement she brokered with Brussels, Theresa May postponed the parliamentary vote on a Brexit deal to avoid near-certain defeat. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44WH3)
CAMDEN, NJ—Touting the device’s ability to open nasal passages and fill the air with warm, red mist, Campbell’s officials unveiled Wednesday a new line of ultrasonic tomato soup humidifiers. “The winter months can be hard, but Campbell’s new tomato soup humidifier can dispense more than four gallons of hearty,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44WE8)
For their persons of the year, Time magazine has chosen “The Guardians,†a group of journalists targeted for opposing the “war on truth,†which includes Jamal Khashoggi, arrested Reuters journalists Wa Lone and Kyaw Soe Oo, murdered reporters at the Capital Gazette, and Maria Ressa, chief executive of the Philippine…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44W9Q)
The recent death of a U.S. missionary trying to visit an isolated group living on a remote Indian island reignited debate over whether uncontacted peoples should be integrated into the rest of the world or left alone. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of seeking out uncontacted peoples.Read more...
by The Onion on (#44W5R)
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by The Onion on (#44W1Z)
VATICAN CITY—Packing the cobblestone streets and clad in prosthetic beards, sandals, and crowns of thorns, thousands of drunken revelers poured into the Vatican this week to take part in the city-state’s annual ChristCon Pub Crawl. “Every December, it seems like there are more of these jackasses at bars, taking…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44W20)
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by The Onion on (#44VX5)
SINGAPORE—Locked as they were in a deadly, high-stakes game of cat and mouse, patrons of the Marina Bay Sands Casino were revealed Wednesday to be either in the process of conducting a risky and sophisticated assassination or were themselves the target of an ingeniously orchestrated assassination attempt. “Every…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44VR9)
NORMAN, OK—Claiming that the average person needs to just man the fuck up and do it already, frat nutritionists attending the University of Oklahoma dared Americans on Wednesday to swallow more live goldfish. “We’ve discovered that consuming two to three live goldfish per weekend significantly reduces the risk of…Read more...
by Visible on (#44VDR)
WASHINGTON—According to a study published Tuesday by the American Institute of Health, the average American experiences the most physical exertion when frantically waving their cell phone around to get a better signal. “After an extensive two-year analysis of all physical activity in the United States, we discovered…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44VDS)
Frustrating the president’s pledges to bring back the industry, the U.S. Energy Information Administration projected this week that America will end 2018 having used less coal than any time since 1979. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SYH)
WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SYJ)
The Illinois Capitol rotunda will display a statue from The Satanic Temple-Chicago featuring a snake wrapping around Eve’s hand as a testament to freedom of religion and the group’s view of Satan as a wisdom-bestowing hero. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SQG)
COOKEVILLE, TN—Saying he has been unable to readjust to civilian life since returning home from his deployment to the border with Mexico, U.S. soldier Matthew Coltrane told reporters Tuesday he continues to have nightmares in which he is being used as a mere political prop. “In the middle of the night, I’ll wake up in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SA4)
NORTHBROOK, IL—Describing their new pasta as the perfect quick meal for busy weeknights, Italian food brand Bertolli claimed Tuesday that its new ravioli delivers perfectly empty al dente pasta casings floating in filling-saturated water in a mere five minutes. “Simply bring four cups of salted water to a boil,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44SA5)
WASHINGTON—Threatening to use her absolute power to run over anyone who dares stand in her way, authoritarian Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao declared Tuesday that she has the ultimate right of way in every traffic scenario. “Whether I am a pedestrian, a driver, or a cyclist—from today onward, all 325 million…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44S50)
Sentencing filings by the Southern District of New York reveal that Trump personally directed illegal hush money payments in 2016 to women with whom he allegedly had affairs in violation of campaign finance laws. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44S51)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44RV8)
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by The Onion on (#44QHR)
Speaking Friday, President Trump confirmed John Kelly will be leaving as chief of staff by the end of the year after 18 months defined by an attempt at instilling discipline on an often chaotic administration. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44QA8)
LOS ANGELES—Saying that the reduction in her daily caffeine intake had markedly improved her overall mood and outlook, sales associate Sherri Packer, 32, said Monday that she has made notable progress weaning herself off coffee by switching to Long Island iced tea. “I didn’t realize how dependent on my Starbucks I had…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#44QA9)
LAS VEGAS—In an effort to generate more enthusiasm among owners and general managers for the sparsely attended event, Major League Baseball introduced announced a new “Star Wars Night†Monday to boost attendance at this year’s winter meetings. “In the past, we’ve had problems drawing a full crowd to these meetings, so…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44Q6K)
NEW YORK—A report published Monday by researchers at the Journal Of Public Health Management And Practice revealed those sensors that flush public toilets were also cameras this whole time. “After decades of relying on the devices for automated flushing, it appears those red blinking sensors in toilet stalls have also…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44Q1K)
BURBANK, CA—Emphasizing that losing even just a few comic book fans would be a “fate worse than death,†Disney CEO Bob Iger admitted Monday that he and all his employees spend every waking moment consumed by the fear that you will one day turn on superhero movies. “Working at Disney? It’s hell. Because I know that one…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#44PR9)
CHICAGO—Stressing that a posthumous release was still better than no release at all, Game Of Thrones fans nationwide confessed Monday that they were now just hoping George R.R. Martin dies soon so his estate could publish whatever he’s already written. “Listen, he’s gotta have at least two-thirds of The Winds Of Winter…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#44PEW)
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by The Onion on (#44PEX)
Offering faster internet speeds and better battery life, recent announcements from Verizon, AT&T, and Sprint suggest 5G devices will begin to appear on the market in the first half of 2019. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44MT9)
Wes Anderson’s next film, The French Dispatch, has started filming with stars including Bill Murray, Tilda Swinton, and Timothée Chalamet in a narrative rumored to revolve around the world of journalism in 20th-century Paris. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HYB)
MADISON, WI—Shedding new light on the now-500-pound forest-dwelling antlered ungulant, zoologists at the University of Wisconsin–Madison announced the discovery of a new fastest land animal Friday after systematically subjecting a white-tailed deer to a regimen of specially tailored anabolic steroids. “Some cheetahs…Read more...
by The Onion on (#44HTF)
Hackers stole emails from the House Republicans Congressional Committee in a major cyber attack during the 2018 midterm elections, although the intentions of the attack are still unknown, individuals familiar with the matter revealed. What do you think?Read more...