The Onion

BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether…Read more...

CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly…Read more...

HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering…Read more...

TULSA, OK—Saying he had almost completely forgotten the longest day of the year was approaching, local resident Phil Garrison suddenly remembered it was the summer solstice Friday after noticing a group of pagans fucking in a ring of fire while walking to work. “Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about the midsummer…Read more...

On this episode of Are We Blair Yet?, Onion Travel vlogger Blair Ryleigh shows you how to eat on the cheap in Los Angeles by digging through the dumpsters behind some of the city’s hottest restaurants.Read more...

HOUSTON—Attempting to set the record straight about reports of a toxic work relationship between the two players, James Harden and Chris Paul publicly denied rumors of discord Friday and reiterated that they remain fully committed to the team at State Farm Insurance. “Things may get heated from time to time, but at…Read more...

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GENEVA—Calling the literal embrace of high-speed rail traffic “an endemic among pea-brained morons across the country,” the World Health Organization confirmed Friday that attempts at hugging oncoming trains remain the leading cause of death of idiots across the United States. “According to our research, roughly 31%…Read more...

This week marks 25 years since The Lion King was released by Disney in 1994, and over that time the animated film became a cultural sensation that spawned a media empire. The Onion looks back at The Lion King on its 25th anniversary.Read more...

NEW YORK—Dressed completely in black outfits accessorized only with ornate brooches, the nation’s fashion designers announced plans Friday to wave with both hands and bow slightly at the end of their fashion shows. “We’re well-pleased to continue standing at the end of the catwalk with vaguely mysterious smiles on our…Read more...

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DERBY, KS—Speculating that the sad former star was probably just attempting to relive his glory days, several sources told reporters Friday that Little League coach Mark Clancy, 27, was nothing but a washed-up former Little Leaguer. “Look at him out there acting like he’s this big deal. This guy hasn’t been in the…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Nervously pacing and muttering under their breath after having their draft board completely blown up, the New York Knicks front office was scrambling Thursday after the Pelicans drafted Zion Williamson before they could take him with the third overall pick. “We were so sure that Zion was going to fall to…Read more...

Nearly half the world’s electricity will come from renewable energy by midcentury as costs of wind, solar and battery storage continue to plummet, according to a report from Bloomberg. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Addressing the future casualties in a somber and often-emotional press conference, John Bolton told reporters Thursday that a war with Iran was the only way to avenge Americans killed in an upcoming war with Iran. “Sadly, I believe direct military conflict with Iran is the only suitable response for the…Read more...

Nintendo just let slip a huge piece of Mario lore! During this week’s Nintendo Direct, CEO Doug Bowser confirmed for the first time that the world’s favorite Italian plumber always comes back to life after he dies due to both Heaven and Hell rejecting his soul.Read more...

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ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the new financial system the “future” of digital caramel assets, Nestlé unveiled a new Rolos-based cryptocurrency Thursday exclusively for Rolos customers. “If you enjoy the deliciously sweet experience of eating a Rolos rolled chocolate candy, then you will love our latest foray into blockchain…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that a few pieces are even from a difficult single-color section comprising “practically nothing but empty blue sky,” Caitlin Roth, 34, was exhilarated Thursday to discover that the previous person to use the jigsaw puzzle at her Airbnb had left “a ton” of pieces sticking together. “Holy…Read more...

WAUKEE, IA—Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents’ house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.Read more...

POOLE, UK—Touting their new product as “the absolute latest and best in skin-rejuvenation solutions,” UK-based cosmetics retailer Lush unveiled Thursday a new line of anti-aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs. “Our new BloodBombs are formulated from only the purest virgin’s blood and are guaranteed to infuse your skin…Read more...

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A growing proportion of Americans—56%— believe abortion should be legal, according to an NBC poll, rising from 49% in 2008. What do you think?Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Growing increasingly more distressed as he pleaded with authorities, Alex Jones was reportedly struggling to convince skeptical police Tuesday night that he witnessed an actual murder in his neighbor’s backyard. “Sure, yeah, Mr. Jones, you saw some guy stabbing his wife through your back window,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—Speculating that there were probably dozens of people out there who had a handle on the situation, U.N. Secretary General António Guterres assumed Wednesday that someone was already doing something about the one million Uighur Muslims currently detained in Chinese internment camps in Xinjiang Province. “I…Read more...

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If you needed a little pick-me-up today, you should know that one of television’s most beloved personalities just went out of his way to inspire the next generation to follow their dreams: David Attenborough just told a class of second-graders that any of them could one day grow up to stare at animals and describe…Read more...

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OMAHA, NE—Encouraging his circle of close friends and family members to imagine the freedom of making money as their own boss in the growing field of personal beauty products, billionaire investor Warren Buffett hosted a party Wednesday to inform his colleagues about the exciting investment opportunities he had…Read more...

A recent federal study stated there’s a case to be made for young Americans to participate in a period of mandatory national service, not necessarily in the military, adding fuel to a long-debated policy idea. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of mandatory national service.Read more...

IOWA CITY, IA—Deliberately marshaling the last of her patience with the half-naked preschooler in the hopes of reaching a peaceful resolution, babysitter Rachel Cullman entered into the third hour of negotiations Tuesday to get 4-year-old Caden Foley to put his pants back on as the window before his bedtime drew ever…Read more...

Several new polls show Elizabeth Warren surging to second place behind Joe Biden, suggesting a head-to-head race for the primary’s more liberal voters between herself and Bernie Sanders. What do you think?Read more...

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Launching an ambitious new public relations campaign across multiple media platforms, a coalition of harpoon industry executives unveiled a plan Wednesday to rebrand their product by emphasizing to the public that harpoons can harpoon stuff besides whales. “For centuries, the average consumer has…Read more...

Multiplayer gaming can be a stressful experience with the anonymity of the online world making trolls out of a surprising number of players. But with just a few simple techniques, you can restore the fun and excitement to any game. Here are a few tips to avoid harassment while playing online games.Read more...

CHICAGO—Evidently perceiving a distinct change in the Turkish restaurant’s atmosphere, dinnertime sources confirmed that eatery Taste Of Istanbul was thrown into complete disarray Tuesday by the entry of a single customer. “A couple guys were sorting silverware as I walked in, but once they noticed me, they just…Read more...

Iran said Monday that it had begun enriching uranium and would violate the 2015 nuclear accord within weeks if efforts were not made to ease the damage done by United States sanctions, which themselves violated the deal. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Defending the law enforcement agency from criticism about detaining thousands of people who had been living or seeking asylum in the U.S., Immigration and Customs Enforcement officials argued Tuesday that migrants in their camps are free to die at any time. “It’s been our position from the beginning that if…Read more...

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It’s not often that you’ll see Dad genuinely, full-blown excited about something, and that honestly might be for the best, because right now he’s stoked as all hell and it is a pathetic sight to behold: Dad is excited out of his fucking mind after asking a cab driver in Aruba to take us where the real locals eat and…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Repeatedly telling them they were interfering with his duties, forensic investigator Albert Correo reminded several police officers at a crime scene Tuesday to stop shooting at the dead body under a sheet. “Listen to me, I’m trying to fingerprint this person so we can identify them, but it’s pretty hard to…Read more...

BEAVERTON, OR—In what the sportswear giant is hailing as a company-wide embrace of body positivity, Nike announced Tuesday it would introduce its first-ever size-inclusive mannequin, a hefty male figure eating a 12-inch hoagie. “We want everyone to feel represented when shopping at a Nike store, so now each of our…Read more...

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Get ready for a blast of nostalgia! Texas Instruments just announced they’re launching a plug-and-play TI-83 Classic that comes preloaded with two dozen games such as ZTetris and 9sweeper.Read more...