The Onion

The high-profile investigations by Special Counsel Robert Mueller and FBI officials into members of the Trump administration has put federal law enforcement in the spotlight. The Onion presents a guide to how FBI investigations work.Read more...

King Mswati III has changed the name of Swaziland to the Kingdom of eSwatini, meaning “place of the Swazi” in the Swazi language. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Dedicating himself to improving his skills every day in search of a repeat victory in the Best Animated Short category, Kobe Bryant reportedly hit the video editing bay Tuesday to work on defending his Academy Award win for Dear Basketball. “I’m trying to stay on top of my game, so I start every day at 6…Read more...

Chuck Schumer introduced legislation Friday to decriminalize marijuana, the first time that any party leader in Congress has endorsed rolling back such drug laws. What do you think?Read more...

BAR HARBOR, ME—Explaining that he really needed to escape from the increased public scrutiny into his personal and professional life, stressed-out Fox News host Sean Hannity reportedly bought 12 little cabins in rural Maine over the weekend to get away from it all. “I was getting really burnt out with work stuff and…Read more...

SANTA MONICA, CA—Speaking about the upcoming episodes of the Hulu series at a press event, producers of The Handmaid’s Tale announced Monday that the second season would focus on the serious dangers posed by feminism run amok. “Fans of The Handmaid’s Tale are going to be thrilled to be back in the totalitarian…Read more...

LONDON—Ruthlessly moving to stake his claim to the British throne mere moments after his parturition this morning, the newborn Prince of Cambridge began consolidating power by having all other members of the royal family imprisoned in the Tower of London, those close to the Crown report. “In what can only be seen as…Read more...

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If you haven’t heard the news yet, pay attention, because there’s been an urgent public alert issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention: Effective immediately, there is a nationwide recall for all romaine lettuce because it’s time for pizza!Read more...

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One of pop music’s most iconic superstars just announced that he’s stepping away from the microphone for good. Earlier today, Justin Timberlake issued a statement letting the world know that he’s retiring from singing after realizing you can just work in an office.

TUSTIN, CA—According to sources nodding along to a coworker’s story about vacation home rentals, the conversation happening between strangers at the other end of the communal table at the Ocean Walk Café sounds way more interesting. “I can’t tell exactly what they’re talking about, but just listen to them—they’re…Read more...

DENVER, CO—Naively insisting that we seek partners with the confidence to be comfortable in their own skin, Denver systems analyst Jennifer Thomas, 32, stated Monday that “nothing is more attractive than confidence,” clearly demonstrating that she has never seen Sonic the Hedgehog cosplay. “Being secure with who you…Read more...

The Communist Party of Cuba formally announced the presidency’s transition from Raúl Castro to 56-year-old Miguel Diaz-Canel, ending nearly 60 years of Castro family rule. What do you think?Read more...

HOPKINTON, NH—After viewing several topographical maps, an old wagon wheel, and a few rusting farm implements, visitors to Hopkinton’s local history museum confirmed Monday that the curators had clearly dug deep to fill the two 15-by-20-foot rooms at their disposal. “The first room had photos of the town’s past and a…Read more...

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An intelligence source revealed that an upcoming talk between Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in could result in the announcement of an end to the Korean War 68 years after the conflict began. What do you think?Read more...

CINCINNATI—Causing a wave of disgust and outrage among his fellow diners, local man Tobin Sullivan said Friday that, to his horrified surprise, he had found the deep-fried head of Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea, in his $8.99 Two Fish And Six Shrimp Combo Platter. “I was eating my fish when I noticed what looked…Read more...

After the 2016 election, it became clear just how successfully trolls and foreign enemies have been using the internet to undermine the democratic process. Unfortunately, technological advancements are guaranteeing that the problem’s only going to get worse before it gets any better. Want proof? This disturbing video…Read more...

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We all want to believe that love lasts forever, but the editor of Snopes, Patrick Gourley, just busted that myth wide open: He has officially listed his marriage of 28 years as a hoax.

After a wave of protests in response to the arrest of two black customers in a Philadelphia store, global coffee chain said they will close 8,000 stores on May 29 to give employees racial bias training. What do you think?Read more...

HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…Read more...

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YOUR LOCATION—Explaining that staffing was a little tight right now and he would really appreciate the extra help, your boss was wondering Friday if you might be able to work late this year. “It’s obviously not required, but you’d be doing me a huge solid if you wouldn’t mind staying after hours for 12 months or so,”…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to make the solar system’s central star look as badass as possible, NASA officials announced Friday the agency’s plans to place a 864,600-mile-wide pair of shades on the sun. “With this mission, we’ll be taking a great leap forward in our understanding of how cool and chilled-out our sun really…Read more...

Nearly seven months after Hurricane Maria, Puerto Rico has entirely lost power, with all 1.5 million electricity customers being plunged into darkness yet again. What do you think?Read more...

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Here’s heartwarming proof that some people will stop at nothing to offer help in a dire situation.

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GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…Read more...

As the world leader of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has completely dedicated his life to his faith, but what he did last night proves that the pope is willing to go well above and beyond the call of duty in service to his religion: Pope Francis stayed up all night making a Squarespace page for Catholicism.

WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision by the country’s highest judicial body, sources confirmed that the U.S. Supreme Court announced Thursday that it had agreed to hear the new Jack White album. “Having already established a precedent when we heard Lazaretto in 2014, we have decided to bring Boarding House Reach before…Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Saying that the incident had a profound effect on Him and that He hasn’t been the same since, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, recalled Thursday his life-changing encounter with an 8-year-old boy who had a near-death experience. “I was standing there one day in the brightness of Eternal Life when…Read more...

LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with…Read more...

Taking a trip alone may seem off-putting to some people, but others find it to be a more rewarding experience. The Onion offers tips for solo travel.Read more...

The FDA issued a recall of 207 million eggs from Rose Acre Farms after dozens of non-lethal illnesses led to fears that they may have been contaminated with salmonella. What do you think?Read more...

Wow. These stories are incredible. So powerful.Read more...

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Former First Lady Barbara Bush, mother to George W. Bush and wife to George H.W. Bush, passed away yesterday at the age of 92. What do you think?Read more...

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IRVING, TX—Refusing to confirm nor deny that the addition had anything to do with personal hygiene, Cottonelle unveiled its new ULTRA Comfort Care toilet paper Wednesday now infused with a mysterious thin blue strip. “Is it scented? Does it help track your intestinal health? Is there some sort of lotion in it? It…Read more...

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NYERI, KENYA—Reacting to news that Starbucks will close more than 8,000 locations for a day to conduct anti-discrimination training, impoverished Kenyan bean picker Adamu Mwangi told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t wait to hear the international coffee giant’s perspectives on racial sensitivity. “I think this could…Read more...

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