The Onion

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—In a stern indictment of the cash-grabbing scandal that the student athletics organization was somehow kept completely in the dark about, the NCAA announced Monday the launch of an investigation into why it wasn’t making millions off of the recent college admissions controversy. “After the disturbing…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Claiming that unconstrained advances in meat-sauce application was as far beyond human calculation as its potential to harm future generations, KC Masterpiece CEO Benno Dorer warned Monday against society’s increasing reliance on A1. “When applied correctly—and, crucially, in judicious amounts—it’s true…Read more...

CREATION—Admitting that the mere thought of hosting His guest next weekend filled Him with terrible anxiety, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, revealed Monday that He was “really dreading” an upcoming visit from His older brother, who had brought into being a far more successful cosmos. “I stress out whenever my…Read more...

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A group of 250 experts have signed a United Nations and World Health Organisation petition suggesting the electromagnetic (EMF) frequencies of Airpods and similar wireless headphones could cause cancer. What do you think?Read more...

AMES, IA—In part of an ongoing effort to foster a more inclusive academic community, thousands of students from across the nation were forced to attend Iowa State Monday after the university set its acceptance rate to 140 percent. “We’d like to congratulate all the people who didn’t apply, but were nevertheless…Read more...

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Since its implementation in 1979, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has served as the U.S. government’s main response team to natural disasters, but often faces criticism for efforts perceived as insufficient. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how FEMA responds to disasters.Read more...

SANTA CRUZ, CA—A report published Friday by cultural anthropologists at the University of California, Santa Cruz, revealed that an increasing number of women are forgoing the custom of taking their husbands’ surnames and instead opting for something totally badass like Diesel, Nitro, or Pulverizer. “We’ve observed a…Read more...

Hundreds of thousands of young people will walk out of schools today to protest against inaction on climate change, following the example of Swedish teen Greta Thunberg, who held a solo protest outside of the country’s parliament. What do you think?Read more...

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through Yosemite National Park has evidently nothing to do with soul-searching, an inner journey, or any other form…Read more...

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CATASAUQUA, PA—Positively brimming with joy after welcoming the infant into their home, first-time grandparents Edward and Colleen Harris told reporters Friday they were overwhelmed with emotion now that they finally understood what it meant to love a child. “I can’t even begin to put my happiness into words because…Read more...

In partnership with the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, Japan plans to build a six-wheeled, self-driving transporter that can carry two humans for a distance of 10,000 kilometers by 2029. What do you think?Read more...

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Governor Gavin Newsom announced a moratorium on capital punishment, granting a temporary reprieve to the 737 inmates on the state’s death row. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Praising the strength and composure the former officer displayed throughout his trial and sentencing, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel broke ground Thursday on the city’s newly approved Jason Van Dyke Police Academy. “Today, we remember a brave officer, father, and friend, who was taken from us far too soon when he…Read more...

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Complaining that he is never able to relax and just be himself, local dog Crackers reported Thursday that he feels as though he always has to be “on” when he’s around the family to whom he belongs. “It’s like I always have to put on this show, whether it’s chasing a squeaky toy or licking someone’s…Read more...

Decades after its proposal by Tim Berners-Lee, a British computer programmer working at CERN, the World Wide Web will celebrate its 30th anniversary this week. What do you think?Read more...

MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday that it’s all in his head. “Sometimes, when I’m getting really down on myself, I start to think people must…Read more...

ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to wipe down his personal trainer after working out. “I sweat all over, so it would be pretty rude of me not to at least clean the fitness instructor up…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Saying “No, no, no” to himself as he worked his way down the page, a desperate Matt Damon reportedly spent Thursday fervently searching for his name on IMDB user Dolphinsoul60’s list, “Top 100 Actors.” “Jason Bateman...Chris Evans…Gene Hackman? C’mon, c’mon, Dolphinsoul60. Where is your boy?” said the…Read more...

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LOCK HAVEN, PA—Calling him the most promising recruit he’s seen in a decade of coaching, tennis instructor Thomas Petrov confirmed Thursday that he sees real potential in his student Aiden McDavid’s family income. “From his expensive Babolat racket to the brand-new Nikes, I can tell this kid’s parents have everything…Read more...

Dozens of parents including fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli and actress Felicity Huffman have been charged with paying millions to gain admission for their children to elite institutions such as Yale University, the Justice Department revealed this week. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns. “Just imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms…Read more...

YOUR LITTLE HEAD—Confirming that oh, sure, probably no one gets into the prestigious university without their wealthy parents pulling some strings, a report released Wednesday in the wake of a major college admissions scandal stated that if it makes you feel better, you can believe bribery is the only reason you…Read more...

BOSTON—Providing new and disconcerting insights into long-speculated risks of human mating, a Boston University Medical College genetic study published last week in Nature Genetics found that, despite the longstanding cultural and social stigma of the pairing, second cousins are, in fact, technically fair game. “Our…Read more...

Debuting on March 11, 1989, Cops has followed law enforcement on patrols and drug busts over its 30 seasons, generating its share of big moments and controversy along the way. The Onion looks back at Cops on the reality show’s 30th anniversary.Read more...

LIVONIA, MI—Declaring that he couldn’t wait to see his wife’s eyes light up once she heard the news, local husband Kevin McCoy, 32, reportedly spent $238.76 Wednesday to buy his wife tickets to see a singer she wants to fuck. “Phoebe is just crazy about [the idea of being throroughly and repeatedly boned by] John…Read more...

Amidst looting, hyperinflation, and a contested presidency, Venezuela has plunged into a near-countrywide blackout after its massive power failure. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Following revelations about the actress’s alleged involvement in a college bribery scandal, University of Southern California officials told reporters Tuesday that Lori Loughlin’s daughter was admitted solely based on her socioeconomic background. “We certainly condemn bribery, but we would also like to…Read more...

After two crashes of such planes and the deaths of hundreds, China ordered the grounding of all Boeing 737 Max 8s until further inspections have been performed. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Insisting that they didn’t want to push the 38-year-old signal caller onto the field before he’s ready, Giants general manager Dave Gettleman told reporters Tuesday that the team was considering drafting a quarterback to mentor Eli Manning. “I think it will be good to keep Eli on the bench for a year or two…Read more...

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage our timeline with a single misplaced beat of his wings. “I’d really like to flit over to the fern, but the…Read more...

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JOPLIN, MO—After dedicating an immense portion of his spare time to battling the Axis forces in Europe, avid Battlefield V player Jacob Dunford, 36, has, as of 2:45 a.m. Tuesday, spent more of his life fighting Nazis than his grandfather Martin did in World War II. Several reports indicated that Dunford, whose service…Read more...

A New York real estate firm is buying the iconic Chrysler Building for $150 million, a sum that is nearly 81 percent less than what it was purchased for in 2008 due to the unique challenges of operating an aging building. What do you think?Read more...

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DALLAS—Bringing spectators to their feet with a stunning display of showmanship, Dallas Mavericks power forward Dirk Nowitzki shattered the glass of a backboard Wednesday night with his powerful soprano singing voice. “It was mind blowing—I didn’t think he could still get that high at his age,” said Mavericks teammate…Read more...

U.S.-backed forces are assaulting the last ISIS-held encampment in Syria with the aims of ending territorial gains that once included one-third of Iraq and Syria. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—After promising to let anyone who disagrees with his views come on his program to explain why, Tucker Carlson spent the entire taping of his show Monday loudly and repeatedly interrupting the child bride he had invited on to debate him about underage marriage. “Ma’am, ma’am! You’ll have your chance to talk,…Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress,…Read more...