The Onion

THE HEAVENS—In what many are calling a “pathetically soft sentence” for the recently deceased sex offender, multiple angels confirmed Monday that Jeffrey Epstein was free to visit Earth six days a week under the terms of a new sweetheart afterlife deal. “According to heavenly sources, Mr. Epstein was granted entry…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying that its characteristic markings had likely evolved as a defense mechanism, experts at UCLA confirmed Monday that the Doritos bag developed its bright, distinctive coloring as an evolutionary tactic to warn would-be predators that it could kill them if consumed. “After extensive research, we can…Read more...

NEW YORK—Bemoaning the paper’s recent series focusing on the role slavery played in American history, Newt Gingrich slammed The New York Times’ 1619 Project Monday as shameless abolitionist propaganda. “What we’re seeing is the tragic decline of The New York Times into a propaganda paper that’s clearly operating in…Read more...

Top White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow said on Fox News Sunday that the White House is looking into the possibility of buying Greenland, despite the fact that Greenland’s government recently confirmed that the island was “not for sale.” What do you think?Read more...

LA CROSSE, WI—The initially heartwarming story of cancer patient Trevor Powell’s visit to heaven came under scrutiny Monday after sources close to the boy revealed that, upon reflection, the account sounded more and more like a wet dream. “At first, when Trevor said that he was going into a dark tunnel and felt a warm…Read more...

At Onion Gamers Network, we always strive to provide the pinnacle in gaming news, commentary, previews, and reviews. On rare occasions, however, we have failed to live up to these lofty standards and must take significant steps to correct these missteps. Today, we find ourselves needing to do just that. After a…Read more...

BOSTON—Frustrated that he had gone decades in the ring without once being warned of the risks, aging boxing veteran Tony Sheehan told reporters Monday that he wished someone had told him that being repeatedly punched unconscious for years could damage his brain. “I mean, I guess I kind of knew it couldn’t be exactly…Read more...

Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper announced that he will drop out of the 2020 presidential race in order to pursue a bid for Senate. What do you think?Read more...

DURHAM, NC—In an effort to improve the company’s image amid criticism about poor conditions in its warehouses, e-commerce giant Amazon has begun to ship workers in packages to personally assure customers they’re being treated well, sources confirmed Friday. “When people who don’t know any better criticize my employer,…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Taking a “wait-and-see” approach before becoming too emotionally invested in this year’s team, cautious Browns fan Murray Fields told reporters Friday that he wasn’t expecting the franchise to finish better than 13-3 this regular season. “I know some of my friends expect the Browns to have a great year, but…Read more...

Look like someone is hearing fan concerns! Polish game studio CD Projekt Red just told OGN that they’ve completely eliminated the need for crunch on their upcoming Cyberpunk 2077 by breeding a race of grotesque human-rat hybrids that can work as programmers for weeks on end without the need for sleep or food.Read more...

Israel decided to prohibit Reps. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) and Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) from visiting Israel due to their support of the BDS movement, although it offered to open the West Bank to Tlaib for a strictly humanitarian visit to her grandmother, a visit that she turned down out of protest. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Wiping the sweat from his brow and drinking from a glass of water, naked, out-of-breath CDC director Robert Redfield announced at a press conference Friday that the nation’s fertility rate was no longer in decline. “I am happy to announce that after a slow, two-decade decline in American birth rates, our…Read more...

ATLANTA—Stressing that it was a simple solution to avoid long-term injuries, researchers from Emory Healthcare published a report Friday suggesting that Little League pitchers could avoid overtaxing their arms by, you know, getting somebody out for a change. “We strongly recommend young pitchers avoid needless strain…Read more...

The Dow Jones Industrial Average had its worst day of the year thus far, dropping 800 points due to geopolitical turmoil and sluggish growth rates. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to a leading economic barometer portending woe to come, Wall Street officials expressed concern about a looming recession Thursday after ominous black storm clouds were spotted atop Mount Money. “While consumer spending and jobless claims are certainly important bellwethers, we were forced to…Read more...

NEW YORK—The ongoing investigation into the death of Jeffrey Epstein in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center reportedly uncovered a serious breach of duty by two prison guards, who were placed on disciplinary leave Thursday for allowing themselves to be distracted by a mischievous monkey that stole their…Read more...

Protests in Hong Kong have ended after two days of activism that shut down flights and grew into a violent police standoff, although Beijing has initiated an aggressive disinformation campaign to quell such protests in mainland China. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA—Praising the simplicity of design and luxurious comfort, J.D. Power and Associates released their 2019 rankings Tuesday, naming four muscular young men carrying you everywhere as their new top vehicle in its class. “Thanks to its dependability, simple but effective driver assists, and above all…Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing concerns that the restaurant chain had the wrong idea about where their relationship was headed, wing enthusiast Matthew Forester, 32, revealed Thursday that a clingy Wingstop has sent him dozens of messages since their one drunken night together. “Look, I know it was a passionate night during which…Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to determine whether it should even bother trying anymore, the U.S. Postal Service issued a new stamp with an anus on it Thursday to see if people these days still care what is on their stamps. “We’ve put some pretty cool stuff on our stamps recently—a T. rex, the U.S.S. Missouri, Marvin…Read more...

PHOENIX—Claiming that even one second of actually thinking about it makes you realize just how nuts the whole thing is, the Society Of American Baseball Research published the results of a study Thursday finding that it’s crazy the MLB still counts statistics from the sport’s segregated era. “After months of data…Read more...

After the success of Wildlands, Ghost Recon fans have been waiting for years to see if the next entry in the series would live up to that game’s high standard. But any worries you may have had can be put to rest because an amazing new leak from Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon Breakpoint has revealed that the game’s primary…Read more...

LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND—Speaking candidly with reporters, drummer Pete Best disclosed for the first time Thursday that in addition to being fired from the Beatles, he was also forced out of The Who, Queen, Pink Floyd, and The Kinks just before each band got famous. “When I arrived at the studio to record ‘My Generation,’…Read more...

A coalition of 22 states has sued the Trump administration over its rollback of the Clean Power Plan, arguing that its replacement rules are so weak that they violate federal law. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Encouraging the fellas to go ahead and take a hike, a report released Wednesday confirmed that this next one goes out to all the ladies. “Mmmmm, you fine specimens have worked so hard today and deserve a little news-in-brief all to yourselves,” read the report in part, inviting all the foxy female…Read more...

Read more...

In a significant achievement for the country’s wildlife conservation efforts, India’s tiger population doubled in the last dozen years despite rapid urbanization. What do you think?Read more...

August 16 marks 20 years since Who Wants To Be A Millionaire debuted in the U.S. as the first game show in the country with a million-dollar prize, ultimately running for 20 seasons before its cancelation in May. The Onion looks back at the greatest moments in the program’s 20-year history.Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Assuring the man that even his wildest desires could be fulfilled, waitress Lana Collins paraded a selection of pie slices in front of a customer Wednesday like a madam in a high-class brothel. “Key lime, French silk, caramel pecan; simply say the word and the tasty little morsel will be yours,” said…Read more...

Read more...

An NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found that independent voters remain unconvinced by both the president’s and Democrat’s plans for the future, although they agree with some liberal platforms such as Medicare for all who want it and universal background checks. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling the oversight a complete failure of the system on every level, Department of Justice officials told reporters Tuesday that a damning investigation had revealed that billionaire and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had been left unsupervised for decades prior to his suicide. “This high-risk…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In an effort to simplify and expedite the selection of top candidates for matriculation at the historic Ivy League school, the admissions department of Harvard University announced Tuesday that they would refine their process by directly growing new students from the DNA of top donors. “These adjustments…Read more...

When famed streamer Richard “Ninja” Blevins announced he was cutting ties with Twitch and moving over to Microsoft’s new streaming service, he left a massive hole for all of his 14 million followers that most thought would never be filled. But the wait for a successor looks like it ended way faster than most expected.…Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Stressing that time is of the essence and that every heartbeat brings the nation closer to excruciating toxic death, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced the discovery of an antidote Tuesday for the slow-acting poison currently coursing through the bodies of millions of Americans. “We at Pfizer are now…Read more...

A CBS News poll found that 78% of Democratic voters in early primary states rate climate change as a “very important” issue, putting it ahead of income inequality and jobs, and suggesting environmental action growing increasingly important to left-leaning voters. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

NEW CASTLE, DE—As he stood on tiptoes in a desperate attempt to locate a can of soup or perhaps a package of ramen, local man Josh Mucklow told reporters Tuesday that as kitchen resources continue to vanish, he has been forced to scavenge for food in higher and higher cabinets. “The shelves I have traditionally relied…Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Downplaying their connections to the man, powerful associates of the late Jeffrey Epstein have begun to distance themselves from the serial abuser, claiming it has been years since they spent time with him or made use of his secret child sex-trafficking ring, sources confirmed Monday. “I certainly wouldn’t…Read more...

NASA’s Artemis project to return humans to the Moon will include a small space station—dubbed “The Gateway”—that will orbit the lunar surface for years, providing astronauts with a space to live, research, and plan before heading out for the missions. What do you think?Read more...

YOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating that you, and you alone, were the sole person who had correctly surmised what happened to Jeffrey Epstein. “Despite widespread speculation and numerous conflicting theories as to the truth behind…Read more...