The Onion

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or…Read more...

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Gearbox Software’s third game in this epically playable co-op multiplayer game is finally upon us! Prepare to jump into all the post-apocalyptic action with our tips for playing Borderlands 3.Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…Read more...

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After seeking treatment for pancreatic cancer over the summer, Alex Trebek returned for season 36 of trivia game show Jeopardy! What do you think?Read more...

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In the wake of a stumbling economy and several recent missteps, President Trump’s approval rating fell 6% to 38% in a recent ABC News-Washington Post poll. What do you think?Read more...

IRVING, TX—In response to multiple lawsuits and potential bankruptcy, desperate Boy Scouts officials unveiled a new You Can Mutilate As Many Dead Squirrels As You Want membership campaign this week. “Our mission here at the Boy Scouts of America is to prepare young people for the future by instilling in them a strong…Read more...

Prepare to have your heart warmed. In the wake of the devastation of Hurricane Dorian, thousands of gamers have pitched in to rescue abandoned consoles and find them homes where they can get the love and attention they need.Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Struggling to scrape by on his meager salary, actor Matthew McConaughey was reportedly forced to apply for food stamps Thursday after his first month working as an adjunct professor. “Man, things have been really tough lately, but fortunately I qualify for some nutrition assistance,” said the Academy…Read more...

BILLUND, DENMARK—In a touching tribute to their deceased young fans, toymaking giant LEGO unveiled a new line of playsets Thursday commemorating all the children who have choked to death on one of their interlocking construction blocks. “We are excited to finally introduce LEGO Dead Creator, a new series of playsets…Read more...

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YARMOUTH, MA—Shaking their heads in dismay at the clueless couple’s child-rearing difficulties, onlookers speculated Thursday that a husband and wife trying to screw their infant son into a light bulb socket must be first-time parents. “Boy, I know there’s a learning curve for raising a kid, but it doesn’t make it any…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Shedding new light upon the religious figure’s state after the Resurrection, archeologists from the University of Oxford discovered new evidence Thursday revealing that Christ suffered severe brain damage during his time lying dead in the tomb. “Although Christ was able to rise after his period in the tomb,…Read more...

Cautioning that the findings needed to be reproduced in a larger sample size, scientists giving healthy volunteers a cocktail of growth hormones and diabetes medications found they lost an average of 2.5 years from their biological age after one year. What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump fired John Bolton from his position as national security advisor, noting that the warhawk often conflicted with him on foreign policy matters. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTIC CITY, NJ—With its organizers hailing the temporary site as the city’s hottest destination this week, a new pop-up national park offers 500 square feet of pristine wilderness for the next two days, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Starting bright and early this morning and continuing through dusk tomorrow, the…Read more...

Apple revealed three new phones in its lineup at Tuesday’s press conference that add an improved camera and battery life, alongside an upgraded iPad and Apple Watch. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Taking a moment Wednesday to reflect on the historic tragedy, millions of Americans across the country solemnly recalled the terror and devastation visited upon their country by the 9/11 15th-anniversary media coverage. “It was so traumatizing to turn on the television that day and witness the horrific kinds…Read more...

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VALDOSTA, GA—Urging the feisty senior to pace herself, concerned Jackson family sources confirmed Wednesday that rowdy grandmother Arlene Jackson was seen careening around her son-in-law’s birthday party double-fisting grandchildren. “Nana’s got her arms so full of grandbabies that she’s practically falling over—she…Read more...

MILTON, MA—Wincing at the smell of formaldehyde as she entered the beauty school morgue, cosmetology student Linda Emerson admitted Wednesday that she was nervous for the part of her studies where she’d have to cut hair on cadavers. “I know it’s important to practice before you give a haircut to a living, breathing…Read more...

Touting safety features such as sharing your location with friends, Facebook Dating rolled out its service in the U.S., bringing a Hinge or Tinder-like interface to the social media giant. What do you think?Read more...

Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the iPhone 11 at a press conference on Tuesday. The Onion runs down the most significant features and specs of the new iPhone.Read more...

NEW YORK—Sitting silently cross-legged as the light breeze and rhythmic breathing focused his mind, ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith retreated to a tranquil, secluded fig tree on Tuesday to contemplate the meaning of the NFL’s first week. “The great mysteries of Baker Mayfield’s performance still elude me, I must focus…Read more...

LEXINGTON, KY—Admitting that she may have a dependency issue with the soothing Celestial Seasonings herbal infusion, longtime Sleepytime Tea addict Katie Ball divulged Tuesday that she must consume six bags of the sedative brew in order to merely feel drowsy. “I started using Sleepytime to treat insomnia, which worked…Read more...

A new Washington Post-ABC News poll found 89% of Americans support requiring background checks for all Americans, in addition to finding that a significant majority support red flag laws and other gun safety measures. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Capping off weeks of protest from local parents and students alike, the Indianapolis Motor Speedway was forced to lower its speed limit to 20 mph Tuesday after an elementary school opened next to the straightaway. “If any IndyCar motorists are found speeding near Lincoln Elementary between the hours of 7…Read more...

Calling all DOOM fans! Drop whatever you’re doing and get ready for a serious nostalgia trip for this unforgettable retro shooter: This office requires a keycard to get inside!Read more...

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LYNCHBURG, VA—Expressing fears that the recent scandal could harm the institution’s reputation, members of the Liberty University board told reporters Monday they were concerned investigations into Jerry Falwell Jr.’s corruption risked undermining the college’s core mission of subjugating women and gay people. “When…Read more...

LYNCHBURG, VA—In an effort to quell backlash following allegations of ongoing malfeasance, Liberty University president Jerry Falwell Jr. recounted Monday the story of Jesus Christ getting revenge on the apostle who ratted out his corruption schemes. “As people of faith, we all must remember the valuable lesson in the…Read more...

Following a suicide attack that killed an American soldier and 11 others in the capital of Kabul, President Trump called off secret Camp David peace talks slated to be held with Taliban’s leaders. What do you think?Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shortly after it became widespread public knowledge that the research institution had accepted contributions from the late convicted sex offender, the MIT Media Lab announced Monday that it had agreed to return all of Jeffrey Epstein’s donated girls. “As soon as we learned that several high-level Lab…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing insights into the emerging agricultural and nutritional practices of early human society, historians at Harvard University presented evidence Wednesday revealing that multiple centers of civilization developed chicken tender baskets independently of one another. “Although we once believed these…Read more...

If you’ve got questions about Nintendo’s flagship Mario game for the N64, you’ve come to the right place, because we’re breaking down everything we know so far about Super Mario 64.Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that her beloved nana had grown up in the 1930s and that things had changed since then, local woman Patrice Weppler spent Monday taking her grandma’s famous beef stroganoff recipe and gussying it up to be less poor. “There’s nothing I love more than nana’s cooking, but also, I’m not sure she’d mind…Read more...

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SPARTANBURG, SC—Following an announcement earlier this week in which he acknowledged his own homosexuality, former conversion therapy practitioner McKrae Game apologized Friday for the harm his work has caused and offered to electrocute his past patients into being gay again. “Anyone who received electroshock therapy…Read more...

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DALLAS—Referring to the practice as a sound investment that too few players make, Ezekiel Elliott’s financial advisor urged the running back Friday to set aside 20% of his annual salary for paying off women to keep quiet. “We’re thrilled about Zeke’s contract extension, but that money isn’t going to last forever. He…Read more...

ALBANY, NY—Observing that the choicest bits were long gone, a local fly confirmed Friday that by the time it discovered the piece of dog shit near a tree in Ridgefield Park, the defecation had been pretty well picked over. “Dang, you can tell this was some real primo shit, probably from a pit bull or something,” said…Read more...