The Onion

MONTES APENNINUS, THE MOON—Gazing upon the stark beauty of the land, retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin announced “one day, this will all be yours” to his great-grandson Nathaniel Friday while taking him on a brief tour around the Moon. “From the Tycho Crater to the Oceanus Procellarum, this land is your birthright as an…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Reviewing the circumstances that led to their defeat by the Toronto Raptors in the NBA Finals, the Golden State Warriors attributed their series loss to forward Kevin Durant rupturing his Achilles, guard Klay Thompson tearing his ACL, and guard Steph Curry being hit by a bus near the end of game six. “No…Read more...

EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too…Read more...

DURHAM, NC—Shedding new light on the seemingly useless appendage, evolutionary biologists at Duke University published the results of a study this week in which they concluded that humans could lose their vestigial heads in less than 100 years. “We’re not exactly sure what purpose the head serves. Some say we need…Read more...

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EPPING, NH—Expressing frustration over all the people approaching him asking for assistance, local man Dan McDermott was annoyed Friday at being repeatedly mistaken for an employee just because he was driving a forklift through his local Costco. “God, I’m just trying to mind my own business and transport crates of…Read more...

PEBBLE BEACH, CA—Scouring the leaderboard to find a name that looked familiar, a professional golfer playing at the U.S. Open Friday admitted that he can never remember if he’s Matt Kuchar or Brooks Koekpa. “I know I’ve won the U.S. Open, so there’s a good chance I’m Koekpa, but I know Brooks is a Nike guy, and it…Read more...

After being threatened by a hacker who had stolen the audio files, Radiohead has released 18 hours of demos documenting the creation of classic album OK Computer in support of the climate fund Extinction Rebellion. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Publicly castigating the president for outstripping their own efforts, media luminaries including Zach Braff and Alyssa Milano held a press conference Thursday in which they criticized Donald Trump for his far superior ability to pivot to politics to save his floundering career. “It’s a national…Read more...

In a move being hailed by animal rights advocates, Canada’s Parliament passed legislation banning whales, dolphins, and porpoises from being bred or held in captivity. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Outlining an alarming trend in which record amounts of American deaths from substance abuse and self-harm aren’t even rooted in raising hell, a report by the Commonwealth Fund published Thursday revealed that U.S. death rates from drugs, suicide, and alcohol have greatly increased, but not in a cool rock…Read more...

RICHMOND, VA—Admitting it didn’t expect to “see [him] so soon after the beating [his] pale ass took,” the sun expressed surprise Thursday upon discovering that pasty fuck Arnold Walden, 33, had apparently failed to learn his lesson from last summer. “Well, well, well. Look who brought his exposed, lily-white neck back…Read more...

We got our hands on some of the most must-play titles of the year at E3 2019. After a lengthy discussion, here are the OGN team’s favorite titles from our time playing on the convention floor.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying that the legal action should serve as a stern warning to all those who exploit the hard work of musicians, Atlantic Records sent an official cease-and-desist order Thursday to a local woman, 28-year-old Ana Sanchez, accused of using Lizzo’s single “Juice” as her personal anthem. “From her insistence…Read more...

BONAIRE, GA—In an effort to summon all 325 million citizens in from the fields for supper time, USDA Secretary Sonny Perdue rang the nationwide dinner bell Wednesday evening right at 6 p.m. for y’all to get in here. “Hoo-ee, hoo-ee! Come on in! Get it while it’s hot!” shouted Perdue, making sure to ring it loud enough…Read more...

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Vice President Mike Pence defended the State Department’s recent choice to ban flying rainbow flags outside U.S. embassies in celebration of Pride Month, saying it was the right decision to solely mount the American flag in such spots. What do you think?Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Saying that the city has had this coming for a long time and this moment was as good a time as any, St. Louis officials encouraged fans celebrating the Blues Stanley Cup victory Wednesday to just burn the city down and finally end everyone’s suffering. “To all the Blues fans out there who may be smashing…Read more...

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It’s been a stunning week of gaming reveals that we’re sure to be talking about for months to come, but OGN has somehow managed to pick out the cream of the crop. Here are the biggest announcements of E3 2019.Read more...

In defiance of an extradition law that many believe would allow mainland China to erode civil liberties, 1 million citizens swept into the streets of Hong Kong this week to protest. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—Observing that the man in question used seven crosswalks at a minimum on any given day, local sources confirmed Wednesday local pedestrian Brian Jennings, 33, has become obsessed with crossing the street. “At the last intersection, he put a lot of time and effort, relatively speaking, into crossing a street…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Able to derive only a limited amount of self-pleasure from the computer-generated image of Facebook’s founder and CEO, social media users confirmed Wednesday that a deepfake video of Mark Zuckerberg currently circulating online was just barely good enough to masturbate to. “The video isn’t terrible, and…Read more...

Among the dozens of video game journalists covering this year’s E3 was a, let’s just say surprising, face: Kevin Pereira, a long-forgotten G4 correspondent, was seen still producing a remote segment on 2012’s convention.Read more...

NEW YORK—Her hands shaking as she dialed several numbers written on a piece of paper in an effort to get in touch with the goons she had hired, a panicking Taylor Swift reportedly realized Wednesday that it was too late to call off the assassination of Katy Perry after her longtime rival made a peace offering. “Shit,…Read more...

Prepare for a mind-blowing experience, gamers, because we have something that is almost certainly big news coming out of E3. Apparently, Hideo Kojima has surprised everyone by showing up to the conference, and he’s teasing what we have to assume is new Death Stranding information by running around dressed as a…Read more...

SEATTLE—Pointing out the excessive use of thematic patterns in the assailant’s modus operandi, authorities told reporters Wednesday that the serial killer terrorizing the area was clearly gunning for the nickname the Parking Lot Butcher. “So far, the bodies have all been found wrapped in waxed paper and dumped in…Read more...

George R.R. Martin is collaborating with FromSoftware, the creators of the Dark Souls series, to write the story of Elden Ring, a new action-RPG set in a fantasy universe. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—The American Museum of Natural History announced Wednesday the acquisition of Kyle, a unique specimen of a third-grade human male, who was discovered wandering the museum late Tuesday. “We are pleased to announce that we have acquired Kyle, an excellent example of a 9-year-old early-21st-century male human,…Read more...

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TULLAHOMA, TN—Emphasizing a simpler, more plainspoken approach to sexually abusing minors, a local evangelical minister told reporters Tuesday his church peels away all the extravagance and ostentation historically associated with molestations in the Roman Catholic faith. “You don’t need all these elaborate costumes…Read more...

The Justice Department has agreed to provide Congress with key evidence collected by Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation connected to President Trump’s potential obstruction of justice. What do you think?Read more...

ARCADIA, CA—Following numerous complaints from lawmakers and animal rights groups, Santa Anita Park horse track officials announced Tuesday that they will immediately stop allowing bets on all upcoming horse deaths. “We have listened closely to your concerns, and that is why, as of now, we will no longer let…Read more...

DES MOINES, IA—Expressing glee with a series of yelps and shrieks, local drooling imbecile Andrew Gardner was giddily rocking back and forth in delight Tuesday while watching the official Arby’s account clap back at Burger King on Twitter. “Ahahahaha!!! Arby’s didn’t come to play! Epic burn!!!” said the…Read more...

With this year’s E3 nearly wrapping up, it’s safe to say some attendees are already getting nostalgic for the feelings of watching a week of jaw-dropping reveals and game demos. For those folks, the convention’s organizers just unveiled a must-have piece of swag: A “Con Funk”-scented candle that perfectly replicates…Read more...

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MARYVILLE, TN—In an emergency press conference held to share the blockbuster announcement before it could be leaked to the media, casual dining chain Ruby Tuesday went public this morning with a formal request for everyone to come on down to Ruby Tuesday. “We are hereby distributing the plain and simple message to all…Read more...

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Barack and Michelle Obama have signed a podcast deal to produce content for streaming giant Spotify, touting it as a chance to “foster productive dialogue, make people smile, and make people think.” What do you think?Read more...

One of the more exciting announcements from Microsoft’s E3 press conference was that developer FromSoftware has partnered with famed author Eric Carle for an epic new game titled The Hunger, which will take place in an expansive world of very hungry caterpillars.Read more...

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Video game fans and developers flocked to the industry’s largest convention this week for four days of tantalizing trailers, gameplay demonstrations, and previews of the next generation of consoles. What do you think?Read more...

Contradicting the long-held belief on the relative healthiness of meats like poultry, a new study found that white meat raises an individual’s cholesterol just as rapidly as red meat. What do you think?Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Calling it the ultimate measure of a professional basketball coach’s worth, NBA commentators confirmed Monday that Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr was ultimately not enough of an insufferable prick to be really considered an all-time great coach. “Sure, Kerr’s had a few great seasons, but…Read more...

Microsoft unveiled its new Xbox console, Project Scarlett, at E3 this weekend, releasing many details about the next-gen gaming system. OGN provides insight into everything we know about Xbox’s Project Scarlett.Read more...