The Onion

PLEASANTVILLE, NY—Expressing consternation that law enforcement officials remained oblivious to his insinuations, New York Times puzzle editor Will Shortz expressed frustration Tuesday that police had yet to crack the patterns of hints and droll clues in his taunting crossword puzzles which reveal the locations of 40…Read more...

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SAN BERNARDINO, CA—Admitting that she never imagined she would ever have to make such a difficult decision regarding the well-being of her infant, struggling single mother Libby Hartman, 26, disclosed Tuesday that she was seriously considering putting her baby up for audition. “I’ve tried almost everything, but money…Read more...

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BEIJING—Explaining that they wanted some nice pictures of everyone for posterity’s sake, officials within China’s Ministry of Public Security asked the entire nation to pose Tuesday while millions of government security cameras took photographs. “Okay, everyone, hold still and give us a smile!” said a booming voice…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Unexpectedly ceding the championship to the Boston Bruins without getting to play a single game, the St. Louis Blues announced Monday that they have been forced to forfeit the Stanley Cup after exhausting their annual travel budget. “This is our bad. The owners have been tightening their belts and we just…Read more...

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi declared victory after a reelection campaign that saw the right-wing nationalist garner over 60% of the vote. What do you think?Read more...

NORFOLK, VA—In an unexpected change of course that sent shockwaves across the animal-rights-activist community, a sudden sexual awakening experienced by PETA president Ingrid Newkirk led to her announcement Monday that being kept in a tiny cage all day “actually sounds hot as hell.” “This is obviously a new…Read more...

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VIENNA, AUSTRIA—Citing the bright, warm color’s steady decline in popularity over several decades, the International Commission on Illumination published a report Monday announcing plans to begin phasing out orange from the visible spectrum. “It’s a classic color, but after thorough consideration, we’ve decided it’s…Read more...

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Ed Sheeran announced his new album, No.6 Collaborations Project, a collection of new tracks created with numerous guest collaborators, including Chance the Rapper, PnB Rock, and Justin Bieber. What do you think?Read more...

CASA PADRE, TX—Saying the incident was so long ago that he had difficulty recalling the girl’s face, ICE agent Ed Thornton couldn’t believe he was being reprimanded Friday for a child who died months ago. “I accidentally killed this toddler, like, six months ago, but literally all my coworkers have had kids die during…Read more...

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In a shakeup to their U.S. menu, McDonald’s plans to begin selling offerings from around the globe, including the Stroopwafel McFlurry from the Netherlands, the Grand McExtreme Bacon Burger from Spain, and Australia’s Cheesy Bacon Fries. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—In what authorities are calling the largest underground anthropomorphic-monster-breeding bust in several decades, the Chicago Police Department freed over 2,000 Southpaws Friday from an illegal White Sox mascot mill on the city’s southwest side. “We received repeated complaints from locals who mentioned…Read more...

Looks like Super Mario Maker 2 is going to be even more awesome than we first thought: Nintendo just announced that the sequel to their wildly popular 2015 world-building game will finally give users the ability to construct a synagogue so that Mario can get a Bar Mitzvah.Read more...

DALLAS—Finally realizing why he’d been getting so many funny looks and odd comments since leaving the house in the morning, financial analyst Christian Metz was mortified Friday to discover he had been wearing his suit backwards all day. “Oh my God, how long have my slacks, shirt, vest, and suit jacket been on…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Experiencing an existential crisis after comparing accomplishments, a depressed LeBron James, 34, realized Monday that at his age Nicolaus Copernicus was already developing his groundbreaking theory of heliocentrism. “Jesus, all my life up to this point has just been playing basketball, when in his early…Read more...

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Clothing store Urban Outfitters will introduces a service called Nuuly where, for $88 dollars per month, a customer can rent six items of clothes to wear and return. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Working at a clip only slightly faster than usual, a team of professional songwriters spent a half hour banging out a new song that will define local teenager Destiny Cibula’s personality for the next two years, sources reported Thursday. “All right, let’s wrap this one up and get to lunch,” a 47-year-old…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In response to the actress’s denial that the two had ever been romantically involved, musician Moby posted a long-range, blurry photo taken through a window to his Instagram page Thursday as proof that he is currently dating Natalie Portman. “Many people have taken umbrage with the characterization of the…Read more...

TABRIZ, IRAN—In a find of enormous significance for the international geological and anthropologic communities, a team of geologists has announced the discovery of a slab of amber containing a perfectly preserved Adam and Eve. “This is an incredible and singular find, as there are very few reliable records indicating…Read more...

SPRINGDALE, AR—Announcing that the winner would receive a year’s supply of their frozen poultry products killed in their method of choosing, Tyson Foods unveiled a contest Thursday to let fans submit new ideas for torturing chickens to death. “We know our fans love expressing themselves as much as they love chicken…Read more...

Japan has begun testing the ALFA-X, a next-generation bullet train with an aerodynamic nose capable of hitting a maximum speed of 248 mph, making it the fastest train of its type in the world. What do you think?Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Describing his process for bringing the assassin character to life, Keanu Reeves explained to reporters Thursday how he prepared for the title role in John Wick: Chapter 3—Parabellum by acting in the two previous John Wick movies. “I realized very early on in the development stages of John Wick 3 that the…Read more...

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Rage 2 is out now, giving gamers the chance to shoot, splatter, and slice our way through hordes of mutants on the path to saving the world. Excited? Then here are the Onion Gamers Network’s tips for braving the game’s dystopian wastelands.Read more...

ORLANDO, FL—In an effort to respect the privacy of the world-famous star, considerate Disney World guest Eric Daniels decided Thursday that, despite being a huge fan of Mickey Mouse’s movies and TV shows, he would not approach the anthropomorphic spokesrodent for a picture. “More than anything, I wanted to introduce…Read more...

Twenty-five employees have filed sexual harassment charges against McDonald’s, describing accusations of sexual harassment, lewd comments, and retaliation on the job. What do you think?Read more...

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CHICAGO—Though she has spent years learning to accept that she is a worthwhile person with a lot to offer, area 28-year-old Ashley Connell was reportedly forced to start completely from scratch in her attempts to cultivate self-love Wednesday upon seeing a photograph in which her nose looked a little bit weird. “Oh,…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Plunged into an abyss of forlorn longing by the sight of a days-old grease stain on his kitchen counter, local man Sean Richardson confessed Wednesday that he still chances across painful reminders of a long-gone but much-loved hoagie around his apartment. “God, I can’t take two steps in the kitchen…Read more...

After a lengthy rollout since its initial 2018 release, Red Dead Online finally exited beta last week, giving fans a reason to dive back into the game’s untamed Wild West alongside other cowboys. The open-world multiplayer definitely offers a vast and exciting frontier to explore, but it’s an experience that…Read more...

NEW YORK—Devoting thousands of words to what he called “one of the major issues facing Americans today,” New York Times op-ed writer David Brooks decried what he viewed as the incivility of modern plumbing Wednesday after tripping on his own feet and falling headfirst into a toilet. “I was struck recently by an…Read more...

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PHILADELPHIA—Declaring that they “wouldn’t want to be him right now,” teammates of unathletic outfielder Brett Golliver, son of Coach Bo, confirmed Wednesday that he was going to get fucking reamed out after the game for dropping a routine fly ball in the sixth inning. “Oh my God, it went right through his hands. That…Read more...

Noise-canceling headphones are increasingly popular, but many people think they’re not worth the purchase. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of buying noise-canceling headphones.Read more...

BOONVILLE, MO—Noting that his 28-year-old relative was apparently comfortable making his predilections known to the world at large, local account executive Conner Burke observed Wednesday that his cousin Bradley was “going all-in” on retweeting porn stars over the last few months. “When I started following him on…Read more...

Pop star Britney Spears may never perform again due to health and family issues, according to her longtime manager Larry Rudolph. What do you think?Read more...

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It makes sense that Square Enix has kept their Final Fantasy VII reimagining tightly under wraps. But with the recent “State Of Play” teaser trailer and a few key leaks, we’re finally hearing some details about this highly anticipated remake. Here’s what we know so far about the Final Fantasy VII remake.Read more...

After eight seasons of critically acclaimed high-fantasy drama, HBO’s Game Of Thrones capped off its final season this Sunday. What do you think?Read more...

HAMMOND, IN—Saying Dressbarn’s sudden closure had left her bereft of stylish-yet-modest clothing options, local mom Susan Bell reportedly guessed Tuesday that she’ll just have to go shop with all those sluts over at Chico’s now. “I hope I don’t catch the clap rubbing elbows with all those Chico’s tramps while I’m…Read more...

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Ever since Anthem was released in February, players have been slamming BioWare and EA because the repetitive gameplay and lackluster story fell well short of expectations. This is sadly in line with a disturbing trend in gaming, where players criticize developers based on their own ideal version of the game and not…Read more...