The Onion

SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven total randos had been found dead. “All seven were discovered last night within a few miles of each other, leading investigators to just go, um, what?” said Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling…Read more...

CLEVELAND—In a devastatingly sad overestimation of his influence in the professional world, local father Bruce Tenety, 54, expressed the heartbreaking belief Monday that his connections could help his son Justin, a recent college graduate, find a job. “You know, I actually have a friend in the media business, and if…Read more...

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Claiming their responsibility to protect the lives of visitors and employees outweighs any potential inconvenience, officials announced Monday that Yosemite National Park would be closed indefinitely following a confirmed black bear sighting in the park’s Hodgdon Meadow region. “We’ve made an…Read more...

THEONION.COM—Remarking with equal parts surprise and delight that of all the news stories in the world, you started reading this one, sources couldn’t help but wonder what a pretty little lady like you was doing hanging around an article like this. According to experts, you should probably just run along back to the…Read more...

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The U.S. has dropped from 16th to 22nd place in the Corruption Perceptions Index due to eroding norms and trust in its institutions, placing it ahead of the UAE and behind France. What do you think?Read more...

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AUSTIN, TX—Marking the end of the nearly four-hour televised event, Super Bowl party attendees confirmed Sunday that it is now the part of the night where everyone just sort of goes around and remembers which commercials they liked. “I loved the one with the celebrities who showed up as their most memorable…Read more...

ATLANTA—Promising that he would go to bed “right after” the game ended, Rams head coach Sean McVay begged his mother to let him stay up Sunday night so he can call plays for the rest of Super Bowl LIII. “C’mon, Mom, just one more hour! Pretty please! We’re so close, I can’t just pause the game now,” said McVay,…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Disappointing the thousands of fans in attendance as well as an estimated 100 million viewers watching at home, the Super Bowl LII halftime show was marred Sunday by the stadium’s functioning sound system, sources confirmed. “Right from the beginning, the sound was working normally, and unfortunately, I could…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Claiming that he had been looking forward to the gathering, Rams quarterback Jared Goff told reporters Sunday that he was totally pissed about missing his friend’s annual Super Bowl party for work. “Dan’s Super Bowl parties are always the best. He has a huge TV and springs for really good beer—it’s such…Read more...

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ATLANTA—Begging for mercy while watching his arms wither and skin wrinkle, a rapidly aging Tom Brady cried out for an old crone Sunday as her spell began to wear off in the middle of Super Bowl LIII. “Please, wicked conjurer of misfortune, don’t do this to me now, all I ask is for another quarter of precious youth,”…Read more...

ATLANTA—Shouting “touchdown!” while pushing the Patriots’ tight end along the sidelines, nurse Miranda Silva told a wheelchair-bound, concussed Rob Gronkowski Sunday that he was at the Super Bowl with all his friends. “Look, it’s your friend Tom! Your remember Tom, right? And Bill is here, too, Bill is your coach,”…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Noting that their youth would likely be a major factor in determining the outcome of Puppy Bowl XV, analysts noted Sunday that the inexperienced players on Team Ruff still hadn’t opened their eyes yet. “It’s hard to see how Team Ruff is going to be able to compete with Team Fluff given that its puppies lack…Read more...

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A University of Calgary study found that children from ages 2-5 who engage in three or more hours of screen use daily suffer lower test scores, a finding that the authors linked to diminished interactions with the environment and caregivers. What do you think?Read more...

A recent study found that the majority of parents rely on cold-prevention strategies that have little to no scientific support. The Onion debunks popular myths about preventing colds.Read more...

SANTA ROSA, CA—Admitting the man standing on the ledge of the roof had really “got them good,” the crowd gathered at Santa Rosa Plaza admitted to reporters Friday they felt pretty silly after spending all that time pleading with a rooftop sniper not to jump. “Boy, do I feel stupid for telling that guy he had so much…Read more...

Former Georgia gubernatorial candidate Stacey Abrams will give the rebuttal to President Trump’s State of the Union address next week. What do you think?Read more...

MILTON, WI—Saying that she was still adjusting to the physical aftereffects of her difficult childbirth, new mother Tina Quinn admitted Friday she was still a bit self-conscious about the scar where Skyler, her healthy 7-pound, 8-ounce newborn, punched his way out of her stomach. “I know it’s kind of a silly thing to…Read more...

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An estimate from the CBO found that the recent shutdown cost the U.S. economy roughly $11 billion by dampening economic activity and furloughing federal workers. What do you think?Read more...

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ZHENGZHOU, CHINA—According to sources within the facility responsible for manufacturing the majority of iPhones, Foxconn’s first fully automated assembly-line robot immediately attempted suicide after being powered up Thursday. “Unfortunately, the new robot we designed to assemble Apple products tried to take its own…Read more...

SANTA ROSA, CA—In a troubling study released by the California Parenting Institute on Thursday, behavioral experts found convincing evidence indicating that the excessive use of cell phones, computers, and other devices greatly increases a child’s risk of becoming an influencer. “Our research strongly suggests that…Read more...

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ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In what economists are calling a “significant infusion of cash” for the three-bedroom duplex, area parents Kevin and Elaine Broward have pumped $66 dollars into the economy of a local apartment, sources confirmed Thursday. “We expect this stimulus to be a real boon to household spending, with tenants…Read more...

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Polar winds are bringing historic cold to the midwest this week, with Chicago expected to reach as low as -20º fahrenheit for the first time since the mid-1990s. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Once more breathing life into the countless rumors and fan theories that have swirled since the series began, HBO released a new Game Of Thrones trailer Wednesday that suggests the eighth and final season will at long last reveal the identity of the hit show’s sword-covered chair. “We’re excited to finally…Read more...

BELLEVUE, WA—As a result of a coverage extension the wireless provider was calling a “game-changer” for their customers, T-Mobile officials announced Wednesday that their service will now reach up to 70 percent of your apartment. “You spoke up, and we listened. We’re pleased to confirm that T-Mobile will provide even…Read more...

After a dramatic pre-dawn arrest by the FBI, political consultant Roger Stone indicated that he is open to cooperating with Robert Mueller in the ongoing probe of the Trump campaign. What do you think?Read more...

HUDSON, NY—Expressing shock to find himself in a situation from the silver screen, local man Kevin Perry revealed Wednesday that his wife had died from stage-3 lymphoma just like in a Hollywood movie. “Man oh man, look at little old me, recently bereaved and struggling with a deep sense of loss like I’m smack dab out…Read more...

Super Bowl LIII will pit AFC champion New England Patriots against NFC champion Los Angeles Rams to determine whether Patriots fans can find it within themselves to get even more fucking obnoxious. The Onion takes a look at the key storylines for each team leading up to the big game.Read more...

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U.S. and Taliban peace talks have produced a tentative agreement, which would see a pullout of American troops in exchange for a ceasefire and talks with the Afghan government that could potentially bring an end to America’s longest war. What do you think?Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that this week’s extreme wind chills were starting to get to her, Minnesota resident Anne Mauer confirmed Tuesday that she’s seriously thinking of packing it all up and moving somewhere warm like Michigan. “The winters here can be so brutal. Maybe it’s about time I go someplace down south like…Read more...

ATLANTA—Calling the correspondence enlightening and a “window into his mind,” Rams head coach Sean McVay told reporters Tuesday that Bill Belichick occasionally texted him photos of dead animals after regular season games. “It’s always great when a legend like coach Belichick reaches out to you with a picture of a…Read more...

DENVER, CO—Finding themselves unable to explain the mystery woman’s presence in the lunchroom, grade-school sources confirmed Tuesday that older cafeteria monitor Esther Lowry was not a teacher or parent or anything. “Mrs. Makings volunteers in our classroom sometimes because she’s Josh’s mom, but Mrs. Lowry is here…Read more...

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Sony Pictures is planning a direct sequel to the 1984 science-fiction comedy Ghostbusters, ignoring the 2016 all-female reboot. What do you think?Read more...