by The Onion on (#3Z49V)
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The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-07-01 13:17 |
by The Onion on (#3Z49W)
WHEATON, IL—In a development that has thrown 6,000 years of peer-reviewed genealogy into disarray, scriptural researchers from Wheaton College released the results of a biblical study Wednesday that they say offers definitive proof that Methushael, son of Mehujael, did not in fact beget Lamech. “This discovery will…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3Z403)
SACRAMENTO, CA—After learning that the object of his desire was interested in other females, local man Dave Callan told reporters Wednesday that he had puzzled over whether she’s the type of lesbian who only dates other women or the kind that dates men, too. “Amy’s a lesbian—I know—but we really vibed the other night,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Z3TV)
Sixty years after he began performing, Paul McCartney has put out his 18th solo album, a song cycle entitled Egypt Station. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3Z2DV)
SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Z299)
Salesforce founder Marc Benioff purchased Time magazine for $190 million, continuing the trend of tech titans buying major media companies. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3Z20R)
PITTSBURGH—Breaking down while discussing the horrible condition behind his absence, an emotional Le’Veon Bell revealed to reporters Tuesday that his ongoing holdout was a result of forgetting how to run. “People are attacking me, saying this is about greed or ego, but the truth is I’ve completely blanked on how to…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3Z1WG)
JOHTO—Cruelly tantalized by the dream of life in the green and plentiful land just beyond his reach, video game character Ethan spent countless processor cycles Tuesday staring impotently at the forbidden realm stretching out beyond the line of impassable waist-high bushes at his feet. “All my powers, all my…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Z1PS)
INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Saying the groundbreaking discovery could potentially silence even their fiercest critics, scientists at Indiana University’s School of Medicine announced Tuesday that they had almost developed a life-saving vaccine that they could rub in the faces of all their doubters. “This injection, once it is…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3Z1PT)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3Z1PV)
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Z1PW)
London Mayor Sadiq Khan has called for a second public vote on Brexit because of the government’s failure to strike a deal with Brussels, saying that people “didn’t vote to leave the EU to make themselves poorer.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3Z00J)
WILMINGTON, NC—In an effort to provide aid to those affected by the devastating weather event, FEMA representatives confirmed Monday the completion of their mission to airdrop emergency cyanide pills for residents stranded by Hurricane Florence. “We’ve spared no expense in making sure the residents of these areas are…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YZN0)
HONOLULU—Offering new insights into the vast expanses of water that make up nearly three quarters of the planet’s surface, marine biologists at the Hawaii Oceanographic Institute announced Monday that the majority of the world’s oceans remain boring as shit. “Even after centuries of human exploration and study, more…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YZN1)
Speaking at The Economist’s Global Forum, Steve Bannon said he thinks Time’s Up is “the single most powerful potential political movement in the world†and believes it has even greater potential in the corporate sphere. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YZGP)
MENLO PARK, CA—In what industry observers are calling an unprecedented liquidation of soft assets, a cash-strapped Mark Zuckerberg announced Monday that, following a precipitous drop in the value of the social media site’s stock, he had no choice but to to sell off 11 million Facebook users. “It’s a shame it had to…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YZ6M)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3YZ6N)
LOS ANGELES—Calling themselves “practically family†now, Luke and Owen Wilson fondly recalled Monday the first time they met while on the set of Wes Anderson’s 2001 film The Royal Tenenbaums. “I’d always heard about how great Luke was from Wes [Anderson], but it wasn’t until we were finally introduced that I knew he…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YZ6P)
Fast food chain White Castle will sell a new slider made entirely from the plant-based Impossible Burger for $1.99. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YT9X)
Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort reached an agreement with the special counsel’s office to head off further prosecution in exchange for cooperation. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YT17)
PASADENA, CA—In a development hailed by leading sexual behaviorists as a “giant leap forward†in the field of erotomolecular biology, imaging scientists at the California Institute of Technology announced Friday they have completed the decades-long project of mapping the human G-spot. “Today, we have finally…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YSWK)
PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,†mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at this…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3YSWN)
The 70th Primetime Emmy Awards, hosted by Michael Che and Colin Jost, will honor a combination of good and bad things that were on television from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for this year’s winners.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YSWP)
DUBUQUE, IA—Noting his decades of teaching experience and keen eye for talent, East Dubuque High School drama teacher David Vargo already has a pretty good idea who he’ll pick to be this fall’s girlfriend. “There were so many strong contenders this year, so it took me a while to narrow it down, but at the end of the…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YSWQ)
TEHRAN, IRAN—Expressing consternation and disgust at the Man Booker Prize winner’s latest offering, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei issued a second fatwa against Salman Rushdie Friday for publishing a derivative and uninspired 13th novel, The Golden House. “This book is not only an affront to Allah, but also to any reader of…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YSQP)
TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the ordeal both “hilarious†and “classic Trevor,†representatives from Florida State’s Sigma Chi fraternity confirmed Friday that its brothers had drawn all over a pledge who passed away at a party. “Dude, Trev totally deserved to get fucked with because he passed away, like, super early last…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YSQQ)
Pope Francis brought the world’s bishops to the Vatican this week to discuss protecting children from sexual abuse by clergy. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YR4F)
WASHINGTON—In celebration of the massive contributions made by America’s unsung couture heroes, the Smithsonian Institution’s National Museum Of American History opened a new exhibition Thursday chronicling the struggles of prêt-à -pioneers as they tamed the frumpy West. “These early fashionistas were true…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YR0N)
Newly revealed documents show the Trump administration took nearly $10 million away from FEMA and other agencies to pay for immigration detention centers. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YQWZ)
GREENVILLE, NC—As the massive, potentially life-threatening storm began to make landfall in the Carolinas Thursday morning, officials from the Federal Emergency Management Agency were reportedly panicking after realizing they accidentally evacuated 1 million residents in the direction of Hurricane Florence. “Oh God,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YQS6)
MESA, AZ—Disgusted by the gross misuse of resources, concerned citizen and self-described patriot Andrew Beardsley voiced his anger Thursday concerning the thousands of refugee children currently occupying prison cells that could be used to incarcerate real Americans. “It makes me sick to think of these freeloading…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YQS7)
VATICAN CITY—In response to criticism of his handling of the Catholic Church’s ongoing child sex abuse scandal, Pope Francis instructed reporters Thursday to just tell him whose feet he needs to wash. “Look, just let me know whose feet I need to wash so we can fix this,†said His Holiness, gesturing toward a bucket…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YQS8)
HOLDEN, MO—Having attempted numerous variations of color combinations and application techniques over the last two decades with only poor results to show for the effort, local woman Jessica Greenwald told reporters Thursday that she’s starting to worry that she just has the type of face where makeup looks completely…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YQMA)
BAKERSFIELD, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in California in which a lone attacker killed six individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3YQMB)
Awards season is here, with a variety of biopics, prestige dramas, and politically charged movies vying to join the long list of wildly overrated Oscar winners. The Onion presents a guide to the most anticipated films of fall 2018.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YQMC)
MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YQF7)
Apple released three new iPhones at their Wednesday keynote, including a supersized 6.5-inch phone, while doing away with the home button entirely. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YQA7)
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by The Onion on (#3YNP3)
CUPERTINO, CA—Expressing fear that the Silicon Valley giant may be running out of ideas, the nation’s Apple fans expressed disappointment Wednesday after the company once again unveiled the exact same overpriced CEO that barely fucking works. “I’ve come to expect a certain degree of innovation from Apple, but now they…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YN7Z)
Over a million residents of the Carolinas and Virginia have been ordered to evacuate in anticipation of Hurricane Florence. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YN2H)
CUPERTINO, CA—Saying the new policy was part of the company’s unwavering commitment to consumer relations, Apple announced Wednesday an unprecedented offer that will allow its customers to trade in their old iPhones and, in return, receive absolutely nothing. “If you’re a member of the Apple community with an older…Read more...
by Daisy on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#3YNCJ)
Hey now, slow your roll there, chief. I don’t know what you think this is, but there’s no way in hell that you’re dating my little angel until you tell me which ‘Sailor Moon’ character you are first. Now go ahead and get comfortable so we can start this quiz.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3YMXN)
HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,†said Lewis during a brief ceremony in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3YMXP)
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by Daisy on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#3YN2J)
Luke and Owen Wilson may be most well-known for their acting, but a cursory look at their Venmo feeds suggests that they’ve been up to a whole lot more than just movies. Here are seven Venmo transactions that make it seem like the two brothers have been practicing dentistry on each other.Read more...