The Onion

NEW YORK—In a desperate, perhaps final attempt to prevent the earth’s temperatures from rising to catastrophic levels, a last-ditch climate change report issued Tuesday by the U.N. includes nothing more than the whereabouts of top oil executives and directions to secret weapons caches. “For decades, we have failed in…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—Noting that such individuals had repeatedly upset the competition’s balance and atmosphere, Jeopardy! officials announced a permanent ban Tuesday on any obsessive weirdos who ruin the fun by preparing way too much for the show. “Effective immediately, we will be banning anyone who makes things awkward…Read more...

PALATINE, IL—Emphasizing that quality time with his boy was something to savor now because “someday soon he’ll be too big for this kind of thing,” local father Marty Baker spent Tuesday afternoon joyfully throwing his 7-year-old son, Kyler, around the backyard. “Nothing better than getting a little fresh air while…Read more...

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The world of speedruns is a relentless battleground, where the constant one-upping and millisecond time differences can often dull the impressiveness of what you are actually seeing. But yesterday, we saw something that stopped us in our tracks and broke nearly every assumption about one of the most popular genres on…Read more...

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The intellectual property of Sports Illustrated, including the swimsuit issue and Sportsman Of The Year award, will be sold to the Authentic Brands group for $110 million. What do you think?Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Wearily recounting what, at first, seemed to be unrelated stories, a group of tired friends who had found themselves changed for the better over the course of their day met up at Kelly’s Pub Monday evening to discuss their thematically linked, lesson-bearing days. “You know, life is funny. Take Sarah,…Read more...

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CUPERTINO, CA—Bringing to an end weeks of fevered anticipation, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced plans Monday to sell a Power Mac G4 for $120 that can still run Photoshop CS without a hitch. “Today, Apple is proud to announce the sale of a really phenomenal personal computer featuring a 350 MHz processor, 64 MB of ram,…Read more...

The White House has escalated its attacks on climate science with actions like shuttering the study of the Earth’s warming and stripping communinqués of all references to climate change. What do you think?Read more...

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RACINE, WI—Claiming the new product was up to 99.9% effective in just the first 48 hours, Raid introduced a new repellant spray Friday specifically designed to rid living spaces of invasive Lilliputians. “Our proprietary formula will kill every single one of those tiny nuisance humans in mere minutes and completely…Read more...

There’s just something about the Gears Of War series that keeps me coming back. For some fans, it’s the thrill of mowing down enemies with the perfectly designed Lancer; for others, it’s the stickiness of the game’s signature run-and-cover combat mechanics. But what gets me so pumped about the upcoming Gears 5 is that…Read more...

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SALT LAKE CITY—Researchers from the cardiology division of the University of Utah School of Medicine released a new report Monday revealing that consumption of energy drinks can lead to your heart bursting out of your chest and riding away on a tiny skateboard. “Our study found that individuals who ingest just one or…Read more...

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BOSTON—Saying the thought of the beloved home assistant languishing in solitude “completely and utterly broke my heart,” local woman Greta Benson, 36, expressed dismay Monday upon learning that her Google Home had been sitting in her front window and barking at passersby all day. “I got home from work and the…Read more...

J.K. Rowling will release four short Harry Potter e-books next month exploring the history of magic through themes such as “Defence Against the Dark Arts” as well as “Potions and Herbology” alongside never-before-seen sketches and notes from the series’ universe. What do you think?Read more...

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—In the hours following a violent rampage in Virginia in which a lone attacker killed 12 individuals and injured four others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking…Read more...

Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare won’t be in stores until October, but the reboot of the beloved gaming series is already garnering massive praise for the grim, harrowing fun users can have while killing civilians. Ever since developer Infinity Ward released a trailer yesterday, critics have been lauding the game for the…Read more...

CULVER CITY, CA—During an introduction of the show’s game board Friday, grinning Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek reportedly unveiled a series of highly intrusive categories about current champion James Holzhauer’s personal life before snickering, “Let’s see you answer these, James.”Read more...

In an extraordinary admission of foreign interference in the 2016 election, President Trump tweeted that he had nothing to do with Russian efforts that helped him “to get elected” before later contradicting this statement in conversation with reporters. What do you think?Read more...

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THE UPPER REALM—Gasping as a murky, flickering cloud slowly began to engulf the map he had drawn with his staff in the stars above, the aged and wizened fantasy character Astron the Ancient confirmed to reporters Friday that the darkness had finally been awakened, just as the ancestors had foretold. “The Shadow…Read more...

Huge news for Twitch fans everywhere: The streaming platform just announced that they’ll now allow users to broadcast nude as long as everyone promises not to get aroused or do anything weird. That’s right: So long as all 15 million users agree they won’t get turned on by this change, it looks like the dream of gaming…Read more...

GENEVA—In an effort to fight the persistent threat posed by the potentially fatal infection, the World Health Organization issued a warning Friday about the resurgence of Guinea worm disease after a 150-ton specimen of the Dracunculus medinensis species heaved itself out of the Atlantic Ocean. “We urge Guinea Coast…Read more...

Former Alabama judge Roy Moore is reportedly considering making another bid for the state’s Senate seat despite accusations of dating underage teenagers and warnings from the Republican establishment. What do you think?Read more...

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Investigating a crime scene is a much more complex process than it might appear in its pop-culture examples. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a crime scene investigation works.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Feeling that the scene wasn’t completely necessary to tell the famed musician’s life story, viewers of the Elton John biopic Rocketman told reporters Thursday they were not entirely convinced the film needed to include a 45-minute scene depicting Princess Diana’s death. “I understand she was a close friend…Read more...

NEW YORK—Overcome with a swell of emotion while recalling the final words of Arizona senator John McCain, a tearful Meghan McCain opened up Thursday about how her late father’s dying wish was for her to be given her own daytime talk show. “My father was a genuine American hero, and it’s only right that we honor his…Read more...

Directly contradicting past stances that blocked Merrick Garland from joining the court, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said this week that he would fill a Supreme Court vacancy in 2020. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the seemingly concerning events actually had a perfectly reasonable explanation, the U.S. government announced Thursday that it had closed the case on investigating recent UFO sightings after determining the crafts were just routine Psylandorian patrol ships. “After following up on…Read more...

The current gaming generation is winding down, which means it’s time for the next war for console supremacy to begin. Here are all the hottest leaks, rumors, and tidbits we’ve heard about Sony’s next-gen PS5.Read more...

HOUSTON—In a last-ditch effort to populate their otherwise empty tables, financially troubled theme restaurant chain Rainforest Cafe introduced tens of thousands of lifelike animatronic patrons to their restaurants Thursday. “We’re excited to announce that the anthropomorphic wildlife, which has been our hallmark…Read more...

Well, Fortnite fans, let’s hope you were logged on this morning, because something epic just went down off the southeast coast of Paradise Palms. After weeks of leaking teasers, Epic Games finally unveiled their latest large-scale virtual experience: At 10 a.m., they hosted a massive in-game seminar where Martin…Read more...

JUPITER, FL—Insisting that he didn’t want to place an undue burden on a group of people who have served him so well, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft released a statement Thursday announcing his plans to take a voluntary leave of absence from the Orchids of Asia Day Spa. “It is incredibly difficult to walk away…Read more...

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HAVERFORD, PA—Revealing the correlation between personal belongings and mental well-being, researchers at Haverford University published a study Thursday confirming that happiness does not measurably increase based on zipline ownership once a family owns seven ziplines. “Conventional wisdom says that the more ziplines…Read more...

Planned Parenthood revealed that Missouri is within days of losing its last remaining health center that provides abortions due to state-level interference. What do you think?Read more...

SAN DIEGO, CA—After waiting in mounting anticipation for nearly an hour only to be duped by an identical marine mammal, audience members voiced their disappointment Thursday in the revelation that the so-called “special guest” appearing at SeaWorld’s sea lion show was, in fact, merely an additional sea lion. “They’ve…Read more...

After serving 17 years of his 20-year sentence, John Walker Lindh, known as the “American Taliban” after his capture in Afghanistan among Taliban soldiers three months after the September 11 attacks, will be released early for good behavior. What do you think?Read more...

BATON ROUGE, LA—Following on the heels of controversial abortion laws enacted by state legislatures across the South, Louisiana lawmakers passed a resolution this week that requires aborted fetuses to be given a full jazz funeral procession through the French Quarter. “While we recognize that women have the right to…Read more...

Heads up, Square Enix fans! If you’ve been waiting to grab a copy of Kingdom Hearts III, now’s your chance because, for the next 30 seconds, it will be available for free while the GameStop clerk is doing something in the back. That’s right: This critically acclaimed action-RPG will be available for a 100% discount,…Read more...

Well, you’re getting to that age. Your body is starting to change, and you may have begun to experience new kinds of feelings you’ve never felt before. I wish I could keep you little forever, but I can’t! It’s not always the easiest thing to talk about, but I want you to know that anytime you have a question about…Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—Reassuring herself that the lump she felt forming between her fleshy mantle and hard outer shell was almost certainly not worth panicking over, a Pemaquid oyster prayed fervently Wednesday that the growth was merely a pearl. “I’m sure this is nothing, but I don’t remember noticing it until the other day,…Read more...

Facial recognition technology has risen in use in various sectors, but its critics argue that it’s being implemented without sufficient consideration of its potential consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of facial recognition technology.Read more...

HINSDALE, IL—Complaining that his unenthusiastic cohort was not even trying to have a good time, avid dogfighting fan Michael Romano confirmed Wednesday that his friend who isn’t that into dogfighting was really ruining the whole match for everyone else. “He just keeps shuffling around the outside of the fighting pit…Read more...