by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HZE2)
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The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
| Feed | https://www.theonion.com/rss |
| Updated | 2026-06-21 02:30 |
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by The Onion on (#4HZ8N)
In an escalation of tensions between the two nations, the U.S. imposed hard-hitting new sanctions on Iran, including on the office of Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, in retaliation for the destruction of an American drone. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4HXK3)
Released by Naughty Dog back in 1999, the original Crash Team Racing has long been considered something of a cult-classic in the kart racer genre. That’s why it was so exciting to hear that we would finally be getting a modern remake. Needless to say, fans of CTR will not be disappointed, as Nitro-Fueled delivers the…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4HXK4)
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by The Onion on (#4HWZS)
In an interview with Chuck Todd, Donald Trump said that Mike Pence would be his running mate in 2020, ruling out speculation on other options. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HWZT)
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by The Onion on (#4HWZW)
LOS ANGELES—Concluding an exhaustive seven-year study of the lives of women in every American demographic, the Aretha Franklin Institute for Female Entrepreneurship concluded Tuesday that sisters are doin’ it for themselves. “After interviewing thousands of mothers, daughters, and their daughters too, the data…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#4HVNS)
White House National Security Adviser John Bolton told Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the U.S. may still order a military strike against Iran. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4HVE8)
It’s an honest-to-god redemption story: After admitting to friends and family that he had developed a serious problem, 32-year-old gaming addict Trevor Osborne revealed this week that he was trying to slowly wean himself off of real life.Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4HV02)
MILWAUKEE, WI—Asserting that the rough-and-tumble style of play he learned on Mount Olympus was the reason he is here today, Giannis Antetokounmpo told reporters Tuesday that he credits his NBA success to his childhood days of playing basketball against Greek gods. “I really honed my skills on the court by squaring…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#4HV03)
Obesity rates among U.S. preschoolers have dropped from 16% in 2010 to 14% this year, offering hope that school dietary changes may have helped curb the health epidemic. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HTT1)
BROOKLYN—Doomed to wander the Earth imprisoned by a complexion requiring both mattifying and hydrating products, sources confirmed Monday that wretched outcast of a woman Hattie Jean was forever trapped between the realms of the dry and the oily due to her accursed combination skin. “No matter where I go, whether…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HTHE)
CINCINNATI—Springing into action within moments of seeing the plastic cup topple over, hero coworker Brian Alvarez contributed a single tissue to the water-spill cleanup efforts at the desk of an officemate, sources at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services stated Monday. Several reports indicated that Alvarez selflessly…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4HTHF)
HOUSTON—Commemorating the veteran big man for the minutes worth of contributions he made to a great Rockets team, Nenê Hilario was honored as the Tenth Man Of The Year at Monday night’s NBA Awards. “Whether he was high-fiving teammates after a timeout or setting a couple ball screens while the starters rested, Nenê…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4HTHG)
WASHINGTON—Fingering a few chords while approaching the lectern at the press conference, the nation’s men holding acoustic guitars announced their plans Monday to idly strum while you try to speak to them. “We believe the best response to any attempt to engage us in conversation is to nod our heads while tinkering…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#4HP7P)
The Trump EPA has rolled out a plan known as the Affordable Clean Energy rule, which will weaken Obama-era regulations and could increase carbon emissions. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HP48)
TULSA, OK—Saying he had almost completely forgotten the longest day of the year was approaching, local resident Phil Garrison suddenly remembered it was the summer solstice Friday after noticing a group of pagans fucking in a ring of fire while walking to work. “Honestly, I hadn’t even thought about the midsummer…Read more...
by Hotels.com on (#4HP0J)
On this episode of Are We Blair Yet?, Onion Travel vlogger Blair Ryleigh shows you how to eat on the cheap in Los Angeles by digging through the dumpsters behind some of the city’s hottest restaurants.Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4HNW3)
HOUSTON—Attempting to set the record straight about reports of a toxic work relationship between the two players, James Harden and Chris Paul publicly denied rumors of discord Friday and reiterated that they remain fully committed to the team at State Farm Insurance. “Things may get heated from time to time, but at…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#4HNCZ)
Federal authorities have seized 165 tons of cocaine with a street value of $1 billion in the Packer Marine Terminal in Philadelphia. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#4HND0)
GENEVA—Calling the literal embrace of high-speed rail traffic “an endemic among pea-brained morons across the country,†the World Health Organization confirmed Friday that attempts at hugging oncoming trains remain the leading cause of death of idiots across the United States. “According to our research, roughly 31%…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4HND1)
This week marks 25 years since The Lion King was released by Disney in 1994, and over that time the animated film became a cultural sensation that spawned a media empire. The Onion looks back at The Lion King on its 25th anniversary.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4HN80)
NEW YORK—Dressed completely in black outfits accessorized only with ornate brooches, the nation’s fashion designers announced plans Friday to wave with both hands and bow slightly at the end of their fashion shows. “We’re well-pleased to continue standing at the end of the catwalk with vaguely mysterious smiles on our…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HN81)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4HN82)
DERBY, KS—Speculating that the sad former star was probably just attempting to relive his glory days, several sources told reporters Friday that Little League coach Mark Clancy, 27, was nothing but a washed-up former Little Leaguer. “Look at him out there acting like he’s this big deal. This guy hasn’t been in the…Read more...
by OnionNews on Sports, shared by OnionNews to The On on (#4HM3K)
BROOKLYN, NY—Nervously pacing and muttering under their breath after having their draft board completely blown up, the New York Knicks front office was scrambling Thursday after the Pelicans drafted Zion Williamson before they could take him with the third overall pick. “We were so sure that Zion was going to fall to…Read more...
by OnionNews on (#4HM19)
Nearly half the world’s electricity will come from renewable energy by midcentury as costs of wind, solar and battery storage continue to plummet, according to a report from Bloomberg. What do you think?Read more...
by OnionNews on (#4HKXZ)
WASHINGTON—Addressing the future casualties in a somber and often-emotional press conference, John Bolton told reporters Thursday that a war with Iran was the only way to avenge Americans killed in an upcoming war with Iran. “Sadly, I believe direct military conflict with Iran is the only suitable response for the…Read more...
by The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The O on (#4HKTE)
Nintendo just let slip a huge piece of Mario lore! During this week’s Nintendo Direct, CEO Doug Bowser confirmed for the first time that the world’s favorite Italian plumber always comes back to life after he dies due to both Heaven and Hell rejecting his soul.Read more...
by The Onion on (#4HKP8)
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by The Onion on (#4HKDQ)
ARLINGTON, VA—Calling the new financial system the “future†of digital caramel assets, Nestlé unveiled a new Rolos-based cryptocurrency Thursday exclusively for Rolos customers. “If you enjoy the deliciously sweet experience of eating a Rolos rolled chocolate candy, then you will love our latest foray into blockchain…Read more...
Exhilarated Woman Discovers Last Person Who Used Jigsaw Puzzle Left Lots Of Pieces Sticking Together
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HKDR)
SAN FRANCISCO—Emphasizing that a few pieces are even from a difficult single-color section comprising “practically nothing but empty blue sky,†Caitlin Roth, 34, was exhilarated Thursday to discover that the previous person to use the jigsaw puzzle at her Airbnb had left “a ton†of pieces sticking together. “Holy…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#4HK9D)
The Hunger Games author Suzanne Collins is writing a prequel to the series set 64 years before the beginning of the rebellion in her bestselling trilogy. What do you think?Read more...
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by OnionNews on (#4HK9E)
WAUKEE, IA—Ever since he fell down a portal to the underworld while playing in a field behind his grandparents’ house, residents of a small town in central Iowa have been racing against the clock to save 8-year-old Joey Fletcher, who sources confirmed is currently trapped in hell.Read more...
by OnionNews on (#4HK9F)
POOLE, UK—Touting their new product as “the absolute latest and best in skin-rejuvenation solutions,†UK-based cosmetics retailer Lush unveiled Thursday a new line of anti-aging Youthful Maiden BloodBombs. “Our new BloodBombs are formulated from only the purest virgin’s blood and are guaranteed to infuse your skin…Read more...
by OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Oni on (#4HK9G)
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by The Onion on (#4HHGK)
A growing proportion of Americans—56%— believe abortion should be legal, according to an NBC poll, rising from 49% in 2008. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4HH4K)
AUSTIN, TX—Growing increasingly more distressed as he pleaded with authorities, Alex Jones was reportedly struggling to convince skeptical police Tuesday night that he witnessed an actual murder in his neighbor’s backyard. “Sure, yeah, Mr. Jones, you saw some guy stabbing his wife through your back window,†said…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4HH0E)
NEW YORK—Speculating that there were probably dozens of people out there who had a handle on the situation, U.N. Secretary General António Guterres assumed Wednesday that someone was already doing something about the one million Uighur Muslims currently detained in Chinese internment camps in Xinjiang Province. “I…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HGVW)
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by The Onion on ClickHole, shared by The Onion to The on (#4HH8H)
If you needed a little pick-me-up today, you should know that one of television’s most beloved personalities just went out of his way to inspire the next generation to follow their dreams: David Attenborough just told a class of second-graders that any of them could one day grow up to stare at animals and describe…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4HGVX)
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by The Onion on (#4HGPQ)
OMAHA, NE—Encouraging his circle of close friends and family members to imagine the freedom of making money as their own boss in the growing field of personal beauty products, billionaire investor Warren Buffett hosted a party Wednesday to inform his colleagues about the exciting investment opportunities he had…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4HGHY)
A recent federal study stated there’s a case to be made for young Americans to participate in a period of mandatory national service, not necessarily in the military, adding fuel to a long-debated policy idea. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of mandatory national service.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4HGHZ)
IOWA CITY, IA—Deliberately marshaling the last of her patience with the half-naked preschooler in the hopes of reaching a peaceful resolution, babysitter Rachel Cullman entered into the third hour of negotiations Tuesday to get 4-year-old Caden Foley to put his pants back on as the window before his bedtime drew ever…Read more...