The Onion

LOS ANGELES—According to terrified witnesses, the whole boardroom of Capstone Marketing Insights began to quake violently Friday as CEO Matt Petersen’s eyes turned an inky black and his voice dropped an octave while announcing a new, video-centered vision for the company. Calling it a “necessary pivot” and “an…Read more...

CARTERET, NJ—Saying the longtime warehouse associate blatantly disregarded company protocol regarding permitted inhalation, Amazon spokespeople confirmed the firing of one Thomas Gilman for taking an unauthorized breath during an overnight shift Friday. “We run a tight ship at this [Amazon] fulfillment center, and we…Read more...

Stephen Hawking’s final paper “A Smooth Exit From Eternal Inflation?” was recently published in the Journal of High Energy Physics, detailing the nature of the cosmos and the immediate consequence of the big bang. What do you think?Read more...

CINCINNATI—Admitting they were unable to confirm their product had not been contaminated, supermarket chain Kroger recalled 35,000 pounds of ground beef Thursday that may contain traces of its chief executive officer. “As some consumers have noticed particles of our chief executive officer Rodney McMullen in the meat,…Read more...

In a TMZ interview with the controversial rapper, Kanye West revealed that he believes slavery was a choice, telling his interviewer, “when you hear about slavery for 400 years...for 400 years? That sounds like a choice.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to the Boy Scouts’ decision to open up their organization to all genders, the Girl Scouts of America officially announced Thursday that they’ll never ever let any gross-ass fucking boys in. “The Girls Scouts remain dedicated to raising the next generation of America’s women leaders, and as such,…Read more...

CHICAGO—As part of an effort to boost attendance by offering a more up-close-and-personal experience, the Chicago White Sox announced a new promotion Thursday that puts the first nine fans arriving at the ballpark in the starting lineup. “Starting next week, we will bring down several lucky fans for a…Read more...

As if diplomatic relations between the United States and North Korea couldn’t get any more complicated, today’s new wrinkle comes along and adds a whole new complexity to the equation: Kim Jong-un is letting President Trump choose between the return of three American hostages or a mysterious box that could have…Read more...

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A recent upsurge in youth activism in the U.S. and other countries has led lawmakers to consider the proposal to lower the voting age from 18 to 16, but many people are against extending the vote to even younger people. The Onion presents the pros and cons of lowering the voting age.Read more...

HOUSTON—Touting the garment as a stylish alternative for the gentleman on the go, Men’s Wearhouse announced Thursday it would be adding a new line of clip-on trousers for guys who never learned to put on pants. “These attractive, high-quality trousers clip easily to your shirt for a convenient, no-fuss pants-wearing…Read more...

Legendary guitar maker Gibson, whose brands include Les Paul and SG, filed for bankruptcy due to its $500 million debt in the hopes of refocusing on its core guitar-making business. What do you think?Read more...

Since 1950, the Korean peninsula has been torn apart by war, with the threat of violent conflict constantly looming on both sides of the demilitarized zone. But now, North and South Korea have finally decided to put their differences aside, and the two countries are already taking massive strides to build a new and…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Insisting that the legal, centuries-long practice of slavery in America could never have limited his personal or artistic ambitions, Kanye West stated Wednesday that if he had been born into captivity, he would have simply escaped the plantation on his motorcycle “the first chance [he] got.” “If that slave…Read more...

Mark Zuckerberg announced plans to add a Tinder-style dating service to its mobile app later this year, noting that it would be completely optional and that a user’s friends would not see their dating profile. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Touting the lack of pressure to squeeze something into every second of the excursion, Cubs manager Joe Maddon confirmed Wednesday that he was saving up his mound visits for one long trip in the eighth inning. “I used to like spreading out my visits across the whole game, but then I realized it’s far more…Read more...

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MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to ensure the impartiality of content shared on its platform, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Wednesday that the company would address accusations of silencing conservative voices by deleting Barack Obama’s profile. “I want to give all our valued right-leaning users my full assurance…Read more...

Online dating can be a serious headache, and it’s more likely you’ll find yourself stuck in an endless cycle of dead-end first dates than in a compatible match. But if you’re experiencing dating app fatigue, don’t lose hope of finding that special someone just yet, because Facebook just announced a brand-new dating…Read more...

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If you’re a big-time gamer, you might want to get your credit card ready, because Steam just launched a brand-new sale that almost seems too good to be true. According to a recent post on the store’s front page, 50 pounds of hot salad will be available on Steam all week for only $5!

The body positivity movement has done incredible work to empower people who fall outside our society’s ridiculous mainstream beauty standards, but even the most vocal activists sometimes forget about the body struggles that men go through. Thankfully, Trojan just did something totally awesome and body-positive for the…Read more...

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LONDON—An early review confirmed Wednesday that upcoming historical drama The Sisters Of Darington Manor was just 90 minutes of a woman holding up her petticoats while scampering through an open field. “After the opening credits roll, it’s really just an hour and a half of a woman in a silk gown grabbing the hems of…Read more...

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SIOUX FALLS, SD—Playacting raised voices and heated accusations as she made her toys stomp around her bedroom floor, 3-year-old Allyson Barnes was reportedly pretending Wednesday that her stuffed animals were having a big fight about an accidental pregnancy. “How could you have been so careless, Mrs. Puffles?” said…Read more...

A study by the journal Royal Society Open Science found that human bones—such as those used as tools by the people of New Guinea—make the best bone daggers, saying they are “formidable, fierce-looking, and beautiful.” What do you think?Read more...

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL—Presenting the documents as proof that Iran entered the Joint Comprehensive Plan nuclear agreement in bad faith, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on Tuesday provided what he is calling “stunning new evidence” that Iranians planned the 539 B.C. sacking of Babylon. “This trove of recently…Read more...

In a meeting with the South Korean president, Kim Jong-un said he would abandon his nuclear weapons if the U.S. pledged not to invade North Korea. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Challenging decades of mainstream academic thought, a group of Johns Hopkins University researchers released a report Tuesday indicating that the late Soviet Union leader Joseph Stalin was only one great purge away from creating a communist utopia. “Our research demonstrates that if Stalin had shipped a mere…Read more...

BRYN MAWR, PA—In a blasphemous act of disloyalty against the rightful movement, local man Joseph Fischer stated Tuesday that “We can have differences of opinion and still respect each other,” exposing himself as a cowardly betrayer of the one true cause. “Even though we disagree on this issue, I’m glad we can have…Read more...

YUMA, AZ—Saying that it would be a nice break from the health-conscious diet, a local E. coli bacterium announced Tuesday plans to treat itself to a little beef after weeks of eating nothing but salad. “Lately, I’ve been on this kick of just having romaine lettuce for every single meal, but it can’t hurt to cut…Read more...

FISHKILL, NY—In a hastily assembled tribunal during which his traveling companions unanimously handed down the punishment, sources confirmed Tuesday that local friend Brendan Doctson was dishonorably discharged from his navigating duties after causing them to miss an exit. “In light of his gross misconduct in failing…Read more...

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Men’s fashion magazine GQ has incurred the wrath of Christians by including the Bible in an article titled “21 Books You Don’t Have To Read,” which also featured such classics as The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and The Lord of the Rings. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Naively scrutinizing every detail of their big night in a misguided attempt to make it perfect, local couple Ashley Miller and Bradley Schwartz reportedly stressed themselves out over their wedding plans Monday as if it won’t take a single string of Edison bulbs to knock their guests’ fucking socks off.…Read more...

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Over the weekend, Michelle Wolf sparked outrage for her audacious speech at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, which brutally roasted several prominent members of the Trump administration. Now, the White House is responding to the situation in a major way: In light of her controversial remarks, three of the nine…Read more...

Larry Harvey, the guru-like cofounder of Burning Man, has died at the age of 70, leaving behind an anti-establishment legacy embodied in the festival’s spirit. What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Generously admitting that he most likely would not have been able to beat the gritty, defensive-minded Pacers all by himself, Cleveland Cavaliers forward LeBron James credited his teammates during the post-game press conference Sunday with providing the necessary bodies to avoid forfeiting Game 7 of the…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Warning that it is one of the most visible symptoms of serious malnutrition, dietary scientists at Stanford University revealed Monday that humans who consume a proper diet should not be defecating. “In humans who correctly manage their dietary intake, 100 percent of food consumed is absorbed by the…Read more...

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NEKOOSA, WI—Confessing that he just couldn’t get enough of the trombone-playing musician, local polka fan Tim Hahn told reporters Monday that he had been on a real Harold Loeffelmacher kick as of late. “I’ll admit it: I’ve been going straight-out nuts for Loeffelmacher recently,” said Hahn, noting that his “Loeff…Read more...

COLLEGE STATION, TX—According to a new poll released Monday by researchers at Texas A&M University, the death of a spouse is often the most liberating and personally fulfilling event of one’s life. “Despite the common notion that a loved one’s passing is a heartbreaking or debilitating experience, we found the…Read more...