The Onion

ALBUQUERQUE—In a breakthrough discovery that could change the way Sun Signs live forever, the nation’s top pseudoscientists announced Friday that they had harnessed a high-energy quartz crystal capable of reversing the effects of being a Gemini. “From today onward, the Sign Of The Twins will no longer be forced to…Read more...

In a dramatic escalation of his intervention in the 2020 presidential race, Donald Trump called for China and Ukraine to open investigations into one of his leading rivals, former Vice President Joe Biden, and his son, despite no evidence whatsoever of illegal wrongdoing. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing remorse for their weakness and total lack of self-control, Americans across the country were ashamed to admit Friday that they would probably look up John Goodman’s nudes if they leaked. “Look, I’m not proud of it, but if I found out John Goodman’s iCloud got hacked and a bunch of his naked photos…Read more...

Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Admitting he was heartbroken over his mistake against the Colts, Oakland Raiders linebacker Vontaze Burfict expressed deep regret Friday that he let Indianapolis tight end Jack Doyle live. “This goes against who I am as a player and the very spirit of the game. I’m sorry Jack was able to leave the field in…Read more...

Read more...

CHICAGO—Blaring the national anthem as soldiers stood holding red, white, and blue sports drinks, a new patriotic Gatorade ad that aired Friday showed terrorists being waterboarded with Gatorade. “Gatorade is the official drink of protecting the American homeland,” said Gatorade spokesperson Ally Hawthorne about the…Read more...

One year after journalist Jamal Khashoggi was murdered at the Saudi Arabian consulate, Western investors are returning to Saudi Arabia due to its enormous oil wealth and the efforts of Crown Prince bin Salman at stifling outrage. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

Democratic presidential candidates Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have proposed a wealth tax as a way to increase government funding and reduce income inequality, but critics of such proposals argue they can cause more harm than benefits. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of a wealth tax.Read more...

Read more...

WASHINGTON—Following reports of disturbing behavior by disaffected loners at the fringes of high society, the FBI released a joint intelligence bulletin Thursday warning moviegoers that screenings of the film Downton Abbey could be a potential target for shootings by disgruntled royalists. “The individuals in question…Read more...

After undergoing a minimally invasive surgery for artery blockage, 2020 Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is resting in “good spirits” and has canceled campaign events until further notice. What do you think?Read more...

EAST AURORA, NY—Apologizing to customers for mistakenly boosting their children far past the height of the average kitchen table, Fisher-Price officials announced Thursday that they had recalled thousands of dangerous 30-foot-tall high chairs. “After a thorough investigation, we have determined that the risk of a…Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Recalling the character’s unanticipated popularity with viewers, producers of the hit ’90s TV series Seinfeld told reporters Thursday that in the original version of the show’s pilot, Jerry is the victim of a grisly murder. “The death of this minor character 10 minutes into the first episode was supposed…Read more...

With Halloween just around the corner, OGN is paying tribute to the absolute greatest scares in gaming history. Read on, if you dare, for the most terrifying horror games of all time.Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Removing the item from her Amazon shopping cart, local server Melanie Avila confirmed Thursday that she was holding off on buying herself new headphones so her boyfriend can surprise her with a shittier pair for her birthday. “I have my eye on these really nice Bose noise-canceling Bluetooth headphones, but…Read more...

ATLANTA—Adorning their headquarters with wreaths of vomitous greens, cyanotic purple bunting, and jolly, glittering papier-mâché viruses, researchers and clinicians at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention began putting up decorations Thursday for the 2019 influenza season. “Coming to work is fun this time of…Read more...

A new set of guidelines published Monday in the Annals of Internal Medicine contradicts the widely held belief that cutting back on red and processed meat can be beneficial for an individual’s health, suggesting that they instead continue normal levels of consumption. What do you think?Read more...

INDIANAPOLIS—Calling it a necessary step in lieu of state legislation challenging student athletes’ unpaid status, the NCAA announced a new rule Thursday forcing athletes to remove all facial features to prevent them from profiting off their likenesses. “We take the amateur nature of our student athletes very…Read more...

Read more...

SEATTLE—In a stern company-wide email sent to its more than 650,000 employees worldwide, Amazon reportedly issued a reminder Wednesday that the company expressly forbids bringing outside thoughts into the workplace. “This policy is stated clearly in our employee manual and posted prominently in every breakroom, but…Read more...

Leaked audio comments from Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg feature him venting his frustrations with Elizabeth Warren’s plan to break up big tech companies such as Facebook and suggesting that he would mount a legal challenge against the U.S. government to stave off this possibility. What do you think?Read more...

Jennifer Lopez and Shakira announced they will appear together onstage for the first time headlining the 2020 Super Bowl Pepsi Halftime show. What do you think?Read more...

DEATH VALLEY, CA—Commanding that the heinous term shall not be uttered in the halls of their sacred temple, the cloistered enclave of truest of the true believers declared Wednesday that Father-Brother, His Holiness, Master of All The Spheres and Stars, has repeatedly stated that this is not a cult. “For the ninth and…Read more...

Read more...

RACINE, WI—Promising a long-lasting fragrance coating vast swaths of land, air-freshener giant Glade introduced a powerful new vanilla passion fruit unmanned aerial application vehicle, company officials confirmed Wednesday. “This new aerial applicator allows our customers, and many potential customers, to enjoy the…Read more...

The deaths of several people caused by using black-market vaping products have revived debate over whether e-cigarettes are safe, or whether their drawbacks outweigh any potential benefits. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of using e-cigarettes.Read more...

PORTLAND, ME—After observing one cop barking orders, a second marking off the area with police tape, and a third drawing a chalk outline around a body, sources confirmed Wednesday that a crime scene in a downtown neighborhood appeared to have all the different types of cops. “There’s the ones with ties, the ones in…Read more...

Amidst escalating tensions from an impeachment inquiry looking into the president’s behavior, Donald Trump suggested House Intelligence Committee Representative Adam B. Schiff should be arrested for treason for his description of a phone call Mr. Trump had with the president of Ukraine during a recent congressional…Read more...

Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Calling the update “critical” for the security of its billions of users, Facebook unveiled a new Terms Of Service contract Tuesday that included compulsory conscription into Mark Zuckerberg’s upcoming war against the U.S. government. “By continuing to use Facebook, you hereby agree to serve as a loyal…Read more...

The House Intelligence Committee issued a subpoena to Trump’s personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, requiring him to turn over all documents related to his communications with Ukraine. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

BOSTON—Saying everything could be made a whole lot simpler with even a few halfway reasonable dietary choices, top U.S. nutritionists announced Tuesday they wouldn’t have to spend all their time figuring out which foods were bad for you if the nation would just try eating normal for once. “It’s really not that…Read more...

Ever since Gears 5 was released in early September, it’s been stunning critics and fans alike with its astounding graphics, compelling characters, and rich storytelling. Well, it looks like the developers at The Coalition have a few more tricks up their sleeves, because OGN just stumbled onto a secret, alternate…Read more...

TOPEKA, KS—After spending decades focused solely on his career and then retirement, local 70-year-old man Dennis Lambert was reportedly worried Tuesday that he was running out of time to have kids. “My biological clock is ticking, and I’m concerned there won’t be many more opportunities to start a family,” said…Read more...

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Lauding the team for making necessary sacrifices for the greater cause, New England head coach Bill Belichick praised the 2019 Patriots Tuesday for their discipline and dedication in building the device. “This a driven team—they’re working day in and day out, putting it all together, always aware that…Read more...

Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—In response to a recent spate of incidents in which the specially trained canines became far too impaired to perform law enforcement duties, the Transportation Security Administration announced plans Tuesday to phase out glue-sniffing dogs. “Upon exhaustive internal review of extensive and sometimes…Read more...

Read more...

VENICE, ITALY—Saying he can tell from the way she’s been looking at him that she clearly expects him to pop the question, local man Dwayne Moyer told reporters Friday he feels pressure to propose to his girlfriend, Samantha Firks, after dating her for three years, buying her a ring, and getting down on one knee. “Man,…Read more...

Read more...

AMERICA CITY, KS—As he peered out the window of his family’s Dodge Caravan and spotted the animal right in the middle of a pasture where nobody could miss it, 2-year-old Owen Kincaid reportedly pointed out a cow to his parents Monday, acting as if they don’t have eyes in their fucking heads. “Cow!” said Kincaid, who,…Read more...

Following the announcement that the House would be initiating an impeachment inquiry, support for starting impeachment proceedings against President Trump grew among Americans from 36% to 43%, suggesting that the nation may be amenable to the process moving forward. What do you think?Read more...

ARCADIA, CA—After the death of 3-year-old colt Emtech this weekend marked the racetrack’s 32nd equine fatality of the year, investigators stated Monday that the unusual mortality rate at Santa Anita Park could potentially be the work of a horse serial killer. “After examining hoofprints at the crime scene and pulling…Read more...

RIO RANCHO, NM—Feeling comforted by the news that the scandalous and illicit affair eventually amounted to something, school district sources noted Monday that, well, at least high school teacher Lisa Calloway, 52, and her former student Dennis Wilkes, 32, had married. “It was definitely fucked up that Ms. Calloway…Read more...

If you’ve been dying to play Pokémon: Let’s Go Pikachu but have been holding off because of the price tag, we’ve got a deal you’re definitely going to want to check out: Your parents are giving away a new copy of the popular Switch game if you can make it through all of Rosh Hashanah this year without biting anyone.Read more...

ROCKPORT, ME—Asking everyone to open their books while she honed in on the students who looked the most nervous, underprepared second-grade teacher Judy Fabacher confirmed Monday that she’d really been leaning on her class’s slow readers to eat up some clock. “Alright, we have 20 more minutes before you get to go to…Read more...