The Onion

WASHINGTON—Assuring citizens that catastrophe survival can be as easy as locking their feeble-bodied relatives in the basement and throwing away the key, emergency management officials recommended Thursday that families devise plans to ditch their weakest in the event of a disaster. “Most Americans know to instantly…Read more...

Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with…Read more...

EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district…Read more...

Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing the product as a huge step forward in health monitor technology, representatives from Fitbit held a product-reveal event today at which shareholders were shown a new fitness tracker capable of monitoring the amount of exercise the wearer watches on television. “Using the latest in optical nerve…Read more...

Yielding to calls for him to provide transparency on the issue, President Trump authorized the release of a memorandum describing a phone call in which he called for Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—In an effort to prevent unnecessary injuries to some of the game’s biggest stars, representatives for the NFL reaffirmed its commitment to player safety Wednesday by eliminating the quarterback position from starting lineups. “We expect some blowback from fans who say you can’t have football without a…Read more...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump following reports that he may have withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to force their hand in investigating Joe Biden’s debunked charges. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES— In response to a multi-platform blitz including TV, online, print, and radio advertisements, cosmetic-injection giant Botox was forced to apologize Wednesday for their recent ad campaign specifically targeting 15-year-old actress Millie Bobby Brown. “Botox and the entire Allergan family sincerely express…Read more...

Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us Part II might be the most anticipated game of this generation, and with their latest State of Play, Sony pulled the cover off it in a big way. Here’s everything we learned about the upcoming blockbuster from yesterday’s media event.Read more...

CAPITOLA, CA—Finding himself baffled by how routinely everyday situations go awry for the trouble-prone characters on his favorite program, television viewer Lawrence Bedrosian remarked Wednesday on the uncanny regularity with which the stuff on the TV show goes completely wrong. “It’s, like, at the beginning of every…Read more...

American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.Read more...

AMMAN, JORDAN—In a discovery archaeologists claimed would radically alter our understanding of early humans’ ability to carry a teetering column of objects and then subsequently drop them all after stubbing a toe, a Neolithic skeleton unearthed Tuesday reportedly bears signs of trauma suggesting early humans had a…Read more...

Accelerating calls for his impeachment, President Trump admitted Monday to talking to Ukraine about launching a corruption investigation into Joe Biden, suggesting he may have attempted to pressure the nation into damaging the reputation of the former vice president. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to criticism for comments about 16-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg made on their network, Fox News officials apologized Tuesday for their mentally ill hosts. “While we understand some people disagree with the statements made by Laura Ingraham and other pundits on Fox News, it’s…Read more...

About 45 minutes into Hitman 2’s new “Haven Island” DLC, players are faced with a choice that not only changes the rest of the downloadable level but the course of the series itself: Will you continue on in your mission to kill an affluent kingpin while sneaking through the Maldive resort’s tropical forests? Or will…Read more...

16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed the U.N. Climate Action Summit with an emotional speech condemning leaders for inaction and stressing that while “[e]ntire ecosystems are collapsing… all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!” What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

WESTCHESTER, NY—Despite expressing to her on numerous past occasions the gravity of making this sort of mistake, sources confirmed Tueasday that, God fucking damnit, the live-in maid had sorted the satins and cottons together again. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, how many times have we told Maria not to put the baronet weave…Read more...

Read more...

Bettendorf, IA—Preparing to humiliate both his mother and the employee in one fell swoop, local 3-year-old Alex Delaney confirmed Tuesday that he was going to hold in the fact that the grocery store cashier is fat until he reaches the checkout. “Right now, I’m just thinking about the fact that the man is overweight,…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing…Read more...

Read more...

Read more...

NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but…Read more...

Read more...

CINCINNATI—Expressing concern over their teammate’s unhealthy fixation on repeating the process, Cincinnati Reds players confirmed Monday that outfielder Phil Ervin always has to touch all three bases before going to home plate. “He just can’t go near home plate without first touching every single base in order with…Read more...

Citing regulatory uncertainty in announcing its decision, retail giant Walmart will cease selling e-cigarettes immediately, the company said Friday. What do you think?Read more...

Read more...

LOS ANGELES—After his streaming service came in second behind HBO in the total number of statuettes taken home at the awards show, Netflix CEO Reed Hastings reportedly chewed out his content creators Sunday in a relentless, rage-fueled tirade in the post-Emmys locker room. “You want to tell me what the fuck just…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—Expressing his disbelief and disappointment over purchasing the Sinaloa drug cartel’s products for decades while remaining ignorant of their less-than-ethical attitude toward competing business, regular cocaine customer Richard Barnes confirmed this week that he was shocked to learn the powerful…Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—Noting that the footage produced more questions than answers, viewers expressed disappointment Monday that the new trailer for Frozen 2 provided almost no clues about the specifics of President Donald Trump’s conversations with the leader of Ukraine. “It’s unfortunate that even a frame-by-frame breakdown…Read more...

PLANO, TX—In the six weeks since classes began at Plano Senior High School, quiet, nerdy student Henry Orvis, 16, has been lying in wait and looking for just the right moment to unleash his freestyle rap talents on his fellow sophomores, sources reported Monday. “Soon, very soon, the time will be right, and I daresay…Read more...

The divide between games and reality is vast. Though it can feel like you’re getting better and honing your skills while you’re playing, those skills don’t necessarily translate in the real world. As challenging as these games might sometimes be, years of playing tower defense games can’t even begin to prepare you for…Read more...

Read more...

Birth control and fewer pregnancies have led to abortions among women of reproductive age dropping 3.4% to 13.5% between 2011 and 2017, the lowest ever since abortions became legal in 1973. What do you think?Read more...

VATICAN CITY—After uncovering compromising historical records in the Holy See’s archive, the Vatican announced Monday that they would disavow dozens of saints who had performed their miracles using eldritch magic derived from sources of sheer madness and chaos. “Effective immediately upon learning that many of these…Read more...

Read more...

DOBBS FERRY, NY—Climbing the wooden stairs into a room overflowing with bird droppings, loose feathers, and owl pellets, Audubon Society president David Yarnold reportedly spent another morning in his attic Friday feeding the 2.9 billion birds reported missing by avian researchers. “How are all my precious angels…Read more...

Admitting that the practice was racist and he should have known better, Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau apologized for wearing brownface to an Arabian Nights-themed party in 2001 and blackface several years before. What do you think?Read more...

Gamers who played 2010’s phenomenal Ni no Kuni: Wrath of the White Witch when it was first released will remember it for the heartfelt tale of Oliver, its addictive Pokémon-inspired battle system, and most of all, the eye-catching Studio Ghibli character designs. Nearly a decade on, I’m happy to report that the game…Read more...

Read more...

MIAMI—Reminding players that the procedure was the fastest, most efficient way for them to all get what they want, General Manager Chris Grier took a moment Friday to remind the Miami Dolphins once again that any incoming trade requests needed to be submitted to him via the automated email form. “I don’t know how many…Read more...

SHERIDAN, WY—Lowering his expectations in an effort to avoid disappointment, rookie forest ranger TJ Hayward told reporters Friday that he was not getting his hopes up about seeing a tree on his first day of work. “If it happens, that would be great, but I’m not going to hold my breath for a lodgepole pine on day…Read more...

Merriam-Webster announced updates to its dictionary this week, including adding the use of the word “they” as a singular, nonbinary pronoun and weakening that case that using it is nongrammatical. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Claiming the measure was a necessary precaution to prevent what must be some pretty terrible side effects, representatives for the National Football League announced plans Friday to add whatever bullshit Rob Gronkowski was hawking on social media to the banned substances list. “We’re looking out for the best…Read more...

The sitcom Friends debuted September 22, 1994, becoming a generational touchstone over its 10-season run, and remains one of the most popular TV shows on streaming services. The Onion looks back at key moments in the show’s history on its 25th anniversary.Read more...