The Onion

WASHINGTON—Slowly realizing that he had made a big mistake, Attorney General William Barr reportedly showed up to Congress to testify at 3 a.m. Thursday after reading an email wrong. “Oh man, I really screwed the pooch,” said the attorney general, who opened a briefcase full of evidence and prepared to fully cooperate…Read more...

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BOSTON—Ardently defending their steadfast loyalty to the sport, NHL fans around the nation gathered Thursday to claim that hockey was way more fun if you’re there in person, on the ice, and actively playing in the game. “Sure, when you watch on TV, the puck looks kind of small and the game is hard to follow, but when…Read more...

Few games have left behind legacy that’s as long-lasting as Psychonauts, Double Fine’s 2005 literal mind-trip of a platformer. So we were incredibly excited when gaming legend Tim Schafer arrived at our offices to give us an exclusive sneak peek at the Psychonauts 2 legal screen. But it wasn’t until he booted up that…Read more...

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I tell ya, times sure have changed since I was a boy. Nowadays in our fast-paced Copper Age civilization, people are weaving new textiles, smelting new metals, and finding all kinds of new, exciting ways to make pots. They’re also using new symbolic inscriptions to communicate with each other, and it’s this technology…Read more...

Congressional Democrats indicated they had come to an informal agreement with President Trump to update the nation’s bridges, roads, trains, and broadband, although how such a deal will be paid for has yet to be negotiated. What do you think?Read more...

A day of street protests and skirmishes is underway after Venezuelan opposition leader and National Assembly leader Juan Guaidó announced an uprising in the country’s capital. What do you think?Read more...

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THE HEAVENS—Following hours of staring into the darkness of the void and wondering if there was a point to anything at all, God, the Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, ultimately decided against suicide Wednesday when an angel showed Him what life would be like if He had never existed. “Sometimes, you lose…Read more...

Good news for fans of RockStar’s blockbuster western franchise! The studio announced this week that it had already started imprisoning programmers to kickstart the development of Red Dead Redemption 3.Read more...

Streaming service Spotify announced that it had reached 100 million paying subscribers in a landmark for the music streaming service. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—Expending an inordinate proportion of her resources to detail the bustling shops, quaint cafes, and highly rated schools located merely a mile or two away, realtor Susan Horne reportedly spent most of her showing with local couple Tim and Holly Penn Wednesday emphasizing how close their prospective new town…Read more...

Debuting May 1, 1999, SpongeBob SquarePants is an animated series about a sentient sponge that grew into a media empire. The Onion looks back at the beloved cartoon show on its 20th anniversary.Read more...

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Animal experts praised the upcoming animated film Sonic: The Hedgehog Tuesday for its accurate depiction of hedgehogs, noting that most media representations leave out the creature’s tendency to roll up into a fast-moving blue ball to attack enemy combatants. “Most of the hedgehogs we see in film and TV…Read more...

CHICAGO—Catering to a segment of the population chronically underserved by man and God alike, Walgreens unveiled a new line of shrink-wrapped sandwiches Tuesday for the doomed, afflicted, and beleaguered to purchase in times when things have gone horribly, horribly wrong. “These inexpensive, tightly shrink-wrapped,…Read more...

The Islamic State released a video message purporting to come from its leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, in what would be his first appearance in five years. What do you think?Read more...

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CULVER CITY, CA—Revealing the secret behind his lucrative run on the TV game show, unbeatable Jeopardy! champion James Holzhauer told reporters Tuesday that the key to his success was threatening other contestants with a nail-studded baseball bat during commercial breaks. “My approach is pretty simple: I wait until a…Read more...

Selecting the right weapon can be the difference between winning or losing a match in FIFA. Onion Gamers Network examines the most powerful and effective instruments of destruction in the latest version of the Electronic Arts’ soccer-simulation game.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Asserting that he’d be able to contribute quality scowls and derision to a championship contender, Lakers great Kobe Bryant expressed confidence Tuesday that he could still berate teammates for 20 minutes a night. “I might not be able to intimidate guys at an MVP level anymore, but I could definitely come…Read more...

Fortnite’s latest update brought some major changes to the battle royale sensation this week. But while most of the overhauls and new content in the patch were welcomed, many players are slamming a new map location after finding out the deli counter only has two types of salami.Read more...

Pop star Taylor Swift debuted “ME!” a new duet with Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco likely to tease an upcoming album. What do you think?Read more...

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Analysis suggests that Avengers: Endgame, the action-packed culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, may rake in as much as $1 billion in box office sales after a record-breaking opening weekend. What do you think?Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Reasoning that they don’t really have anything else going for them in the increasingly automated post-industrial era of large-scale staple farming, the shittier regions of the country decided this week that they might as well give producing wine a shot. “At this point, maybe we should just see if we could…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Admitting it was difficult to watch his once-vibrant home fall into complete disarray, Portland Trail Blazers center Enes Kanter confirmed Monday that he was grateful to have escaped the oppressive, failing dictatorship in New York. “It’s disastrous—the leaders are full-on autocrats and there is so little…Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that it regrets the oversight, The New York Times apologized Monday for its decision to run the anti-Semitic comic strip Shylock The Shyster for the past 37 years. “We are deeply sorry for printing this strip on a continuous basis in more than 13,000 editions of our paper published since 1982,”…Read more...

NEW YORK—Discussing their astonishment mere hours after the premiere of the highly anticipated episode, Game Of Thrones actors told reporters Monday about the moment they read the script for the zombie battle in “The Long Night” and realized they had definitively wasted their careers. “Right away, when I finished the…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Admitting they were confounded by the huge numbers being put up by the 2001 feature starring Jason Biggs, Steve Zahn, and Jack Black, top film industry analysts told reporters Monday they had yet to determine how Saving Silverman managed to break numerous box office records over the weekend. “As far as we…Read more...

Shigeru Miyamoto is a titan of the video game industry known around the world for bringing the Super Mario and Legend Of Zelda franchises to life. We sat down with the legendary game director, designer, and producer for a revealing interview where he opened up to us about how the Donkey Kong game series drew its…Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—No longer the spry daredevil she was when she was younger, beloved grandmother Lydia McNeese, 87, has reached that age where even just one trip over Niagara Falls could be fatal. “She’s getting to that point that all women reach, if they’re lucky, where she simply can’t handle a 170-foot plunge down a…Read more...

A clicker leaps across a pile of bricks and rubble as the pounding rain blacks out the world beyond a narrow alley. A man crawls away in terror, slowly approaching the camera. As he calls for help, his hand presses against a window, blood smearing as he begs for someone to do something. We move back through the glass…Read more...

Since our founding in 1947—years before the creation of video games—the Onion Gamers Network has remained at the forefront of interactive entertainment. In fact, our founder, Otto Helmut Zweibel, was originally ridiculed as a madman and fool for believing humanity would one day control miniature men using their…Read more...

Without greater action to prevent global warming, melting arctic permafrost could cause $70 trillion in economic damages between now and 2300, according to a study published in Nature Communications. What do you think?Read more...

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BRENTWOOD, TN—Growing increasingly worked up over his lack of foresight, local man Alexander Diggs began to experience severe panic after realizing he had no plans for the ripe avocado on his kitchen counter, sources indicated Friday. “Oh God, no, no, no, please—I just picked this up yesterday, and it’s already going…Read more...

Owing to a lack of vaccinations and a rise in misinformation, the nationwide measles outbreak has soared to include 695 reported cases this year, the highest rate since the disease was declared eliminated in 2000. What do you think?Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Wondering how the social media giant will unethically exploit their personal data next, Facebook users conceded Friday they are morbidly curious to see what the company does to them in order to recoup its losses following a $5 billion Federal Trade Commission fine. “I know I’m probably not gonna like…Read more...

GREENBELT, MD—In an effort to ensure that all personal effects reached their rightful owner, prison officials returned the bag of semi-automatic weapons and a detailed hit list Friday to Coast Guard terror suspect Christopher Hasson upon his release. “Here you are, sir—your silencers, your sniper rifles. Anything else…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Accusing the media of reading too far into the many signs featuring the flavored tortilla chips that are now installed in the park, acting United States secretary of the interior David Bernhardt categorically denied that business interests had influenced Yellowstone National Park’s name change to Frito Lay…Read more...

DENVER—Admitting that finishing with the second-best record in the Western Conference has been a bit of a setback for their draft plans, representatives from the Denver Nuggets worried Friday that they had screwed up their attempt to tank for top prospect Zion Williamson. “We thought Zion would be the building block…Read more...

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SARASOTA, FL—Admitting he had encountered a new kind of emptiness in his life since leaving his job nine months ago, 67-year-old Matthew Whalen confided to reporters Friday that he was feeling useless in retirement and secretly wished he could just go back to feeling useless at work. “Until I quit working, I never…Read more...

As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing their elation at the rare specimen’s successful mating, Field Museum officials announced the long-awaited pregnancy of Sue, the museum’s beloved T-rex, in a press conference Friday. “When we first acquired Sue, we were somewhat worried because she just hung around her exhibit all day and seemed to…Read more...