The Onion

ROCKPORT, ME—Asking everyone to open their books while she honed in on the students who looked the most nervous, underprepared second-grade teacher Judy Fabacher confirmed Monday that she’d really been leaning on her class’s slow readers to eat up some clock. “Alright, we have 20 more minutes before you get to go to…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she had been extremely flaky since meeting her new boyfriend in an enchanted forest, a local group of twentysomethings expressed annoyance Monday that they never see Melissa anymore now that she’s dating a guy who keeps her locked away in a chamber at the top of the tallest tower. “Honestly, it…Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying the loud, unwelcome voice in her head had actually made some very good points about just doing it already, local woman Jenny Fabela told reporters Monday that an intrusive thought laid out a very compelling argument for taking her clothes off in a public park. “You know, at first, I wasn’t on board, but…Read more...

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McDonald’s announced today that it will be running a 12-week limited test of the P.L.T. sandwich, a plant-based variation on a McDonald’s burger developed exclusively in tandem with Beyond Meat to replicate the franchise’s iconic taste. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Promising customers unlimited access and the most up-to-date information on anonymous sources, The New York Times announced Friday an offer to disclose the whistleblower’s identity to readers who subscribe within the next 24 hours. “We’ll give you the whistleblower’s name, home address, occupation, and voting…Read more...

Stressing that he “opened a Pandora’s box and released a Frankenstein’s monster” with the novel breed, Wally Conron, the maker of the Labradoodle, expressed regret for ever creating the mop-headed dog, citing its frequent health problems and saying that it had “veered far from his original purpose in mixing a Labrador…Read more...

GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the condiment-based attraction the perfect way to cool off on a hot day, company representatives revealed Friday that Hellmann’s new theme park would feature the world’s longest lazy mayo river. “Experience the thrilling Tarter Tunnel and the heart-stopping Dijonaise Drop before taking a spin…Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Spraying down the traumatized players who were standing in puddles of their own excrement, Chicago Cubs pitching coach Tommy Hottovy was forced to clean up a group of trembling, piss-covered pitchers Friday after leaving them locked inside the bullpen all day. “God, I feel so bad that they were trapped in…Read more...

SAN DIEGO—As Tom Cruise rested on a window ledge 300 feet in the air and took a sip of water Friday, onlookers remarked that the 57-year-old actor was really showing his age by taking a break midway through his scaling of One America Plaza. “It’s tough to watch how winded he gets nowadays, especially after he gets…Read more...

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Extreme gentrification is on the rise in many U.S. cities, as poorer residents are pushed out by wealthier ones, with significant impact on income inequality, housing, and many other factors, but the process by which it happens may seem unclear. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how gentrification works.Read more...

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Reuniting the cast of the beloved original Jurassic Park, Sam Neill, Laura Dern, and Jeff Goldblum will return for a third film, director Colin Trevorrow confirmed at a press conference this week. What do you think?Read more...

SiriusXM announced on Wednesday that former United States senator Al Franken will host a weekly left-wing talk program, “The Al Franken Show,” in which he will address current news alongside a range of comedic and political guests. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Touting the product as the easiest way for DIY-ers to seriously injure themselves, Home Depot introduced a new 100-pound bag of mulch Thursday for fucking up your back in the garden section. “Made from all-natural organic materials, our new too-heavy bag of mulch is perfect for absolutely destroying your spine…Read more...

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Following the debut of the inclusive “Creatable World” line of toys, Mattel attempted to preempt backlash over their gender-neutral dolls Thursday by releasing the highly anticipated “Covered In Genitals” Barbie. “In the spirit of inclusivity, we thought it was important to give parents concerned about…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Informing her client that it would require very little effort on his part to book the high-profile gig, Sean Spicer’s agent reportedly told the former press secretary Thursday that if he referred to Trump’s recent conduct as “troubling,” she could probably get him on the next season of American Ninja…Read more...

CHICAGO—A week after a dog breeder apologized for having ever crossed a Labrador retriever with a poodle, reports of golden, fur-filled explosions emerged Thursday as the regretful creator of labradoodles activated a self-destruct sequence he programmed into their DNA decades ago. “This is the only way I can make…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Relishing the opportunity to commemorate one of American history’s most important political pillars, families visiting Washington, D.C. told reporters Thursday that they were impressed by the statue honoring the nation’s first obelisk president. “Wow, it’s so tall, thin, and pointy—it almost feels like he’s…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Assuring citizens that catastrophe survival can be as easy as locking their feeble-bodied relatives in the basement and throwing away the key, emergency management officials recommended Thursday that families devise plans to ditch their weakest in the event of a disaster. “Most Americans know to instantly…Read more...

Yielding to employee demands and significant activism campaigns, Amazon announced climate goals that will see it rapidly decarbonizing, buying 100,000 electric delivery vehicles, and putting in place independent monitoring mechanisms, although some climate advocates have criticized it for failing to sever ties with…Read more...

EVANSVILLE, IN—Reporting that the suspected arsonist has thus far claimed the lives of 23 sinners whose wretched souls will no longer harbor evil, law enforcement officials announced Thursday that they are still seeking the individual responsible for cleansing more than 40 buildings in the city’s business district…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—Hailing the product as a huge step forward in health monitor technology, representatives from Fitbit held a product-reveal event today at which shareholders were shown a new fitness tracker capable of monitoring the amount of exercise the wearer watches on television. “Using the latest in optical nerve…Read more...

Yielding to calls for him to provide transparency on the issue, President Trump authorized the release of a memorandum describing a phone call in which he called for Ukraine to investigate former Vice President Joe Biden. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—In an effort to prevent unnecessary injuries to some of the game’s biggest stars, representatives for the NFL reaffirmed its commitment to player safety Wednesday by eliminating the quarterback position from starting lineups. “We expect some blowback from fans who say you can’t have football without a…Read more...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced yesterday a formal impeachment inquiry into President Trump following reports that he may have withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to force their hand in investigating Joe Biden’s debunked charges. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES— In response to a multi-platform blitz including TV, online, print, and radio advertisements, cosmetic-injection giant Botox was forced to apologize Wednesday for their recent ad campaign specifically targeting 15-year-old actress Millie Bobby Brown. “Botox and the entire Allergan family sincerely express…Read more...

Naughty Dog’s The Last of Us Part II might be the most anticipated game of this generation, and with their latest State of Play, Sony pulled the cover off it in a big way. Here’s everything we learned about the upcoming blockbuster from yesterday’s media event.Read more...

CAPITOLA, CA—Finding himself baffled by how routinely everyday situations go awry for the trouble-prone characters on his favorite program, television viewer Lawrence Bedrosian remarked Wednesday on the uncanny regularity with which the stuff on the TV show goes completely wrong. “It’s, like, at the beginning of every…Read more...

American workers typically work far more than in other countries, leading to increased calls for a four-day workweek, but this proposal has received a variety of criticism. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of a four-day workweek.Read more...

AMMAN, JORDAN—In a discovery archaeologists claimed would radically alter our understanding of early humans’ ability to carry a teetering column of objects and then subsequently drop them all after stubbing a toe, a Neolithic skeleton unearthed Tuesday reportedly bears signs of trauma suggesting early humans had a…Read more...

Accelerating calls for his impeachment, President Trump admitted Monday to talking to Ukraine about launching a corruption investigation into Joe Biden, suggesting he may have attempted to pressure the nation into damaging the reputation of the former vice president. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Responding to criticism for comments about 16-year-old Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg made on their network, Fox News officials apologized Tuesday for their mentally ill hosts. “While we understand some people disagree with the statements made by Laura Ingraham and other pundits on Fox News, it’s…Read more...

About 45 minutes into Hitman 2’s new “Haven Island” DLC, players are faced with a choice that not only changes the rest of the downloadable level but the course of the series itself: Will you continue on in your mission to kill an affluent kingpin while sneaking through the Maldive resort’s tropical forests? Or will…Read more...

16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed the U.N. Climate Action Summit with an emotional speech condemning leaders for inaction and stressing that while “[e]ntire ecosystems are collapsing… all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you!” What do you think?Read more...

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WESTCHESTER, NY—Despite expressing to her on numerous past occasions the gravity of making this sort of mistake, sources confirmed Tueasday that, God fucking damnit, the live-in maid had sorted the satins and cottons together again. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, how many times have we told Maria not to put the baronet weave…Read more...

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Bettendorf, IA—Preparing to humiliate both his mother and the employee in one fell swoop, local 3-year-old Alex Delaney confirmed Tuesday that he was going to hold in the fact that the grocery store cashier is fat until he reaches the checkout. “Right now, I’m just thinking about the fact that the man is overweight,…Read more...

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ORLANDO—Six years after acquiring the rights to the 1987 horror classic, Disney Parks, Experiences and Products formally opened its new World Of Agony Monday, a 200-acre sadomasochistic theme park based on the Hellraiser franchise. “As soon as guests crawl through the main entrance, they’ll be transported to a searing…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Following her U.N. address about the existential threat posed by a rapidly warming planet, citizens across the United States confirmed Monday they were perplexed by Swedish climate activist Greta Thunberg, a 16-year-old who apparently has no desire to see the world end. “I know she’s from another country, but…Read more...