by ClickHole on ClickHole, shared by OnionNews to The on (#47Q73)
Beware, for evil is hiding in plain sight! Most of these nipples are innocent male nipples, but lurking among them is one wicked nipple of the female!Read more...
The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2025-12-03 05:30 |
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47PVG)
NEW ALBANY, OH—Commenting upon the odd feeling produced by the chance encounter, local teenager Evelyn Hildebrand confided to reporters Thursday that she was “totally weirded out†after running over her English teacher, Ted Miller, outside of school. “It took me by surprise because he just kind of appeared out of…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47PH2)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47PH3)
ABINGTON, PA—Frustrated that his local police precinct was shirking responsibilities, a masked vigilante confirmed Thursday that he would be taking the work of terrorizing the black community into his own hands as long as law enforcement officers failed to do so. “It’s become crystal clear that our police won’t do…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47P6K)
Roku has backtracked on its decision to give Alex Jones’ “Infowars†videos a channel on its service, citing intense backlash on social media. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47NWJ)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#47NWK)
ST. LOUIS—Noting that recording artists, musical groups, and associated acts now outnumber the global population roughly 50 to one, a study conducted by the University of Washington’s Institute for Learning and Brain Sciences found Thursday that no two people have listened to the same band since the autumn of 2003.…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#47MBH)
HOUSTON—Furious after once more failing to receive enough votes for induction into the National Baseball Hall of Fame, seven-time Cy Young winner Roger Clemens reportedly went off on a reckless performance-enhancing-drug bender Wednesday. “As soon as I found out I wasn’t getting in, I started hitting the HGH pretty…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#47M72)
There will be hundreds of scripted and unscripted shows airing in 2019 as the television boom continues, making anything you watch that you don’t absolutely love a complete waste of your precious time. The Onion takes a look at 2019’s most hotly anticipated TV shows.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47M73)
KANSAS CITY, MO—After a biopsy determined a tumor removed from his kidney was benign, local 28-year-old Andrew Keller was reportedly reassured by doctors Wednesday that he still had quite a few years of staring at his smartphone ahead of him. “Good news: The tests came back completely negative, which means you’ll be…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47M74)
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences unveiled its nominations for the 91st annual Oscars with nods to The Favourite and Roma alongside nods for Black Panther and A Star Is Born. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#47M75)
BETHESDA, MD—In a groundbreaking new study on the effects of stressful everyday events on the addiction patterns of average Americans, the National Institutes of Health found this week that upwards of 30 percent of those who quit smoking will relapse by raising a cigarette to their lips with trembling fingers as they…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#47KY7)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47KKG)
OMAHA, NE—Saying she’d “psyched herself out†during the last few story times at her local library, area puppet Phoebe the Pig admitted to reporters Wednesday that due to nerves, she had no idea what to do with her hands. “The minute I got out there in front of the kids, I felt uncomfortable. It was like my arms were…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47KKH)
MAPLEWOOD, MN—Presenting a romanticized snapshot of regional biodiversity, a local nature preserve reportedly set highly unrealistic expectations Monday with a visitor center full of taxidermied animals. “Whoa, a beaver, a timber wolf, and a pack of bobcats just chilling on a rock,†said first-time visitor Stephanie…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47K9M)
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by The Onion on (#47K9N)
For the third year running, the New England Patriots will go to the Super Bowl—this time to face off against the Los Angeles Rams. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#47HQK)
Kamala Harris, the California senator and former attorney general, announced plans for a 2020 run, emphasizing justice and equality as she entered the Democratic presidential field. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47HKN)
LAUREL, MD—Telling himself the wisest course of action was to avoid all eye contact and let the chips fall where they may, weird kid Jason Butler opted Tuesday to sit perfectly still and let the universe determine his destiny after his chemistry teacher instructed students to select a partner for their next…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47HKP)
WASHINGTON—Depicting a standoff between Catholic high school students, a group of Black Hebrew Israelites, and a Native American elder, a viral video from the March for Life last Friday has sparked a national debate over the ethics of drumming in public. “Those on one side of the argument say there is inherent value…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47GZC)
NEW YORK—Noting that his four years at Fordham University hadn’t even led to a 3,000-square-foot penthouse apartment on the Upper East Side yet, local 24-year-old Alex Michaelson, who still hasn’t achieved his dream life, told reporters Tuesday he regrets wasting money on a college education. “What’s the point of…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#47GZD)
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by The Onion on (#47ER3)
As the government shutdown extends to the longest in history, a new NPR/PBS/Marist poll found Trump’s approval down to 39 percent, a seven-point net change in the past month. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#47ER4)
SEATTLE—Calling it the most debauched correspondence that had ever been submitted to “Savage Love,†advice columnist Dan Savage was disgusted Monday by a letter from a perverted reader contemplating oral sex. “Over the course of my 20-plus years writing this column, I’ve helped people with some pretty heinous…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47EJZ)
CHICAGO—Lamenting that his glory days of college cafeterias, burger joints, and taco trucks are now shrinking in life’s rear-view mirror, sales associate Alan Thompson, 29, was reportedly beginning to worry Monday that his best meals might already be behind him. “When I think about all my entrées to come, I can’t help…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47EK0)
LONDON—Demonstrating in no uncertain terms that any peasant who sought to shirk his or her duty would be summarily dealt with, Queen Elizabeth looked on dispassionately Friday as a team of four oxen, yoked in pairs, were strapped to the outstretched limbs of a farmer who had failed to provide the Crown with his yearly…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47EK1)
Today, Americans will celebrate Martin Luther King Jr.’s birthday to commemorate his life and historic contributions to the Civil Rights Movement. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47EK2)
PHILADELPHIA—Entering her examination room to find a woman describing in detail how she had once spent several hours coughing up blood, general practitioner Anika Korman described her state of mind as “completely weirded out†Monday when patient Catherine Moritz evidently decided to provide every lurid detail of her…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47EK3)
ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concerns that their home was starting to lose its distinctive character, Orlando locals were reportedly worried Monday that their beloved town was becoming completely overrun by vacationers. “Don’t get me wrong: Tourism dollars have helped the local economy, but the downside is that we have…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47AXY)
The polar vortex—the swirling winds above the arctic—has fractured into three rings that will spread freezing temperatures through the eastern U.S. in late January. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#479YK)
Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen revealed that he paid $13,000 at the direction of Trump to rig several 2016 polls in the then-presidential candidate’s favor. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#479NJ)
KANSAS CITY, MO—In an effort to gain a competitive advantage against a formidable opponent, the New England Patriots scored two touchdowns against the Chiefs Friday in a preemptive strike before Sunday’s AFC Championship Game. “We knew we had to do something to catch them off guard, so we ran a no-huddle offense…Read more...
by The Onion on (#479HC)
WASHINGTON—In an attempt to ease the transition of vulnerable young refugees into an unfamiliar new home, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced a new campaign Friday which aims to reunite immigrant children with their original arresting officer. “We intend to extend every effort to find the ICE officer…Read more...
by The Onion on (#479HD)
LOW EARTH ORBIT—Maintaining that he is always the one wiping ectoplasm off the zero-gravity toilet at the end of the week, Expedition 57 astronaut Alexander Gerst confirmed Friday that he has grown sick of sharing the confines of the International Space Station with his “crass, thoughtless, insensitive, and…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#479CX)
BROOKLYN, NY—Shocked, disillusioned, and even somewhat betrayed by the unlikely pairing, fans of best-selling author and decluttering guru Marie Kondo were reacting with general disapproval Friday at the news that the organizing consultant has been dating an untidy kitchen cupboard since July of last year. “I can’t…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#479CY)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#4797Q)
KANSAS CITY—Expressing regret and shame for having “completely overindulged,†New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady confessed feelings of guilt Friday after gorging himself on a full order of Kansas-City-style tap water. “Ugh, I’ve compromised my own standards and my responsibility to my team by devouring an…Read more...
by The Onion on (#47926)
Founded in January 1994, Yahoo! has been involved in many of the internet’s biggest changes and challenges over its existence. The Onion looks back at the biggest moments in the web service provider’s 25-year history.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#47927)
APPLETON, WI—Expressing disbelief at her romantic partner’s dramatic behavioral shift, local woman Emily Kittleson, 30, told reporters Friday that she had not expected her boyfriend’s attempts to recognize and curtail toxic masculinity would eventually turn him into a “weepy little pansy.†“Christ, I know the dope is…Read more...
by The Onion on (#478XM)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#477E6)
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by The Onion on (#477A1)
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi asked the president to delay the State of the Union—typically scheduled for January 29—until the shutdown ends, citing security concerns and obstacles in planning. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#477A2)
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by The Onion on (#476VV)
CAMP HILL, PA—Noting that the revamped tool was not scheduled to be unveiled for another six months, Ames executives were reportedly scrambling Thursday after designs for the new Ames 9443 Snow Shovel were leaked to the public. “The company is currently in the process of investigating how these top-secret designs were…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#476VW)
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by The Onion on (#476HT)
In its largest such increase in history, Netflix will raise prices to $13 per month on its most popular subscription plan. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#476HV)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#474VQ)
ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award their mother received at work was a big deal or what, exactly. “She got this little plate that…Read more...
by The Onion on (#474QD)
In a critical blow to the prime minister, the U.K. parliament voted to reject Theresa May’s Brexit deal. What do you think?Read more...