The Onion

WASHINGTON—Hoping to ease the team into a new period of transition, Washington Nationals general manager Mike Rizzo took a moment Wednesday to introduce his players to their new stepmanager. “Everyone, this is Dale. You’re going to be seeing a lot more of him from now on, and I want you make him feel nice and…Read more...

Bandai America announced a revamped version of the Tamagotchi, updating the ’90s toy to give the electronic creatures the ability to breed and marry one another through a wireless connection. What do you think?Read more...

Many travel for the pleasures of sightseeing. Others to experience a different culture: its history, its art, its food. For me, the best part of a trip abroad is the folks you meet along the way. Whether it’s the impressionable backpacker willing to follow you into the dense jungles of Cambodia or the elderly tourist…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying her concerns that the additional obstacles presented by parenthood would be too much to bear, 12-year-old abuse survivor Abigail Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that she wouldn’t be able to handle being a mom on top of everything else she had going on. “I have several book reports and a…Read more...

Weighted blankets have skyrocketed in popularity, with enthusiastic users touting their health benefits, but they may not be right for everyone. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a weighted blanket.Read more...

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Anthem fans, take notice: Electronic Arts just announced they’re rolling out a new revenue model for the game that involves deleting everyone’s characters unless they send the company $300 in the next hour.Read more...

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Wall Street suffered one of its worst days of 2019 after China raised tariffs on $60 billion worth of U.S. goods after President Trump followed through on threats to do so on $200 billion worth of Chinese goods. What do you think?Read more...

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Researchers at the University of Texas at Austin published a study predicting Chicago, Los Angeles, or Miami will most likely suffer the next measles outbreak due to lack of proper vaccinations. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Revealing a profound transformation of American socioeconomic attitudes, a new Gallup poll published Tuesday found that millennials were far more likely to politically identify as feudalists than previous generations. “Our survey showed that Americans born between 1981 and 1996, more so than any other age…Read more...

With E3 coming up in less than a month, it’s time to prepare yourself for three days of red-hot game announcements, trailers, and demos from some of the biggest names in video games. Are you ready, gamers? Here’s this year’s press conference schedule.

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Claiming he has “taken a good, long look” at houses, hospitals, churches, and other structures intended for human use or habitation, retail associate Arnold Drucker, 32, said Tuesday that since he has been in or near a great number of buildings, he assumes he would be a pretty good architect. “I mean,…Read more...

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YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Collectively rising up against the threat to their rust belt community, the citizens of Youngstown, a former steel and foundry center, were protesting Tuesday the construction of a truck stop that would obstruct views of the nearby state penitentiary. “That penitentiary has been the symbolic heart of…Read more...

Pope Francis announced a decree requiring priests and nuns to report incidents of abuse or cover-ups to church authorities, saying “the crimes of sexual abuse offend Our Lord […] and harm the community of the faithful.” What do you think?Read more...

Get ready, Pokémon fans, because we have some wonderful news for you: After years of requests from people all over the world, Nintendo announced today that they are finally adding a new grass-type Pokémon based on James Gandolfini in tribute to the late actor’s extraordinary career.Read more...

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BURBANK, CA—Facing a backlash over what is perhaps the show’s most confounding move to date, producers for ABC’s The Bachelorette attempted to fend off criticism Monday for its controversial decision to feature a 13-year-old girl in the titular role of the program’s latest season. “She may be a little younger than our…Read more...

After the Trump administration’s failure to comply with congressional requests, Speaker Nancy Pelosi warned that the United States was in a “constitutional crisis” and stressed that House Democrats might move to hold officials beyond William Barr in contempt of Congress. What do you think?Read more...

For some, summer means a time to take in the sunshine and bask in the beauty of nature. But for gamers, summer is the perfect chance to retreat into the air-conditioning and make some serious progress on your backlog of titles. Here are the top games that the guy dating Corey’s mom said he would buy for him this…Read more...

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We all know the gaming world can be tough for women. They are harassed and bullied, and good female characters are few and far between. Thankfully, feminist gamers finally have something to get excited about: The team behind Dead Or Alive 6 have taken a stand and given every one of the female characters in their game…Read more...

NEW BRITAIN, CT—In an attempt to proactively quash concerns among the brand’s diehard fans, Craftsman announced Monday that its newest line of hammers would indeed be backwards-compatible with previous generations of nails. “For anybody worried about whether their nails will still work with the new upgrades, have no…Read more...

MADISON, WI—Taking a moment to reflect on his hard-won personal accomplishment, area liberal Tom Hudson expressed relief Monday that he would never again have to engage in self-examination after finally assembling all the correct opinions. “It definitely wasn’t easy, but now that I have all the proper perspectives on…Read more...

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In a lengthy and impassioned editorial, Facebook cofounder Chris Hughes pressed for the U.S. government to regulate the social media giant in order to combat its monopolistic stranglehold on internet communication and lack of accountability. What do you think?Read more...

For the first time in his presidency, Donald Trump asserted executive privilege to prevent the release of redacted portions of Robert S. Mueller III’s report and other evidence from his investigation. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the previously endangered creatures to their natural habitat, the United States Fish and Wildlife Service announced Friday a widespread effort to reintroduce straw hat-wearing boys to old fishin’ holes. “These winsome, sunburned, overall-clad specimens—a rural variety of the common…Read more...

About half of all marriages end in divorce, in what can be an incredibly painful process for a couple to go through. The Onion offers some helpful tips for taking stress and anxiety out of a divorce.Read more...

PHOENIX—Swiftly responding to a leaked video they called “incongruent with their core values,” conservative activist group Turning Point USA issued a statement Friday condemning a University Of Nevada, Las Vegas chapter student for filming a racist viral video in portrait mode. “With hundreds of thousands of dollars…Read more...

SILVER SPRING, MD—Asking the public to exercise caution and notify authorities if they encounter the “extremely dangerous” natural disaster, the National Weather Service released a composite sketch Friday of a tornado that officials believe is responsible for devastating the Midwest. “While none of our eyewitnesses…Read more...

PENNSAUKEN, NJ—Warning the children that the 75-year-old matriarch had been dealing with a number of health problems lately, local mother Wendy Gritton devoted the majority of an hour-long car ride Friday to explaining what things will be different about their grandmother during this visit. “Remember, kids, Nana is…Read more...

MONTGOMERY, AL—Defending the measure as necessary to fully eliminate the practice of terminating pregnancies, Alabama Gov. Kay Ivey signed a bill Friday cracking down on abortions by outlawing all medical procedures in the state. “The only way to ensure that not a single abortion ever takes place in the state of…Read more...

BOSTON—Fuming as he referred to the on-field product as “totally unacceptable,” upset Red Sox fan James McCormack pulled aside a Fenway Park employee Friday and demanded to speak to the team’s manager. “Is this the way they treat paying customers? I’m gonna need someone to come up here and explain the level of play I…Read more...

Every company has its weakest link, and at game developer CrushTek Software, that person is programmer David Powell. He apparently doesn’t care that everyone knows how lazy and unprofessional he is because he leaves his office by 11:45 p.m. every single day.Read more...

There’s been some changes lately ’round these parts. Spilling over the countryside from hill to holler, Muslim immigrants have poured in by the millions. And they ain’t just in the big cities anymore. No, sir. They’re in our small towns, too, and some of ’em are even getting themselves elected to public office. Now, I…Read more...

CHICAGO—Speculating that the self-anesthetizing, scalpel-bearing woman must have left the house in a big hurry that morning, passengers on a crowded Chicago Brown Line train confirmed Friday that a fellow rider attempted a quick session of plastic surgery on her face while on her way to work. “She must have overslept…Read more...

A recent investigation into the president’s taxes found that his businesses lost over $1 billion from 1985 to 1995, suggesting he lost more money in those years than nearly any other U.S. taxpayer. What do you think?Read more...

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James Cameron’s long-awaited follow-up to Avatar has seen its release date pushed back by a year until December 17, 2021. What do you think?Read more...

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DENVER—Telling them the relationship would stay the same no matter what happens, divorcing parents Lydia Block and Greg Pascale took a moment to assure their anxious young children that their family dog would always love them, sources reported Thursday. “I know this is a big change, but even though Mommy and Daddy…Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—Following the Colorado school shooting that left one dead and eight others wounded, YouTube announced Thursday it had moved quickly to shut down the accounts of one of the suspects after receiving complaints over copyright violations. “Shortly after the heartbreaking events in Highlands Ranch, we took…Read more...

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