The Onion

PASADENA, CA—According to panicking officials at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, the new InSight lander successfully touched down on the Red Planet Monday, transmitted a few seconds of footage showing the Mars Curiosity rover charging hard in its direction, and then went completely dark. “In a series of blurry…Read more...

NEW YORK—Remembering the mixture of fear and surprise they felt during the dark time in their past, a group of Holocaust survivors recalled the exact day that the Holocaust started right out of the blue, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You’d think there would’ve been some warning signs, but nope—everything was going along…Read more...

Ohio Gov. John Kasich revealed on Sunday that he’s “very seriously” considering taking on President Trump in 2020, stressing that Americans “need different leadership, there isn’t any question about it.” What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—As part of an ongoing effort to modernize the city’s aging infrastructure, New York mayor Bill de Blasio approved a $13-billion renovation plan Thursday aimed at ridding JFK Airport of the former president’s ghost. “We’ve been getting complaints for years and frankly, it’s embarrassing that one of the busiest…Read more...

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MOSCOW—Condemning the actions of the Ukranians over the past millennium as “completely unacceptable by the standards of free and civilized people,” Russian president Vladimir Putin condemned on Monday the unprovoked 1,000-year Ukrainian occupation of South Russia. “We will no longer stand for this inexcusable and…Read more...

JAMESTOWN, PA—Upon learning that their products had been utilized by U.S. border patrol agents on migrants attempting to enter the country, tear gas manufacturers were reportedly worried Monday about their association with everything that tear gas is used for. “It’s troubling to turn on the news and see that our…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Scratching at the smooth, glowing bumps and simultaneously screaming with horror, 325 million terrified Americans reportedly awoke Cyber Monday to find Amazon Echo devices embedded deep beneath their skin. “When I went to bed, I was totally fine, but now I have this big, round smart speaker bulging out of…Read more...

The historic California Camp Fire, the largest wildfire in the state’s history, has finally been contained after raging since Nov. 5, wiping out thousands of homes and killing dozens. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Taking advantage of the new service that saves time and undue stress, sources confirmed Monday that more travelers are avoiding long airport lines this season with Cinnabon PreCheck memberships. “With Cinnabon PreCheck, you can skip the arduous waits at the airport and speed through to grab a warm, gooey…Read more...

QUADRANT 6, NEO JERSEY—Slowly shuffling his chained feet forward in the long line to receive a rationed protein cube in observance of the special day, human slave M4XX872 recalled when Cyber Monday was about celebrating savings and not just commemorating the Great Robot Uprising of 2025. “Cyber Monday used to be a…Read more...

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EUGENE, OR—Citing the potential threat to the safety of their children, a coalition of concerned parents issued a statement Monday condemning dozens of popular video games spanning a range of publishers and platforms for what they claimed were grossly misleading depictions of the difficulty involved in smashing wooden…Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing his grief and despair over his fallen friend, musical celebrity emeritus Paul McCartney was saddened Monday to learn that his longtime collaborator and Beatles bandmate John Lennon had died. “I’m shocked and saddened to hear about the passing of a man I’ve long counted among my best mates,” said…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—A study released Monday by animal behaviorists at Cornell University found that dogs that twitch, move their paws repeatedly, or growl in their sleep are, in fact, dreaming vividly about tearing their owners limb from limb. “After thousands of hours of observation, we are forced to conclude that any dog…Read more...

A new study suggests that breastfed babies have a healthier weight than either formula-fed or bottled breast milk-fed babies. What do you think?Read more...

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NOTRE DAME, IN—Welling up with emotion upon finally setting foot on the hallowed tile surface, college senior Anthony Harper fulfilled his lifelong dream Saturday after finally being allowed to shower with the Notre Dame football team. “A lot of people told me I would never make it into these showers, but I knew that…Read more...

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A new study suggests that voters who supported President Obama but switched to Trump in 2016 tended to be more racially conservative and have less liberal attitudes towards racial minorities, contradicting the narrative attributing the shift to economic anxieties. What do you think?Read more...

CHICAGO—A report released today confirmed that you, a reader known for your discerning taste and keen intellect, have been selected to make a purchase from The Onion store. “Congratulations! America’s Finest News Source has chosen to give you, and you alone, the rare opportunity to step inside our digital store and…Read more...

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Entertaining dozens of options in her search for the perfect birthday gift, local 27-year-old Alison Levine reportedly spent Friday toying with getting her sister something nice they could do together before settling on a candle. “At first I thought I’d get her a gift certificate so we could bond at a…Read more...

Americans sit down today to commemorate the first Pilgrims’ harvest by gathering with relatives and enjoying traditional Thanksgiving meals. What are you thankful for this year?Read more...

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PHOENIX, AZ—Unanimously insisting that the 17 separate tasks would only take a moment and be no trouble at all, each and every member of the Blake family present for Thanksgiving dinner Thursday reportedly undertook a chore in order to get some time away from the rest of their family. “Here, now, I can take the trash…Read more...

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Emphasizing the importance of savoring each moment with her family while she still can, 93-year-old grandmother Regina Silver expressed fears Thursday that this Thanksgiving might be the last time she would see Derek Silver, 25, her notorious fuck-up grandson, before his death. “That boy just seems to…Read more...

NEW YORK—Unable to escape the crowded procession, local man Alex Boutros was pissed Thursday after becoming trapped in the Macy’s Day Parade while he was out walking his giant Pikachu balloon. “Goddammit, this is just my fucking luck,” said Boutros, who was stuck between the Rockettes and the “Snoopy’s Doghouse”…Read more...

Braving airport crowds and flight delays, 43 million Americans will travel home this week to spend Thanksgiving with friends and family, the organization AAA predicted. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the undertaking would provide an extremely rewarding experience for families during the holiday season, the Humane Society released a statement Wednesday urging Americans to opt for a shelter turkey this Thanksgiving. “Sure, some of our turkeys are a little rougher around the edges, but they…Read more...

Thanksgiving is one of America’s oldest and most cherished cultural traditions. The Onion looks back at the history of Thanksgiving.Read more...

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported that the number of Americans with Alzheimer’s or dementia will double by 2060, growing from 5 million to 13.9 million cases. What do you think?Read more...

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Former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg will give $1.8 billion to his alma mater to create need-blind admissions in perpetuity. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Introducing an updated and expanded lineup for the much-anticipated annual event, single aunts across America released their official Thanksgiving 2018 boyfriend roster, family sources confirmed Tuesday. “We’re excited to show off one of the strongest rookie classes in years, as all sorts of up-and-coming…Read more...

ITHACA, NY—In a new study released Tuesday by Cornell University, researchers revealed that the average adult male thinks of Santa Claus once every seven seconds. “Based on our extensive data, we can confirm that if you’re having a conversation with a man, whether he is young or old, chances are good that he is…Read more...

CHICAGO—Pronouncing the licensed retail goods acquisition technique “an effective method for citizens who wish to make their voices heard in these turbulent times,” a recent study conducted by the Brookings Institution concluded that purchasing items from the Onion store was the most important way for Americans to…Read more...

Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill putting California on track for a goal of 100 percent clean energy and carbon neutrality by 2045. What do you think?Read more...

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The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 1.3 percent of children born in 2017 did not receive any recommended vaccinations compared to 0.3 percent in 2001. What do you think?Read more...

DELANCO, NJ—Crouching on the river’s muddy banks as they carefully weighed down the journalist’s dismembered corpse with bricks, President Donald Trump informed Mohammed bin Salman Monday that they will never speak of this again as they dumped Jamal Khashoggi’s body into the Delaware River. “This never happened,…Read more...

CHICAGO—In an announcement perceived as a major reassurance to parents of children with low cognitive abilities, subpar reasoning skills, or who are simply “not all there,” top national pediatric health experts released a report Monday which claims that full-contact football poses little risk to children whose brains…Read more...

ISLAND HARBOR, ANGUILLA—In an effort to cut down on the crippling costs of their $190 million roster, the New York Yankees avoided Major League Baseball’s luxury tax this week by moving the franchise to an offshore location. “The Yankees have called New York home for 115 years, but unfortunately, moving the staff and…Read more...

ELKINS PARK, PA—Saying that “the universe works in mysterious ways,” local woman Rebecca Ellis claimed Monday to be amazed at how she found the perfect partner just when she was getting desperate enough to accept anything. “Who would have thought I’d find the most perfect guy for me at almost the same instant I…Read more...

NEW YORK—Clarifying that none of their trains feature intercom systems, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority revealed Monday they have no clue where the disembodied voice speaking to everyone on the subway was originating. “The MTA has never at any point hired a speaker to tell passengers ‘Stand clear of the…Read more...

BANGOR, ME—Admitting that their decade-long overindulgence in recreational stimulants rendered their memories “pretty much a blur,” the American populace admitted Monday to being so coked-out during the 1980s that they had no recollection whatsoever of reading Stephen King’s best-selling horror novel Cujo. “I have an…Read more...

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