The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was…Read more...

EARTH—Singling out you and you alone among the great many children of His wondrous and bountiful creation, God, the Giver of Life and Maker of the Universe, is speaking to you directly through this story’s headline, heavenly sources reported Thursday.Read more...

Former Silicon Valley star T.J. Miller is facing a federal charge after allegedly calling in a false threat suggesting that a passenger on his Amtrak Train had a bomb in her purse. The sentence could carry up to a five-year prison sentence. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Claiming that their new Extended Tracking™ feature would provide customers with additional security and peace of mind, UPS introduced new ordering metrics Wednesday designed to give updates on a delivery driver’s location for years after they have dropped off customers’ packages. “For an extra $5.99, we’re now…Read more...

Federal agents who recently raided the office of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen were searching for all records related to the infamous “Access Hollywood” tape as well as evidence that he made payments to suppress evidence of Trump’s affairs. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE, WA—Saying they had no respect for the luminaries who had come before them and helped pave the bloody way, serial killer Gerald Pinkney expressed his annoyance Wednesday with young murderers who held no appreciation for innovative child rapist and cannibal Albert Fish. “Man, these millennials think they…Read more...

A woman in Ulyanovsk, Russia died in surgery after doctors accidentally embalmed her alive by putting her on a formaldehyde-based drip rather than saline one. What do you think?Read more...

PYEONGCHANG, SOUTH KOREA—Decrying the rapid decay of what were planned to be pillars of the local community, PyeongChang officials confirmed Wednesday that only weeks after the Olympics, many of their athletes were already completely dilapidated. “The Olympics were supposed to be about building the future of South…Read more...

ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!” said…Read more...

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Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg apologized for Russian election interference and third-party use of user data on Tuesday in a testimony to Congress, telling lawmakers “it was my mistake, and I’m sorry.” What do you think?Read more...

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Cyberattacks continue to rise in frequency and scope, affecting everyone from private citizens to corporations to city governments, with frequently embarrassing or distressing results. The Onion takes a look at some key facts about cybercrime.Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—In a report revealing new insights into early developmental psychology, researchers from the University of Kansas concluded Tuesday that parents spend much of the first four years of their child’s life fluctuating wildly between hoping their child stays asleep and hoping their child wakes up. “The vast…Read more...

ANNAPOLIS, MD—Apologizing profusely for failing to properly confirm their findings before going public, researchers from the Entomological Society of America retracted Tuesday their claims about the discovery of a new species of spider last week, admitting that the supposed arachnid was actually just a clump of dust…Read more...

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Owing to efforts by conservationists and local governments, the population of the giant panda rose 17 percent from 2004 to 2014, leading to the species being downgraded from endangered to vulnerable. What do you think?Read more...

Clearing the way for talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-Un, U.S. officials reported that North Korea is ready to discuss denuclearization. What do you think?Read more...

ANAHEIM, CA—Frustrated with the level of play he has encountered during his first week of competition in the American major leagues, Japanese baseball phenom Shohei Ohtani told reporters Monday that he’d hoped American players wouldn’t be this bad. “When I decided to leave Japan to sign with the [Los Angeles] Angels,…Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Taking it upon themselves to notify users of potential repercussions stemming from the site’s recent privacy breach, Facebook announced plans Sunday to inform victims of the Cambridge Analytica data leak whether they need to burn down their houses, cut off their fingerprints, and start their lives over…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Expressing their excitement at the preview of the latest installment in the popular franchise, self-proclaimed Star Wars fans told reporters Monday that they were blown away by a newly released Solo trailer that sheds light on specifically how the upcoming film will suck. “In the past, they’ve teased at the…Read more...

DECATUR, IL—Expressing frustration after wasting so much time germinating, absorbing soil nutrients, and learning about the rich culture of the Hunan province, a local soybean was reportedly pissed Monday upon learning that the ongoing trade war meant its trip to China was canceled. “Christ, this is just my fucking…Read more...

CARLISLE, IA—Calling the potential transition a drastic but much-needed change of pace, oat farmer Bill Gannon told reporters Monday he’s seriously thinking about getting into barley. “Obviously, cultivating oats will always have a special place in my heart, but recently I can’t help but wonder if harvesting barley is…Read more...

MIDVALE, UT—Tempting fate by putting together an evening of semi-competitive, semi-collaborative recreation, local unstable couple Molly and Jared Ball flouted common sense by organizing a game night for their friends Monday. “Man, those two are really hanging their asses in the wind with this game night,” said Amir…Read more...

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DELRAY BEACH, FL—Attributing the recent drop-off in cognition to his advanced age, relatives of Arnold Simmons told reporters Monday that the 74-year-old was now noticeably struggling to keep the personal failings of all his family members straight. “It’s so sad hearing this once-vibrant man call my brother Peter an…Read more...

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TORRANCE, CA—Touting the vehicle as the best in its class for preventing the gruesome demise of offspring, a commercial for the 2018 Honda City that premiered Monday openly tells viewers that their kids will die in a car crash if they buy a different brand. “With Honda, you can rest easy knowing your son or daughter…Read more...

The Fairmont Empress Hotel has forgiven a guest 17 years after he left a suitcase filled with pepperoni sticks by an open window, thereby attracting a flock of seagulls and causing the room’s destruction. What do you think?Read more...

Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey hit U.S. theaters 50 years ago this week, changing sci-fi filmmaking forever with its stunning setpieces and psychedelic visuals. What do you think?Read more...

AUGUSTA, GA—Noting that the out-of-control individuals harassed numerous female attendees and sent the world price of eggs and pork into a free fall, PGA officials reportedly had to break up a crowd of rowdy fans who were committing commodities fraud Friday in the Augusta National’s parking lot. “We’ve received…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to destigmatize the condition of those who live with pathological self-centeredness, former basketball great Kobe Bryant held a press conference Friday to announce the launch a new foundation to help children struggling with severe narcissism. “I’ve dealt with this condition my whole life, so…Read more...

HOUSTON—Emphasizing the practice’s many health benefits, a new study released Friday by the Baylor College of Medicine found that new mothers who ate their doctor after birth were able to reabsorb many essential nutrients and minerals lost during the delivery process. “Among women who had just gone through labor,…Read more...

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Touting the appliance as a fun new way for kids to speed up their mornings, KitchenAid unveiled a spring-loaded toaster Friday that is designed to enable rad high school students to grab a piece of toast in midair on their way out of the house. “This sleek, state-of-the-art pop-up toaster has been…Read more...

SEABROOK, NH—Warning that the real-life Wolverine was about to start some serious shit, third-grade sources reported Friday that Michael Handley, the kid on the other side of the playground putting pencils between his knuckles, was about to fuck someone up. “Man, I would not mess with that kid if I were you,” reported…Read more...

RALEIGH, NC—Expressing excitement at the long-term benefits of her new workout routine, exercising woman Brianna Newton reported Friday that she was really beginning to feel the burn of a lifelong injury developing. “Oh, yeah—I’m definitely starting to feel some results [from my repeated misuse of the treadmill and…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—In a charitable act he hoped would protect future pontiffs from suffering the same spiritual fate that he had endured, retired Pope Benedict XVI pledged his soul to the Vatican Friday for purposes of ecclesiastic research following his death. “As a former Bishop of Rome, my soul has been exposed to…Read more...

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Federal agents arrested the designers of the Schlitterbahn water slide in Kansas City that decapitated a 10-year-old rider. What do you think?Read more...

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Special Counsel Robert Mueller told President Trump that he is a subject—but not a criminal target—in the ongoing Russia investigation, though experts say this may be a ploy to lull the president into a false sense of security. What do you think?Read more...

NORRISTOWN, PA—Deciding his firstborn was old enough to learn about the cultural dangers of having things in his hands, African American dad Aaron Mitchell pulled his son aside Thursday to have “the talk” about holding literally any object. “Listen, son, it’s time you learned how to conduct yourself in public. It may…Read more...

NEW YORK—In a discovery that flies in the face of conventional law enforcement wisdom of what does and does not constitute a deadly firearm, weapons and non-weapons experts alike reported Thursday that an array of objects including but not limited to steel pipes, wallets, and cell phones are not, in fact, guns. “After…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a deeply disturbing finding that has sent shockwaves throughout the nation and the world, officials from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service confirmed Thursday that cows have gone extinct.Read more...