The Onion
| Link | https://theonion.com/ |
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| Updated | 2024-11-27 04:00 |
by The Onion on (#3JZDK)
Despite threats of legal action from the White House, adult film actress and director Stormy Daniels will appear in an interview with Anderson Cooper this Sunday to discuss her relationship with President Trump. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JZ0D)
YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Hailing it as an exciting new way to experience the park in all its glory, Yosemite National Park announced Friday that it had completed construction of a new six-lane scenic driving trail. “We’re proud to announce the opening of our new six-lane Sierra Heritage Supertrail, which will traverse…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JYFH)
LAKE FOREST, IL—Exhilarated by the atmosphere of sheer madcap anarchy created by the subtle variations in their visual acuity, a group of friends trying on each others’ glasses Friday reveled in the glorious mayhem of their somewhat different prescriptions. “Whoa! Everything is super blurry!†said Katherine Grant, 27,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JYCX)
VATICAN CITY—Claiming the religion was infringing upon His personality rights, Jesus Christ, the Light of the World, sued the Catholic Church Friday for alleged unlicensed use of His image. “Today, I have filed a lawsuit against the Roman Catholic Church for its unlawful appropriation of my likeness in their branding…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3JYCY)
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by The Onion on (#3JYCZ)
ARLINGTON, VA—In a historic decree proclaiming the time had come for blood to be shed upon every corner of the Earth and for each enemy to be pursued unto death, the Pentagon declared Thursday that it would consolidate all the nation’s wars, from now until the end of days, into one final, epic battle.Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JYA2)
Researchers are developing a hypothetical spacecraft to collide with an asteroid that would otherwise strike Earth on Sept. 25, 2135, while stressing that the 1-in-2,700 chance of this happening is very slight. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JYA3)
O’FALLON, MO—Struggling with the right way to inform colleagues of the decision, local sales representative Hugh Wenzel was reportedly unsure Friday how to break the news that he was leaving the Ripple Group to his coworkers who didn’t really care whether he lives or dies. “I could send them each an email explaining…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JY7D)
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3JWTC)
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by The Onion on (#3JWTD)
AUSTIN, TX—Deeply lamenting the loss of young Mark Anthony Conditt, the precocious yet thoughtful go-getter with a penchant for politics, city officials confirmed Thursday that the true Austin bomber was everyone who failed this sensitive, promising kid. “What our investigation is attempting to determine is this:…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JWPH)
Adding an influential voice to the social media boycott, WhatsApp co-founder Brian Acton said that he would join the movement that arose out of the website’s Cambridge Analytics scandal and delete his Facebook account. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JWDC)
BALTIMORE—In response to a number of disturbing incidents occurring in the area, civil rights organization NAACP issued a travel advisory Thursday warning black Americans to exercise extreme caution when visiting their own backyards. “We urge African Americans to be very careful and vigilant when venturing out onto…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JWDD)
CHICAGO—Saying it was ultimately a small price to pay in exchange for the splendid spectacle that has followed, millions of Americans admitted Thursday that they didn’t really mind having their Facebook data stolen if it meant getting to watch that little fucker squirm. “Sure, it sucks that my private information was…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JW8Y)
NEW YORK—Saying that he was able to draw upon a lifetime of dramatic study to achieve the desired effect, classically trained actor Alan Viccellio told reporters Thursday that he could talk on cue. “After years of practice, someone can just point at me and I’ll bust out a whole sentence without even really thinking…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3JW35)
BURBANK, CA—In a revelation that many are saying will tarnish his widely celebrated legacy, sources confirmed Thursday that damning footage recently obtained from Warner Bros. Pictures shows stage and film star Al Jolson wearing blackface. “It’s unfortunate, given all his contributions to American popular music, but I…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JVSH)
MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to demonstrate the social media platform’s total commitment to profits, Mark Zuckerberg took to his personal Facebook page Thursday to promise that the company’s misuse of personal data will, as of now, happen again and again. “We have a responsibility to our users, and if we can’t…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JVP7)
Parent-teacher conferences can be a valuable way to foster a better learning environment for children both in and outside of the classroom. The Onion offers tips to both teachers and parents for making the most of this meeting.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JVK7)
SAN FRANCISCO—Saying his stubborn unwillingness to take responsibility for his life had done far more to distance him from friends and family than the extreme heat, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Bryce Galloway continues to insist that his problems stem from his entire body being engulfed in intense flames.…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JVK8)
Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, is suing fellow dating app Bumble for infringement on patents including its swipe-based interface. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JSQW)
Sudan, the last male northern white rhino, died this week at 45 due to age-related health complications, leaving the only hope of reviving the subspecies with using IVF to impregnate the remaining two female northern white rhinos. What do you think?Read more...
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Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JS58)
WHITTIER, CA—Saying his regurgitated arguments about elites exploiting working-class Americans were simply precious, sources confirmed Wednesday that an adorable 23-year-old on a tirade about economic oppression must have just read Howard Zinn’s A People’s History Of The United States for the first time. “Aw, listen…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JS59)
MENLO PARK, CA—Boosting the popular articles much to its own chagrin, the Facebook algorithm was reportedly mortified Wednesday that it had to deliver up so much completely embarrassing news about its own company. “First with Cambridge Analytica and then with FB stock dropping, God, I’ve just had to promote countless…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JRVF)
CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a troubling revelation concerning the living conditions of millions nationwide, a Harvard University study confirmed Wednesday that only 40 percent of mice in the continental U.S. have a little welcome mat and doorway leading to a tiny home inside a wall. “Our research shows that, disturbingly, less…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JRR7)
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JRNW)
POMONA, CA—Acknowledging that although she has always imagined her special day as something out of a storybook, bride-to-be Beth Wharton admitted Wednesday that it would be kind of thrilling if someone objected at her wedding. “I’ve spent so much time and money planning the perfect wedding, but I can’t deny it would…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JRKJ)
BOSTON—Emphasizing the detrimental health effects of nocturnal respiratory sound generation on sufferers, a report released Wednesday by researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital found that snoring may increase one’s risk of having their throats cut ear to ear during the night by loved ones. “Our results appear to…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JRAA)
President Donald Trump pressured senior staff members into signing long-lasting nondisclosure agreements that subject them to $10 million in fines should they leak confidential information to the press. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JRAB)
SANTA MONICA, CA—Alarmed by the red vinyl seats, chrome accents, and no-frills dining options that suggested he’d been hurled backwards in time, Johnny Rockets customer Jason Levick was reportedly terrified Wednesday after evidently falling through a wormhole into the 1950s. “I just opened the door to a restaurant in…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3JPT8)
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by The Onion on (#3JPQW)
Rideshare service Uber suspended autonomous car testing nationwide after a self-driving car struck and killed an Arizona woman crossing the street. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JPKN)
SAN FRANCISCO—During an investigation Tuesday into the first pedestrian fatality caused by a driverless automobile, an Uber representative reportedly told a National Transportation Safety Board detective, “As you can see, they are quite harmless,†while showing him a warehouse full of sleeping autonomous cars. “Look…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JNZC)
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by The Onion on (#3JNWS)
WASHINGTON—Concluding they had finally located the smoking gun, 379,000 Reddit users are reported to have simultaneously developed the belief that they had found the missing link in the investigation into alleged ties between Russia and President Trump’s 2016 campaign. “This is it—this is going to blow everything wide…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JNWT)
Listen up, you bastard, I don’t know who you are or why you did this, but if you so much as touch a single hair on my daughter’s head, there will be hell to pay. Let me make one thing crystal clear: That kid is the most important thing in the world to me, and I will do whatever it takes to bring her home. I want my…Read more...
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by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3JNKN)
NEW YORK—Claiming the video game company’s unauthorized, decades-long use of their brand and intellectual property has resulted in financial losses running into the hundreds of millions, the National Football League sued Electronic Arts Tuesday to stop the production, sale, and distribution of its unlicensed “Madden…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JNKP)
A French bulldog died after a United flight attendant instructed a passenger to place it in the overhead bin at the outset of the journey. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JN7Q)
JOLIET, IL—Purposefully whispering loud enough for everyone in the cafeteria to overhear, popular-girl sources reported Tuesday that the freak over there totally has the hots for you. “Don’t look now, but the freak is just staring at you,†reported Alicia, echoing the sentiments of Madison, Jayla, both Emmas, and Kait…Read more...
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by The Onion on (#3JKN1)
Vladimir Putin won his widely expected fourth and final term on Sunday with over 70 percent of the vote, extending his rule over the world’s largest country for six more years. What do you think?Read more...
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by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JKE1)
SEATTLE, WA—Calling on facts and information learned while listening to a podcast about the Watergate scandal the previous night, 38-year-old systems analyst Ryan Graham burst into a conversation about current events between coworkers Monday and, guns fucking blazing, unleashed the full force of his newfound…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JK3P)
WARREN, MI—Saying the establishment was both close to the airport and just off the highway, your dad announced Monday that he knows of a great hotel just 10 miles away from the city you’re visiting. “It’s a pretty good deal, and if you do decide to head downtown, they have a shuttle bus that can drop you off at the…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JK3Q)
DOVER, DE—Getting quickly sidetracked by the mistakes on the insurance company’s “See My Benefits†page, local hacker Ben Kerrigan resolved Monday to just fix a few annoying typos on Guaranteed Health’s website before stealing their customer data. “Jesus, there are so many misspellings and doubled-up words in this…Read more...
by Slim Jim on (#3JK0K)
Absolute joy to rub it in the faces of coworkers who doubted you.Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JJQ8)
BARTLETT, TN—Saying he didn’t deserve to be treated like a pervert for the rest of his life because of one stupid mistake, local man Michael Horne told reporters Monday that it was completely unfair he ended up on the state’s sex offender registry just for public urination on a child. “It’s super fucked up that I’m in…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3JJQ9)
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by The Onion on (#3JJN1)
Toys ‘R’ Us is in the process of filing to liquidate its business, a move that would close all 800 locations in the U.S. What do you think?Read more...
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