The Onion

CANCUN, MEXICO—Insisting none of the myriad souvenirs before him could possibly capture the all-inclusive resort’s fantastic buffet, local man Robert Washburn told reporters Wednesday he feared his Cancun vacation was far too complex to be conveyed through a single keychain. “Yes, of course, it’s true that I ‘heart’…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the “secret program” would be forever suspended, Maybelline global president Leonardo Chavez announced Thursday that the company would stop testing new products on unsuspecting customers in the middle of night. “As of today, Maybelline will no longer test any of our products—including…Read more...

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Congressional negotiators have reached a tentative deal to avert a shutdown, providing $1.375 billion for 55 new miles of border fencing in Texas’ Rio Grande Valley area, which some conservative pundits have criticized as far short of Trump’s requested amount. What do you think?Read more...

MARS—Journeying thousands of lightyears to honor their fallen peer, spacecraft traveled from all over the Milky Way to attend a ceremony celebrating the late Opportunity rover’s life, sources close to the deceased reported Wednesday. “We came as soon as we received the gamma-ray transmission informing us of…Read more...

SUNNYSIDE, WA—Asserting that the matter was a simple weather-related livestock incident requiring no particular investigation, Washington state authorities announced first thing Wednesday morning that an unusually intense blizzard was responsible for the deaths of 1,600 mutilated dairy cows found arranged in a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—As part of an ongoing effort to promote voices historically neglected by the magazine, National Geographic announced Wednesday that it would expand the ideological diversity of its masthead by hiring its first-ever writer opposed to tree frogs. “We grow stronger as a publication when we are able to provide…Read more...

A Global Burden of Disease analysis found that deaths per 100,000 people declined 32.7 percent since 1990, a promising finding that researchers attribute to greater spending on prevention. What do you think?Read more...

SHAKER HEIGHTS, OH—Visibly wincing while watching the sensei’s assistant being slammed repeatedly to the tatami mat, onlookers at Buckeye Aikido Academy confirmed Wednesday that understudy Barry Eiselmann was getting his ass absolutely whipped during a demonstration of basic takedowns. “Wow, he just fucking threw him…Read more...

Artificial intelligence has been at the forefront of technological innovation for decades, giving rise to thrilling possibilities as well as provoking controversy about its potential consequences for humankind. The Onion presents a timeline of artificial intelligence.Read more...

A recent analysis found more than 40 percent of insect species are declining and a third are endangered, a development that threatens to upend ecosystems worldwide. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Saying it was standard for any expecting mother’s 20-week checkup, ultrasound technician Jean Krebacher asked one of her pregnant patients Tuesday if she would like to know the name of her unborn child. “This is the moment of truth—I can tell you the first name now, or you can wait to find out until delivery,”…Read more...

Clark County, the region of Washington troubled by an outbreak of 50 cases of measles, has seen vaccination rates surge by 500 percent in the past month as parents scramble to ensure their children are not infected. What do you think?Read more...

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Saying he’d definitely need a lot more of a “hook” to captivate a courtroom, local attorney Ari Berkley reportedly told her character witness Tuesday that he just doesn’t have what it takes to be a star witness. “Look—you’ve got great delivery, and you’re clearly passionate about the case, but I’m not…Read more...

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Following blowback from politicians and residents of New York City, tech giant Amazon is reportedly considering not placing its second headquarters in Long Island City. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Responding to a tumultuous trade deadline that saw most of the roster floated for potential deals, LeBron James and his Lakers teammates confirmed Monday that they were hoping this horrible series of failed betrayals would bring them closer as a team. “I’m really trying to stay positive, and I think the…Read more...

MUNCIE, IN—Shaking their heads in disgust at the irresponsible man’s laziness and lack of initiative, sources disclosed to reporters Monday that impoverished 53-year-old Luke Reilly has never earned passive income from stock dividends a day in his life. “It’s an absolute disgrace that there are people in this country…Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a military acquisition officials are calling “so fucking badass,” the Pentagon announced Monday that they have allocated the $600,000 necessary to purchase the actual gun used by Al Pacino in the iconic 1983 film Scarface. “It may seem at first to be a disproportionate expenditure, but this gun is the…Read more...

A new survey found that the average player only completed 22 percent of the lengthy main storyline of Red Dead Redemption 2, suggesting that many video gamers are unable to find the time or motivation to finish such long campaigns. What do you think?Read more...

SUN CITY, AZ—Noticeably confused when his face lit up at the mere mention of her name, the Snyder family admitted Monday to being unsure as to exactly why Paul Swensen, the eldercare nurse employed as the caregiver to their grandmother Ruth, genuinely seems to enjoy spending time with her. “He talks and jokes with…Read more...

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MEDINA, WA—Standing on the roof of his towering estate as the tiny machines buzzed all around him, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set loose hundreds of Prime Air drones Friday to hunt down and retrieve the nude photos of him obtained by the National Enquirer. “Take your army and bring them back to me!” cackled…Read more...

A major new study found that e-cigarettes are twice as effective as gum or patches in helping users quit smoking, with 18 percent of vapers being able to quit over a one-year period. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—In response to a litany of high-profile trades and a general sense of dissatisfaction from many star players, NBA commissioner Adam Silver sent out a league-wide message Friday simply asking players “where the fuck [they] want to play basketball.” “Look, we’re just going to put all this bullshit to rest and…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Sending a strong signal that the move could swing his decision on where to sign, free agent outfielder Bryce Harper asked Friday whether the Philadelphia Phillies would be willing to relocate to another city. “I’m a big fan of coach [Gabe] Kapler and the roster he’s assembled, but I’d love to see the…Read more...

Federal climate experts announced this week that 2018, a year in which the U.S. experienced $91 billion in direct losses from weather disasters, was the fourth-hottest year on record. What do you think?Read more...

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Millennials are responsible for nearly half of the overall U.S. consumption of wine, but even as its popularity soars, many misconceptions about wine persist, from purchasing strategies, to pairings, to health benefits. The Onion debunks some of the common myths about wine.Read more...

CHICAGO—Observing how the pair had infused the entire establishment with a savage sexual energy, patrons of Belmont Karaoke Bar speculated Thursday that the couple performing a duet of “Suddenly Seymour” were probably going to fuck like animals immediately afterwards. “Oh, man, the chemistry between those two? No way…Read more...

PHOENIX—Screaming in alarm the moment she turned on her television, Cindy McCain reportedly dialed 911 Thursday and informed police she had seen a violent black woman attacking her daughter on the daytime talk show The View. “Please help! There is a black woman yelling and gesturing at my daughter, and I don’t know…Read more...

A new bill proposed by State Representative Richard Creagan (D) would increase the smoking age in Hawaii to 100, effectively banning smoking for most people in the state. What do you think?Read more...

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Using machine learning algorithms, MIT researchers successfully taught a robot how to play the board game Jenga. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Methodically piecing together yet another trail of mocking clues left behind by an unhinged killer, NYPD homicide detective Kyle Cartwright acknowledged Thursday that just once he would like to work a case without having to solve an elaborate riddle. “I joined homicide to help people, not because I relish the…Read more...

CHICAGO—Stepping off the curb and into the crosswalk, local man Adam Hartsell reportedly made sure to look up at the driver of an approaching vehicle Thursday to ensure they would feel extra guilty in the event they failed to stop and ran him over. “The goal of this split-second eye contact is to impress my image upon…Read more...

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying the program will drastically cut wait times for those who qualify, the Transportation Security Administration on Thursday introduced an exclusive new pre-check membership that permits travelers who pass a background check and pay a fee to fly without waiting for an airplane. “For years, TSA…Read more...

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In this age of overindulgence, one student at Hillsborough Middle School has taken excess to a shocking new level: This hedonistic boy read all the weekly fun facts from his school planner in a single class.Read more...

In an address that ranged from calls for increased border security to a pledge to end the HIV epidemic, President Trump delivered the State of the Union Tuesday night. What do you think?Read more...

ST. LOUIS—Explaining that the offshoot group remained on the religion’s periphery due to their inflexible belief system, sources confirmed Wednesday that a fringe Catholic sect doesn’t tolerate child abuse. “While this splinter group considers themselves followers of Christ and his teachings, it’s important to note…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Confused and unsettled after an employee at the clothing retailer called her by her name, area woman Christine Forberg, 28, confirmed she had no memory of telling the dressing room attendant at a local Gap store who she was. “She unlocked a dressing room for me and said ‘Let me know if you need any other…Read more...

YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND—Lamenting the heedless manner in which you handled a most cherished accoutrement, sources opined Wednesday that Papa shall be so very cross you’ve lost Grandfather’s hunting cap. “Papa will simply throw a fit, a very conniption or temper, to learn that his own father’s homburg—as fine a specimen of…Read more...