The Onion

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Updated 2024-11-27 04:00
‘I Don’t Fit Into Any Of Corporate America’s Little Boxes,’ Says Single, 18-To-36-Year-Old Hispanic Female With Brand Loyalty To Tom’s, Chobani
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The Onion
on (#3KHCC)
LOS ANGELES, CA—Declaring herself a unique and sovereign individual who can’t be quantified by demographics or pigeonholed by big business, Carla Martín, a single, childless, 18-to-36-year-old bilingual Hispanic female with brand loyalty to Tom’s shoes and Chobani Greek yogurt and who expects to take two airline…Read more...
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Laura Ingraham Claims Protesting Parkland Students Don’t Have Enough Gun Knowledge To Criticize Nicholas Cruz
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The Onion
on (#3KHCD)
WASHINGTON—Claiming the nationally celebrated students should be disqualified from taking any stance on the issue, Fox News host Laura Ingraham said Friday that protesting Parkland high schoolers are insufficiently knowledgeable concerning guns to criticize Nicholas Cruz. “These are just ignorant kids who don’t know…Read more...
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Walmart Pulling ‘Cosmo’ From Checkout Lines
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The Onion
on (#3KHCE)
Responding to complaints that the magazine contained “hyper-sexualized” content, retail giant Walmart will no longer stock Cosmopolitan in checkout lines, although it will still be available in magazine aisles. What do you think?Read more...
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Conair Releases New Double-Sided Curling Iron For Flawless Burns
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The Onion
on (#3KH9N)
STAMFORD, CT—Promising more evenly charred skin than any product on the market, Conair on Friday unveiled its new Third-Degree Pro, a double-sided curling iron designed to produce absolutely flawless burns. “The Third-Degree Pro model uses our patented thermal technology to deliver fuller, more voluptuous blistering…Read more...
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Scientists Discover New Human Organ
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The Onion
on (#3KFQB)
Researchers have discovered a never-before-seen organ in humans called the interstitium, which consists of a number of interconnected, fluid-filled compartments found throughout the body. What do you think?Read more...
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Heineken Apologizes For Racist Ad With New Special-Release ‘Blacks Only’ Beer
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The Onion
on (#3KFGS)
WHITE PLAINS, NY—Acknowledging the insensitivity of its recent “Lighter Is Better” TV campaign and promising to do better in the future, beer manufacturer Heineken apologized for airing a racist ad Thursday by launching a limited-release “Blacks Only” beer. “We at Heineken want to reach out and apologize to our…Read more...
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Tried And Truant
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The Onion
on (#3KFBH)
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San Diego Zoo Unveils Severed Rhino Head Attached To Steel Frame As Part Of New Conceptual Wildlife Exhibit
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The Onion
on (#3KFBJ)
SAN DIEGO—In an effort to challenge traditionally held views about animals and their habitats, the San Diego Zoo announced this week the opening of a new conceptual wildlife exhibit that features the severed head of a rhinoceros affixed to a large, tempered-steel frame.Read more...
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Is Michigan The Team To Finally Spit In God’s Face By Beating Loyola?
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The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On
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Pope Francis Asks Congregation If It’s Okay If They Do A Low-Key Easter This Year
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The Onion
on (#3KF6T)
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to make the holiday as stress-free as possible for everyone, Pope Francis asked congregants gathered at St. Peter’s Basilica Thursday if it would be okay to just do a low-key Easter this year. “I know we usually get dressed up and make a big deal out of Easter, but wouldn’t it be nice if just…Read more...
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Police Repeatedly Shoot Tim Cook After Mistaking iPhone For Gun
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The Onion
on (#3KF6V)
CUPERTINO, CA—Explaining that they took immediate action against what they perceived to be a threat, local police officers repeatedly shot Apple CEO Tim Cook after mistaking an iPhone he was holding for a gun, sources confirmed Thursday. “Law enforcement saw the suspect reach into his pocket and take out what looked…Read more...
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Nation's Ivy Leaguers Share Hearty Laugh That Dartmouth Grad Thinks She Can Talk Shit On Anyone
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Horrified Geologists Uncover Millions Of Rocks In Sprawling Mass Grave
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The Onion
on (#3KEV3)
FREMONT COUNTY, CO—Retching in disgust as their excavation revealed the chilling extent of the burial site, geologists from the University of Colorado were reportedly horrified Thursday after uncovering millions of rocks in a sprawling mass grave. “My God, what kind of monster would do something like this?” said lead…Read more...
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A Timeline Of Mass Protests In U.S. History
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The Onion
on (#3KEJS)
Last weekend’s March For Our Lives continued what has been an increase in mass protests during the Trump era. The Onion looks back at the some of the largest and most influential protests in American history.Read more...
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Researchers Find That Spanking Your Children Is Incredibly Fun
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The Onion
on (#3KEFG)
NEW YORK—According to a new study published Thursday in the journal Modern Parenting: Principles And Practice, the act of forcibly spanking one’s children is not only 100 percent effective but also incredibly fun. “After months spent watching parents discipline their kids aged 2-8 years, we found that nothing is quite…Read more...
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Steven Spielberg Says Netflix Films Don’t Deserve Oscars
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The Onion
on (#3KEFH)
In a recent interview, director Steven Spielberg said that films on streaming services without a theatrical release should not receive Oscars, saying that such productions are akin to “TV movies.” What do you think?Read more...
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Actress Allegedly Bites Beyoncé's Face
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The Onion
on (#3KCSE)
During an interview with GQ, Tiffany Haddish revealed that an unnamed actress bit Beyoncé on the face while at a party in Los Angeles. What do you think?Read more...
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Lame Cyberattack On Atlanta Doesn’t Even Turn ATMs, Street Sweepers Into Killing Machines
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The Onion
on (#3KCDQ)
ATLANTA—Saying the hackers who accessed city government computers last week clearly did a shitty job, sources confirmed Wednesday that the lame cyberattack on Atlanta had failed to do anything awesome, like turn ATMs, parking meters, or street-sweeping vehicles into relentless killing machines. “When I heard about the…Read more...
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Apartment Kind Where Weed Just Left Out On Coffee Table
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KCDR)
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Gym Places Flowers, White Spin Bike In Spot Where Soul Cyclist Killed
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KC5T)
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Mark Zuckerberg Prepares For Congressional Testimony By Poring Over Lawmakers’ Personal Data
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The Onion
on (#3KC3G)
MENLO PARK, CA—Accessing the data his platform has harvested over the years from its nearly 2 billion users, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly prepared Wednesday for his upcoming congressional testimony by poring over the personal information of U.S. senators and representatives. “Let’s see here, as long as I…Read more...
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Handwriting Expert Confirms Killer Used Cursive
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The Onion
on (#3KBSR)
BALTIMORE—Concluding that the murderer left evidence containing a distinctive style of penmanship, police handwriting expert Elizabeth Simeon, 29, confirmed that an inscribed piece of paper found at the scene of a homicide Sunday morning was almost certainly a note written in cursive. “By the looks of these long,…Read more...
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Jeff Bezos Tables Latest Breakthrough Cost-Cutting Idea After Realizing It’s Just Slaves
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The Onion
on (#3KBPH)
SEATTLE—Deciding at the last minute to hold off due to ethical concerns, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly set aside his latest cost-cutting initiative Wednesday after realizing it was actually human slavery. “On the surface, it seemed plausible—owning our employees’ bodies, implementing a mandatory 18-hour…Read more...
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Server Loves That Dessert
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Overworked Nation Wishes It Could Just Unplug From It All Like Puerto Rico
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The Onion
on (#3KB9K)
WASHINGTON—Daydreaming about taking a break from the day-to-day grind of modern life, an overworked U.S. populace announced Wednesday that sometimes it wishes it could just unplug from it all the way they did in Puerto Rico. “Whenever my workday gets hectic, I think about how lucky they are to be on this tropical…Read more...
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‘Roseanne’ Returns
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The Onion
on (#3KB9M)
More than 30 years after its debut, Roseanne has returned to ABC to depict the working-class struggles of the titular character and her husband, Dan. What do you think?Read more...
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5th-Grade Teacher Can Already Tell Kids About To Go Apeshit For Ending Of ‘The Giver’
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3KB9N)
CASPER, WY—Saying she could hardly wait to see the looks on their faces as they finish the last few pages, fifth-grade teacher Melissa Botzki told reporters Wednesday she can already tell the kids in her class are about to go apeshit over the ending of Lois Lowry’s The Giver. “They have no idea what’s coming, and when…Read more...
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Gunmaker Remington Files For Bankruptcy
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The Onion
on (#3K9QH)
Remington, one of America’s oldest gunmakers, filed for bankruptcy this week, allowing the maker of the AR-15 rifle to stay in business and shed its massive debt. What do you think?Read more...
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 27, 2018
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The Onion
on (#3K9M0)
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Law Enforcement Questions Why Alton Sterling Was Even Black In The First Place
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The Onion
on (#3K9S6)
BATON ROUGE, LA—Following the Louisiana Attorney General’s conclusion that the victim’s shooting death at the hands of police was justified, law enforcement officials questioned Tuesday why Alton Sterling had even been black in the first place. “The fact is that Mr. Sterling clearly knew exactly what he was doing when…Read more...
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Coroner’s Report Concludes Alton Sterling Died Of Institutionalized Causes
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The Onion
on (#3K9FE)
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Study Finds 12,000 Americans Die Annually In What Are Made To Look Like Car Accidents
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The Onion
on (#3K99X)
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Concluding that the official accounts of the collisions always seem perfectly believable, a study released Tuesday by the University of North Carolina Highway Safety Research Center found that 12,000 Americans die annually in what are made to look like automobile accidents. “According to our data,…Read more...
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Census Adds Question Asking Participants To Identify Any Unpatriotic Neighbor
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The Onion
on (#3K94H)
WASHINGTON—Saying the measure was necessary to provide more thorough statistical data on the country’s populace, the U.S. Department of Commerce announced Tuesday that a question asking participants to identify any unpatriotic neighbors was added to the 2020 decennial census. “This will aid the U.S. Census Bureau in…Read more...
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Teens Spend Wild Spring Break In D.C. Begging Lawmakers For Their Lives
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The Onion
on (#3K8YE)
WASHINGTON—Cheering, yelling, and generally running rampant through the nation’s capital, a group of teens were reportedly spending a wild spring break in Washington, D.C. Tuesday begging lawmakers for their lives. “These kids are all over the place, showing no restraint whatsoever while pleading with their…Read more...
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Most Influential U.S. Secretaries Of State
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The Onion
on (#3K8QR)
President Trump’s controversial firing of his secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, partially due to disagreements over foreign policy, has put the spotlight on the role of the head of the U.S. State Department. The Onion looks back at some of the most influential U.S. secretaries of state.Read more...
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City Of Baltimore Targeting Young Professionals With New ‘You Get Used To It’ Campaign
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The Onion
on (#3K8GK)
BALTIMORE—In an effort to boost economic growth by encouraging recent college graduates to move to their city, Baltimore officials unveiled Tuesday a new advertising campaign targeting young professionals that centers on the tagline, “You get used to it.” “Most newcomers to Baltimore discover that, after a while, they…Read more...
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Point/Counterpoint: Oh, Are The PC Police Here To Arrest Me For Havin’ Opinions? vs. Sir, We Are The Regular Police And You Need To Come Out Of That Slide
by
The Onion
on (#3K8GM)
Well, well, well. Look who decided to come out of their safe space to oppress another honest American. What’s wrong, have I somehow “offended” you? Am I in “trouble?” Well, tough shit, buddy. ’Cause I’ll come right out and say it: Nothing will ever stop me from speaking my mind. Who the hell do you think you are,…Read more...
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Report: Sharks To Only Kill 10 People This Year But One Of Them Will Be You
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The Onion
on (#3K8CY)
WOODS HOLE, MA—A report released Tuesday by the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution revealed that only 10 individuals will fall victim to fatal shark attacks in 2018; however, you will be one of the victims. “Taken as a whole, the number of people killed by sharks annually has remained fairly low, which is great news…Read more...
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White House Order Would Ban Most Transgender Troops
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The Onion
on (#3K82Y)
An order issued Friday by President Trump bars transgender individuals from serving in the armed forces, setting the stage for a lengthy legal battle and eventual Supreme Court decision. What do you think?Read more...
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Millions Of Americans March Nationwide Against Gun Violence
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The Onion
on (#3K6C5)
Roughly two million Americans joined the March For Our Lives this weekend to protest gun violence in the U.S., with 800,000 attending in Washington, D.C. alone. What do you think?Read more...
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Dana Loesch Rethinking Loyalties After Seeing How Much Airtime Teen Activists Getting
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The Onion
on (#3K68C)
DALLAS—Contemplating how pivoting away from her hardline pro-gun stance might boost her career, National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana Loesch was reportedly rethinking her loyalties Monday after witnessing the sheer amount of airtime teen anti-gun activists had garnered in recent weeks. “These Parkland kids are…Read more...
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We Interview Some Guy Who Hated ‘March For Our Lives’ Out Of A Desperate Terror Over Being Accused Of Bias
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The Onion
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NRA Calls For More Common-Sense Gun Deaths
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The Onion
on (#3K63X)
FAIRFAX, VA—In response to the March For Our Lives protest led by student activists who survived the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting, the National Rifle Association reportedly issued a statement Monday calling for more common-sense gun deaths. “Now, more than ever, what we need are more shooting deaths resulting…Read more...
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NRA Says Parkland Students Should Be Grateful For Guns Giving Them Such A Memorable Bonding Experience
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The Onion
on (#3K5W0)
FAIRFAX, VA—Reminding them to appreciate the lifetime of memories they will never forget, the National Rifle Association announced Monday that Parkland students should be grateful to guns for giving them such an unforgettable bonding experience. “These protesting students should be thankful to guns for an exciting…Read more...
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Jonathan Safran Foer Guesses It’s Time To Give Up On Silly Little Dream Of Becoming Good Writer
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The Onion
on (#3K5M9)
BROOKLYN, NY—Saying that if it were going to happen for him it probably would have by now, award-winning author Jonathan Safran Foer conceded Monday that perhaps it was time to grow up and let go of his “childish pipe dream” of becoming a good writer one day. “I’ve tried my hand at this writing thing for a couple…Read more...
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It Kind Of Pathetic How Excited 3-Year-Old Is To See Daddy Home From Work
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3K5H0)
ATHENS, OH—Noting the “sad fucking glimmer in his eye” as he opened the front door, sources confirmed Monday that it was kind of pathetic how excited local 3-year-old Jackson Ross was to see his dad return from work. “The second that car pulled into the driveway, the kid raced to the window, jumped up and down, and…Read more...
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The Week In Pictures – Week Of March 26, 2018
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The Onion
on (#3K5H1)
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Man Assumed Celebrity Sighting Would Do More For His Career
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The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni
on (#3K552)
AKRON, OH—After unexpectedly running into actor Jeff Garlin during a recent trip to Los Angeles, local man Richard Grover admitted to reporters Monday that he assumed the chance sighting would do more for his career. “When I met the guy who plays Larry David’s agent on Curb Your Enthusiasm, I sort of felt like things…Read more...
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Male Birth Control Pill Shows Early Promise
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The Onion
on (#3K553)
A form of once-daily male birth control appears to be safe, leading to only slight weight gain in men, although researchers say further testing is needed on side effects and effectiveness. What do you think?Read more...
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FDA Deems Genetically Modified Salmon Too Handsome To Eat
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The Onion
on (#3K554)
WASHINGTON—Following months of analysis into the animal’s stunning good looks, the Food and Drug Administration announced Monday that genetically modified salmon are far too handsome to eat. “After several rounds of clinical testing, we have determined that these genetically altered fish are safe for human…Read more...
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