The Onion

COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing their appreciation that they were once again able to shop in peace, 7-Eleven patrons were reportedly relieved Friday to discover that the perky cashier had finally had his spirit crushed. “I’ve been dreading going in recently for fear of that chipper employee cracking jokes, asking how my day…Read more...

Attorney General William Barr directed the Bureau of Prisons to schedule the executions of five inmates convicted of murder and other crimes after nearly two decades of not doing so. What do you think?Read more...

SMOLENSK, RUSSIA—Lamenting that any interesting challenge in disrupting the vote has been completely removed from his job, Russian operative Pavel Artemyev reportedly expressed disappointment Friday that gerrymandering has taken all the fun out of hacking the 2020 election. “I really thought it would be a huge thrill…Read more...

NEW YORK—Touting the state-of-the-art device as a major time-saver for women, Procter & Gamble debuted a high-speed Tampax applicator Friday capable of launching tampons into the human vagina at speeds of up to 500 miles per hour. “Competing brands usually enter the vagina at 0.012 mph, with the resulting inefficiency…Read more...

MCGREGOR, IA—Panicking as kernels of the hardy self-cultivating cereal grain began spreading rapidly across his arms, legs, and torso, horrified Iowan farmer Lanny Heck broke out in virulent corn Friday after coming into direct contact with a plot of Monsanto crops. “My God, it’s—it’s growing everywhere,” said a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Face grim and emotionless as if hardened by years on a special investigation force, returning rock-show attendee Paul Grasso flashed his hand stamp to the bouncer at Highfalutin’s Thursday night like a world-weary field agent displaying his dented and tarnished badge while ducking under the yellow tape…Read more...

Looking to dive into the latest installment in the Blazkowicz clan’s ongoing war against the Third Reich? Then you’ve come to the right place. Read on to find out everything you need to know about Wolfenstein: Youngblood.Read more...

TikTok, a short video–making app with over 500 million active monthly users, has launched a new generation of internet tastemakers, as well as generated its share of controversies. The Onion answers common questions about the rise of TikTok.Read more...

Following a successful launch of the Chandrayaan-2 rover mission to the moon, India is on track to become the fourth country to complete a controlled lunar landing. What do you think?Read more...

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MAUI COUNTY, HI—Expressing surprise at the unexpected realization, sources confirmed Thursday that the sun setting over a tropical beach was actually kind of beautiful in its own way. “It might not have a traditionally attractive aesthetic, but if you look at just the right angle, there’s something sort of pretty…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Telling the youth organization that if they come for the king they best not miss, the Catholic Church announced Thursday that it was not about to be out-molested by the goddamn Boy Scouts. “If some pissant organization like the Scouts thinks they can beat us at the molestation game, then they have another…Read more...

Boris Johnson, the brash populist leader, is set to be the United Kingdom’s next prime minister after a vote among Tory membership, putting him in place to navigate a potential hard departure from the E.U. after years of promising Brexit’s benefits. What do you think?Read more...

CLIFTON, NJ— Confessing he feels a pang of guilt every time the bunny says “You’re my best friend!,” infant Justin Weber confirmed Thursday he worries constantly about being unworthy of the deep and evidently unconditional love shown to him by Hopsy, his animatronic toy rabbit. “Any day now, Hopsy will see the real…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Grossly underestimating the patience of their audience, rock-and-blues band Flashback Depot was going to pay dearly Thursday for attempting to perform an original song during their hour-long set. “Some people say we sound a little like the E Street Band, but we’ll let you be the judge of that,” said…Read more...

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Since its debut back in 2003, Call Of Duty has received widespread acclaim for its increasingly ambitious portrayals of the battlefield experience. In fact, in recent years the series has felt more and more like playing through a blockbuster action movie. But in an interview yesterday, the game’s creators confirmed…Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Returning to the organization in an official capacity for the first time since his 2016 retirement, former NBA star Tim Duncan was reportedly embarking on a large-scale project Wednesday mapping out the San Antonio Spurs’ genealogy after being hired as the team archivist. “We’re thrilled to have Tim back…Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—Expressing dismay that the supposedly well-informed electorate was more concerned with tracking down his bloodstained Ford Escape than impeaching a corrupt commander in chief, motorist Mark Dolan said Wednesday that he fails to see why he should be relentlessly attacked for running over a single pit bull…Read more...

AKRON, OH—Expressing pride that the curriculum he helped put in place was already bearing fruit in critical areas of study, LeBron James revealed Wednesday that students at his I Promise elementary school have seen huge gains in English, math, and dunk testing. “I’m truly humbled to be making a difference in my…Read more...

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Brace yourself for some awesome news, gamers, because according to a quick read of your OGN XP points, you’ve just read enough articles to earn a 1-Up.Read more...

ORION ARM—Emphasizing the short billion-mile trip from the ringed planet’s metro center to the historic and oft-overlooked locale, the solar system’s real estate agents have begun trying to attract home buyers to the neglected, run-down planet of Earth by renaming it “West Saturn.” “It’s obviously not the quietest or…Read more...

The fast-growing meal kit delivery industry is projected to be an $8 billion market by 2025, but critics warn that its unintended consequences can outweigh the benefits. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of meal kit delivery services.Read more...

NAPERVILLE, IL—Observing the importance of teaching children that death is a natural and inevitable part of life, family sources told reporters Wednesday that the passing of grandmother Helen Abernathe, 84, provided her beloved grandchild Emma, 7, with the emotional strength necessary to cope with the eventual death…Read more...

Puerto Ricans filled the streets for a massive planned protest against Ricardo Rosselló, 40, a Democrat whose leaked messages insulted women and gay people, made light of those who died from Hurricane Maria, and revealed potential crimes by his administration. What do you think?Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that the former USC quarterback’s grasp of the game and its nuances was immediately obvious, ESPN executives were impressed Tuesday by Mark Sanchez’s ability to point out the football field. “The second we brought Mark in, we just knew he was the one. He could watch a play and locate the 50-yard…Read more...

In an escalation of feuds between the two nations, Iran’s government claims it has dismantled a CIA network by arresting 17 individuals for spying for America, a claim the U.S. categorically denies. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying the process called for incredible patience, Tom Hanks, who stars as Fred Rogers in the forthcoming A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, recalled Tuesday having to arrive on the set of the film before dawn each day for a grueling, six-hour cardigan application process. “I was always at the trailer by…Read more...

CAPE CHARLES, VA—Warning it might take years for the small coastal community to recover from the devastating encounter, authorities in Cape Charles, VA confirmed Tuesday their town had been completely ravished by Alejandro.Read more...

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Questioning every decision that led her to the crucial moment, shopper Lisa Kolman spiraled into a churning vortex of crippling self-doubt Tuesday after the cashier at her local Trader Joe’s failed to compliment or even comment on any of the items she had purchased. “The woman at the register next…Read more...

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PHOENIX—In response to comments they described as “disgusting,” “cruel,” and “a perfect fit for our organization,” Phoenix law enforcement officials confirmed Tuesday local man Rod Cleighborn had been hired as a cop for posting a racist rant on social media. “Our newly hired officer made comments on Facebook that…Read more...

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced that he will support a bill to establish a commission to study reparations for slavery, adding a significant voice to the discussion surrounding the issue. What do you think?Read more...

Can’t wait to get your hands on the PlayStation 5? Then prepare to get jealous, because the cutting-edge video game console has apparently already been out in Japan for 20 years!Read more...

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JUNEAU, AK—Observing that she seemed to possess a truly effortless beauty, the laptop camera of local woman Isabel Vasquez reportedly longed to let her know her Monday just how amazing she looks when she doesn’t realize she’s being watched. “Oh! If only there were some way to tell her she’s absolutely stunning as she…Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Outlining what a shift in public consciousness regarding global ecocatastrophe might require, a study published by researchers at the University of Oregon Monday found the average American must have their life destroyed by a natural disaster every six minutes in order to finally fear climate change.…Read more...

If you’re a Star Wars devotee, you’re not going to want to miss out on this! Our mom just found an old copy of Super Star Wars while reorganizing the storage room in the basement, and for a limited time, it is completely free while it sits in the trash bag in the hallway. Who doesn’t love a freebie, right? All you…Read more...

In a largely symbolic victory for the left, the House of Representatives voted to raise the hourly minimum wage to $15 per hour, although the bill is almost guaranteed to die in the Republican-controlled Senate. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Tilting their heads back, breathing in thick gurgling gasps and flailing their arms about while stumbling for the nearest trash can, dorky little nerds across the country announced Monday that they, in fact, have a nosebleed. “Oh my, oh no. Please, someone? Get a tissue?” mewled millions of dweebish…Read more...

President Trump told reporters that he disagreed with “send her back” chants directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) at a recent campaign rally, and claimed that he attempted to cut off the chants despite this being contradicted by video from the rally. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to serve as the nation’s new labor secretary, sources confirmed Thursday. “I always knew little Geney from down the block was destined for…Read more...

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MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved in order to stop mammals from voiding continuous streams of milk from their chests. “According to our findings, mammals steadily…Read more...

VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly spending his 50th year in a row on the moon Friday trying to warn Earth of the imposter who had taken his place. “Come on, I’m right here, dammit,” shouted the…Read more...

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