The Onion

MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday that it’s all in his head. “Sometimes, when I’m getting really down on myself, I start to think people must…Read more...

ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to wipe down his personal trainer after working out. “I sweat all over, so it would be pretty rude of me not to at least clean the fitness instructor up…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Saying “No, no, no” to himself as he worked his way down the page, a desperate Matt Damon reportedly spent Thursday fervently searching for his name on IMDB user Dolphinsoul60’s list, “Top 100 Actors.” “Jason Bateman...Chris Evans…Gene Hackman? C’mon, c’mon, Dolphinsoul60. Where is your boy?” said the…Read more...

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LOCK HAVEN, PA—Calling him the most promising recruit he’s seen in a decade of coaching, tennis instructor Thomas Petrov confirmed Thursday that he sees real potential in his student Aiden McDavid’s family income. “From his expensive Babolat racket to the brand-new Nikes, I can tell this kid’s parents have everything…Read more...

Dozens of parents including fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli and actress Felicity Huffman have been charged with paying millions to gain admission for their children to elite institutions such as Yale University, the Justice Department revealed this week. What do you think?Read more...

HOUSTON—In what they described as scriptural evidence of the right to bear arms, leading figures among the religious right gathered Wednesday to issue a statement arguing that Adam and Eve would never have been banished from the Garden of Eden if they had owned guns. “Just imagine: If Adam and Eve had carried firearms…Read more...

YOUR LITTLE HEAD—Confirming that oh, sure, probably no one gets into the prestigious university without their wealthy parents pulling some strings, a report released Wednesday in the wake of a major college admissions scandal stated that if it makes you feel better, you can believe bribery is the only reason you…Read more...

BOSTON—Providing new and disconcerting insights into long-speculated risks of human mating, a Boston University Medical College genetic study published last week in Nature Genetics found that, despite the longstanding cultural and social stigma of the pairing, second cousins are, in fact, technically fair game. “Our…Read more...

Debuting on March 11, 1989, Cops has followed law enforcement on patrols and drug busts over its 30 seasons, generating its share of big moments and controversy along the way. The Onion looks back at Cops on the reality show’s 30th anniversary.Read more...

LIVONIA, MI—Declaring that he couldn’t wait to see his wife’s eyes light up once she heard the news, local husband Kevin McCoy, 32, reportedly spent $238.76 Wednesday to buy his wife tickets to see a singer she wants to fuck. “Phoebe is just crazy about [the idea of being throroughly and repeatedly boned by] John…Read more...

Amidst looting, hyperinflation, and a contested presidency, Venezuela has plunged into a near-countrywide blackout after its massive power failure. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Following revelations about the actress’s alleged involvement in a college bribery scandal, University of Southern California officials told reporters Tuesday that Lori Loughlin’s daughter was admitted solely based on her socioeconomic background. “We certainly condemn bribery, but we would also like to…Read more...

After two crashes of such planes and the deaths of hundreds, China ordered the grounding of all Boeing 737 Max 8s until further inspections have been performed. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Insisting that they didn’t want to push the 38-year-old signal caller onto the field before he’s ready, Giants general manager Dave Gettleman told reporters Tuesday that the team was considering drafting a quarterback to mentor Eli Manning. “I think it will be good to keep Eli on the bench for a year or two…Read more...

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage our timeline with a single misplaced beat of his wings. “I’d really like to flit over to the fern, but the…Read more...

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JOPLIN, MO—After dedicating an immense portion of his spare time to battling the Axis forces in Europe, avid Battlefield V player Jacob Dunford, 36, has, as of 2:45 a.m. Tuesday, spent more of his life fighting Nazis than his grandfather Martin did in World War II. Several reports indicated that Dunford, whose service…Read more...

A New York real estate firm is buying the iconic Chrysler Building for $150 million, a sum that is nearly 81 percent less than what it was purchased for in 2008 due to the unique challenges of operating an aging building. What do you think?Read more...

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DALLAS—Bringing spectators to their feet with a stunning display of showmanship, Dallas Mavericks power forward Dirk Nowitzki shattered the glass of a backboard Wednesday night with his powerful soprano singing voice. “It was mind blowing—I didn’t think he could still get that high at his age,” said Mavericks teammate…Read more...

U.S.-backed forces are assaulting the last ISIS-held encampment in Syria with the aims of ending territorial gains that once included one-third of Iraq and Syria. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—After promising to let anyone who disagrees with his views come on his program to explain why, Tucker Carlson spent the entire taping of his show Monday loudly and repeatedly interrupting the child bride he had invited on to debate him about underage marriage. “Ma’am, ma’am! You’ll have your chance to talk,…Read more...

LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress,…Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that new information contradicting earlier reporting had come to light, The New York Times corrected a previous story Monday by admitting that they actually burned a recently destroyed Venezuela aid convoy. “After further review, those responsible for lighting Molotov cocktails and destroying…Read more...

BURBANK, CA—Criticizing the network for the cruel and unusual treatment, inmate rights groups blasted CBS programming executives Friday after evidence revealing the use of prison laughter on their sitcoms became public. “Evidently, incarcerated men and women are forced to sit and watch hour after hour of live taping.…Read more...

Citing a recent New Yorker article that described the network’s “propagandistic” coordination with the Trump White House, the Democratic National Committee elected to bar Fox News from hosting its primary debates. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—As they cleaned their eyeglasses and stared at the faded, yellowing document through squinted eyes, the nation’s top constitutional scholars admitted Monday that the U.S. Constitution is open to differing interpretations because no one can read that crazy script. “After the heated negotiations of the…Read more...

NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had the misfortune to reach the lowest point of his life before the craft beer boom. “Goddammit. I can’t believe I hopelessly…Read more...

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President Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort was sentenced to under four years in prison on Thursday after being convicted of tax and bank fraud. What do you think?Read more...

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American astronauts Anne McClain and Christina Koch from NASA will take part in the first all-female spacewalk at the International Space Station at the end of March, agency sources report. What do you think?Read more...

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IDAHO FALLS, ID—In an offer commemorating the legendary spring 2018 growing season, Wada Potato Farms released a limited edition of russet potatoes Friday, all of which will be accompanied by exclusive certificates of authenticity. “We’ve listened to our fan’s complaints about all the counterfeit potatoes on the…Read more...

Nearly a year after sexual assault and harassment allegations surfaced, Mario Batali has exited his restaurant groups and sold all shares in the Italian market Eataly. What do you think?Read more...

AGOURA HILLS, CA—Following an explosive report into allegedly abusive conduct, sources confirmed Colton Underwood, star of the current season of The Bachelor, was accused Thursday of leveraging his power as a reality television personality to lure and entrap 30 women in a California mansion. “Mr. Underwood convinced…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Wishing he could just curl up under his blanket and die, infant Liam Henderson reportedly felt foolish Thursday after realizing a stranger he had responded to on the subway was actually waving at the toddler sitting one seat over. “Oh my God, I was smiling and babbling at him the whole time—I’m such an…Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—In a development that could provide valuable insight into the study of hypochondria, scientists at the Mayo Clinic introduced a strain of genetically engineered lab rats Thursday predisposed to think anything wrong with them might be cancer. “Thanks to new cutting-edge technology, we have produced a…Read more...

MOOSE LAKE, MN—Filled with dread at the thought of the upcoming relationship milestone, Erika Moreau, 30, told reporters Thursday she is nervous for dinner this evening, when her boyfriend will finally meet the person she turns into around her parents. “I just don’t know how he’s going to react—she’s a lot to take,…Read more...

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SOUTH BEND, IN—In a blatant violation of official NCAA guidelines prohibiting spiritual gifts, sources confirmed Thursday that a Notre Dame booster was caught offering prospective student athletes plenary indulgences. “It’s totally immoral to lure players with the promise of eternal salvation; Notre Dame should be…Read more...

For the second time since the epidemic began, a patient with HIV has been cured through a bone marrow transplant, a breakthrough suggesting that eliminating the virus that causes AIDS may be possible. What do you think?Read more...

PROVIDENCE, RI—In a groundbreaking discovery they say will provide new insights into the complex functioning of the neural system, scientists at Brown University announced Thursday that, through the use of magnetic resonance imaging, they have successfully identified the part of the brain all your hair grows out of.…Read more...