The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Asserting that he’d be able to contribute quality scowls and derision to a championship contender, Lakers great Kobe Bryant expressed confidence Tuesday that he could still berate teammates for 20 minutes a night. “I might not be able to intimidate guys at an MVP level anymore, but I could definitely come…Read more...

Fortnite’s latest update brought some major changes to the battle royale sensation this week. But while most of the overhauls and new content in the patch were welcomed, many players are slamming a new map location after finding out the deli counter only has two types of salami.Read more...

Pop star Taylor Swift debuted “ME!” a new duet with Brendon Urie from Panic! At the Disco likely to tease an upcoming album. What do you think?Read more...

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Analysis suggests that Avengers: Endgame, the action-packed culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, may rake in as much as $1 billion in box office sales after a record-breaking opening weekend. What do you think?Read more...

LAWRENCE, KS—Reasoning that they don’t really have anything else going for them in the increasingly automated post-industrial era of large-scale staple farming, the shittier regions of the country decided this week that they might as well give producing wine a shot. “At this point, maybe we should just see if we could…Read more...

PORTLAND, OR—Admitting it was difficult to watch his once-vibrant home fall into complete disarray, Portland Trail Blazers center Enes Kanter confirmed Monday that he was grateful to have escaped the oppressive, failing dictatorship in New York. “It’s disastrous—the leaders are full-on autocrats and there is so little…Read more...

NEW YORK—Explaining that it regrets the oversight, The New York Times apologized Monday for its decision to run the anti-Semitic comic strip Shylock The Shyster for the past 37 years. “We are deeply sorry for printing this strip on a continuous basis in more than 13,000 editions of our paper published since 1982,”…Read more...

NEW YORK—Discussing their astonishment mere hours after the premiere of the highly anticipated episode, Game Of Thrones actors told reporters Monday about the moment they read the script for the zombie battle in “The Long Night” and realized they had definitively wasted their careers. “Right away, when I finished the…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Admitting they were confounded by the huge numbers being put up by the 2001 feature starring Jason Biggs, Steve Zahn, and Jack Black, top film industry analysts told reporters Monday they had yet to determine how Saving Silverman managed to break numerous box office records over the weekend. “As far as we…Read more...

Shigeru Miyamoto is a titan of the video game industry known around the world for bringing the Super Mario and Legend Of Zelda franchises to life. We sat down with the legendary game director, designer, and producer for a revealing interview where he opened up to us about how the Donkey Kong game series drew its…Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—No longer the spry daredevil she was when she was younger, beloved grandmother Lydia McNeese, 87, has reached that age where even just one trip over Niagara Falls could be fatal. “She’s getting to that point that all women reach, if they’re lucky, where she simply can’t handle a 170-foot plunge down a…Read more...

A clicker leaps across a pile of bricks and rubble as the pounding rain blacks out the world beyond a narrow alley. A man crawls away in terror, slowly approaching the camera. As he calls for help, his hand presses against a window, blood smearing as he begs for someone to do something. We move back through the glass…Read more...

Since our founding in 1947—years before the creation of video games—the Onion Gamers Network has remained at the forefront of interactive entertainment. In fact, our founder, Otto Helmut Zweibel, was originally ridiculed as a madman and fool for believing humanity would one day control miniature men using their…Read more...

Without greater action to prevent global warming, melting arctic permafrost could cause $70 trillion in economic damages between now and 2300, according to a study published in Nature Communications. What do you think?Read more...

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BRENTWOOD, TN—Growing increasingly worked up over his lack of foresight, local man Alexander Diggs began to experience severe panic after realizing he had no plans for the ripe avocado on his kitchen counter, sources indicated Friday. “Oh God, no, no, no, please—I just picked this up yesterday, and it’s already going…Read more...

Owing to a lack of vaccinations and a rise in misinformation, the nationwide measles outbreak has soared to include 695 reported cases this year, the highest rate since the disease was declared eliminated in 2000. What do you think?Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Wondering how the social media giant will unethically exploit their personal data next, Facebook users conceded Friday they are morbidly curious to see what the company does to them in order to recoup its losses following a $5 billion Federal Trade Commission fine. “I know I’m probably not gonna like…Read more...

GREENBELT, MD—In an effort to ensure that all personal effects reached their rightful owner, prison officials returned the bag of semi-automatic weapons and a detailed hit list Friday to Coast Guard terror suspect Christopher Hasson upon his release. “Here you are, sir—your silencers, your sniper rifles. Anything else…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Accusing the media of reading too far into the many signs featuring the flavored tortilla chips that are now installed in the park, acting United States secretary of the interior David Bernhardt categorically denied that business interests had influenced Yellowstone National Park’s name change to Frito Lay…Read more...

DENVER—Admitting that finishing with the second-best record in the Western Conference has been a bit of a setback for their draft plans, representatives from the Denver Nuggets worried Friday that they had screwed up their attempt to tank for top prospect Zion Williamson. “We thought Zion would be the building block…Read more...

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SARASOTA, FL—Admitting he had encountered a new kind of emptiness in his life since leaving his job nine months ago, 67-year-old Matthew Whalen confided to reporters Friday that he was feeling useless in retirement and secretly wished he could just go back to feeling useless at work. “Until I quit working, I never…Read more...

As springtime blooms and summer awaits, it’s the perfect time for a picnic. The Onion provides tips for a fun, stress-free picnic.Read more...

CHICAGO—Expressing their elation at the rare specimen’s successful mating, Field Museum officials announced the long-awaited pregnancy of Sue, the museum’s beloved T-rex, in a press conference Friday. “When we first acquired Sue, we were somewhat worried because she just hung around her exhibit all day and seemed to…Read more...

The Federal Aviation Administration has certified Alphabet’s Wing Aviation delivery service to operate as an airline, clearing the company to begin delivering goods to households in a way representatives believe will save resources and reduce pollution. What do you think?Read more...

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BRISTOL, CT—Cooly asserting that the best choice for everyone at the NFL draft was to “just go with the flow,” an easy-going Mel Kiper predicted Thursday that “the teams will do whatever they feel is right and we shouldn’t judge them.” “Listen, it’s really just not my place to say anything; the teams will pick who…Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—In a long-awaited culmination of the bold strategic move made several seasons ago, the Racine Legion will be selecting second overall in the NFL draft Thursday using a pick the team acquired in 1923. “It’s been a tough century for Racine, but with such a high pick, they may finally be able to replace…Read more...

PALO ALTO, CA—Assuring investors that the rogue vehicle would be found and reprogrammed as soon as possible, Tesla announced Thursday that the company had posted a massive first-quarter loss after a self-driving car absconded with $702 million in cash. “Financially speaking, we could have never foreseen that one of…Read more...

CHICAGO—Saying that he refused to become just another statistic, local man Frank Campbell disclosed Thursday that he keeps a baseball bat within easy reach of his bed in case any Major League pitchers tried to break in. “It’s all about peace of mind—I’d rather have it and never use it than not have it and get caught…Read more...

Samsung is recalling all models of their new foldable phone after reports of breaks, bulges, and inoperational screens. What do you think?Read more...

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ATLANTA—Saying that they’d seen a significant spike in reported cases, the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement Thursday warning that the once-eradicated jitterbug has started to spread across the country at a rate not seen since the 1940s. “We thought we had completely wiped…Read more...

Since we opened our first location in Sauk City, WI in 1984, Culver’s has become a beloved institution across the Midwest. Folks love to stop in for a hearty, cooked-to-order meal with family or friends, and our restaurants are pillars of the communities they serve. While it seems unlikely that any serious candidate…Read more...

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration approved a device that delivers mild shocks to the brains of children between 7 and 12 years old in order to treat their ADHD. What do you think?Read more...

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In the wake of the Mueller report’s release, 2020 candidates including Pete Buttigieg, Kamala Harris, and Elizabeth Warren have urged Congress to pursue impeachment proceedings against the president. What do you think?Read more...

FLINT, MI—Warning that he ran the only drug game in town as he firmly tugged back on the offender’s hair, Acreage Holdings executive John Boehner beheaded a Juarez Cartel gang member Wednesday in order to thwart an attempt to muscle in on the legal weed game. “Say adios, pendejo!” said the blood-splattered former…Read more...

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SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little…Read more...

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying the world must act quickly to save the chewy organisms before it was too late, environmentalists warned Tuesday that the world’s Swedish Fish population has been decimated by the Great Pacific Sour Patch. “For years, humanity has increased its sour candy production, dumping unnatural levels of…Read more...