The Onion

GENEVA—Touting their new timepiece as a marvel of modern horology, watchmaker Rolex unveiled a diver’s cuckoo clock Thursday capable of keeping accurate time at undersea depths of up to 3,000 meters. “Whether you’re surveying the depths of the Mariana Trench or just taking your submarine out for a spin, the…Read more...

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As per tradition, Japan announced the name of their new era—Reiwa, roughly meaning good fortune—to coincide with the ascension of Crown Prince Naruhito to the imperial throne. What do you think?Read more...

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CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof of the slaughterhouse far above, a standard farm chicken beheld the light of the sun for the first time Wednesday an instant before powerful industrial machinery sliced off its head, along with those…Read more...

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Over-the-counter birth control is available in more than 100 countries, but not the United States, and whether it should be is a matter of fierce debate. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of making birth control available over the counter.Read more...

In addition to disrupting dozens of other industries, closing the U.S.–Mexico border could deprive the U.S. of avocados within three weeks, fruit distributors have suggested. What do you think?Read more...

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Under a new federal work requirement rule proposed by the White House, over 750,000 could lose access to food stamps due to personal or systemic barriers preventing access to work. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Inviting the young, outspoken Democrat to settle things once and for all, Tucker Carlson concluded a taping of Tucker Carlson Tonight Monday by challenging Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) to a date. “You talk a pretty big game on Twitter, but let’s see how well your pie-in-the-sky ideas hold up when…Read more...

ARCADIA, CA—In an effort to honor the equestrian’s courage and steadfast commitment in the face of adversity, Santa Anita racetrack officials awarded jockey Evan Spangler Tuesday with first place for dragging his dead horse 30 yards over the finish line. “The perseverance and bravery Evan displayed as he gripped the…Read more...

According to a whistleblower, the White House has reversed more than 25 denials of security clearances, often ignoring the recommendations of intelligence officials to confirm individuals such as Jared Kushner. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, CA—Noting that the breakthrough finding could have major implications for future interplanetary celebrations, scientists announced Tuesday that the discovery of dry ice on Mars means the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. “While we find no evidence that the Red Planet currently features…Read more...

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Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and difficult to plan. Here are The Onion’s top reasons to consider taking a road trip for your next family vacation.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.” “The Amendments to the Constitution are full…Read more...

Fulfilling a pledge to President Trump, China has banned all versions of fentanyl, the powerful synthetic opioid that it has long allowed to be exported to America. What do you think?

STAMFORD, CT—Lamenting that the numbers were much lower than the company had anticipated, Purdue Pharma officials reported Monday that deaths from opioids had fallen well short of their quarterly goals. “For the third straight quarter, we’ve experienced a disappointing and underwhelming quantity of deaths among…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—In a groundbreaking new report on one of the most revered figures in religious history, top biblical scholars published findings Monday that suggest Jesus Christ may have relied on the influence of His well-connected father, God, to land His powerful role as Lord and Savior to mankind.

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NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to…Read more...

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SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking discovery certain to complicate the legacy of a national icon, the estate of Walt Disney announced Friday it had discovered a cache of anti-American cartoons the pioneering animator intended to release if the Axis Powers had triumphed in World War II.Read more...

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NAPA, CA—After being lovingly tended by generations of bin Ladens, the once-gorgeous Northern California vineyard upon which the late al-Qaeda founder Osama bin Laden’s family winery sits is now crumbling and covered with weeds, sources confirmed Friday. “Bin Laden Manor produced some of the finest wines Napa Valley…Read more...

March 31, 1999 saw the release of The Matrix, the sci-fi action film directed by the Wachowskis that went on to massive financial and critical success, spawning sequels and a host of other related media. The Onion looks back at big moments in the franchise on its 20-year anniversary.Read more...

PINEVILLE, LA—Citing concerns over historically high seasonal traffic and the resulting potential flight delays, a Canada goose was thinking of migrating home two to three weeks early in order to avoid the crowds, avian sources confirmed Friday. “My friends think I’m a bit neurotic, but I just want a quiet,…Read more...

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CAMBRIDGE, MA—Warning that nothing was more dangerous than focusing on yesterday’s mistakes instead of being present right here and right now, self-actualized historians at Harvard University urged Americans not to get all hung up on the past. “Now more than ever, we must remember: A society that dwells on what it did…Read more...

SOUTH BEND, IN—Stumbling through the restaurant and gaming establishment in a dazed and incoherent stupor, local man Rob Woodham, 31, reportedly slipped into a ghastly, blinding fog of insanity Thursday just before he was asked if this was his first time at a Dave & Buster’s location. “Can I get you a menu?” said a…Read more...

HEAVEN—Speaking with obvious nostalgia regarding the “raw and gritty” quality of his experiences in decades past, God the Almighty Creator confirmed Thursday that Heaven was “way cooler” in the 1970s. “Sure, there was a lot of more crime and corruption, but man, Heaven in those days felt way more authentic,” said the…Read more...

I know at times I can come off a bit caustic and abrasive. For years, I had no idea where these destructive feelings and behaviors came from, but as I get older, I’m starting to realize it all stems from my youth. You see, when I was growing up, still an innocent and impressible bottle of laundry detergent, my dad…Read more...

CARY, NC—Competing to secure the new pet’s allegiance, members of the Thomas family were reportedly locked in a heated bidding war Thursday as each tried to convince their cat, Cookie, to sleep in their bed. “So far, I’ve provided the most perks—sneaking him extra scoops of food, offering him handfuls of catnip, and…Read more...

CHESTERBROOK, PA—Regaling a group of prospective soldiers with tales from his youth, military recruiter Luke Coleman fondly recalled Wednesday when he was just a naïve kid being coaxed into making a binding eight-year commitment to the Army in order to fulfill a recruitment quota. “Man, I remember back when I was your…Read more...

Many cities, venues, and scholastic institutions have banned bottled water following campaigns by environmental groups, but critics warn such bans can have harmful unintended effects. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of banning bottled water.Read more...

CRYSTAL RIVER, FL—Claiming he found the turn to be well banked and cambered with perfect sightlines, motorist Calvin Henry declared Wednesday that a bend along Florida State Road 44 was definitely not sharp enough to warrant the dozen or so roadside memorials along its outside shoulder. “I mean, this is a pretty soft…Read more...

HAVERFORD, PA—Expressing concerns about her odd behavior over the past few weeks, coworkers of Sheila Gottman confirmed Wednesday that the “total weirdo” was leading their office’s NCAA bracket pool after picking teams she analyzed and predicted would beat the others. “What kind of freak actually reads expert analysis…Read more...

At an event at its Silicon Valley headquarters, Apple unveiled an expansive video streaming service including original programming created by Oprah Winfrey, Steven Spielberg, J.J. Abrams, and other notable filmmakers. What do you think?Read more...

BAGHOUZ, SYRIA—Returning from the battlefield in humilating defeat, ISIS fighter Abdul Habib al-Masri confirmed Wednesday that he dreaded the smug looks from his hometown friends who told him that establishing a caliphate sounded like a dumb idea. “Ugh, I talked a huge game about how I was going off to build a…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on efforts to conserve the vital natural resource, a report released Wednesday by the Environmental Protection Agency found that 37 percent of all water waste in the United States results from husky kids doing a cannonball into the pool at a country club. “Our data indicate more than a…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Saying he is always too embarrassed to get into the specifics of what he actually does for a living, Comcast CEO Brian Roberts confided to reporters Tuesday that whenever he is asked about his job, he just says he does digital media stuff. “It’s honestly pretty boring, so I usually tell people I work at a…Read more...

Michael Avenatti, former attorney for adult film star Stormy Daniels, was accused this week of a $20 million extortion scheme against Nike. What do you think?Read more...