The Onion

CHICAGO—Saying the new pass offered the perfect option for those looking to attend the festival in comfort and style, Lollapalooza organizers unveiled a new air-conditioned, soundproof tent expressly catering to people who definitely shouldn’t have come to this. “Our new Platinum Lux Pass allows individuals who have…Read more...

LANCASTER COUNTY, PA—Slamming the policy as deeply biased against hardworking rural Americans, local man Abraham Harver told reporters Thursday that the card-only business model at his town’s grocery store discriminates against those customers who conduct transactions by bartering milk-goats. “Some folks just don’t…Read more...

LANSING, MI—Expressing relief that he could finally make amends for his past cruelty, area man Tom Hernandez reportedly liked his ex-girlfriend’s tweet Thursday in an effort to smooth over emotionally destroying her three years ago. “I was kind of an asshole during the breakup, but I’m hopeful that by liking the photo…Read more...

After spending 17 weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100, Lil Nas X’s country-rap hit “Old Town Road” has officially broken the chart’s record for longest-running single, an honor previously held by Mariah Carey’s and Boyz II Men’s “One Sweet Day” and Luis Fonsi featuring Daddy Yankee’s “Despacito.” What do you think?Read more...

NASHVILLE, TN—Lauding the singer for his unique melding of roots, Americana, and Appalachian folk styles, music writers across the industry attributed the extraordinary success of Lil Nas X Wednesday to his invention of the genre of country. “What really sets Lil Nas X apart is his ingenious choice to create what I’m…Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Touting their service as the number-one choice for American abductors, a USPS commercial that premiered Wednesday highlighted the company’s history of proudly sending more fingers for kidnappers than any other major shipping company. “When you’re trying to get proof of life to its destination in order to…Read more...

Creating a sequel to a beloved game can be a tough proposition, yet some games get it so right that they not only outdo the original but eclipse the predecessor entirely. After much discussion, here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game sequels of all time.Read more...

After a tenure in which he repeatedly contradicted the president on statements about foreign adversaries, Director of National Intelligence Dan Coats has resigned from his post. The president has said he will likely nominate White House loyalist John Ratcliffe as a replacement. What do you think?Read more...

After attacking Representative Elijah Cummings (D-MD) in recent tweets by calling Baltimore a “very dangerous and filthy place,” President Trump attempted to paint Rev. Al Sharpton as a racist. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE—Announcing the conclusion of their landmark study, researchers from the University of Washington confirmed Tuesday that meditation can significantly reduce stress but added that they totally get it if you were just venting and weren’t actually looking for advice right now. “Based on a six-month double-blind…Read more...

Grand Theft Auto Online has seen its fair share of pain and controversy over the years, but Rockstar has once again cemented their status as industry leaders by finally tackling one of its biggest issues with an all new eco-friendly feature: To help offset the city’s carbon emissions, the game’s developers will plant…Read more...

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Hordes of grasshoppers have invaded Las Vegas due to a larger than usual amount of rainfall, burying cars and stunning drivers, although entomologists stress residents have little to fear from their largely benign presence. What do you think?Read more...

TEMPE, AZ—Yucca Tap Room patron Danny Foster told sources Tuesday that if Tempe resident Destiny Harris had no desire to field romantic overtures from inebriated male customers, she should not be hanging out in the bar taking drink orders. “She’s just going from table to table, mingling with all the customers, asking…Read more...

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Brazil’s part of the Amazon has lost more than 1,330 square miles of forest cover since Jair Bolsonaro, a populist who cut environmental policies, took office, constituting a 39% increase over the same period last year. What do you think?Read more...

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BOSTON—Shedding light on the emotional state of Coldplay’s frontman and his internal process while composing the iconic ballad, researchers at the Berklee College of Music published a study Monday confirming that Chris Martin probably cried when he wrote “Fix You.” “After months of inquiry, analysis, music theory…Read more...

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VATICAN CITY—In the wake of public outcry over a continuing spate of molestation allegations, leaders in the Catholic Church confirmed Monday that they have been pursuing a policy of quietly transferring the most alluring children in the faith to other churches. “As soon as any such issues come to our attention, we…Read more...

Gamers, get ready because we have the performance of a lifetime to show you! This guy riding on a bus is absolutely crushing it at whatever phone game he’s playing.Read more...

GLENDALE, PA—Expressing embarrassment and disappointment over being the son of such a loser, local 4-year-old Connor Heyward was convinced Friday that his father, Craig, was a moron after losing 45 consecutive games of hide-and-seek. “Christ, this is bad. I’ve hid behind that bush a dozen times and this dumbass still…Read more...

Instagram has started hiding likes for a test group in Canada, a fundamental alteration to the service that many users say will allow them to stay more focused on the content itself if the change is expanded to other markets. What do you think?Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—In an effort to continue breaking down the basic fundamentals of her craft, chef Samin Nosrat published her bestselling cookbook in a revised edition Friday that now covers five key elements of good cooking and is titled Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat, Marshmallow. “Look in the pantry of any professional chef, and…Read more...

COLUMBUS, OH—Expressing their appreciation that they were once again able to shop in peace, 7-Eleven patrons were reportedly relieved Friday to discover that the perky cashier had finally had his spirit crushed. “I’ve been dreading going in recently for fear of that chipper employee cracking jokes, asking how my day…Read more...

Attorney General William Barr directed the Bureau of Prisons to schedule the executions of five inmates convicted of murder and other crimes after nearly two decades of not doing so. What do you think?Read more...

SMOLENSK, RUSSIA—Lamenting that any interesting challenge in disrupting the vote has been completely removed from his job, Russian operative Pavel Artemyev reportedly expressed disappointment Friday that gerrymandering has taken all the fun out of hacking the 2020 election. “I really thought it would be a huge thrill…Read more...

NEW YORK—Touting the state-of-the-art device as a major time-saver for women, Procter & Gamble debuted a high-speed Tampax applicator Friday capable of launching tampons into the human vagina at speeds of up to 500 miles per hour. “Competing brands usually enter the vagina at 0.012 mph, with the resulting inefficiency…Read more...

MCGREGOR, IA—Panicking as kernels of the hardy self-cultivating cereal grain began spreading rapidly across his arms, legs, and torso, horrified Iowan farmer Lanny Heck broke out in virulent corn Friday after coming into direct contact with a plot of Monsanto crops. “My God, it’s—it’s growing everywhere,” said a…Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO—Face grim and emotionless as if hardened by years on a special investigation force, returning rock-show attendee Paul Grasso flashed his hand stamp to the bouncer at Highfalutin’s Thursday night like a world-weary field agent displaying his dented and tarnished badge while ducking under the yellow tape…Read more...

Looking to dive into the latest installment in the Blazkowicz clan’s ongoing war against the Third Reich? Then you’ve come to the right place. Read on to find out everything you need to know about Wolfenstein: Youngblood.Read more...

TikTok, a short video–making app with over 500 million active monthly users, has launched a new generation of internet tastemakers, as well as generated its share of controversies. The Onion answers common questions about the rise of TikTok.Read more...

Following a successful launch of the Chandrayaan-2 rover mission to the moon, India is on track to become the fourth country to complete a controlled lunar landing. What do you think?Read more...

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MAUI COUNTY, HI—Expressing surprise at the unexpected realization, sources confirmed Thursday that the sun setting over a tropical beach was actually kind of beautiful in its own way. “It might not have a traditionally attractive aesthetic, but if you look at just the right angle, there’s something sort of pretty…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Telling the youth organization that if they come for the king they best not miss, the Catholic Church announced Thursday that it was not about to be out-molested by the goddamn Boy Scouts. “If some pissant organization like the Scouts thinks they can beat us at the molestation game, then they have another…Read more...

Boris Johnson, the brash populist leader, is set to be the United Kingdom’s next prime minister after a vote among Tory membership, putting him in place to navigate a potential hard departure from the E.U. after years of promising Brexit’s benefits. What do you think?Read more...

CLIFTON, NJ— Confessing he feels a pang of guilt every time the bunny says “You’re my best friend!,” infant Justin Weber confirmed Thursday he worries constantly about being unworthy of the deep and evidently unconditional love shown to him by Hopsy, his animatronic toy rabbit. “Any day now, Hopsy will see the real…Read more...

PHILADELPHIA—Grossly underestimating the patience of their audience, rock-and-blues band Flashback Depot was going to pay dearly Thursday for attempting to perform an original song during their hour-long set. “Some people say we sound a little like the E Street Band, but we’ll let you be the judge of that,” said…Read more...

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Since its debut back in 2003, Call Of Duty has received widespread acclaim for its increasingly ambitious portrayals of the battlefield experience. In fact, in recent years the series has felt more and more like playing through a blockbuster action movie. But in an interview yesterday, the game’s creators confirmed…Read more...

SAN ANTONIO—Returning to the organization in an official capacity for the first time since his 2016 retirement, former NBA star Tim Duncan was reportedly embarking on a large-scale project Wednesday mapping out the San Antonio Spurs’ genealogy after being hired as the team archivist. “We’re thrilled to have Tim back…Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—Expressing dismay that the supposedly well-informed electorate was more concerned with tracking down his bloodstained Ford Escape than impeaching a corrupt commander in chief, motorist Mark Dolan said Wednesday that he fails to see why he should be relentlessly attacked for running over a single pit bull…Read more...

AKRON, OH—Expressing pride that the curriculum he helped put in place was already bearing fruit in critical areas of study, LeBron James revealed Wednesday that students at his I Promise elementary school have seen huge gains in English, math, and dunk testing. “I’m truly humbled to be making a difference in my…Read more...