The Onion

SAN ANTONIO—Returning to the organization in an official capacity for the first time since his 2016 retirement, former NBA star Tim Duncan was reportedly embarking on a large-scale project Wednesday mapping out the San Antonio Spurs’ genealogy after being hired as the team archivist. “We’re thrilled to have Tim back…Read more...

BUFFALO, NY—Expressing dismay that the supposedly well-informed electorate was more concerned with tracking down his bloodstained Ford Escape than impeaching a corrupt commander in chief, motorist Mark Dolan said Wednesday that he fails to see why he should be relentlessly attacked for running over a single pit bull…Read more...

AKRON, OH—Expressing pride that the curriculum he helped put in place was already bearing fruit in critical areas of study, LeBron James revealed Wednesday that students at his I Promise elementary school have seen huge gains in English, math, and dunk testing. “I’m truly humbled to be making a difference in my…Read more...

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Brace yourself for some awesome news, gamers, because according to a quick read of your OGN XP points, you’ve just read enough articles to earn a 1-Up.Read more...

ORION ARM—Emphasizing the short billion-mile trip from the ringed planet’s metro center to the historic and oft-overlooked locale, the solar system’s real estate agents have begun trying to attract home buyers to the neglected, run-down planet of Earth by renaming it “West Saturn.” “It’s obviously not the quietest or…Read more...

The fast-growing meal kit delivery industry is projected to be an $8 billion market by 2025, but critics warn that its unintended consequences can outweigh the benefits. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of meal kit delivery services.Read more...

NAPERVILLE, IL—Observing the importance of teaching children that death is a natural and inevitable part of life, family sources told reporters Wednesday that the passing of grandmother Helen Abernathe, 84, provided her beloved grandchild Emma, 7, with the emotional strength necessary to cope with the eventual death…Read more...

Puerto Ricans filled the streets for a massive planned protest against Ricardo Rosselló, 40, a Democrat whose leaked messages insulted women and gay people, made light of those who died from Hurricane Maria, and revealed potential crimes by his administration. What do you think?Read more...

BRISTOL, CT—Noting that the former USC quarterback’s grasp of the game and its nuances was immediately obvious, ESPN executives were impressed Tuesday by Mark Sanchez’s ability to point out the football field. “The second we brought Mark in, we just knew he was the one. He could watch a play and locate the 50-yard…Read more...

In an escalation of feuds between the two nations, Iran’s government claims it has dismantled a CIA network by arresting 17 individuals for spying for America, a claim the U.S. categorically denies. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Saying the process called for incredible patience, Tom Hanks, who stars as Fred Rogers in the forthcoming A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, recalled Tuesday having to arrive on the set of the film before dawn each day for a grueling, six-hour cardigan application process. “I was always at the trailer by…Read more...

CAPE CHARLES, VA—Warning it might take years for the small coastal community to recover from the devastating encounter, authorities in Cape Charles, VA confirmed Tuesday their town had been completely ravished by Alejandro.Read more...

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA—Questioning every decision that led her to the crucial moment, shopper Lisa Kolman spiraled into a churning vortex of crippling self-doubt Tuesday after the cashier at her local Trader Joe’s failed to compliment or even comment on any of the items she had purchased. “The woman at the register next…Read more...

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PHOENIX—In response to comments they described as “disgusting,” “cruel,” and “a perfect fit for our organization,” Phoenix law enforcement officials confirmed Tuesday local man Rod Cleighborn had been hired as a cop for posting a racist rant on social media. “Our newly hired officer made comments on Facebook that…Read more...

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced that he will support a bill to establish a commission to study reparations for slavery, adding a significant voice to the discussion surrounding the issue. What do you think?Read more...

Can’t wait to get your hands on the PlayStation 5? Then prepare to get jealous, because the cutting-edge video game console has apparently already been out in Japan for 20 years!Read more...

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JUNEAU, AK—Observing that she seemed to possess a truly effortless beauty, the laptop camera of local woman Isabel Vasquez reportedly longed to let her know her Monday just how amazing she looks when she doesn’t realize she’s being watched. “Oh! If only there were some way to tell her she’s absolutely stunning as she…Read more...

EUGENE, OR—Outlining what a shift in public consciousness regarding global ecocatastrophe might require, a study published by researchers at the University of Oregon Monday found the average American must have their life destroyed by a natural disaster every six minutes in order to finally fear climate change.…Read more...

If you’re a Star Wars devotee, you’re not going to want to miss out on this! Our mom just found an old copy of Super Star Wars while reorganizing the storage room in the basement, and for a limited time, it is completely free while it sits in the trash bag in the hallway. Who doesn’t love a freebie, right? All you…Read more...

In a largely symbolic victory for the left, the House of Representatives voted to raise the hourly minimum wage to $15 per hour, although the bill is almost guaranteed to die in the Republican-controlled Senate. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Tilting their heads back, breathing in thick gurgling gasps and flailing their arms about while stumbling for the nearest trash can, dorky little nerds across the country announced Monday that they, in fact, have a nosebleed. “Oh my, oh no. Please, someone? Get a tissue?” mewled millions of dweebish…Read more...

President Trump told reporters that he disagreed with “send her back” chants directed at Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-MN) at a recent campaign rally, and claimed that he attempted to cut off the chants despite this being contradicted by video from the rally. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Receiving a Cabinet-level appointment that surely would have made his old man proud, little Eugene Scalia—you know, Antonin’s boy—has been selected by President Trump to serve as the nation’s new labor secretary, sources confirmed Thursday. “I always knew little Geney from down the block was destined for…Read more...

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MALIBU, CA—In a discovery that may vastly increase understanding of the vestigial growths, researchers at Pepperdine University published a study Friday concluding that nipples evolved in order to stop mammals from voiding continuous streams of milk from their chests. “According to our findings, mammals steadily…Read more...

VALLIS ALPES, THE MOON—Yelling and waving his arms frantically in the hope that someone out there was paying attention, the real Buzz Aldrin was reportedly spending his 50th year in a row on the moon Friday trying to warn Earth of the imposter who had taken his place. “Come on, I’m right here, dammit,” shouted the…Read more...

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TRENTON, NJ—Shaking his head in dismay as he realized how quickly the slide into authoritarianism might occur, astonished man Dennis Burton told reporters Friday that he finally understood how Nazi Germany could happen after playing Wolfenstein 3D. “I always told myself that this was the sort of thing that could never…Read more...

Republican Mark Sanford announced that he will spend the next month mulling whether to run a campaign for president in 2020, saying Trump’s rhetoric is a distraction from policies that should emphasize fiscal responsibility. What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Recreating the iconic pose depicted on their 1970 album Bridge Over Troubled Water, Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel stood utterly motionless in a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame exhibit Friday to avoid detection by a security guard on the brink of catching them living in the museum. “That’s weird—I could have sworn…Read more...

Psychological research has found that specific colors can have significant effects on the ways a person’s brain and body function. The Onion takes a deep dive into how different colors can affect your mood, actions, and more.Read more...

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Game of Thrones led the pack for the 71st Emmy Awards with a historic 32 nominations, topping competitors including Better Call Saul and Killing Eve. What do you think?Read more...

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ALLENTOWN, PA—In preparation for a traditional family recipe passed down by her grandparents, local woman Nicole Fitzsimmons sealed several leftover pizza crusts in a plastic container Thursday with an eye to making pizza stock from them later this week. “Most people just throw out their ‘pizza bones,’ but there’s a…Read more...

It seems like Mom once again has some sort of art thing in the works, and it’s anyone’s guess where her creative instincts will take her this time: Mom just brought in a pretty average-looking rock from the woods that she says she will use in a “project.”

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Production insiders revealed that actor Lashana Lynch will take the codename 007 in the 25th Bond film, which will reportedly feature Daniel Craig’s James Bond retiring from intelligence gathering to a life in Jamaica. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Expressing irritation at the lack of communication from Disney regarding the major casting discrepancy in the newly-released film, John Oliver expressed annoyance Thursday after discovering that he was the only non-CGI character in the Lion King remake. “What in the hell? Everyone else provides a voice for a…Read more...

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SILVER SPRINGS, MD—Emphasizing the importance of staying cool and hydrated during the record-breaking temperatures, the National Weather Service stressed Thursday that those in the path of the upcoming heat wave should crawl towards the sparkling, cold spring shimmering at the edge of their vision. “Should you, in a…Read more...

NEW YORK—In an astonishing finding that sheds light on the character of the president, a shocking new video of Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump reportedly shows entirely still pictures leaping to life and moving of their own accord. “It’s alarming, to say the least, to see individual pictures—fully inert ones, mind…Read more...

BROOKLYN, NY—Following a hearing in which he was sentenced to life in prison plus 30 years, local convict Joaquín Guzmán, known to friends and family as El Chapo, told reporters Wednesday he couldn’t believe he was being jailed for drug offenses given how many real criminals are out there. “There are actual bad guys…Read more...

Responding to criticism that the series glorified self-harm, Netflix has recut a controversial suicide scene from the season finale of 13 Reasons Why to remove graphic elements. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Following the U.S. Justice Department’s decision not to bring federal charges against him, NYPD officer Daniel Pantaleo reportedly vowed Wednesday to get revenge on Eric Garner for trying to frame him for murder. “That son of a bitch tried to ruin my reputation and get me thrown in prison for nothing, but now…Read more...