The Onion

CHARLOTTE, NC—Categorically denying allegations that the tactic was unconstitutional and unfairly targeted players who protested the national anthem, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement Sunday defending the NFL’s right to subject Panthers safety Eric Reid to random stop-and-frisk searches. “We’re…Read more...

LONDON—Noting that making a difference would cost less than a single cup of coffee, the Against Malaria Foundation released an advertising campaign Friday stressing that even one dollar could help a needy child, but you’d have to be a complete fucking dick to give that little. “For just one dollar out of your…Read more...

Apple plans to employ 5,000 new workers at a new campus one miles from downtown Austin, TX, which will eventually have room to accommodate up to 15,000 workers. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Pacing frantically back and forth, wiping flecks of gore from their faces, and muttering that they could get everything under control if they just had more time, the panicked and blood-drenched citizens of the United States barked at everyone in their immediate vicinity Friday, demanding just one goddamn…Read more...

While New Year’s resolutions are popular, studies show that the majority of them are never achieved, making whether to tie personal goals to the beginning of a new year a matter of debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of making New Year’s resolutions.Read more...

CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an…Read more...

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Calling the product the must-have item for true music connoisseurs, Bose officials announced Friday the release of the new W85 headphones that are specifically optimized for listening to Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know.” “We’re proud to introduce the W85 as the next generation in Whitney…Read more...

In a finding that crossed racial, educational, and demographic lines, a new NPR/PBS NewsHour/Marist poll found most Americans are against the country becoming more politically correct, including a majority of independent voters. What do you think?Read more...

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The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame will induct a 2019 class including Radiohead, Janet Jackson, Stevie Nicks, The Cure, The Zombies, and several others. What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—In an effort to educate Americans on the common warning signs, mental health experts at Boston University issued a report Thursday noting that friends giving away their possessions was often a red flag that they’re planning on moving. “If you have a friend who has attempted to pass off objects like a bulky…Read more...

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NEW YORK—Growing visibly emotional as he expressed gratitude to legislators for their boldness and compassion, Mexican drug lord Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzmán reunited with his family Thursday following the passage of the First Act criminal justice reform bill. “It’s been a long road to release, but I’m ready to put my…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Noting the robust financial backdrop and expectations for sustained growth, the Federal Reserve released a report Thursday citing the healthy economy in its decision to have a baby. “After lengthy discussions to address lingering concerns among board members about trends in the broader macroeconomy, I’m…Read more...

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CHICAGO—Detailing the extensive backstories of the wall hangings and how he came to acquire them, local man Richard Minhas was methodically explaining Thursday the origin of every poster hanging in his apartment. “This one over here is a print of a Japanese woodblock I got from the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and then…Read more...

NEW YORK—Claiming that the continued strength of a marriage was dependent on incorporating the ritual into their routine, relationship experts told reporters Thursday that healthy couples should be renewing their vows at least three times a week. “It might feel a bit rote to have these frequent, scheduled events, but…Read more...

Season’s greetings from your old friend Santa! My, my, it seems the Christmas season comes a bit earlier each year, doesn’t it? Yes, it certainly does. And with the hours ticking away until we make the Yuletide gay, jolly old Saint Nick has a very important message for all his boys and girls.Read more...

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that their subjects felt healthier, more energetic, and oh, so satisfied the next morning, voyeur researchers at the University of Michigan recommended Thursday that the average adult spend at least seven hours each night watching another person sleep. “Based on our findings, anyone over the…Read more...

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A new report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed gun deaths in the U.S. reaching a record high, with such fatalities increasing by 10,000 from 1999 levels to 39,773 people in 2017. What do you think?Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Fresh off her victory in last night’s finale of The Voice, 16-year-old country singer Chevel Shepherd told reporters Wednesday she was excited to use the $50 Chili’s gift card she received for winning the televised singing competition. “After all those months of hard work, to win 50 bucks to spend on…Read more...

Merriam-Webster named “justice” the Word Of The Year for 2018, explaining that “the concept of justice was at the center of many of our national debates in the past year: Racial justice, social justice, criminal justice, economic justice.” What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent a long day at work waiting until he could finally go home and be lonely. “It’s so annoying having to be here in the office doing all this tedious paperwork…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Quashing rumors that the team was looking to make an early exit for Las Vegas, the Oakland Raiders announced plans Wednesday to play the entirety of their 2019 home schedule in Head Coach Jon Gruden’s backyard. “This is really the perfect venue for this this team—in fact, I think playing in my yard will…Read more...

SAINT PAUL, MN—Saying that he had “a really good feeling about today,” excited firefighter Pat Morales, 37, took the first opportunity he had on his Wednesday shift to check his fire station’s drop-off bin for any unwanted babies that may have come in while the crew was away. “Every time I come to work, I try to be…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—Excitedly catching a glimpse of his name atop the cast list posted outside the Apostolic Palace, an ecstatic Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally landed the role of a lifetime playing Mary in the annual St. Peter’s Christmas Pageant. “Oh my God, Mary—I got Mary!” said a visibly…Read more...

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Millions of terrified Americans were fleeing their homes in an attempt to outrun the towering tidal waves of thick brunette hair that began flowing across the nation Wednesday when Bosley hair restoration technicians lost control of what was supposed to be a routine medical procedure. “Pass me the…Read more...

Kimberly-Clark is recalling U by Kotex Sleek regular absorbency tampons after reports of the tampons unraveling or coming apart upon removal, which caused some users to seek medical attention. What do you think?Read more...

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Chuck Schumer declared this week that Democrats will not provide any more funding for a border wall, noting that he and fellow Democrats are willing to wait until they have a House majority to help push forward their interests. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Saying the news would come as a big disappointment to her, former CBS chairman and CEO Les Moonves confided to reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain how to tell his wife Julie Chen he didn’t get the $120 million bonus he had been expecting from the company. “She’s going to be so upset with me when she finds…Read more...

LEXINGTON, KY—Pushing back against what they view as political correctness run amok, DJs at local radio station 104.5 “The Cat” were defiantly playing “The Little Drummer Boy” on repeat Tuesday despite claims that the Christmas standard contains sexually predatory themes. “This is a classic song, and the manufactured…Read more...

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CLEVELAND—Claiming it was the most humane way to deal with their suffering fans, the Cleveland Browns announced Tuesday that they had euthanized the entirety of the Dawg Pound following a rabies outbreak. “They were a part of our Browns family, and we’re heartbroken over cutting their lives short, but putting them…Read more...

A new Pew study found that for the first time, more Americans get their news from social media than newspapers. What do you think?Read more...

SPOKANE, WA—Declaring his willingness to put the whole phase of his life behind him once and for all, 28-year-old man Neil Donovan confirmed Tuesday that he had finally found it in himself to forgive himself for a terrible mistake he made two seconds ago. “This has been an albatross around my neck for what sometimes…Read more...

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LOUISVILLE, KY—Referring to the fast food restaurant chain as a revolving door for perverts and sexual deviants, Kentucky Fried Chicken released a new attack ad Tuesday blaming Popeyes for the release of a convicted serial rapist from prison. “Next time you eat the 16-piece Bonafide Family Meal, remember that Popeyes…Read more...

In a deal with federal prosecutors, Maria Butina pleaded guilty to conspiring to act as a foreign agent as part of a broader effort to incline notable members of the NRA and other conservatives towards Russia. What do you think?Read more...

GENEVA, IL—Admitting that he thought he would have moved on by now, 28-year-old marketing analyst Garrett Moore reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Monday while revealing that everything still reminded him of Her. “Even the breeze in the park reminds of the cool rush of air conditioning I felt in the theater that…Read more...

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Sesame Street street puppet Lily, a 7-year-old bright pink Muppet, will become the show’s first character to experience homelessness, with the show’s producers hoping this addition will create empathy and a sense of understanding on the issue among children. What do you think?Read more...

MADISON, WI—Struggling to explain her positive emotional state, area woman Erin Kinney reportedly spent Monday wondering why she was suddenly happy despite not having purchased anything recently. “Huh, that’s weird. Why do I feel so content right now? I don’t think I splurged on anything today, but maybe I just…Read more...

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James Alex Fields Jr. was given a recommended sentence of life plus 419 years in prison for killing Heather Heyer and seriously injuring 35 others. What do you think?Read more...

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