The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Confirming the widely held theory that, hoo boy, that dame sure is somethin’, a study released Monday by researchers at UCLA found that they just don’t make ‘em like Ginger Rogers anymore. “After an exhaustive five-year survey of thousands of little numbers who may be real firecrackers but ain’t even a…Read more...

President Trump told confidantes that he hopes to place Herman Cain on the Federal Reserve Board, elevating the failed 2012 GOP hopeful and former Godfather’s Pizza CEO to the Fed, but will wait until his background check is completed. What do you think?Read more...

DULUTH, MN—Remarking on their relative’s unusually eventful romantic life, nephews and nieces of Janine Harrison, 48, confirmed Monday that their aunt managed to somehow both marry and divorce two separate times since the last time they had seen her. “I don’t think it’s been that long—five years at the outside—but it…Read more...

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Crediting his players for being wise enough to do what’s best for their health, Michigan State head coach Tom Izzo told reporters Saturday that this Spartans team was the best he’s ever threatened with violence. “In my 20-plus years at East Lansing, I’ve had the privilege of threatening to pummel some…Read more...

SAN JOSE, CA—Left aghast at a segment depicting the cruel realities of life in the Arctic wilderness, viewers of the new Netflix docuseries Our Planet were reportedly shocked Friday to witness narrator David Attenborough step into the frame to break the neck of a starving polar bear. “The scene was about a mama polar…Read more...

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Democratic Rep. Richard Neal (D-MA) formally requested six years of Trump’s personal tax returns, citing the need to conduct oversight of the IRS, including its policy of auditing the tax returns of sitting presidents. What do you think?Read more...

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SOUTHAMPTON, PA—Insisting that it was just their nana’s “special way” of saying goodbye, mourners confirmed Friday that the Shreve family had respected their grandmother’s wishes to have an opened-bloused funeral. “I know it makes some people a little uncomfortable to see her lying there, shirt open and tits out, but…Read more...

HOUSTON—Hoping to communicate the numerous health risks that can stem from obesity, local doctor Peter Gerheart took time during an annual checkup to gently inform patient Brianna Torres that he is overweight, sources reported Friday. “This is never an easy thing to tell a patient, but I think it’s important to be…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Calling its musical cue of “Paramount trumpet theme” a perfect choice, Paramount Pictures executive Michael Ryan quickly snapped up a script Friday that began with a series of animated stars swooping through the clouds before joining the studio’s logo and fading into an establishing shot of an actual…Read more...

The Last Of Us 2, the highly-anticipated sequel to the original blockbuster survival game, will be released this year, according to a new online store update from Sony. What do you think?Read more...

NEW YORK—Tantalizing fans with glimpses of Dothraki and Northmen joining together to can-can across Westeros, a new trailer for the final Game Of Thrones season provided a sneak peek Friday at the show’s climactic 25-minute all-cast dance number. “This, obviously, is what the series has been building toward since…Read more...

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GLADWYNE, PA—Looking askance at the man cradling her young offspring in his arms, a local mama duck stated Thursday that she had no recollection of asking anyone to rescue her baby duck from the road where it lay after being hit by a passing automobile. “Great! Now, in addition to the 10 healthy ducklings I have to…Read more...

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After being spurned by Republicans in Congress, President Trump signaled a retreat by announcing he would not consider dismantling and replacing the Affordable Care Act until after the 2020 election. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Proclaiming “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare,” Hare Krishnas issued a statement Thursday announcing “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama Rama, Hare Hare.” “Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna Krishna, Hare Hare, Hare Rama, Hara Rama, Rama…Read more...

PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to the recent arrest of a woman who brought a malware-laced device to the resort, Mar-A-Lago staff apologized Thursday for the breach of security caused by admitting a guest they assumed was just another high-powered lobbyist seeking to curry favor with the president. “We strive to ensure…Read more...

Associates of President Donald Trump being convicted or accused of crimes has led to speculation about whether any will receive presidential pardons, of which there have been thousands over the nation’s history. The Onion looks back at the most significant presidential pardons of all time.Read more...

GENEVA—Touting their new timepiece as a marvel of modern horology, watchmaker Rolex unveiled a diver’s cuckoo clock Thursday capable of keeping accurate time at undersea depths of up to 3,000 meters. “Whether you’re surveying the depths of the Mariana Trench or just taking your submarine out for a spin, the…Read more...

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As per tradition, Japan announced the name of their new era—Reiwa, roughly meaning good fortune—to coincide with the ascension of Crown Prince Naruhito to the imperial throne. What do you think?Read more...

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CLERMONT, GA—Slowly craning its neck to bask in the sight of the silvery radiance spilling through a crack in the roof of the slaughterhouse far above, a standard farm chicken beheld the light of the sun for the first time Wednesday an instant before powerful industrial machinery sliced off its head, along with those…Read more...

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Over-the-counter birth control is available in more than 100 countries, but not the United States, and whether it should be is a matter of fierce debate. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of making birth control available over the counter.Read more...

In addition to disrupting dozens of other industries, closing the U.S.–Mexico border could deprive the U.S. of avocados within three weeks, fruit distributors have suggested. What do you think?Read more...

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Under a new federal work requirement rule proposed by the White House, over 750,000 could lose access to food stamps due to personal or systemic barriers preventing access to work. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Inviting the young, outspoken Democrat to settle things once and for all, Tucker Carlson concluded a taping of Tucker Carlson Tonight Monday by challenging Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) to a date. “You talk a pretty big game on Twitter, but let’s see how well your pie-in-the-sky ideas hold up when…Read more...

ARCADIA, CA—In an effort to honor the equestrian’s courage and steadfast commitment in the face of adversity, Santa Anita racetrack officials awarded jockey Evan Spangler Tuesday with first place for dragging his dead horse 30 yards over the finish line. “The perseverance and bravery Evan displayed as he gripped the…Read more...

According to a whistleblower, the White House has reversed more than 25 denials of security clearances, often ignoring the recommendations of intelligence officials to confirm individuals such as Jared Kushner. What do you think?Read more...

PASADENA, CA—Noting that the breakthrough finding could have major implications for future interplanetary celebrations, scientists announced Tuesday that the discovery of dry ice on Mars means the planet may one day be suitable for a Halloween party. “While we find no evidence that the Red Planet currently features…Read more...

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Vacations with your family can help you unwind and reconnect with loved ones, but they are often expensive and difficult to plan. Here are The Onion’s top reasons to consider taking a road trip for your next family vacation.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In a statement confirming his support of the recent U.S. Supreme Court decision on lethal injection and the Eighth Amendment, Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh reiterated his belief Monday that cruel and unusual punishment was “what makes someone a true Kappa.” “The Amendments to the Constitution are full…Read more...

Fulfilling a pledge to President Trump, China has banned all versions of fentanyl, the powerful synthetic opioid that it has long allowed to be exported to America. What do you think?

STAMFORD, CT—Lamenting that the numbers were much lower than the company had anticipated, Purdue Pharma officials reported Monday that deaths from opioids had fallen well short of their quarterly goals. “For the third straight quarter, we’ve experienced a disappointing and underwhelming quantity of deaths among…Read more...

NEW HAVEN, CT—In a groundbreaking new report on one of the most revered figures in religious history, top biblical scholars published findings Monday that suggest Jesus Christ may have relied on the influence of His well-connected father, God, to land His powerful role as Lord and Savior to mankind.

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NAIROBI, KENYA—Warning that a complete overhaul of their skill set was necessary to survive in the 21st century, environmentalists announced a new conservation program Friday to help struggling rhinos adapt to the modern ecosystem by retraining them as urban scavengers. “Many of these animals simply aren’t equipped to…Read more...

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