The Onion
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| Updated | 2025-09-16 12:54 |
by The Onion on (#4089Z)
Atlanta announced plans to change the name of several streets honoring the Confederacy, noting that “the imagery and symbolism of these names [...] represent systematic injustice, persecution and cruelty. That is not who we are as a city.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#407ZT)
CHICAGO—Increasingly confused and embittered after noticing several eerie similarities over the course of their chit-chat, local woman Carrie Vance reportedly felt a twinge of betrayal Friday while sitting in the waiting room of her local salon and watching her hairdresser make small talk with another customer. “What…Read more...
by The Onion on (#407ZV)
The United Nations ordered the U.S. to ease some of its sanctions on Iran on the import of humanitarian goods and civil aviation. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#407QM)
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by The Onion on (#407JN)
NEW YORK—Suspicious after many patrons noted the hollow thunking noise produced by knocking on the building’s exterior, a group of forensic architects confirmed Friday that the Solomon R. Guggenheim Museum, long an architectural mainstay of Manhattan’s Upper East side was, in fact, a forgery. “It seems like a legit…Read more...
by The Onion on (#407JP)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#407JQ)
ST. PAUL, MN—Evidently shocked by on-screen events to the point of committing spontaneous breaches of filmgoing etiquette, a man at a Twin Cities showing of A Star Is Born repeatedly annoyed his fellow moviegoers by screaming “Get out of there, you idiot!†every time Bradley Cooper’s character appeared on the screen.…Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#407E6)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#405YW)
LOS ANGELES—Freely admitting that his accomplishment was no more than a mere blip on the radar in the grand scheme of things, actor Alan Alda announced Thursday that while it’s certainly much less important than almost everything else currently transpiring, he does in fact wonder if people are aware he’s getting a…Read more...
by The Onion on (#405YX)
A New York Times report suggests Donald Trump received at least $413 million in inheritance from his father’s real estate empire, likely through “dubious tax schemes†that raise the spectre of an investigation from the New York Tax Department. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#405VM)
There are 331 candidates for the 2018 Nobel Peace Prize laureate, whom the Norwegian Nobel Committee will reveal on Friday. The Onion takes a look at the top contenders for this year’s Peace Prize.Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#405QV)
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by The Onion on (#405QW)
STOCKHOLM—Anxiously awaiting critiques from the judges, the world’s leading scientists nervously stood next to their poster-board displays Thursday as the Nobel Committee made its way through a gymnasium, inspecting their projects. “I stayed up all night cutting out stenciled letters, mounting my results on…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#4059X)
WASHINGTON—Pointing to a more animated presentation style and a charisma that was evident from only a few overheard words, members of the Hidden Treasures Capitol tour confirmed Thursday that the guide one stop behind them was clearly giving a far more interesting tour. “As we were leaving the Rotunda, I could just…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#4059Y)
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by The Onion on (#4059Z)
At a press conference announcing a newly renegotiated NAFTA, the president shot down questions from the press about Brett Kavanaugh multiple times and told them he considers them “part of the Democratic Party.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#405A0)
DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to boost economic growth and retain residents who would otherwise pursue a more exciting and lucrative lifestyle in other areas, Iowa state officials unveiled a new population retention campaign Thursday designed to appeal to younger Iowans’ sense of filial piety with the slogan “The Stress…Read more...
by The Onion on (#403F0)
Starting Nov. 1, Amazon will pay all of its 250,000 U.S. employees at least $15 an hour and begin lobbying for an increase to the $7.25 federal minimum wage. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4032G)
In response to his support for Brett Kavanaugh, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was forced out of the D.C. restaurant Fiola last week by protesters. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#402SP)
TUCSON, AZ—Sighing as he settled into a corner table in the fast-casual eatery, FBI agent Thomas Vaughn, who is still tasked by the intelligence agency with following around left-wing writer Noam Chomsky, was reportedly preparing Wednesday for another day in a local Panera Bread. “I know we’ve been trailing this guy…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#402MT)
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by The Onion on (#402MV)
BERKELEY, CA—In what may pose a major paradigm shift in the rudimentary understanding of the small creatures, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley discovered evidence Wednesday that suggests children may, in fact, be closely related to humans. “After painstakingly extracting, sequencing, and analyzing…Read more...
by The Onion on (#402GE)
HEAVEN—Expressing His regret over the damage wrought by the divine substance, Supreme Being and Creator of All Things God admitted Wednesday that He could probably have devised a better way to give humans a taste of heavenly bliss than opioids. “I just wanted man to have a preview of how awesome the afterlife will…Read more...
by The Onion on (#400YD)
Touting it as a “historic new dawn,†President Trump announced the USMCA, a replacement for NAFTA that updates intellectual property requirements and opens U.S. access to the Canadian dairy market, amongst other changes. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#400N4)
SEATTLE—Hours after the online retailer’s announcement that it would increase the minimum hourly pay rate to $15 for all its U.S. employees, Amazon confirmed Tuesday that paper towels sold on its website had surged to $2,000 per roll due to the crippling cost of paying workers a living wage. “Unfortunately, Amazon’s…Read more...
by The Onion on (#400GQ)
CAMBRIDGE—Admitting that setting clear goalposts would help them with their tendency to procrastinate, scientists at Harvard University who work better under a deadline announced Tuesday that a cure for cancer was only 10 years away. “Okay, we’re coming out and saying, right now, that cancer will be completely…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#400GR)
MCKINNEY, TX—In a practice designed to prepare him for the unpredictability of life in general, systems analyst Anthony Cochrane, 29, has consumed multiple servings of spaghetti, mashed potatoes, corn on the cob, toast, doughnuts, snack crackers, and garlic bread so far this week, a nutrition regimen he pursues “just…Read more...
by The Onion on (#400BM)
The Coca-Cola Company and Aurora Cannabis are in talks to develop a potential drink using CBD, a component of marijuana that reduces pain and promotes relaxation. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#4006T)
WASHINGTON—Smacking their plump lips in anticipation as they squealed for piles upon piles of sugary delights, the nation’s little piggies took to the streets of the nation’s capital Tuesday to demand their sweet treats. “Oh, please, please, please! Our tummies need their yummies, and they need them now!†piped…Read more...
by The Onion on (#4000H)
WASHINGTON—Dismissing the individuals in question as lacking the depth of character necessary to pose a credible national security threat, Homeland Security director Kirstjen Nielsen released a watch list Tuesday of terrorists who don’t have the balls to participate in a direct attack on the United States. “The men…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3ZZVC)
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by The Onion on (#3ZYDR)
Tesla founder Elon Musk was forced to step down as the company’s chairman two days after the SEC filed a fraud case against him, although he will retain his CEO role. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3ZYDS)
WASHINGTON—Admonishing everyone who knows, works with, or is related to a man to consider the feelings of men for whom the Kavanaugh hearing may have dredged up painful denial-related memories, experts urged the U.S. populace Monday to be extra sensitive to those men who are currently being forced to relive the trauma…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3ZY9B)
BOULDER, CO—Expressing their consternation at the unwelcome surprise, employees of Barrington Brothers Moving & Storage Company told reporters Monday they hadn’t expected their client to have belongings. “We thought this was just going to be a standard job where we drive the truck up to the client’s old apartment,…Read more...
by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3ZXWV)
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by The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to on (#3ZXWW)
LOS ANGELES—Taking a moment to reflect on his potential career trajectory, actor Chris Pine reportedly became depressed Monday by the sudden realization that he could probably win a governorship somewhere. “Oh God—I could just waltz into any state and win, and it’d be so easy,†said the star of several major films,…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3ZXWX)
In the wake of the sexual assault allegations against Brett Kavanaugh, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spoke up in support of #MeToo, saying that “we will all be better off for it, men, women and children.†What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3ZXWY)
LEAVENWORTH, WA—After he was unable to come up with a precise age for any of the dozens of people in his life, sources confirmed Monday that local man Edward Warriner has absolutely no clue how old anyone he knows is. “My dad’s probably in his late 50s, so that means my mom has to be somewhere around there, too, but…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3ZXWZ)
CALHOUN, GA—Admitting that he certainly likes the son of God but “doesn’t exactly love the guy, per se,†self-described casual Christian Brian Neely disclosed Monday that he accepts Jesus Christ as his lord but not his savior. “Listen, I know Jesus is the King of Kings, but I’m pretty sure I can deliver my own soul…Read more...
by The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Oni on (#3ZXM2)
THIMPHU, BHUTAN—Noting that the season seemed to come earlier and earlier every year, local Bhutanese man Sangay Wangyel told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe his neighborhood pharmacy was already stocking stuff for Lhabab Duchen. “It’s still more than a month away and they’re already laying out the wooden…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3ZRSY)
Christine Blasey Ford provided testimony to the U.S. Senate about her allegation that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her in 1982, saying she was “100 percent†certain of her claims. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on (#3ZRJ3)
STANFORD, CA—Warning that the bright lights and flashy sets could have lasting effects on early brain development, health experts at Stanford University published a report Friday urging parents to dramatically reduce their children’s on-screen time. “Simply put, there is nothing worse for your child than allowing them…Read more...
by The Onion on (#3ZRE5)
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by The Onion on (#3ZRE6)
The Beatles will release a deluxe reissue of The White Album on Nov. 9, featuring a remixed album, seven early acoustic demos, and many previously unreleased session takes. What do you think?Read more...
by The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The On on (#3ZR5E)
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by The Onion on (#3ZR5F)
The U.S. one-cent coin costs more money than its face value to produce, which has led to debate over whether it’s worth continuing to mint and keep in circulation. The Onion presents the case for and against getting rid of the penny.Read more...