The Onion

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NEW YORK—Enraged to the point that she was no longer able to form words, a fuming Rachel Maddow spent an entire episode of her show Thursday just pointing wildly at a picture of Russian president Vladimir Putin. For the first segment of the program, the political pundit reportedly jabbed her finger at Putin’s photo as…Read more...

FLORENCE, AZ—Saying they’d like to see the National Guard try to do a better job, thousands of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents told reporters Thursday that it kind of hurts their feelings to know President Trump doesn’t think they’re doing enough to terrorize Hispanic people. “He must not understand…Read more...

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In response to President Trump imposing tariffs on aluminum and steel imports, China implemented reciprocal tariffs on over 100 American-made goods, igniting fears of a trade war. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide of how trade wars begin, escalate, and affect economies.Read more...

ROCHESTER, MN—In an effort to promote optimal women’s health, gynecologists at the Mayo Clinic recommended Thursday taking time off between IUDs to allow the body to expel backlogged periods. “We advise that before inserting a new Mirena or Liletta, a woman should give her body a break to flush out the months upon…Read more...

OAKLAND, CA—Describing the massive, water-resistant sheet as a “major step forward” in the stadium’s rain deferral technology, the Oakland Athletics unveiled a groundbreaking new tarp renovation Thursday for the Oakland Coliseum. “This state-of-the-art tarp is going to bring the A’s ground maintenance capabilities…Read more...

Japanese broadcaster Nippon has launched a news-broadcasting android named Erica Aoi to deliver the news using an advanced artificial speech system on several daily shows, telling reporters in a press conference that she is so realistic that she “appears to have a soul.” What do you think?Read more...

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Deciding to expel longtime member Colleen Ashford for missing the last two meetings, participants in a local book club reportedly remained unaware Thursday that she had choked to death alone in her apartment several days prior. “I mean, one absence we can understand—we’ve all been there—but now it’s two…Read more...

Reddit has rolled out its first major redesign in nearly a decade, giving its 230 million users a chance to access the website in a way designers hope is simpler and more accessible, without “altering the scaffolding” that has made it popular. What do you think?Read more...

ATLANTA—Calling on Americans to misinterpret absolutely everything the martyred activist stood for, the family of Martin Luther King Jr. urged the nation Wednesday to spend the 50th anniversary of his death twisting the civil rights icon’s words to advance their own individual agendas. “It is my sincerest hope that…Read more...

SAN BRUNO, CA—Cautioning against the possibility that disturbed video bloggers may seek to emulate the actions of Nasim Aghdam, law enforcement authorities released a statement today addressing fears that the YouTube shooter may inspire a wave of copycat content creators. “As guardians of public safety, we can’t help…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Frustrating the producers who had to keep stopping due to the steady stream of journalists walking on set, sources confirmed that a taping of a Roseanne episode was repeatedly interrupted Wednesday by reporters trying to interview members of the white working class. “We’re forced to call cut every five…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Hailing the text as a fascinating addition to the author’s established oeuvre, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Michael Crichton announced Wednesday that they had uncovered an unpublished manuscript about an amusement park that operates without a hitch. “This is an incredible find,” said…Read more...

NEW YORK—After years of complaints from players and fans over the outmoded mandate, the New York Yankees announced Wednesday they would eliminate the organization’s longstanding “no pubic hair” policy. “Effective this season, we are removing most of the restrictions on members of the New York Yankees growing their…Read more...

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CLEVELAND—Speculating that he had quite possibly reached the lowest point in his life thus far, 25-year-old Jeremy Garcia admitted he was worried he had hit rock bottom Wednesday after moving into a comfortable, rent-free arrangement in his parents’ house. “I’m deeply ashamed...I have no idea how I let things get this…Read more...

JUNEAU, AK—Saying it was clear the parents never intended to have such a large brood, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Greene family has way too many daughters for them not to have been trying for a son. “Obviously, after Jess and Katie, they started to get desperate for a boy, otherwise they wouldn’t have had…Read more...

A new study found that by cutting 25 percent of the calories in their meals, individuals were able to make their metabolism more efficient and decrease free radicals, and may thereby live longer. What do you think?Read more...

Ever since high school, my friends and I have had our own little roles to play within our group. Elise is the stylish one, Jen is the smart one, Yasmin is the party animal, and me? Well, my gal pals can always count on me for tough love, candid advice, my fiercely protective nature, and the cruel, calculated…Read more...

Revealing the sway of the media giant, Sinclair Broadcast Group made dozens of local anchors recite a promo in which they railed against “fake news” and delivered what have been seen by many as pro-Trump talking points. What do you think?Read more...

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OKLAHOMA CITY—Calling the demands to fully fund schools “a slap in the face” to the great men who built this country, Oklahoma state leaders denounced the ongoing teachers’ strike Tuesday for betraying the values upon which Abraham Lincoln and Orville Redenbacher founded America in 1914. “This goes against everything…Read more...

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CALVERT ISLAND, BRITISH COLUMBIA—In a discovery that defies all current theories concerning when developing humans began to kick up their heels, researchers confirmed Tuesday that a recently discovered set of distinctively patterned footprints found preserved in 13,000-year-old Canadian mud may reveal humans danced…Read more...

Standing desks are becoming more popular in workplaces where employees would otherwise sit all day, but not everyone thinks a standing desk is right for them. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of using a standing desk.Read more...

WASHINGTON—In what experts say is a slight cooling in attitudes towards the blatantly amoral enterprise of emotional exploitation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that the public is becoming more skeptical of the profit-oriented corporate data mine powered by human misery that currently dominates the online…Read more...

Hey, baby, I don’t want to ruin the mood right when things are starting to heat up, but is something wrong? It seems like maybe you’re not all that into it tonight. Don’t misunderstand me—I love to please you. That’s what I’m here for, you know that. But I guess what I’m wondering is, well, are you really just going…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—Confident she could defend herself if an intruder ever broke into her home, local woman Annie Stover told reporters Tuesday that in such an event, she would instantly reach for the 6-inch chef’s knife over any other blade in her cutlery drawer. “It’s small enough to be nice and handy, and with its curved…Read more...

In an interview Sunday, journalist Ronald Kessler said that Kellyanne Conway, counselor to President Trump, is the “number one leaker” in the White House. What do you think?Read more...

BERKELEY, CA—In a new study that explores the potentially traumatic effects of habitual caffeine consumption when combined with life-altering news, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley confirmed Tuesday that coffee drinkers are at a dramatically increased risk of having their mugs crash to the floor…Read more...

As tens of thousands gathered in Vatican City, Pope Francis spent his Easter mass calling for peace in parts of the world ravaged by war and conflict, including the Israel-Gaza border, Syria, and several African countries. What do you think?Read more...

BALTIMORE—Demonstrating far more passion for his beliefs and capacity for rhetorical flair than actual knowledge of workable climate change solutions, systems analyst Matthew Niles was observed Monday participating in a political argument by blatantly regurgitating the “St. Crispin’s Day” monologue from Henry V. “We…Read more...

JERUSALEM—Saying they were pretty hard to miss during her two-week visit to Israel, teenager Sarah Caplan told reporters Monday that she hadn’t expected to see so many dead Palestinians on her Birthright trip. “My friend Kate who came over last year said she noticed a couple, but this is way more dead Palestinians…Read more...

SUITLAND, MD—Having “gotten the scoop” from with-it locals in every geographic region of the country, the U.S. Census Bureau Monday released its 2018 Federal Report On Neighborhood Vibes. “The majority of boroughs considered chill in 2017 maintained their cool, laid-back atmosphere, while most of those on the weirder…Read more...

WASHINGTON—Asserting that beverage manufacturers should really make more of an effort to reach their overlooked demographic, America’s 18-to-35-year-old white males confirmed Monday that they are still searching for the perfect way to quench their thirst. “For decades, we’ve been looking for a beverage targeted just…Read more...

NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing relief that cultural norms had finally shifted in his favor, Bill Cosby was reportedly feeling better about his retrial Monday now that the climate around sexual assault has cooled down. “I’m definitely more optimistic than I was a few months ago,” said the 80-year-old entertainer who stands…Read more...

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NASHVILLE, TN—Noting that he had recently broken up with a longtime partner, local man Pete Kempton, 36, told reporters Monday that he was “not really looking to date right now,” conveying the misguided belief that he was somehow exempt from the all-powerful, mysterious whims of Eros. “It’s been five years since I was…Read more...

THE HEAVENS—Feeling unnerved after sensing a sudden movement in His peripheral vision, an increasingly jumpy God, Our Heavenly Father, was reportedly starting to worry Monday that Heaven may be haunted. “No, seriously, this is not okay—I’m really freaking the fuck out here,” said the Lord Almighty, adding that He was…Read more...

Citing the negligence of his original legal counsel, the Maryland Court of Special Appeals has granted a new trial to Adnan Syed, whose conviction of first-degree murder was chronicled on the popular podcast Serial. What do you think?Read more...

Under fire from viewers and advertisers, Laura Ingraham apologized Thursday for mocking Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg, expressing regret for “any upset or hurt my tweet caused.” What do you think?Read more...

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ANAHEIM, CA—Noting that the cast-off segments of the tiny carapace are a popular keepsake among parents, Dr. James Gallagher asked a new mother on Friday if she would like to save her newborn’s exoskeleton. “Many new parents hold onto their baby’s discarded outer epidermis as a memento,” said Gallagher, who noted that…Read more...

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NEW YORK—With players, coaches, and executives around the league admitting that the sudden finish had taken them completely by surprise, sources confirmed that the Major League Baseball season ended Thursday night over 200 days earlier than expected after new rules designed to make games take less time sped them up…Read more...

HAMMOND, IN—George Thorogood fan Hank Flores was disgusted to learn Friday that the white-boogie-blues musician had licensed his single “Bad To The Bone” for commercial purposes, expressing disbelief that one of his musical and philosophical idols would sell out in such a fashion. “Man, that song used to really mean…Read more...

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