The Onion

EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead…Read more...

SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Explaining that their goal has always been to hold a mirror to society, whether focusing on the power of friendship or a racially motivated killing, the writers behind the hit children’s television series PAW Patrol defended a recent episode of the show Friday in which a German shepherd “police pup” shoots…Read more...

The number of people using mobile payment apps like Apple Pay and Venmo continues to rise, although there are concerns that their convenience could come at the cost of security. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of mobile payment apps.Read more...

JERUSALEM—Talking of the deep satisfaction they feel when slipping on a gilded robe and chilling out with devotees, world leaders from Christianity, Islam, Hinduism, and every other major religion admitted Friday that they just love getting to wear frilly little gowns and having a blast. “Yeah, what can I say? We just…Read more...

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The West Hollywood City Council approved a symbolic vote in support of removing President Trump’s star from the Walk of Fame, although the ultimate decision is governed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. What do you think?Read more...

EOFERWIC, BRITANNIA—Saying that it really wasn’t such a grandiose request after years of loyal servitude, Ilbert Hildebrondus, a local court trumpeter at the Old Baile Keep, confirmed Wednesday he wishes that, just once, someone would sound the horns for him as he entered the castle gates. “All I’m saying is that one…Read more...

ROME—Sweeping through the Holy Roman Empire from Saxony to Sardinia, the new Pope Innocent III–penned Gregorian chant “Veni Sancte Spiritus” was causing church masses to go wild Sunday with its catchy liturgical hooks and strict adherence to monastic traditions of composition. “The monks start intoning this soft,…Read more...

DINKELSBÜHL, GERMANIA—Stressing that he simply found the boorish displays to be beneath him in every respect, pretentious peasant Hans van Leden repeatedly insisted Friday that he never stoops to watching beheadings. “Frankly, I’ve always thought there was something a bit crass about frittering away your time in the…Read more...

EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated…Read more...

HOBSCROSS, BRITANNIA—Taking exception with the flashy, non-accidental opening in the Western wall of the thatched hut, the serf community expressed disapproval Monday after discovering that Ernault Bauldry, a hotshot peasant and laborer in Hobscross fields, has a window. “Well, la-di-dah, look who’s putting on airs…Read more...

WINTANCAESTER, BRITANNIA—In response to the outcry that has followed the distribution of woodcuts showing one of its members posing next to a beheaded dragon, the Chivalric Order of St. George issued a statement Wednesday rebuking the notion that the creatures could go extinct if knights continue to hunt them. “In…Read more...

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NBCUniversal plans to launch a streaming service that will incentivize viewers to watch shows with redeemable points and gift certificates. What do you think?Read more...

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NEW YORK—Admitting that this week’s devastating quarterly earnings report necessitated tough decisions on the part of the company, MoviePass CEO Mitch Lowe announced plans Thursday to increase profitability by no longer mailing out $500 checks to subscribers every month. “While this decision is sure to be unpopular…Read more...

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MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place…Read more...

NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been…Read more...

NEW YORK—Heeding the call of the Boston Globe to come together in the defense of journalistic integrity, Star Wars News Net joined hundreds of publications Thursday in condemning President Donald Trump’s attacks on the press. “The president could not be more wrong when he calls the free press an enemy of the people,…Read more...

LOS ANGELES—Describing his character-oriented method acting process for the first time, Jason Momoa revealed Thursday how he prepared to play Aquaman by spending more than six months living as a useless dumbass. “It was, surprisingly, a lot of hard work being such an ineffective dipshit 24/7,” said Momoa, 39, adding…Read more...

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FORSYTH, IL—Characterizing the reclusive subterranean race of diminutive miners right off the bat as “possessed of a fiery demeanor most unpleasant” from its opening pages, fantasy novel The Mage’s Shadow was not holding back on its criticisms of dwarvish culture in the least, readers confirmed Thursday. “For a whole…Read more...

Due to the burgeoning El Niño, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has forecasted a quieter-than-usual Atlantic hurricane season. What do you think?Read more...

WASHINGTON—Admitting that a second-hand retelling would not do their findings justice, NASA scientists confirmed Thursday that they had made a life-changing discovery, but you kind of had to be there. “These results revolutionize our very understanding of subatomic particles—man, I wish I could even explain, however,…Read more...

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They do pizza, they do french fries, they do movies! Here are five favorite skinny TV lady who love to EAT!Read more...

The leaders of North and South Korea have agreed to a summit in Pyongyang this September, the third such meeting this year. What do you think?Read more...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Recounting the unexpected difficulties the future president’s brief cameo brought to his film shoot, Home Alone 2: Lost In New York director Chris Columbus admitted Wednesday that he has hours of outtakes featuring Donald Trump uttering racial slurs. “We thought it would be a fun little 30-second…Read more...

VATICAN CITY—An internal Catholic church report on the frequency of institutionalized sexual abuse of minors by authority figures revealed Wednesday that there is a high probability that Pope Francis has, in fact, molested at least one child. “Given what we are learning about the proportion of priests who have engaged…Read more...

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding further light on a long history of attempts to protect itself from accusations of criminal activity, biblical scholars at Harvard Divinity School reported Wednesday they have found evidence that the early Catholic church covered up for three wise men who molested baby Jesus. “After deciphering…Read more...

RED FIR, CA—Spending what seemed like the correct amount of time soaking in the beauty of the massive tree, local man Matt Tedesco assumed Wednesday that he probably stared at a giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it. “I mean, it’s definitely really big, and I went and stood under it, so I think I get how majestic…Read more...

ATLANTA—Confirming your long-held suspicions with a 15-year observational study on the effects of behavior on human aging, researchers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed Wednesday that all of the world’s absolute worst people would almost certainly outlive you. “We can now conclusively say…Read more...

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The Great British Baking Show, a British television competition that airs on Netflix and PBS, has become a cult phenomenon in the U.S. The Onion presents a guide to everything you need to know about The Great British Baking Show.Read more...

SANDY SPRINGS, GA—In an effort to honor the widely admired first lady, fast-casual chain Arby’s announced Wednesday that they’re releasing special edition curly fries packaged in a carton with the late Barbara Bush’s face alongside the words “In Remembrance” written tastefully in cursive. “We’re excited today to pay…Read more...

More than 100 newspapers have signed onto a Boston Globe-led campaign to publish editorials inveighing against Trump’s designation of the media as an “enemy of the people.” What do you think?Read more...

BOSTON—Admitting he only knew the guy for “a couple weeks, tops,” local cardiac surgeon Dr. David Griffiths told reporters he was sorta bummed about losing his patient Brian Fields, but it’s not as if they were close or anything. “You never want to lose a patient on the operating table, but it’s not like I’m going to…Read more...

A groundbreaking study was published today that will forever alter the way Christians and non-believers alike think about the historical Jesus Christ. Biblical scholars have discovered that Christ’s eyes were much lower on his face than previously believed!Read more...

Omarosa Manigault-Newman played a recording of Chief of Staff John Kelly she made as he fired her in the White House situation room, a move that national security experts warn is potentially illegal. What do you think?Read more...

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Touting the state-of-the-art electric execution device’s energy efficiency, sleek design, and whisper-quiet machinery, billionaire Elon Musk gave Saudi investors a presentation on a new autonomous adulterer-beheading machine he has invented, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ve been thinking a lot…Read more...

FOXBORO, MA—Admitting the demands of the NFL season have worn down his temporary corporeal body, Patriots head coach Bill Belichick announced Tuesday that the upcoming season would be the last he will coach in his current mortal form. “Whether we win the Lombardi trophy or not, this will be the last season I coach…Read more...

CORVALLIS, OR—Seething with anger at the mere prospect of such an outcome, a local caterpillar, who has spent the past three months in its pupal stage, acknowledged Tuesday that it would be extremely pissed off if, upon maturation, it turned out to be a moth. “I swear to fucking God, if I’ve spent 90 days cooped up in…Read more...

Recently, several accusations have been made against me—eight women have come forward to claim I made inappropriate advances while working with them at CBS. I realize that my behavior may have resulted in some discomfort, but lost in the rush to judgment are important details about the context in which these…Read more...

PHOENIX—Acknowledging that a municipality such as present-day Stuttgart or Bremen may have been a more tactful choice for a German sister city, Phoenix mayor Thelda Williams apologized Tuesday for instead choosing the Berlin of 1941. “Berlin during the, shall we say, post-Weimar era certainly had some commendable…Read more...

LOWER MERION, PA—Calling the murderous character’s methods and practices into question, movie viewer Richard Anthony said Tuesday that, were he in fact the killer portrayed in the home invasion film You’re Next, he would have conducted himself in a distinctly different fashion. “This makes absolutely zero sense—why…Read more...