The Onion

APOPKA, FL—Local man Jeremy Land reportedly voiced his preference Thursday for comic books that don’t insert politics into stories about people forced to undergo body- and mind-altering experiments that transform them into government agents of war. “I’m tired of simply trying to enjoy escapist stories in which people…Read more...

Crowdfunding has become a popular way to raise money from friends, family, and strangers for everything from artistic projects to medical expenses. The Onion presents a step-by-step guide to running a successful crowdfunding campaign:Read more...

NEW YORK—Honoring their sartorial excellence at a time when most people dressed all frumpy, the Parsons School of Design celebrated the start of Black History Month Thursday by recalling how sharp African Americans looked in old-timey clothes. “Throughout February, as we recognize the countless contributions black…Read more...

NEW YORK—According to several eyewitness accounts, Icelandic singer and experimental artist Björk was reportedly spotted Wednesday night leaving a New York City nightclub with a mysterious firefly trapped within an ethereal bubble. “I can confirm that Björk was out and about in Manhattan last night canoodling with a…Read more...

The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use their controversial mascot on next year’s uniforms, although they will continue selling some merchandise featuring him. What do you think?Read more...

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President Trump delivered his first State Of The Union Address last night. What do you think?Read more...

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SEATTLE—Saying the online retailer was attempting to get ahead of the anticipated rush, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced Wednesday that his company’s warehouses have been stocked with 20,000 doctors in preparation for the launch of his new healthcare initiative. “As part of our mission to always be expanding our…Read more...

LAREDO, TX—Scrambling to cook breakfast, change a diaper, and put on his bulletproof vest at the same time, tough-as-nails ICE agent Tony Carter admitted Thursday that he was struggling to raise the remaining three members of the Guerrero family after deporting their parents to El Salvador. “Alright, you knuckleheads,…Read more...

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PASADENA, CA—In a groundbreaking study that sheds new light upon the vast capabilities of the human mind, neurologists at the California Institute of Technology have shown that our brains continue to engage in self-criticism for several minutes after we die. “Using the latest neuroimaging techniques, we have been able…Read more...

NEW YORK—While acknowledging that he hopes to improve upon many of the industry’s shortcomings, JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon stated Wednesday that his real inspiration for starting a new healthcare company is his deep-seated and unrelenting desire to see a fellow human being die up close. “Sure, I’m looking forward…Read more...

Shoppers at French supermarket chain Intermarché are rioting through stores and engaging in violence after the chain cut the price of Nutella by 70 percent. What do you think?Read more...

MARSHALL, MN—Claiming that his gruff classroom demeanor was often misunderstood, no-nonsense chemistry teacher Bill Powderly explained on Wednesday that he was only tough on his students because he gets off on exploiting his authority. “Listen folks, I’m only stern with you kids because I care [about the surge of…Read more...

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On Wednesday, stargazers will see a rare triple lineup that includes a blue moon, a supermoon, and a total lunar eclipse, an occurrence that will not happen again until 2037. What do you think?Read more...

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WASHINGTON—Saying the outing was a well-deserved treat for laboring on President Trump’s upcoming State of the Union address, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller reportedly rewarded himself Tuesday with a trip to see all the children at a local ICE detention center. “I’ve been putting in some pretty long hours, so…Read more...

The DREAM Act, which would provide permanent residency to immigrants brought into the country as children who fulfill certain requirements, has been controversial since its introduction in 2001 and remains one of the focal points of the immigration debate. The Onion outlines the myths and facts surrounding the DREAM…Read more...

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BOSTON—Growing more agitated the harder he tried coming up with a suggestion, mathematician William Haley reportedly became flustered Tuesday after he was unable to recommend a good number. “Ah, shit, give me a second, I’m totally blanking on a numeral right now,” said an overwhelmed Haley, adding that while there…Read more...

FREMONT, CA—Stressing that they should only say it once they feel comfortable, local stepmom Allison Pratt told reporters Tuesday that she doesn’t expect her stepchildren to call her a stupid bitch right away. “They were already teenagers when I came into their lives, so I understand if it takes a while before they…Read more...

A mining company in Lesotho has discovered a 910-carat diamond in the country’s mountainous region, one of the largest of its kind ever found with an estimated $40 million price tag. What do you think?Read more...

CLEVELAND—Stressing the importance of showing consideration for every stockholder, Cleveland Indians owner Paul Dolan admitted Monday that mascot Chief Wahoo is no longer compatible with modern revenue growth expectations. “Although he has been the franchise symbol for decades, we decided it’s best to remove Chief…Read more...

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Swedish entrepreneur and Ikea founder Ingvar Kampgrad died at 91 after a brief illness. What do you think?Read more...

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DALLAS—Confirming that the woman he has been dating since last year is “the whole package,” local man Tim Gurtz told reporters Monday his absolutely perfect girlfriend, Sasha Klein, blames herself for everything. “We get along so well we hardly ever fight, but when we do, she immediately backs down, says it’s all her…Read more...

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BALTIMORE—In a groundbreaking procedure that experts say may change the future of medicine, doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital announced on Monday that they had performed the first successful surgery on a broken thumb. “Just five years ago, we never would have dreamed it possible to repair a fracture in the small bones…Read more...

A new comprehensive survey has found that e-cigarettes likely increase the risk of smoking regular tobacco products in children, but also can aid adult smokers in weaning themselves from addiction. What do you think?Read more...

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The federal government is gathering information on an accident in which a Tesla Model S plowed into a fire truck at 65 mph while using autopilot. What do you think?Read more...

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Acknowledging that she had self-centeredly done almost all of the talking, area woman Rebecca Walsh apologized to her therapist Friday for monopolizing their conversation. “Sorry—God, I’m not even letting you get a word in edgewise—but I just thought of something really hurtful my mom said to me when I…Read more...

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LOS ANGELES—Making the discovery while searching his attic for a pair of rarely worn snow pants, actor Brad Pitt on Friday reportedly stumbled across an old cardboard box containing the severed head of Gwyneth Paltrow. “Oh man, I totally forgot about this up here! Right after we broke up I never wanted to see it…Read more...

NEW YORK—Offering young acne sufferers the means to clear up their skin in nonjudgmental privacy, a new AcneFree treatment unveiled Friday will ship teens to a remote island colony for the remainder of puberty. “We’re excited to provide pimpled teenagers with the opportunity to spend their adolescence ridding…Read more...

After accidentally swiping left rather than right, a Missouri State freshman emailed every student on campus with the name Claudia in an effort to connect with her using the only information he knew. What do you think?Read more...

Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth announced this week that she is pregnant with her second child, which will make her the first serving U.S. Senator to give birth while in office. What do you think?Read more...

NULLARBOR PLAIN, AUSTRALIA—Having completed the ritualistic journey from inexperienced trainees to enlightened servers, hostesses, and line cooks, employees at Outback Steakhouse reportedly returned from their mandatory six-month walkabout in the Australian wilderness Thursday. “This rite of passage, in which…Read more...

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LENEXA, KS—Saying she considered it his best work yet, local mom Arianne Caluso told her son Jack on Thursday that she has been getting pretty into the new Tyler, The Creator album. “Oh, Jack, honey, I’ve been listening to Flower Boy almost nonstop for the past few days—it’s just fabulous!” said Caluso, 54, of the…Read more...

SEATTLE—Suddenly snapping back to attention, a dazed Jeff Bezos reportedly realized Thursday that he had spent an entire conversation thinking about how to automate the person talking to him. “Sorry, could you repeat that? I just lost focus for a second [as I indifferently watched you open and close your mouth,…Read more...

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