The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Honoring the esteemed actor’s many decades in the film industry with drinks and light appetizers, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences reportedly held a small farewell gathering in the Dolby Theatre kitchen Friday to celebrate the retirement of Daniel Day-Lewis. “I started working with Daniel…Read more...

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FRESNO, CA—Marveling at how a tiny bit of DNA could provide so much information about a person, local man Travis Fleming told sources Friday that he had recently learned what crimes he committed thanks to the 23AndMe forensic kit. “I spit into the vial they provided, shipped it off to the 23AndMe forensic lab, and…Read more...

CHICAGO—Informing readers that it was one of the sole means for a digital publication to generate revenue, a report released Thursday indicated that The Onion doesn’t make any money if you don’t click the fucking link. “According to our findings, The Onion doesn’t receive a single goddamn cent unless you dipshits out…Read more...

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BETHESDA, MD—Following a long and excruciatingly painful battle, local husband and father of three Bryan Dunn, 43, reportedly passed away Thursday surrounded by many of his closest knife-wielding loved ones. “It was hard to see Bryan go, but you could tell how much it meant to have all of his friends and family around…Read more...

AUSTIN, TX—In the wake of allegations of sexual misconduct by two former employees at his site, InfoWars, a frothing, red-faced Alex Jones repeatedly claimed that sexual harassment was part of a worldwide imbalance in gender power dynamics. “Sexual harassment is just one aspect of a larger system, extending to every…Read more...

The 90th Academy Awards have continued the trend of offering a more diverse slate of nominees, while organizers will seek to avoid a debacle like last year, when the Best Picture trophy was initially awarded to La La Land instead of Moonlight. Here are The Onion’s selections for this year’s winners.Read more...

CHESAPEAKE, VA—In response to the deadly shooting at a Parkland, FL high school earlier this month, Dollar Tree officials announced Thursday that the discount variety store will no longer sell assault weapons. “Under no circumstances should a teenager be able to walk into a Dollar Tree, purchase a Basic Brands ValuPak…Read more...

JOHNSTOWN, OH—Anxiously searching through the variety of brands on display for an acceptable offering, local man Nate Walsh reportedly scanned the beer aisle of his neighborhood Kroger Thursday for something his asshole friend wouldn’t mock. “I never heard the end of it when I showed up to Dave’s New Year’s Eve party…Read more...

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the device as its most user-friendly and immersive to date, Apple unveiled the new iPhone X Continental at an event on their campus Thursday, marking the debut of the first smartphone colossal enough for all Americans to use at once. “Boasting a screen size of 1,400 by 2,875 miles and a…Read more...

MONTREAL, CANADA—In response to an outpouring of feedback from concerned families, pornographic website PornHub announced new parental controls Thursday to help users manage which hardcore, amateur, and fetish content their children see. “We understand that not all families share the same ideas about which filthy smut…Read more...

CHAMBERSBURG, PA—As the national debate surrounding school shootings continues with President Trump recently suggesting educators carry guns in the classroom, high school English teacher Mary Bacher told reporters Thursday that she was already armed with a deadly weapon called Shakespeare. “There’s nothing more lethal…Read more...

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Since its founding in 1756, The Onion has been the gold standard for journalistic integrity, never hesitating to grab truth by the collar, hold it up to a bright, blinding light, and demand answers. While lesser publications debase themselves by chasing after web traffic and social media attention, we maintain our…Read more...

RIVER FOREST, IL—Proposing that it might be kind of fun to share their life experiences with another person or persons, sources speculated Thursday that it would probably be nice having friends. “Gosh, it would probably be pretty cool to have a few select people in your life to do stuff with on a regular basis,” said…Read more...

STEP 1: Find a simple thing to make more complicated.Read more...

As you go about your day, try to generate as little data as possible.Read more...

ATLANTA—Taking a cue from the airline’s recent decision to cut business ties with the National Rifle Association, Delta pilot Jim Dettro is currently in a holding pattern above Hartsfield-Jackson airport and is refusing to land until meaningful gun control laws are passed. “Folks, this is your captain speaking. We…Read more...

TEMPE, AZ—While acknowledging that patrolling the human body was at times both stressful and dangerous, a lone white blood cell long hardened by its repeated violent contact with influenza, papilloma, and the common cold acknowledged Wednesday that it no longer hesitates to kill viruses. “When I come across a strain…Read more...

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CAIRNS, AUSTRALIA—Adapting to the climatic changes that have irrevocably altered the world’s largest once-living thing, tour guides on Australia’s Great Barrier Reef are now offering divers a chance to see the breathtaking diversity of ocean death. “Whether you want to see thousands of colorful crabs that died as a…Read more...

SANTA FE, NM—Stressing that he did not need “a ton of fancy toppings,” local dad Dennis Metzger reportedly expressed frustration to his dining companions at the Boxcar Bar and Grill Wednesday, explaining that he just wanted to order a normal burger. “Is putting a regular, ordinary burger on the menu too much to ask?”…Read more...

CHICAGO—Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium unveiled a new Water Touch Tank exhibit Wednesday, offering children of all ages the opportunity to observe and pet the beautiful marine liquid in its natural environment. “Many of our young guests have already seen water, most likely in textbooks or during previous visits to the…Read more...

ATLANTA—Promising the new addition to their product line would provide “that sexy, slender look,” undergarment maker Spanx, Inc. announced Wednesday it would begin offering its first-ever shapewear hood, designed to smooth away unsightly heads. “The Spanx Hood is made with a comfortable nylon and elastane blend that…Read more...

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Climate models suggest that 70 percent of the 3.2 million King Penguins on Earth could die off by 2100 due to dwindling food sources. What do you think?Read more...

A report released by the Economic Policy Institute found that African Americans have experienced no net gains in homeownership, incarceration, or employment rates in the past 50 years. What do you think?Read more...

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SPRINGFIELD, IL—Feeling anxious about broaching the subject with her strict, conservative family, local teenager Brynna Kessell confirmed Tuesday that she was unsure how to break it to her parents that the devil had recently gotten her pregnant. “When they find out that I’ve been carrying Satan’s spawn, they’re…Read more...

Free speech has become an increasingly contentious issue on college campuses as students, faculty, and the national media debate whether schools should impose restrictions on things like protests, guest speakers, and course material. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of free speech on college campuses.Read more...

NEW YORK—Considering and rejecting names at a rapid clip, local woman Michelle Alghabra mentally rifled through over a dozen friends Tuesday in search of the perfect person to sympathize with her latest petty conundrum. “Alison is usually my go-to for a sympathetic ear, but she might not see this as that big of a deal…Read more...

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A Gallup poll has found that while Americans under 30 are more liberal on a variety of other issues, they are only 1 percent more likely to approve gun control than their elders. What do you think?Read more...

EDMONDS, WA—Highly motivated and ready to put their new skills to good use, sources at Rantrix Technologies reported Tuesday that their two-day corporate retreat had succeeded in teaching them how to better dick around as team. “It was really great to put aside our normal routine, take a step back, and focus on a…Read more...

China’s Communist Party may scrap the two-term presidential limit, clearing the way for Xi Jinping to stay in power far longer than the typical 10-year tenure. What do you think?Read more...

ITHACA, NY—In an effort to raise awareness on a potentially massive squandering of personal resources by thousands of hip, happening Americans, analysts at Cornell University published an alarming study Monday confirming that the vast majority of citizens who have got it fail to regularly and persistently flaunt it.…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Growing ever more frustrated as he found himself spending his 10th minute of the day on non-interactive animation designed to advance the game’s plot, gamer Kyle Pierce told reporters Monday that even after spending 137 hours playing Xenoblade Chronicles 2, he could not believe that he has to waste his…Read more...

CLEVELAND—Saying the bold new infrastructure project would serve the needs of local residents through the 21st century and beyond, city officials announced Monday that work was finally complete on Cleveland’s long-awaited elevated sewer system.Read more...

CHICAGO—Explaining the growing need to tighten restrictions for the comfort of their guests, United Airlines officials announced Monday plans to update their policy on allowing dogfights in the passenger cabin. “Effective immediately, United will no longer permit guests to stage dogfights or any other bloodsport on…Read more...

PHOENIX—Casting aside any semblance of social decorum and human dignity, fifth grader Evelyn Gasper brutally impaled a stack of loose-leaf paper onto the rings of her binder Monday without hesitating for even a second to request access to the three-hole punch, sources at Peabody Elementary School confirmed. “My god,…Read more...

TOMS RIVER, NJ—Reluctantly giving a pep talk on inner strength before ushering his newest student into the ring, local boxing guru Bill Sweeney told reporters Tuesday that he wished just once he could coach someone who had already fully worked through their childhood trauma. “Christ, I just want to teach people how to…Read more...

ROME—According to a report released Monday by the United Nations, U.S. consumers waste roughly 50 million tons of sugar-saturated food each year, a quantity sufficient to give over one billion residents of the developing world Type 2 diabetes. “Citizens in more affluent nations such as the United States do not fully…Read more...