Lowering the Bar

Put another way, the prosecution convinced the jury he was guilty of 19. Related StoriesBar Beats 500-Meter-Distance Rule With 500-Meter MazeFrozen Guru Update IVMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

Free tip: Generally you should avoid arguments that may cause a justice of the U.S. Supreme Court to utter these words. Related StoriesGarland Claims Longest-Wait Record from BrandeisTake the LTB Supreme Court Trivia QuizPraying Mantis Species Named After Justice Ginsburg

Well, obviously. Related StoriesGood Reason to Kill #66: Took a Bite of Your Grilled-Cheese SandwichGood Reason to Kill #2: YahtzeeGood Reason to Kill #64: Threw Away Your Lego Collection

The court said "distance." It didn't say "straight line." Related StoriesFrozen Guru Update IVYour Behaviour Is That of a Lunatic, Your HonorMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

Check these out while you still can. Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: FloridaLawyer Indicted for Impersonating a Judge Is Elected to Be Real Judge

The current state insect, pie, and folk dance are only a few of the things that would lose official status if this Illinois bill were to become law. Related StoriesOfficial State Crap: IllinoisOfficial State Crap: Florida

Maybe the government shouldn't feel free to treat an innocent elderly woman like a criminal, the opinion strongly suggests. Related StoriesReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law EnforcementGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDEDLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About Trump

Not just one, which would be bad enough. Related StoriesReport: Many DEA Cash Seizures Have “No Discernible Connection” to Law EnforcementThe Oxford Comma: Use ItJudge Richard Posner: Cat Person

You can't set your snake free in a public park. At least not in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Related StoriesIs an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?Do Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGCow-Threatener's Conviction Affirmed

It seems like they should all have some discernible connection. Doesn't it? Related StoriesPolice Warn Residents That Buglers May Be Operating in the AreaGuy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDEDLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About Trump

A very stupid and apparently worldwide phenomenon. Related StoriesFollow the Chicken, DramatizedMan Upset With $190 Ticket for Having His Snake Off Leash“Crafty Science” and the Law

No real surprises here, at least for readers of Frozen Guru Updates I-III. Related StoriesYour Behaviour Is That of a Lunatic, Your HonorFrench Town That Banned UFOs Is Still Banning ThemMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

They don't get along very well together. Related StoriesDo Not Walk Your Dog WHILE DRIVINGBill Would Protect Climate-Change Deniers From DiscriminationLawyer's Pants Catch Fire During Closing Argument

The title is great, and the kitten is cute. If only that were enough to win an argument over jurisdiction. Related StoriesGood News: The “Motion to Spread Death” Was DeniedWait—Which One of You Was Injured Again?Banks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan Practices

Probably not the last time this issue will come up. Related StoriesCourt Says Police Need to Make Time for “This Constitutional Bullshit”What Is Treason?Guy Who Got a C on Constitutional-Amendment Paper GETS CONSTITUTION AMENDED

Mocking them would still be protected by the First Amendment, though. Related Stories“Crafty Science” and the LawBill Would Provide Immunity for Accidentally Running Over Protesters2016 Ig Nobel Prizes Awarded

I told you that first one would not be the last. Related StoriesRiver Declared a PersonIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

It is the first, but will not be the last, to get legal-person status. Related StoriesTwo More Rivers Declared PersonsIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

They are considering changing that to an A, which seems appropriate. Related StoriesIs the President Immune From Civil Lawsuits?More on the Quest of King AllanLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About Trump

If you need it, that is. And they needed it here. Related StoriesJudge Richard Posner: Cat PersonDesirable It Is That You Luxuriate in the Octopoid Embrace of These Legal PostulationsI'll Show You a Run-On Sentence

Cats do funny things. Sometimes in judicial opinions. Related StoriesThe Oxford Comma: Use ItDesirable It Is That You Luxuriate in the Octopoid Embrace of These Legal PostulationsI'll Show You a Run-On Sentence

"I am sorry to tell you that I am convinced you have lost your mind." Related StoriesDesirable It Is That You Luxuriate in the Octopoid Embrace of These Legal PostulationsFrozen Guru Update IIILord Hanuman Gets Another Court Summons

It's not clear exactly what he was saying when the fire broke out, but this probably didn't improve his credibility. Related StoriesFollow the Chicken, Dramatized

The Swiss federal tribunal rejected his argument that he acted in self-defense. Related StoriesIdaho May Legalize Dachshund RacingDefendants: “We Never Had a Pet Squirrel”Battle of the Joes Is Back On

It may or may not be illegal at the moment, but you can't be too careful. Related StoriesGovernors Veto Official-Bible BillsCow-Threatener's Conviction AffirmedBill Urges Texans to Use Correct Flag Emoji

None of which makes success look more likely. Related StoriesTree Not ArrestedWay Less Than You Need to Know About the Civil- and Common-Law SystemsGarland Claims Longest-Wait Record from Brandeis

Or at least he's planning to. Is there a direct flight from Denver to Gondor? That'd be helpful. Related Stories“Drive” Litigation Still Running, SomehowSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent TeachingMan Who Shot Mother-in-Law Says He Was Aiming at an Armadillo

The ninth in this occasional series. Related StoriesPond Ruins Yet Another GetawayIs It Illegal to Make Your Spouse Ride on the Roof of the Car?Is an Alligator a “Deadly Weapon”?

These motions are sometimes granted, but it's not as scary as you might think. Related StoriesWait—Which One of You Was Injured Again?Banks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan PracticesSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent Teaching

Don't worry, though—they screened them after they landed at their destination. Related StoriesLawyer Who Wrote Torture Memos Has “Grave Concerns” About TrumpAdministration Fails to Secure Its Own Conference RoomNational Guard Deployed to Seize One Marijuana Plant

Always check the back seat. Related StoriesPolice: Burglars Not Hard to Track in Snow“Spelling Bee Bandit” Arrested for String of RoberiesDoody Convicts Rectal Smuggler

There would be no criminal penalties for using the wrong one ... yet. Related StoriesBritish MP Demands Correct Pronoun for Royal YachtGovernors Veto Official-Bible BillsHR 1220: Urging Members to Stop Saying “Physical” Instead of “Fiscal”

Invigilate your eyes on the quintessence of this dispute. Related StoriesI'll Show You a Run-On SentenceFrozen Guru Update IIIHow to Write an Introduction (or How Not to)

Or smart enough to wait for spring. Related StoriesDoody Convicts Rectal SmugglerSuspect Steals Mortuary Van, Finds Body Inside, Returns Both“Spelling Bee Bandit” Arrested for String of Roberies

Her heroic actions prevented ... fun. Related StoriesALERT: There Are No Lawyers in the Kansas SenateFrench Town That Banned UFOs Is Still Banning ThemHow Do I Get a Reincarnation Permit?

The ticket lasted about the same length of time in court, once the judge got a look at it. Related StoriesSome AnnouncementsZamboni in the Drive-Thru: “Most Canadian Thing Ever”?Pants in the News

Proof that if you have enough opinions, sooner or later one of them will be right. Just statistically speaking. Related StoriesNational Guard Deployed to Seize One Marijuana PlantHow and Why to Delete Your Yahoo AccountWhat Is Treason?

They say this like it's a bad thing. Related StoriesUpdate: Neil Armstrong's Hair Is Still for SaleWhat's Up With the “Trump University” Lawsuits?

Did Bagley win Bagley v. Bagley? Yes!But also no.

Okay, so, you're Mary Jo, and you're Francine? Oh boy. Related StoriesBanks Sued Over “Craptacular” Loan PracticesSolicitor Sues Oxford for Negligent TeachingLord Hanuman Gets Another Court Summons

In the future an impenetrable wall will be erected around all such locations, although who will pay for that remains to be seen. Related StoriesNational Guard Deployed to Seize One Marijuana PlantHow and Why to Delete Your Yahoo AccountWhat Is Treason?

In this edition: be on the lookout for orange fingers; the difference between accidental and intentional; police piling on; and a victory for the rule of law (involving traffic cameras, but it's a start). Related StoriesAssorted Stupidity #99Assorted Stupidity #98Assorted Stupidity #97

I hope you realize that's how HE spelled it. Related StoriesDoody Convicts Rectal SmugglerPond Ruins Yet Another GetawayMan Charged With Stealing 784,000 Quarters

To be honest I wouldn't give up that privilege either. Related Stories“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a HootAbout Those FoldersALERT: There Are No Lawyers in the Kansas Senate

Not recommended for beginners, but this guy got away with it, and well done. Related StoriesHow to Write an Introduction (or How Not to)Brief Argues Klingon Language Can't Be Copyrighted

It also has many words, and might help you or someone you know who has, for whatever reason, decided to take the NY bar. Related StoriesThe Tri-State Monkey Smuggle, and Other Stories

Let's apply the rational-basis test to this one. Related StoriesSeriously, Though: Nobody Has the Right to AppealCourt Says Police Need to Make Time for “This Constitutional Bullshit”National Guard Deployed to Seize One Marijuana Plant

At least he didn't delete any emails. (He actually said that.) Related StoriesAbout Those FoldersALERT: There Are No Lawyers in the Kansas SenateCriminal's Modus Operandi Probably Just Means He Can't Spell “Modus Operandi”

You know the ones. Related Stories“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a HootALERT: There Are No Lawyers in the Kansas SenateCongress Blames President for Law He Vetoed

I'm frankly not sure why I put "ALERT" in front of that, or why I'm leaving it there. In any event, for the first time ever, the Kansas Senate is lawyer-free. Related StoriesKansas Senator Says Temptresses Must Cover ThemselvesYou Know, Karl, There Have Also Been Criminals Named “Karl”“Downton Abbey” Congressman's Indictment Is a Hoot